01x06 - Ceres

[bunniefuu]

(WATER RUNNING)

MICHAEL: Alright, so you guys

wanna hear the story or what?

- CARMY: Yeah.

- RICHIE: Let's go.

MICHAEL: Hmm? Hmm?

RICHIE: Let's go, let's go.

MICHAEL: Alright, here we go.

Here we go, here we go.

So we're at Ceres, right?

Which was the, the bar at the bottom of

the Board of Trade building, right?

Just this little bar

in the lobby, right?

The thing is, the place opened

at like 6:30 in the morning

so that when traders,

when they lost their ass

when the market opened, they could just,

you know, they could walk over

and just get f*ckin' hammered

in this little f*cking bar.

Anyway, the name Ceres,

it was named after (BURPS)

the Goddess of Agriculture.

- Sorry.

- You and your f*cking stories.

Someone's jealous they

weren't invited, huh?

(SCOFFS) I would not have gone.

You would've f*ckin' gone.

Hey, Carmy, do some parm.

Yeah, I got you. I got you.

Anyway, on top of the building,

there was like a statue

of Ceres and her back,

for all of you historians,

was facing towards the east.

And that's because all the trading

had just moved to the Midwest.

So the architect,

John Storrs, legend has it,

he built this statue It was

like a, It was like a big "f*ck you."

RICHIE: Christ, wake me

up when the story starts

and the f*cking class is dismissed.

MAN: He's trying to tell his story.

MICHAEL: I'm trying

to tell the f*cking story.

So anyway Just let me add this.

Anyway, so, the point is

we're out all night,

we're drunk as sh*t,

we're f*ckin' high as sh*t.

We figured the only place

that's still open,

of course, Ceres!

And being 6:45 in the morning,

we are right to assume that the place

is gonna be a f*ckin' ghost town, right?

- No, no, no. f*ck off.

- Yo, get the f*ck outta here

with those raisins.

Mom always added raisins!

We are not f*cking doing raisins.

Anyway, Cousin, was it a ghost town?

It was not a ghost town.

MICHAEL: Not only

was it not a ghost town,

it was a f*cking rager.

It was f*cking packed!

It was just like. (HOWLS) Right?

All f*ckin' Blackhawk fans,

and, Cousin, who was there?

- Savvy.

- Oh!

- Get the f*ck outta here!

- f*cking Savvy!

- Denis m*therf*cking Savard.

- BOTH: Number 18!

In the house!

- SUGAR: Okay.

- MICHAEL: But not only that.

No, no, no. It does not stop there.

Chelios f*ckin' Belfour, let's go!

- Right?

- SUGAR: Okay, that's cool.

The night before,

Savvy had gotten inducted

into the f*ckin' Hockey Hall of Fame.

We walk into this giant f*ckin' party.

I mean, it's going off, right?

A f*cking brouhaha.

And this m*therf*cker,

he somehow, this curious fellow,

he somehow gets his

hands on What was it?

It was like a, It was like

a Ceres pamphlet or some sh*t?

Yeah, it was behind the bar.

- Right, so he's

- Behind the bar.

MICHAEL: He's reading

aloud about the history

of the Goddess of Agriculture,

and somehow in that process

he somehow decides

that he too has this deep connection

to, uh, to agriculture, right?

So he takes out his phone,

and he starts leaving this

outgoing message, right?

What was the f*ckin' message?

"Hi, you have reached the voicemail

"of Richie Jerimovich,

the Goddess of Agriculture."

- (ALL LAUGH)

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

So f*ckin' stupid.

That sh*t is genius!

So the goddess over here,

he's trying to leave this message,

but he's a puddle, he keeps f*cking up.

It's just getting louder

and louder and louder,

and somehow with all the cacophony

and all the f*ckin' nonsense,

with all the f*ckin' hullabaloo,

we hear this f*ckin' voice ring out,

and the voice says,

"What are you doing?"

(LAUGHS)

Right?

And right in front of us, this guy,

he turns around, who was it?

- Bill Murray! Bill Murray!

- SUGAR: What?

- Of course, it's Bill Murray.

- (ALL SHOUTING)

Bill f*ckin' Murray! He's right there.

Bill f*cking Murray

actually says to Richie,

he says to him, he goes,

"Why are you doing that?"

And Richie says, "Because it's funny."

He f*cking says

that to Bill Murray,

"Because it's funny."

And Bill Murray says, "No, no."

- RICHIE: "No, it's not."

- "That is not funny."

He goes, "Give me your phone."

RICHIE: Yeah, yep.

And then he goes

"What's your name?"

Right?

I mean, Bill Murray says this to me.

The king.

f*ckin' Bill Murray.

Yeah, no, I understand who that is.

If you call me, you can hear it.

- I get it.

- RICHIE: Call me.

- I-I-I

- I still got it.

- I believe you

- It's still on my phone.

I'm good.

- RICHIE: Really?

- Thank you.

You don't wanna hear it?

You guys were at a bar

at 6:45 in the morning?

Uh

Yeah, but, I mea

The, the whole point of it is

(SIRENS WAILING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIZZLING)

RICHIE: Okay, there we

go. That's a good picture.

Checks!

RICHIE: That's better.

She has nice eyes.

RICHIE: She does have nice eyes.

No sense of humor, you know.

- And even worse, Tina, I'll tell you

- SYDNEY: Behind.

even actually much worse,

- it's like she got no

- Behind.

No sense of Chicago history,

you know what I'm saying?

Whatever, other fish in the sea.

See you in another galaxy, puta.

- (TINA LAUGHS)

- Yo, listen up!

Okay, I just yelled like that?

Yeah, make it worth it.

Take this green tape off

before it gets to us.

It takes five seconds,

'cause once it's soapy

and our fingers are pruned,

we can't f*ck with this sh*t, cool?

ALL: Yes, Chef!

Thank you for your time.

CARMY: Two hours to open, Chefs.

Here, Chef, I think

this new dish is dialed.

Great.

- Can we jam on that later?

- It's what we were talking about.

- That elevated

- Later is better for me, Chef.

the risotto with etouffee stock.

Hey, T, watch those peppers.

It's easily adaptable,

we can make it for a great to-go.

Are you saying "risotto to-go" to me?

I am barely convinced we're

ready for to-go at all at this point.

I'm just saying if you should dine in,

dine out, plus we're using ingredients

that are just lying around here.

It's pretty smart, let's just try it.

- I don't understand. It's right here.

- Chef. Chef.

- Chef. Chef.

- You can have a taste.

Hey, listen to me, please.

One, I'm thinking about it.

So hold on, please. Okay?

Two, I know everybody

you used to work for,

I called them before hiring you.

And why'd you do that?

Because your resume is excellent

and this place is not.

Everybody said you are incredibly smart,

you are incredibly talented.

They also said you

are incredibly inpatient

and incredibly green.

Okay, so that's why

my business couldn't cut it,

that's why I'm here, that's why you

That's not what I'm saying, no.

So, so what are you saying?

I'm saying, give me a minute.

Yes, Chef.

Okay. Now, can you make this work

- without ruining the flow?

- Yes, Chef.

Did you talk to Manny and Angel?

- Yes, I spoke with them

- They're gonna have a sh*t-fit

- Already, Chef.

- With the pans, okay?

Now, so you know where I'm coming from.

We have finally gotten this to a place

where things are sort of,

kind of a little bit chill, right?

I would like to hold on to that

as long as I possibly can.

- (DOOR POUNDING)

- SUGAR: God damn it, Carmy!

Hey, did you get it?

What, What exactly is it

I'm-I'm-I'm looking for?

Oh, wow. You are special.

- Yeah.

- You know, there is something

called the Internal Revenue Service

and they collect taxes

from human beings.

I know this, Natalie.

Yeah, and the people in this place,

they haven't given that

government organization anything

in five years.

And somehow I'm a co-owner

in this nightmare

and my home will be seized

if I don't give them some money.

Okay, so I've spent the last few days

on top of my other job and my life

getting all of your documents in order,

so I can reach an agreement with them

to pay a smaller amount.

So I'm gonna need you to go in there

and to get the payroll

records from 2018.

Can you do that for me, please?

- I can do that. I can do that.

- SUGAR: Thank you.

Who's, uh, seizing your house, Shug?

Ugh. The IRS, Rich.

Tax sh*t Yikes.

- You're yikes.

- Yikes.

Okay, go, Carmy.

I know. I know exactly

where it is, alright?

Thank you. f*ck you!

f*ck you!

Wait a minute, it's a f*ck you.

Why the hell would he

organize it like this?

I don't know.

I'll ask him when he's not dead.

(SIGHS)

Ass.

Should I be wearing a gas mask?

MARCUS: No, man, you're good.

Who's that?

Hmm?

Oh, that's Richard Hart.

Hart Bageri in Copenhagen.

That's a bad m*therf*cker.

Cool.

You good, man?

Yeah, you?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, if you need anything,

like whatever, you know.

Like what?

I don't know, like

Ah, f*ck it.

Look, man when I

tried out for the Cubs,

I was playing on the farm team

and they wouldn't put me up,

and I was broke.

And I got pretty good at

figuring out places to stay.

Bro, I'm What? I'm not homeless.

Then what's up with the nest?

Oh, I just started sleeping here

so I could save time on my commute.

I'm just so close

to nailing these donuts

and they gotta be perfect.

Okay, good.

So you're a psychopath, cool.

I just want them to be perfect.

You want perfection, bro?

Start with a shower.

It's not even that bad.

Wait, you used to play

for the f*cking Cubs?

You good?

Yo.

You okay?

Yeah.

It feels weird out there.

Bar closed.

You go there a lot, or

RICHIE: Nah.

The owner and I

don't really see eye to eye.

Huh.

But nice to know it was there, you know.

It was like a fixture.

SYDNEY: Yeah, like Logan

Wicker Pilsen.

Yep.

They all suck now.

SYDNEY: They're different.

RICHIE: Yeah, they are different.

That's why I keep telling you guys,

stop f*ckin' with this place.

You know, you let up a little bit

everything changes.

You know, you don't realize

this is a delicate ecosystem

and it's held together

by a shared history,

and love and respect.

There's this statue

on top of the Board of Trade,

goddess, right?

She has no face.

People are like,

"Where the f*ck's her face?"

An, uh, a-architect John Storrs, right?

John Storrs goes,

"Well, when we put it up there,

"it was the tallest building in the city

"and no one really gonna see her face,

so we didn't bother to put one."

But now, every g*dd*mn building

is taller than the next one

and they all just look out

at this chick with no face

- and it's just

- (g*nshots)

- Yo, what the f*ck?

- (TIRES SCREECHING)

- (INDISTINCT YELLING)

- Yo, what the f*ck?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- Is everybody alright?

- You good?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

RICHIE: Mother f*ck!

- CARMY: Everybody okay, yeah?

- SYDNEY: Yeah.

- Sounds like a p*stol.

- Everybody straight?

RICHIE: The f*ck is

going on around here?

MARCUS: Yo, Richie, don't go out there.

What you doing, bro?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JOHN: It's getting crazy out here.

Hey, yo. Crooked John.

What's up?

You guys see who sh*t up my window?

I didn't see it, man.

It scared the sh*t out of me though.

Sounded like a little marble.

Yeah, right?

Probably some dumbass kid

f*cking with his mom's 22.

Listen, man.

You know, you guys aren't

supposed to be hanging out here.

I asked you to hang out down there.

Yeah, don't call the cops.

John Don't hurt my feelings.

How long have you known me?

Alright, I do not give

a f*ck what you do

or who you do it with.

All I ask is you do it over there

and, you know, keep it

at a reasonable volume.

But we can't chill over there, man.

RICHIE: Why can't you chill over there?

- It's dangerous.

- RICHIE: Dangerous?

But you m*therf*ckers

have weapons on you.

It's a different dangerous.

Construction dangerous.

The vent went cold,

the whole sh*t's gutted.

They're building a Sweetgreen.

Are you f*cking kidding me right now?

You know, the bar's closed too.

It's getting ugly.

Alright, I'll tell you what,

do me a favor, okay?

Ask around, and see if you can sniff out

who sh*t up my sh*t.

- Check Alice. Alright?

- Okay.

In exchange, you guys can hang out here,

but low pro, alright?

I don't want any noise.

I don't want any f*cking

gangster sh*t popping off.

I don't want anything that's gonna

freak out my customers, okay?

- Alright, alright.

- You dig?

- Dug. Respect, alright?

- RICHIE: Alright.

Thanks, pal.

You all heard him. Okay?

Wow, I love coming here.

- RICHIE: Are you okay?

- Hmm, yeah, you?

Yeah. f*ck, I don't even know anymore.

Should we call the cops?

ALL: No.

- They're sweeping glass up.

- I know.

- Tuesday afternoon?

- Sugar.

I'm gonna lose my house.

Don't co-sign for a drug addict.

Forty-five minutes to open, Chefs!

ALL: Yes, Chef.

Keep not processing trauma, Carm.

Dude, what? I can't close.

Yeah, just keep working.

It's like nothing ever happened.

A window got sh*t out,

everybody is fine, the end.

'Cause that's what I'm talking about.

- Natalie.

- Carmy.

You're pissing me off.

And you're pissing me off!

f*cking go.

What?

I didn't say anything.

Did you find, uh, Sugar's

I don't know

No. No, I didn't find it.

Yeah.

Paperwork's not really my jam.

Me neither.

They didn't teach you

accounting at, uh Noma?

They teach you at DeVry?

Yeah.

(SNIFFS)

What is that, oven?

No.

No, it was, um

Michael's 15th birthday party.

Jan-Carlo and Fak got into a fight,

I tried to break it up,

I fell into the barbecue.

Fak.

Is there a name for that thing where

you're afraid of something

good happening

'cause you think something

bad's gonna happen?

I don't know.

Life?

Other night my kid asked me if

my real last name is "Bad News."

Bad News. Like Bad News Bears?

I guess I'm in her mom's phone

as "Richie Bad News."

I go

Tiff, "What the f*ck?"

You know.

She says I'm contagious,

I only call with bad news.

Maybe that's not what

you're talking about.

f*ck, I don't know.

f*ck it all.

Alright, put me outta my misery.

Flip it, T.

Hey, look alive, Chefs, we open.

Ba-da-ra-ka. Let's go.

Alright. Come on,

step right in. Let's go.

Oh, sh*t, it's the man

with the golden d*ck.

How are you, Tom?

Good to see you, bro.

Let me get one beef,

little hot, little sweet, dip it!

Thanks, Tom.

How is that dog of yours, by the way?

Okay, man?

Got the, the thing off,

the cone and everything off?

How are you?

(SCATTING)

(SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING)

TINA: Damn, Chef!

Mm!

Brava.

Thanks, Chef.

CARMY: Alright, Ebra

and Richie are out front.

Tina, you're floating. We

good back here, Chefs?

- ALL: Yes, Chef.

- CARMY: Alright, sh*t.

We better watch the heat

on the stove, guys.

Those chickens are coming

out pretty dark, yeah?

Yo, Sweeps, when was the last

time you cleaned out the grease trap?

- It's getting backed up in there.

- SWEEPS: I'll get to it.

Still dealing with the circuit breaker.

CARMY: Thank you, Chef.

Alright, Chef, you think

now might be a good time

for you to try this?

Yes, thank you for asking.

Yes.

- This one?

- Yes.

It's tremendous, Chef.

Thank you, Chef.

Sauce is a little bit tight.

Yeah, heard, thank you.

Mm! Mm-hmm!

Um, do you think maybe so

- Fire.

- Thank you.

Uh

Maybe we start rolling it out

as a special soon?

- See how it plays.

- It's getting closer, yeah.

How How close?

I told you it was great.

You actually said "tremendous,"

if you remember.

I didn't tell you it was perfect.

Well, yeah.

I mean, you know, I-I like it.

I think it's great and I'll

definitely loosen up the sauce.

- Sydney Sydney.

- Just, you know, I don't understand.

Chef, it's not ready yet.

You understand?

Yes, Chef, I understand.

- Thank you, Chef.

- Thank you, Chef.

Hi, um, these are Cola-braised

short ribs with risotto,

and they're yours.

- Really?

- SYDNEY: Yep, I had an extra.

And I'm Sydney,

if you need anything else.

Well, thank you, Sydney.

SYDNEY: Have a good day.

Hey, Sugar, maybe it's not here.

- No, it's here.

- CARMY: All right.

(EXHALES)

I knew it was dumb to co-sign, FYI.

CARMY: I would've done the same thing.

- You wanna fight?

- Please.

- I know you're mad at me.

- This is just irresponsible.

No, no, no, no. I mean, at your

house, all that stuff you said.

I was annoyed.

Yeah, clearly.

Ah, look, I think the thing

that just pisses me off,

is, is the thing that I'm probably

too embarrassed to admit.

Is that you never ask me how I'm doing.

Like ever.

(SIGHS)

I know it's childish, but

that's why I'm mad at you

I think.

Plus, we never spend

any real time together.

This place is eating

you alive, you know.

You always blame this place.

What do you mean?

CARMY: I mean, you

blame the restaurant, right?

You don't blame Mom,

you don't blame Mikey.

SUGAR: How can I not blame this place?

I just cleaned up sh*t-out glass

and now I'm covered in carbon.

All of our time, money, work,

gets sucked up into this place.

The only thing we get back

is chaos, resentment.

It's bullshit.

Sounds like Mom.

- I'm serious.

- I'm serious.

(SUGAR SCOFFS)

I just want things to be calm.

I just want things

to be on solid ground.

- I-I-I want things to feel

- Consistent.

Yeah, consistent.

CARMY: Yeah.

That's totally reasonable.

SUGAR: Well

I appreciate you saying that.

CARMY: Um

I guess all the time

I feel like I'm kind of trapped

because I can't describe

how I'm feeling.

So to ask somebody else

how they're feeling,

that just seems, uh

I don't know, insane?

(LAUGHS)

Okay.

CARMY: But I'm sorry,

you know, you're um

you're right.

I wanna know how you're feeling.

How are you feeling?

(SUGAR SCOFFS)

Really good.

Just great.

Right.

(EXHALES)

Yo. Yo, is this it?

Uh

- Y-Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just, uh

- sitting in this file labeled

- BOTH: "sh*t."

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey. Checks.

The lowboys look great, guys.

- (INDISTINCT ARGUING)

- Oh sh*t! What's he doing?

- (ARGUING CONTINUES)

- (HORNS HONKING)

What's going on with these edges, Chef?

- You gotta be cleaner than that.

- This Kn*fe is sh*t.

Okay, well, you gotta sharpen it.

When was the last time you sharpened it?

f*ck! Where's my g*n?

Any of you m*therf*ckers take my g*n?

Carmy!

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

What? You know I stay here.

Huh? f*ck me!

He's gonna get him!

Um Uh

Hello. Everyone, uh, thank you so much

for your patronage.

Everything's under control.

Um, please enjoy your beefs.

Focus on that.

Uh, Chicago, am I right?

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Hey, guys!

- (ARGUING CONTINUES)

- Hey! Guys!

Guys! Shut up! Please.

Thank you.

What's going on here?

This isn't his space.

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Yeah, 'cause you're

Hey! Hey!

Can we lower our voices, please?

Thank you.

I'm Sydney, let's start there.

I'm Sydney.

John.

Mr. Carl.

Okay, Mr. Carl and John.

Hello, associates, good afternoon.

Uh

(RICHIE SCREAMS) f*ck!

- We didn't take your g*n, bro.

- f*ck!

sh*t.

You apparently know

Tina and Gary as well.

Great, so now we all

are in various states

of knowing each other.

Cool, okay.

So So, how do we fix this?

Can't be fixed

because this guy's a bitch.

Oh, you f*ckin' said it

for the last time.

- (INDISTINCT ARGUING)

- No! No!

Alright, so we do this every week, yeah?

Sandwiches, civil

conversation, no yelling,

no, no smoking where all the food is.

- You know what I mean, alright?

- Okay.

- SYDNEY: Okay.

- JOHN: Gonna need a pop too.

Wash down the sandwiches.

RC, Green River,

whatever we're working with.

Sure. Great.

Deal only applies to the guys

that's out here right now,

so don't go telling your auntie,

brother, cousins, friends

to come down here every Tuesday, okay?

- Cool.

- Alright.

Cool. Okay, so we good?

Great, you guys take these.

I'mma get more of these.

Wild, man. Stay safe out here, G.

MR. CARL: Hey, fancy now, my guy?

SWEEPS: Yeah, man, real fancy.

This is exactly what happens when you

sweep the Padres but fail the drug test.

MR. CARL: Ooh!

- (LAUGHTER)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's handled.

JOHN: Alright, you think

we can handle this, Mr. Carl?

MR. CARL: Okay.

This f*ckin' goon,

he pulls up again, right?

Tina, now, this is

the third stoplight, right

Let me get, uh, two dogs, two

chickens, four all day, please!

Two dogs, two chickens, four all day.

RICHIE: So finally I roll

down the window, right?

And I'm like, "Guy, take

a breath, it's a f*ckin' Honda,

let's just chill for a second."

Sorry about that, but you're

gonna love this next sh*t.

- Listen to this

- Yeah. I-I-I

- I'm rocking in here, I'm rocking.

- Oh, you rocking?

- Richie, I need you on register

- RICHIE: Yeah, one second here.

Let me just f*ckin' tell this story.

- Richie!

- Just one second here.

- SYDNEY: Richie!

- Yeah, one second.

- Richie, now.

- Yo!

Will you shut the f*ck up for a second!

TINA: Richard, outside! Outside now.

Damnit, I'm gonna

throw some sh*t at you.

You remember, T, this place

used to be cool, man.

TINA: You need to go home and cool off.

- What?

- You need to get outta here.

You are f*ckin' my sh*t up.

RICHIE: Are you f*ckin' kidding me?

I feel like I'm on a different

f*cking planet right now.

My, my game has improved

300% in two months.

This, this place is, is organized,

and, and, and clean,

and, and smooth, and

Yo, I love Mikey.

You know how much I love that kid,

but, this

this is real and alive, and

And what?

And good.

It's good.

RICHIE: Tina.

They're kids, you know.

She doesn't understand.

She's a baby, you know.

Walking around thinking

that she can handle sh*t.

This is a delicate f*ckin' ecosystem!

I don't need this

right now, I really don't.

I cannot f*ckin' emphasize enough

how much I don't f*ckin'

need this sh*t right now.

I'mma quit.

Quit?

And where you gonna go, Richie?

Where you gonna go?

SYDNEY: Alright, let's 86

the ravioli, please, Chefs.

ALL: 86 ravioli, Chef.

- (SYDNEY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Behind you.

MARCUS: On it, Chef.

(SYDNEY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

SYDNEY: Alright.

(SYDNEY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

("LAST TRAIN HOME"

BY JOHN MAYER PLAYING)

If you wanna roll me ♪

Then you gotta roll

me all night long ♪

(SYDNEY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

And if you wanna use me ♪

Then you gotta use me ♪

Alright, can I get two chicken,

three beef, all day, please?

CHEFS: Two chicken,

three beef, all day, Chef!

SYDNEY: Thank you, Chefs.

I even wanna know

what happened out there?

No, you do not.

I just gave some people some leftovers.

Listen, uh, I'm sorry if

I was shitty earlier today.

It's all good.

- CARMY: Yeah?

- Hmm.

Can I get two more

chicken and peppers, please?

With greens, that's four all day.

Can I hear four all day, please?

CHEFS: Four all day, Chef!

SYDNEY: Thank you, Chefs.

Yo, there's VIP on 21,

it's Tom Skilling!

So can I get a dessert drop, please?

Yo, Marcus, you hear me?

- MARCUS: Hmm?

- SYDNEY: Dessert drop.

- Yes, Chef.

- Say it back. Please, Chefs!

Okay, we got four beefs here.

We need 'em out front, please.

I love this tempo though.

Let's keep it up.

Let's take it up another level.

More urgency, please.

- Can I get hands, please?

- CHEFS: Hands.

Chef Sydney, three chicken up.

Thank you, Chef.

Can I get hands, please?

CHEFS: Hands!

No matter how you work it ♪

Things go wrong ♪

It don't belong ♪

So if you're coming

with me, let me know ♪

Maybe you're the last train ♪

Maybe you're the last train home ♪