02x08 - Crimes and Misters Demean Her

[bunniefuu]

Boo, boo, boo, boo Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! All right, assistant coach Dunker.

- Orange slices? - Yup.

- Juice boxes? - Yup.

- First aid kit? - Yup.

That's everything I forgot to bring.

Hmm.

All right, bring it in, Plungers! Good hustle, Henley! Ow! I have weak bones 'cause my mom is vegan.

Now remember our motto: W-I-N.

Winning Isn't Necessary! - That's good, cause we never do.

- That's the spirit, honey! Organized sports is all about fresh air and having fun.

Winning would be a mowale booster.

The least we can do is b*at the spread! My pop's got two bills on the game.

Relax, my kid says they're gonna bend it like, what's his name, Beckham! How ya ma's, good? Okay, g*ng, now get out there and give it whatever percent you feel comfortable with! Kimberly, shut your phone off.

This isn't baseball.

You can't look away for an hour and miss nothing.

Sorry, my witches' coven is electing a new high priestess.

It's between me and Samantha.

Her curses are just spells, but voters can be fooled by that! Wow, at your age I was wild about my roller skates.

- Is that the end of the story, Mom? - Yeah, pretty much.

Great illegal catch, Gigi! Great whistle, Ref! Great goal, opposing team! - Heck of a disappointed sigh, Jing.

- Ugh.

So, the coven's been texting, and you're unfit to hold the office of high priestess.

Yeah, and we know it was you who cast a water retention spell on Samantha because her ankles they look insane.

My socks don't fit anymore! You think I'm unfit for leadership? Let's hear you say that when you're strangled by your own hair at midnight! Gah! - Everything okay, honey? - I'll never be high priestess! Hex Claire! Hex everyone! Language! Well, I gotta get to work.

Are you gonna be okay home alone with none of your friends speaking to you and a drawer full of freshly sharpened knives? - Y-y-y-y-yes.

- Okie doke! There's Stouffer's in the freezer.

Hey, I know! Why don't you come to work with me? I.

Don't.

Need.

Your.

Pity.

Come on, it'll be fun! We've got a vending machine.

Famous Amos, and they're pummeled to crumbs.

You're just gonna keep talking like that - until I say yes, right? - Yes I am! Fine.

I'll go.

That's my okay, sorry.

You're, uh, probably wondering why I'm wearing a whistle.

To alert people if you get touched? My mom got the same one at her self-defense class.

I'm assistant coach of my sister's team, which means I get to be head coach if my dad dies.

Hey, that's great! Coach, can I talk to you? Of course, but don't call me coach.

Right now, I'm wearing my Daddy hat.

Figuratively.

I don't wear my actual Daddy hat anymore because it gave some men the wrong impression.

The team thinks maybe we'd win more, or once, if you were just a little tougher on us.

Yeah, wight a fwire under our butts! Sorry.

My dad was a yelling coach, and I do not want that for you.

Eye on the ball, Jackie! Look at me when I'm talking to you! - Strike! - What did I tell you?! Two conflicting things? You call that a parody of "The Natural"?! It's actually an homage! Don't tell me what an homage is! You call that running for your life?! But you won! Isn't that the whole idea of kids' sports? She gets it! It's all about humiliating your opponent.

And these thought bubbles make me look dead.

I live twenty minutes away! Come see me sometime.

- Okay.

- Not you.

- Her! The winner! - Hi, Grandpa! This is so exciting! You only know me as Home Mom.

You've never seen me as Work Mom.

It'll blow your mind.

It's just you with a stapler, right? It was not a red zone! It was a white zone! White because you painted it, scumbag.

Please, anybody, help! My partner got hit! It's bad! Not on my watch.

Do not die on me! You've still got parade routes to mark! Somebody better change street sweeping to Tuesdays, or I'll blow us all to hell! This dynamite is a hot dog! And this hot dog is dy-no-mite! - This is what you do at work?! - Not really.

It's a slow day.

I know I'm not supposed to say this, - but you're a friggin' badass.

- I'll allow it this once.

Who are those guys? Ooh, that's SPF: Special Parking Force.

We call them The Pad Boys.

They make the rules.

Except for themselves.

That's why they don't have any.

- Rules.

- I get it, Mom.

Annie! Shane! Fitz! Gutter! All right.

You got my d-nuts? You know I do, Shane! We'd do it ourselves, but you know they taste better when you plate them and wash the plate after.

Napkin me, A-Train.

They call me A-Train.

And they make up their own rules.

Hey, did you get my theory about fake handicap placards outside CrossFit gyms? Yeah, you're definitely onto something.

You want me to follow up? Nah, Fitz and Gutter will take care of it.

You know the deal, A-Train.

You set 'em up And you knock 'em down! And when we have beers with the mayor, we will be sure to drink a silent toast to you.

But we do have a special assignment for you.

I'm ready.

- Somebody has a birthday! - It's me.

I'm on it! Happy birthday Gutter! Unh! Guess who's proud? Your mutter! Unh! 'Cause she pushed you out! Unh! Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh! - Whoo! - Sugar Tickets! Okay, Henley.

If it gets too lonely in the goal, feel free to leave the net and join the rest of the team.

Make friends! Dad, we cannot lose this game! It's the other team's nap time! You're right.

Let's try to keep it down! - Dad, will you sign my history test? - Twenty-two percent? Duncan, do you know how little work you have to do to get a grade this low? Oh, that's the one answer I do know.

You know I don't like to yell, but your mom thinks school is important! I am so disappointed in you! Eyy foccacia! Coach is disappointed in us! I mean, I don't expect perfection, but you at least need to pass! You heard him, Bradley! Pass! I respond well to directness.

Start using that head of yours! Use my noodle? Don't mind if I do! You need to achieve your goals! Whoo! We tied! We tied! Thanks for yelling at us, Daddy! You're the best! Yelling at you? No.

I was mad at Duncan for failing a test.

I told you, I am not that kind of coach.

Quench your thirst, Mr.

Harris! On the other hand, having sticky Gatorade dumped down my back does feel good.

Bring it in, you little nose-pickers! Relax, they won't sh**t me if I'm surrounded by kids.

Ooh, a commercial loading zone infraction.

You came to work on a great day.

So, are we gonna talk about what happened at your office? Did something happen? You were dancing on a desk for your coworkers.

It was Gutter's birthday.

Did Gutter dance on a desk for your birthday? No, I danced on my own desk for my birthday.

You were such a badass when we walked in, but with those Pad Boys, you seemed like a kiss-ass.

Okay, I think we hit our max on asses for today.

That's just the way things are in an office, honey.

There's always people above you that you act a little differently around - or sometimes dance for.

- It's not just the dancing.

There were so many microaggressions.

Ya, I keep hearing that word, and it sounds adorable.

What is it? They're these little insults that, yeah, they could be jokes, but they're actually just ways to keep you down.

Oh, okay, like baby aggressions! Mom, stop trying to make it cute.

They make you arrange their doughnuts, they compliment your ideas, take them, and don't give you credit.

But they like me, and being liked is the ticket to the top.

Who would you rather be President? Tom Hanks or The Grinch? It's obvious you want me to say Tom Hanks.

The Grinch's heart is filled with unwashed socks.

Sweetie, I appreciate your concern, but trust me, I'm a valued part of this team.

Now, let's head to Macy's.

I gotta try on an anniversary gift for Shane's wife.

We're down by one, Duncan.

- Got something to rile me up? - Kick! Ooh, ow! What the hell was that?! You got anything else? Oh yeah, I've been cooking up something that's pretty clever.

Ooh, is that all you got?! - Go for the ball! - Huh huh.

Oh, no, no, no, wait! Ow! Good job! Oh Annie, thank God you're back! - I can't solve this thing! - What's the case, Shane? I'm trying to write an anniversary haiku for my wife! No problem! Okay.

Five, seven, five.

Here you go! You saved my marriage again! What? A woman can't be good at haiku? Heads up, everybody.

The Space Jammer is back! He left this cryptic note on my desk.

Who's the Space Jammer? Does nobody at home listen to my work stories? The Space Jammer is Oakdale's worst and only serial parking offender! He's tormented this department for years - by creating traffic nightmares.

- Oh, whoa.

You know, when the Jammer first started striking, I had some theories on who it could be, but I was new to the force and too nervous to show you guys.

That was a great instinct to say nothing, Annie.

Women's intuition at its finest.

Yeah, this case is total Pad Boys turf.

But there is a way you can help.

Fill in for me at my anniversary dinner - with my wife.

- Again? But we've run out of things to talk about.

Okay, okay, I'm starting to see it! So, are you kids ready for the big game? Mama! As long as you keep losing it, we can't lose! Proud of you, son.

Couldn't have screamed at those kids better myself.

No, I'm not like you.

I'm motivating them.

Oh sure, it starts out as motivation.

Next thing you know, you're being dragged out of Applebee's for throwing ribs on the floor.

C'mon, son.

Give in to the full-blown Harris rage.

Light beer?! You pansy! I'm not like you! I will never have Harris rage! Never! Ahh! Jeez, Mr.

H.

, whatchu think this is, Applebee's? You know I have to drag you out now, right? Of course.

You're strong.

You haven't taken one bite of food, Mom.

And you haven't said anything about how I look in the dress you picked out for me.

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Sandra.

You look radiant, and I'm sure Shane would say the same.

I can't believe you still came.

Don't you know how messed up this is? I know, but I can't ditch Sandra on their anniversary.

- She would be devastated.

- You seem distracted, Annie.

Normally, at our anniversary dinners you're so attentive.

How many years have you guys been doing this? - Eight.

- Eight.

I knew being the wife of a Pad Boy would be tough, but I never thought I'd be trapped in a dead-end marriage eating tortellini with my husband's coworker.

And I'm tired of being micro-aggressed.

I should be on that Space Jammer case.

Shane treats you both terribly, and he's not even that hot.

You two need to take control of your lives.

Break the power structure.

Mom, you can solve that case.

And Sandra, you can find a better guy.

Look at you, you're radiant! You know, when your face isn't buried in your phone, you're a pretty insightful young woman.

Thanks, Mom.

And you and Sandra are two beautiful cautionary tales.

You know what? I'm gonna get the respect I deserve by bringing the Space Jammer to justice! And I'm never dancing on a desk again! And I'm never dressing Shane like a baby and pretending to breast-feed him again! Okay, Kimberly.

You've inspired us.

- Time to go.

- Oh.

Nice meeting you! Sorry about your life! Okay, bye! Okay, I pulled out my old file on the Space Jammer.

Oh, and we caught that rat! Oh my God.

These are clearly the scrawls of a psycho.

Oops, that's Duncan's self-portrait.

Because the Space Jammer seems to know so much about parking enforcement protocols, my theory was it had to be a once-gruntled, now disgruntled, employee.

Either that or oh wait, the rat ate my other theory.

He's never called me directly before! Riddle me something, Jammer.

I'm white and black and go round and round.

The green grass is where I'm found.

Oh, I wanna say it's the panda at the zoo, but I know that's not it! - Is it? - We're not getting it.

Riddle us another one, Jammie.

Okay, but this one isn't as good.

What has 22 little legs, orange slices, and a couple of goals? Oh! I wanna say it's a giant centipede at the zoo, - but I know that's not it! Is it? - Get off the zoo, Mom! He hung up.

Okay, we got legs, goals, slices, black, white and grass.

Soccer! He's gonna strike at the Oakdale Kids' Soccer Tournament.

It'll be packed with cars and minivans.

It's a Space Jammer's wet dream.

Ewww! Mooom! And Jack, Duncan and Jing are at the field! - This wet dream just got personal! - Mom!!! Without your dad yelling, I've lost my k*ller instinct.

Come on, Duncan! Get him going! I'm trying! Oof! Uh! I'm laying into your nuts! What's wrong with you?! I'm not my father.

And I'm wearing a cup.

What happened to Mad Daddy?! Yeah, you promised to treat us like crap.

What's more important? Your father's sanity, or winning a trophy? We get trophies?! Aw, come on! Make with the rage! thr*aten us, Daddy! thr*aten us! thr*aten us! I told you that's not the kind of coach I am! - thr*at-en us! thr*at-en us! - Stop it, kids! He's yelling.

Look at my foot! It's kicking! Hey, my leg's goin' all scungilli over here! - What the heck's going on? - Children are like dogs.

We don't respond to words, we respond to tone.

So I can scream at them, but in my own loving, supportive way? - Yeah, but just to be safe - Stop kicking me! It's a kid's cup and I've got some overflow! Okay, kids.

Get ready for ENCOURAGEMENT!!! Okay, what are we looking for, Mom? Somebody that looks crazy, unhinged, psychotic.

Got one! Two clicks to your left.

You're a winner, Joey! Save your dad's kneecaps! Yes.

Your father's a needy wreck, not psychotic.

There's only one minute left in the game.

If Jammer's gonna pull something, it's gonna happen soon.

Come on, show yourself, you son of a bitch.

Mommy! I just scored! Oh, that's great, sweetie! Who's my little superstar?! Where were we, you son of a bitch? You can be anything you wanna be, Jing! You've got the heart of a lion, Bradley! Henley, look at you working those brittle vegan bones! We won! Trophies! Coach Daddy! Coach Daddy! Winner, winner, eggplant parm dinner.

I'm gonna bathe in you tonight.

I love being small.

Everything's moving normally.

Guess I was wrong.

Maybe it is the zoo.

Is it? - No! - Huh.

Everyone's suddenly stopped, but I don't smell a charred body.

Let's see if this does anything.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

It's happening! The Space Jammer has struck for the eighth year in a row.

Ugh, we're trapped.

It's a dead end.

Cool, a boob! Aw, wait, there's a baby on it.

- Food boob.

- It's called breastfeeding.

Ugh! You make everything boring.

- Mom, the Pad Boys are here! - What do you see, Shane? The traffic's all folding in on itself.

I might be hungry, but it looks like tortellini.

Tortellini Eight years dead end tortellini breastfeeding Me want food boob.

The Space Jammer's not a he, it's a she! - A radiant, unhappily married she! - Sandra's the Space Jammer? And she's doing computer b*mb stuff! Sandra, don't do it! - You're too late, Annie! - Noooo! Whoa.

Annie, how are you gonna break it to my parents? You did the right thing dumping Shane, but you did the wrong thing messing with parking.

I'm afraid you're looking at community service for at least the next two Saturdays.

Never! Happy anniversary, baby! Okay, bye! Oh my God, I have a nemesis! And what a kiss! That's right, losers, my mom solved the crime you couldn't.

And she doesn't need your validation to be happy.

Wait, let's see what they have to say.

- I mean, we're here.

- Annie, how'd you like to be a Pad Boy? I've waited so long to hear those words, Gutter, but you know what? I'll take it.

But you have terms, right, Mom? Hell yeah, I do.

What are they, Kimberly? Arrange your own doughnuts, buy your own gifts, and she only dances when she damn well feels like it.

You know what, Kimberly? I'm feeling like it.

Come on, empowerment dance! Respect! Michelle Obama! Come on, you dumb baby! Move your head! Sorry we accused you of using witchcraft for evil.

Yeah, turns out the water retention was from me eating a whole mess of salty pork rinds.

- I love you guys.

- Aw, Kimberly Kimberly! You forgot to recant your hair-strangling spell! Oh, yeah! But first, let's take a quick vote for high priestess.

Who votes for me? Unanimous!