01x07 - The Four Horsemen

[bunniefuu]

["Run On" by Arvid Nero playing.]

You can run on for a long time ♪
You may throw your rock,
Hide your hand ♪
Workin' in the dark
Against your fellow man ♪
But as sure as God
Made both black and white ♪
What's down in the dark
Could be brought to the light ♪
So go tell that long-tongued liar ♪
Go tell that midnight rider ♪
Now tell the rambler, the gambler,
The back-biter ♪
- Tell 'em that God's gonna come down ♪
- Run on for a long time ♪
- Tell 'em that God's gonna come down ♪
- Run on for a long time ♪
Sooner or later, God will cut you down ♪
- [crowd cheering.]

- [medieval music playing.]

[applause and yelling.]

[man.]
Thank you.

My loyal subjects,
tonight is not a night of celebration.

Tonight is a night
of judgment.

[all gasp.]

Golidriyule of Gilgar,
you have humiliated yourself in battle.

What's more, you have bothered me,
your quest manager,
with your constant complaining.

As the eldest goblin of our sect,
I call upon a vote.

Do we banish
Golidriyule of Gilgar
from Gilgarath forever?
- [all yell.]
Aye!
- [laughter.]

So, it is decided.

Golidriyule of Gilgar,
hand me your sword.

[Amily.]
Not so fast.

[all gasp.]

As the current quest champion,
you require my vote.

The vote of Glenwyn of Galganthian.

Now, this poor soul must stay.

Because he literally
has nowhere else to go.

- Like, at all.

- [murmuring.]

- [man.]
Never thought of that.

- If anyone opposes me,
you are much welcome to taste my steel.

[man.]
Not I.

He steals my snacks every week, Amily.

He has to go.

Steve, can you please
stop breaking character?
- [whispers.]
Cut it out.

- [Steve.]
Oh.

Who here opposes me?
You're in character.
Right, Amily?
I mean, it's a simple misunderstanding.

- Oh, yeah.
We're totally good.

- So I still have a ride home?
- Yeah, for sure.
Come on.

- Thank you.

- Ogre!
- Aah!
Prepare to die.

- And so the battle begins!
- [Steve growls.]

- [hisses.]

- [all yelling.]

- [Mohsin.]
Wow, you're good at combat.

- [Wendy.]
You're so fierce.

I really am, you know,
when you watch it back like this.

Usually, I'm on
a combo of Vicodin and steroids.

So I can't really vouch for my actions.

- Really?
- [Amily.]
Oh yeah.

Sometimes I'm like, "I can't believe
my heart's still b*ating.
"
[cheering.]

Suck it, Vernon! f*ck you!
I'm not going anywhere, man.

- Hey, hey.
It's role play.

- Whoo!
- [Vernon.]
Role play, not real.

- Are you okay?
- Sorry.
What?
- Are you okay? You seem distracted.

Oh! Uh, yeah.
No, I
I just keep thinking that
there's gotta be something more I can do
to help out the cause.

I volunteered to do a TED Talk,
and I was impolitely declined.

We tried the skywriter.

They misspelled everything.

I may have been
the weak link in that chain.

May?
- Whatever happened
- It was definitely Tom.

He always misspells everything.

- Um, however it went down
- Tom is clearly at fault.

- Yeah.
It's Tom.

- Guys, I did the mea culpa.

Got it.

In your defense, I mean, you know,
it's hard to throw yourself out there
when Satan is literally trying
to track you down to m*rder you.

That's true.
That is true.

But I feel like somebody smarter,
or braver, or wiser
Clark, you've done everything you've
been asked to do up to this point.

And one good thing did happen.

God saved your dad.

- Using me as a conduit.

- [Amily scoffs.]

Lest we forget.
It's kind of a big deal
when you think about it.

How could we ever forget?
You always harp on about it.

It just feels like you forget.

- [phone rings.]

- Hey, whoa.
Speaking of.

Hey, Pop.
How you doin'?
Say hello from me!
[Pop.]
Clark, where you been?
Well, I told you.
At work.

You told me to leave because it was weird
going to the bathroom
with people that close to you.

Is I can come right back.

Is everything okay?
The food here is k*lling me.

I need our favorite dish to heal.

My mom's recipe.

Yeah.
The perfect roast chicken
with Hasselback potatoes?
No problem.
You got it.

Clark, please.

I wouldn't ask this if it wasn't
No problem.
I'm happy to do it.

Oh, please, Clark.
I wouldn't ask
No, I said yes.

Oh.
Okay Okay, great.
I just, uh
I don't know.

I imagined there would be more pushback.

No, I said yes.
Easy.

Hi, Gene! Hi!
- Amily, is that you?
- Hey.
I'm so glad you're feeling better.

Have you made Amily the the chicken yet?
You know, the chicken's the clincher.

- No.
No, I haven't.
Not yet, Pop.

- Chicken's the clincher.

I will have the perfect roast chicken
for you tonight.

Oh! I can't wait.

Chicken's the clincher.

Yeah.
That's thrice now you've said it.

Goodbye, my precious, wonderful son.

Bye, Gene!
Bye!
Heard about the chicken?
It's the clincher.

- Oh, I hadn't heard that yet.

- [clattering.]

[Amily sighs.]

[Mohsin.]
No way, Tom.

- What?
- You always do this.

It's so weird.
There's so many stalls.

That's really funny.
man.

Look, I've been thinking
I'm stopping you right there.

We're not having a conversation.

If I'm Tom the Baptist,
what does that make you?
First of all, I'm Muslim
[whispering.]
Oh my God,
we're having a conversation.

Okay, so right there.
Muslim.
That's
way different from Christianity, right?
No, not really.
Uh
Look, I can tell you
that Muslims worship God.

And we believe that Muhammad
is his prophet.
Peace be upon him.

Instead of Jesus?
No.
We believe
that Jesus is a prophet too.

But we follow the teachings of Muhammad.

Peace be upon him.
All right?
And it's all the same God.

It's not a bunch of different Gods.

Jews, Muslims, Christians.
Same God.

It's the God that Clark
apparently spoke to in this bathroom.

[Tom.]
Yeah.
You know, for whatever reason,
I thought there were,
like, a million gods?
- Yeah, well.

- [sighs.]
I suppose I'm not that spiritual.

But God did work through me.

Yeah, you've mentioned that to me,
like, 55 million times.

I wanna see if telepathy's
one of my new powers.

Okay, I'm sending you a message
with my mind.
It's a question.

- I'm not getting it.

- Damn it!
Okay, the question was,
do you still go to church?
You mean the mosque.

Uh-hmm-hmm?
A mosque is a place of worship
for Muslims.

Okay, stop treating me like I'm dumb.

- [sighs.]

- Just, do you go or not?
No, I don't really.
I mean, I [sighs.]

I guess I'm kind of like a lapsed Muslim.

You know, I sort of fell away
from religion as I got older,
like a lot of people do.

That's probably why God
was talking to Clark in the first place.

He probably wants to know
how many people still believe.

Wow.
That's pretty deep.

[sighs.]

I suppose I'm having trouble understanding
why God chose to work through me.

Tom.

And I promise you this is the last thing
I'm going to say to you from this stall.

But I think the reason
God chose to work through you
is because you had
a purpose, right, in that moment.

And you were true.

You know,
Clark says that all religions are true.

So it's not that you're
John the Baptist or Tom the Baptist,
or that you're from a particular religion
or a religious guy, it's just
You did something good
in a moment that was blessed.

- Wow.

- Now, please, get the f*ck outta here.

Yeah.
Sure, yeah.

Hey, do you even use the bathroom?
You say you go, like, many times a day.

No.

I use the ones downstairs.

I value my privacy, man.

- Hey, Jack.

- Jesus Christ, Tom.

- Hey, you.

- Hey.

Coffee today?
I didn't think that was your jam.

[laughs.]

Yeah, you know.
I'm just, uh
I'm just trying it.

- Oof.

- Pungent?
It's so coffee-y.

Yeah.
Hey.

I wanted to quickly say that
I thought that it was so sweet
how you decided
to help make chicken for Clark's dad.

Oh.
It's not a big deal.

I mean, the guy was in a coma, you know?
I think he has earned
some magic grandma chicken.

Feels like kind of a big deal though.
No?
I don't know.
I haven't, uh
I haven't tasted it yet.

Not the chicken.

Though that does sound wonderful.

I think I more mean the fact that
Gene is your boyfriend's dad.

- [sighs.]

- You're making him a family recipe.

- It's really wholesome.
It's nice.

- Ew
So have you said anything yet?
A certain three words?
The big three words?
I don't know what three words
you're talking about.

"Is it contagious,"
or "It looks infected"?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
So funny.
You always do this.

You always deflect from answering
my questions which you find tedious.

You're pretty weird.

You're like the weirdest one.

- [laughs.]
I'm the weirdest?
- You're the weirdest one.

I've I've seen weirder,
but you're the weirdest one by far.

Okay, so what?
So sue me for being secretly weird.

I feel like you are getting
weirder by the minute.

You're doing a lot of hand modeling today.

- Oh, it changes.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

- It is.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

- She can move.
Pah.
Pah.

- Oh.
Oh.
Robotic hinges.

- Oil can.

- Pah.
Pah,
- This is what we do.
This is what we do.

- Can!
- For our morning coffee.
Oh, here they go.

- Ch.
Ch.
Ch.

- [laughing.]

- Robots.
Those probably need a little oil.

- [both chuckling.]

- [Clark.]
That's cool.
Hey, um
I thought I might do my chicken journey
if you're still up for it.
No pressure.

No.
I'll I'll totally go with you.

I I only show up to work
to hang out with this one.

[Mohsin.]
I think you're nice too.

I'm not sure of the next best steps.

Let's say they're whatever
you want them to be.

Also, I'm hoping we don't die soon.

Sincerely, Mohsin Raza.

I think it's really sweet that
you're making your dad's favorite meal.

Well, it is pretty perfect.

- I hear it's the clincher.

- [light music playing over speakers.]

- Didn't need leeks.

- Oh.

Hup, hup!
- Okay.
Don't don't need apples.

- Hup.
Hup.

- Don't need apples.
Don't need apples
- Hup.
Oh, one of these?
- Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.

- Ooh.

- Green stuff.
Here you go.

- Thank you.
Thank you, uh
I think I have everything I need.

- Except for the chicken.

- More green.

[chuckles.]
Yeah.
You wanna go
check out the chicken aisle?
- Yeah, sure.

- Cool.

[horses snorting.]

[Clark.]
Ooh, premium chicken.

Ooh!
Oh, I would ask you
not to throw raw chicken at me, please.

I can't make any promises.

[whinnies.]

- [neighs.]

- [rider.]
Yah!
[people yelping.]

[rider laughing.]

- [snorts.]

- Earthquake.

- Oh no.

- [glass rattling.]

- Come on, come on! Yah!
- [Clark.]
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
- [woman screams.]

Go!
[man.]
Get out! Run!
- [Clark.]
Ooh! Let's go!
- [Amily.]
Clark!
- [yelling.]

- [Clark.]
Oh, my gosh! Go! Go!
- [both yelling.]

- [Amily.]
Run!
- [rider.]
There they go!
- [Amily.]
Run!
- [screeching.]

- [yells.]

- [woman.]
Oh! What the hell?
- [rider.]
Easy, easy.

[rider.]
Yah!
[light music continues playing
over speakers.]

So you guys are LARPers?
There's an amazing
cowboy LARPing group up in Malibu
- that I think you would be perfect for.

- We ain't LARPers.
Whatever that may be.

Okay, then what
- [grunts.]

- What the hell are you?
We are the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse, little lady.

Horse people.

I feel you, sister.

Okay, so that would make you
w*r, Famine, Pestilence, and Death.

So, um, pretty cool.

You know, introductions, right?
Uh, you know, 'cause it's just
a little odd to be meeting you.

- I'm Clark.
This is Amily.

- I'm Amily.

I'm assuming, sir, that you are Death?
I'm Pestilence.

- He's Pestilence.
Yes, I was
- I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

- So, uh Death?
- w*r.

- Sorry.
Apologies.

- Yeah.

- So that would make you
- Uh
Death.

I am known as Famine.

- Famine.
Famine
- Cool.

Process of elimination.
You are Death.

- Yes.

- Got it.
Got it.

Our coming has been foretold.

Our beginning
foretells the ending of all else.

- What the f*ck does that mean?
- I think, Amily,
- he's discussing the incoming apocalypse.

- I
That's what you're here to usher in,
I'm assuming?
And, uh, you know, I'm assuming,
because you're here and it's in a store,
uh, we're talking about
kind of a right now situation?
Oh, you're absolutely correct.

[laughs.]
It's gonna be a bloodbath.

- Oh, Jesus.
sh*t.

- Great.
sh*t.

Uh, so, uh
You know, if you don't mind me asking,
what side, uh, are you on?
- Did God send you, or Lucifer
- [Pestilence.]
Enough questions.

We can't bring in the apocalypse
until we bring you in, Clark.

So how's this gonna go? [chuckles.]

The easy way?
Or the hard way?
- [Amily yells.]

- [Pestilence groans.]

- Ouch.

- [Amily.]
Go, go, go.

[Clark.]
Go, go, go! Okay, okay!
- [Amily.]
Eat a sandwich!
- [Clark.]
Gotta go! Oh, my gosh!
Keep the change!
Gonna need a minute, fellas.

[Clark.]
Oh, gosh.
Oh, my gosh.

[crowd clamoring.]

Wow.
This is really serious.

I mean, if the Four Horsemen
are really here, which they are,
that either means
that God is losing the w*r in Heaven
or has lost patience with us.

It does kind of seem like that,
doesn't it? I just
- I wish I could do more to help.

- What are you talking about?
- You're amazing.
You do everything.

- I couldn't help your dad.

Tom helped your dad, and I'm so glad
You took on a Horseman of the Apocalypse,
and you won.

I just wish I could do more
than kick a guy in the d*ck.

Aw.
You're so nice.

I mean,
if this is really close to the end,
I'm just so happy that you're with me.

Me too.

Meaning you.

- Not meaning I'm glad I'm with myself.

- With yourself.

I'm glad I'm with you.

That's what I mean.
I don't know
- [sighs.]

- Maybe it's not the end of the world.

Sometimes the good guys win, right?
I feel the very strong urge to pray.

Oh, you mean like an urge urge?
Oh.
All right.
I'm in.

- Dear God.

- Oh, God!
No wonder Catholics are so cranky.

First of all,
thank you so much for everything.

Secondly, I'm really sorry I haven't done
a better job of getting your message out.

Sorry!
Thirdly, the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse are here,
and things are seeming pretty dire.

It's gettin' weird.

Fourthly,
I don't know what the next steps are.

Fifthly, and I'm sorry, normally people
just go to three, I went to five
But if you could
give us any kind of a sign,
we would really appreciate it.

[banging at door.]

Holy sh*t.
I think it worked.

[banging.]

[crowd yelling.]

I am very disappointed in you, son.

About what now, Mom?
About lying to the world.
That's what.

Your lies are leading to bad things.

There were people pretending to be Riders
of the Apocalypse in the grocery store.

[Clark.]
Those people were not pretending.

Those are the real Riders.

This is a very serious situation.

Preposterous.

They frightened the sh*t out of everyone.

My friend Katharine was there,
and she texted me
a sea of useless, frightened emojis.

I think it's all because of you, Clark,
and I didn't raise you to lie.

Uh Dad raised me, Mom.

[Mom.]
I mean, come on.

What's the secret of the glowing trick?
What? Have you got a remote control
in your backside or something?
Is that the best version of glowing
people can come up with?
Also, I know your father isn't well.

I should go pay my final respects.

Actually, he had a miraculous recovery,
Mom.
So that's great news.

He was a good man.
A good father.

You're not listening to me,
and that is not new.

The only reason I left you two
to your own devices
was because you were always so close.

Who is this?
Oh, this? This is Amily.

Hello, Emily.

It's Amily with an "A.
"
Wouldn't that be Aimily?
I don't know.
I'm not a dictionary,
Clark's Mom.
I know it's pronounced Amily.

My name is Helen.
As in Helen
of f*cking Troy.
Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you for this elixir.
[chuckles.]

Eh.
I like her.

Even though she has shown up
at exactly the same time
that your life has swirled
into a web of deceit and trash,
which is most certainly not a coincidence.

Please tell me
you're not having premarital sex.

Oh, Mom.

I know I haven't been
the best mother to you.

Even though nobody ever
talks about how difficult it is
for the mother to leave.

- Oof.

- But I have to advise you as best I can.

So I'm saying stop lying to America.

And say no premarital nookie.

- [Clark.]
Mom.

- No way.

Absolutely not.
No.

You can tell me that I'm bad and I'm wrong
as much as you want.

You can even deny the apocalypse.

But I'm not gonna let you bring Amily
into your extraordinary brand
of bull-roar.

You have never spoken to me
like that in your entire life.

Well, I've never had the reason to.

But I will not
have you speak that way about Amily.

She's the best of us.

I won't stand for it.

Thanks, Clarky.

"Clarky"?
He's not a porcelain doll, Amily.

I'm going to take my leave
before someone says something I'll regret.

I mean it, son.
Stop with the bullshit.

[kissing.]

[door opens.]

- That's my mom, everybody.

- [door closes.]

C'mon, Wendy.
You've been there forever!
[Wendy.]

Stop lurking outside the bathroom, Tom!
I do not wanna come out in this.

I have mine on.
Does that help or hurt?
Oh, you've got to be sh1tting me.

[Tom.]
What?
Wendy, Council of Clark sweatshirts.

We're official! You look amazing.

Could you stop storming off
and use your words, please?
Okay, fine.
I will use my words.

You can't make Council of Clark into
an acronym and slap it on a sweatshirt,
because it clearly says "cock.
"
Guys, it means Council of Clark.

As Tom the Baptist, I decree them sacred.

So say we all.

There's a small problem with that.

You didn't baptize anybody.

Wh You guys were there.

My single tear fell onto Gene and it
brought him to life.
Therefore, Baptist.

It takes way more
than a single tear to baptize somebody.

- I'd say at least a quarter cup.

- Quarter cup.

- Oh!
- Gosh, we are so in sync.
Thank you.

Okay, who cares? The sweatshirts stay.

They're codified and sanctified and must
be worn by every member of the group.

I'm not wearing it.

It clearly says "cock" on it, Tom.

As a proud feminist, I won't wear anything
that reinforces
the patriarchical upper hand.

- FTP.
f*ck the patriarchy.

- [clicks tongue.]

Am I going crazy?
Cock has a "K" in it.
A "K!"
It's at least cock-adjacent, Tom.

- Yeah.

- It's just letters, guys.

I promise you,
no one anywhere will read this as "cock.
"
Cock.
Cock.

Cock I gotta cock corp Call corporate.

I gotta call corporate.
Cock!
Oh, I like it.

I mean, the chicken is is perfect.

And the skin, perfection.

And the potatoes are nice.

Uh-oh.
The chicken was perfection,
but the potatoes are just nice?
Well, you know,
I'm just saying that it's, uh
It's okay to experiment
with potatoes, you know?
Have a little fun spicin' 'em up.

Well, I mean, in our defense,
we did encounter four evil horse people
- True.

- while we tried to get ingredients.

- And then Mom showed up.

- Mom?
What did she say?
So you wanna skip over
the four evil horse people part?
By the way,
they foretell the coming apocalypse.

- Oh.

- But Mom
Well, Mom was just,
I guess, doin' Mom stuff.

- Oh, boy.

- [Clark.]
Yeah.

- She was not kind to Amily.

- She did not care for any of this.

Oh.
You spoke your mind, didn't you, son?
You know what? I did.

- Good.

- He really let her have it.

[chuckles.]

I appreciate him.

Well, I can't thank you enough
for this delicious meal.

It reminds me of my mom.

[Clark.]
Oh! I'm glad.

Amily, could a man have a finer son?
I don't see how.

My God.
I haven't even
tried the magic chicken.
Okay.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

That is so It's like beyond perfect.

Unbelievable.
That skin.

What did I tell ya? It's the clincher.

It's the clincher.

- [phone rings.]

- Sorry, guys.

- This is a blocked FaceTime.

- [Pop.]
Go ahead and answer it.

It could be the gas company
and they're coming to turn off your gas.

Never pick up a blocked number.

Blocked FaceTime?
- Pick it up.

- [Amily.]
You can't block a FaceTime.

- Do not pick that up.

- Pick it up.

- No.

- Answer the phone.

- Okay.

- [grunts.]

Hi there, dipshit.

Weren't you wondering where I've been?
Well, I'll tell you.

I just got back from k*lling Chamuel.

That's right.

It took a while, but I finally slit
his neck like a turkey, and now he's dead!
And he screamed
and cried like a baby the whole time.

Ooh! Guess what? God's dead too.

- No.

- Yeah!
It's over.
Why do you think
the horsemen were unleashed?
She's lying.

We know you're lying! We're not buying it!
Hi, best friend! You know I'm not.

And now I'm right outside
your little hospital.

Ooh! Hi, doc! Nice scrubs.

Frisbee's stupid Hogwarts spell
can't keep me out of there forever.

And once I get in there, you're all dead.

Then I'm going to t*rture your souls
in Hell forever.

[sighs.]
Okay, I think that's it.

I'll see you soon! Bye!
The gas company doesn't FaceTime.

["Run On" by Arvid Nero.]

You can run on for a long time ♪
You may throw your rock
Hide your hand ♪
Workin' in the dark
Against your fellow man ♪
But as sure as God
Made both black and white ♪
What's down in the dark
Will be brought to the light ♪
So go tell that long-tongued liar ♪
Go tell that midnight rider ♪
Now tell the rambler, the gambler
The back-biter ♪
Tell 'em that God's gonna
Cut 'em down ♪
Tell 'em that God's gonna
Cut 'em down ♪
Sooner or later, God will cut you down ♪
[theme music playing.]

[theme music fades out.]