Strange Bedfellows (2004)

[bunniefuu]

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(HORN HONKS)

Just leave the keys in it, Stan!

Alright!

(TYRES SCREECH)

You missed him, Vonnie.

Ah, well.

Not to worry, Ralph. I'll get him.

Morning, Ralph.

You should learn to relax, Fred.

I just thought I'd better make sure
these silly buggers didn't k*ll themselves.

Don't pull on it!

Well, let go of it, then.

RALPH: You're doing a great job, mate.

MAN: Let me do it.
MAN 2: Do it yourself, then.

(SIGHS) Bloody women.

MAN: Hey, Vincie.

G'day. Bitch!

You look happy, Vince.
Did you win the lottery?

Cow.

Vincent.
Hello, Father.

Ooh, Vincent, looks like being
a beautiful day.

Yeah.

Ralph?

RALPH: G'day, Vincie.

Well, mate, she's really
shafted me this time.

Ah, the wife again, eh?

Ex-wife, as she's only
too quick to point out.

Look what I found in my post office box
this morning.

Oh, just tell me, mate.

I promised Dan the Man
I'd have this fixed by lunchtime.

It's a letter from that shonky
city accountant of hers.

I knew they had some scheme going,

some income average
and off-bloody-shore thing.

I don't know.
I just went along with it.

Now the chickens
are coming home to roost,

and they owe years in back taxes.

Fantastic, mate.
She had it coming to her.

She has nothing coming to her.

I do.
How come?

I don't know how they did it.

I just signed
whatever they put in front of me.

I mean, she was me wife. I trusted her.

Pity she didn't feel
the same way about you.

I thought she did when they insisted
that all the companies be in my name

so on paper, it looks like
I've earned all this bloody money.

Well, obviously, you didn't.
No, mate.

She got the money, I get the tax.

Now the bloody tax department's
coming after me.

Gee, Vincie.

I mean, it wasn't like
she didn't do well out of the divorce.

I mean, she took virtually everything
with her when she left.

Yeah, but then it was all hers
in the first place, wasn't it?

Well, yeah, but it was a partnership.

She had the capital.
I provided the professional expertise.

Yeah, well, at least
she left you the picture theatre.

Yeah, lucky me.
More trouble than it's worth.

Why not sell it, then?
Sell me theatre?

It's the only bloody thing
I've got left in the world.

Won't even have that
if I get socked with this tax bill.

I'm not kidding, mate. Things keep
going like this, I won't see the year out.

Join the club.
You're doing OK.

Oh, I got plenty of work on.
But, you know...

Mate, you got to start
charging the going rate.

Stop letting people put it on the slate.

We're not the only ones
doing it tough, you know.

How's it going?
Oh, she's done, mate.

The carbie was running a bit lean.
What do I owe you?

Oh, don't worry about it,
it only took five minutes.

Get off me!
Get off me!

Can't you two keep
your hands off each other?

Pair of pansies!

I'll drop you some tomatoes later.

Yeah, mate.

Tomatoes.

(CLINKING SOUND)

Can I have your attention, please?
Mr Coulston. Mr Quirk.

OK.

Ladies and gentlemen,
distinguished guests.

Father Delaney, Counsellor Rogers.
Feel free to get on with it, love.

As you are all well aware,

the Firemen's Ball and the
St Patrick's Women's Auxiliary Ball

are usually held at different times.

There's a reason for that.

WOMAN: But this year,
we've decided to combine the two.

RALPH: They felt the firies
were having too much fun.

WOMAN: So...

..Father Delaney
and his Ladies' Committee

will be in charge
of organising the catering.

Does it involve loaves
and fishes, Father?

Mr Williams.

In the unlikely event that you actually
have something worthwhile to add,

would you please raise your hand
and not just interject?

Mr Coulston.

Yourself and the fire brigade

will be responsible
for ticket production and sales.

Uh, sorry, Faith.
I think Ralph has something to add.

Loser.
Idiot.

You weren't up
to your usual form, mate.

Oh...

Now, is everyone clear
as to who's doing what?

Well, we certainly know
who's doing all the talking.

Mr Hopgood, you and Mr Williams
just make sure

you've got the old fire truck
right for the night.

No worries, Faith.

You boys are wicked.

I'd better go and milk the moo cows.

Those bawdy calves you gave me
are going well, Stan.

STAN: Good, good.

You got a show tonight?
Oh, 8:00, mate.

Well, have a good one.
Yeah.

Maybe things will look better
in the morning.

Yeah, let's hope so.

(SIGHS)

(FILM SOUNDTRACK PLAYS)

Morning, Shirley.

Hello, Emily.

See you on Sunday.

VONNIE: It's the new guy.

He just throws the mailbag
onto the veranda

with no respect at all for the contents.

Here we are, Jack.
That's $6.75, thank you.

Here you go. I'll keep an eye out.
I might catch him speeding.

3 plus 7, that's 10.
Thanks, love.

Do you want to post that, Father?
I certainly do, my dear.

By the way, Yvonne,
Gloria Murphy dropped me a line

from Paris about her trip.

And she's sending me
some holy water from Lourdes,

God bless her soul, for my arthritis.

Do you think you could keep
an eye out for it?

YVONNE: Of course, Father.

I'll be with you in a minute, Vince.

Oh, no hurry, Vonnie.

Hi, Jack.
Hey, Vince.

Father.
Vincent.

JACK: I suppose you'll be putting us
to shame at the ball as usual, Father.

DELANEY: Oh, get out, Jack.
It's the only dancing I get these days.

JACK: I noticed the banner went up
yesterday. Should bring a few people in.

Hey, Vincie?
Yeah.

Money's on the counter, Vonnie.

VINCE: I've got it, Ralph. I have got it.

RALPH: Got what?
The answer.

What's the question?

You know, me tax problem.
Look at this.

The government's just passed this bill.

Politics. You know I don't vote.

Yeah, but you do know
there's an election this year, right?

Yeah, I know. I just don't care.

Yeah, well, it says here this one's
going to be a real neck-and-neck race.

Yeah, but why would you vote?

A politician might get in.

Can you just listen?

They reckon it'll be so close,

it'll come down to who can win
a majority of the gay vote.

Gay?

Yeah, shirt lifters, them that bat
for the other team, poofters.

Jeez, eh?

I wouldn't have thought
there were that many of them.

Apparently enough to swing the vote.

That's why both sides
are sucking up to them.

It's all about giving them the same rights
as regular married couples.

So what's that got to do with us?

Well, the opposition...

(HORN HONKS)
Hey, Billy!

Well, the opposition has promised
to change the tax laws

if they get elected, right?

So the government's
just b*at 'em to the punch.

Not only did they pass the law,
they've made it retrospective.

Oh.

Will you run that
by me again in English?

Well, it just means that gay couples can
get all the rebates of regular couples,

and they can claim them
for up to five years back.

If I can go back to an earlier question,
what's it got to do with us?

Mate, if I can get those same tax breaks
for the last five years,

I could write off so much tax,
I'd be laughing.

Hey, you could even
claim me as a dependent.

We'd both come out in front.

But how can we do that?
Well, it's simple.

We just become gay.

No!

No, no, no, no.

How many times do I have to tell you?
We just say we are.

There's no physical.

Hey, Hughie.
G'day.

Hughie.

No.

What's wrong with you, Ralph?

I mean, this is our big chance
to really turn things around for us.

We could split our incomes,
claim spouse benefits.

Hey, we could probably even
set up a family trust.

You're not listening to me, Vince.
I don't want anyone thinking I'm a poof.

You're on the hose, you boys!
Righto, mate!

No, not poofs, mate.
Same-sex couple.

That's what they call it these days.
Same-sex couples.

I don't care what they call it.
I don't want to be one!

VINCE: We'd just be pretending, for
goodness sake. What's your problem?

RALPH: I just wouldn't feel
comfortable with it.

I mean, I've got nothing against them
personally. Good luck to them.

But I wouldn't want them near me, much
less going around saying I was one.

There's a word for you, Ralph -
h*m*.

RALPH: Yeah?

Well, there's a word for you too, mate -
out of your bloody mind.

Have you any idea
what the reaction would be around here

if people thought
we were a pair of pansies?

Same-sex couple, Ralph.

Take Big Red, for instance.
He'd laugh us out of town.

Not everyone in town is as close-minded
as you and Big Red.

Oh, no? Why don't you ask the boys
later what they think?

MAN: Don't know any
and I don't care to.

MAN: Well, there's Eric, of course.
Yeah, but he's the local hairdresser.

It'd be a worry if he was the barber.

I'd cut me own hair.

You mean you pay to get that done?
Get stuffed.

They reckon Tom Farquar's eldest
is that way inclined.

MAN: Yeah?

Ran off and joined
the Australian Ballet.

Next thing I hear, he's up in Canberra
doing the 'Nutcracker Suite'.

Sounds painful.

(LAUGHTER)

VINCE: How long have we
known each other, mate?

Most of our lives.

And in all that time,
have I even been wrong?

Yeah.
When?

Karen Stevens.
Karen Stevens?

Mate, that was 30 years ago,
get over it.

You said she was a walk-up start.

Oh, well...

Her father set
the bloody greyhounds onto me.

I still convulse
every time I hear a dog bark.

Come on, mate. I'd do it for you.

Yeah, let everyone think I'm a fairy.
No.

We fill out the forms,
we send them in to Canberra

and they register us
as a same-sex couple.

Same-sex couple...

So then we're eligible for the tax cuts.

They think they've got
a couple of sure-fire votes.

Everybody's happy.
Yeah, they're happy. We're gay.

Well, just officially.

You know, some public service dickhead
puts it in the computer

and we're eligible for the tax cuts.

End of story.

Mate, I really need you
to help me with this.

Please.

Just sign the paper?

Just sign the paper.

And no-one will ever know?

Swear to God.

Sorry, mate.

I just can't do it. No.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.
WOMAN: Hey, Dad, it's me.

Carla. How are you, sweetheart?

I'm great, Dad. How are you?

Oh, you know.
Got plenty to keep me out of trouble.

Well, don't work too hard.
You always take on too much.

Gee, love, you're starting
to sound like your mum.

(LAUGHS)
Someone's got to look after you now.

Hey, Dad, I'm thinking
of coming up on the 21st.

Oh, that'll be great.
You'll be here for the Firemen's Ball.

Um, OK.

I'm bringing Peta to meet you.

Yeah, well, it's about time
your old man was introduced.

My thoughts exactly, Dad.

Might even have to give
the old overalls a wash, eh?

(CARLA LAUGHS)
No need to go silly.

Actually, we're thinking
of moving in together.

Oh, yeah? Sounds serious.

Yeah, well, we'll see.

Yeah, well, look,
I really look forward to that.

Yeah, me too.
Say hello to Vince for me.

I'll see you then, then, Dad.

Love you.
Love you too, sweetheart.

Bye-bye.
'Bye.

(DOG BARKS)

VINCE: Goodnight.
WOMAN: Goodnight, Vince.

MAN: See ya, mate.
Yep.

And no-one will ever know.

No-one will ever know.

Alright, I'll do it.

Oh, mate, I could kiss you.

Just you bloody try.

Ralph, I can't tell you how much this...
Hey.

I never did really thank you
for all you did for us.

You have now.

VINCE: So I go in this box.
Then you go here.

Just a moment. Spouse?

Why do I have to be the spouse?

It's not important.
Oh, it is to me.

I don't want to be the spouse.
Makes me sound kind of wussy.

You're supposed to sound wussy.
That's the whole point.

Why can't you be the spouse?
I'm taller.

Well, if it's such a big issue,
I'll be the spouse.

You can be head of household.
That make you happy?

Well, happier than being the spouse.

Help me through this.

Ah...

Period of cohabitation.
What?

How long
since we moved in together?

Well, we want the full
five years back benefits, so six years.

Now, hang on. Hang on.
When did your missus sh**t through?

About six years ago. Perfect.

Yeah, so, what, she left and then,
straight away, we move in together?

What's wrong with that?
Well, I don't want to look easy.

It looks like I got you on the rebound.

OK.

So we saw each other on the sly
for 12 months before, OK?

Sounds reasonable.

It means neither of us
rushed into anything.

(LAUGHS)

Sometimes I seriously worry
about you, Ralphie.

Address of shared residence.

My place.

I don't want it going down
that I'm living in a projection booth.

Picky.

Now, orientation.

Well, the backyard faces north-east.

Sexual orientation, mate.

Sexual.
Oh.

I'll just put down couple of old up-your...

Bloody hell.

Oh, my old mum would spin
in her grave if she saw that.

Mate, private and confidential.

That means it's privileged information.
Strictly between us and them.

How could anyone around here
ever find out?

Yeah.

(ROOSTER CROWS)

(COW MOOS)

(WHINES)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh, Father.

(WHISTLES)
Top of the morning to you, Ralph.

And the rest of the day to you, Father.

(WHISTLES)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

They're sending a tax investigator
to interview us.

They're going to check our claim.
Oh.

Random testing of applicants.

Ralph, it's random.
Random, my ass.

With the bloody mess you're in,
I bet you the bloody alarm bells went off

the moment you walked in
through the door.

Oh, no, this has got nothing
to do with my tax problem.

They're just sending out an inspector
to check up that we're really gay.

The fact is, Vince,

that some ferret from the tax department
is going to grill us.

We're going to be
up sh*t creek in a matchbox.

Yeah, OK, I will admit
we've got a bit of a problem.

Bit of a problem?

Mate, we have attempted
to defraud the authorities.

They're going to hang us up by the balls!

Unless... we can convince them
we're telling the truth.

Vince, you are not gay.
Mm-hm.

I am not gay.
Mmm.

This bloke is going to be
an expert on gayness.

He's probably done a course on it.

We're done for.

Not necessarily.

I mean, how long can
an interview like this last?

An hour? Two, tops.

All we have to do is keep up
the act for that long.

What act?
I don't know how to look gay.

We're just going
to have to do a crash course on it.

Plenty of time up our sleeve.
He's not due here till the... 21st.

That's the day of the ball.

Oh, that's just bloody beautiful, that is.
Yeah.

Gives us plenty of time
to learn how to act like the real thing.

From who?

They're not exactly thick on the ground
around here, mate.

No, no, no, no, we're going to have
to go and see Jack and fess up.

See Jack? No way.
Listen, I'll come up with something.

Trust me. I always do.

But no-one around here
must ever know.

DELANEY: And cakes and biscuits.

That's our department too, Father.

We've already started getting organised.
Haven't we, girls?

Now, now, ladies.
Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

We need it to be fresh on the night.

FAITH: Oh, it will be.

DELANEY: Well, I think
that takes care of everything

unless anyone has anything
of interest to report.

No, uh...

Yvonne, dear, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Now, you sure?

Faith, um, can I tell you something?

Yeah.

Hey, Ralphie.

Did you get on to Vonnie back there?

Couldn't take her eyes off me.

Well, Vince, you are
a good-looking man.

Who's what?

I was just telling Vince
he's a good-looking man.

'Bye.

Come on.

(WHISTLING)

Father, excuse me.

Can I have a word?
Of course.

Hello, Faith.

How's the ball coming along?
Everyone behaving themselves?

Well, actually...

I can't believe we're doing this.

I can't believe
I never thought of it sooner.

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

I reckon it's all in the mannerisms,
you know.

If we can learn half a dozen of those,
we'd be home and hosed.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

VINCE: There goes Vonnie.

She scrubs up nice.

She fancies me, you know.

I think I'm going to take a little nap.

Nighty-night.

Hello, Faith.
Hello, Ivy.

Everything alright?

Oh, Ivy, you'll never guess
what's been going on in this town.

What?

(LAUGHS)

Oh! Oh. Goodbye, love.
I'll just tell the girls.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Ralph?

What size bed do you have?

Just a single.

I tossed the old double out.
It was buggered.

Well, where am I going to sleep?

Well, certainly not at my place.

Yeah, but what if the inspector guy
checks out your bedroom?

Well, he won't find you.

That's OK.

I got an old double bed
under the theatre.

We'll drop it off at your place,
just so it looks right.

Father. Nice day for it.

DELANEY: Just remember, boys,

God created Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve.

VINCE: Oh, sh*t, here we go.

(SINGS)

Follow him, Ralph.

Now, where the bloody hell
is he going out here?

What do you reckon
Father Xavier was on about?

Probably one of them beats, you know?

It's a special sacred meeting place
that only they know about.

RALPH: Maybe he's been
into the altar wine.

There's probably more of them
around here than we think.

You know, it takes
more than one to tango.

Hang on.
Where's he gone?

There he is.

Don't tell me Bert Nankervis
has joined the team.

Bert... gay?

Nah, he's a plumber.

JACK: So, anyway,
I bumped into Faith earlier.

She reckons something most unsavoury
has been going on under all our noses.

What?

Ralph Williams and Vince Hopgood
are having a h*m* relationship.

Come again?
(LAUGHS) Well, that's what she said.

Straight from the horse's mouth.

Bloody hell.

I used to go camping with those blokes.

Shared a tent.
We all did.

If they're poofters, I'm Nicole Kidman.

(LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGH)

What is it with that silly woman?

Someone needs to have
a word with Faith

before she spreads
that nonsense around.

Well, be my guest.
(CLUNK! WATER FLOWING)

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, well, better go and arrest somebody.

Hooroo.

(RALPH'S VOICE) I was just telling
Vince he's a good-looking man.

(LAUGHTER)

(EFFEMINATELY) That's hysterical.

Honestly, you're a couple of sillies.

(LAUGHS)

What on earth would I do
with a... urgh... woman?

Well, on Tuesday, you did that.

Wednesday,
young Mrs Yellup, I believe.

Thursday, the Crawford girl. There.

I've gone all hot.

Alright, I admit it. I'm straight.

But, look, we can keep this
to ourselves, can't we?

Fellas?
Listen, I'm just curious.

Why have everyone in town think
you're a pillow biter?

I'm a hairdresser, for f*ck's sake.
It's what they expect.

Anyway, it makes them feel comfortable
to think I'm one of the girls.

Plus no-one suspects you're tomcatting

half the wives and daughters
around the district.

Yeah, well...

Look, any chance
I can buy these photos?

No.

However, we would be
willing to trade them.

Trade them?

For what?

First, you have to learn to think gay.

So from now on, it's not "me" or "I".

No, no, no. You refer to yourselves
as "she" and "her".

Got it? Right.

Secondly, it's all a matter of learning

some body language
and some gestures.

First and most importantly, the walk.

Now, hold your hand out
as if you're being led

onto the dance floor
by Prince Charming.

Who?

Prince Charming.

Listen to me, please.
Head up, bum out.

Think Marilyn Monroe
crossed with a bit of penguin.

And left shoulder, right shoulder,
left shoulder, right shoulder,

left shoulder, pivot.

And I hope you were watching,
because now it's your turn.

RALPH: Can you imagine
how people around here would react

if they thought we were
a couple of whoopsies?

Same-sex couple, Ralph.

We should show a bit of respect.

I mean, if it hadn't been
for the good ol' poofters,

we wouldn't be getting this opportunity.

That's it. Come on, girls.
Put a bit of swish into it.

That's the way. Come on, Ralph.
For goodness sake.

Tummy in. Head up.
And turn and look.

And, Vince, show Ralphie
how to do it, please.

And watch Vince. Vince is turning.
Turn the body. Turn the head.

Yes, head-body's fine,
but preferably body, then head.

Thank you. And off you go.

VINCE: I reckon
it's only a matter of time

before same-sex marriage
is an everyday thing.

Here, let me help you, mate.

There you go. That'd be nice.

We could have a little ceremony.

Nothing flash, just us
and a couple of friends.

Yeah, maybe we could even
go on a honeymoon.

Or not.

OK, mate. Up she goes.

(HORN HONKS)

ERIC: The hips. There he is.
Go get him, tiger. (SNARLS)

OK, and turning.
Pivot. Thank you very much.

Swish, swish, swish.

Mince, for God's sake, Ralph.

Mince, come on.

(SNARLS)

Ooh, there's some dog poo on my shoe.

That's it. Pekingese.
Not a big dog, Pekingese.

Pivot and... Hello, boys.

OK, and what do you see?

Uh, a charming young lady.
Mmm.

Mm-hm. And what do you see?

Some ponce playing the piano.

Hmm.

Now, which one
do you find more attractive?

Alright, the ponce.

RALPH: Oh, no, not Rock.

Don't tell me Rock was.

Gay as a bag of butterflies.

God! Where have you been hiding
for the past couple of decades?

Yeah, even I heard about him
and Gomer Pyle.

Not Gomer Pyle!

(LAUGHS) Why not?

Well, he was in the army,
for goodness sake.

Well, if it's hot, don't touch it!

Out of the way, Fred.

What's up, Ralphie?

My back's still buggered
from your bloody bed.

I don't know what you're complaining
about. I did all the work.

(PETER ALLEN SINGS)
♪ Whoa, oh, when my baby

♪ When my baby smiles at me
I feel like Tarzan... ♪

Now, that's one I can understand.

♪ There on the hot sand

♪ And in a bungalow
while monkeys play above... ♪

Well, we won't be doing that.

DELANEY: Hi, Frances.
FRANCES: Oh, hi, Father.

Oh. So how are you boys getting on?

Good afternoon, Father.

(REPEATEDLY PRESSES KEYS)

Pull the plug, Ralph. Pull the plug.

(THUD!)
Oh!

He dropped a dollar.

Oh.

Got it?
Yeah.

Are you guys OK?

Oh, yeah.
It's just accounting business.

Just finished.

ERIC: Good, Vince, good. Yes.

And... ready for the pivot?

Pivot and look. Lovely.

Very good.

And what's wrong with Ralphie, hmm?

She's tired.
Oh, come on, mate.

You were just starting
to get really good at it.

ERIC: She's tired, is she?
Well, do you know something?

This is just not working, is it?

I know the inspector isn't here for
a couple more days, but this is hopeless.

You boys, you need to
immerse yourself in the culture.

You need to be where gay rules,
where queens abound,

where men are men
and women are totally superfluous.

You boys need to see what I've seen.

You need to walk the walk
and dance the dance, hmm?

In short, gentlemen, you need
to follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow. Yellow Brick Road.

Where?

(TECHNO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey, fellas,
don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Yeah, right, mate.

Crikey.

(DANCE SONG CONTINUES)

Whoa.

Vince.
Huh?

We're supposed to be gay,
remember?

Oh, right. What was that?

I don't know, but you keep your eye
on it and I'll go grab a stick.

They said right around here somewhere.

What about down here?

We'll give it a try.

OK, this will be no big deal.

We'll just go in,
bite the froth off a couple of beers,

observe a bit of the culture,
then we'll be done.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINES REV)

There.

Are you sure this is the place?

Oh, yeah, this is the place.

Hey, listen, ladies,
I think your dates have just arrived.

Hubba-hubba.

So what do we think?

Well, I think good luck, be careful
and I'll see you back in Yack.

Nah. Come on, mate.

It's not like they're going to try
and jump on us or anything.

I mean, look at us.
We're not exactly supermodels.

To them, we're just a couple
of old rough scrubbers.

Especially you.

I'll tell you what.

I think we're going
to have to go shopping.

Shopping? Shopping?

You look gorgeous.

Yeah.

Are you sure this is
what they're all wearing?

Absolutely.
Move around. Move around.

Um... A bit snug.

Hey, Ralph.

How do I look?

Like two pound of sausages
in a one-pound bag.

Well, they're supposed to be tight.
Aren't they?

Oh, yes, that's right, darl.
You look great.

(RALPH LAUGHS)

Yeah, well, alright, then. Let's have
a look at you, Mrs Fancy Pants.

You look divine.

They seem to fit very well.

Yeah, turn around.
No.

Come on, mate. Turn around.
No.

Ralphie, come on. Turn around.
No!

Perhaps I could find a pair
with the bum still in them.

That might help.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be lovely. Thank you.

('STAYIN' ALIVE' INSTRUMENTAL)

I'll tell you when you can get in, OK?

If I'd known it would come to this...

What, you got yourself a whole
new outfit, and you're still not happy?

Imagine what the mob
back in Yackandandah would say.

Mate, don't even joke about that.

You standing there
like four pence worth of God-help-us.

It's a pity that fellow couldn't find you
the other pair of pants.

Why? What's wrong with these, mate?
Ralphie.

I'm all for looking up old friends,
but that's ridiculous.

(LAUGHS)

Boys.

Hi.
In you go.

Nice hat, rag doll.
Thanks, mate.

(DEBORAH HARRY SINGS)
♪ Here comes the 21st century

♪ Here comes the 21st century

♪ It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me

♪ (ECHOING) For a girl like me,
for a girl like me

♪ It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me

♪ For a girl like me

♪ Hey!

♪ I want that man
I want that man

♪ I want that man... ♪

Yeah, I need a drink.

Hey, don't leave me.

♪ ..21st century

♪ It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me... ♪

Oh, don't worry about it, darlin'.
Little Timmy's going to look after you.

♪ I want that man
I want that man... ♪

Hi!

♪ I wanna dance with Harry Dean

♪ Drive through Texas
in a black limousine

♪ I want a piece of heaven before I die

♪ I want a pair of pink high heels

♪ Catch the lights
up on the Ferris wheel

♪ But what I really want,
I just can't buy

♪ Here comes the 21st century

♪ It's gonna be much better
for a girl like me

♪ 'Cause I want everything I can

♪ But most of all, I want that man

♪ I want that man

♪ I wanna move
like what's-his-name

♪ I'll keep the money,
you can have the fame

♪ Everything that's yours
will soon be mine.

♪ Yeah, I wanna be the queen... ♪

She's good.
Oh, yeah, right.

This place is something else, huh?
Got that right.

First time here?

Yeah, I'm just up from the country.

Um... certainly takes
all types, doesn't it?

You've got that right.

Hi, I'm Justin.

Oh, Vince. Nice to meet ya.

You too.

Yes?

Hey.
Oh, um...

Could I have a couple
of cold ones, mate... love?

Nice to meet you, Vince.
Yeah, you too, Justin.

Have a good night.
Same to you.

('INSTANT REPLAY' PLAYS)

Ralph.

This here is Laurie, Neil and Anthony.

G'day.
Everybody, Ralph.

Go on. Sit, sit, sit.

Just trying to work out
where I know you from.

Did we meet at the, uh, Old Glory Hole?

No, I'm pretty sure we didn't.

'99 Mardi Gras.
You were the one in the fig leaf.

TIMMY: No, no, I doubt it.

Ralph is just up from the country.

Yeah? You ride?
Pardon?

Do you have a bike?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
a Malvern Star, you know?

With the old Sturmey-Archer
three speeds.

Ooh-hoo, how cute.

You blokes ride?

Yeah, I got a '64 Pantha.
BM.

Mine's a Ducati.
But I do like Malvern Stars.

I've got an old Indian
in the garage at home

I've been meaning to fix for years.

Anyone we know?

I'm a mechanic by trade.

Really? Well, I have a sick Ducati.

I wonder if you could take
a look at it for me.

Oh, yeah, sure. No worries.

You look like a man who can dance.

Well, actually,
I had samba lessons when I was 15.

It was a great way to rub up against
strange women without getting arrested.

Or strange men, rub up against men.

So you swing both ways?

No, to the left, mostly.

Oh! Come with me. Cheeky!

Well, I was...
Come with me.

Ralph...

NEIL: I really appreciate this,
you know?

No worries.
TIMMY: So, Ralph.

Tell us where you and your friend
have been hiding out all this time.

RALPH: Uh, it's a little town
called Yackandandah.

(BLOWS)
You probably haven't heard of it.

The Sleaze Ball.
What?

Where I saw you before.
No.

NEIL: So when did you two
come out, then?

Today.

On the bus.

Yep, that's it.

Dirty fuel.

Should give it a test, though.

Sure.

You know, I really could have
done this on my own, Neil.

And now, for your entertainment,
give it up for the luscious, the gorgeous,

the breathtaking Monique.

(APPLAUSE, MUSIC STARTS)

♪ Looking at you,
my troubles are fleeing

♪ I'm admiring the view,
'cause it's you I'm seeing... ♪

NEIL: Now let me get you a drink.
What will it be?

Uh, just a beer, thanks, Neil.

Heineken, Redback,
Steinlager, Coopers?

As long as it's cold.

Where's your man?

Oh, haven't got a clue.

Look, don't get me wrong,
but you two seem like an odd couple.

Well, we're poofs, aren't we?

It doesn't get much odder than that.

(LAUGHS)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

(ALL LAUGH)

Hello.

Ralph, what's going on?
You playing tonight or not?

Fred. Uh, listen, mate. I'm in Sydney.

Sydney?
Yeah, I'm up here...

..for a visit.
Oh.

We were expecting you for poker.

You have got to meet Ralph.
She is so crazy.

Jeez, mate, I... I forgot.

She's up from the country
with her boyfriend.

Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow.

What's her name, Ralph?
Sorry, Laurie, what was that?

I said, what's your boyfriend's name?

Uh, Vince.

What was that about Vince?

Oh, Vince...

Yeah, he's here.

(APPLAUSE)

He's...

Ooh, careful, love.
Give a girl a hernia.

Who was that, Ralph?
Listen, Fred, I'm in a bar, mate.

It's very noisy. I've got to go.

I'll see you tomorrow.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS)

It seems Ralph and Vince
are in Sydney.

Really?
Why would they be in Sydney?

Must have gone up there for work.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Well, Vince does have a business.

Of course. He's a businessman.
Wears a tie and all.

Probably... gone up there
for business.

Oh, definitely.
I went to Sydney for business once.

See? It's quite common.

Yeah, of course it is.
Vince is a businessman.

He went up there for business.

Why do you think Ralph went?

Because... he's a mechanic.

Of course he is.
And a damn good one.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ Darling, life seemed so Grey

♪ I wanted to end it
till that wonderful day

♪ You started to mend it

♪ And if you'll only stay

♪ Well, then, I'll spend it
looking at you. ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Did you get any compliments
on your pants?

I think the undies
frightened them off.

(LAUGHS)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(BEAR YELLS)
Oh.

I didn't expect that.

Oh, neither did I. First prize, eh?

We must have been better
than I thought we were.

LAURIE: How you guys
enjoying the big city?

Well, to be honest, Laurie, if I hadn't
had seen it with my own eyes,

I never would have believed
a place like this existed.

Wonderful, isn't it?
LAURIE: Yeah.

A lot of things have changed
in the last 30 years.

Nowadays, it's in to be out.

No-one seems to notice anymore.

Oh, yeah?

You should come down
to Yackandandah.

I grew up in the country,
and I can tell you, it was not easy.

NEIL: You guys are heroes.
You know that?

I mean, you've lived
amongst all this prejudice,

and here you are,
years past your prime,

eyes filled with a passion
that's only for each other.

Yeah, just look at the two of you.

Beautiful.

You know... you make me proud
to be a gay man.

To Ralph and Vince.

OTHERS: To Ralph and Vince.

Who wants another drink?

You know, it's funny, mate.
And don't take this the wrong way.

But the worst thing
about all this gay business

is not that people think I'm gay.

It's that people think
I'm going out with you.

Eh?

Well, no offence, but if I was really gay,
I could do a lot better than you.

Yeah? I tell you what.

If I was really gay, I could do
a hell of a lot better than you.

Sorry, mate. I don't think so.

Oh, yeah, I'd have good-looking blokes
after me, you know,

like movie stars and that.

Like who?
Oh, Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds isn't gay.

No, but I could probably get him to turn.
You certainly couldn't.

Vince.
Yeah, mate?

I think it's just as well
we're going home today.

Yeah.

(TYRES SCREECH)

CARLA ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, Dad.

You're probably out helping Faith
get things ready for the ball tonight.

We're at Jindalong,
and Pete's just filling up the car.

We're probably going for a bite.

Just rang to see if you needed us
to bring a chicken or anything for tea.

But you're not home,
so we'll sort it out when we get there.

OK, see you soon, Dad. 'Bye.

YVONNE: Ah, Vince?

There was a gentleman here today
asking where you boys were earlier.

Uh... really?

Yeah, he said he was a bit early,
and I had no idea where you were,

but he said he'd be back...

Oh, here he comes now.

Um, Vonnie.
Mmm.

Me and Ralph are in a big hurry.

Can you do us a really big favour?
Yeah.

Will you just tell this guy to meet us
at Ralph's place in, say, half an hour?

Is everything alright?
Oh, yeah. Just a business thing.

Vonnie, thanks.

Oh, Vince.

(BEAR YELLS)

Ah! I'd like to wrap it nice for you.

(DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh.

He's here, Ralph. He's here.
RALPH: Who?

The bloody ferret from the...

Struth.

You must be the gentleman
looking for us.

I'm Vince Hopgood.
Ah.

And this big hunk is Ralph Williams.

And I'm Russell McKenzie.

Russell. Sorry, sorry to keep you waiting.
We just got off the bus from Sydney.

Didn't know you were going
to be here early.

No worries.

Um, could... could you be a dear
and give us 20 minutes

to slip home and take these rags off?

Of course.

You got the address, then?
I do.

Oh. Splendid.

Lovely... lovely day for it.

Super.

What's my favourite colour?
Purple.

It's blue.
Blue.

Remember, little things like that
will trip us up.

Sorry, love.

So remember, when we first
got together, I chased you,

and you played hard to get.

If you say so.
Good.

So how'd you do it?
Do what?

How'd you win me over?

I bought you flowers,
took you out to dinner.

Yeah? Where?
I don't know, the pub.

Oh! Cheapskate.
That wouldn't win me over.

Alright, I took you to that flash
restaurant in the Beachworth Motel.

Yeah, well, at least that's got
a bit of atmosphere.

Yeah, might have even treated you
to a naughty weekend.

I don't even want
to think about that.

OK.
What?

Mate, I don't want to do this
any more than you do.

But we got to look
like the real McCoy.

Argh.

Relax.

And...

No, no, no, no. I can't do it.

Ugh.
I can't believe you.

You still find all this
disgusting, don't you?

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

After all we've seen,
all the people we've met,

you still find h*m* disgusting.

No, I don't find h*m*
disgusting at all.

I just think it'd be disgusting with you.

Ooh.

Yeah. All the more reason
we have to rehearse.

Come on.

Come here. Here we go.

Not so bad.

Movin' up.

(CHAIR CREAKS)

Now enjoy it. Big Ralphie smile.

(CAR DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, sh*t, he's here.

You get the front door.
I'll finish getting changed.

(DOG BARKS)
Oh, sh*t.

He's coming round the back way.

Seems somehow appropriate.

(BARKING CONTINUES)

Oh. Hi, Dad.
Carla!

(LAUGHS)
Oh.

Oh. Ah.

Uh, listen, love, this is a bit awkward.

Do you think you could
come back a little later?

See, Vince... Vince and I have got
an important business meeting

with a bloke, see, in a few minutes.

So do you reckon you could take Peter
for a drive around town

or a drink or something?

OK. Is everything alright?
Oh, fine, fine.

It's just that this bloke,
he's come down from the city especially.

So if you could come back
in about an hour, OK?

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

CARLA: Hey, Vince.

Why is Vince...
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

I can't talk, love.
I think that's the bloke at the door now.

Look, I'll see you soon.

'Bye.
'Bye.

Well, hello.

Come in. Come in.
Entrez-vous.

Thank you.

Hey, baby, don't worry about that.
We'll come back in a while.

Oh, OK.

What the hell are you doing?
I've got to get out of here.

I can't do this.
Can't do what?

McKENZlE: I see you two are film buffs.

Oh, yes, we just adore the cinema.

Of course, it's wonderful
owning the local theatre.

You can't do what?
You can't desert me now.

No-one was supposed to know.
Now Carla's seen you.

I just had to lie to her, for God's sake,

and now I've got some freaking
tax inspector sitting in my living room.

Look, I'm sorry about that.
Bullshit you're sorry.

I was happy to go along with this
to help you out, but it's gone too far.

Come on. We can do this.

(BOTH CONTINUE MUTTERING)

RALPH: Ah, sh*t.

Oh! Cramp, cramp.

Here, here, push, push. Harder, harder!

(RALPH GROANS)

You OK in there?

Uh, we're fine.

Ah!

Let me stand on it.

On we go. We can do it. Come on.

No, Vince.
You're on your own, mate.

Mate, don't do this to us.

Sorry.

Oh, sorry to keep you waiting, Russell.

Ralph will be joining us in a moment.
He's trying to put an outfit together.

Can I get you something to drink?

Tea? Coffee? Something stronger?

No, I'm fine, thanks, Mr Hopgood.

Oh, call me Vinnie.

That's a... lovely tie
you're wearing, Russell.

Well, thank you.

My favourite colour, actually.

Oh, it's Ralph.

Mr Williams.

It was worth the wait. (CHUCKLES)

Come over here, dear.

Now, well, how can this gorgeous man
and I help you, Russell?

Well, Mr Hopgood,
I have to hand here

your application for official recognition
of your same-sex union.

Oh, yes, and I just can't tell you
how thrilled we are

that the government has finally
recognised our marriage, as it were.

Well, it's the validity
of that marriage, Mr Hopgood,

that I'm here to establish.

Unfortunately, this new law
is open to some abuse

by people with considerable tax debts,
for instance.

Needless to say,
people caught in the act

of participating
in such fraudulent activity

will be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.

So, now, exactly how
did you two good people fall in love?

Yes.

Well, how does one recall
the day, the moment?

I walked into the garage, and
he was standing there in his overalls,

screwdriver in his hand and deep
in the bowels of a truck engine.

And he looked up, and our eyes met,

and I think in that instant,
we both knew.

Mmm.
Hmm.

So was there a period of courtship?

Courtship?

Oh, I'll give you courtship, Russell.

He pursued me relentlessly.

Didn't you, Ralphie?
Well, I wouldn't say that.

VINCE: No, no, look at him.

Buttercup.

He gets embarrassed talking about it.

You see, we were both locals,

and growing up, Ralph was
this peculiar young man.

Always alone, mysterious.

And you, I mean...
Let me finish, darl.

But once he decided
that I was what he wanted,

well, then he showered me with gifts.

He sent me flowers and roses.

I sent him a wrench.

Well, before you knew it...

It wasn't... it wasn't that quick.

And, of course, there was the poetry.

Poetry?
Oh, yeah.

Beneath this shy exterior,

little Ralphie here
is quite the romantic.

Aren't you, sweetie?

Yeah, yeah.

You have any copies of these poems?

For my files, you understand.

Oh, you know...

I've no idea where they got to. It's...

Hmm.

Uh, but I can still remember
the first one.

Really?
Really?

Oh, yes.

It, ah... it went... something like this.

"Vince, Vince,

"you are my prince.

"You came into my life

"and you haven't left since.

"My love for you

"will always be true.

"Vince, Vince, my handsome prince."

Charming.
Thank you.

You devil.

Now, be careful there, boys.

Oh, hello, Carla.
Hello, Faith.

You don't have your father
with you, do you, dear?

No, I don't. Sorry.

Oh, he's just late
with the fire truck, that's all.

Oh, right. Faith, this is Peta.

Lovely to meet you, dear.

Up for the weekend?

CARLA: No, just the night, unfortunately.

I had to come and see Dad.
Oh, of course.

It must have been
a terrible shock for you, dear.

Sorry?

Well, when you heard
about your father and Vince.

Father and... Vince.

OK, what have they done now?

Each other, apparently.

And, yes, we just live for the cinema,

long drives through the country

and... and, of course,
Ralph just adores the ballet.

The ballet?
I love the ballet.

Do you have a particular favourite?

Uh...

Well, there's... there's...

..there's so many of them,
aren't there?

It's... it's really hard
to pick just... just one.

I think, uh... I think
I'd have to say, um...

The...'Nutcracker'.

Sweet.

'Nutcracker Suite'.

I saw a production of that recently
in Canberra.

Really good.

I see from my files that you were both
previously heterosexually married.

Have you both always known
that you were gay?

Well, Vince has.
Haven't you, darl?

Yeah, yeah, when we were younger,

Vince was always hanging
around the football club

offering to massage the players.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know if I should be
telling you this, Russell,

but... our Vincie
used to put it about a bit.

And behind the wife's back, mind you.

Mmm.
Well...

No, no, it's my turn, darling.
It's my turn.

Yes, remember... remember that time
with that young jackaroo, Vincie,

in the projection box?

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)
Yes, I walked in unexpectedly.

And... well, I didn't know what to think.

Yes, yes, but he's settled down
a lot since those days.

Haven't you, possum? Hey, hey, yes?

Yes, and it's all
because of you, buttercup.

(LAUGHS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Ah! Thanks, Stan.

Just leave 'em right there.
Thanks, mate.

Well...

That about does it for me.

Oh, finished so soon?

Yes, I'll send in my report.

You'll receive the results by mail.

Oh, splendid.

Oh, one thing.

You must get this sworn affidavit signed
and filled in by a local citizen,

preferably someone of prominence,

somebody who's known you both
for more than five years.

Oh, no problem at all, Russell.

We'll have it filled out and sent to you
before the week's out.

Oh.

These are lovely, aren't they?

Oh, yes, Ralphie grew them for me.

They're his favourite colour.
Oh.

Well, one of my favourite colours.

I love anything in the bluey, mauvey,
maroonish spectrum.

Don't I, Ralph?

Apparently.

Thank you. 'Bye.

'Bye.
'Bye.

'Bye.

G'day.
Cheerio.

Bye-bye.

Hey, all in all, that went really well.

Oh, yeah, really well.

What about this?

Oh, well...

We're really late.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
RALPH: And again.

(ENGINE RUMBLES)

Quick, the door!

CARLA: Dad, are you there?

Yeah, he's gone.

So this is the place where I grew up.

(ENGINE CHUGS)
VINCE: Alright!

You did it, Ralphie.

Right, now all we gotta do
is get to the hall in one piece

and find out if Stan saw anything
when he dropped the tomatoes off.

And if he did,
I'll come up with an excuse.

Yeah, you'll come up with an excuse.

Like what?
I'll think of something.

(HOEDOWN MUSIC)

Is the handbrake on?

What a day, hey, Ralphie?

At least now we can relax
among our friends,

just be our normal charming selves.

(HOEDOWN MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hello, everybody! Coming through!

Something yummy!

Something fruity and full of cream!

Oh, and a couple of cakes, as well.

God, he's good.

He's better than the real thing.

Oh, there's Stan.
I'm going to go and talk to him.

I gotta find Carla.

How was Sydney?

Sydney, ah...

..was OK.

So... why did you go?

I was...
Was it business?

Business, yeah, that's it.
Business.

Oh, Stan, when you got
a minute, mate...

Did you get the tomatoes?
Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Hey, Vonnie. I really want to thank you
for helping us out today.

That's OK, Vince.

No, I really want to thank you...

You know, like,
take you out to dinner.

Maybe the little restaurant in the motel

up in Beachworth.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Vince,
but it really isn't necessary.

Yes, it is.

What about lunch, then?

Let me buy you lunch.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I know - a picnic.

Nice little picnic in the countryside,
you and me.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Vince,
but what about Ralph?

What about Ralph?
What's it got to do with Ralph?

Well, he's your...

Well, you two are gay.

Aren't you?
Me, gay?

No, no, no, I'm not gay.

I'm, uh... bisexual, actually.

Oh.
Yeah, I've been my whole life.

Oh, Russell.

Didn't... didn't realise
you were still in town.

Yes, I've got another interview
in the area Monday,

so I thought, "What the hell?"

Stay on, enjoy the ball.
Oh, splendid.

Lot of weirdos in Sydney.

Saw you two together this afternoon.

Didn't want to interrupt.

MAN: I know what you two
have been up to.

Vince had dragged you
into one of his business schemes.

Am I right?
Yeah, well, I really can't talk about...

Ralph.

Hi, fellas.

What? What?

Oh, sweetheart, look who's here.

Oh, fabulous!

(QUIETLY) Oh, f*ck.

What's he doing here?

How the hell would I know?

Maybe he likes to dance.

This is not good, Vince.

I'll tell you what I do know.

Tonight, we're going to be gay.
Bullshit.

Carla's going to be here
with her boyfriend.

I'm not going to be anything
in front of them.

Need I remind you, Ralph,

that if Russell reports back
that we're not gay, we go to jail, pal.

Tax evasion, providing false information,

bad taste, God knows what.

Vince, this is the last time
I ever let you talk me into anything.

Mate, you were great today.

That's why I know
we can pull this off tonight.

Come on.
SINGER: ♪ I fare thee well

♪ I fare thee well

♪ I fare thee well

♪ I fare thee well

♪ I fare thee well

♪ I fare thee well. ♪

(APPLAUSE)
Thank you!

What would they be talking about?

He's probably telling them we're gay.
sh*t.

Maybe the boys are telling him we're not.
sh*t.

Do you expect
any more fires this summer?

Not two years in a row, no.

Ralph and Vince are in the fire brigade.
Really?

We've got to do something gay.

SINGER: OK, boys and girls.

Here's an oldie but a goodie!

(PLAYS JAUNTY MUSIC INTRO)

They're playing our song.

♪ When my baby... ♪
Dance.

You know, like at the club. Come on.

♪ I go to Rio... ♪

No bloody way.
♪ De Janeiro

♪ My, oh, me, oh

♪ I go wild and then
I have to do the samba

♪ And la bamba

♪ Now, I'm not the kind of person
with a passionate persuasion

♪ For dancin'
♪ Dancin'

♪ Or romancin'
♪ Romancin'

♪ But I give in to the rhythm

♪ And my feet follow
the beatin' of my heart... ♪

Same again. Same again.

♪ Whoa, oh

♪ When my baby
♪ When my baby

♪ When my baby smiles at me

♪ I go to Rio de Janeiro

♪ I'm a salsa fellow
♪ When my baby

♪ When my baby smiles at me

♪ The sun lightens up my life

♪ And I am free at last

♪ What a blast... ♪

Yee-hoo-hoo!

♪ Whoa, oh

♪ When my baby
♪ When my baby

♪ When my baby smiles at me
I feel like Tarzan of the jungle

♪ There on the hot sand

♪ And in a bungalow
while monkeys play above us

♪ We make love-ah

♪ Now, I'm not the type to let vibrations
trigger my imagination easily

♪ You know that's just not me

♪ I turn into a tiger every time
I get beside the one I love... ♪

Wow, your dad's a circus.

♪ Yee-ha!

♪ Ooh, whoo... ♪

Let's mince.

♪ Rio, Rio, Rio, Rio, Rio, hey! ♪

(SILENCE)

How about that, ladies and gentlemen?

Can they swing a shoe or what?

Carla!

(BAND RESUMES PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

Tssss... Ah!

♪ Rye whisky, rye whisky,
rye whisky, I cry

♪ If I don't get rye whisky... ♪

So, Vince.

What the hell was that?

♪ Well, if whisky was a river... ♪

Well, uh, Eric and Ralph and I

thought it would be a good idea
if we did a dance routine.

♪ Rye whisky, rye whisky,
rye whisky, I cry... ♪

Why?

♪ If I don't get rye whisky, I surely... ♪

Entertainment?

Oh, there's Vonnie. I've...

Vincent.
Faith.

You know, Mr Hopwood,
with moves like those,

one could be forgiven for believing...

..that you and Mr Williams
really were gay.

(LAUGHS)

Vincent, I know everything.

RALPH: Carla. Carla!

Where are you off to, sweetheart?

Dad, what on earth is going on?

I come home,
you won't even let me in the house.

I go off around town and people are
saying that you and Vince are gay,

and then I go home
and the house is completely weird.

Then I come here, and you and Vince
are making fools of yourself,

and everybody's laughing at you.

Oh, God.

Where do I begin? Ah...

Are you gay?

Well, uh...
Dad, are you gay?

Shh!

Now is not a good time.

Carla.
Dad, I don't want this, you know.

You're my father, for God's sake.
I don't want people laughing at you.

Sweetie, it's fine.
You don't know what it's like.

Yes, I do.

Your friends making comments
behind your back.

And you don't know the crap
that gay people go through.

Carla, I do.

Look, sweetheart...

..I can't explain
what's happening here.

Not right now, anyway.
But I know what you're talking about.

I was... I was as guilty
of all that business as anybody.

And I know how we all feel
about people like that.

People like what?

Well...

Hello.
Hi.

Dad, I want you to meet Peta.

It's nice to meet you.

Yeah.

Ralph, we got to talk.
What?

Hi, Carla.

RALPH: Wait, I'll be back.

So where's the boyfriend?

This better be important.
Oh, it is. It's important.

Faith knows.

The whole bloody town knows.
No, no, no, she knows everything.

I don't know how she does,
but she does.

I've got to talk to Carla.
No, mate, we can get through this.

Vince... we're f*cked.

Oh, look, I'll keep Faith
away from Russell.

You come up with an excuse
for the dancing.

The ball will be finished
and we're done.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINES REV)

We're f*cked.

Oh! Well, that's the tightest box
I've been jammed into for years.

Gentlemen, let's go find ourselves
some farm boys.

You two gorgeous men
couldn't tell me

where I could find
Ralph and Vince, could you?

MAN: I think they're in there.

(BAND FINISHES SONG)

Dad?

Just give me five minutes, OK?

Five minutes.

There's Vince!

(SINGSONG) Vincent, pretty little man.

(LAUGHS)

Look who's here.

RALPH: Excuse me.

Excuse me, everyone.

Can I have your attention for a minute?

Uh...

Now, I know some of you
are wondering what's going on.

And others have probably
made up their minds already.

But, for starters...

..I'd like you to welcome

some friends of Vince and mine
from Sydney.

(DEEPLY) G'day.

They're all wonderful people...

..who I know you're going to love

when you get to know 'em.

OK.

Now, I understand there's been
a bit of speculation around town

about Vince Hopgood and myself.

Well, it's nobody's business but ours,
what goes on between Vince and I.

We've been mates since we were kids.

Most of you have known us
all your lives.

Crikey, we've... we've lived and worked
amongst you for years.

That's what you should be
judging us by.

Not about what may or may not
happen between us in private.

Vince has been part
of every important event in my life.

He was my best man.

He was there
when my daughter was born...

..and...

..when my wife, Helen,
passed away.

He was a tower of strength to me.

See, it doesn't matter who you are.

If you have one real friend in this life...

..one person you can truly trust...

..then you're very lucky indeed.

Vince Hopgood has been
the best mate a man could have.

And, yes, for anyone out there
who's interested...

..I love him.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Did you just grab my ass?

Yeah, well, I'm only human.

I never thought for one moment
they were gay.

Nah, not a chance.

Mateship's a wonderful thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, take
your partners for the ladies' choice.

♪ Do, doodle-do, doodle-do
Doodle-oodle-oodle

♪ Do, doodle-do, doodle-do
Doodle-oodle-oodle

♪ Do, doodle-do, doodle-do
Doodle-oodle-oodle-do

♪ Love that girl

♪ Oh, gee

♪ My, oh, gee

♪ Well, yeah, oh, gee

♪ Why I love that girl
♪ Love that girl... ♪

Father, could I have
the pleasure of this dance?

Ooh!

Just kidding.

(LAUGHS)

Ah! Ah-ha-ha.

♪ Oh, hold me, baby
Squeeze me

♪ Never let me go

♪ Oh, I'm not taking chances... ♪

I don't know what's going on
with you and Vince...

..Dad, but you're amazing.

♪ Yes, I love her

♪ Yeah, I need her

♪ Why I love that girl... ♪

I love you, sweetheart.

I love you, Dad.

Oh.

Do you mind if I dance with this girl?

Be my guest.

But save a dance for me.

Both of you.

So where's the boyfriend?

Mm-hm.

♪ Never let me go

♪ Yeah, I'm not taking chances
because I love her... ♪

Ah.

Mmm.

♪ Gee
My, oh, gee

♪ Well, oh-oh, gee... ♪

Oh.

Ah! Ha ha!

Gentlemen.

Oh, Russell.
Russell.

Now, I'm going to be
brutally honest with you guys.

After our meeting today,
I have to say I was convinced

that you two were nothing more
than a pair of criminal jokers.

Really?

Who deserve the full weight
of the law thrown at them.

But tonight I witnessed
something quite special,

what appeared to be
an honesty and a tolerance

that, sadly,
is very rarely displayed these days.

And then Faith came
and talked with me.

And, well, after what she said...

..I don't believe I'm likely
to encounter a tighter bond

or a stronger love between two men
for many a day to come.

So, listen,
just stop the silly charades, eh?

Care for each other.

If more people in the world did that,

well, the world would be
a far sweeter place, don't you think?

Thank you, Russell.

And Mr Hopwood,

in future, get yourself
a bloody good accountant.

And good luck to the both of youse.

Thanks, mate.

Hello, boys.
Having a fun evening?

VINCE: Faith?

Why?

Well...

..no-one likes the tax department.

Oh!

Mr Williams, one thing.

My car needs a couple of things
doing to it.

Would that be possible?

Oh, of course, Faith.

Just drop it in.

Be my pleasure.

And Mr Hopgood,

I've heard a whisper
that some of the city cinemas

have got a thing called a gold pass.

Do you have those sort of things?

I'll make you one, Faith.

Oh, Mr Hopgood, you spoil me.

She is a piece of work.

Women, mate,
they're a different breed of cattle.

In a totally different paddock.

Yeah, well, we got through this,
we'll get through that.

♪ Never let me go... ♪

Fabulous!

♪ And I'm not taking chances
because I love her

♪ I love her so... ♪
Hey, Ralph.

Half the people in town
still think I'm gay, right?

What do you reckon?
Vinnie's Massage Parlour.

Strictly for women only.

Eric will be furious.

Hey, Vince.
Yeah?

You know, you do have a nice ass.

What, this old thing?

♪ Why... ♪

(LAUGHS)
♪ I love that girl

♪ Love that girl. ♪

(GROOVY SAMBA MUSIC)