02x09 - Stan in the Place Where You Live

[bunniefuu]

Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Jack, hoist me.

We got to get into the attic to get Jing's Abraham Lincoln hat.

Out attic is filled with fast-moving spiders and that chair that rocks on its own.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Everybody, pull! [all grunt]

Harder! [all grunting]

Ugh.

Imhotep.

Okay, I got it open, so somebody else has to go up and get the Abraham Lincoln hat for Jing's school play.

ALL: Not it! - Not it! - No! This is so unfair.

I went up for the Christmas angel.

And I'm not sure I ever came down.

Come play with me, Jack.

Well, somebody's got to go up there.

ALL: Not it! Not it! No! Jack, it's been on your honey-do list forever.

And I immediately put it on their kiddie-do list.

And we put it on our Christmas list, so, technically, this is Santa's fault.

I do everything for this family, and all you do is blame Santa.

Never mind.

I'll just be Mary Todd.

Do you have a straitjacket? Hurry up, Duncan.

You're gonna be late for school.

Dunkie, I got you a PSAT study book.

Ugh! Mom, Dad, after much thought and soul searching, I have decided not to take the PSAT.

I will not be taking questions at this time.

Like Hellmann's mayonnaise you're not! You are taking that test so you can go to a good college and then get a job so you can pay for that college for the rest of your life.

College is stupid.

Lots of famous people did not go to college, like Beyoncé, Steve Jobs, Phil Spector? Ah, Phil.

The master of the Wall of Sound - and m*rder.

- Jack, I need your opinion here.

Tell Duncan to do what I say.

Maybe he'll work on a crab boat or in a factory canning crab.

Either way, his crab future's bright.

Happy sailing, Dunker! Dunkie, you would be the first one in our family to go to college.

I never went.

My no-good brother Stan never went.

I just want the best for you and to rub it in to my uneducated family's face.

Fine, I'll take the test, but I'm not reading the questions.

And on break, I'm crapping in the teacher's toilet.

That's all I wanted to hear.

I'm even gonna mark it on the family calendar nobody uses.

We have a family calendar? - How come nobody told me? - Because you'll clog it up with the birthdays of everyone in the E Street Band.

[gasps]

Today's Little Stevie! Hello, 1-800-FLOWERS? Duncan, you excited for the PSAT? No.

If I wanted someone to tell me I'm stupid on a Saturday, I would just hang out with my sister.

I take issue with the word "stupid," Duncan.

It's pejorative.

Pejorative, a word expressing contempt or disapproval.

Hell, yeah, I'm so ready for this PSAT.

Why does everybody care about college? If I want to learn, I'll go to YouTube.

If it's not there, it's not worth knowing.

I can't wait to get into college 'cause I'm gonna drop out just like Kanye.

I'm taking the test because it might snow on Saturday and I want to be indoors.

Yeah, Duncan, don't you want to pre-prepare for your future? I don't need college.

I'm gonna get famous for eating the most hot dogs in under five minutes without dunking the buns in water first.

- No college, huh? - Wouldn't even let me on the tour.

Wait a second.

Aren't you the guy that ate a wheelbarrow full of hot dogs without dunking the buns in water? In under five minutes.

In that case, welcome to the Men in Black.

Whoa! - I'm not wearing a suit, though.

- That's fine.

You know Men in Black isn't a real job.

Oh, that's what they want you to think.

- Right, Mr.

Mitch? - "Men in Black" isn't real.

But "Men in Black 2" very much is.

Now go study so you don't end up an adult drinking bagged milk on your lunch break.

Dunkie, I put together a PSAT care package for you.

It's got espresso beans to keep you awake, two pencils one to write with, one to chew on and a whole bunch of prenatal vitamins I was supposed to take when I was pregnant with you.

You're wasting your time, Mom.

I'm not good at knowing things.

I'm a - Idiot? - Thank you.

No, honey.

You just have a different way of thinking because your fontanelles never closed.

[groans]

Me no want test take.

Too bad.

Now, let's go before anything can ruin my dreams for you.

- Stan? - Hey, sis.

What's up? I told you to never come back after you sold my wedding cake to the couple in the banquet hall next door.

How else was I supposed to afford a gift? Hey, do you mind if I lay low until some douches I sold fake Coachella tickets to stop looking for me? If I miss Cardi B's hologram, I'm kicking your ass! And as a thank-you, I brought doughnuts.

No doubt one of your flimflams.

Probably filled with ill-gotten jelly, pilfered cream, and glazed with the tears of the innocent.

Hmm, I think they're assorted.

- Who are you? - Hey, you're new.

I'm Uncle Stan.

As in "Don't wind up like Uncle Stan"? Yeah.

Only an idiot would be impressed by this con man.

- Is that your van? Cool.

- Yep.

Used to carry old people to church, but they left their keys in it.

Classic Stan.

Good to see you, buddy.

I'd give you a hug, but you'd pickpocket me.

I'm sorry, Stan, but we have a very busy schedule, and Duncan has to get to his test.

Oh, crap.

Now I'm running late for work.

- Jack, you take Duncan.

- No can do.

Going to Pipe-Con.

They're debuting a new kind of pipe.

- Don't wait up! - I could drive Duncan.

No! You'll corrupt him with your pool halls, pitching pennies, and stealing pies off old ladies' windowsills.

Mmm.

Annie, relax.

I'll take him straight to school.

I won't stop for anything, not even lights.

Okay.

Come on, Duncan.

Let's haul ass.

[gasps]

Dive! [tires squealing]

This van is so cool.

You got carpeting on the ceiling, a floor hole so you can see the street, and is that bucket in the corner what I think it's for? Collecting seashells? You bet ya.

You want to see something really cool? No way! Are these Uh-Oh Oreos? With the wrong frosting on the inside? Yep.

But they stopped making 'em in 2009.

They were driving kids' brains crazy.

- Can I have one? - Yeah, sure.

Have the whole box.

Are those sh*t glasses from all the places you've been? Yep.

Every Margaritaville in the United States.

Even Indianapolis? Worst food poisoning of my life.

Here we are Croakdale High School, where dreams go to die.

I wish I didn't have to take this stupid PSAT.

I hear you, man I didn't take it, and I've turned out great.

[van door closes]

What are you gonna do while I'm in there? Probably win money at cards or trick a water park into thinking they gave me pink eye.

Or I might just stay here and rock out to some tunes.

I don't know.

Good luck.

Duncan, I saved you a seat under the blinking fluorescent light.

Hey, they just said the test is untimed, so we're gonna be here late! Cool, more heat for me.

Bad news the teacher's bathroom is locked, so we can't crap in it.

All right, students, take your seats.

It's very dry in here, so while you're taking your test, I'll be coughing and nose-whistling all day.

[imitates rock music playing]

[nose whistling]

[continues imitating rock music playing]

[nose continues whistling]

Let's go.

I'm skipping the test! Hey, I hope all the cool things I showed you about my life - didn't influence your decision.

- Absolutely it did.

Right on! Warm Pepsi? [tires squealing]

Goodbye, future! So what are you in the mood for? Taco truck? Crab legs truck? Tex-Mex Mex-Tex truck? Oh, my mom doesn't let me eat at food trucks.

She calls 'em curb pirates.

Well, your mom's not here, is she? - Duncan, she's not here.

- Number 46! Well, it took you long enough! [laughs]

It's funny 'cause the food was for his family.

You're the best, Uncle Stan.

I wish we were related.

We are.

I'm your uncle.

Oh, I thought that was your first name.

Yeah, it's probably best you didn't take that test.

- Hey, open fontanelles, huh? - Mmm, me like taco.

Now you do me.

Family it runs in.

That was an awesome day, Uncle Stan! First, I find out we're brothers.

No, I'm your mother's brother.

[laughs]

You're gonna have to draw it for me.

Come on, let's go in.

I'll show you my old crutches from when I did that backflip.

Now, that sounds sick, but first I got to lay on my back and throw a tennis ball in the air.

Bloop, bloop Ah, I can't believe you're unemployable.

[all cheer]

- What's going on? - You took a practice test! I'm so proud, I even wrote a rap about it.

Beatbox me, Jack.

My name is Annie, and I'm here to say ♪ I love my son in every way, yeah ♪ - Spit that nasty stuff! - Mm.

How did you do on the test, Duncan? Uh, I got 100.

- It goes to 1,600, ass brain.

- Fine, I got that, then.

[doorbell rings]

Mr.

Mitch.

You're just in time to help us celebrate Duncan.

We're breaking out the Martinelli's! You're celebrating him blowing off his PSAT? Mm, mm, mm, I've never been more disappointed as a teacher.

I even wrote a rap about it.

[beatboxing]

Hey, hey, nobody wants to hear a teacher rap.

All right, all right, I didn't take my test.

- Who cares? - Duncan! What kind of future are you gonna have without college? Do you want to wind up like Stan? What's your problem with Uncle Stan? He's got a better life than you.

He doesn't have to come home and drink an entire bottle of white wine to pretend his life doesn't suck.

I just like my after-work Chardonnay.

And he doesn't have to soak in a bubble bath for an hour before I can even talk to him.

Lavender calms me down! If you think Uncle Stan's got such a great life, - maybe you should live with Uncle Stan.

- Maybe I should.

Oh, well, there's the door.

- You want to go, go.

- Oh, well, I'll go, then.

I don't see you going.

Go! Oh, I'm going.

Here I go.

instead of BS'ing me ♪ You should've been taking that PSAT ♪ Yeah ♪ What'd you think of the hook? [Duncan panting]

♪ [all gasp]

Annie, there has to be a better way to handle this.

No.

My parents never drew the line for Stan, and look how he turned out.

We got to nip this in the bud.

[tires squealing]

So is anyone gonna give me feedback on my rap? [slurps, smacks lips]

Wow, she kicked him out just like that.

If she did that to her firstborn, who's next? I mean, we don't do crap around here, and we blame Santa way too much.

You know what? We've got to do something so great for her that she'll let us live here for years to come.

I know! We'll cook her an amazing meal! Uh, why did you need us here for this? I don't know.

I thought we'd be kicking some things around, but I hit a groove, and we're good.

Is it bad that's his second bottle? Wow, ice cream for dinner.

This is the life.

Just one of the perks of no one caring about you.

And you didn't even have to pay for it.

People love supporting the m*llitary.

- You were in the m*llitary? - No, but people love 'em.

- Can I be fake FBI? - You can be fake FBI, fake CIA, any fake thing you want.

Thanks for believing in me, Uncle Stan.

Don't thank me.

Thank the laminate machine.

It's getting dark.

Where are we staying tonight? What do you mean? We sleep in the van.

Can't we just scam a hotel? I'll be Ambassador Tricia Wong.

Sorry, I've been blackballed at every hotel in a 60-mile radius.

Plus, van sleep is good sleep.

And we're right over the exhaust pipe, so you're gonna have some pretty far-out dreams.

Oh, I thought your life is all fun.

It is, a lot of the time, but once in a while, you have to sleep in a cold van on a dangerous street.

[g*nsh*t, dog barking]

What a world.

Even the dogs are sh**ting each other.

Well, good night.

Don't toss my body if I freeze.

What? What are you even talking about? The cold months are brutal.

That's why I slow my heart down to one b*at a minute.

And I'm gone.

[exhales deeply]

[shivering]

[dog barking, g*nf*re, tires squealing]

[shudders]

[shivers]

Duncan come crawling home yet and realize I was right about everything and not to betray me again? Not yet.

But in the meantime ALL: Ta-da! It's luau pig, your favorite.

Aw, you guys did all this because I was upset? That is so thoughtful.

It was my idea! I did everything! They just said "ta-da"! Please don't throw us out! You think I'd throw you all out like I did Duncan? ALL: Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

So how is it? Forgivably good? [all sigh with relief]

[all gasp]

There is no pleasing that lady! We put carrots in that salad! I'm not sure we can get better than that.

We can do this.

We just need a bigger gesture.

What's something that annoys her even more than us? She really wants that attic cleaned.

- Not it? - That's not how "not it" works, mister.

- Where are we? - The mecca of disposable income a farmers' market in a good neighborhood.

Listen, you eat, like, every day, so we need cash.

We just got to come up with a good gimmick that someone else isn't doing.

[purring]

God is good.

God is good.

Lots of competition.

All right.

We're gonna have to take our scams to the next level.

- What are you doing? - Whenever life gets tough, I immediately play games on my phone.

Ugh, it wants to know if I'm a robot.

- You're not.

- Oh, thank God.

I need to ask a sensitive question, and I'll be as gentle as I can.

You're kind of a dummy, ain't you? Oh, yes, sir.

You'd be amazed at what I don't know.

Duncan, how do you feel about duping chumps? - I've never had them.

Is it spicy? - You're gonna do just fine.

Step right up.

Be amazed at what a teen in the First World doesn't know.

No question too easy.

Oh, thank you.

All right, mayor coming through, showing she shops just like you do relatable.

- Get out of my way.

- Ask my nitwit nephew anything.

If he knows it, you win.

Piece of cake.

I got one any idiot would know.

Who was the first president? Oh, I know this! Uh, he's a guy.

He's as old as hell.

Uh, George Jetson.

See, he honestly believes that's the answer.

Amazing.

I got to stop funding these schools.

All right, I'll bite.

[grumbling creepily]

Oh, good one, Jensen.

How many continents are there? Hmm, A-E-I-O-U, and sometimes Y.

Three.

Wow! He thinks continents are consonants, and he thinks consonants are vowels.

[laughter]

Holy cannoli! This guy's boom-batz! Hey, Red, say something else dumb! [laughter]

Hey, Uncle Stan, am I gonna be a farmers' market freak - for the rest of my life? - Yeah, but don't worry.

Van people don't live very long.

[coughing]

Ugh, I think my future sucks.

[bell dings]

- Who's Marvin? - I have no idea.

ALL: Don't worry ♪ Be happy ♪ Well, I'm out.

I know this is the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your life, but we have to make your mother happy.

Let's start cleaning.

Okay, but just to play it safe Evil attic spirits, by the light of my sage I banish you to the neighbor's house! You have no power here! [all scream]

Die! Die! Die! Jing, it's over.

He's dead.

[slowly]

Water.

[both scream]

Great, now I got to deal with Marvin's stuff.

Who were you? 38, 39, 40.

Duncan, we made our whole month.

I'm gonna go buy some patchouli oil from that woman over there with no bra on.

Duncan, there you are.

Told you he wasn't dead.

Am I trippin', or is that guy over there just a head? - Just a head.

God is good.

- Wonderful attitude.

We missed you at the PSAT.

Yeah, and you missed my rap about shading in the whole bubble.

- Nope, you didn't.

- Oh, yeah, well, I, uh, skipped the test, and I'm really happy I did, too.

Living on the road is so much cooler than having to deal with school.

Why is that lie lightbulb flashing? Oh, I'm just scamming chumps with my uncle.

- [bell dings]

- Scam? This is a farmers' market, not a swap meet.

Duncan, don't say that out loud.

- You're screwing up our scam.

- [all gasp]

Ah, great.

Look, now I've done it.

- Rip-off! - Quick, Duncan, get to the van.

[crowd clamoring]

Where are my keys? Looking for these? - What are we gonna do? - Just be cool.

[exhales deeply]

I got him! Mayor Jen, tough on crime! Honey, are you ready to love us unconditionally? [cell phone chimes]

[party horn blows]

Duncan needs me! Duncan made his choice.

We like living here.

- Turn around.

- No time.

Got to go! [laughs evilly]

You know, it really does look nicer in here.

- Yeah.

- Uh-huh.

Very nice.

Ooh, why are you so strong? We are a civil democracy.

Now, how should we k*ll him? Draw and quarter his ass.

- Make him live my life! - Cut off his head and give his body to someone who deserves it.

[tires screeching]

[grunting]

Mommy, protect me! I'm so sorry.

I don't want to turn out like Uncle Stan.

I swear if I could do it over, I'd take that stupid test.

- You really mean that? - Yeah, I swear.

I'd take it right now if you could make 'em stop.

And cut! - Great job, everybody.

Whoo! - And that's a wrap on Operation: Duncan's Dumb Decision.

What? When you said you didn't want to go to college, I needed to show you what life with no future looked like.

The best example of that was your Uncle Stan.

So she texted me on my prepaid cell phone, and I figured I owed her for that subprime-mortgage thing I got them into.

And if I could help you not wind up like me, maybe I won't go to hell.

- I said "maybe.

" - When did you call him? Remember when I pretended to add your test to the family calendar? - No.

- Well, whatever.

That's when I did it.

Wait, but I already missed the PSAT.

Au contraire, the test hasn't happened.

It's next week.

But all those kids were sitting in the classroom.

Listen, we can answer questions all day.

- Bottom line is we were all in on it.

- Everybody? We just want the best for you, Duncan.

Because we're a community, a community that's one dropout away from being named Travel Channel's dumbest town in America.

Not everybody was in on it.

Annie, how could you not tell your own family? - Actually, Dad, Jing and I knew.

- I'm an actress.

So the only one who didn't know was me? Oh, come on, Jack, you know you would've blabbed, and I needed you to clean that dang attic.

- You scammed me! - What can I say? - It's in my blood.

- Wow, Mom.

You turned the whole town against me for me? Oh, honey, I would turn the whole world against you if that's what it took.

- You weren't part of this, Daddy.

- I know.

So there's a hole in your skull - where I can touch your brain? - Sure, give it a sh*t.

It's what the doctor said not to do.

Get in there.

Scramble it up.

Fun are brain holes.

- I want to try! - Then me! Your brother's unfused skull is not a toy! It's not fair! Kimberly got to do it! - I no mind.

- See? He no mind.

Fine.

Everybody.

I love family.