02x02 - Duncan's New Word

[bunniefuu]

Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Okay, Dunkie, don't forget.

- Ten and two like the hands of a clock.

- The what of a what? Honey, kids don't know what clocks are.

Think of it like four and one on a rotary phone.

- Ugh! - Duncan, train! I made eye contact with the conductor! - Dunkie, pay attention! - Ugh, you have so many rules.

Look both ways, stay awake, keep your leg inside.

- Ugh.

- You think she's tough? Driving with my dad was terrifying.

Don't use your blinker! They'll know where you're going.

Take your hands off the wheel! Use your knees, damn it.

Don't stop for that cat! - Sorry, kitty! - Never apologize to a cat! Of all my sperm, I can't believe you are the one that made it.

Your Grampy stories are hilarious.

Can we stop and feed that old horse? No, little girls and horses don't mix.

- He looks nice.

- Yeah, well, so did Ted Bundy.

Some animals are just born rotten.

You've heard the expression.

You know, - "Born a rotten animal.

" - Nobody has, Mom.

You struggled coming up with it.

- Duncan, leg! - Hm? Ah! I don't wanna die in these shorts! Ah, if I'm gonna get through "Of Mice and Men," I'm gonna need a little something, something.

You know you're not allowed to have coffee.

It stunts your growth and curls your hands.

Besides, there's something about a 12-year-old girl with coffee that's just tawdry.

- Ugh, leaving, bye.

- Hold on, Speedy McGee.

- Where do you think you're going? - Movies with friends.

Bye.

Hey, wait a minute, Exit McBrexit.

- Did you take out the trash? - No.

- Fold your jammies? - No.

- Take your bathy? - No.

- Clean your earsies? - No, and I never will! - Bye! - Jack! Okay, Duncan, please just pick one chore - to do before you leave.

- Come on, Jack.

I don't wanna always be the bad guy.

- Stop being such a soft touch.

- Don't, Dad.

We like that you're a soft touch.

Soft touch Daddy! Ooh! I am not a soft touch.

You heard your mother and me.

Do your chores! - I'm so sorry.

- Fine.

Bathy, earsy, foldy.

Happy? Be home by 10:00.

What time? - 10:00.

- I can't hear you.

- 10:00! - There we go.

- Enjoy your movie, sweetie.

- Don't tell me what to do! That was a scary movie.

When the licensed paranormal investigator turned out to be unlicensed, I screamed my butt off.

I loved that it was more than just a dumb, scary horror movie.

It had something to say about how we handle death as a society.

Yeah, my favorite part was when the ghost represented the guy's grief at the loss of his mother in that car accident when he was a child.

Were we watching the same movie? Seriously, you got that? They never actually said it.

Seemed pretty obvious.

Let's get some Kenny Chesney cheesy fries.

Wait, wait, go back to the ghost representing grief.

Wolf, swap seats with me.

Oh, her leg is touching mine! But angry Mom is texting me.

What would Kenny Chesney do? Ignore them texts, Duncan.

Mia thinks your tractor's sexy.

Dang, my cheesy Chesney fries are mmm-mmm good.

Jack, it's 10:30.

- VH1's "Behind the Music" is on.

- Duncan's late.

He's either making out or bleeding out.

- Both aren't good.

- Honey, he's fine.

And Def Leppard's drummer hasn't lost his arm yet.

- There it goes.

- Come on.

We're gonna go get him.

"He brought the muzzle of it close to the back of Lennie's head.

" Your brother broke curfew.

Get in the car.

- Can I bring my bunny book? - Sure.

And the app also tells you what part of the movie to go pee during.

I didn't know you were such a film buff.

Oh, yeah.

I'm an "obstute" observer of the human condition.

Hey, when we're done eating, you want to come over to my house? We can watch Peacock and chill.

Hoo-wee, Duncan, everything gets hotter when the sun goes down.

Look at him.

He's alive.

That little creep left me on "read.

" Drag him out, Mom, but cheat yourself toward the window so I have a good sh*t of both of you.

Good luck, honey.

Hey, could you grab me some Funyun rings? I can't go in.

There's a hole in my pajamas in a bad spot.

- Go.

- Me? But you're so much better at public scenes and don't care what the kids think of you.

You're his father.

Just go in and say, "Get your butt in the car, or I'll put it there.

" - What if he says "no?" - You don't take "no" for an answer.

Okay.

I'm the father.

I'm the father.

I'm the father.

Are you sure your parents will be cool with me coming over? Actually, they're out of town.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Duncan Harris, I am your father! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Well, this is every teen's fantasy.

- Duncan, you are out past curfew.

- I have a good reason.

Whoa, son, I had no idea.

Sorry to bother you.

I'm sorry, Duncan, but it's time to go.

- Bid your friends farewell.

- Calm down.

I'll meet you at home later.

- Let's roll, Mia.

- But your father.

Don't worry about him.

He's a pushover.

Hell no, you'll meet me now in here and also at home - 'cause that's where we're going! - Maybe you'd better go.

My parents will be out of town again in six months.

No, you're impressed with me tonight, and this may never happen again.

Duncan Harris, I am your father! You are still my little boy, now get your butt in the car, or I will put it there.

[Bleep]

you, Jack! Oh! Mm, no, uh, uh - Huh? - Daaaamn! Hm.

- Ah! - I cannot believe those horrible words came out of your mouth, the mouth that, up until last month, still had two baby teeth! - Wait, you were just in bed.

- What? Those are doubles we hire to attend all your school crap.

Hey, don't forget, parent teacher conference next week.

I gotta go.

School starts in three hours.

Oh, no, you don't.

Look at what you've done to your father.

- Get in the car.

I'm the father.

- I'm the father What do you have to say for yourself, young man? I apologize for the toxic atmosphere.

I fired three producers, and you can have your birthday off.

That's a celebrity apology.

It's meaningless.

Dad kept yelling at me in front of my friends.

I mean, if you shake a bottle of water long enough, - it explodes.

- You mean can of soda.

You're shaking the water, Mom! I'm out of this dump.

You might feel like a big sh*t now, Cussy McFoulmouth, but let me tell you nobody's impressed, mister, nobody! He's impressive.

Duncan's impressive! Back up, everybody.

Worldstar coming through.

That was freaking awesome, dude, and by freaking, I mean what you said.

Oh, hey, Mia, sorry you had to see that last night.

Do you still want to Peacock and chill? 'Cause if not, I can stay home and HBO Max and wax.

Are you kidding? Who knew you had a rebellious side? And who knew I was so basic that I'd be attracted to it? Why don't you come over tonight? - Maybe I will.

Maybe I won't.

- God, I love this you! Ugh, I've been nagging him for 15 years.

Where did his anger come from? - Poor Mommy.

- Yeah, she's going through hell.

So here's how we exploit it.

Duncan's giant screwup has just opened - the window for us.

- The window? The parents are so upset with Duncan, we have 24 hours to do whatever we want and not get in trouble.

Watch.

- Man, that's good coffee, Mom.

- Huh? Oh, thanks, yeah, - Hazelnut blend.

- Oh.

Mommy, Kimberly and I both have fevers, so we're staying home from school today, okay? Yeah, okay, sure.

Have a good sickness.

The window.

Hey, Ashley, it's Duncan Harris.

Your friend May told me your boss keeps harassing you to wash your hands before going back to work, so just want to tell him Dave.

And that's another 25 bucks.

We over here making Jeremy Piven money.

Duncan, I just read in the school paper what you said to your dad.

So where'd he hit you? - He didn't.

- Not even with his hand? A shoe? A novelty safari belt from his trip to Nigeria that will leave a imprint of a elephant of your ass? Some of his tears hit me.

Damn, your dad sounds like a good man.

- Oh, yeah, he's the best.

- But you made him cry.

I destroyed him.

What are you getting at, Mr.

Mitch? Duncan, all a father has is the false belief that he's in charge, but you grabbed his power.

- I know it feels really good right now - Really good.

But who's gonna high-five you after your first kiss? Who's gonna fart and blame the dog? Who's gonna speak too long at your wedding when everyone just wants to drink? Not your good dad 'cause he's dead.

You k*lled him.

I still don't get what you're Wait a minute Start already.

I get it! Thanks, tiny Duncan.

That kid needs to get hit.

Look, I'm Mommy on her wedding day! Baby Duncan's in my tummy.

And I just joined her Pedalton class.

I see "Shrink my Fannie Annie" from Oakdale's with us today.

Who's ready for their revenge body? I am, Brendan.

I found chocolate syrup under Mommy's bed.

That's a weird place to keep it.

Oh, well.

I'm eating for two.

Faster, bitch! Your husband works too hard for you to look like that.

I'm not wasting our window on this fat-shamer.

- Let's go have some unsupervised fun.

- Yeah! I don't care ♪ I love it ♪ I don't care ♪ I got this feeling on the summer day ♪ When you were gone ♪ I crashed my car into the bridge ♪ Into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn ♪ I threw your into a bag and pushed ♪ Just yesterday ♪ I swaddled you ♪ I coddled you ♪ Then you F-bombed my heart ♪ Oh, hey, Dad, Mr.

Mitch and I thought about what I said, and I'm really sorry, and I'm ready for my punishment.

You don't own an elephant belt, do you? You're gonna wish we owned an elephant belt when you hear your punishment.

- Tell him what he's lost, Jack! - I-I think he's learned his lesson.

He's learned nothing! Duncan crossed a line.

He's gone from rad to radicalized.

Yeah, Dad, you have to punish me, or else you won't bore people at my wedding.

You know, um, sometimes the best punishment - is no punishment.

- Where are you getting this stuff, AOC? - Punish your son.

- Yeah, punish me, Dad.

Smash that guitar over my head - like in cartoons.

- No! Why not? Because I respect you for saying what I never had the guts to say to my father! Do uh, do you want me to tell you the story? - Yeah, sure.

- Okay.

One day, when I was still trying to get my band going and working a part-time job, he came to my work.

- Sorry to interrupt you and your date.

- Need something, Dad? So this is the job you took instead of working with your old man - at the dog food factory.

- Let's not do this here.

Why? You gonna cry? Dad, those are for display only.

Oh, tough guy, eh? - Knock it off! - You gonna cry, rock star? You gonna run home to your ukulele - and write a song about me? - It's a guitar! That's not a guitar.

Hank Williams plays a guitar.

- You know what, Dad?! - What? Mm I'm going on my break! Oh, and happy birthday! That was the day I should have said it to him, but I didn't have your guts, Duncan.

Plus I was afraid he'd knock me through a window.

Oh, honey, it's never too late to say something hateful to someone you love.

Duncan, when you said it to me, how did it feel? Honestly, like cool grass under your feet - on a hot summer day.

- I love that feeling! Too bad I missed my chance.

Alright! Mm.

No, Dad, we're doing this, and I will be your amoral support.

- Mom, you want in on this action? - No, but take video.

I have to keep an eye on your sisters.

Wait, where are they, anyway? Dracarys.

Let's go yell at my father! - Dad and Duncan made up.

- Aww, that's nice.

No, Jing, that means the window is closing.

Oh, that sucks! We can only get away with one more thing.

What have we always wanted to do, but Mom always says no? Feed the horsey.

I was gonna say Post Malone our faces, but we walked all the way here.

Train kept a-rolling all night long ♪ Train kept a-rolling all night long ♪ Hey! If I'm gonna swear at my dad, I need my pump up music.

We've been sitting outside Grampy's place for an hour.

- Are we doing this or what? - Not yet.

But I just couldn't tell her ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪ Okay, I'm ready.

I am here to see d*ck Harris.

Jackie! So good to see you, son.

Do it, Dad.

End his old ass.

Aw, he wants us to get on.

Do you think we should? Huh? Yee-haw! Is that right? And now time to enjoy my post-workout snack of carrots and sugar cubes.

Hmm, hm.

What the? Kimberly, Jing! That horse! And let's not forget your dad and that damn guitar.

- Here we go.

- Lock and load that F-b*mb.

He played that damn thing so well, - a regular Hank Williams.

- You used to hate my guitar.

You backed over it with your Bonneville.

Ah, I was jealous.

I had the handsomest, most talented kid and I was a nothing who ground bird beaks into dog food.

I was tearing you down to build myself up.

Heck, if I was you, I'd be telling me off right now.

Actually, Dad, there is something I need to say.

What? Mm F - father, I love you! - That's my boy.

Ugh, I didn't listen to that train song six times for this.

I'm grabbing a frosty N-Shure.

He's so beautiful.

I'm gonna call him Princess Jing - like Daddy's guitar.

- He's not mean.

What else is Mom lying about? I'll bet I can't get pregnant on the first time.

No way, and I'm gonna touch that fence by the power plant.

Girls, get off that horse! It's dangerous! You're a liar, Mom! Go away! Yeah, you're crazy, lady! Oh, ah! - Whoa! - Ah, I'm sorry, Mommy! - Save us! - Yeah, help us, lady! Stand down, Officer Maple Bar.

- Officer Maple Bar? - You know this horse? We used to work together.

Until one day, I was given the choice of keeping the horse or taking a new electric cart.

I loved Maple Bar more than anything in the world.

He even saved my life once, but the cart had a cupholder, so I chose the cart.

You traded him for a cupholder? - You're the rotten animal! - I'm so sorry, Maple Bar.

Come on, it's a hot day.

Let me give you some water.

Maple Bar, no! You were my maid of honor! I don't blame him.

I put the cart before the horse.

Gosh, that's funny! I made a funny joke by accident.

I did an improv! Sorry we exploited you being mad at Duncan - to nearly k*ll ourselves.

- Can you ever forgive us? I can always forgive, but I never forget, which means I never really forgive.

You done all right for yourself, son.

Beautiful family, your own business, ponytail Seabiscuit would k*ll for.

Did you hear that? He accepts us.

Eh.

Where's that damn nurse with my meds? Hey, where'd the twinkle in your eye go? - Jackie, can you do me a solid? - Anything for you, Pop.

Change your old man's diaper.

- Whoa, what? - Oh, come on.

When your diaper needed changing, who made your mom do it? Oh, never mind.

I'll just stew in it.

No, Pop, I won't let you stew in anything besides my love.

Strawberry, butter pecan, banana nut man, dying people have the life.

Hey, kid, would you mind giving your grandfather this pill for his back pain? We're going on strike.

- Sure, no prob and good luck.

- Thanks.

Get this to your grandpa soon.

His meds are the only thing keeping him nice - 'cause when they wear off - He's a mean, old man who thinks it's fun to make his son cry? That's our d*ck! Oh, no, Dad thinks his father loves him! Dad, you're supposed to take the peanuts out of the shell.

I paid for the shell.

I'm gonna eat the shell.

Now hurry up.

It's cold, you idiot.

Are you criticizing me while I'm doing the most loving, disgusting thing a child can do for his father? Dad, Dad, don't fall for his praise.

- His meds make him - what the? Look away! Oh, Jackie, you'll do anything to feel loved.

You didn't mean those nice things you said? And changing you, that was just to humiliate me? Aww, you gonna cry about it, rock star? - Say it, Dad! - Say what? Your dad's not man enough.

Why don't you tell me, Slumpy? Huh? Ugh.

Start already! - [Bleep]

you, d*ck! - Huh? - Oh! - Ah, ugh! Oh! Train kept a-rolling all night long ♪ Train kept a-rolling all night long ♪ You were right, son! Cool grass on a hot summer day! You're the best dad ever! I promise I will put you in a nicer home than that one.

- Duncan, train! - Yeah, kept a-rolling! No, train! Ten and two.

- Whoo! - Yeah! Well, get along ♪ Sweet little woman get along ♪ Ooh! Hit me.

- That B12's got a kick.

- Yeah, sneaks up on you.

It's Mia.

She wants to know if I'm up.

- Ugh, I hate being grounded.

- Hey, I blocked you once.

Go to Mia's.

I'll cover for you.

Thanks, Dad.

You rock! Okay, you're up! Slump over a little bit more.

Aww, my sweet boys.