13x05 - SpongeBob's Road to Christmas

[bunniefuu]

- Are ya ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

["Deck the Halls" playing]

♪ ♪

- Ta da!

This gift is for Santa Claus.

Even Santa deserves
a gift, right Gary?

- [meows]

- ♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa's on his way ♪

♪ I'm giving him a present ♪

♪ That he'll take back
on his sleigh ♪

Yay! [vocalizing]

- Ho, ho, ho!

Hmm...

[grunting]

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Ho, ho, ho, shrink-o.

[vocalizing "Jingle Bells"]

Ho, ho, ho!

narrator: Seven months later.

- Excuse me, Mr. Sofa.

Ha, look at that, Gary.

It's the present I left
for Santa last Christmas.

Isn't that nice?

The present I left for Santa
last Christmas!

He never got it.

Oh, this is the worst disaster
that's ever happened.

My present to Santa
is days late.

Late, it's a tragedy.

My joyful carefree world
is growing dark and dreary.

I can't go on.

No, I'll go on.

But I can't go on!

- Whoo-hoo! [whistles]

Whoo-hoo! Five stars.

- Patrick, I wasn't acting.

Santa never got
his Christmas present.

- So why not just
deliver it to him?

- Why not just
deliver it to him?

- [chuckles]
That's a dumb idea.

I'm in!
- Great!

But how will we get there?
We can't walk that far.

- Oh, we can push
and shove each other.

- Great idea!

We can't let it be
one more day late.

Okay, me first.

[both laughing]

- My turn!

- What the--
- Merry Christmas.

- Um, it's July?

- Ah, it's a good day
to be bad.

- [laughing]

[laughs]

- Uh, SpongeBob?
You got a booger.

- Oh!

- Don't worry,
that's what friends are for.

Blow.

- Thank you.

- Eww!

It's the ugliest booger
I've ever seen.

- Can't you screwballs
walk without falling?

- Sorry Plankton.

We're pushing
and shoving ourselves

all the way to the North Pole.

I have to give Santa
his Christmas present.

- Santa? I hate that guy.

He's had me on a naughty list
ever since I got this tattoo.

both: Born to be naughty?

- Whoo! Wait a minute.

If I can
break into Santa's lair,

hack his mainframe,
change my status

from naughty to nice,

I could ask for
the Krabby Patty secret formula

and he'd have to give it to me.

I'm coming with you.

- Pushed or shoved?
- Shrimp that!

We are going in style, babies.

[engine rumbling]

both: Whoa!

- I built it to fly
and run over bodies

during the zombie apocalypse,

but it'll work on snow too.

We'll take the Pacific
to the Arctic,

then over ice and snow
to the North Pole.

Easy-peasy, Santa-squeezy.
[chuckles]

[both laughing]

Seat belts.

- Of course, safety first.

All secured, Captain Plankton.

- All secured.

- [groans] I'm already
regretting this trip.

- Whee! [laughs]
- Ya-hoo!

- [vocalizing]

[screams]

- [groans]

We did it!

- Oh, look at those
tiny little fish.

both: Hi.

- Hey, get back to your seats!

- The seat belt sign is off.

- [groans]

- [gasps]

The visitors, they're here!

- He seemed happy to see us.

Oh!

Ah!
- Whoa, a flying lawn chair.

- Hey!
- Give me that.

What's in this box anyway?
- It's a surprise.

- I hope it's a stink b*mb

for that
pot-bellied jingle joker.

- Santa is not pot-bellied.

He just suffers
from seasonal bloating.

- Right.

I'm going to sleep.

- But who will fly this thing?

- I put it on a*t*matic pilot.

You and that pink moron
can sleep on the floor.

[claps]

[groans]

Hey, what are you
imbeciles doing?

- We found the North Pole.

- It was way closer
than you said.

- North Pole?

Impossible.

How long was I asleep?

- Funny how the ground
keeps getting closer.

- Welcome to
Christmas Land Theme Park.

Where every day is Christmas.

- Hey, get out of my seat.

[dinging]

- The seat belt sign is on.

Cabin crew,
prepare for landing.

- Do you actually
know how to land?

- I know how to crash land.

- My seat belt!

both: The North Pole!

- We made it!

- [groaning]

Huh? Look what you two
broken brain buffoons did!

You completely destroyed
the navigation system.

- You're welcome.

- Don't be mad, Plankton.
We're here.

Look at all this.

[both giggling]

- Hmm.

- [giggles]

Ooh, Santa's elves.

[both gasp]
- Santa's reindeer!

both: This is amazing!

- Something's wrong here.

It isn't even cold.
And look at this smog.

- It's snow and smog?
- It's "snog."

[both giggling]

- [sighs]

- Santa's workshop!

all: ♪ Making toys,
work, work, work ♪

♪ Making toys,
work, work, work ♪

- Hello, Santa's elves,
I'm SpongeBob. Merry Christmas.

- [voice distorted]
Make, work--make, work--

- Looks like Santa's
gone all in for automation.

- Hey guys, look.

It says, [gasps]
"meet Santa Claus!"

Come on, guys! [giggles]
- Let's meet Santa!

-[muttering]

[grunts]

- We're finally here,
little present.

- Guys, I hate to say this,
but this place is a sham.

I don't know why,
but we're being tricked.

- Oh, Plankton,
Christmas is about believing.

- Yeah, Christmas
is about bleeding, man.

[both gasp]

- [snoring]

[both giggling]

- I wouldn't believe it if I
didn't see it with my own eye.

The bearded weirdo
in the flesh.

- [muttering]

What would you like
for Christmas?

[both speaking at once]

- Pipe down, children.

What the--

[gasps]

SpongeBob SquarePants?

- Hi, Santa.

- Did you know
that I'm your biggest fan?

- Oh, that's very sweet
of you Santa

but actually Patchy the Pirate
is my biggest fan.

- Ho, ho, ho!

Ahoy, SpongeBob and Patrick!

It's me, Patchy the Pirate.

- Patchy the Pirate?

You're Santa?

- No, I just play Santa here
in Christmas Land Theme Park.

It's me side-hustle.

- I knew this wasn't
the North Pole.

- North Pole?
No, man, this be Encino.

You're almost , miles
from the North Pole.

- [growls]

I'm gonna destroy you two!

- , miles?

Oh, if only our GPS
wasn't busted.

- Ooh, I can help
with global positioning.

Way before GPS,

pirates used
these things called maps.

Oh, and you'll need
a compass too.

- [squawks] Happy holidays.

- [grunts]
[both laugh]

[grunts]

Polly want a smacker?

- Well, thanks, Patchy.
Guess we'll be on our way.

- Goodbye! Good luck.

If you see Santy Claus,
tell him I want a new parrot.

- [squawks]
- Hey!

- And I want a new pirate.
- Ow!

- Woah!

- Wait, where are we?

[all scream]

all: Whoa!

[shivering] S-S-Santa's
workshop, dead ahead.

- [shivering] J-j-just in time.
I'm f-f-freezing.

- Are we there yet?

- How you doing with
that Plankton pop?

- I can't wait to
get to the chewy middle.

- [groaning]

- Hey Patrick,
where's Plankton?

- I don't know.

- [gasps]

[groans]

Eat a breath mint,
trench mouth.

- All right, here it goes.

- Huh?

Aw, you guys look great!

I like your spaceman helmets.

But it's not Halloween
for another three months.

- We're not here for Halloween,
we're here for Santa.

- I've got my own agenda

so this is
where we part company.

- Oh, sorry, Santa's not home.

He's in Aruba with the Missus.

But...here you go anyway.

- But--but--

- Happy Halloween!

[upbeat rockabilly music]

♪ ♪

both: Whoa!

[gasps]

- Ah! Eh, ah!

- Hey, that's Plankton.
He's inside.

[knocking]
- Eh?

Bleh. Jeez.

- I have to get
Santa's present under his tree.

We've got to get inside.

- Ah! I'm on it.

- Hmm, I know!

We'll go in Santa style.
Down the chimney.

- Oh, fine, we'll go
with your idea.

- Hmm,
now where in Kris Kringle

is Santa's mainframe?

[hard rock music]

♪ ♪

- No mainframe,

just lame brains.

- Yo, where do you think
you're going?

- [high-pitched] Who, me?
I'm just a little elf!

- [sniffs]
You don't smell like no elf.

- Oh, yeah?
What's it to you, you moose?

- [snorts]

Hey! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,

Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner, Blitzen!

[all growling]

- Well, looks like we got
a whole Christmas special here.

- Ready for some
reindeer games?

- Eh, peace on earth?

Whoa! Oof, oof, ow!

That better be mud
on your hooves.

[both grunt]

- [gasps] That's it!

Santa's Christmas tree.

[both giggle]

[alarm blaring]

- There they are!
It's the trick-or-treaters!

- Toy thieves!
- Christmas crooks!

Get 'em!

- SpongeBob, what do we do?

- Climb!

- They're going up the tree!

Don't let 'em get away.

[alarm blaring]

- We better check that alarm!

- [grunting]

I wore you down, didn't I?

You meat head cari-boobs.

- Toy thieves!

- Yo, elves!

What the Father Christmas
is going on here?

- We got this under control.
Go back to your stables.

- Oh!
Not cool elf bros.

- Ow! Oof!

- [shouts]

- Whoa!

- Hmm? Oof!

- [laughs]

- Hey! Not funny.

- Ah!

Whoa, whoa!

[all groan]

[train whistle blows]

- Oh, no, Patrick.

It looks like I have sowed
the seeds of discontent

in the house of Santa.

Patrick? Huh?

- Candy cane...oh!

- [gasps]

Oh!

- [cackles]

Oh! [groans]

[gasps] Santa's mainframe.
I found it!

[grunting]

Thanks to those two idiots
causing a distraction,

I did it.
My name is the nice list.

Now I just gotta be good
for the next few months.

How hard could that be?

He-he-he--wah!

- Oh! What the ho, ho, ho
is going on here?

I was kicking back with
the Missus in the Caribbean

when my silent alarm went off.

- [chuckles] Huh?
- Hi, Santa.

- SpongeBob?

Ho, ho, I should've known!

You're a menace.

- [laughs]

All I wanted to do
was leave you this present

that you didn't get
last Christmas.

days late. Sorry!

- A present is never too late.

Oh, how sweet.

Not even the elves or reindeer
get me presents.

- Um...
- Ah...

- Thank you, SpongeBob.

Should I open it now?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh!

[all gasp]

- It's one of a kind.

- [gasps]

The Krabby Patty
secret formula?

He's giving it to Santa Claus!

Forget the list,
the formula's right here.

I could have it now!

[laughing]

- Huh?

- [cackling]

Ah!

- Huh? Plankton?

You're being naughty.

- Santa, I was born
to be naughty.

- Wha--hmm.
- Hmm.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

[mutters]

Um, yeah...

you can have this back.

My bad, heh.
I mean, good--my good.

I'm being nice, not naughty.

- Well, read it out loud.

- Uh, that's okay.

- Go on, read it.

all: Read it!

- "Dear Santa,

"there isn't
a present big enough

"to express how much joy
you've brought

"to all the children and
sea creatures of the world.

"So this is just
a simple thank you note.

"Thank you.

Signed, with love,
your pal SpongeBob."

[all cooing]

You got a typo here.

- Oh, how touching.

This is beautiful.

Thank you, SpongeBob.

- I wouldn't have made it here
without the help of Plankton.

He's really not that naughty.

And of course,
my best friend Patrick.

Patrick?

- Happy holidays to me!

narrator: The next Christmas.

- Aww, here you go!

- [chuckles]
Happy holidays, everybody.

Sheldon.

- Lump of coal.

- Merry Christmas, Plankton.

- Another lump of coal
no doubt.

What's this?

"Merry Christmas to Plankton!

One day you will
destroy us all."

Yes, I will, SpongeBob.

Yes, I will. [cackles]

Destroy!

- [roars]

- Ho, ho, ho! [cackles]
[all screaming]

[cheery music]

♪ ♪