01x08 - Quitters Never Win, But Winners Sometimes Quit

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "God's Favorite Idiot". Aired: June 15, 2022 - present.*
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A midlevel tech support employee finds love at exactly the same time he becomes the unwitting messenger of God.
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01x08 - Quitters Never Win, But Winners Sometimes Quit

Post by bunniefuu »

When I first wrote about
Clark Thompson, the man who glows,
I had in my mind the inspiration of,
"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
I had a thousand excuses as to why Clark
couldn't possibly be a messenger of God
before I met him.

Because even though I personally
do believe in God and Santa Claus,
seeing true evidence
seemed somehow impossible.

But after meeting Clark
and experiencing his peculiar powers,
I can honestly say
that I do believe in God.

And I do believe
that Clark is his latest messenger.

Whether anyone chooses to believe me
in the face of overwhelming evidence,
including the arrival of the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse, is their business.

But no matter how many clicks I get,
I know this is the truth.

Now this Clark Thompson
even has his friends
pretending to be
the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

It's horsepeople, you d*ck!
I mean,
this madness has got to stop!
I've created a bit of a catchphrase
You might have heard it.

- Right, Reverend.
That's right!
- Only the righteous are right.

- Yeah!
- And it's true.

Only those who believe in Christ
in the correct way are right.

But, Reverend, by that logic,
what do you say
to all the Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus,
and followers of the Jewish faith?
- Speak the truth!
- Jesus saves!
I would advise every single one of them
to convert to Christianity immediately,
unless they wish to burn in Hell forever
- in everlasting torment and pain.

- Amen!
God bless you all.

- That was harsh.

- Oh! That was great.
I have chills.

- Thank you, Satalinda.

- Oh!
It takes a strong man to speak such truth,
don't you think?
Very strong.
Great presence.

- Well
- Trust me.

Oh, well, I do.
For everything.

- And great for ratings.

- Yes.

Listen, we're gonna be
doing some more interviews soon.

I just have a few fires I need to put out.

Maybe start a few too.

- You take care, Margie.

- Uh
No It's Maggie.

God, I like her.
She's good people.

- You lookin' at my cards?
- No, but you need to
- I know.

- Okay, I've got another one.
Four down.

A three-letter word for "hen.
- Hen.

- It fits.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's us.

- Hey! I didn't know you were coming.

- Hi.

Yeah, I, um I asked them.

I figured when Satan is FaceTiming
your fella and threatening to k*ll him,
and t*rture all of our souls for eternity,
it's time to call in the troops.

I'll tell ya something else.
It's not
every day you get to whoop Satan's ass.

- You know? Come on.
Who's with me?
- Whoa, whoa.

- Don't hurt yourself, Tom.

- Tom
Go easy.

Uh And I don't think
you wanna be fighting Satan, buddy.

Tell you the truth, no.
I mean,
that's boss level, hard mode, right?
And I'm really not that good a fighter.

She'll tell you.

You're not great.

I'm also hoping that God is listening
and sees that I'm trying to be really
brave, even though it's quite terrifying.

- Hey, that has to count for something.

- I hope
- Hey, g*ng.

- Oh!
Wait, wait.
This guy's an angel?
- Indeed I am.

- You must be a a mid-level angel, right?
- How did you know that?
- The tie.

Mental note about the tie.

Can you even get any air
with those stubby little chicken wings?
Yes, I can.
But I need a push
to go in a certain direction.

- Are you okay, Frisbee?
- Yeah, I think so.

What about Chamuel?
Satan said she k*lled him.

I don't know.

When I returned, Satan was there.

And she was holding
a sword that had blood on it.

- Oh, God.
Oh my God.

- Oh, no.

But I didn't see Chamuel.

I didn't see Chamuel's body.

And she is known to fib.

But that is not why I'm here.

Guys, I have to tell you, the spell that
is keeping Satan out of this hospital
- It expires at dawn.

- Uh
What? Why?
I'll be straight with you.

- It better not be paperwork!
- It has to do with paperwork.

- Oh my God.

- Oh
- Come on!
- Come on! God!
Oh no.
Something bad.
I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait!
- Come on!
- What?
I have to use the restroom.

- Copy that, buddy.
I'll come with you.

No, thank you.

Look what I got.
Who wants coffee?
- Oh.

- Wow.

Thank you.

- Decaf.

- Cheers.

This is one of your jokes, isn't it?
I'm Famine.

Just having a little
coffee and doughnuts, are we?
- Not doin' the work at hand?
- Oh, we don't take questions from ladies.

- Smack!
- Ah!
Well, now you do, sh*t-mouth.

- Do you know who you're talking to?
- I'm sorry, Satan.

I didn't recognize you in this form.

You're a filthy sewer mouth.

I don't accept your apology.

Why aren't you ushering in the apocalypse?
I mean, you're here, aren't you?
So let's make with the devastation, huh?
We we got orders to come here and begin.

But now we have other orders
to await further instructions.

- And who's giving the orders?
- I Well, I
Answer the question.

Both sides are.

We're here to do the job
as per Lucifer's command.

- He brought us here.

- Uh-huh.

But now the other side
has told us to stand down.

So who are you going to listen to?
Well, we don't know.

The w*r in Heaven's unsettled.

And it's pretty uncertain who the hell
is exactly in charge right now.

We are largely here for the pageantry.

The pageantry!
Oh, listen to you, Miss America.

The pageantry!
Well, well, well.

Your name is w*r!
So which one of you assholes
is gonna burn the f*ck out of the Earth?
Well, could someone help me
get in that building?
Well, it's my understanding that
the structure has been Harry Pottered.

- I guess you're out of luck.

- Shut up.

I'll just go k*ll Clark myself.

That's why I don't date demons.

Hey, what are you doing?
- One stroppy b*tch, isn't she?
- Think so.

Okay, I got this.
Don't worry about it.

How you doin'? I'm Death.

Okay, you haven't got long to go.

You're d*ad.
He's d*ad.

This could really be the end.

- Hi!
- Oh, sweetie.

- You're alive!
- Oh, yes.

Chamuel is with us too.

Though I have seen him in better shape.

Satan lied, honey.

You do know that she used to be
on our side? Perfect angel.

And then she turned.

Now she's a really bad duck.

So happy to see you.
First of all,
without you, there's nothing.

And really wish I'd done a better job
getting your message out.

You could have done better, but you also
could have done worse, you know?
- The skywriter misspelled a lot of words.

- I know.

But that's not the real problem.

The problem is that, these days,
a lot of folks don't really even
care if there's a God at all.

Oh Oh.

Think that would be easier for you.

Not really great with the physical plane.


Clark, the w*r in Heaven
isn't going in the right direction.

It ain't over yet, but if I don't set
my full attention to it,
Lucifer could take over.

And I might not have
a chance to have any say
in whether I'm okay with that or not.

So I'm going to be out of pocket
for a while.

- You'll be on your own.

- Oh.

That's not perfect at all.

Well, it is what it is, you know?
So you need to grab your girl, Amily,
and get out of here as fast as you can,
because I might need you later.


Was Amily chosen too?
Oh, yes.

I brought her to you and you to her.

She's good people.

Anyway, you need to get out while you can.

And then figure out some sort of a way
to get my message across better.
If you wanted to tell me how
to do it exactly,
this would be a great time.

You will know when you know.

- Wanna try something fun?
- Sure.

I'm going to tell you
where you need to go next.

That's so cool!
- Fun, right?
- It's in my brain!
I've gotta scoot and, uh
either save the world or not.

- Cheerio.

- Cheerio.

No coffee this time.


You were in the bathroom
for three and a half hours.

I looked in the bathroom several times.

No one was there.

Well, I was in there.
I was
I was talking to God.

- What? Okay.

- Wow.

Every time I don't follow you
into the bathroom, you talk to the boss.

Why doesn't God just quickly k*ll Satan,
and then we can all go home?
- I don't think it's that easy.

- Oh, gosh.

I think the Lord helps those who
help themselves, so I've heard, and, uh
Well, God told me to run away.

- Oh.

- Yeah, I gotta go.

So, uh, do you wanna run away with me?

I got nothin' else to do.

That's amazing.

Um And helpful,
because, uh, you've been chosen too.

- God said that about me?
- Mm-hmm.

- What?
- That's awesome.

I always knew you had it in you.

Well done.

Oh, what a beautiful moment.

Where's my where's my phone?
- Oh
- Here.

- Here you go.

- Dad
You know, I, uh I might not see you
for a while,
so I'm gonna take this picture.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- I'm so proud of you.

- Yeah.
I'll be in touch, though.

I know.
But you gotta
You gotta do what you gotta do, right?
- It's low.
Raise that camera up.

- Okay, pose for me.

- Pose for me.

- Pretty low.

- With beautiful Amily.

- Lift it slightly.

Stop saying "pose.
- It'd help me feel less posed.

- Just click it.

- I'm only seeing myself.

- Oh, um
- Yeah.

- Wait, what?
- Just press the middle button.

- Flip it?
- No, that side
- No
Back around
and just h*t the center one.

I think my smile's turning weird.

I'm holding it too long.

- Quickly.

- And click.

- Yeah, I know how to use a phone.

- Beg your pardon.

- Hold it up.

- I could make a boomerang.

Got it.

Could you text that to me?
That's your phone, sir.

Oh, right.

I'm sorry.
Can't we all go?
God only mentioned Amily.

I guess that we're pretty much mincemeat
in the eyes of God now, aren't we?
- No.

- We are.

I think I think God
just wants you guys all to stay safe.

That's nice.

Well, what do you think?
Ready to get goin'?
I think I know where we're supposed to go.

- God just implanted it in your head?
- Yeah, I even know the route.

- Which is kind of neat.

- That's very cool.

- Where are you going?
- I can't tell you, Mohsin.
It's not safe.

- God.
You sound so cool saying that.

- And I thank you so very much.

If it's not safe, I'm not letting you
go anywhere.
Not without me.

- I need you to do something important.

- Of course.

Look after my cats.

They mean the world to me.

And just FYI, Skittles loves beer,
and Honey really loves tequila.

Do you give my cats,
like, a lot of alcohol, or
Oh, what do you consider a lot?
I guess any would be a lot with a cat.

- Please don't give them alcohol.

- Oh, sh*t.
The sun's coming up.

Frisbee said we'd lose
our Harry Potter at dawn.

Who puts a time limit
on Harry Pottering stuff?
- Okay, that can't be good.

- No.

- Let's go this way.

- Okay.

Oh, God
- Oh!
- That's a pull.

Yeah, that's a pull!
Let's go.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Sorry!
- Excuse us.

Come on, go.
Come on, come on!
Well, well, well.
It seems the charlatan
shall always run away from the light.

You cannot avert the eyes of AOHN
from your evil ways.

Do you guys actually believe
your own bullshit?

I'm so sorry
that you lost your parents so young.

And I'm really sorry
that your aunt was so horrible to you,
saying that you'd never be worth anything.

That's why you always
pick lint off your shirt,
because she always said you were dirty.

I'm really sorry.

How did you know that?
I've never told anyone that.

Deos te absolves.

God forgives me?
Liquore alais linguia?
You are speaking
a different language.

Am I translating Latin for you?
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.

I've memorized the exit plans.

There's seven exits in total.

Which one do we take?
The front door.
It's the most obvious.

She would never think we would choose it.

I mean, I I think.
Or I'm not sure.

If it's okay,
I'm gonna kiss you right now.

- Ooh! Uh Well, um, that's perfectly
- Okay.

Uh Kids.

Uh, hey.
We gotta go.

- Right.
Imminent death.
Okay, let's go.

- Yeah.

Excuse me! Uh
- Thank you so much for that.

- It's okay.

Oh, no.

Hey, buddy.

It's great to see ya again.

You ready to come join our team?

I am here to watch over Clark.

And that's what I'm going to do.

Even though they don't respect you?
Our side can give you stuff.

All kinds of stuff.

Like a room
full of files
that never ever ends.

- That sounds really good, honestly.

- Mm-hmm.

But you're also the Lord of Lies.

So I'm gonna stay on track, and
I don't wanna hurt you,
but I have been known
I was saying Oof! Oh!

- That stung.

- Frisbee!
How are you taking this much punishment?
It's very impressive.

It's a funny story.
If we could
stop fighting, we could talk about it.

I don't have that time.

But can I ask you something?
- Oh
- Can we always stay friends?
You're so pretty.

I know.

Well, that Frisbee didn't fly.

Oh my God.
Throp, listen to me.

That man that has smashed
on top of that ambulance is an angel.

He's an actual angel of God.

We can't stay here.
It's not safe
for Clark.
So will you help him?
Will you help him?
Somebody help me with that man!
Move! Move!
I think this is all gonna work.

Worked for me.

I'm going to k*ll all of you
and then suck the marrow
out of your souls.

I feel bad for you.

Oh, you do feel so bad for me?
I've seen inside your heart.

You want those other demons
to respect you.

You want for them to look up to you.

You shouldn't be here
finishing off weak mortals.

You belong in the great battle in Heaven,
garnering the ultimate glory.

You deserve to be the one in charge.

That's right.

That's what I see too.

And that's what I deserve.

And that's what I'm going to get.

Come on, Horsemen! Yaaah!
I don't know if we'll make it.

I never wanted to get trampled.

Not exactly on anyone's wish list.

Just go, go, go, go!
Did you just mind-control Satan?
It was like I could see inside her
evil heart
and see the vanity that was in there,
and told her she should pursue
what she really wants to do.

- She did, and it was amazing!
- Thanks.

Hey, stop!
Weren't we supposed to meet Tom here?
You shall not pass!
Guys, they're confused
by my half-nakedness.

- Get the hell outta here! Go, go!
- Thanks, Tom!
Can you drive?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh my God!
Where's his pants?
Okay, demons.

That sword's obviously fake.

- Ha!
- I said don't pass.

I said don't

Why did I take my clothes off?
I hope Frisbee's okay.

Yeah, I I bet he is.

I mean, he's an angel.

That That has to count
for something, right?

- I hope you're right.

- Yeah.

I wanna know, where is Satan?
I don't know.

I can't even get a vibe.
Usually, I
I was hoping maybe
I'd have some kind of feeling about it.

- And I don't.

- Nothing?
But I don't think God would
leave us to deal with her on our own.

I hope not.

I just want everybody to be all right.

I even want God to be all right.


And Chamuel.

Weird times,
when you've gotta pray for the angels.


All I'm seeing on a continuous loop
is Tom in his tiny underpants, so
He really showed up, huh?
- They all did.

- Yeah.

Thank you for coming with me.

Of course.

- Stars shining bright above you ♪
- The Mamas and the Papas.

I I love the Mamas and the Papas.

- They're my favorite after Rush.

- Night breezes seem to whisper ♪
- "I love you" ♪
- I know.

- Birds singing ♪
- How? Did I ever tell you that?
In the sycamore tree ♪
- No.

Dream a little dream of me ♪
Say "nighty night" and kiss me ♪
Just hold me tight ♪
- And tell me you'll miss me ♪
- I love you.

- While I'm alone and blue as can be ♪
- I love you too.

Even though you already knew that.

- Dream a little dream of me ♪
- I knew it.

You know what?
- Maybe everything will be just fine.

- Da, da-da, da-da-da-da ♪

Da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da ♪
Da, da, da, da ♪
Just stop your cryin' ♪
It's a sign of the times ♪
We gotta get away from here ♪
We gotta get away from here ♪
Just stop your cryin' ♪
It'll be all right ♪
They told me that the end is near ♪
We gotta get away from here ♪
Just stop your cryin' ♪
- Have the time of your life ♪
- Your life, your life ♪
Breaking through the atmosphere ♪
And things are pretty good from here ♪
Remember everything will be all right ♪
Right, right ♪
We can meet again somewhere ♪
Somewhere far away from here ♪
We never learn, we been here before ♪
Why are we always stuck
And runnin' from the b*ll*ts? ♪
The b*ll*ts? ♪
We never learn, we been here before ♪
Why are we always stuck
And runnin' from the b*ll*ts? ♪
The b*ll*ts? ♪
We got to, we got to, away ♪
We got to, we got to, away ♪
We got to, we got to ♪
Away ♪
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