13x04 - Something Narwhal This Way Comes/C.H.U.M.S

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

all:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

all:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

[upbeat bluegrass music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Doy!

Bwah.

I hereby franchise this planet

in the name of the Krusty Krab.

[laughs]
[loud rumbling]

Oh!
[whimpering]

Ah.

Didn't you hear that?

Wake up!

[loud rumbling]

[whimpers]
Gary,

I think there's
someone in the house.

- [yawns]

- Aah!

[loud crash]

It's coming from downstairs.

I'm scared,
but we got to go down there.

- [meows]

- Yes.

- [meows]
- Yes.

- [meows]
- Yes.

- [meows]
- Yes.

- [meows]
- Yes!

- [laughing evilly]

- [shuddering]

Okay, Gare Bear,
when I flip on the lights,

you bark at the burglars.

- [meows]

- I mean roar,
roar at the burglars,

like the fierce jungle
snail you are.

- [meows]

[growling]

[roaring]

[meows]
- Huh?

Narlene?

- Oh! Well, if it ain't
my old pal Gary.

- [meows]

- Oh!

- Narlene Narwhal?

I haven't seen
you since we were kids.

both: Memory hug.

[SpongeBob whimpering,
Narlene laughing]

- Oh, look at you, SpongeBob.

All grown-up-ified and proper.

- [giggles]

You came to visit moi?

- Well, you always said,

"If you're ever
in Bikini Bottom, Narlene,

you can stay with me
as long as you like."

[laughs]

- Yeah, that sounds
like something I'd say.

Too bad your little brother
Nobby isn't here, too.

- Oh, he's here. Hey, Nobby!

Shake a horn
and get on in here!

- [speaking gibberish]

Howdy, SpongeBob.

[speaking gibberish]

- [coughs]
Wow, Nobby. You sure got big.

- I need some vittles.

- My fridge is
your fridge, Nobert.

[upbeat bluegrass music]

♪ ♪

- Ah, we had
a lot of good times

riding through the woods
in your wagon.

[sniffs]
Ah, I can almost

smell the sea mule.
[sniffs]

Huh?
- Hee-haw!

- He remembers you, too.

[laughter]

- [braying]

[both groaning]

- [yawns]

Oh! Aah!

Sorry, Narlene!
I didn't know you were in here!

- Morning, SpongeBob.

I just love your
fancy whirlpool bathtub.

[toilet flushes]
Whoo!

[laughing]

Would you be a darling
and hand me a scrub brush?

- Oh!
- Thank you.

[laughs]

- Hurry it up.

Other people need
to use the whirlpool bathtub.

- [grunting]

- Ahhh...

- [meows]

[upbeat bluegrass music]

- Yeah.

♪ ♪

[turkey gobbling]

- Ah, Thanksgiving.

- [grunting goofily]

- Huh?

- [grunting goofily]

- Aah!

- [grunting]

Ta-da!
- Oh.

- Hoo-hoo! Let's go.

I hope you don't mind
that we made

your house all hill-ified.

- Hill-ified?

Why, I'm...

thrill-ified.

Yee-hoo!

[knock on door]

- Howdy. Is Narlene here?

- It's Cousin WillyBob!

- Ha ha!

- WillyBob, meet SpongeBob.

Hey, SpongeBob, meet WillyBob.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Well, any cousin of Narlene's

is a cousin of mine, WillyBob.

- Well, much obliged,
CousinBob.

Come on, Nobby, let's wrassle!

- Yeah!

- Hey, cousins,
save some for me.

[growls]

[knocking on door]
Huh?

- Is Narlene here?

- Welcome, welcome.

Any cousin of Narlene's is a--

[knocking on door]
Huh.

[all shouting]

- [meows]

[bluegrass music playing]

♪ ♪

- [growls angrily]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Cousin SquidBob,

let's square-dance.

[Squidward yelling]

[dramatic music]

- Breaking news!

Bikini Bottom
is under siege from narwhals.

Toothless hoards
of backwoods hill folk

are plaguing citizens
with jug-band music,

hog calling, and bad grammar.

Citizens are advised
to stay indoors

and to avoid stomping your feet
to the country-fied b*at.

Aah!

They's here! Save yourselves!

Aah!
[static whirs]

- Yikes.

I think maybe it's time

to ask your kin
to leave, Narlene.

- They're not my kin.

I thought they was your kin.

WillyBob is our only relation.

- [speaking gibberish]

- Nobby's right.

The rest of them
ain't even narwhals.

- [speaking gibberish]

- They're Nearwhals.

Phony little varmint.

Kin or no kin,

we got to hog-tie this hoedown.

- Well, the good news is...

I think I know someone
who can help us.

- [cheers]

[speaking gibberish]

- What's the bad news?

- Sure.

I can get rid of those
Nearwhal nimrods for you.

[laughs evilly]

Their stupid family
has been feuding

with my stupid family
for years.

- Oh, I seen it.

Them Planktons sure
know how to hold a grudge.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

- Ah.
[grunts]

[light banjo music]

[phone ringing]

- Aah!

How do?

- Nearwhals!

all: Nearwhals?

Nearwhals?
Nearwhals?

Feud!

- Voilà! Huh?

[all shouting]

[upbeat bluegrass music]

- Get them Nearwhals!

♪ ♪

- [speaking gibberish]

Huh?

- Consarn Nearwhals!

[rapid chomping]

Give 'em the itch, Planktons.

- It's a plankton sneak att*ck.

Nearwhals, retreat!

[horn blaring]

- What's that, now?

[horns blaring]

♪ ♪

- Yeah!
[laughter]

- Whoo-hoo!

- Thank you.

- Yeah!

- I think someone deserves
a little kiss.

- Ooh!
[smooching]

Ew.

- Thankee, Cousin Plankee.

[giggles]
- [grunting]

- Yuck.

♪ ♪

- [speaking gibberish]

Y'all take care now.
[speaking gibberish]

- [laughs]
I already miss you guys.

Will you come back
and visit us real soon?

- Sooner than you think.

Hyah!
- [speaking gibberish]

♪ ♪

- [crying, sniffles]

- Hey, Squidward!

- What the--

- Hey, Squidward!

Remember back in camp
you used to always say,

"If you're ever
in town, Narlene,

you can stay with me anytime!"

- I never said that!
- [donkey brays]

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

- [laughing evilly]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Very sloppy, Eugene.

Leaving an unprotected
vent that leads

right into your office.

[laughing evilly]

Perfect.

The secret formula
is as good as mine.

Ah!

I made it.

Yes!

- [humming happily]

♪ F is for friends
who do stuff together ♪

♪ U is for you and me ♪

[gargling]

♪ N is for anywhere
and anytime at all ♪

- Huh?

[screams]

[groaning in pain]

- ♪ Down here
in the deep blue sea ♪

- [panting frantically]

Aah!

♪ ♪

- Bubble Bass!
Are you brushing your teeth?

- Yes, Mother.

Ugh!

[exhales deeply]

- Oof!

Oh, no.

[muffled shouting]

Aah!

[grunts]

Hmm? Eh, yuck.

This place is filthier
than the bathroom

in my old fraternity house.

Time to get out of here.

[loud grunting]

[shuddering]

Terrified,

mind blank,
possibly wetting pants.

Wait. I don't wear pants.

Ooh, lucky me.

- [growling]

[slime bubbling]

- Aah!

- That's right.
You better run.

Huh?

[ominous music]

Terror doubled.

Please!
I'll do whatever you say!

Just don't hurt me!
[sobs]

- We would never hurt
the Master.

[all speaking gibberish]

- Wait, what, now?

- We are praising you,

the Master Creator.

- Me?

- Yes.

We are C.H.U.M.

Collective Hive Under Master.

You are Master.

You create us
when you flush chum

into sewer

from your upside domain.

- You mean the Chum Bucket?

- Yes.

Chum mixes
with gasses in sewer...

- [belches loudly]

- To form we.

- Goo-goo.

- Hmm, makes sense,

huh...

in a stupid sort of way.

Eh!

Whoa, what's happening?

- Master must come to village

so we may worship him.

- Well, I do love
to be worshiped.

Hold on.
How did you recognize me?

- From sacred scrapbook.

- Ah!

- We save all articles
about Master

that float down here.

Here review of Chum Bucket.

You get one negative toilet.

That must be highest
rating possible.

- [chuckles]
Yep.

That's the highest, all right.

[chuckles]
Let's just close that.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

♪ ♪

Ah!
[grunts]

[groaning]

- The Master is pleased
with our village?

- Uh, sure.
Why not?

- Oh, thank you, Master.

Thank you.

- That's enough of that.

Do you have a napkin
or something

I can use to wipe my hands off?

- A napkin for Master!

- Yuck.

Thanks, but try to be

a little faster next time.

So you C.H.U.M.
would really do anything

for me?

- Yes, yes.

Whatever the Master wishes.

- Wah!

Hmm, this gives me an idea.

I don't need to steal

the secret Krabby Patty
formula by stealth.

With you C.H.U.M. by my side,

I can take it by force!

- Yes, yes.

Whatever the Master wishes.

- Ew. All right, then.

Line up for as*ault training.

[laughing evilly]

[bugle playing]

In order to successfully
infiltrate the Krusty Krab,

you'll need to batter
some doors down.

Now get to battering!

♪ ♪

You call that battering?

Batter harder.

Ah!

Wait, no, stop!

- How was that, Master?

- [groans]

In order for my plan
to succeed,

you will need
to be expert marksmen.

Line up and form up.

♪ ♪

[both chattering wildly]

♪ ♪

Hold on, hold on.

Let me just put up
these targets before you fire.

- Master say fire!

- [screams]
- [shouts]

- Uh-oh.

♪ ♪

- How was our aim, Master?

- Eh, impeccable.

When we finally enter
the Krusty Krab,

you will face
an enemy more evil

than any of you can imagine.

[all gasp, screaming]

To get past Krabs
and his vile cronies

and make it
to the secret formula,

you will need to be experts
in the deadly art of karate.

Hoo! Ha! Wah!

[grunting violently]

Now show Master what you got.

A-plus.
[sighs]

You're ready.
[sighs]

Ay!

- [humming happily]

- Hello, Eugene.
- Plankton?

Ah, get out of here
before I flush you.

- The only thing getting
flushed around here

are your hopes
of the Krabby Patty formula

not being stolen by me!

- Huh, you and what army?

- Me and my C.H.U.M. army.

- [gasps]

- [laughing evilly]

- Plankton,
what insanity is this?

- The insanity of genius!

- What's that chum doing?

- Anything I want it to.

[laughing evilly]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Krabs.

You look a little hungry.

Give him a taste, boys.

Ha, ha, ha!

- [grunting]

[shouting]

- [humming]
- SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

- [vocalizing]

♪ ♪

- You'll never get me formula.

- Today your formula.

Tomorrow the world.

You can't hide forever, Krabs.

Come meet your stinky fate.

[laughing evilly]

Sorry, Krabs.

Your aging acrobatics
are no match

for my C.H.U.M. monster.

- [giggles]

So long, suckers.

- Ah!

- Oh, shrimp!

- att*ck!

My putrescent platoon!

- Eat splinters, ugly!

Oh!

- Whoa!

♪ ♪

[upbeat music playing
on headphones]

- Oh!

- This is your
last chance, Eugene.

Give up the formula
or else!

- Or else what?

Gah!
- Whoa!

Or else this!

- All right, all right,
I'll give you what you want.

Just please don't hurt me.

SpongeBob, help!

[monster growling]
- SpongeBob!

- Stop him!

- Ooh, a penny!

- Not again.

Ah!

- Oh!

I'm so sorry, Mr. Krabs.

- My little hero!

Mwah!

- Ooh.
[giggles]

- Well, thanks
for trying, anyway.

So, uh,

you guys want to hang out,
you know,

maybe worship me a little more.

- No, we think C.H.U.M.
happier in the sewer.

Too crazy up here.

- But you'll keep
worshipping me, right?

- We check our schedule.

Get back to you.

[toilet flushes]
- Aw.