02x08 - No Friends

[bunniefuu]

KEELEY: Things do change, you know? I don't want to get all Buddhist in your grill, but they do.

It's been our whole thing since we met.

You know, we're together sexually.

- That means f*cking.

- No, I know.

But we're also best friends.

You know, everyone always says what amazing friends we are, but since - The incident.

- It's been different.

And I hate it, because I think I actually preferred the friendship bit to the f*cking bit.

Oh! My God, maybe it's just gone.

Maybe it's all just gone forever, and you and I are best friends now.

Piss off.

You're about fifth in line, mate.

f*ck you.

[GROANS]

[STEADY MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

- Hey, Paul.

- Hmm? Look, is that a wig, do you reckon, that bloke? Uh, yeah, might be.

I don't know.

I mean, guys get self-conscious about their hair loss, um - Want a drink? - Sure.

- Oh, wig, wig.

There.

- Oh.

f*ck me.

That is a big old wig.

Jesus Christ.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, hang on.

Him there dogger.

Doggy McDogson plain as f*cking day.

Wow.

Look at him.

You dirty old sod.

Friday night in a lay-by with a saveloy, and I've got my Smirnoff.

Speak of the Smirnoff, look at this woman there.

- Alky, do you reckon? - I do reckon, yeah.

Big drinker with a lived-in face.

Yeah, lived in by lots of tiny alkies.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Like in that Pixar film, but instead of emotions, they're all alkies.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, man.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We're very judgmental, aren't we? Yeah, but only because all these f*ckers need judging.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So why didn't Luke want to come to this thing, again? I don't know.

He just wasn't up for it.

So what's he doing instead? Sat on his own in the dark staring at a screen like some f*cking bear? [INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

God, I really wish he had a proper mate, you know, like Ava's got Grace.

- Yeah.

- [SIGHS]

He's such a f*cking loner.

JACOB: Yeah, you have to, seriously.

- It's the best book ever written.

- Sounds brilliant.

It's a novel, but it's also real it happened.

And the characters, they represent the real guys Kerouac, Ginsberg, and Burroughs.

Kerouac wrote the whole thing in, like, three weeks.

f*ck, amazing.

I know, and on a typewriter, no computers back then.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- I read those Bukowski poems.

- Oh, yeah, what did you think? Amazing, really amazing.

I thought poetry was crap, but Yeah, that's 'cause most of it is crap, but Bukowski, he's a legend.

Do you want to come back to mine? We could just hang out.

I could make some cheese toasties.

You don't have to if you don't want to sh*t idea.

No, no, no, I'd love to come back.

I never say no to a toastie.

[CHUCKLES]

Did the b*at poets have cheese toasties? They'd have called it "grilled cheese.

" That's American for toastie.

Grilled cheese.

JACKIE: I'm not crying.

Mm, you are, though.

If your mother says she's not crying, then she's not crying.

Thanks, Jim.

I've just got hay fever or something.

Nasal polyps.

I know you're not crying, Jackie, but if you were crying, it would be totally understandable.

Decades we've been in that house, Ally Since Bobby Darin d*ed.

He wasn't the previous tenant, was he? No.

I just remember he d*ed the day before - we moved in.

- Mm-hmm.

Heart trouble.

He was only 37.

His real name was Walden Robert Casotto.

Italian.

Yeah, um, Bobby Darin aside, though, for a second, weren't you two thinking of moving anyway a few weeks ago? Yes, but we decided not to.

And it was our choice.

This is like being evicted, slung out by the housing association.

The amount of rent we've paid those bastards over the years.

Ooh, it makes my blood boil.

We've got too many bedrooms for just the two of us, so they say.

So they're making us downsize.

I suppose it's fair.

It's not f*cking fair! It's an outrage.

With all these university twats in charge, think people like us are worthless, sh*t on their shoes, making us leave our home, our friends.

What friends? Well, next door The youngsters.

What? The shared house? Aren't they a bunch of self-absorbed yuppie scum.

I thought they would be, but it turns out they're very nice.

They help us with the DIY and gardening, like we used to help Bob and Lynn.

They're good friends.

And we've not got many of them left, like you, Paul.

f*ck off.

I've still got loads of friends.

If you stop having friends, you die.

Now, that's a fact.

It's why women live longer.

They hang on to the close friendships from childhood.

Blokes don't, so we drop dead.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Well, thank you, Doctor.

So are you gonna need help clearing out the house? - Yes, but not from you.

- Oh, okay.

Cheers.

Your dad just means you'll be too sentimental and want to keep stuff.

We need to clear so many things out.

We won't have room for all your old toys and whatnot.

So I've asked the guys next door to help out.

- [SCOFFS]

- They're neutral.

They don't have the same attachment to, you know My precious childhood keepsakes? - Exactly.

- Yeah.

I can help, too, Jackie.

I'm not sentimental.

I'm a terrible, hard-nosed bitch.

JIM: No, you're not.

You've got a lovely little nose.

[KIDS GIGGLING]

Smell it.

Look at these little shits.

- Hiya! - Hi, Darren! - Happy birthday.

- Thanks.

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you love me at BBQ.

- I do love me also a BBQ.

- Right.

Shall we speak English? It seems simpler.

A barbecue's like a digital picnic, isn't it? It's modern.

Zoe, Caitlin, maybe think about not doing that.

- God, they're a handful.

- Aren't they just.

I mean, their mum has more control over them than me.

- I tend to spoil them.

- How is Karen? - I could not give a f*ck.

- Right.

Glad you guys could make it, though.

You don't get out much these days, do you? Yes, we f*cking do, Darren.

We go out all the time.

- Better keep moving.

- Like a shark.

[CHUCKLES]

- Mingling shark.

- [CHUCKLES]

This sh*t about me not having friends, it pisses me off, to be honest.

- We've got friends.

- Yes.

No, yeah.

I suppose these days I sort of have the friends, and you kind of know their partners to nod at and ask if they like Ian Dury.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Okay.

If we got divorced and then - Right.

- Bear with me.

And each of us had a party on the same night, then which party do you think the majority of our friends would go to? - I mean, can you name - Dean Andrews.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, you and Dean were massive mates, but you haven't seen him for, like, six years.

No, he's there.

There he is, Dean Andrews.

Dean.

Paul.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

DEAN: Hello.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Great.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

Stay where the memories were, you know? So sorry, mate.

I had no idea.

I was in such a weird place.

I wasn't sure who I told, who I hadn't.

There was just months of darkness, really.

Poor bloke.

Ah, the years went on.

This one here, though She started to look after me, eh? - I didn't.

- Yes, you did.

We looked after each other.

- So are you back in the area? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Got a great gig management consultancy at Goodwins'.

- Nice one.

- Decent wage as well.

And Chloe's going to What school are you going to, lovely? - King's Manor.

- What? Oh, Ava goes there, so does her best mate, Grace.

You'll love it there, Chloe.

I'm really looking forward to it.

- There we go.

- Do you like Victorian workhouses? Don't listen to him.

Don't listen to him.

'Cause if that's your bag, we're in.

I've forgotten how much I like Dean.

We were actually really close.

Shall we have him round soon for a meal? Yeah, sure, if you like.

Great.

Hey, are you gonna stay for your tea tonight, Grace? - Only if it's no trouble.

- Ah, it's no trouble.

Practically live at our house anyway, don't you? You bleeding sponger.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

- Hey, Luke! We're home.

PAUL: Hey, mate.

Oh, hello.

This is, uh, Jacob.

- Hi, Jacob.

- Hi, Paul.

How are you? Yeah, I'm good.

Thanks.

And how's work treating you? It's, um, well, yeah, treating me well.

Great.

Glad to hear it.

And how about you, Ally? Forgive me.

It is Ally, isn't it? Yes.

Y-yes, it is It is Ally.

I'm fine, too.

Thank you, Jacob.

Yourself? Yeah, you know, mustn't grumble.

- Can we get you anything or - Got a black coffee.

- Thanks.

- Oh, great.

- You gonna stay for some food? - Oh, thanks, Paul.

But I really should be heading off soon.

I appreciate the offer, though, very much.

All right.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

- Wow.

- Yep.

Right.

Good.

AVA: I've seen pictures.

It looks amazing.

GRACE: My nan's friend owns it.

And she lets us stay there for a week every year for free.

Devon is lovely.

Can I go if Grace's mum and dad say it's okay? - Can I go on holiday with them? - Well, I guess so.

It's a really tiny cottage, so you all have to really get on well with each other, but Ava is my absolute best friend, so that's all fine.

Can we get down from the table? It's only half an hour till Grace's mum comes.

It's your turn to do the dishwasher.

- I'll do it.

Don't worry.

- Thanks, Lukey.

Thanks for tea.

- You're welcome.

- Pleasure.

- That was a kind thing to do.

- I'm in a good mood.

- Jacob seems nice.

- Oh, he's brilliant.

He knows so much, and he's into cool stuff, not idiot, trendy cool stuff, proper cool stuff, like Bob Dylan, - René Magritte, The Clash.

- Oh, wow.

- René Magritte is a painter.

- No, I did know that.

Jacob is one of the most amazing people I've ever met.

He's a genius, I reckon.

Yeah, he does seem very bright.

He's cleverer than the teachers.

- That's why he gets in trouble.

- What sort of trouble? Just trouble for doing nothing, really.

Yeah, right.

Dean, don't worry about that, mate.

What? It's no problem.

It's the least I can do, especially after that meal.

Paul's got a very strict dishwasher system.

Uh, no, no, it's just Dean is a guest, so he shouldn't be loading the dishwasher, that's all.

Though, yes, I do have a system.

And you are undermining it at every single stage.

Rinse the f*cking plates, you tramp! Rinse them.

Get to the sink.

[LAUGHTER]

Um, I'm gonna go up.

No, no, no, no, Ally, love, come on! Just one more drink.

- The night is young.

- No, Dean, love.

The night is old.

It's half past 1:00.

f*ck off, is it? - Yes.

- Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Sorry.

This is your fault.

Bellend.

Hey.

Hey, Ally.

You okay? It's just really late.

Hmm.

You're not jealous of Dean? Jealous, what? You just seem really off with him? No, we're off with each other, Paul, you and me.

- Cheers, big ears.

- Cheers, mate! - So are you up for it? - Yeah, why not? - Sounds good.

- Let us do it.

Let's go to a gig, like, a proper, sweaty, uncomfortable, need a piss, eardrum-bursting gig.

It's been so long since I went to a gig, - unless you count Joseph.

- Joseph? Don't know him.

Sorry, Ava's school production of "Joseph.

" That's not a gig.

- Are you sure? - Definitely.

There was a little fella with a bass guitar.

- Uh-uh.

- To me, that's a gig.

No.

Oh, look at them, getting on well, aren't they? Yeah, house on fire.

I am so glad that Chloe - settled in at school.

- Mm.

- Being the new girl is tough.

You know? - Yeah.

And Ava has just been brilliant.

Good.

Good.

So, listen, what's this band like, then? Well, so they're a bit punky, bit mod-y, it's ska-y.

Lovely.

So will we be the oldest people there? Age is a state of mind, but, yes, by about 25 years.

- [LAUGHTER]

- All right, f*ck, let's do it.

- Like the good old days.

- BOTH: Yes.

We should have a nice meal somewhere beforehand, though.

Oh, God, yeah, we're not cavemen.

I should say not.

JIM: Just fill it up.

Come on.

Mm.

You've obviously got rid of a lot of stuff already.

Loads.

It feels good in a way, letting go of the past.

If we're being forced into a new beginning, then we should make the most of it.

Our friends next door have been very helpful.

They sold a lot of our old vinyl records for us.

Really? Well, there would've been some very valuable stuff there Those original Sinatra albums.

I know you had some early Beatles EPs.

Isaac got a fair price for them.

And we gave him 10% for his trouble.

And we don't listen to vinyl anymore.

- Jim's got his eye patch.

- Pad, iPad.

And that's got all the music in the world on it and more.

But wouldn't some of those records have been Paul's, though, like, from the '80s? He hasn't needed them for 35 years, so he can get by without them now.

Nadia next door says we need to ask, "Does this object bring me joy?" And most of them don't.

My Kodak brownie f*ck it.

It's just a bit of old bakelite.

They can go for high prices.

The guys next door sell them for us online.

Don't worry.

They're not diddling us.

[GIGGLES]

Jim.

I mean, diddling as in conning us, not sexually interfering with us.

Chance would be a fine thing.

That Isaac has got lovely eyes.

Yes, to be fair, he has got lovely eyes, very long, dark lashes.

Right.

Got a good body on him, too Strong arms.

[SMACKS LIPS]

Uh, anyway [STEADY MUSIC]

Oh, hi, guys.

I thought you're going to Westfield.

We still could.

We decided against it, didn't we, Ava? Yeah.

We're having a good time here, just the two of us.

Okay.

Great.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- LUKE: I'll get it.

- Okay.

- All right.

- Hi, Luke.

- Hi, Jacob.

- JACOB: Oh, hi, Ally.

Hmm, is that basil I can smell? Oh, yes.

Yeah, I made a tomato - and basil soup for later, yeah.

- Hmm, brilliant.

Smells wonderful very Italian.

- Thanks.

- I look forward to it.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Great.

- Did you get it? - Yeah, I've got it.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Nice.

ALLY: Hey, Luke, a word.

You do know the rules, don't you? No drink or dr*gs.

We're not drinking or drugging.

So what was that in Jacob's bag, then? [CHUCKLES]

Oh, that Yeah, so this one will taste darker, more earthy - Hint of smoke in there, too.

- Mmm.

I can smell the smoke.

Mm.

- This is Hawaiian? - No.

No.

The last one is Hawaiian Sweet and floral.

Oh, right, yeah.

Of course.

Of course.

This one is Indonesian it will taste a bit more bitter.

Similar to the robust beans we tried first? - Yeah, yeah, exactly.

- Mm.

You're a quick learner, Luke.

May I use your bathroom, Ally? Yeah, of course, top of the stairs.

[SOFTLY]

I didn't know you like coffee.

Jacob got me into it.

Coffee's his thing Well, one of us things.

Never met anyone quite like Jacob before.

- He's brilliant, isn't he? - Yeah.

What do your other friends make of him? I haven't got any other friends.

I told Dad this ages ago.

But I've got Jacob now, so that's fine.

Does Jacob have any other friends? A few, but he likes me best.

He said.

We can talk, properly talk about important things, not the boring crap everyone else talks about.

So, then, what's the verdict? Hawaiian for me.

- I like the mellow notes.

- [JACOB CHUCKLES]

Luke? - Indonesian for me.

- Yeah, me too.

- It's the most complex.

- Mm-hmm.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- This is f*cking brilliant! - I knew you'd like them! - We're so old! - Who gives a sh*t? [BOTH LAUGHING]

[PERSON SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

Oh, hey, munchkin.

Where's Chloe? Asleep.

- You okay? - No, not really.

What's up? I don't like Chloe.

I hate her.

You hate her? Why? Well, she told Grace I said mean things about her.

Now Grace won't speak to me.

And none of Grace's friends will even look at me.

Well, I thought Grace was your best friend.

Did you say mean things about her? Yes, I said the things as a joke, but Chloe twisted them to be I don't know what she did, but Grace hates me now.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you were going through all this.

I just I thought you guys were getting on great.

That's what she wants you to think.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I don't want to be friends with Chloe anymore.

I want a divorce from Chloe.

She sounds like a total, total turd.

[CHUCKLES]

Should we go and draw a turd on her forehead while she's sleeping? AVA: That'll be really cruel.

Let's do it! [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- How you feeling? - Better now! [BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

ALLY: It's great, obviously, that he's got a friend, but I just I'm worried that he's investing too much in Jacob.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

ALLY: His happiness, you know, is entirely dependent on staying friends with him.

It's just It feels a bit risky.

Uh, ris yeah, risky.

That does sound risky, yeah.

- How's your evening been? - It's f*cking great.

Band were amazing, like, properly good.

- I feel 22 again.

- Wow.

Yeah, so Dean, right has got a bit of coke.

Has he? Right.

Yeah, so, uh how would you feel if I took some? Not happy.

No? Okay.

'Cause you used to take it.

I used to do a lot of things I don't do now.

- Did you? Like what? - I don't know.

Um, I used to steal from garages.

What, cars? ALLY: No.

Pringles and, like, chocolate from the shop bit of the garage.

I wasn't a f*cking getaway driver.

No, right.

ALLY: It's a shitty trade, Paul.

Kids who are Luke's age getting stabbed in turf wars so the middle-class people can chat more sh*t and grind their teeth It's exploitative, and it's evil.

No, I know.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I know.

I just got carried away.

Don't worry.

I'll politely decline.

Good.

Bye.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

- What time is it? - Hi.

- What time is it? - Uh, 2:00 about 2:00.

I'll check my phone.

Mm, 2:19.

Zero, two, colon, nineteen.

Gone to 20 now.

It's 2:20.

- Did you take the coke? - Oh, how was your evening? Everything okay? Not really, but I'll talk to you when you're feeling a bit less advertising executive-y.

[LAUGHS ABRUPTLY, SIGHS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Uh, no, I don't think I've ever been on a horse before.

It's brilliant.

I'm telling you.

- Really? - Yes.

Look, I've got a mate of mine, Kev He runs a stud farm at Cheltenham.

- Of course you have - Yeah.

No, I have.

He would definitely have something for a complete beginner to ride.

I see that little pig, okay.

Yeah, well, and there just happens to be a double-Michelin starred restaurant in the village.

I knew there had to be another f*cking reason.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So have you heard about, um, Chloe and Ava? - They've fallen out.

- Yeah.

No, I got that impression.

That's a shame, isn't it? Yeah, a big shame.

I was wondering maybe you Maybe you could have a word.

Me? Have a with With Ava.

Oh.

[STAMMERS]

Sorry.

What do you want me to say? You know, Chloe lost her mum when she was really, really small, right? And it's left her feeling insecure.

And she can get a little bit intense in relationships.

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I mean, clingy.

Because she doesn't have a mum to cling to, right? - Oh, sure.

- Yeah.

And it does push people away.

I get it.

- Mm-hmm.

- Right? Clearly she's pushed Ava away.

You know, if you if you explain that to Ava Uh-huh.

Then maybe Ava would be her friend again.

- Yeah.

- Yeah? Seeing as we're mates again.

- Right.

- Ain't we? - [BOTH LAUGH]

- Yeah, we are.

- Yeah.

- I hope so.

- All right, yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah, I'll be really grateful.

- All right, man, yeah.

- So I have to be her friend? - No.

You're ordering me to be her friend.

No, I'm I'm not.

Come Ava, don't be silly.

That's not what I'm saying, but she is vulnerable.

She's horrible.

She made me miserable.

She made me cry, and she enjoyed making me cry.

- I know that it's been tough.

- She's a horrible person.

Just because she hasn't got a mum isn't an excuse to be horrible to me.

Not an excuse, no, but an explanation maybe.

Paul, Ava doesn't want to be Chloe's friend.

Can I go to my room? - Sure.

- No.

Yes.

Just trying to be compassionate, that's all.

Why are you putting this kind of pressure on her? - I'm not.

- You f*cking are.

Do you know Chloe's mum's dead? But we didn't k*ll her.

I think you're motivated by your friendship with Dean.

- What? - Yeah.

For the first time in ages, you've got a friend you like, - and you want to keep him sweet.

- Jeez, Ally.

I'm not ten.

Yeah, but your daughter f*cking is.

Come on.

Paul Be honest.

You know this has to be a choice.

Yes, of course I know.

And, of course, I will choose Ava.

It's just I was enjoying having a best friend, you know, considering we me and you aren't exactly You've got Keeley.

But it's not the same.

She's not the same as you.

f*ck, how did we get here? Okay.

I'll go and speak to Ava.

[STEADY MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

JIM: We'll be with you in a minute, guys.

Just saying our goodbyes.

I don't trust them.

I think they've been ripping your parents off.

Well, mm You can't say anything against them, though.

They're besotted.

They think that I'm jealous because they're friends with people younger than me.

- And are you? - Yeah.

Is he wearing mascara, that one? - Who? Isaac? - If that's his name, yeah.

- Falsies, I reckon.

- [CHUCKLES]

- False eyelashes, really? - Yup.

Nadia is very animated.

- Yeah, speed, isn't it? - Do you think so? Clearly, speed freak.

Big Billy Whizz-Bang.

Bez.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

[WARM MUSIC]

We're best, aren't we? f*ck, yeah, we're best.