01x01 - Let's Do This Thing

[bunniefuu]

[HEADPHONES: "STRAIGHT ON" PLAYING]

[KNOCKING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[WOMAN]

We'll be ready for you in five.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[WHISPERING]

We'll be ready for you in five.

Oh, okay.

Are you sure there's not anything we can get you before we start? A juice? Fruit? Tea? No? She's on the move.

Uh, do you want me to get you anything? You're the star performer.

I can go out and get it.

Or if you want to go to the washroom, now would probably be a good time.

Uh, sorry, can't get out of the leotard.

Yeah, yeah.

She's on the move.

Let's go.

Um, I just want to make sure that you're comfortable.

I don't know if you've had makeup come and have a last look at you.

Uh [MUSIC STOPS]

[WOMAN 2]

Okay.

Places, everyone.

From the top.

Let's move.

Let's go.

["SLOW DOWN" PLAYS]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[WOMAN]

Oh, well, look at you.

I mean, seriously.

Do you really think you're pulling this whole thing off? The disco sex kitten look at your age? You're not fooling anybody with this sh*t.

Wait.

Wait.

Hang on.

Is that Ugh.

Gotta be kidding me.

A giant f*cking zit right on your laugh line.

Wrinkles and zits.

It's a real sexy cocktail you're serving up.

[KNOCKING]

[MAN]

Hello? Everything okay? Babe? Just a second.

All right.

Just you've been in there forever.

So, are you sure everything's all right? I said just a second.

[WOMAN]

Maybe if you crawled out of my ass.

[SIGHS]

f*ck.

[SIGHS]

Just give it up.

They don't f*ck the face.

- Oh, hey.

- Sorry.

Oh, no.

Don't be.

I was just, you know, worried about you.

That's all.

I'm good.

I'm fine.

Just my stomach.

Yeah, everybody left.

They all took off.

Except for Simone, who is still here.

And I'm pretty sure, I'm actually 100% positive, that she is down to hook up.

Everybody left, they said goodbye, and she just she just stayed.

So I was thinking, do you want to go and, you know, close the deal? I don't know.

But you said you always wanted to try this.

No, I did.

I think Uh, well, I think I said I was I was open to - If you've changed your mind - No.

I haven't changed my mind.

- I haven't changed my mind.

- Yeah, okay.

All right.

I just Are you sure she wants to? Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

She was flirting with me the whole night.

You saw her.

Plus, she was never my student.

She was in an entirely different department.

And we're talking, like, way across campus, like, two quads over.

So we can skip the whole ethical bullshit.

And I thought that you wanted to prove that you could be [SIGHS]

you know after the baby.

But if I'm wrong - No, no, no.

You're not wrong.

- Okay.

I just don't I I just feel a little unsexy.

That's all.

I feel like a monster.

Well, I don't see anything in front of me except for my stone-cold sexy wife.

But look.

Hey.

Here's the deal.

I don't want you doing anything that you are not 100% comfortable with.

But baby, remember? Huh? The old days.

That freedom we had, how good that felt.

It was me and you against the world.

Didn't that feel good? Don't you want to feel that again? - I do.

I do.

But it's now, and I - Yeah.

She's so young too.

That girl down there.

Oh, my God.

She doesn't even know what it was like.

Right now, we could show her.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

I'll go talk to her.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

All right.

- [SIGHING]

Okay.

- Yeah? Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

["HURDY GURDY MAN" PLAYING]

[WOMAN]

God, she's f*cking flawless.

How young is she, 19? I swear they get younger every year.

Not you.

You get older and zittier.

[CHUCKLES]

I, um I, uh, put something on.

I hope that's Oh, it's okay.

[CHUCKLES]

You have the raddest classic records.

People my age, or at least people in this cultural f*cking wasteland, they have no idea about this sound, you know? Just listen to those guitars.

They're like They're like my hear heart.

- [CHOKING, GASPING]

- Oh, hey.

Easy, easy, easy.

- Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.

- [GASPING]

It's okay.

It's okay.

- [GASPING]

- Easy.

Easy.

Oh! Oh, my God.

That was so embarrassing.

- No, no.

- [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

- You're, like, the best.

- [CHUCKLES]

You saved my life.

Don't mention it.

It's all right.

God, Professor Rubin is so lucky.

[CHUCKLES]

You can call him Danny.

- Danny.

[CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]

But it just It sounds so weird to say it like that.

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, Danny, he's obviously brilliant, right? But But you you're just so cool and and deep and just a total f*cking fox just to top it all off.

I mean, if my mom was even half as rad as you, I Oh, sh*t.

Oh.

sh*t.

Sorry.

I didn't I didn't mean No, it's okay.

I'm sure I could be.

[CHUCKLES]

[WOMAN]

She's right.

You could be.

You better get this thing back on the rails, grandma.

No way.

I mean, maybe, I guess.

You You guys are from the same generation, I guess.

Um, but, like, you know, she voted for Reagan.

- Mmm.

- And you you guys are just, like, stuck in this whole, like, '60s thing.

Thank you.

Um No.

I don't mean I mean I don't mean stuck.

God, I hate pot.

It makes me so stupid.

- What is the word that I'm looking for? - Rooted.

Yes.

Yes! Totally.

You're You're rooted, you know, and, like, in, like, a different time.

And that's why I think you're so cool, but [WOMAN]

Why is she still talking? Also why Professor Rub I mean, - Danny [STAMMERS]

is so - Danny.

[CHUCKLES]

- Controversial? - Disliked.

In the department.

[SONG FADES]

Professor Rubin is getting fired.

You know, there there's still a group of us, or at least some of us, who still really, totally love him.

But in the department, I guess he's sort of totally done.

I think you better leave now.

Shouldn't Shouldn't I say good night to Professor Rubin? I'll give Professor Rubin your best.

Okay.

Um [POP MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMAN]

Hope you like sucking unemployed d*ck.

[SONG CONTINUES]

[WOMAN]

Today you will eat clean, healthy foods.

After school drop-off, you will go directly to ballet class.

You will do the full class without a break.

Afterward, you will have a veggie pita from the place next door, and no chips and no soda.

And if you do all these things, then after dinner, you can have a reasonable serving of cobbler with no ice cream.

A glass of skim milk is just as good.

None of these things are particularly hard to do with a little f*cking discipline.

If you weren't so lazy, you wouldn't have to do this.

Other people don't need this kind of f*cking hand-holding.

Earth to Sheila.

Hello.

Which tie should I wear? For the meeting with the provost.

I I think you should wear the mustard one.

I like that.

I bought that for you, for your uncle's funeral.

Oh, yeah.

That bastard.

What meeting? Oh, they called me in, you know.

Probably just looking for the usual dog and pony show.

But they knew what they were getting when they hired me, right? I love you.

Whatever happens.

- You think something bad will happen? - No.

[SHEILA]

Oh, you chickenshit.

You have to tell him, seriously.

I actually think something good could happen.

There's an acting chair position open, and I know I'm considered controversial, but Do you remember the Logans are coming for dinner tonight? Oh, God.

That's tonight? Any idea on what I should cook? I thought I could do my pasta primavera.

But Jack travels so much now.

That could seem a little provincial.

Or I thought I could try out the Moroccan tagine that you got me during your sabbatical.

Maybe try something fun.

I don't want to think this much about food, okay? So just figure it out.

Something that's, you know, fun and interesting and not too uptight.

How about that? [SHEILA]

You're the only one who thinks about food this much, - you f*cking freak.

- Hey, you owe me one.

- Remember that.

- [SHEILA]

Tell him! Simone told me something last night.

About your job.

That it's in danger.

But I think it's a good thing.

You never wanted to teach political history.

You wanted to make history.

So maybe this is your chance to step off the sidelines and just get in the game.

Run for office.

I'm sorry, I've just been I've been I've been thinking about it for a while, and that's why it sounded so ruminated.

Honey, Simone is a cocktease without a clue.

I'm gonna go to work.

[SHEILA]

Go get 'em, tiger.

["DO IT ('TIL YOU'RE SATISFIED)" PLAYING]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[SONG FADES]

Oh, hey.

Morning.

I was just looking at the, uh, waves.

Uh, doughnut? No.

Thank you.

I I buy them for the twins, but then I finish them 'cause I'm disgusting.

Oh, no, you're not.

[SHEILA]

Liar.

You can't stop looking at the back fat spilling over her bra strap.

You're as shallow as a kiddie pool.

You want to go for a walk around the new mall with me? - Oh, that sounds fun.

- If I make it around three times, I let myself go into Giovanni's and have one of his expressos.

[SHEILA]

Don't get sucked in.

She's a riptide.

She'll just suck you out to sea.

I have ballet, otherwise I would.

- Ballet.

- But next time.

- Yeah.

- [WOMAN]

Beautiful morning.

Join us for sunrise song.

Judah's mom made pumpkin bread, and it's still warm.

I can't.

I have to go.

[SHEILA]

Pumpkin bread so you can turn into a pumpkin yourself.

Short, round, lumpy.

No one wants pumpkin bread.

Nobody wants you.

Stop it! 'Sup, lady? You're not supposed to park there.

Well, you're not supposed to be a f*cking biatch, biatch.

[SHEILA]

All right, assh*le.

It's go time.

Sorry.

[SHEILA]

Pathetic.

Is that a look of pity? It is.

She's covered in frosting, and she is embarrassed for you.

[SHEILA]

Even if you're late, you got here.

So you miss a little warm-up.

- It's closed.

- What? When? This week.

You're surprised? Everything else was gone already.

The tanning salon, the travel agency.

Abigail held out as long as she could.

- They sold out? - Everyone does eventually, right? Oh, you, uh, need a tanning bed? I'm sorry, I should say want.

Who needs a tanning bed? [SHEILA]

He's saying you're pale, pasty, fat, gross, disgusting.

There she is again.

Who is that skanky bottle blonde? And why are you so obsessed with her? What's wrong with you? Oh, now you've done it.

She sees you watching her.

She sees everything about what a f*cking mess you are.

Fruits and vegetables.

That's what you're here for since you skipped your dance class, you lazy bitch.

Hi.

How many eggplants do you think I need for four people? What kind of people? Old friends.

From the Bay Area.

Buddies from the movement days.

Only now, he's a very successful author.

And they're vegetarians.

Like us.

Six.

Magic stuff.

You want to try? [SHEILA]

You skipped ballet, but you can still go running.

It's not too late if you don't get stuck.

Oops.

[SHEILA]

You filthy bitch.

["SUGAR ME" PLAYING]

[SHEILA]

You didn't even walk today, let alone run or do ballet.

And now look at you.

Disgusting.

Sticky.

Might as well just give up.

[MAN]

and at our brand-new food court, your family can enjoy cuisines from around the world.

Just tell 'em John Breem sent you.

[SHEILA]

John Breem.

Please, assh*le.

You're the reason I don't have ballet today.

You're destroying our whole community.

Like we need another f*cking shopping mall.

[SONG CONTINUES]

[SHEILA]

Go on.

You know you want to.

f*ck, that's good.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[TIRES SCREECH]

- [MAN]

Welcome to Pelican Burger.

- Three famous cheeseburgers, three large fries and a chocolate shake.

Thanks.

[TIRES SCREECH]

- [MAN]

Here you go.

- Thank you so much.

Have a nice day.

[SONG CONTINUES]

[CLERK]

Here you go.

[SIGHS]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[SONG FADES]

[SHEILA VOMITING]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[SHEILA]

Okay.

That's the last time.

You're done.

[WOMAN ON TV]

taste of the times when a snack this good ♪ Tastes as light as it should you'll love Summit ♪ After only one bite 'cause it's peanuts, wafers and light ♪ [TV ANNOUNCER]

Summit cookie bars.

They're chocolaty with crisp baked [SHEILA]

Tomorrow, I will eat clean, healthy food.

I will find a new dance class.

I will walk on the beach.

Tomorrow, I will have a nice day.

[BANGING LOUDLY]

- [BANGING CONTINUES]

- [DOOR CLOSES]

Daddy! I made stuffed mushrooms.

I don't want any food.

[BANGING CONTINUES]

- [BANGING CONTINUES]

- Can I fix you a drink? I don't want a drink.

I don't want any food.

I don't want any liquid, and I don't want to live.

- Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

- [BANGING CONTINUES]

Hi.

Hello.

Okay? [WHIMPERS]

Aw, sweetie.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's just a bad It's not okay.

Sheila, it's not okay.

All right? - You want to know what it was? It was - [BANGING]

It was [HUSHED]

f*cking humiliating.

I am sitting in there like [HUSHED]

a g*dd*mn assh*le.

[HUSHED]

Wearing a f*cking tie.

A tie.

And you could've warned me.

[BANGING CONTINUES]

I feel like I did.

When I think about the time and the talent that I wasted at that two-bit sh*thole of a college.

The morons they gave tenure positions.

Chairs even.

And they deny reappointment to me.

I have nothing.

[SHEILA]

If he's nothing, what are you? Worse than nothing, you're I disagree.

You're gonna tell me that this is my, uh my chance, my political phoenix rising from the ashes? Yes.

Hey.

We didn't move here so you could climb some bourgeois academic ladder.

We moved here because we drove down the coast.

[CHUCKLES]

And we saw that limitless horizon.

That Beach Boys song came on the radio.

"Wouldn't It Be Nice"? Yeah.

It was meant to be.

Our home.

- Remember? - Of course I remember.

And now that awful real estate developer, John Breem he wants every inch of our coastline to have one of his shopping malls on it.

And who's gonna stop him? There's no one with the vision you have.

No one with the brains.

[SIGHS]

No one cares about brains in politics anymore.

Ronald f*cking Reagan was just elected president.

I'm gonna have to find a job somewhere.

Denison College reached out a while ago.

- Ohio? - Yeah.

Ohio.

Losers can't be choosers.

Or whatever the idiotic expression even is.

Jesus.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, Jesus.

They're early.

- Who? - The Logans.

What? That's tonight? Why didn't you tell me that? [SHEILA]

Yes, you did.

But he's too f*cking wrapped up in his own Feel like I did.

What am I gonna say to him, huh? He's got a f*cking book deal, and I don't have sh*t.

Okay, so just Why don't you stay in here and just rest? I'll tell them you don't feel well.

It's okay.

No, no, no, no.

You go get the stuffed mushrooms.

I'll get the f*cking door.

- I'll get the f*cking door, Daddy.

- [DING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SHEILA]

Don't be silly.

I'll clean up.

You guys just sit there and enjoy yourselves while I'm stuck in the kitchen with this bitch.

[SIGHS]

So, um, he hasn't told anyone this yet, but we just got some news.

He's gonna be a guest on Phil Donahue.

[SHEILA]

Pretend you haven't heard of him.

Is that a television show? Phil's a huge fan of the book, apparently.

Our editor, out of her mind about it, says it's gonna be huge for sales.

Huge.

- Wow.

- [CHUCKLES]

The thing of it is, Jack had this [SIGHS]

I mean, I don't know if you'd call it a a revelation, but, I mean, a kind of clarity.

The real way to make a difference is to make a fortune.

Right? I mean, you know, to be a person of influence, be heard.

[SHEILA]

You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

Well, it's very exciting news.

Jack must be thrilled.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

He's a basket case.

He was never the public speaker.

Danny was the one who could rile up a crowd.

Inspire us.

[SIGHS]

[JACK, DANNY CHATTERING]

Ugh, all those years in the movement.

And when Reagan ordered the National Guard on us, how scared we all were.

It was Danny who spoke to us.

You know? Reminded us what we were fighting for.

He made us calm, made us brave.

Remember? Of course I remember.

It's why I fell in love with him.

We all did.

But you got him.

[CHUCKLES]

Danny still gets speaking requests.

I mean, not Phil "Dona-who", but - Hue.

- Donahue? - Donahue.

- Donahue.

- Donahue, yeah.

It's a really well-known - Donahue.

He can really inspire a crowd still, when he gets the chance.

[SHEILA]

Look at her stomach bulging out.

You're still skinnier, prettier.

She's the one who's huge.

Do you want some cobbler? Oh.

Um no, thanks.

No, I somehow have to fit into all these clothes we got for this crazy whistle-stop tour we're on.

Oh, stop.

You look great.

No.

You didn't have any.

- I did.

- No, you didn't.

- I did.

- You didn't have any cobbler.

Don't think I didn't see.

[SHEILA]

Just eat the f*cking cobbler.

- [LAUGHING]

Hi.

- Hey.

Um, did you know we have a future state assemblyman here? - Danny's running for office.

- Oh.

- Yeah, that's right.

- Hell of a platform too.

Coastal conservation.

He's gonna fight real estate developers.

[SHEILA]

Great idea.

Where have I heard that before? - [WOMAN]

Wow, that's so exciting.

- [JACK]

So happy.

Um well, listen, we were gonna save this news for later, but might as well.

Um, we are expecting.

- A baby.

- [BOTH]

Ohhh.

- [DANNY]

Congratulations.

- [JACK]

Ta-da.

- [DANNY]

That's fantastic.

Another round.

- [SHEILA]

That's amazing.

[SHEILA]

She's not even fat.

She's pregnant.

You stupid cow.

[DANNY]

I spoke to the Hausers, and they said if I'm up to the task they're up for the endorsement.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow.

[CHUCKLES]

That's huge.

[CHUCKLES]

[SHEILA]

I feel like he's putting on weight.

Yeah, I just gotta come and speak to his group.

Dust off the old soapbox.

That's excellent news.

I'm so happy to hear.

[SHEILA]

He's definitely put on some weight.

Gotta start making the rounds too.

You know, glad-hand all the democratic machers.

Let 'em know I'm a contender.

Do I have a suit? Oh, I have to write a speech too.

sh*t.

[SHEILA]

The one from your dad's funeral.

You want me to use the speech from my dad's funeral? The suit.

Oh, right.

My funeral suit.

I buried both my parents in that thing.

But you know what? That, uh That Shakespeare quote.

That might actually work.

You don't think it's too dark? I don't think so.

He "He was a man.

Take him for all in all".

No, I'm talking about the suit.

Is it too formal? Is You know, are people gonna see me as some Choking.

phony? Some scrawny Jewish poser from Berkeley trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes? [SHEILA]

Tell him how he can disgust you.

The way he eats.

His balls.

How he sweats when he fucks you.

I think I think they'll see you for what you are.

A man with intellect and substance.

A born leader.

You know what you are? You are the bassline.

Underneath the melody.

Undetectable at times, but necessary.

You know that? Without you, there's no song.

There's nothing.

We're gonna need money.

If we're gonna take on Breem and his cronies, at least a grand to even get on the ballot.

Then from there, we can start to fundraise.

We've got it in our savings.

We absolutely do.

What are we holding onto that for anyways? [SHEILA]

You're not holding onto it.

You ate it and flushed it down the toilet, you pig.

Big riptide today.

Look at that guy out there.

[SHEILA]

How long until he finds out what you've done? - You're just gonna wear yourself out! - [SHEILA]

Five, four, - three - Gotta go parallel to the shore.

two, - one.

- Amateurs.

[FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYING]

- [MUSIC STOPS]

- [TYPING]

[SIGHS]

I'd like to check my balance, please.

Oh, sweetie.

I'll just put you down.

[SHEILA]

All right.

Stay calm.

Stay cool.

Be just a moment.

- [TYPING]

- [SHEILA]

I'm sure we have some cash.

I know there's an ATM machine.

I just, you know, wanted to talk to a human being.

Call me old-fashioned.

Thank you.

Next customer, please.

I actually I'm sorry.

Could I get a copy of my recent history? [TYPING]

[PRINTER WHIRRING]

Anything else you need? Because Um, well, I would like to make a withdrawal.

How much do you need? Fifty dollars.

[SHEILA]

Fifty plus 50 plus 50 plus 50 plus You fat f*ck! You fat f*ck! You fat, fat, fat f*ck! Hello, are you in there? [CHUCKLES]

Are you okay? Hi.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry.

I did I just didn't get enough - Breakfast.

- Sleep.

No.

Anyway, uh, so when Ernie told me that Danny was asking about support, I was so excited.

- Um - Who's Ernie? My husband.

Oh, yes.

Chairman of the San Diego Civics Club.

They pretty much decide who is and isn't getting campaign support.

I thought I told you this.

No, I know I did.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, of course.

Yeah, but yeah, you weren't listening to me 'cause I'm a boring, fat housewife, who's like, "Why do you talk all the time?" No.

Don't say that.

You look great.

Oh, thank you.

It's a new dress.

[SHEILA]

That's exactly who she is.

Fat.

Boring.

Who would listen to her? Who would want to f*ck her? That's where you're headed.

That's where you'll end up.

I'm so sorry.

I have to go.

- Mama.

- Oh, sh [TIRES SCREECHING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Three famous burgers, three large fries and a chocolate shake, please.

[SHEILA]

One more time.

One more run around the bases - and then never, ever again.

- [MAN]

Thank you.

[SIGHS]

[SHEILA]

f*ck it.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

and I'm the founder of Breem Team Enterprises.

The hallmark of our properties is innovation.

And nothing more exciting, more telling of the future than the arrival of Video World! - Where videotape allows - [SHEILA]

Oh, my God, seriously? Is that f*cking John Breem? He's actually kinda hot.

You ready to do this thing? ["SPACE AGE LOVE SONG" PLAYING]

Take it to the right.

And down.

Up.

Work those shoulders.

And grapevine.

And slow hips.

Out, in.

Here we go.

Double-tap biceps.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

[SONG CONTINUES]

[PANTING]

[BODY THUDDING ON FLOOR]

[WOMAN 1]

Oh, my God.

Is she okay? [WOMAN 2]

Is she, like, dead? [WOMAN 3]

Should we, like, call security or whatever?