02x01 - Das Banana Boot

[bunniefuu]

Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs]

- Ooh! - [growls]

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [indistinct chatter]

Thank you all for another great year, and your thoughtful, last-second gifts.

Hold up! Red Lobster gift card coming your way.

Here's everything I confiscated from you this year.

- Bex, your bullhorn.

- Awesome.

Attention! There's a dented Honda Accord on fire.

- TEACHERS: My car! - Wolf, your bow and arrow.

- I'm gonna eat good this summer.

- Now, let's have five minutes of general chaos until the bell rings.

[all cheering]

[dynamic music]

[squeaks]

[hawk shrieks]

Check it, Mia.

Pen in the pencil sharpener.

[laughs]

Somebody has to clean that up.

- Duncan, clean that up.

- Yes, sir.

- So what are your plans for the summer? - My summer? The uzh.

Going to summer school.

You? Getting my college pre-reqs out of the way.

Yeah, pre-reqs are always in the way.

[bell rings]

[all cheer]

- Duncan, good news.

- Did your girlfriend finally say yes? No, and I share way too much with this class.

You may not have to go to summer school this year.

I think you mean I can not have to go to summer school this year.

[sighs]

You just have one test you need to make up.

Fitness test? Why does the president care if I'm hot? The only resource America has left is our hotness.

Complete the test by midnight, and we both have the summer off.

I could finally take my girl to Solvang, wrap a ring up in one of those skinny Danish pancakes Oh, there I go sharing too much again.

Mommy, Daddy! Here's all my artwork from the year so you can hang them up! - Hmm.

- These are beautiful, Jing.

Yeah, good job.

But we need to find the perfect place to display them.

You know, we could really use a pop of color under the sink.

- Great idea! - Ugh, what's a girl gotta do to make the fridge? I hate my yearbook picture! Can we sue the school? We're not suing anyone.

Juries find me unlikable and your father talks too much.

- Let me see it.

- Mm.

What's wrong with it? It looks just like you, like you always look.

- And always will.

- I'm tired of looking like me.

This better be the summer nature kicks in and gives me a little ba-boom and a little ba-bang.

I wanna come back to school and have the guys go, "Damn, who's the cool new girl?" And I'll turn to them and say, "It's Kimberly! The girl you used to throw soup on!" Well, only one more kid to enter.

[sighs, grunts]

[groans]

Oh, Dunkie, I'm glad your pants are off.

I need you to try on your back to school summer clothes.

Actually, Mr.

Mitch said I might not have - to go to summer school.

- No summer school? - You mean we could actually have a - Family vacation? [all cheering]

I just have to pass this fitness test.

Oh, take it! It's heavy! No offense, son, but you're practically an invalid.

Can't we just Aunt Becky our way out of this with some fake photos? - You guys don't believe in me? - No, but I believe in me.

And me is gonna help you! Let's get physical.

Cool.

I need to change into shorts.

Carry me upstairs.

[mellow music]

Let's start easy: one sit-up.

- Flat on your back, feet on the ground.

- [groans]

My spiney fluid! [grunts]

[all straining]

- [shouts]

- One! Next up, lift half your body weight.

- 40 pounds? - [grunts]

Oh! [grunts]

Oh, she's too heavy! Oh, hang on.

I have a turtle in my pocket.

- There.

- [grunts]

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! This is it, Dunkie! The mile run! - Carry us to vacation, baby! - Ugh! I'm not gonna make it! You're a bum, Duncan! A worthless bum! - Go back to the docks! - I ain't no bum.

[panting]

Way to inspire your brother - like Rocky's trainer.

- Who? - Ugh, come on.

- [groans]

Hey, Duncan's family.

What's up? He finished his test and it's one minute till midnight.

Okay, hang on.

[phone ringing]

Talk to me, Mr.

Mitch.

Madam President, Duncan Harris has completed his fitness test.

- Did you see him do it? - Nah, but his parents seem cool.

That's all I needed to hear.

- Enjoy your summer, Harris family.

- You too, Mr.

Mitch.

And good luck with that pancake proposal.

- Duncan! - I'm sorry.

It was such a sweet story.

[both grunt]

Oh, going on vacation? - Must be nice.

- Yeah, it is.

Bye, Helen! Duncan, let me sunscreen your shoulders.

You're burning.

And so am I.

- Get in the car, Duncan.

- But my shoulders.

[both grunt]

[engine turns over]

I've never been on vacation.

So we're gonna live at another place? How do we eat? Where do we sleep? Does Santa know we're there? I'm so excited! - Ugh, can you do the Benadryl now? - That is for legitimate allergies.

BOTH: Sure, Mom.

- I told you it doesn't wipe their memory.

- Listen up.

Duncan may never pass anything again, so let's make this the perfect family vacation.

I want us to order a crazy amount of room service and not worry about the cost Your seafood towers and $45 Cokes.

[all grunting]

Sing songs around a beach bonfire ALL: k*lling me softly with his song ♪ k*lling me softly ♪ And finally, the holy grail of motherhood: get a picture of all of us on a banana boat.

[camera shutter clicks]

Hey, Duncan, who's the hot guy that Mia's talking to? [yells]

Let me out, let me out! [strains]

Duncan, no! She's not worth it! Mom, the Benadryl! [cap pops]

- [grunts]

- [gags]

There you go.

All aboard the Benny train.

- [groans]

- Cover his face.

He's freaking me out.

[beachgoers shouting, laughing]

Ooh, parasailing, waterskiing, wakeboarding.

Who knew there were so many ways to be - dragged through the water? - [gasps]

A banana boat! Family photo, right now, before we're too sunburned to smile.

[gasps]

My chance to paint something fridge-worthy! [gasps]

Screw nature! I can ba-boom and ba-bang myself! And I need Wi-Fi so I can find out who that guy was with Mia.

Oh, they knew how much I wanted this.

Hey, can you get a picture of us? Sorry, that banana's for happy families only.

[squeaking]

[splash]

[guests chattering]

Mm.

- [grunts]

- Whoa.

- Ugh.

- [sighs]

Stop flicking your measles at people, Melissa.

- But I'm on vacation! - Mm You know, maybe being without kids isn't so bad.

We haven't had a day alone together in 15 years.

- Are you suggesting - Yeah, girl.

[leisurely music]

BOTH: The adult pool.

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪ - 'Tis without pee, Mum! - I guess we could have one adult day.

Oh, but there's nowhere to lounge.

- Hmm - Hey, sad married couple! Get your untanned butts over here! I'm sorry, this wife is not for swap.

Don't let the ponytail fool you.

We're not swingers.

Annie, look at the pony he's rocking.

Come on! Let's go make new friends.

- I thought we were here for us time.

- It is us! The four of us! [yelps]

- What are you working on, Jing? - Something so breathtaking, it will never be hidden under the sink! You're a hack, Jing! [shouts]

I don't wanna be me anymore.

Make me look completely unique and original.

The number seven.

You got it.

[machinery whirring]

[angelic chorus]

You even spray-painted my braces.

How can I ever repay you? You could drop a little somethin', somethin' in here.

That's okay, it's more important you look good - than I pay my rent.

- Hey, how's your summer going? Not good.

The FBI found bones in my yard.

Yeah, cool, cool, cool.

Bones.

- Is Mia hanging out with a guy? - Ooh, let me check Mia's Insta.

Oh oh, good.

College stuff.

She's just wasting her summer.

You could not be more wrong.

Virtually walk with me.

This ain't a selfie.

Someone took it.

- And check out her RI.

- Her what? Retinal image! Ah, there's bae right there.

- Ugh! - Damn, total hunk.

Yeah, but we don't know what their relationship is.

He could be helping her with her pre-reqs, and getting, you know, all of her reqs in order.

They're in her room, and the nightstand's open.

She's getting "pre-wrecked.

" All right, well, have a good vacation! - [whimpers]

Us? Oh, we met on a plane.

It's a clichéd story.

I was the flight attendant.

Nina was the air marshal.

Someone tried to take over the plane.

Nick threw hot coffee in his face, I sh*t him in the leg, then while we were p*stol-whipping him, our eyes met and we've been inseparable ever since.

- BOTH: Aww.

- So, tell me, Harrises.

How did a stud and a filly like you get together? Oh, we've got quite a little story too.

We met in high school.

- Our desks were next to each other.

- And? And we're getting through it.

[cell phone chimes]

Ooh, time for our couples massage! - Oh! - Ooh! Nothing like getting touched by other people.

Again, not swingers.

Nicko, text me that shampoo you use on your PT.

Don't forget.

I know how you are.

- Nina, remind him.

[laughs]

- I thought this was us time, Jack.

You don't have to become pals with everyone you meet.

You can never have too many friends, Annie.

[cell phone buzzes]

Oh, our census taker's getting divorced.

Everyone counted but her.

First strut as a hot girl.

Work it, Kimberly.

[foot hisses]

[screams]

Oh, hot tiles, hot tiles! Ah.

Huh? Tipped shades! He's interested.

All I need him to do now is lick his fingers and split his eyebrows.

- [snorts]

- Snot rocket.

Close enough.

- Hey, hottie.

What's your name? - Jeremy.

- Kimberly, help! - [yelps]

Mia somehow found somebody better than me.

- How did you know it was me? - You smell like our house.

Come on! Mia's Instagram showed her in her bedroom with a guy.

How do I compete? - Was her nightstand open? - [groans]

I am so sorry.

Here's what we gotta do.

Instagram is about creating jealousy through a fake life and then measuring said jealousy in likes and comments.

If you do it right, you might just get sponsored by Flat Tummy Tea.

- Okay, get ready.

- [grunts]

[grunts]

[camera shutter snaps]

Okay, captioning "grateful" with prayer hands, and you're good to go.

She'll be burning with #jealousy.

[pants, gasps]

He's gone! [sobbing]

Ah! Ow, ow, ow! Can't cry in those contacts.

The blue is actually bleach.

You know how it is with art.

They'll love my stuff when I'm dead.

- Juice me.

Leave the bottle.

- I have an emergency! I need the police, SWAT Team, helicopters, and cadaver dogs.

- My God, what happened? - I lost the cutest boy.

Girl, you need to swim the hell away from my bar.

[laid-back music]

[sighs]

- [record scratches]

- Room for two more? - Not really.

- Hop on! Oh, you're doing deep tissue? - [scoffs]

So boring.

- What do you recommend? - Cupping for everyone, Tyler.

- Cupping? Isn't that where they - [skin hisses]

Oh, no! - Ow! Jeremy's gone.

I looked everywhere from Ballroom A to Conference Room L.

- Is that where you got that small Fiji water? - Yeah.

- [cell phone chimes]

- Oh, Mia liked my post! - That's good, right? - Just a like? No comment? If she was jealous, she would've said something.

[sighs]

Maybe she's writing it now.

Refresh damn.

Refresh damn! They monopolized our entire day.

The massage, the limbo contest, shopping and why did you buy Nick a toe ring? It was a thank you for the charm bracelet he bought me.

Come on, honey, you can never have - too many friends.

- Okay, listen up.

Everyone got to have their solo day of fun, but fun's over.

It's time to start enjoying this vacation as a family.

- To the buffet! - Did somebody yell buffet? Hey, look who's here, Jack.

Remember Nick and Nina from everything we did today? Hey, guys! What are you doing here? We had a suite, but we missed our new friends.

So we downgraded to a small smoking room next to you.

So wanna watch "King of Queens" on our bed or yours? I don't know, honey.

Which bed do you think? - Could you give us a second? - Okay, but the show's starting.

You don't wanna have to catch up.

Doug, I tripped on your giant underwear again! Get off my back, Carrie.

I'm the king of Queens.

And I live in the basement! [both laugh]

You have to end this relationship.

- But I love you.

- With Nick and Nina! You know it's more important to me - to be liked than respected.

- Come on, honey.

The kids are growing up so fast.

I don't even recognize Kimberly anymore.

- That's Kimberly? - The banana boat.

The bonfire.

The overpriced room service.

They're not just rip-offs.

They're precious family memories.

Mm.

[gentle ukulele music]

Nicko, when we first met six hours ago, I thought we were gonna be together for a few days.

But life's crazy, you know? Jack, are you breaking up with me? It's not you.

It's my wife.

She wants to make memories with our kids.

That banana boat picture means the world to her.

Wow, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crushed, but I get it.

No, please keep the toe ring.

That was a gift.

Thanks, brother.

Enjoy your family.

[both grunt]

- Can I ask you one thing, Nick? - Anything.

On "King of Queens," who lives in the basement? Arthur.

Arthur lives in the basement.

♪♪ Good morning, Reggie.

I believe you have a banana boat reserved for the Harris family.

Yes we do, and they are having a blast! We don't take rejection well.

So we stole your banana boat, and now your memories are ours! [both cackle]

We should've watched TV in bed with them.

[both laughing]

Jack, that should be us exaggerating our fun to make - other families jealous! - I can't believe I'm saying this, but you can have too many friends.

Mm.

Get on, Harrises.

Your mom wants to ride a banana! [engine turns over]

[all shout]

Hang on! [screams]

[dramatic music]

Jeremy, help! [coughs]

♪♪ [both gasp, pant]

- You glowed up, too? - My yearbook picture sucked.

My name's not even Jeremy.

Oh, and Norman can't swim.

[yelps, pants]

- Jing, take the wheel! - Why does she get to do it? You always zone out when you're driving.

I do not! That cloud is shaped like a dragon.

[both grunt]

Eat Coppertone, bitch! [screams]

It burns! I held your place in the buffet line, Jack! - [grunts]

- I hot-oiled your ponytail! - You did? - [grunts]

- Okay.

- [grunts]

- [grunts]

- [strains, pants]

If you can't swim, why were you pretending to be a lifeguard? The same reason you painted your braces.

I wanted people to stop throwing soup on me.

BOTH: Middle school sucks.

Stop strangling yourself, Jack! Squeeze the life out of him, baby.

It turns me on.

Still, not swingers.

[grunts]

- [grunts]

- Eat Coppertone, bitch! - Again? - Flip the boat, Duncan! Save Mommy and Daddy! [strains]

I'm not strong enough! The president of the United States says you are.

[straining]

[all scream]

- Ooh! - [grunts]

You can take the jet ski.

We've got banana boat memories to make.

- Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! Making memories! This is amazing shaved ice.

You wouldn't think Tutti Frutti and Tiger's Blood would work together, but they do.

You know, in the '70s, they didn't shave the ice.

- They just left it natural.

- Nobody cut their cubes? - I still like mine uncut.

- This is all I wanted being with my family, watching a beautiful sunset in matching outfits.

All we need now is a bonfire, and it's a perfect vacation.

One bonfire coming up.

Hmm.

Isn't that the jet ski that we left for Nick and Nina? Oh, that could be any Wave Master 3000 that still has my coffee in it.

[gasps]

Well, that's not any toe ring.

That's Nick's toe ring.

I'd recognize it anywhere.

But where are Nick and Nina? Am I allowed to call adults by their first names now? They're dead! And we were the last ones to see them.

People could think we had something to do with it! Jack, Annie! What are we gonna do? - k*ll everyone here? - No.

As an officer of the law, there's only one thing we can do.

That's it, burn their clothes, burn their bong, burn it all! Got the seafood tower! I love burning stuff, but why are we doing this? - We're painting a picture.

- Your sister's right.

They're not bloated on the bottom of the ocean if they're here, bloated on shellfish.

Here's what happened: Nick and Nina came back to their room "Oh, what a fun day annoying the Harrises," grabbed two shrimp in melted ice water.

"Mmm, this shrimp is so good," got frisky on the bed.

"Ooh, oh, wow, oh, boy, oh, Nick!" Then they called it off due to bad shellfish.

"Ugh, I'm gonna throw up.

I'm throwin' and goin'.

" And then they left the hotel without being seen, thanks to the miracle of video check out.

BOTH: Do not check us out! [dramatic musical sting]

[all scream]

They're sea ghosts, and their souls won't rest until we're dead! [chuckles]

We're not sea ghosts.

ALL: Huh? Yeah, we're just scamming the hotel by letting them think we d*ed so we get a free vacation.

But if you check us out, they charge our card, - and we're on the hook for it.

- This was all a setup? Oh, yeah, we've been doing this for years.

Last week, we d*ed at this adorable ice hotel in Sweden.

We pick out a bland, friendless couple, just trying to have a nice vacation Annoy the crap out of them, instigate a violent brawl, and let them think they m*rder*d us.

- Free vacay, baby.

- You made us think we k*lled you! Oh, get off our backs.

We just swam a mile to shore.

- You and you are sociopaths! - But great company.

Hey, if you're ever in Oakdale - Jack! - Right, right, right.

[grunts]

Going to Mia's bye! [panting]

[gasps]

Norman just sent me the cutest Boomerang! I'm gonna send him one back.

Nobody come in my room! What do you got, Jing? Oh, it's just a picture I drew on vacation.

I'll put it under the sink with the others.

Wait, is this us covering up a m*rder? - As a family! - We love it.

I'm finally on the fridge! I've reached the top! Then why do I feel so empty? - That's the mark of a true artist.

- Yay, I'm nuts! Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy [panting]

Duncan, how was your vacation? - Great, who was that guy? - What guy? The 6'2" hot guy I saw in your retinal image.

Oh, that was my ex from my old school.

He wanted to get back together, but I wasn't interested.

- Oh, all right.

- But then we hit it off again so we made out for a while, but the spark just wasn't there.

But your nightstand why was it open? - I'm afraid that's my fault.

- Huh? Drawer's all fixed, ma'am.

You can finally close it.

Sorry I took all week.

Just remember, you can't keep objects that big in a drawer that small.

You weren't jealous, were you? I mean, you were partying with those college girls.

Oh, yeah, they were all over me.

- Maybe I should be jealous.

- What, no! [grunts]

You're moving too fast for me! Zeb, wait up! [pants, grunts]

Girls and nightstands.

Am I right, partner? What just drive.

Whoa!