01x05 - The Word (It's Love)

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "God's Favorite Idiot". Aired: June 15, 2022 - present.*
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A midlevel tech support employee finds love at exactly the same time he becomes the unwitting messenger of God.
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01x05 - The Word (It's Love)

Post by bunniefuu »

["Lovely Day" by Bill Withers.]

When I wake up in the mornin', love ♪
And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪
And somethin' without warnin', love ♪
- Bears heavy on my mind ♪
- Hey.
Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Then I look at you ♪
Bill Withers, huh?
- And the world's ♪
- Strong choice.

- All right with me ♪
- Yeah, I love the Withers.
Rest in peace.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Last night was an incredibly fun evening.

- Agreed.

Almost made me forget there was
a demonic entity that wanted to k*ll us.

Yeah, well,
I think I can probably take her.

- A lovely day ♪
- Lovely day, lovely day ♪
Wow, you're making a real feast.

Trying to.

[with accent.]
eggs and bakey!"
What is What is that that's happening?
It's just an accent
I've been workin' on for a while.

Oh, is that What, is it Dutch or
- Australian!
- Australian.

Similar, I think.

I thought it was, like,
a high-pitched troll.

[with accent.]
You know, normally I make
just a really weird smoothie for brekkie.

But today I wanted
to try something a little nicer.

Kind of a feast, you know,
as a display of love.


Hey, sorry.
I didn't mean to say that.
Not that, like, love is a bad word
or that feeling love for someone
is a bad thing, at all.

I just didn't mean to blurt it out.

Clark, you can say whatever you want.

Oh, cool.

Um You know, because I do love you.

And I have for a long time.


- Oh, my eggs must be done.

- No, it's my phone.
I think.

[clears throat.]

- [clears throat.]

- [Clark chuckles.]

Uh! [laughs.]

It's a I matched up
with somebody on Tinder.

It dings you when you get a match.

- [phone chimes.]

- Oh, Tinder.

Oh, my God.

This guy says that he drives a 19-wheeler.

- Wow, he's got a whole extra wheel, huh?
- I guess! I guess I'll find out.

Or maybe I won't?
That Which would be cool.

But either way.

Like, whatever you wanna do.

It's obviously a free, um free country.

You do what you like.

Thank you.
It looks beautiful.

Oh, I'm glad glad you like it.

I just want to say, for the record, um
that me saying "love," I'm not
expecting you to say anything back.


[Clark groans.]

Well, I guess I'd really love
to be able to throw lightning bolts,
but this is pretty cool too.

Yeah, flower guy.

- [knock at door.]

- [Satan.]
Hey, pals!
Oh, sh*t.

Hey, guys!
- No! Not over the threshold.

- Thank you.

Well, if you don't
walk over that threshold,
you won't get any of my famous
mortadella hospitality platter.

Smells so good.

Oh, I love mortadella.

Come on, you guys.
Let's hang out.

I mean, it's not like
I'm a m*rder or something.

You literally
just tried to m*rder us last night.

You guys just don't get my humor.

Yet! [giggles.]

But look.
It's been a long couple of days.

Did you know that
your friend Chamuel tried to k*ll me?
Before I grabbed him
and put him in a secure location,
where I'll be sure to keep torturing him,
unless you stop with the bullshit, Clarky.

I don't think you're telling the truth.

- No.

- You've been known to lie.

- And
- She's the lord of lies.

- Yes.

- It's your title.

And what do you mean,
I have to stop with the bull,
- um
- sh*t.

- Thank you.

- Listen, God's old.

And Lucifer
is stone cold whoopin' that ass.

Besides, I'm also in really big trouble
for failing to bring you in already.

Well, why would we give two shits
if you're in trouble?
my boss isn't as nice as I am.

A little glazed pimento loaf?
- Amily, no!
- I can smell it.

- It's glazed with tequila.

- That's what I thought.
Oh God.

- That's gorgeous.

- Añejo.

It's añejo.

- No.

- That's not You're not
I know what you're doing.

- You're not fighting fair.

- No.
And what do you mean, your boss?
- Uh Wha Who's your boss?
- Oh!
That's a really good question.
I have two.

He's, like
He's my immediate superior.

I'm closin' in.

- And then Lucifer is the super boss.

- Oh.

- [Satah.]

- Three names.

I thought it was one.
Just different
Like Sue, Susan, Susie.

- That's not exactly how I thought of it.

- Oh.

But I thought it was three different
Isn't it Aren't you the same demon?
That is r*cist, Clark.

We are three different demons.

Have you read
John Wycliffe's classification of demons?
Is there an audiobook?
Oh, God.
Of course you haven't.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

I'm not gonna hold that against you.

All I'm saying is that
if my boss has to come into the picture,
it's gonna get ugly.

He's not gonna bring you
an ambrosia salad, now is he?
Oh, it's mini marshmallows.

- Just follow the salad.

- [Clark.]

And let me wipe your mind clean for you.

- Fightin' dirty.

- [Satan.]

- Um we'll politely decline your offer.

- Yeah.

- [Clark.]
And wish you the best day.

- [laughs.]
I mean, why? Do you know
how much work this took to do this?
I don't understand.
What's wrong
with my offer? What has God done for you?
She doesn't put out a spread like this!
- Tell me!
- It's a good spread.

I'll give you that.
It's a great spread.

Let me guess.

God told you to get the message out,
and then didn't tell you how to do it.

It's not, you know Actually, that is not
"Hey, guys, I need you
to do this really hard thing for me.
"But I'm not gonna tell you
exactly how to do it.
"And I'm not gonna give you any fun food.
Am I close?
You know, what's really frustrating is
I know I'm right and you know I'm right.

But yet, you still won't play ball.

But it's fine,
because do you know what I find?
- I just think that dummies like you guys
- This is gonna be hot.

See these dogs?
You were gonna get all of these.

But now you get nothing!
Because dummies don't get
- It's wasteful.

- [Satan.]
Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go back
to the w*r up there in Heaven.

- And I'm gonna s*ab an angel.

- [gasps.]

But not just any angel.

The biggest, juiciest angel I can find.

And I hope you feel it, Clark.

- Right in your nutsack.

- Oh, let's not get that involved.

Bye, best friends.


See? All you have to
do is press refresh.
It's like magic.
All right.

Thank you for calling Arresta.

[clears throat.]

- So, what do you think?
- Oh, whoa!
- Whoa?
- Uh Uh, did I just say whoa?
- Yeah.

- Uh, of course I did.

Because, uh
That is a word I say
when I am, uh, loving something so much.

Because I love horses.

And, uh you know, when you say "whoa,"
it's because you've been enjoying a
a horse ride so much,
and everything is just wonderful.

Meaning that your hair
looks just perfect.


It's not too much, right?
Oh, no, no, of course not.

Uh, you know, maybe it's not even enough.

- Hmm.

- Oh!
- Great!
- Yeah.

- I did have it professionally done.

- Oh
But I could always
zhuzh it up myself a bit.

- Maybe I should give it a bit more height.

- Oh, no, it's just
It's just a perfect amount of height,
because there's just, um,
so much height.

I'm so pleased that you like it.

It's just, with the journalists coming,
I really wanted to look nice today.

- Yes.

- In case there's a photo op.


Just between you and I,
I have been feeling so bad
about how little I've been doing
to help Clark get the message out.

So I just thought that it could help him
seem more legit, you know,
if his coworkers looked
a little more professional.

Oh, holy sh*t, Wendy.

Who the hell jacked up your hair?
It's super tall.
It's like a skyscraper.

How did you even get it in here?
f*ck you, Tom.

You f*ck' prick.

How f*ck' dare you
have a go at me 'cause of my hair?
Okay, no F-b*mb in the off

He must like horses, as well.

- You're lying to me, aren't you?
- Uh, no, I'm not.

It looks it looks great.

No, no, get real.
"Whoa" means "stop"
when you're on a horse.

And in this case, yeah,
absolutely, this is too much.

- Stop.

- Oh, f*ck it all!
I wanna write him up.

Frisbee, I wanna write him up.

- Write him up?
- [Frisbee sighs.]

Tom, Mohsin, let's just do it right now.


[organ music.]

Only the virtuous
can apsire to the heavens.

And only God's children
can get one of these beauties.

[Satan chuckles.]

Can I help you?
The question is, how can I help you?
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Satalinda.

Satalinda? That's an interesting name.

It's Romanian.

A bear I know.

But I know your name.

I know everything about you,
because I intend to make you a star.

Well, I'm already on television
throughout Los Angeles, Orange County,
and parts of the Inland Empire.

I represent
a large streaming service,
and we are looking for programming
to match our large religious audience.

You've heard of
America's Own Holy Network?
Amer Yes, of course.



Look over this contract.

I think you'll agree
that we are so impressed with your message
"Only the righteous are right,"
that we are prepared to offer you
an enormous amount of money
to continue your good work.

Oh, yes.
That's quite generous.

It's a win-win.

We'll get your righteous message
out to our enormous audience
and you'll finally have
the vast platform you deserve.

And get a very big check.

- Oh
- [laughs.]
Long story short,
we need you.

And you can use us.

However you like.

You deserve a bigger plane than that.

- [chuckles.]

- They fly higher.

Closer to God.



Keep the pen.

- [Tom.]
I feel like
- [Mohsin.]
How many times
- What gives you the right
- This meeting is a farce.

- [all talking.]

- Guys.

- It's the way I talk.

- "I can't get a date on Tinder.
- Guys!
- can't get a second date, it doesn't
- Guys!
- to be mean to me!
in my rectum.

Um I need you to get back to work.

Also, to lower the temperature in here.

So you're asking me
not to acknowledge my feelings
or to acknowledge
an insult from a coworker?
Sticky question.

I'm enjoying this dialogue.
Thank you.

Yes, great dialogue.

What I am going to do
is I am going to ping corporate,
and I am going to elevate the vis on this.

- What's vis?
- Visibility.

- Please just say visibility.

- Yeah.

- Okay.
Thanks for sunshining that for me.

- What the f*ck does sunshining mean?
S I heard it in a workshop.

It seemed positive at the time.

Net-net, I'm trying to help.

Also, no F-b*mb.
Please, no F-b*mb.

I have to give you a flag.

It's a verbal warning
if you do another F-b*mb.

If you write me up without writing Tom up,
I promise you
that I will sunshine my little Kiwi foot
straight up Tom's ass!
Appendage insertion?
I don't know what the big deal is.

You're threatening v*olence?
All I said is her hair is super jacked up.

It's something really positive
that I tried to help our friend, Tom.

Okay, look, you're not hearing me.

I never said you shouldn't try.

I said you failed.

- Shut up, Tom!
- That came out bad.

Verbal warning and a flag.

Also, Tom.
Not constructive.

We need to build up, not tear down, okay?
I just want to sunshine something
and make sure that
we are all on the same page here,
witnessing the same
paradigm-shifting thing.

Our friend and our colleague,
Clark, is glowing.

He is a beacon to God,
who I didn't even think existed.

And we are all
trapped in the middle of it.

The freaky possibilities
of how this could all play out
are literally endless.

We could be m*rder by demons.

We could be b*rned forever
by creaturey, underworld people.

We could be we could be grabbed
and we could be flayed, skinned alive.

Poked and prodded by pitchforks.

Poked and prodded by pitchforks.

Now we're getting somewhere.

My point is, team,
we are very likely very much screwed.

So in the midst of all the madness,
I decided to do something positive
by looking more professional
to help Clark seem more legit.

So I put a bit more volume in my hair.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out.

It was a devastating result
that I will rectify as soon as I can.


You must be the reporter
that we've been expecting.

- Yep.

- I'm Wendy.

Um, for the record, I love your hair.


I'm also feeling really great about it,

Clark, Judy.

Thank you.

So we'll do the interview with everyone?
I thought so, if that's okay.

These guys have been
through all this with me.

Mind if I record our conversation?

So, who was the first person
to see Clark glow?
- I
- Amily saw him first.

Which is something she could
have told you herself.

I might be a bit nervous, I, uh
I just get a little
Whenever I'm being recorded,
I worry I might say the wrong thing.

- Why, because you're a convict?
- No.
It was just a misdemeanor.

And you are
I'm Mohsin.

Uh, Mohsin Raza.

Thank you.

I don't know why I told you my full name.

Seems a bit formal.

Only my father calls me that.

I don't have a very good relationship
with him.
Mahmoud Raza.

My brother's name is Muntezir Raza
and, uh, my sister is just Peggy.

Because, you know, her name's Margaret,
You can call me Mo if you want.

Feel free to stop talking
at literally any moment.

- Great.
Thank you.

- Yeah.

So, Mo
- I'd prefer if you call me Mohsin.

- [Judy.]

I thought you would.
- You've never, ever said Mo.

- Yeah.

Some people, including Reverend Throp,
have said Clark is performing tricks
to gin up his popularity
and diminish organized religion.

Is this some kind of h*t piece?
No, I just like to ask the more
uncomfortable questions
at the beginning of the interview
so the rest is easier.

All right.
Well, we'll see, won't we?
- So
- [Mohsin.]

Mohsin, in your opinion,
could Clark's glowing be a trick?
It's definitely not a trick.

He's done it many times.

And if it was a trick,
how would he achieve that, even?
He'd have to have some kind of a
I don't know, magic remote control.

- Where to keep it?
- Don't say butt.

- Up your butt?
- Oh, yuck!
- Do not go on.

- Please don't write that down.

For the record, he glows.

We've all seen it.

Something we've seen.

And he's a good guy.

And I'm trying to be better, you know?
Uh to follow in his footsteps.

'Cause sometimes I make mistakes.

By the way, Wendy, I'm I'm sorry.

That's okay.
Thank you.

Wow! Uh
It's nice to be forgiven.
Feels good.

Look, it it's really important
that when you write this article,
you let people know that
Clark was chosen by D-O-G, God.

He has dyslexia.

Flip it.
Flip it.

How do you know that he was chosen?
You know, it's a feeling that we all have.

Uh, plus he glows.

And he smells like your favorite thing.

- Mm.
He does.

- Yeah.

And it changes all the time.

It's different for everybody.

You do smell
kind of like a dry chardonnay to me.


- [car lock chirps.]

- [whistling.]

Oh, hey there.

Is it no pants day?
- Who are you?
- I'm a friend of Clark's.

- From work.

- Oh, you must be Amily!
- And who are you?
- I'm Gene.

I'm I'm Clark's dad.

- No!
- Yeah.
I've heard a lot about you.

- Oh!
- I mean, uh
You know, my son has
a major, big-time crush on you.

Oh, God.
I wish I could
just erase what I just said.

- I'll pretend I never heard it.

- Good.

Oop Pow!
Thank you.

Yeah, um, listen.

I'm just gonna reschedule with Clark.

I mean, we usually, you know,
have a sauna on a Tuesday,
but, you know, you guys,
you should hang out.

You know, have a date.

You know, whatever it is.

I'm not gonna say what it is
because, you know, I don't wanna,
you know, overstep my boundaries of my
my precious son's new and
and hopefully very serious relationship.

- So I, uh
- Please! Please stay.

The truth is I've really been wanting
to meet you too.
Clark will be along soon.

Come on.
Let's just hang out.

Get to know each other.

Chew each other's fat.

Come on!
I don't bite.

You believe you glow
because you're a messenger of God.

Uh [sighs.]

Well, I'm not so sure about
the significance of the glowing, per se?
But when God spoke to me in the bathroom
- Wait.
In the bathroom?
- Whoa, whoa
- Shut the front door.

- [Tom.]
I'm sorry, Clark.
God spoke to you?
Sounds like something you should
disclose with the Council of Clark.

- The Council of Clark?
- No.

- It's not a real thing.

- God really spoke to you?
Uh, yes.

Um I'm really sorry
I didn't get a chance to tell you guys.

I feel like you could have found the time,
you know, to share this kind of news.

Maybe over a scone.

"Hey, Mohsin.
I met God.
- Yeah.
You're exactly right as usual.

- Thank you.

Everybody in the Council of Clark
needs to know something of that magnitude.

- Ew! Yuck! I said Council of Clark!
- Oh no!
- Don't write that down.

- She said it again.
So it's on the record,
I'll just say
I am the leader of the Council of Clark.

- Abbreviated CoC
- You are not the leader.

And that's not the takeaway there, Tom.

Clark, is God nice?
She's very nice.

Yeah, which is good news, right?
And I guess,
since we're sort of in the spirit
- of, uh, sharing, uh, things
- Yeah.

We've also met an archangel named Chamuel.

- Chamuel?
- [Tom.]
Oh my God.

He's a lesser archangel,
but still, he's an archangel
You know, I guess the good news
about, uh, Chamuel, as well,
is that, uh, he has been trying
to help us not get m*rder by Satan.

Who we also met.

And she is an assh*le.

- Whoa.

- Whoa?
- I knew you didn't like my hair.

- No, no, I meant
- Guys.
Hey, hey, hey!
- [Mohsin.]
I didn't mean it like that.

- Your hair's
- You did mean it!
- I know, I'm well aware!
- Guys, guys.
This is not the moment.

I know you want lots of details
and have lots of questions.

But right now, Clark's main mission is
to get this interview done.
So let's
Tom! Stop staring
at the back of Clark's head.
Come here.

- It's just a lot to take in.

- [Wendy.]

Go ahead.

- [Amily clears throat.]

- [Clark.]
Okay, so here we go.

God is real and God is good.

And everybody is actually
quite right about God.

Meaning Jewish people,
or Christians, or Hindus, or Muslims,
or the other organized religions,
or even the disorganized ones.

Or people that are just spiritual.

As long as you lead with love
and you do no harm,
you're perfectly right about God.

I think God wants there to be
a lot less fighting
between people about their religions.

God wants everyone to love each other
and to respect each other.

I have so many
follow-up questions, but
Clark, can you glow for me now?
Oh sh*t.

[bl*ws raspberry.]

Just asking, Clark's Dad, but
Why are you just wearing a towel?
Well, um, you know, when when Clark
and I pleasure ourselves in the sauna,
um, I never know
what to do with my clothes,
so, you know, I just thought
I would think outside the box.

So I drove over here with just a towel on.


How lucky is your car seat?
Oh! Oh, jeez.

Lucky car seat.
That's that's good.

Oh, I wasn't kidding.

I wish I was your Hyundai.

How do you know I drive a Hyundai?
- Sorry, it doesn't always work right away.

- No worries.
I have plenty of time.

So just relax, Clark.
Take your time.

- There's no pressure.

- No, I think up.
Yeah, actually, it might
- Clark! Get in the game!
- Oh!
Everything is resting on you!
This is an apocalypse!
Everyone will die! Painfully!
Your relatives! Our relatives! Children!
- Dogs! Cats! Squirrels! Trees!
- [Clark whimpers.]

Rabbits! Baby bunnies! Baby squirrels!
Everything will die! It's on you!
It's now or never!
Thank you all for your help,
however weird it may have been.


No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
- [monitor flatlining.]

- [Satan laughing.]

No! No! I gotta go.

Something terrible is gonna happen
to my dad.
Judy, sorry, I have to go.

- What about our interview?
- We can do it on the way.

With Chamuel gone,
you're gonna need an angel on your side.

- I can even drive.

- Hey, spoiler alert.
Frisbee is an angel.

- No he's not!
- I know.

Just got my dream car, Clark.

She's a sweet ride.

- Is it a midlife crisis car?
- Maybe.

No, thank you.

I'll take my scooter and meet you there.

Let's suit up, Counsel.

- Stop saying that.

- No, you guys.

This is the only place
we know for sure that you're safe.

Stay here.
We'll explain later.

Good luck.

- [Wendy.]
Go well.

- [Clark.]
I love you.

I'm sure your dad's gonna be fine.

This is your midlife crisis car?
I have wanted a lime-green Gremlin
my entire human life.

But I mean, who doesn't, right?
I'm not sure it's a totally common dream,
and I really need to see my Pop.

Can't you teleport or fly or something?
I can teleport between Heaven and Earth
but not with this kind of classic luxury.

- [Clark.]
Are you wearing driving gloves?
- [Frisbee.]
Yeah, with this much vehicle,
you gotta make sure
your hands stick to the wheel.

[horn blares.]

- Please be careful! Watch it!
- Oh, oh, oh!
[tires screeching.]

I have a really hard time
believing you're an angel.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Okay, we're here, kids.

[tires screech.]

- How'd you get here so fast?
- Cut across backyards like I always do.

Cool driving gloves.

- Pop, where are ya?
- [Satan.]
Back here!
Hey, dummies!
How do you know who she is?
She was my date last night.

We were having a really nice time,
and then, out of nowhere,
she said I was stupid and ugly and left.

What have you done with my Pop?
He's in the sauna.
Really sweatin' it out.

Bye, Clark.


Pop, are you okay? Oh, my God.


You know, you're a real assh*le!
What do you expect?
I invented the assh*le.

You dodged that ball.

How about this one, b*tch?
Do something, Frisbee!
- You're the worst.

- [echoing scream.]

Okay, okay Oh
Ah Okay
Okay, just go easy.
Go easy.

Yup, you're goin' up.

You're okay, Pop.
Pop, you're gonna
be okay.
You're gonna be okay.

- Oh, my God.

- Go easy with him.
Go easy with him.

Oh, my God, Pop.

Frisbee, call an ambulance, okay?
Oh, Pop.
I'm so sorry.

Oh no.

This is all my fault.
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