01x04 - God, Satan and All the Good Smells

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "God's Favorite Idiot". Aired: June 15, 2022 - present.
A midlevel tech support employee finds love at exactly the same time he becomes the unwitting messenger of God.
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01x04 - God, Satan and All the Good Smells

Post by bunniefuu »

You're sure this is still
the way you wanna go?
I don't know
that it's really trending anymore.

Well, my dad says it's very big
with the kids on the TikTok.

Well, nobody knows about social
more than older people, so cool!
- All right.

- Okay.

So let's, uh
Let's go three, two, one.

- Go, go, go, go ♪
- [Clark sings along.]

- Go, go, go, go ♪
- Go! Go! Go!
- Go, go, go, go ♪
- Go! Go!
- Go! Go!
- Go, go ♪
- Go, go ♪
- Who's next? ♪
- Go, go, go, go ♪
- God! God! God!
Go, go ♪
- God!
- God! God!
- Go, go, go ♪
- Go, go, go, go ♪
- Go! Go!
Go, go ♪
- Who's next?
- God's next!
- Go, go, go ♪
[theme music playing.]

Who's next? ♪
- [Tom.]
- God's next!
- dancing on TikTok.

- Who's next? ♪
- Thoughts?
- What?
It occurs to me you don't know
why I called this,
the first meeting of the Council of Clark.

I'm definitely wondering why
you got us both to stay here so late.

And what's the Council of Clark?
Well, it's us.

I'm sure I wouldn't join
a group called the Council of Clark.

I definitely wouldn't.

Let's not argue
about the name of the council,
which has a kick-ass,
- indelible, memorable name that
- [groans.]
Oh gosh!
Right now, I'm imagining
a very big glass of red wine.

- Mm.

- Give me one compelling reason
why I shouldn't run away from you,
towards a glass of rojo
with a decent price point
and plenty of attitude.

You wish.

Because I'm seeing
some major red flags here.
Think about it.

I mean, he leaves the office
for long hours with Amily
doing God knows what.

He's keeping information from us.

What is it specifically that you think
he is withholding from us?
- Isn't it obvious?
- No.

Clark is pathologically honest.

Remember the time he found
that ten-dollar bill on the ground?
Then he spent $7 printing out
little signs to see who'd claim it.

Six people claimed it,
and he gave them all $10.

- Finding that $10 bill cost him $67.

- Precisely.

But you know, if he found ten
and then spent sev and then
It I dispute that number.

I move to disband this Council of Clark.

And if it's okay, I'd love to join you
for a reasonably priced glass of ro-yo.

But yeah, yeah.
Sure, let's go.

- Yeah!
- No, no, no, no.
Motion denied.

Um, guys, the council will stand.

No, it's not a thing.

That name, it grates.

- I don't like it.
It's not a thing.

- Wait
We'll stand the test of time.

We're rock solid.

- Bye-bye!
- Guys, uh
Forget about the name,
which is the Council of Clark
When I say "forget about the name,"
I mean I've already named it.

You don't have to do anything.

There's merch on the way
with that name on it
coming in your sizes each.

Guys, I'm worried about Clark!
If he's holding out on us,
we can't help him.

Tom, I am pretty sure
Clark wouldn't keep secrets from us,
- especially if it was something bad.

- Mm.

["Ziggy Stardust" by David Bowie playing.]

Oh ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
- Ziggy played guitar ♪
- [wailing.]

Jamming good with Weird and Gilly ♪
And the Spiders from Mars ♪
I am standing outside the home
of Clark Thompson,
known as the man who glows.

Who would have thought we would find
a story that continues to grow nationally?
The story of an incredibly
average man turned prophet,
and who is seemingly
splitting popular opinion in half.

know things are crazy out there,
but look on the bright side.

You make great guacamole.

You make such great guacamole,
and then you could sell it.

And this one's for free
You could call it "Holy Guacamole.
That's a good one.
I like that.

Um, hey.
Do you know, um,
I was thinking about something
Janet Jackson?
Like, where has she been
for, what, six, seven, eight years?
Me too!
So where were the Spiders? ♪
While the fly
Tried to break our bones? ♪
- With just the beer light to guide us ♪
- Hey, hey!
Are you here to see Clark too?
- So we bitched about his fans ♪
- Isn't he amazing?
And should we crush his sweet hands? ♪
God, you're so tense.


- You gotta relax.

- Sure.

This shitty couch.

My mom got it for me.

She says, "Comfort is for the weak.

It's just hard to relax
because Satan wants to, I guess, k*ll me?

- Well, everybody's into you, right?
- Right.

And look at this.

Chip and a dip.
It's a snack-tivity.

But I'm willing to share.

Thank you.

Oh! Fingers in, fingers out.

Fingers in, fingers Maybe.

You got a lot.
You like that?
You know what you have to stop doing?
You have to stop thinking
that the whole world is about to end.

Satan's here, bitches.


What was that?
- [dog barking.]

- I don't know.



What's so funny, idiot?
I could've told you
you can't get inside his house.

- [laughing.]

- Huh.
'Cause I used my powers to make it
so you can't open it.
That's how.

Who do you think you are,
Harry f*ck' Potter?
Oh, this is nothing like Harry Potter.

Honestly, it's very similar
to Harry Potter,
but it's purely coincidental.

Oh, Amily, Clark.

Uh, this is Satan.
Satan, Amily, Clark.

Uh, gimme a sec with these two.

- No!
- [whoosh.]

- [muffled.]
Oh my God!
- Sorry, can't hear you.

Don't trust her.
She can't hurt you
while you're inside the threshold.

Okay? You're also safe at your office.

If you stay on the sidewalk
and go directly to and from work
on the paths you normally take,
you should be fine.

We Harry Pottered your normal routes too,
so as long as you're in travel mode
from place to place, you're fine.

- [faintly.]
Every time I see you
- Sorry it gets so technical.

I blame Frisbee!
Why can't you Harry Potter the world,
and then we're safe everywhere?
Doesn't work like that.
Wait for it.

- [whoosh.]

- And I hate your stupid face!
Just so you know, I will protect these
two fine people until my dying breath.

I will never leave their side.

[thunder rumbles.]

Sorry, guys, I have to go.

The boss needs me.
It's urgent.

Don't do anything she says.

She's evil, and she wants to k*ll you.

- Wait, wait! You can't go!
- No!
- Not right now!
- You can't leave us.

- [Clark groans.]

- Hi.

I really think we might've
gotten off on the wrong foot.

How about, I don't know, maybe I just
come in for a quick glass of white wine
- and we could just talk this through?
- No.

- Why not?
- Because you're Satan,
and I don't drink carrot juice.

She doesn't like white wine.



You guys, I have to tell you something.

I don't think it's fair.

I just feel like I get a bad rap.

I mean, actually, demons as a whole are,
like, maligned but
Look, yes, yes, truth.

There is a battle.
There is a struggle
between Lucifer and God
for the Kingdom of Heaven.

But all Lucifer wants to do
is just make everything more fun.

God's boring.

I mean
Things right now are Ugh!
They're going pretty amazing,
and we wouldn't wanna mess that up.

I mean, if every year could be 2020!
So, what I would love,
we would love, our side would love
is if, Clark, you could
maybe help us?
What do you say?
I mean, I could really
make it worth your while.

I could give you stuff.

Like what?
- [rumbling.]

- [Satan.]
Oh, like
- [panting.]

- [Amily gasps.]

Oh! [laughs.]

- [laughing.]

- Oh, this feels wrong.

Just because it's wrong
doesn't make it bad.

I like her.
I like you.

Oh! It's because your foot's over
the threshold.
That's why.

- [snarls.]

- [Amily.]
Oh my God.

What is goin' on?
- [sighs.]

- You know what?
I think I'm just gonna go ahead
- and ask you to leave my porch.

- [sighs.]


Okay, I banish
- Oh.

- thee.

- Banishment.

- I hereby banish thee.

Know what I think?
You're not smart enough
to do God's will.

- And I think you know that.

- [rumbling.]

I gotta go join the battle up there.

But I will be back soon to k*ll you.

So f*ck you, f*ck you,
and f*ck your precious lemon tree.

[crowd yelling.]

The b*tch b*rned down your lemon tree.

I don't know how you're so calm.

You seem so calm.
My heart is palpitating.

My pulse rate is it's staggering.

It's staggering.

God, I don't feel anything.

- Well, it would be on this
- Oh, shit.

- Okay, I'm pickin' something up.

- Good, good, good.


You know, um if it would, uh
be of comfort to you,
I I would be willing, you know,
to stay over again.

Oh, that would be cool.
I mean, for your
I was thinking about your safety.

- For safety's sake.

- Thank you.

You smell that?
- [inhales.]

- Smell what?
Something It smells My God, I think it
- [sniffs.]
I think it's coming from you.

- What?
- Holy shit.

- Is something
You smell exactly like
these chocolate chip cookies
my grandma used to make.

- Really?
- [inhales deeply.]

[church organ playing.]

My friends, Clark Thompson, or
"the man who glows"

He's trying to shake our faith
by being untruthful.

He's trying to bamboozle us
- [woman.]
- into following him!
- [scattered shouts.]

- [woman.]
Yeah! The devil
Are We gonna let that happen?
- [all.]
- Are we going to let that happen?
- [all.]
- No, indeed!
Because only those who understand God
- [woman.]
That's right!
- can truly know God
- [woman.]
- as we do.

- [woman.]
- Only the righteous
- [man.]
That's right.

- are right.

- [all.]

- Let me hear you.

Only the righteous are right!
Now, God preaches peace,
and I preach the word of God.

Preach on!
But if ever there was someone
I was going to punch in the bloody face,
- it would be Clark Thompson!
- [applause.]

I would knock that glow right off of him!

[crowd clamoring.]

Is this safe?
Chamuel said that he Harry Pottered
all of the routes, so it should be.

Hey, Clark! Only the righteous are right!

You little shit!
Yeah! Yeah!
I hope that hurts!
And you spelled "believe" wrong!
- [horn beeps.]

- [tires screech.]

Hey! Stop.

- Don't even!
- [Clark.]
[horn beeps.]

Come on.
You wish!
Won't change my mind, Tom.

I'm not gonna move
your desk closer to Clark's.

Why not?
Because the strategic floor plan
was decided by corporate two months ago,
- and I sent around a dozen emails
- [sighs.]

confirming it with all of you
to maximize productivity.

You're not hearing me.

I don't care about any of that.

Clark is keeping key information from me.

He knows stuff he's not saying.

- I don't know anything about that.

- Well, this sucks.
I want my desk moved.

I'm coming back in here every day
to demand it is moved until it is.

A daily huddle, just you and me?
- No, what?
- I love this.

- No, don't do that.

- I've got, like, 12:45 to 1:15 every day.

- A half hour.

- I haven't got time.

- No, no, no.

- I'll soft put this in.

- Just soft.

- No, don't put it in at all.
I've left.

- Fridays would have to be later.

- God, no!
We can do an hour.

You've got plenty of time.


- Hey.

- Hi.

I was just wondering, uh, about, uh
what you mentioned the other day?
What? That I think you're nice?
Yes, that.
And, you know, there's obviously,
uh, so many different ways
that one could take that, uh statement.

I just really wanted to share
that if the world was about to end,
I think you're nice.

Because you are nice.

And what comes after that could be
whatever comes after that, you know?
It's okay that I'm so old?

- Actually, hang on.

- Huh?
You're not, like,
a really handsome, swole 55, are you?
Uh I'm I'm 37.

- Yes!
- [laughs.]

37 is fab!
- Oh, well, good.

- Yeah, that's great.

It's good.

Um So, you know
um, I'm still nowhere closer
to solving that incredibly difficult cube.

The Pentagonal Dodecahedron Speed Cube.

- That's the one.
You know.

- Yeah.

- You're so smart.

- Thank you.

- I really like that.

- No.
My thing's more important.
I promise.

That d*ck Frisbee
won't let me move my desk.

- Let's keep it classy, Tom.

- I'm on a break, Frisbee!
Something's got to be done.

If I'm going to be of any use to Clark,
I need proximity.

Aw! I'm gonna focus
on the positive there,
which is that you wanting
to be of use to Clark
is the least selfish thing
I've ever heard you say, buddy!
Do you guys smell something?

- Yeah.

- Mm
- [all sniffing.]

- My God.
Smells like a vintage sailboat.

- My grandmother's quilt!
- Hot Pockets.

- What smells so good?
- Hi, guys! Hi.

Did you just walk through
a vintage boatyard?
- What?
- Oh, my gosh.

- [Mohsin.]
Hey, it's you.

- Wendy.

- You smell like Heaven, buddy.

- What?
- You guys are wrong.

- My God.

- Pepperoni Hot Pockets.
What's going on?
- Amily! Amily!
- Oh my God! What are you doing?
- Amily! Amily! Amily!
- Oh my God, all of you.

- No, it's
What is going on?
You're like feral cats.

No, no, no, no, no.

You tell us what's going on!
We're not privy to the whole picture,
and now you're smelling so good?
- Yeah.

- So good.

And I can't be your bodyguard
if you don't let me in.

- The Council of Clark agrees.

- What's the Council of Clark?
- Nothing.

- Not a thing.

Okay, look, spill it.
What's goin' on?
- Well, if you must know, I mean, I
- [sighs.]

- Some guy threw a brick through my window.

- Crazy guy.

- What?
- [Clark.]
On the way in.

And, uh, just lately,
I've been feeling a little overwhelmed.

["Tom Sawyer" by Rush playing.]

Today's Tom Sawyer
He gets high on you ♪
- Oh! I love Rush.

- In the space he invades ♪
- Did you play this for me?
- Uh I'm not sure.

I'm gonna go use the restroom.

Cool with me.
Everybody poops.

- No, thank you.

- Thanks for this!
- [all sniffing.]

- [whistles.]

Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr! ♪
I think it's a flute.

Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr! Brr-brr-brr-brr! ♪
[song stops.]

Oh, come on! What ha
- What
- [Amily.]
No, Frisbee, get out.

- You made the music turn off.
Get out!
- I just wanted to see what the fun was.

All right.



I need some privacy, please.

[female voice.]
Oh, no, Clark.

It's me.

Oh, my gosh.

You're not gonna faint.

Come on out
and let's have a little bit of a chat.

We both know you're just playing
Candy Crush in there.

Your pants are still up.



Um [clears throat.]

And fo for the record, I guess
I always figured you
you would be a woman.

I come in many forms.
This one is
your fourth-year nurse, Mrs.

Oh! I loved her.

- Oh! G for God.
That's so cool.

- [chuckles.]

Oh, you're funny.
I like you.

That's why I picked you, you know.

Because you're sweet and simple
like pecan pie.

Thank yo
I have a mild nut allergy.

No, I know.

- So cool.

- Clark.

I called Chamuel back because
we were in a particularly hairy portion
of the battle in Heaven.

Lucifer and his forces
are attacking me at this very moment
in multiple places and intercosmic planes.

- But aren't you here?
- Yes.

The universe is like a giant baklava.

Everything can happen in multiple places
and multiple timescapes.

So you're saying that
you're fighting Lucifer in Heaven
at the same time you're talking
to me in this men's room.

Like a baklava.

I'm not sure
I'm getting the baklava reference.

Am I thinking of spanakopita?
No, dear.
The universe
is nothing like a spanakopita.

Now, Clark, I came here
because I need to let you know
that you have to start
getting the message out.

Chamuel told you to do that, right?
Yes, he did.
He did.

Um, and I'm sorry, I tried a few things,
but they went rather poorly.

Someone threw a flashlight at my face.


What exactly is the message
I'm supposed to get out there?
Chamuel was a little light on the details.

I need you to let people know
that God is real
and God is good.

And everybody, meaning all religions,
are actually quite right about God.

Also, nobody's really wrong.

I'm okay with all flavors,
unless you're full crazy train,
or use my name to hurt people.

So, you let everyone know that,
and then I want to know what people say.

I I can try to do that.


The world is at a tipping point, Clark.

There's far too much bad mojo out there,
and my battery is running low.

Either we get the message out
and people love one another
and respect one another more,
and I whoop Lucifer's ass,
or we don't do that and he'll whoop mine.

Uh, no! Can we do it the first way?
If people don't really want my help
anymore, then, you know
maybe I'll stop giving it.

There's not much use putting out a f*re
if the homeowner
keeps lighting a match, is there?

Okay, um what's the best way
for me to get the message out?
[squeak and thump.]

Oh, my gosh.

The reporter.
Of course! You sent me
a reporter, and I fled from her.

And there have been
reporters around my house for weeks!
If you get stuck, ask your girlfriend
for help.
She's a doer.

You said girlfriend.

Is that a decree? [chuckles.]

Do you fancy a Starbucks?

Oh, remember, for every coffee, one glass
of water.
Hydration is very important.

Right, well.
See you soon.

Or maybe never again.

That's good.

- [elevator dings.]

- Clark, are you okay?
You were in the bathroom for four hours.

I kept trying to check on you,
but the door was locked.

Oh, really? Well, I met God.

- [whispers.]
You met God in the bathroom?
- Yes.
God gave me a Starbucks.

- A Starbucks?
- Wanna try it? It's so good.

- I do.
Can I?
- Yes.

- Oh my God, that's delicious.

- So good, right?
- So good.

- Which makes sense.

But the main thing God said is
I really need to talk to this reporter.

So I have to call her right now.

- I'm messing everything up.

- No!
[phone vibrates.]

- Hello?
- Hi, Judy.
It's me, uh, Clark Thompson.

I was wondering if we could
do that interview, um
you know, maybe right now?
I'm sort of in the middle of something.

Um, how's tomorrow morning?
Tomorrow morning would be fine
for someone else,
at a different time if it wasn't urgent.

'Cause this is such an urgent situation,
it just
Uh, I can't express
enough how urgent the urgency is.

- [mouths.]

- I'm on a date right now.

Rudely on my cell during it.

Um, how's tomorrow morning?
Okay, well, tomorrow is great,
and I want you to have fun on your date.

Um I I definitely have tried,

Um, so, uh, we'll just say I'll text you
the deets about tomorrow morning.

And have a fun date.
Okay, bye-bye.

I'm so sorry.

Who's Clark?
I hope it's not competition.

I'm so slow.

God needs me to go fast,
and I'm going so slow.

You came out and immediately
called the reporter you were supposed
You literally followed
instructions immediately.

- Maybe you're right.

- Of course I'm right.


Now, this is gonna sound kinda weird.

- I doubt it.
I mean
- Mm-hmm.

If you line 'em all up together you know.

I've just been thinking about
how precious time in this life is.

So since I can't do
the thing that I'm supposed to do
You wanna spend some one-on-one time with
[clicks tongue.]

- How did you know that?
- Well, you're slow.
I'm fast.

And that is when I vowed
to never play kickball again.



I have to go.

Was it my lame kickball story?
Actually, Judy, I'm just not feeling it.

- You're stupid and ugly.

- What?
You heard me.


This is such a beautiful spot.

I know, right?
I'm glad you like it.

I just figured, you know, Frisbee
Harry Pottered the car, and I mean
It's probably one of the few places we can
have kind of a chill night,
just the two of us.

Also, I thought we could use a nice place
where we won't get m*rder by Satan.

- Yeah.

- Get in the back, Clark.

- Oh God! What? What's going on?
- I know.
Let's go!
- I'm here to save your bacon, bud.

- [Amily.]

- [car starts.]

- What is happening?
- [g*n.]

- [all.]
- Oh, shit! Go, go, go, go!
- Satan is happening.

Did you miss me?
[revs engine.]

- [tires squeal.]

- [Amily wails.]
Go! Come on, man!
- Shit.

- [Clark.]
Why is my car so slow?
I don't mean
to throw anyone under the bus,
but Frisbee was supposed
to Harry Potter the car.

f*cking Frisbee!
If he would do some work once in a while
instead of doing paperwork
about doing work,
- we'd all be in better shape!
- Tell me about it.

- Did you talk to the reporter?
- She was on a date.

- I'm supposed to talk to her tomorrow.

- God's not gonna like that.

- [all yelp.]

- [Amily.]

Why does Satan even need a g*n?
She doesn't.
She just loves them.

I mean, she should.
She invented them.

But even if you get h*t,
I mean, you're an angel, right?
You're an archangel.

You can't you can't die.

With a high-level demon
like Lucifer and Satan, yes, I can.

- And you definitely can.

- But not Clark, right?
Clark's one of the good guys.
I mean,
he's literally handpicked by God.

I mean, if he gets sh*t,
which you won't get sh*t, you will not,
but if he did, he'd go to Heaven, right?
I'm not exactly sure,
due to the restructuring,
- but it's possible he'd go to Hell.

- [clanking.]

- Or somewhere else entirely.

- Shit.

[engine chugging.]

Why do you drive an old, b*at-up Volvo?
It literally has
zero horsepower.

- [Chamuel yelps.]

- [tires screech.]

We're never gonna shake her.

- [Clark.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh God!
- [Chamuel yells.]

- [grunts.]

- [Satan yells.]

[tires squealing.]

You wrecked my bike, you d*ck.


f*ck me.

[echoing scream.]

- [crickets chirping.]

- [Clark.]
At least we know we're safe here.

- [sighs.]

- Chamuel Harry Pottered the house.

I just hope he's okay.

I have a strong feeling that he is okay.

Hey, I thought I drank all the tequila.


Can you replenish tequila now?
- [laughs.]

- Oh.

No, I asked my dad to get you another
bottle when he came by to fix the window.

- That was really sweet of you and of him.

- [chuckles.]

He left a note.

"Enjoy the new window.
Look forward
to pleasuring ourselves in the sauna.
"Love, Pop.
Always a tough sentence.

- He loves the sauna.

- Yeah.

You know, I haven't had a chance
to actually tell you, um
but when I met God today,
God actually mentioned you.

I don't
I'm sure that was
I can't imagine God mentioning me.

Actually referred to you as my girlfriend.

Which, I um I wasn't sure if that was
something you were interested in or not.

But but I'm sort of putting it out there
in, kind of, a soft way
of, like, if you're interested
in making it official,
that's something we could but if also
- Hmm.

- You know, whatever.

Okay, well.

Is that something
you'd like to make official?
Yes, I would.
But did I answer too quickly?
'Cause I I can, like, give it a b*at.

Uh but but it's not,
like, a pressure thing.

It just was something that was brought up
today in kind of an unusual situation.

Like, if that's something
If you're interested in it,
I'm certainly incredibly interested.

- If it's not something
- I want to make it official too.

That's so cool.

["Feels So Good" by Bobby Harden
and The Soulful Saints playing.]

- My God.

- Did I do something?
You're doing it again.

Mm! God.

You smell just like Marco Chevrolati.

He was my first boyfriend.

He was a terrible kisser,
but he had great cologne.

In the palm of your hand ♪
Feels so good ♪

I'm sorry, Leviathan.
I I would have
I would have gotten them, it's just that
stupid f*ck-faced angel got in my way.

I'll do better next time.

[distant screaming.]

The boss isn't gonna like this.



[howling outside.]

That's my bathroom.


That's my other bathroom.



[theme music playing.]

[menacing music playing.]

Sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanctus, sanctus ♪
Sanctus ♪
Sanct ♪
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