01x02 - The Angel

[bunniefuu]

Think that video
has a lot of views, Wendy?
I think this is my fault
That depends on your
social media consumption.

You know, influencing and whatnot.

Would you plot eight million views
as a lot?
Yes, I do.
I mean, I only have Facebook
to message with my dad.

So it's very high indeed for me.

Tom, could you please stop staring at me?
Oh, I'm sorry.
But I'm preoccupied.

This guy glows, our coworker.

He he freaking glows.
What the f*ck?
Yeah, well, that's an astute point.

Um
But I'm pretty sure there's a reasonable
medical explanation for this?
I mean, I also think
it's just really cool.
We don't know
- Okay, I gotta know this
- Tom!
Stop interrupting me or I will end you.

Amily, I'm not interrupting.

I'm collaboratively overlapping.

- You're so full of sh*t.

- Maybe it's lead poisoning.

Have you swallowed
any watch batteries lately?
You know what? I gotta know.
Can you do
anything else besides just glow?
- Of course not.

- You can make that Harry Styles song play.

Oh, but I think that was a coincidence,
because that song is popular.

- Mm, 2017.

- Also, Harry Styles has a third nipple.

I don't know if that's relevant.

I don't I don't know.

Gee whiz, Clark.
You are getting
tons more views.
You're blowing up.

Okay, while we're on the topic, can you
make other Harry Styles songs play?
So, how you feelin', son? You okay?
Yeah.
I'm fine.

Why do you ask?
Uh, because you passed out
in your backyard the other night.

Oh, right.
Of course.

You have to tell me something because
I'm very troubled, my precious son.

Tell you what?
I saw all that hubbub on Twitter.

Oh, you saw that.

You saw the glowing thing?
Yeah, I saw that.

A lot of people saw that.

- Oh man.

- You have to tell me.

How'd you do the trick?
Um Well, Pop, it wasn't a trick.

I don't know what it was
or what's happening.

- But it wasn't a trick.

- Clark, please don't do that to me.

Please.

I mean, it's bullshit, son.

You know, if you're not honest
with me, then
you know, it hurts my feelings.

Pop, I don't wanna hurt your feelings.

But the point is, I'm just
too old to be
bullshat.

Okay.

Not sure you can change
the tense of the word like that,
- but I understand what you're saying.

- Okay!
- I'm not trying to quibble on grammar.

- Okay.

It really It kills me to say this.

But when, and only when
you can be honest with me,
then, and only then
will I give you the honor
of a pleasurable sauna with me.

Pop!
I don't think you should phrase it
that way.
I'm telling the truth!
And hey, you left your pants in here.

Keep 'em, son.
Keep my pants!
Keep everything
until we have no more secrets between us.

Dang it.

So has anybody learned anything
from Operation Why Does Clark Glow?
Well, over here on Team Wendy,
I have come back
with virtual tiddly-squat.

Basically, I jumped down two wormholes.

They were alien conspiracy theories
and ghost stories.

- Oof.

- I'm sorry to say I haven't found much.

Even people who, um,
supposedly spontaneously combust
Oh, my gosh, what?
Combust? I I'm gonna be blown up?
No, no, no.
You don't just simply blow up.

The combustion is from
self-heating too quickly,
which can then lead to auto-igniting,
but you don't glow first, so unfortunately
we can scratch that one off the list.

Okay, crossing off combustion.

Plus, that's gotta be incredibly rare
if it's even a real thing at all.

It's definitely a real thing.

It's very real.

Three out of my four uncles combusted.

I don't
It's not gonna happen to you, though.

For sure, because I had a, uh
What's the pre If you think of
- Premonition.

- About them.

All three of them, but not about you!
So, Mohsin, stop freakin' out Clark.

Tom, what are you reading?
Yeah, Tom, I noticed
nobody in there is burning,
so that's a good start.

Um, did did you find some good stuff?
Well, I thought maybe there could be
a religious angle to this whole thing,
but I am finding
that I am unable to decipher its code.

Did you really think
you were just gonna pick that up
and be able to read an ancient language?
Well, you know.

I learned pig latin pretty quickly.

Pig latin's not the same
as learning a real language, Tom.

- Agree to disagree.

- Here's what we do know.

Om-Tay is an ipshit-day.

- What was that?
- I knew you wouldn't even know pig latin.

No, well, I know pig latin I know
Okay, that was pig
Your accent was terrible.

God, you're an idiot.

Okay, bringing it back
to Operation Why Does Clark Glow?
I did a little bit
of cross-referencing to glowing
and the New Testament,
and I came up with a quote.

"A city on a hill cannot be hidden.
"
"Neither do people light a lamp
and put it under a bowl.
"
"Instead, they put it on its stand,
and it gives light
to everyone in the house.
"
"In the same way,
let your light shine before men
that they may see your good deeds
and praise your Father in Heaven.
"
Matthew five: 14 through 16.

How how did you know that, Clark?
Just stop your cryin' ♪
It's a sign of the times ♪
Wait a minute.
Same song.

Why the same song?
I don't know, Tom.

I'm not I'm not doing it.

You didn't not do it, though.

Hope you're wearing your best clothes ♪
I think I just need a little bit of air.

Okay.

Um
Keep it up, guys.
You're doing great.

That's for you, Tom.

Try not to uck-say so ad-bay.

- You look pretty good down here ♪
- Okay.

Four fingers on that hand.

That's not even atomically correct, so
Hmm.
It's not even anatomically correct,
either.

- What did I say?
- We've been here before ♪
Why are we always stuck
And runnin' from ♪
Did that guy just take my picture?
No.
No.

assh*le.

I know this is all,
you know, pretty weird
Well, it's very weird, actually,
but, I mean, at least you
play music that you really love.

I mean, imagine if it was all this
plus music you hated.

Oh
Well, that's a shame.

I think I'm supposed to help that bird.

Oh.

Like you're getting a Is there a
Is there a voice,
like, telling you that in your head?
No.
I mean, unless my own voice is going
- What your mind does, yeah
- Doesn't count.
I was
I was referring to, like, if you're
hearing a voice that is not your own
- No.

- in your head, you could be insane.

- But it doesn't seem like you are.

- Yeah.
No, it's
It's definitely too late for him.

Oh, it's not a him.
It's a her.

That's a girl bird.

- Girl bird.

- I don't know how I
- Give me a second.
I'm gonna go down here.

- Sure.

And I'm gonna see if I can help her out.

Hi, friend.
How are we, friend?
Oh!
- Oh no!
- Oh, oh! Oh!
She charged me.

- Oh, she charged you.

- She charged me.

- So she's okay.

- She's Yeah.
Holy sh*t!
You're like Moses, man.

I mean, I think.

I don't really know
who specifically Moses is.

I know he's one of the white dudes
with a with a beard and stuff,
but did Moses,
kind of, resurrect dead birds?
I don't have any idea.

I was raised Episcopalian.

Holy sh*t.

- Goin' up to the spirit in the sky ♪
- Spirit in the sky ♪
- It's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪
- When I die ♪
- When I die ♪
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

- No, no, no, no.
Not God.

Just one of his humble servants.

Are you an angel?
- Yes.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- That's awesome.

That is awesome.

Clark.

- Oh! Hello.

- Ah, there he is.

- Hello.

- Sorry about that.

I am an angel sent by God.

Oh no.

It's great that you're an angel
and that you're here.

- This is mind-blowing, actually.

- Yeah.

- I didn't didn't get your name.

- Chamuel.

- Samuel.

- Chamuel.

- Chamuel.

- Chamuel.

Chamuel.

Okay, well, Chamuel, um,
what in particular brings you by?
Okay, you, Clark,
have been chosen by God
- to help the world.

- Oh no.

Really? I was afraid
he was gonna say something like this.

- That's all right
- I was really nervous about exactly this.

So, here's the CliffsNotes version.

Lucifer is currently attempting
to, once again,
take over the throne of Heaven,
and it's not going great
for the good guys at present.

- Oh no.

- Yeah.

Um, quick question.
What does being
chosen by God to help the world mean?
I don't even know
which religion is the right one.

- We know.

- The Pennsylvania Dutch would be my guess.

- Mm.

- I have to ask.
Why me?
I mean, I'm not that guy.

I was never picked in gym class,
even when the teams weren't even.

- See, I can, like, visualize that.

- Yeah.

I'm not authorized to tell you
why God picked you.

I'll do, obviously,
whatever I'm supposed to do.

But I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
so what am I supposed to do?
Spread the message.
Be yourself.

You know, you guys
will hear more about this later.

It's all, kind of,
part of the process, you know?
Sorry, guys.
I gotta go.

See ya later.

Don't worry if things get weird.

Always the darkest before the dawn.

Unless Lucifer wins.

Yeah, then
it would be dark.

People would burn.

Yeah.

Oh, don't tell anyone about me.
Not yet.

I can't believe it.
I mean
- Uh Wow.

- Holy sh*t, right?
Yeah.

- Hi, there.

- Oh, my gosh.

I'm sorry.
Sorry.

I'm Judy.
I'm with USA Today.

Um, I'm a reporter.

A junior reporter but still a reporter.

Um, I just wanted
to ask you a few questions?
- Really?
- You have a problem with the free press?
No, no, no, no.
I love the free press.

It's, like, the best press.

You write things
that people need to read about.

Well, if a kid falls in a well,
that's you guys.

And good job on that amendment.

- The one The good one.

- The the first one?
- What's that?
- The the first amendment?
Yeah.
I love that one.

I put it right up there with the, uh
"Thou shall not k*ll," which is cool.

Well, that's not so much an amendment.

That's a commandment.

Right.
Anyway, Judy,
it's been a blast meeting you,
but it's been a weird day,
and I feel a little blarfy,
just on the tinge of blarfness,
so I'm wondering if we could talk
at a time that's maybe not now?
It can be quick.

I wanted to ask you a few questions
about the situation you experienced
at the restaurant.

- I have to go.
Really nice meeting you.

- Oh, well
We could
we could set up a time that works for you!
Will will you
will you at least take my card?
It has been such a pleasure meeting you.

Wake up.

Hey, guys?
Hey, Frisbee.

Hey, I have noticed
that you guys
have not been doing your actual job,
helping people with
their computer problems and IT issues,
- for a couple of days now.

- Uh
It's a lot more
than a couple days, Frisbee,
but something really important
is going on with Clark, so
Yeah, the guy glows, Frisbee.

Yeah.
Yeah, I know that Clark glows.

- You do?
- Yeah, it doesn't bother me.

More importantly,
it doesn't bother corporate.
Okay?
As long as we all stay
HR compliant, it's fine.

Of course, if you have a grievance,
please, please file the L2 waiver, right?
Then you and I can sit down,
and we can have a very meaningful,
blue-sky, guided dialogue.

I'm sorry.
Did you say somethin'?
No.
Let's, uh
let's dare to be great today, guys.

Hey, Clark.

- HR approves of your glowing.

- Oh.

- Okay, thank you, Frisbee.

- Okay.

Hey, where have you been?
- Oh, I was, um back in the
- No, no, no.

You don't have to answer.

What are you doin'?
We know where he's been.
You don't
need to kick him while he's down.

What are you talking about?
I was just asking him a question.

Oh my goodness.
Clark, if I may, we all
know you've been having tummy trouble,
what with the social media hubbub
surrounding the glowing,
- all that stuff, it's stressful.

- Yeah!
Yeah, I mean, you know,
and my dad's still mad at me.

There you go.
And his dad's still mad
at him.
Jesus, girlfriend, dish.

Um, well, he thinks
that I'm lying about the glowing.

You know, if this glowing thing is really
having some kind of religious connotation,
it just seems that all the figures
that God sort of challenges or tests,
well, they they all kind of
go through it, you know?
I mean, Saint Bartholomew was
he was skinned.

Um, Hazrat Yusuf was thrown into a well
and sold to sl*very by his brothers.

Jesus, Mohsin.

What are you trying to do?
Are you trying to give him more diarrhea
than the level of diarrhea
that he currently is having?
Of course I'm not trying to give him
more diarrhea than the current level.

I'm not some kind of monster.

Well, stop grilling him
while he's got diarrhea.

- Yeah.

- That's not gonna help his system.

- You're gonna be fine.

- Okay.

You'll be fine.

Diarrhea rarely kills people.

We don't even know
that this is a religious thing.

Talking about all this stuff.

We don't know.

Maybe Mohsin was right, maybe you're just
gonna spontaneously combust.

- Mm.
Maybe.

- What?
I doubt it.
I doubt it.

It's a low, low percentage.

No, look, I think the religious angle is
the only thing that makes any sense to me.

Okay?
What I can't figure out, though,
and no offense for this one, my friend.

But why would anybody pick Clark?
That is No offense taken at all, Wendy.

What a great question.

- Why would anyone choose me?
- Well
So there you go.

I don't know if I think that's
a great question.
No offense, Wendy.

But just because Clark is the last person
that you would expect God to choose,
doesn't mean that God chose the wrong guy.

God would probably choose
someone simple.
Sweet.

Oh, well, that's not me.
I mean, I'm not
simple and sweet.
I'm very edgy, actually.

If you're so edgy,
what are your favorite hobbies, Clark?
Oh, thank you so much for asking.

My favorite hobbies would be,
um, taking saunas with my father
and having nice conversations.

- Oh my gosh, I am simple.

- But you're sweet too.

What does this mean?
Do I have to start a ministry?
- No.

- I don't know how to.

I'm not the kind of person
who joins clubs.

I don't know.
And if I'm supposed
to help God, I don't know how to do it.

Who said you have to help God?
Uh no one.
He didn't
he didn't say that anyone said that.

- No one said that.
No person said that.

- I was
- I don't
- You said it.

He just said it.

- Because you said it.

- I'm not being untruthful.

You're a person.
I'm a person.

No person said anything about that.

Right, so no person, I think, but
Who said you need to help God?
Just getting back to the first question.

You did.

I did? I guess I did.

I think what's happening here
is we've just been too tunnel-visioned.

We're all feeling the stress of it.

- Yeah.

- Maybe I should just take you home.

I don't know if your
if your system can take
a scooter ride right now.

Oh, actually, no, I that
that sounds really good, and thank you.

My system is actually fine.

You guys were talking a lot about it,
but I don't actually have it.

- You don't have what?
- I don't have
I don't have diarrhea.

- You don't have what?
- I don't have diarrhea.

Oh, he's saying
he doesn't have diarrhea.

- I
- Like, after all.

- We thought he had diarrhea.
He doesn't.

- I don't.

- Doesn't have it after all.

- It went the other way.

- Oh.

- You're plugged up.

Yeah, but I don't even
like to talk about it.

It's something that sort of
It was brought to me
I feel like now I'm talking about it
more than I wanted to.

- It's not
- Oh my God.
People poo!
- Yuck, Tom.

- People poo.

- It's a fact of life! A fact!
- Oh God.

Whether a lot or a little.
I poo seven
to eight times a day, and that's normal.

- Jesus!
- Seven to eight times is not normal.

All right, Wendy.
The point is
my man and our leader Clark
can keep that bound up if he wants.

Okay, pause.

Since when was Clark our leader?
Yeah, why is Clark our leader?
I didn't make us our leader.

I I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, you misunderstand.

Of course he didn't make himself leader.

And he glows!
Can we go?
Come on.
Way ahead of you.

Oh.
Bye, guys.

- Bye, Clark.

- See ya, Clark.

On your side, bud.

Hi, Skittles.

Do you like cats?
Um I can honestly say
that I have almost no opinion of cats.

Oh really? I have two.
This is Skittles.

And as you can see,
she's a real snack machine.

They're so sweet.
They're so sweet.

Ah! There you go.

All right.
All right.

Go play.
Go play.

- Mm.

- How you doin', Clark?
You know, uh I think I'm doing
really good, really well.

You know, just so good.

I'm just kinda you know, just chillin'.

- Just enjoying the evening and just kinda
- Everything's really good.

- You seem really anxious.

- Do I?
You know, that might just be
because, I don't know, um
You know,
we met an angel, is one thing.

And then, um, you know, apparently, uh
there's a lot of responsibilities
on my plate for some reason,
even though I didn't ask for it.

It's fine, because who doesn't want them?
Because responsibility's a fine thing.

But, then, also, how do you get God's
message out when you're supposed to
How do you feel now?
- I feel a lot better.
Thank you.

- Mm.

I think everything's gonna be just fine.

Footage of an average-looking man
who, as you can see,
seems to glow with a very bright light.

Our own Susan Storm interviewed
the influential Reverend Milton Throp.

So, Reverend, you're saying this glowing
has a religious reason behind it?
No, I'm saying that
that is exactly what this
false witness, Clark Thompson,
is trying to make us believe.

To see this deceiver
attempt to confuse our fellow citizens
with false miracles and trickery,
well, it makes me very angry.

This shyster, whoever he is,
is, at best, a charlatan, and at worst
a horrible agent of the Devil.

Agent of the Devil.

I didn't That did not go
as positively as I had hoped for.

I mean, come on, who is this guy?
He's never met me.
He doesn't know me.

I mean,
I think God picked the wrong person.

I don't think he picked the wrong person.

We don't have to watch any more TV.

We could do something entirely different.

For the record, I did not mean to do that.

I like it.

- This is the place!
- I believe in you, Clark!
You're a blasphemer!
Blasphemers like you will burn in hell!
You will burn in hell forever!
Clark, you're the messiah!
I'm really sorry.

I I can walk you to your scooter.

I can take you home.
I'm so sorry.

I can't say it's not weird, because it's
it's weird.

I mean, it's Yeah, it's batshit.

But maybe if we just drink enough tequila,
it'll seem okay.

I don't really drink, so I'm okay.

Well, you should consider starting.

Charlatan!
Clark!
Clark! Clark!
Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark!
Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark!