01x02 - Command Performance

[bunniefuu]

(door chimes)

Come in.

Good day, Captain.

Bortus. How are you?

I apologize for intruding
upon your work.

Oh, no, it's fine.

What is that?

That is, uh,

Kermit the Frog.

I do not recognize the species.

It's an amphibious life-form from Earth.

Is it someone you know?

No, no, he's just a leader I admire.

Always keeps his cool

in a crisis,

inspires greatness in his people.

He's...

So, what can I do for you?

Sir, I wish to request
a leave of absence.

For what reason?

I have laid an egg.

(chuckling): You...

What do you mean, like
you told a bad joke

or something? Like, what?

No, sir. Moclans reproduce
by laying eggs.

Klyden and I

are going to have a child.

Bortus, that's great.

Congrats. My God.

- You lay eggs?
- Yes, sir.

Wow. You know, I always wondered

how a single-gender species
populated itself, but...

Are-are they big? They big eggs?

They are somewhat large. Yes, sir.

Amazing.

Um, well, yeah, take all
the time off you need.

The gestation period is
approximately 21 days.

And you sit on it?

You sit on the egg?

Yes, sir.

Wow.

Well, listen, tell Klyden congrats,

and, uh, if you got one more in you,

dibs on the omelet. (laughs)

Sir?

Sorry. Bad joke.

Yes.

Bad "yolk." (laughs)

You know, I'm-I'm just not gonna try

at comedy with you anymore.

I will return to my quarters.

Okay.

(sighs)

(exhales)

I want eggs now.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Eggs?

That's what he said.

Moclans reproduce by laying eggs,

which I never knew.

Well, where does it come out of?

The butt?

You know, John, I didn't really pry

into those kinds of specifics.

How's that not the
first thing you ask?

(signal chimes)

Captain, we are receiving
a distress signal.

Coordinates 8-3-0-4-9-3-4.

A transport ship has been att*cked

- by the Krill.
- How far away?

With quantum drive at maximum,
six minutes, 21 seconds.

Alara, send a message we're on our way.

Gordon, get us there
as quick as you can.

Aye, sir.

Approaching the transport,
sir, it's the USS Bleriot.

Let's see it.

Looks like they took
a hell of a b*ating.

Scan for life signs. How many
passengers are on board?

Captain, the ship is
already scanning us.

They are?

That's weird.

That's like a jinx, right?
They owe us a Coke.

Alara, hail them.

Channel open.

Bleriot, this is Captain Ed Mercer

of the USS Orville... do you read me?

Captain Mercer, we've been
raided by a Krill destroyer.

What is the status of your vessel?

Our injured are being treated,

but we're in need of extensive repairs.

I can hear you, but visual
is a little patchy.

That's why we scanned your ship.

All right, send us a manifest
of everything you need

- as soon as you can.
- Sending now.

And, Captain, it so happens
we're carrying two passengers

whom you know.

Eddie, is that you?

Mom?

Hey, buddy. Surprise, huh?

Yeah, it is. Dad, are you guys okay?

- No, no, we're okay, fine.
- We're okay.

We all just got a bit
of a scare, that's all.

Yeah.

Well, except for your father.

Yeah. I-I slept through
the entire att*ck,

and I just woke up a little while ago.

You know, a little too much
of the sauce last night.

Mom, Dad, what the hell are you
guys doing on the Bleriot?

Well, your father and I wanted

to spend the weekend on Deneb 3

- with the Petersons.
- With the Petersons.

We're receiving the manifest now.

- Who's that?
- Is that Kelly?

Yeah.

Hi, Mrs. Mercer. How are you?

I'm fine. You know, uh, Eddie tells us

you're just a wonderful first officer.

I'm-I'm glad you two are friends again,

after the, um, infidelity.

- MR. MERCER: Okay.
- Yeah. No, no,

we're... we're fine.

- Was it worth it?
- Aw, Jeannie...

just drop it, huh?

A honey like that, a couple of flies are

gonna get through, okay?

Uh, guys, you-you remember Gordon?

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. M.

Is that Gordon?

It's me, yeah.

Oh, okay, well, tell him I said hi.

- He just heard you, Dad.
- Hi.

- Who's that?
- That's Gordon again.

Eddie, how's your stomach?
Is it still bothering you?

Uh, it-it's fine, Mom. It's-it's okay.

Did you get the colon scan?

I-I will. I will get it.

Listen to me. You get the colon scan.

Do you understand me? Because
if you get the divert...

- Man, what is that?
- Diverticulitis.

Diverticulitis, like I
had, that's not a picnic.

What is it you got stuck in there?

A sesame seed.

- A sesame seed in his colon!
- In the colon.

Yeah. It-It just gets stuck in there,

because there are folds, you know?

Yeah.

And it burrows in
there for the winter,

- and you got yourself an inflammation.
- Oh, God.

Hey, you know what, guys?

We're just gonna come over there, okay?
How does that...?

Right, Kel? You haven't seen
Mom and Dad in a while...

I haven't seen them in ages, yes.

- Great!
- Yeah.

Much better if we go
down there and help out.

Great, much better, great.

So we'll see you in a bit, okay?

Get the scan.

Oh, my God.

- Alara, you have the conn.
- Aye.

Wait, what?

You have command while we're gone.

Well, what about Bortus?

Bortus is in his
quarters warming an egg.

That makes you the
ranking bridge officer.

Oh, yeah, but... I've never, um...

KELLY: Wait,

this is your first time in command.

Yeah, so maybe someone else should...

You got this, okay?

You wouldn't be allowed
to wear that uniform

if you weren't qualified.

We trust you.

Yeah.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, hey, uh, sorry about
my parents, everyone.

They're, um...

My colon is fine, by the way, there's...

Yeah.

(door whooshes open)

(door whooshes shut)

Your mother hates me.

- She does not hate you.
- Oh, yes, she does.

She does not. She hated you
a little bit after the...

the thing.

You can tell me, you know.

I mean, we never talked about it.

- What'd she say about me?
- It's nothing too terrible.

- You can tell me. Just be honest.
- It wasn't that bad.

- Be honest.
- She once called you a bitch

46 times in one sitting.

Wow.

Yeah, the people at the
next table complained.

But, look, Kel, it doesn't matter.
You know?

That's the past... you and I
were a lousy match, movin' on.

Maybe. We never really got
the chance to find out.

Well, that's what happens when
you let a blue alien bone you

while your husband's
at work, isn't it?

Don't be a jerk.

In no way am I trying to be a jerk.

Honestly, Kel, most guys
would hold a grudge

for something like this... I
think you did us a favor.

I really do. In fact, you know what?

I want to thank you for your infidelity.

Look, all I'm saying is that
if you hadn't been so absent,

and I hadn't... done what I did...

maybe it could've worked.

I say this with all due
respect... you are high.

Well, since we are seeing your
mother, that's not a bad idea.

What are you doing?

- (beep)
- One cannabis edible.

ED: Oh, my God. Seriously?

You're kidding with that, right?

Just in case.

What the hell?

What is this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

- Guys!
- Isaac!

The transport... what happened to it?

Scanners show no sign of the ship.

It appears to have been a
holographic projection

of some kind.

- What about the boarding party?
- Searching.

Scans show no life signs.

They are gone.

I don't understand, how
can they just be gone?

John, wha-what about
long-range navigational scans?

I'm checking right now.

There's-There's nothing out there.

Not a damn thing.

(panting)

Commander, the captain... Oh, God.

Is it not customary
to request permission

before entering someone else's quarters?

- It is...
- I am brooding my egg.

It is a private time for a Moclan.

Sir, I am so sorry,

but the captain and the
first officer are gone!

Gone? Where?

We don't know.

We got a distress call
from a transport ship,

and once they boarded it, the
whole thing just disappeared.

Who is in command?

I am.

Then, if they are alive,
you must find them.

Sir, if you could just
come back to the bridge.

The captain never would
have left me in command

if he had any idea that this...

I cannot leave my egg.

For how long?

For 21 days.

I am sorry, Lieutenant.

I will not risk the life of my child.

You must remain in command.

One sh*t of Xelayan tequila.

Okay.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

You're okay. You're fine.

You gonna throw up? You gonna throw up?

No. You're all right.

(gags)

(retching, coughing)

Lieutenant, you all right?

Yes! Yes, yes, I'm fine, Ensign...

- Parker.
- Parker. Ensign Parker.

Sweet. Go away now.

Oh.

(sighs quickly)

Isaac, any sign of the boarding party?

Negative, sir. Status unchanged.

GORDON: Sir, there's nobody over there

to pilot the shuttle back to us,

but I can bring it over by
remote guidance, on your order.

Got it.

Is... is the order given?

Yes.

Absolutely do that.

Aye, sir.

And good job...

with that remote thing.

Thanks.

Sir?

Doctor. Hi.

Any word?

No, nothing yet.

What's next?

What's next... is...

we should

lock a tractor beam onto the buoy

and bring it into the shuttle
bay to examine it for clues.

We got Dora the Explorer
runnin' the show here.

Shh.

Lieutenant Lamarr, do you
want to say something?

No, sir.

Good. Lock onto the buoy.

Sir, I would advise against
that course of action.

We are not familiar with
its defense mechanisms.

It's our only chance to find our people.

Lieutenant, lock on.

Aye, sir.

Locked on and pulling her in.

Bridge to shuttle bay.

Prepare to receive buoy.

Copy, bridge. Opening bay doors.

Sir, I'm reading an energy
buildup within the buoy's core.

Can you identify it?

- It is...
- (alarm sounds)

Sir, deactivate the tractor beam!

(expl*si*n)

(grunting)

Get those doors shut!

ISAAC: All sections reporting.

Structural damage is extensive,
injuries are numerous.

I'll be in sickbay.

Bortus to bridge.

What is happening?

We, uh, took a little jolt,

but we're in one piece.

Is your egg okay?

It is intact.

However, such impacts are not

conducive to egg brooding!

Sir, hull integrity has been compromised

- in the shuttle bay.
- I'm going down there.

Sir, if I may, your
place is on the bridge.

I'm going down there!

Think they'd give me three weeks off

to sit on an egg?

(electricity crackling)

Chief, was anyone
injured in the rupture?

A few minor injuries, but
the force field snapped on

like it's supposed to.

Gonna take a few days
to patch up, though.

Look, whatever additional power,
resources you need, whatever,

you've got it.

I appreciate that,
kid, we'll be all right.

(device beeping)

- Ensign Parker, what happened?
- (grunts)

Wrong place at the wrong time.

Will he be okay?

Well, he won't be running any marathons

for a couple of days,
but he'll be all right.

Doctor, can I talk to you in private?

Sure.

I can't do this.

- You mean command the Orville?
- Yes.

I wasn't in that chair ten
minutes, and I almost

destroyed the entire ship.

What if someone had been k*lled?

But you didn't. And they weren't.

You're the ship's doctor.

You're the only person who can
relieve an officer of command.

Can't you just come up with
some reason that I'm unfit?

Tell them I'm a drug addict, anything.

Just get someone to replace me, please.

No, I will not do that.

But I will give you some advice.
Now, sit.

Command is all about the balance
between inspiring confidence

in your leadership and knowing
when to trust your people.

You got scared out there today.

Scared that they didn't respect you.

So you ignored Isaac's advice
in order to appear in control.

Now, the question is, did
you learn from this error?

I'm willing to bet that you did.

Will you help me?

I'm not gonna whisper the
right answers in your ear,

but I'll try to be your
Obi-Wan however I can.

My what?

Never mind.

♪ ♪

What is this?

It's...

our old apartment.

In New York City.

This is impossible.

It's exactly like I remember it.

Look at this.

This is the one from my office.

I took it with me when I moved out.

We couldn't have been sent back in time?

I mean, that's... that's crazy, right?

(keypad beeping)

The door's sealed.

KELLY: Here.

(both straining)

It's okay, I got it, I got it.

- Oh! Oh!
- Ed, are you okay?

- Yeah, no, I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

I'm fine. I'm fine. All good.

(inhales)

Kel, where the hell are we?

Lieutenant, I believe I have something.

What is it?

My analysis of our
scanner logs indicates

there was a concentrated pulse
directed away from the buoy

at the moment of the incident,

traveling along this trajectory.

What do you think it was?

I cannot be certain,

but I believe it may have been
a form of molecular transfer.

You think they may have
been transported somewhere?

If so, there may still be
residual traces of the pulse.

I will need to divert power
to the forward scanners

to conduct a long-range search.

We're already on emergency power.

All hands, this is Acting Captain Kitan.

Emergency power will be
temporarily rerouted

to the scanner array
until further notice.

(over intercom): Newton to bridge.

Kid, you got to be joking.

You reroute power, and this ship's

not gonna be goin' anywhere.

Chief, unless we know where

the captain and the
commander were taken,

there'll be nowhere to go. Oh, and it's

"sir," not "kid."

Just a friendly reminder.

Aye, sir.

Dora the Explorer got some balls.

Good ones. Good balls.

(grunts): Crap!

What about the window?

I mean, we're a hundred stories up.

What are we supposed
to do, scale a wall?

Yeah, good point.

So, what do we do now?

Survival.

I mean, as long as we're
here, wherever here is,

we better make sure that the
food synthesizer works.

At least we won't starve.

Look at this. It's my favorite robe.

I haven't seen this in two years.

By the way, this was an inspired idea.

Of course, if there's anything
in the food, we're screwed.

Yeah, I kind of doubt
whoever brought us here

went through all the
trouble just to poison us.

(pulls cork from bottle)

Mm-hmm.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

(fork scrapes plate)

Ed...

you think the Orville knows we're alive?

You think they're even looking for us?

Well, we better hope so.

I left Alara in command.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, she's smart,

but she's really green.

I know.

I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

Do you, uh, do you want
the bed or the couch?

Hmm.

You take the bed. I've
had so much to drink,

I think I'd die at that altitude.

(chuckling): Okay.

And if we're still here tomorrow,

we can move on to that brownie.

Hey, wait, do you...

do you remember that time
that Jeff and Maureen

invited us to the opera?

(laughs) Oh, my God, yes.

And you knew I hated opera, so
you made me smoke that joint

before we left.

I'm so sorry, that was
supposed to be mine.

- I gave you the wrong one.
- Your weapons-grade weed.

- Yes, I remember it very well.
- (both laugh)

And it kicked in when
we got to the theater,

and I became convinced that I was...

That you were gonna be paralyzed.

That I would be paralyzed
if I stayed seated

- for longer than two minutes.
- (laughs)

Oh, my God.

And remember, you bashed the
hell out of Maureen's head

- when you jumped out of your chair?
- Oh...

(laughs)

God, the size of the bruise

on her face was just epic.

Was that when they stopped
hanging out with us?

- Oh, yeah, they were done with us.
- Yeah.

That... well, you know, they sucked.
Who cares?

They totally sucked. Why did we

- hang out with them?
- I thought you liked them.

- I hated them.
- You hate...

That was the only reason that I
tolerated... You-you hated them?

Yes. I mean she never shut the hell up,

and-and he smelled like sausage.

Well, then, you know what? I'm
glad I hit her in the head.

(laughs)

That makes two of us.

Mm.

♪ ♪

I... you know, this-this
feels like a dream.

Being here, in this place.

It's like the last year never happened.

(sighs)

I was just thinking the same thing.

I might have been wrong...

about what I said in the shuttle.

Maybe things could've been different.

Good night.

Sir, I believe I have
pinpointed the destination

of the subspace pulse.

Let's see what you've got.

(alert beeping)

Oh, no.

Absolutely out of the
question, Lieutenant.

But, sir, if there's any chance
that they're still alive...

That sector

of space is off-limits, no exceptions.

Sir, please, if we could just...

Lieutenant, you're young,

so I'm going to overlook the fact

that you are questioning a direct order

from a fleet admiral.

We have reasons for
keeping our ships away

from that star system.

The Calivon are a very

technologically advanced race.

And they view any species at
a lesser technological level

as inferior.

In the way a sentient being
might view an animal.

We do not want to
engage them in any way.

But what about the captain
and the commander?

Lost in the line of duty.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

As soon as your repairs are complete,

your orders are to return to Earth

where the Orville will be assigned

a new captain and first officer.

- Tucker out.
- (beeps)

(breathes slowly)

CHILD: Hey. Wake up.

Wake up!

(snorts softly)

Hey.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, can you tell me where I am?

'Cause honestly...

(child laughs, Ed grunts)

CALIVON MOTHER: Nidal.

Come on, let's go see the Krill.

Mama, I want to see the Moclans.

If we have time.

Come on. Let's go.

Hey. Hey!

What's going on here?

Where am I?

Hey, talk to me!

MALE: You're wasting your breath.

You don't matter to them.

Who are you?

What is this place?

Looks like they finally
filled that slot.

How's it going, new guy?

Ed?

What is this? What's going on?

I...

Answer my question.

Where are we?

A smart one, isn't he?

Take a look around you, friend.

You're in a Calivon zoo. (laughing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

See, their buoys

can scan your computers
and then instantly

generate a customized holographic lure.

As soon as you bite,
you're transported here.

Like leaving an animal trap in the wild.

It even knew to make my
dad talk about his colon.

That's an advanced technology.

They recreate your

natural environment based on
the data they've collected.

Once you're acclimated, whoosh!

The wall goes up and
you're the newest exhibit.

They got lucky with you guys.

Usually they don't get two for one.

(scoffs)

Our natural environment.

What about him?

He's only a child.

What's your name, sweetie?

Baral.

Yeah? How long have you been here?

Where's your mommy?

I... don't know.

SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN: He got
here a few weeks after I did.

I've been here eight months.

What the hell kind of people
do something like this?

FURRY ALIEN: They're Calivon.

They think any technologically
inferior species

is theirs to do with as they please.

We're... interesting and fun to watch.

Weird as that sounds.

It's not that weird.

There was a time where
humans imprisoned animals

for entertainment.

It wasn't intended to be cruel.

We just felt, as the higher
species, we had the right.

Yeah, well, that was
hundreds of years ago,

so you tell me who's more advanced. Hey!

- We are not your Shamu!
- (force field hums)

I told you, they don't care!

There's got to be a way out of here.

I mean, that... that child
belongs with his parents.

Why don't you ask Ock'or?

Who's Ock'or?

The big guy to your left.

You can't see him from where you are.

♪ ♪

(snarling)

He's been here 31 years.

In other words,

there's no way out.

♪ ♪

Well, that's the last of it.

Weapons and quantum
drive are back online.

All departments show green, sir.

Repairs are complete.

Set course for

the Calivon system, sir?

No.

Set course for Earth.

Wait, what?

What?! What about Ed and Kelly?

My orders are clear.

The captain and first
officer will be declared

lost in the line of duty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

What the hell are you talking about?

The Calivon system is off-limits.

Return us to Earth.

Alara, that is a cold-blooded order,

and you can shove it up your ass.

Lieutenant, you're relieved of duty.

Get off the bridge.

Lieutenant Lamarr, carry out the order.

Yes, sir.

(electronic beeping, trilling)

Claire?

Alara. Come on in.

They hate me.

The entire crew hates me.

I mean, can't they see
that I'm just as upset

about this as they are?

I mean, Kelly is my friend.

For God's sakes, I'm just following

Admiral Tucker's orders.

And the admiral's right.

To put the entire ship

in danger to rescue two officers
who might not even be alive?

No,

he gave the proper order.

So you don't think we should go either?

I didn't say that.

Alara,

everything that you've dealt with,

up until now, is child's play.

This is command.

You have a choice.

Follow orders and accept that
the crew will hate you for it,

or disobey orders and
go after our people.

But, if you take that kind
of risk and you're wrong,

you could destroy your career.

Or worse.

(inhales deeply)

(indistinct conversations)

♪ ♪

Xelayan tequila, double.

(softly): Thanks.

(inhales sharply)

Hi.

Can I sit here?

You can sit wherever you want, sir.

Okay, uh, thanks.

Guys, please.

I had no choice.

Permission to speak freely, sir?

Yes, of course.

You know what the most
heinous thing about this is?

If the captain were in your shoes,

he would've gone after you.

He would've risked his career

to save your life.

You suck.

Sir.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

I have been given a direct
order from the Fleet Admiralty

to abandon the search for Captain Mercer

and Commander Grayson.

But as far as I'm
concerned, they can bite me

because we're going anyway.

- (cheering)
- GORDON: Yeah!

Whoo! Yeah!

Gordon, John, how fast
can you get us there?

As fast as you want, sir.

You're the captain.

- (cheering and applause)
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Approaching the border
of Calivon space, sir.

Kids, roll the windows up.

Okay, now comes the dicey
part, so everyone listen up.

We can't just waltz into
Calivon space in a Union ship,

so Isaac's been working on a plan.

In sifting through the debris

that collided with our shuttle bay,

I was able to analyze a
fragment of the Calivon

holographic generator.

I believe we can use their
own technology against them.

We can make it appear as
though we are a Calivon ship.

But it will take every ounce
of power we can spare,

so all nonessential systems
will need to be shut down.

Now, once we reach the
planet, Isaac becomes key.

As he loves to remind everyone,

his home world of Kaylon is
technologically superior

to the rest of us.

Intellectually as well, sir.

Right. Thanks.

Kaylon is comparable in that
area to the Calivon themselves,

which means they should
be willing to talk to us

as long as he's with us.

White dude can go to Compton

long as the black guy says it's cool.

I have no idea what that means, but yes.

If they'll speak to us, we
have a chance of finding out

what happened to our people.

Everybody ready?

Isaac, give us a makeover.

- Yes, sir.
- (beeping)

(electrical buzzing and humming)

♪ ♪

Approaching Calivon system.

Take us in.

Nice and easy.

Calivon patrol ship approaching.

They are scanning us.

Nothing out of the ordinary here.

They are moving on, sir.

- (computer beeping)
- I am detecting two human life signs

on the planet's surface.

- Is the shuttle ready?
- Yes, sir.

All right. Let's go.

- Oh, Claire, I have bad news.
- What's wrong?

You're the ranking officer,
which means you have command.

Enjoy.

Son of a bitch.

(spoon clattering in bowl)

(clattering continues)

Hey.

Do you want to not do that, please?

- What?
- We lived together long enough.

You know I do not like listening
to people eat cereal.

It's morning. I'm eating breakfast.

You know, you should try
eating in the morning

instead of drinking.

It's neat.

I'm having a beer.

Yeah, at 9:00 a.m.

Which, in case you don't remember,

is something that I do not like.

I'm doing something that the Germans...

"The Germans have been
doing for centuries," yes.

You love that one, don't you?

Well, guess what. You're not German.

Well, you're not Franken
Berry, so shut up.

You know what? It is all
coming back to me now.

Oh, what, Kel? What is, what is

- all coming back to you now?
- Us.

Living together. All the
things that sucked about it.

Yes! This is exactly what I
was saying on the shuttle.

Do you remember? And you said no.

I said, "We were a bad match."

Okay? I am just as miserable
with you as you are with me.

Well, great, finally some common ground.

Some common ground
between the two of us.

Some common ground.

- Thank God.
- ALARA: Captain.

Alara?

Alara, what are you doing here?

Getting you out.

God, am I glad to see you.

Sorry about my breath.

Wait a minute, you...

you couldn't have gotten Union
clearance to come here.

No. We took a little field trip.

Well, I wish we could tell you
how to get us out of here,

- but, honestly, we have no idea.
- It would be reasonable

to assume that if this is a zoo,

there must be a zookeeper.

(digital trilling)

- (door chimes)
- Come in.

Well, hello there.

They told me we had a Kaylon
visitor here at the zoo.

Welcome.

- Good day, sir.
- What brings you all the way out here?

Besides the fact that we have
the widest variety of species

on exhibit anywhere in the sector?

There is a matter I wish
to discuss with you.

If you're gonna try and sell
me that Xelayan female,

I've already got one.

She is not for sale.

She is... my pet.

Woof.

ISAAC: However, I would like to

speak with you about the humans.

Oh, aren't they wonderful?

They're brand-new.

The visitors are loving them.

I must inform you they are
the property of another zoo,

and were taken illegally.

Well, they should've been
kept on a tighter leash.

Not my problem.

I'm afraid they were in
the midst of treatment

for a very rare disease
they are carrying,

one that could infect

- your other species.
- You're kidding.

I am Kaylon. We do not kid.

We would be happy to take
them off your hands.

Damn it.

I don't believe this.

This is the administrator.

Initialize euthanasia sweep

of unit 484.

(alarm blares)

Uh, Kel?

What's going...?

What... what the hell is that?

I don't think we want to find out.

Oh, boy.

We're in trouble.

Wait, what do you mean
"euthanasia sweep"?

Would it not be simpler to
allow us to take the humans?

We have a strict non-contaminant
policy that's helped us

avoid any epidemics among the exhibits.

I'm sorry, but even handing them
over to you would risk a breach.

Don't worry,

their deaths will be painless.

Uh...

In here.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, crap. Uh...
- Oh, no.

Isaac, I need to talk to him.

Make him talk to me.

Sir, I would like you to listen

to what my Xelayan female has to say.

(chuckles)

You want me to talk...

to her?

Is this a joke?

All right, just stay calm.

Oh!

I know it is absurd,

but if you will indulge me momentarily,

I would be most appreciative.

Okay.

Talk, Xelayan.

Thanks, d*ck.

Okay.

Why do you run this zoo?

So our people may view different species

in their natural habitats.

What if I were to trade you

something that would be

far more valuable to you?

Something irresistible?

And what might that be?

- Uh...
- Oh, God.

No, no, no. Uh, uh...

I'm going to the bathroom to read!

What the hell was that?

It was Elvis Presley's last words.

It was all I could think of.

♪ ♪

And for outstanding courage, valor,

and resourcefulness, in the
finest Union tradition,

I hereby present you,
Lieutenant Alara Kitan,

with the Sapphire Star.

(cheering and applause)

♪ ♪

Alara, you did great.

Kelly and I owe you big-time.

Let's just hope Admiral
Tucker sees it that way.

Don't worry, Ed and I will cover you.

Yeah, we're a pretty crappy couple,

but we're awfully good
with office politics.

Hmm.

And this little guy was the
best part of the bargain.

You excited to see your mommy and daddy?

- Yes.
- Yes.

STEVE: You know, a lot of
us are wondering exactly

what it is you gave the Calivon.

It was Lieutenant Malloy's idea.

He guided me

to a very old, very obscure section

of Earth's cultural database.

I'm just here to serve.

They wanted a human zoo.

I gave 'em one.

TERESA GIUDICE (on TV):
I am paying attention.

Obviously there has
to be something else.

It's just not name change and arrested.

There has to be something else.

Are you stripping?

- You were stripping.
- I was arrested!

Prostitution whore.

You were (bleep) engaged 19 times?!

You (bleep) stupid bitch!

(bleep), huh?

(clattering)

(woman yells indistinctly)

The Bachelor.

Duck Dynasty.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

There must be 10,000 files here.

What is this reality television?

The best exhibit we've ever had.

♪ ♪

(cracking)

Klyden.

Come.

(baby cooing)

It is...

a female.

That is...

impossible.