04x02 - The Lamp

Episode transcripts for the TV show "What We Do in the Shadows". Aired: March 27, 2019 – present.*
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documentary-style series about the lives of four vampires who've "lived" together for hundreds of years in Staten Island.
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04x02 - The Lamp

Post by bunniefuu »

Our work on converting

the Vampiric Council

into a vampire nightclub is

not going well.

Stop the work! Stop the work!

The custodian of this

wonderful raw space is being something

of a total harpy in my ass.

Continue the work.

Continue the work.

Ignore her, keep working.

My voice reigns supreme.

I have been in charge

of this sacred reliquary

for hundreds of years.

You can't just dismantle it all.

We're not dismantling anything,

- we're just moving things around.

- Oh.

There is a very

specific filing system here.

Which is?

Which is everything

stays exactly where it is

and nothing gets moved or changed ever.

Are you sure you don't want to protect

your precious books by putting them

into storage

so they don't get damaged

by my blood sprinklers?

Blood sprinklers?

No, no, no. This is not right.

Put it all back.

You can get f*cked. This took hours.

Oh, I wasn't talking to you.

What the f*ck?

f*cking wraiths.

Anything you can do,

my wraiths can undo.

This conversation is over.

Cute.

Which one's yours?

I

do not own a dog.

I only come here to speak to you.

Oh.

My search for a new wife has

not been going so great.

I used to have 37 beautiful wives.

But that was hundreds of years ago.

Now I have no one.

But I have a plan.

I secretly smuggled back

850 pounds of ancestral treasure

from Al Qolnidar.

I thought my ancestral treasure

would make a very impressive dowry.

But it seems,

for modern women,

it's just not enough.

I am not a creep.

I'm just a very powerful

and ancient warrior

who wishes to marry you.

So I'd like you to come back to

the basement of my mansion and

examine my massive dowry.

Hmm?

So, here I am,

surrounded by all

my secret treasures

but without a wife to share them with.

And, yes,

I have kept my secret treasure secret

from even my housemates.

No one will ever know

the precious riches

- that I have hidden deep

- Master?

What the f*ck? Guillermo?

How did you get in here?

The door was locked.

Wh How long have you had

this secret room for?

Whoa. Look at all this stuff.

Is this stuff real?

Sure, just come on down

to my secret treasure room,

why don't you? Don't touch that.

- Ow.

- Of course it's real.

The aggravations are endless.

I am paying a full crew

of workermen to do nothing.

- You know what I think this stairway needs, Tobe?

- What's that?

Hey, I bet they do

a shiplap accent wall.

- Watch.

- A shiplap accent wall.

Man, come on, these guys have,

like, two go-to moves at best.

No, that's where you're f*cking wrong.

Bran and Toby choose to use shiplap

because it has the perfect

amount of artistic flair

for any aesthetic.

Also, not a budget-buster.

Did you want to do shiplap

on this wall?

- Where?

- Just, like, right over here?

Well, if you've got some.

Every time I persuade

the workermen to work,

The Guide and her wraiths undermine me.

- Hey. Hey!

- Whoa, whoa!

I told Nadja it wasn't safe for

her crew to be working here, but

she doesn't listen.

I have tried using the carrot,

as one does

with a stubborn donkey,

but now it is time for the stick!

I must ask you about some of the things

I overheard them saying

when I was working in, um,

England at the Supreme Vampiric Council.

Oh.

Did they speak about me

and my dedicated work here?

- I shouldn't say, no.

- Oh.

Okay, I'll tell you.

Yeah, so, some of them

were definitely saying

that they think that this branch

of the Vampiric Council

is very much stuck in time,

and that the real estate

would probably be more valuable

if they leased it out to a

CVS Pharmacy.

Who said that?

The main one.

- Dark Lord Tyrantus?

- Yes.

The Liquidator of Underlings?

Him that's him.

Uh, okay, uh

What do I do?

Okay!

Let's do this! Uh

Wraith meeting! Wraith meeting!

Hey, uh, stop injuring crew workers

and assemble for an

official wraith meeting.

All right, that's the last one.

Yes.

Ah, yes.

Any woman in ancient Al Qolnidar

would throw herself at my feet

if she knew I had a spoon like this.

Well, most modern women have

access to spoons already, so

We live in a time of miracles.

No.

What's this?

- Oh, just a djinn lamp.

- A what?

A djinn lamp.

Like in the old stories.

You-you rub it and a magical man

comes out and grants you wishes.

Oh, a genie lamp.

It is a djinn lamp.

Uh, the ancient tales

say it is magical,

but like most of the ancient

tales, it is all horseshit.

- Well, then rub it.

- I rubbed hundreds of djinn lamps

as a child, nothing ever happened. See?

Nothing.

Well, did you ever rub it

counterclockwise?

Eh, rub, rub, rub. See? Nothing.

What is happening?!

You rubbed it a hundred times

and never thought

about rubbing it the other way?!

We are about to die,

and this is what you want

your last words to be?!

Okay.

It stopped.

- Hey.

- Hey, yo

Oh, hey.

Are you a djinn?

Yes.

You don't look like a djinn.

- You can't say that.

- I just did.

Thank you all for coming.

Would you like me to explain

what we require of them?

No, I'll handle it. I'm just waiting

for the rest of them to get here.

I don't want to say it twice.

Um

I say, exactly

how many wraiths are there?

So, so many. And so many of them

are habitual stragglers!

Mm.

Okay, I guess they're all here.

- Hear me, my wraiths!

- Yes

For today we embark on a new mission.

Oh.

Now, many changes will be

made to this building.

And your duty heretoforth is to help

the human workers

- Help.

- And to not harm the human workers.

- Don't harm them.

- Am I understood?

Yes

All right.

Now we will organize ourselves

into work squads,

and within those squads

- we will decide who does

- Ooh, sorry, this is not the john

Wait.

Ooh.

Uh, what did we just say?!

Oh, no.

I was worried about this happening.

You see, the wraiths and I

have been together

for so long that no matter

what I tell them to do,

they know what my heart really wants.

Well, maybe you should tell

your heart to think of some

It's all right, my darling.

I think I can deal with this.

So, logically you're prepared

for change,

yet your inner,

uncontrollable emotions are resisting.

Would I be right?

What?

I think can fix her.

Psychology is considered to be

one of the newer sciences.

Isn't really new to me at all.

In fact, I was there at its conception.

I spent a few of my younger

years with Sigmund Freud,

while he was using cocaine

and working on his theory

that all neurosis is derived

from what he called "hand envy."

I remember taking

a steam bath with the chap,

and my towel accidentally dropped,

and he caught sight of my rather

generous John Thomas.

He shrieked "Eureka,"

and then came up with "penis envy."

Or what I like to call

"wanting of the wang."

So, how many wishes can you grant?

Do you wish to know?

- No, don't

- Sure.

Well, it's 52.

But you just used one, so it's 51.

Don't wish it.

My first thought was,

I will just wish the djinn

to get me a new love.

But then I remembered

I had already found love.

I had 37 wives, and one of them,

I specifically remember,

I really loved.

I just cannot remember which one.

- Hmm

- So, what was her name?

It might have been a he.

They weren't all women.

- You could do that back then?

- Of course.

Some of my wives were girl wives,

some of them were guy wives.

It's not that different.

- Hmm.

- I cannot remember the name,

but either he or she had

very long, dark hair.

28 of them had long, dark hair.

Hmm. I want to say Becky?

- No.

- Hmm.

How about Dalal?

I think I remember him having

a very fun handlebar mustache.

- There were three Dalals.

- Three.

You know what? Just bring them

all back and we'll figure it out.

I don't think that's the most

efficient way to deal with

Uh, is this your wish?

Yes. This is my wish.

I wish you to bring back

all 37 of my dead wives.

Very well.

Oh, boy.

Greetings, my wives.

Hi.

Nandor

Yes, hello to you, too,

I want to say Mina?

Miriam?

- Zahra.

- That's it.

I also wish for them all

to speak English.

Fatemeh said you were going to return

- when the moon was next full.

- Did she?

But we waited three full moon cycles,

- and guess what. Nothing.

- Oh, three? Sorry about that.

Which is very disrespectful

not just to me

- but to my father

- Let me go check

and I'll get right back to you

Give me one moment! Uh,

everything will be normal soon.

- How long must I stare at the?

- I don't know.

How long, Nandor?

Okay, so it's definitely not her.

Guillermo, I'm going

to need you to install

37 bunk beds in the attic.

Open!

- Keep going.

- I've been watching over

this building for hundreds of years.

I'm so intertwined with it,

I feel any changes physically,

in my own body.

What, you mean, like something sexual?

More like, if there is a brick

that gets chipped,

I get a headache.

If the steam pipes are backed

up, then I am also backed up.

Nothing sexy.

I'm just gonna ignore

most of that and put that down

to your female hysteria.

- Hmm.

- Moving on,

the thought of changing this building,

how does that make you feel?

Bad.

If anything gets changed here,

something very bad will happen.

Could you give me an example?

I just have an overpowering

"bad things will happen" energy,

and it's flowing through me.

Do you mean a sexual sensation?

No, it's more like,

when you enter a room

- Keep going.

- But you have to take an even amount of steps

because the floor will be bad

and then you tap the doorknob

three times and you do it

all over again.

You know, regular stuff.

Guillermo, now is not time

for shopping.

My wives are hungry.

I know. This is the Uber Eats

order for your 37 wives.

We've narrowed it down to 32 now.

Well, what did you do with the rejects?

Guillermo.

Those beautiful, sensitive,

poetic creatures are not rejects.

They're just simply not

what I'm looking for

- at this particular juncture, so we got rid of them.

- What?

- I-I don't k*ll them. I just make them dead again.

- Yes.

- Isn't that k*lling them again?

- No.

He re-deads them. But in a nice way.

And they go to paradise, don't they?

Sure.

We even came up

with a nice way of doing it.

My sweet Nandor said

I'm supposed to ask you

for a special gold coin?

Ah, yes.

Come, come.

So they never see it coming.

And there is no sadness or tears.

That sounds like m*rder.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

But, you know,

this isn't just a job to me.

You know, I'm not clocking in

and clocking out.

- This is who I am.

- Right.

And if you don't mind me asking,

who were you before this?

Well, I was, um

a

Well, I

I can't remember.

You've no idea, have you?

I have no idea.

Well, that is fascinating.

And if you will allow me,

I have a technique

that could retrieve that lost memory.

Will it hurt?

Maybe.

My dear Roshni, I thought

we'd do a little quiz.

"34 Questions That Lead to Love."

Question one,

"if you could choose

anyone in the world,

which three people

would you invite to dinner?"

Well, for one,

I would love to hear the Sufic poetry

of the great poet

Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi

directly from his own lips.

Excellent choice.

And next?

I suppose my dear grandfather.

A simple farmer but a very wise man.

Very nice, Roshni.

And finally?

- And then perhaps

- Mm-hmm.

- Yes?

- Behrouz the Mighty.

A most fearsome warrior.

A hero.

- Behrouz?

- Yes.

- The Mighty?

- Yes.

Mm.

Hi. Nandor said

- you have a gold coin for me.

- Yes,

I do.

You're walking down the corridor

of your mind.

Can you picture it?

- Yes.

- Good.

You walk down that corridor

and come across

an important-looking room.

What does it say upon the door?

"Storage."

You open that door.

What do you see inside?

- Boxes.

- Boxes.

- Mm.

- All right.

You open one of the boxes.

What's inside?

Some smaller boxes.

And each one has a label on it.

And what does the label say?

- Even Smaller Boxes."

- "S-Smaller Boxes."

Yes, I thought you might say

that. Let's get the f*ck out.

- Is this a bad time?

- I really can't talk right now, okay?

- All right. Yeah.

- I'll call you back later.

Whenever you can. I really miss you.

Yeah

I know what everyone's thinking.

I'm gonna be super jealous

of whoever Nandor's wife

ends up being, but

I'm really not.

I just want him to be happy.

And

I'm in a very good place right now.

As far as that's concerned.

Because

that's all I will say about that.

All right. Special delivery.

Got some dresses

- and shirts and all the

- I was going to make Nandor

a shank of lamb

Do you know if he likes lamb?

Um,

I don't think he's really

into lamb, actually.

- Can you take this infant away from me?

- No

- He is exhausting me.

- Okay,

maybe in a second, Darya.

Kind of have my hands full here,

all right?

Wow. It is so great to have a nice,

nonthreatening male to talk to.

- Okay.

- Isn't it?

What is your name, eunuch?

Well, it's Guillermo,

and I'm not a eunuch, so

- Close enough.

- Cover yourself up.

Continuing down

the corridor of your mind,

- what do you see?

- Someone needs to clean it up.

All right, apart from that,

do you see a door?

- Many doors.

- Can you tell me what they say?

- "Conversation Starters."

- All right.

Uh, "Favorite Looks Casual."

"Favorite Looks Formal."

"Shame Do Not Open."

Uh, "Box Storage Number Two."

That might be a good one to get into.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.

Back up a second.

Did you just say "Shame"?

Let's go in there,

have a bit of a poke around.

- The "Shame" door?

- Please.

Says "Do Not Open."

Well, f*ck that. Just give it a

give it a hard push.

Nope.

- It's not budging.

- Right. Ah!

What's that I hear?

The footsteps

of somebody strong and powerful

coming down the corridor

of your mind to help you.

Do you see that person?

- Yes.

- Who is he?

It's Guillermo.

No, no, I said

somebody strong and powerful.

Do you see that person?

- Yes, that's Guillermo.

- -Really?

Well, he's naked.

- Hello, Guillermo.

- Uh, just get him to open the door.

- He's naked.

- Can he open the door?

He's trying,

but his hands keep slipping

off the doorknob

due to the oil

that he used to glisten up

his naked body.

Right. You know what?

I think I might take a break.

Nandor's process is, uh

well

You have an impressive

and powerful physique, Kublai.

I cannot wait to explore it.

But I'm afraid

I am stronger.

Even a very strong man like you

won't want to step on that nail.

Nail?

Ah!

You win, Kublai.

I may not remember my beloved's name.

As your prize, you get

a very special gold coin.

But I do remember that

they never b*at me at anything.

f*cking Kublai.

Okay, first things first, I'd say

the two Dalals are definitely out.

They were humble

and an excellent listener.

My sister, when she was

being courted by her husband

Well, he didn't end up

actually becoming her husband.

- Mm-hmm.

- We were all certain they were to be wed, you know?

I'd forgotten how many wonderful

stories you have to tell, Mina.

But he was also, like, a

The love of my life was not petty

or slovenly

or vain.

- Saddle up!

- Or manipulative.

He's a naughty boy.

They never asked me

to shave off my beard.

Okay, she's a maybe.

This guy I don't trust. This one

never learned to read. I like her,

but she's so much smarter

than me, so

see ya!

They were warm

and wanted to be with me.

You know, Behrouz the Mighty,

all of his fearsome sh*t

was actually done by other guys.

My heart's desire was kind

and a good haggler.

They never borrowed my boots

without asking me.

They were merciful.

And horny.

And this, my dear Ramy,

is where the magic happens.

Shall we?

Could I get one

of those gold coins now?

My beloved had a sense

of spontaneity and fun.

Nandor, what are you hiding?

Ah!

H-Hey! No, wait! Come back!

- Where you going?!

- No.

Come back!

It's just a lobster!

Leave me alone.

Wait!

That was adorable.

Nasrin! Nasrin!

Hey! Don't be afraid!

Nasrin! Hey.

Where are you going?!

Do not fear him!

We are about to k*ll him anyway.

Oh!

sh*t.

Whoops.

Yeah, she's dead.

It is a process.

You were meant to look

You can't just let him wander off.

Here, boy!

He's not a dog. He's a child.

Why are you so grumpy

these days, Guillermo?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe 'cause I'm exhausted

from feeding and taking care

of your 37 wives.

Actually, we're down to seven now.

- Little baby Colin!

- Colin? -

Oh, wow.

This little rascal really likes

to hammer holes in the wall,

doesn't he?

Between taking care of your wives

and making sure this poor child

- doesn't die

- Hey!

In this death trap of a house,

I haven't slept in weeks.

- Colin, give me the hammer.

- Hey! sh*t.

Do you know that I've missed

my mother's birthday party

three years in a row?

No. Why would I know that?

I would have to know that

it was your mother's birthday

and also the things you do.

I-I really am glad

that you want to find a wife,

and I think it's cool. I really do.

- I'm cool with that.

- Oh, good.

I'm so glad you are "cool" with that.

But I already have a family.

And one that I don't see because I spend

so much time taking care of you guys,

I don't take care of myself.

I think he has fallen asleep.

I think your story bored him.

Only kidding, Guillermo.

Eesh.

We've had a breakthrough.

This job isn't my job.

It's my punishment.

She'd locked away her most

shameful and sordid memories

for so long that she'd forgotten them.

- I was a bad vampire.

- Yes.

I was sloppy.

I was wild.

I was a moth to the danger flame.

I led the Inquisition.

I danced the Dance of the Seven Veils.

Without the veils.

Top work.

I was, simply put,

- extra.

- It's true.

And we finally got

to the bottom of the, uh,

naked, glistening Guillermo business

that's been lurking in her tawdry mind.

Don't stop. This is getting good.

The final straw came,

the ultimate messiness for a vampire

when I slept with a vampire k*ller.

sh*t.

No.

A Van Helsing.

No.

Yeah.

I knew it was wrong

when I did it.

There's something about his kind

The danger, the depravity.

Will this climax be

the end of my story?

And what a way to go.

His fingers

that could wrap around my neck.

All right. Leave this with me.

What? Are you f*cking insane?

No. No way.

It's every young boy's fantasy.

What's wrong with you?

It works, doesn't it?

- As if you could do any better.

- Just do it.

Get her to stop talking

about that f*cking building.

She clearly has a weakness

for your kind.

She might teach you a thing or two.

Okay.

If I do this, what's it worth to you?

Name your price.

I want to be

the nightclub's accountant.

Why?

Why not?

This makes me suspicious a little.

Well, do you want my help or not?

Eh. I mean, we do, so

- done deal.

- Okay. Well.

Yeah, I've done a lot of things

for Nandor, Laszlo and Nadja

over the years, but

seducing a vampire to do their bidding?

That's a new one.

Guillermo, I know why you're here.

But the answer is no.

Oh, come on.

Don't-don't you think

a nightclub would be

a nice, fun change of pace for you?

Yeah, sure. The nightclub's fine.

I don't care about that anymore.

- Okay, good.

- Yeah.

No, it is our

forbidden love

that I must squash before

it has a chance to blossom.

Yes.

Yeah. All right, well,

nice doing business with you.

I'm gonna go.

We felt a passion for each other

from the moment we met, no?

Oops! I should have known

you had Van Helsing blood in you

when I felt that tingling

in my most private of parts.

Great. I'm gonna

- Ooh! Ooh!

- Oh.

Oh, my sweet, sweet Guillermo.

My attraction to you

is a manifestation

of a longing for my past life,

when I was a naughty, dirty vampire.

But that's not who I am anymore.

Please tell me you understand.

- No hard feelings.

- Okay.

Now I'm gonna go,

- and you're gonna stay.

- Bye-bye.

Guillermo, can you find it

in your heart

to be just friends with me?

Sure.

I could use a friend.

High five.

All right. Then what are

we waiting for, huh?!

- It's a good day.

- Where'd she get that from?

Let's get this old sh*t out of here

and make a vampire nightclub!

What are you gonna do with the hammer?

Yeah!

As you can see, another patient cured

and returned to perfect mental health.

Yes, she seems very well now,

doesn't she?

No charge.

Well done, my love.

Indeed.

She's gone.

What are we left with?

I have found the one.

We are engaged to be wed.

This is Marwa.

Hello. I am Marwa of Al Qolni

I mean, it was obvious all along.

You know, like, duh.

Would you excuse me for one moment,

please, my little pomegranate?

Be right back.

I was lucky enough to have

the best education

I always imagined my wife

with blonde hair.

But my passion lied

in science and mathematics

I think I was thinking

a little less platinum blonde,

little more, um, hint of red.

I am most proud that my observations

- of Jupiter and Saturn

- Hmm.

You know what? I think

I prefer it just as it was

in the beginning.

Using up a lot of wishes.

Yes, I know, but let's do it.

Nothing is too good

for my perfect wife.

I am very lucky to have a man

of such intellect

to share my life with.

Mm.
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