01x06 - Let's Get It on Tape

[bunniefuu]

Uh, two Uh, two.

What are you doing? Say, "Working on an aerobics routine".

Or say, "Go f*ck yourself".

Nuking popcorn.

Come on, man.

W-What's next? You gonna club a baby seal? I hear you, Jer, but don't knock it till you've tried it.

Ow.

Hot.

- There's butter on this already.

- Yeah.

That's how it comes.

Holy sh*t.

What will they think of next? An actual workable national energy policy? Yeah.

- Don't touch that! - Hmm? Uh, your hands are greasy.

I just wanted to see where we are with campaign finance.

Well, I'm I'm happy to tell you.

It just wouldn't make any sense.

It's all in my scrawl.

Well, babe, get this.

Jerry here, of all people, wants to hire a circus trainer to come in here and teach me how to smile for the cameras.

A media consultant, man.

Come on.

If we have to do a campaign ad, we might as well do it right.

Hire a professional to come in here and Turn me into someone I'm not.

Of course not.

Look, I know guys like Mike Schmidt.

Bear trap jaw, tomato brains.

I used to take orders from them in the service.

The only way to win is to hit back hard.

Okay? Hire some pros, make a beautiful ad, b*at them at their own game.

You got the money to spend.

Why not spend it? Except you don't.

But we're a grassroots campaign.

So, shouldn't this ad reflect that? Ugh.

What are you even saying? You wanna slap together some home movie footage of the Rubins at the San Diego Zoo? Call it a day? No.

I'm saying we make a state-of-the-art video using the latest video camera technology that I happen to have access to.

Because my wife is a stone-cold fox.

I mean, genius.

Don't forget a liar and a thief.

We're talking Betamax, right? Maya! No, no, not on the road! Maya! - Okay, Mommy.

Hi.

- Hey, hey, hey, Maya.

Hello.

You know not to run on the road.

I owe you an explanation, uh, about the other night.

No, it's all right.

You don't have to tell me.

Just, um Are you cheating on Danny? It's none of my business.

But I just I don't think I can be friends with you anymore if you are, 'cause it's not okay to lie like that.

To violate your vows for your own, whatever, pleasure.

It hurts people.

And maybe you think that makes me bourgeoise - or square, or whatever - I'm not.

Okay.

So, what were you doing? I wish you would tell me.

I feel like no one tells me the truth about anything anymore.

Eating like a pig and throwing up.

Are you really gonna say it? It's all she'll ever think about when she sees you, forever.

I have a project.

It's a exercise tape.

Aerobics.

Something you can do at home when you can't get childcare or you just don't want to go to the gym.

And you And you can't tell your husband about it? Just until it's done.

Which it will be soon.

Once he gets a chance to see it, it'll be different.

I think.

- You know how men are.

- Idiots.

- Literal.

- Literal.

Concrete.

They only get something when it's right in front of them.

At least, you know, I hope so.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, so I'm having a a color party this weekend.

- Oh.

- It's It's where, uh, this woman's gonna come, and she reads our faces and tells us what season we are, and then we know what shades of makeup look the best on us.

And Ernie doesn't get it either.

But, um, will you come? You sh Will you come? I'd rather die in a house fire.

Oh! I'd love to.

You can't keep doing this.

You can't keep lying.

And you won't.

Just until you have enough.

Until you're done.

One for them, one for you.

And when it's all over, you'll come clean.

Babe, can I talk to you? I'll be right out.

I'm coming in.

You forgot to lock the f*cking door.

Oh.

You okay? What? Uh, I said I'd be right out.

What's so important? Is that, uh, really what I look like? In that Mike Schmidt ad? Like some sloppy little troll.

I mean, how is anyone gonna take me seriously as a political candidate if that's what I look like? Honey, that was a smear campaign.

A lie.

When we make our video, you're gonna look like the true hero that you are.

You know, Jerry says we need to get a pro in here, but I think all I need is you.

Just give him what he really wants.

It's been too long.

If you want any freedom at all.

You wanna lock the door? Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Break time.

Yeah.

You mean cigarette time.

- Tomato, tomato.

Mmm.

- I don't get it.

- For someone so into fitness - You don't have to get it.

- You ever tried to quit? - I did quit.

And then I started again.

You never kept doing something you knew you should stop? Can I ask you something? Why do you still pretend to like that husband of yours? He's not even rich or tall.

He's the most brilliant man I've ever known.

Yeah.

I've never really liked smart dudes.

Smart in the brains, dumb in the d*ck.

He has some d*ck smarts.

Mostly, I love what he believes in.

And I do love him, by the way.

I don't pretend.

Can we get back to rehearsing? We got a whole routine to finish.

I figured if I asked you one question, you'd clam up.

I'm doing this video for Tyler.

He's all psyched about making your husband's propaganda video - Campaign ad.

- Whatever.

And because I think there's a small chance it might not be a lame business idea.

I'm not doing this to be your first gal pal, so you can relax.

Well, I have a lot of female friends, so.

Found it.

I f*cking found it.

Perfect location for our sh**t.

Sweet-ass natural light, no mirrors to f*ck up my visual jam, great price.

Nothing.

Because that's all you have to spend.

Nothing.

- How much? - 500 bucks.

For two days.

Buddy of mine is practically giving it away.

Maybe if you open another credit card just for the month.

Then you pay off the minimum until some money's come Oh, my God.

You're such a good friend.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, of course.

Are you okay? No, I did something.

It is bad.

Promise not to think I'm a monster? She thinks she's the monster? Ugh, don't be silly.

They said it was all-natural and that my face was going to heal quickly.

And I guess I just had a bad reaction to the acid.

You dipped your face in acid? Worse, I paid someone else to dip my face in acid.

A Russian gal that some of the girls at the club use.

Okay, so how bad is it? - It's not that bad.

- Oh, my God.

My face was my one good thing, and I went and ruined it.

That's not true.

You're gorgeous.

You have gorgeous hair, and you're a gorgeous person.

Inside and out.

And your face will get better.

I mean, isn't that the whole point? Once it heals, it's better than it was before? It's like muscles.

You make them sore, and then they grow back.

Stronger.

Thanks.

Oh, um, I got Ernie a new video camera.

Steady.

Steady eyes.

Steady mouth.

Oh, yeah? Is he happy? No, not really.

He's still mad about the other one.

And I can't understand how a video camera has sentimental value.

And now I got to host this party with this face.

I just The only thing getting me through it right now is knowing that you're gonna be there.

And waffles.

If I make waffles, will you have? You're not getting out of this one.

'Course.

So, one more time.

We can't mention Bunny or any of the aerobic stuff to my husband.

Okay? That's my business.

Our business.

Not his.

So when we're here, we just stick to campaign video talk, okay? - Mint.

- Hmm? In the salsa.

I've had ten of these in the last week.

No.

Fourteen.

Doing a full-on mouth autopsy on these bad boys to determine the salsa components.

It's mint.

Definitely.

Hey, Tyler.

Did you hear anything I just said? Won't say a word.

Hence, enormous burrito to occupy mi boca.

You're trusting this ding-dong with your marriage.

Your life.

Tyler has a small crew, lights, sound, and a very nimble and portable video camera.

We get the locations for free.

You don't have to worry about money or anything to get the permits.

And you're sure the video format It's okay for television? - Yeah, broadcast quality.

- Excuse me? Broadcast quality.

Six-hour sh**t, which we can bring in for our budget.

- How do you know that? - Research.

Okay, um, all right.

Wow.

- Yeah.

- Thank you, Jerry.

That - That was really nice, um - It is nice.

- but I I think I'm good now.

I'm good.

- You feel good.

Tight.

- Thank you, yeah.

- Hey, Jer.

- Mm-hmm? - She said stop.

Oh, sorry.

I I thought she was into it.

Oh, no, no, I I totally was.

That was really great.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, you girls are just working your butts off.

Just trying to help.

And I would really love it if we could get the beach in this, like, as much as I can.

And one thing I was thinking about: music.

Ooh, yes.

Totally.

Like, um, drums.

Yes.

Exactly.

Like, something with, like, a really groovy kick-ass drive to it.

- Something progressive.

- Yeah.

Funky.

Draws people in.

Yeah.

You know, something that says, "This isn't about a campaign.

This is about a movement".

No, no, no.

We We need to distance you from the stoner counterculture, not play into it.

It's time to sand off those Bohemian edges.

Show these San Diegans the polished-professional-you, not the Berkeley-radical-you.

So, what are we saying? Sell me out? No, sell you smart.

Get you in a suit.

Maybe a hard hat.

For a conservation platform? I am anti-coastal development, and you want me in a hard hat? You're a progressive.

You wanna invest in in social infrastructure, schools, health care.

People do love a dude in a hard hat.

Don't know why.

Big heads.

Ever see an actor? Biggest bobbleheads in the world, man.

Okay, I am not putting on a blue suit like a g*dd*mn FBI goon.

Not blue.

Gray.

Out in the water, you know who the gray suits are? The sharks.

Predators.

Not prey.

I mean, we could stick to the old Danny or we could try something different.

Well, what do you think? I bet the ladies would love you in a suit, man.

I bet I could drown you and make it look like an accident.

If that's what it takes.

I suppose we're going to the g*dd*mn mall.

I don't know about this.

I don't know if I'm a suit guy.

I look like a junior rabbi.

Come Just come out here.

Let me see.

Junior rabbi was pretty dead-on.

Well? I think you look like a man ready to take Sacramento by storm.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

With these shoulder pads? Especially with those shoulder pads.

- I don't know.

- You look sharp.

Doesn't he look sharp? Um, with the appropriate alterations, we can get it there.

I can get that pinned up for you.

What's the special occasion? Attending a wedding? Bar mitzvah? He's a candidate for State Assembly.

And his name is Danny Rubin, and he's gonna win.

And are we going to be paying by personal check or credit? Credit.

Look at all these dutiful sheep heeding the capitalist call.

You know? Ugh.

Spending their dwindling middle-class salaries on poorly made goods that they'll throw into a landfill - when they realize how unsatisfied - The The garage is down here.

- they still feel.

What? - Down here.

- The garage.

- Oh.

I mean, look at the atrium.

- It's like a g*dd*mn church, Sheila.

- Mm-hmm.

That's not a coincidence, you know? Worshipping the almighty dollar.

Well, what the sh*t is this? f*cking unbelievable.

Classic cycle of grift and corruption.

Don't know why you're so surprised, man.

It's the shamelessness of it.

It's called the "community room", designated that way by the city.

And yet Breem just hands it over to his g*dd*mn candidate.

You know, legally, you're entitled to an equal share of any community space.

- That sounds true.

- It's definitely true.

I know my way around planning codes.

Years of fighting slumlords in Oakland.

Do we even want an office in that mall anyway? I mean, you were there for an hour and you were miserable.

Yes.

It's the principle of it.

You know what I think we should do? I think we should go down there, and we should confront this Breem gentleman.

Mano a mano.

Ugh.

One pair of shoulder pads and he's suddenly John Wayne.

I love this idea.

I mean, full disclosure I've had several beers, and this is my second skunk stick.

But tomorrow we go give that guy a piece of our mind.

That's enemy territory.

That's not what this campaign is about.

That's not what you're about.

You spend a fair amount of time in that place, don't you, Sheil? Is that where you do your jazz dancing and whatnot? Mm-hmm.

Is that what you're about, Sheil? Is he gonna let him talk to you like that? Jerry let me get a hit of that joint.

This day just took it right out of me.

You're damn right, he is.

I'm not some monster out to chew up the environment in service to my greed.

I'm a lover of the outdoors, and of the coastline in particular.

I just don't believe in letting the ocean call the sh*ts.

Is that what you were going to say in the debate before Danny shut you down? Your husband got in a few good lines at my expense, that's for sure.

I don't know that he's shut me down.

Well, you certainly got the last laugh.

Funding the opposition's campaign ad.

Must have cost you a pretty penny.

It was a worthwhile investment in the future.

Whose future, exactly? The future of our community.

And of my company, of course.

I don't have all the money in the world just sitting around.

Every new project incurs substantial risk, significant leverage.

I put everything on the line every time I embark on a new Breem Team experience.

That is the truth.

Contrary to what you may think of me.

I don't think of you, really.

At all.

Right.

You came to me about equity concerning use of the community room.

You were right to bring that to my attention.

I'm not going to ask the Schmidt campaign to move, but I can offer you access to an alternative space that's currently vacant.

If it meets your needs.

Follow me.

This way.

This place is perfect for Danny.

But it's even better for you.

Are you guys f*cking stoked on this? Totally f*cking stoked.

Hello? Looking for some feedback over here.

It would be really helpful to know if you're stoked or bummed.

I put my f*cking heart into this.

I'm pretty f*cking proud of it.

But if you're bummed, you're bummed.

I mean, it is what it is.

Tyler.

I'm not bummed.

I f*cking knew you'd be stoked.

How could you not be? We f*cking nailed it.

- This thing is sick.

- It's sick.

- It's totally sick, babe.

- You're sick, babe.

This calls for a celebration.

Still a couple final sound things I want to smooth out, but then, I say we fire up on dupe and distrib.

Get this baby out there.

These new duplicators are out.

Little pricey, but so f*cking sweet.

- How pricey? - Ten grand.

Or we get a post house to do it for us through my independent film contacts.

- He's talking about p*rn.

- I know.

It's around five grand a run.

Four if they bro me.

Five grand.

Four if they "bro" him.

So you dig a little deeper, just a little longer.

How many more can you make on this thing? Only a few.

But the quality goes down every time.

That's just too painful.

And I can't degrade you girls like that.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Let's watch it again.

Unlocking your best self comes down to discovering your season.

Learning whether you're an autumn, winter, fall or spring.

Whether blue is your best friend or brown is your enemy.

Take Greta here.

This is a beautiful scarf.

Or I'm sure it looked like one on the rack.

But do you see how it enhances all the wrong elements in her skin? Good God.

Uh, it was a gift from my sister.

I didn't I didn't pick it.

Let's talk about makeup palette.

Greta's got a brownish shade on her lips and lids.

Uh, Egyptian Sunset.

I've been wearing it since high school.

But what you should be wearing is the exact opposite.

Soft pink.

Really? I didn't know.

I'm so embarrassed.

With the Color Me Alluring system, you'll receive a personal road map that takes all the guesswork out of your color choices.

Who knows? You might just discover a whole new hue.

But before we start the process, any questions so far? You have to.

You have to.

I have one.

Is everyone here really buying this? Sounds like someone may have hit the sangria a little hard.

Being your personal best is not about seasonal eye shadow.

It's about what's underneath your clothes.

Underneath your skin.

- Uh, Sheila, are you feeling okay? - Uh, I am, actually.

I'm feeling better than I have in quite some time.

The only way to truly feel good about yourself is to stop worrying about what's on the outside, and get in touch with what's on the inside.

And I'm talking about your heart, your muscles.

I'm talking about getting strong.

And I can tell you all think that I'm crazy, and maybe I am.

But what if instead of talking about it, I I showed you? Greta, would you mind? Uh - Thank you.

- All right.

- Thank you, Sheila.

- Thank you, Vicki.

- Thank you, Maria.

- Thank you.

Well, bye.

Uh, that's the last of the copies that I have on me, but I'll let you know when I can mail yours out.

- I have both your numbers.

- Okay.

So thanks, ladies.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

Wow.

So exciting.

Well, that's not how I thought this afternoon was gonna go.

- Me either! - Yeah.

I guess I sort of ended up taking over.

I hope I Vicki wasn't too offended.

I I don't know I don't know what came over me.

I was just so excited to share the video, and then when everyone else got excited, it felt like an opportunity.

Ernie's camera went missing right after you came over.

It never occurred to me that you would take it.

But it also never occurred to me that you'd hijack a tea party.

So Did you? Did you take Ernie's camera? She sees you.

She sees what you are.

Uh, I don't want to say.

I I was, um A selfish, stupid, fat liar.

A greedy cow.

I was It was wrong.

- Oh.

- Uh, I was wrong.

I just, uh I I just meant to borrow it.

And, um you said Ernie has more gadgets than he knew what to do with and I I just honestly thought that no one would even notice.

- It was so - Okay, well, he noticed.

And he fired Miriam.

And she has three kids.

Maybe even four.

I know she has a number of children.

I felt really awful.

I really did.

I'd I I kept meaning to come clean.

- And, uh - But you never did.

Well, I There's I I have a reason.

Okay.

What? You can't tell her about the tape.

It isn't your story to tell.

You are not leaving this driveway until you tell me what it is.

What, are you gonna try to distract me with one of your workout tapes? I'm not I didn't, um, make this tape.

Your husband did.

I don't think it's what you're expecting.

In fact, I know it isn't.

- So I - You can go now.

- Greta, please.

- I said go.

Get out.

I gotta admit, I was worried about the suit.

- But if you f*cking squint your eyes - Hey.

Sorry I'm so late.

- Greta's party ran a little long.

- I look like a Jewish Kennedy.

- Even I wanna f*ck me.

- That's what I'm saying.

- Do you like the ad? - No, we don't like it, Sheil.

We love it.

I mean, this is a ten-strike.

I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.

I mean, this is the guy, right here.

Taking names.

Owning it.

I'm happy you're happy.

You know, a spot like this deserves a much bigger ad buy than what we were planning.

- What are you thinking? - I don't know.

Six, seven thou.

I mean, this is a rocket ship - to Sacramento, man.

- Yeah.

I'm not sure we've got that in the budget, but Oh, no.

We definitely have it.

It's here, in your own handwriting.

Hmm.

- Wait, this is my favorite part.

- I love it.

- You were joking about - I know, don't Knee, punch, kick.

Knee, punch, kick.