03x03 - No Comfort

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Breeders". Aired: March 2, 2020 –; present.*
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Explores the paradox experienced by nearly all parents, the willingness to die for one's children coupled with the near-constant desire to k*ll them.
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03x03 - No Comfort

Post by bunniefuu »

[window motor whirring]

Luke, can you stop
doing that, mate?

What the f*ck is wrong
with you, Luke?

I'm asking you a question.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?

-Sorry. It was just a bit...
-No, sure.

[clears throat]
Thank you. Appreciate it.

-Shall we put some music on?
-Yeah.

-Mmm.
-[speaks indistinctly]

-You in?
-Yeah.

-[blues music playing]
-[chuckles]

-Nice one, mate.
-Yeah.





It's going to be a good day.

♪ I just can't help it

♪ When we dance
real close, you see ♪

♪ I just can't help it

[Ally] Ahh-- Ooh!

Ah, here it comes.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

-Get the sign up, Luke.
[cheering]

-Isn't this a bit stupid?
-Yeah, it is

but so are lots of things,
and we do them anyway.

-Hey! [laughs]
-Hey!

Ohh!

-Darling!
-Welcome back home, Mom!

[Paul] Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.

Hi, Alex!
How was the honeymoon?





It was amazing.
We had a villa with a pool.

The views were breathtaking.

-And Croatia looked okay too.
-Oh, you old dog!

Croatia has had such
a troubled history.

-But it's so lovely and sunny.
-That's what--
that's what matters.

We took a boat trip
to the island of Brac.

Amazing. Sky and sea
almost the same color.

Come and have a coffee
and tell us all about it.

Hey, Alex, can I help
with the cases?

No, I think I'm good.

Maybe if you just bring in
Leah's handbag.

Oh, yes. Yeah, sure.

f*ck. sh*t. sh*t.

f*cking hell.
Ooh. Ally!

-Ally!
-Yeah?

-[wheezing]
-Oh!

So, we meet again,
Mr. Bond.

No, no, seriously.
I've done my back.
Can you help me, please?

God, I'm so sorry.
Luke, get the bag!

-Hold me up.
-Yeah, okay. Get your Dad's bag.

-Ow! f*cking hell, Luke!
-Sorry, I was just trying to--

I don't care!
All right, I don't care! Okay.

Nobody touch me.
Nobody touch me.
Thank you very much.

[inhales]

[groaning]

This is the worst
it's ever been.

It's like having
a hot poker running

from my arsehole
to my eyebrows.

-Is this the one?
-That's it. Granny's drug bag.

Jesus Christ, Mom!
Are you an army medic?

You don't get to my age
without accumulating
a few pills and potions.

This one's very nice.
Very mellow.

Goes well
with a white wine.

And this one's
an absolute beast.

Don't walk too far on that.

It turns the world
into a sort of maze.

Stop it, Mom! Paul,
you need to see a doctor.

An actual doctor.
Not Dr. Trainspotting here.

I can't go to the doctor
if I can't f*cking move, can I?

Mm. Ah! I'm so sorry
about this, Leah.

This was meant to be your--

f*cking Ada!
Your moment.

-[groans]
-Oh. So the honeymoon.

How was it?

Awful.

-What?
-[Leah] Alex is too nice.

He's lovely to everybody
all the f*cking time.

Always smiling,
always chatting,

listening to everyone's
boring life stories.

It can't have been that bad.

It was.
I'm married to Jesus

and now I know
why they crucified him.

Stop it, Mom!
He's gonna hear you.

No, he won't. He's out there
putting his silly car to bed.

He wouldn't hear
a su1c1de b*mb.

Oh, there he goes.
Testing the horn.

What's the time?
We need to go and get Ava
from church group.

-No, no, stay there.
-No, it's fine.
I think I'll be okay.

Just give me some...
I don't wanna be late
for her.

[Leah] Take lots
more codeine, Paul.

200 milligrams.
Just an aperitif.

I'll take these out.
These and painkillers.

you'll start talking
to your own ghost.

Otherwise, pick and mix,
whatever it takes.

-Stop dealing dr*gs, Mom.
-Phew!

Oh, okay. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So has, um--God.
Has Leah been on opioids

the whole time
I've known her?

Christ, what would she be like
if she hadn't been?

Oh, sh*t, it's gone five.
I'm gonna drop you guys off

and then I'm gonna go
and get Ava from church group.

Luke, don't forget to do
the dishwasher. It's your job.

-[groans] Oh, God almighty!
-Speed bump! Sorry.

-Not your fault.
-I was going a bit fast.

Okay, it's your fault.

-Luke! Luke!
-Yeah.

[groans] Mate, can you
get me a glass of water?

-Okay. How's your back?
-Oh, still sh*t, if I'm honest.

I don't think Granny Leah's
magic drug bag is working.

Cheers, mate.
Could you do the dishwasher,
as well, Mom said...

[Luke] Can I do it later?
I've got to do
my history project.

Oh, yeah. No problem.

Luke, grab a drink, will you?
Come and hang out for a bit.

-There's only beers in here.
-Have a beer then.
You're nearly 15.

-I'm 13.
-I know.

Attaboy.

Cheers.

-Sit down.
-But my project.

Don't worry about that.
I'll help you.

Ahh. Sit down.
Watch a bit of telly.

Chill out, man. Chillax.

People used to say that,
didn't they? Twat-people.

Come on. I won't bite.
I've just having some trouble
with me coccyx.

Mmm! Missus.

Where's the zapper?

Oh, Daffy.
A little bit of Daffy.

A little bit
of Daffy.

Here's one. What do you call
an exploding duck?

-What?
-It's a joke. Ask me.

Oh, I don't know. What do
you call an exploding duck?

A fire-quacker.
[laughs]

[wheezing laugh]

[laughing louder]

Oh, God.
That is f*cking funny.

He's a f*cking
fire-quacker. Oh, man.

Yeah. Better have another...

Although to be fair,
I'm not sure
they're working...

[grunts]
...at all.

Placebos, I think.

[sniffles] Placebos.

P-- Plah-seee-bohz.

Here are. The Queen!

Right. I think we're on.
There we go.

It's "Hamilton"
in the making.

-Love it!
-[laughs]

Nice turn and corner.

You might get a permanent
job here, you know--

Mom!

-Hi!
-Hi.

Did you have a good time?

[laugh]

Well, the fire alarm went off
and Ava said, as a joke,

that it meant
the rapture was about to happen

and one of the other kids
burst into tears.

I had to assure them there's no
such thing as a rapture alarm.

If there was I think
it would make a different sound.

Yeah, like,
less electronic, more angelic.

Yeah.

Um, Ava, Why don't you run
and grab your bag.

-Nice to see you again.
-Yeah. You too.

So, um, how's Ava getting on,
you know, with the...

With the what?

Well, when I got
my first period,

I stayed in bed for a week
with a ton of Dairy Milk.

She hasn't told you,
has she?

Told who what?

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to be
another worry.

-You've got lot of problems.
-Yeah, no, I know I have,

but I'm always here
to talk to you, okay?
Whatever else is going on.

Okay. Thanks.

-Did it help, talking to Susie?
-Yeah.

Good. I'm so pleased.

[blowing raspberry]

[Paul] Oh, is that? No.

Right, so you press
that to sh**t.

-This one? Whoa.
-Yeah.

-No!
-No!

-You've sh*t yourself.
-f*ckin' hell!

-[Ally] Hi.
-Hey!

-Hi!
-Hi!

Luke, is that a beer?

Yeah, Dad said I could have it.

Dad's off his head
on back pills.

Go and get your stuff ready
for tomorrow, please.

-Can I finish my beer?
-No.

You've got school tomorrow.
And you're a child.

Pew! Ava, how was
church group?

-It's fine.
-Oh.

Hey, I'm all right.

[groaning and gasping]

-Is Ava okay?
-She's got her period.

Oh, wow.
Well, good for her.

Last week and she didn't
even mention it.

-Who to?
-To me! Her mom!

Oh, Jesus, Paul,
make a doctor's appointment.

This is weird as hell
having you back in the house,

but ripped to the tits
on expired valium.

It's just for a few days.
A distraction from the pain

while nature does
its healing thing.

Then Bob's your uncle.

Isn't that a weird phrase.
"Bob's your uncle."

Oh, for... Luke!

You haven't emptied
the f*cking dishwasher!

"Bob's your uncle."

-[clanking]
-[murmuring]

We're up sh*t creek,
in a pedalo, with no feet.

We mustn't give up,
though, Darren.

No. Absolutely not.
We plough on.

No, soldier on.
It's sexier.

I can't believe Ava
didn't tell me.

Oh, I mean, I guess I don't
have a right to know. Or do I?

Well, I don't know
the menstrual status
of any of the women in my life.

Sort of a "don't ask,
don't tell" situation.

I feel like the U.S. m*llitary
under Clinton.

I mean, I know a lot of parents
do make a big deal out of it.

Americans, mainly, mmm.

They celebrate everything,
don't they?

Gender reveals,
Sweet 16, "prom."

I mean, kids can't go
for a sh*t these days

without their parents
turning up with a pinata
and a petting zoo.

-Ah-ha!
-What?

We could asked the staff
to resign,

then go self-employed,
and we could...

No, that's a tiny bit...

-Illegal?
-Tiny bit.

-[Ally] Ava! Food!
-[Ava] I'm not hungry!

Well, everyone's here
and I'd like you
to join us, please.

We've got profiteroles!
Your favorites.

She's been having a bit
of a rough week.

Here they come.
Hopalong Cassidy and his mate!

[Jim] Hey, if ever
I get that bad,

just shove us down the stairs
and be done with it.

I might not be many things,
but I am mobile.

Ah, f*ck me.
That's good.

-Still on my pills, Paul?
-[Ally] Yes, he is.

And he needs to pack it in
and go and see a proper doctor.

It's lovely having you all
under one roof again.

Paul's been helping Luke
with his history project.

-The Vietnam w*r.
-Oh, is that interesting, Luke?

It blows your mind.
All those lives lost.

It goes to show that v*olence
never makes things better.

Yeah, well, not necessarily,
I mean, look at World w*r II.

v*olence made things
better there.

And, well, actually,
you punching me in the face,

that made things better
in the end, didn't it?

[heavy breathing]

No? Right.

-Paul, enough with the cheese.
-Yeah?

You've already got
plenty of cheese.
Put the cheese down.

You okay?

Luke, I'm sorry, mate.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I've had quite
a lot of Tramadol.
Didn't want to embarrass you.

-My apologies.
-So, let's change
the subject then.

I hear you've had a bit
of a rough week, Ava.

-You told granddad?
-No, I didn't. I promise.

Did you tell everyone?
Make a big announcement
to the table?

-"Ava got her period!"
-I knew nothing.

I didn't say anything,
sweetheart.

It's nothing to be
ashamed of these days.

My mother never talked
about it.

For the first five years,
I stuffed a hankie in my pants

-and assumed I was dying.
-Mom!

I wore a sanitary belt.
Terrible thing.

Looked like a horse harness.

Well, we didn't have
any choice, did we, Leah?

-It was either that
or risk ruining the cushions.
-[blows]

You all right there, Jim?

Oh, yes. I'm just letting
my mind wander.

Hmm.

I never could stand tampons.

Oh, dear God.

Stuffed up inside you!

How do they know

it's not just gonna go
up and up and up

until one morning
you cough it out
into your breakfast?

-Mom, can I?
-Of course. I'm sorry, Ava.


Yeah, I'm going to finish
my history project.

-Have you had enough?
-Yes.

This is
a lovely meal, Ally.

I've always thought of risotto

as a rice pudding
that went all to sh*t.

-But you've proved me wrong.
-Thank you.

-Is Alex much of a cook, Leah?
-Oh, he loves it.

He sings Gilbert and Sullivan
while he's cooking.

It makes me want
to drown myself in my soup.

Mom, stop it!

-Excuse me?
-This bitching about Alex.

You've had a lifetime
of terrible relationships

and now, for once, you've got
a sh*t at a good one,

with a decent man who loves you,
so stop being a prick

and live your f*cking
happy ever after.

Well, if that's
what you think.

-Where are the profiteroles?
-What?

Alex loves profiteroles.
I'd like to take him some.

Oh. They're in the fridge.

Are you all right
there, son?

Yeah, yeah, I was just wondering
if we've always had that ivy.

It's very, uh, vivid green.

You'd think I would have
noticed that before.

I think you're
a bit touched, Paul,

if you don't mind my saying.

You wanna keep off them pills.

I love you, Mom.

[laughs] Yeah, all right,
Mr. Tambourine Man.

Have some more cheese.

[Jim laughs]

[knocks]
Knock, knock.

-Brought you this.
-Thanks.

I know it's not
quite the same thing

as a proper ice cream
in a cornet.

[sighs]

Do you remember that beaten-up
old ice cream van?

Used to park
outside the infants?

-Tommy's.
-Yeah.

Illegal Disney
cartoons on his van

and tattoos
on his knuckles. Yeah.

Engine constantly running,
so there's kids queueing up

in a cloud of diesel.

That's parenthood
in a nutshell.

You're weighing up good,
bad, ice cream, f*cked lungs.

Just pretending you know
what's right.

-And you don't?
-No. Jesus Christ--

You make hundreds
of decisions every day

and you just hope to God
that they're the right ones.

Do you hate me, Dad,
because I hit you?

[sighs] No!

No! It woke me up,

because I just thought
how could I have
f*cked up this badly?

And the thing is
I know exactly how.

And I'll probably
do it again.

And that's terrifying.

I love you, Luke.

And the love is always bigger
than the other stuff, always.

Thank you.

And I'm really sorry
about what happened.

I mean,
I think about it every day.

-I just lost control.
-Mmm.

You get that
from your mother.

Ava, sweetheart?

There's some leftovers
if you're hungry.

Yeah. I guess so.

Just the lunch from hell.
I felt so trapped.

♪ Don't you mind
what they think♪

Night-night!
It's time to take

♪ the sleepy train to...
Tickleborough!

[laughter]

Shush now. Calm down.

[Ava] No, I know.
I know she does.

But I can't help feeling
how I feel.

[sighs and groans]

Oh, f*ck.

[sighing]

f*ck, f*ck.

[Paul humming]

[groaning and muttering]

Wow, shall I call
the Zombie Helpline?

-You okay?
-No.

-Have you got any painkillers?
-Ibuprofen right there.

Mmm. Yeah, that's--
that's not gonna cut it.

Can you call your Mom
and see if she's--

Stop using my mom
as a drug dealer

-and go to the doctor, Paul!
-Glasses.

Hiya, Dad, can you help me
with my history project?

-Not now, mate. I'm sorry.
-But you said that you would.

I don't care what I said.
f*cking-- Luke!

Why haven't you emptied
the dishwasher?

You had one f*cking job
and you haven't done it!

-Paul, no...
-Sorry, I'm--

I don't want to hear
it, mate. Okay?

It's too late!
'Cause you've f*cked it!

So I'm going to lie down,
all right?

Thanks, mate,
my back's even worse now.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

He's in pain.
He doesn't mean it.

I'm going to
finish my project.

-[Ava] Mom?
-Hi.

I left my trainers
at church group.

I need them for school tomorrow.

All right, I'll go
and get them now.

Um, do you want
to come with me?

-I have homework.
-Oh, okay.

[laptop beeps]

Ally! You've come
for Ava's trainers?

I was going to call you
and then I realized

-I didn't have your number.
-Yeah, but you've got
Ava's number, haven't you?

-I'm sorry?
-Texting her all the time.

talking about private things.

Look, I'm sure
that you mean well,

but you are not her parent
and you are not a teacher,

and it's inappropriate
for you to act

like she's
a Jacqueline Wilson

foster-home drug child,

some human project
for you to redeem

in the eyes of the Lord.

[shuddering]

Oh, God.

You're gonna offer me
a cup of tea, aren't you?

I was thinking wine.

Not the Eucharist wine,
the good stuff.

[Susie] Yeah, did
a high-end funeral last year.

The deceased was a vintner,

so I got a crate of this
as a thank-you.

-It's really good.
-It ought to be.

The congregation
was jammed packed
with absolute c**ts.

Are you allowed
to say "c**t"?

Oh, I don't think
the Bible specifies,

although I've not read
all of it.

[laughter]

I'm really sorry, Ally.
You're right. I overstepped.

You're clearly a great mom,
and Ava's a delight.

She's a credit to you.

Thanks. Yeah, it's just...

Everything feels wrong
at the moment.

You know, like, I'm losing her,

and them,
and me. [sobbing]

-I'm so-- I'm sorry.
-I'll back off a bit,

make sure she spends more time
with you than here.

Thanks.

-Do you want a tissue?

-[sniffles]
-No.

[soothing music]

[Ally] Hi.

Oh. Thanks for doing
the dishwasher, Luke.
That's brilliant.

-[Luke] You're welcome.
-Where's Ava?

[Luke] Homework.
Or praying.

I'd pay 50 quid
for a hug right now. [chuckles]

Really? An actual cash bribe,
and no takers. Wow.

Paul?

[Paul] Yeah. Uh, Ally.

No, I'm here.

Yeah, I really need
to see a doctor.

[breathing deeply]

[stammering] So, um,
how serious are we talking

on a scale of one to dead?

I'm joking, but also not.

[chuckles] Well, that's
why we need the MRI.

Let's have a proper look,
make a plan.

Okay, and what's the wait time
for an MRI these days?

-Book you in first thing
in the morning.
-sh*t.

sh*t. Okay.

[somber music]
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