01x05 - A Matter of Life and Death

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hi, Alice.

Hi, Trix.

Hey, where have
you been all day?

I came down twice
and couldn't find you.

Oh, don't ask, Trix.
What a day I've had.

I left the house right
after Ralph this morning.

You know that dog my mom has?

Oh. You mean
Ginger, the big collie?

Yeah, that's the one.

Well, the poor dog's
been very sick, you know,

and it's worried my
mom something terrible.

Oh...

So, she asked me the
first thing this morning

if I'd take the dog down
to the veterinarian's

and see what was wrong with him.

Mm-hmm. Well,
what'd the vet say?

Well, he said I'd
have to leave her there

and he'd send
me the report later.

I told him to send it by
messenger, not by mail.

I don't want Ralph finding
it in the mailbox. Why?

Well, you know how
he feels about that dog

always snapping at
him and everything.

Oh, yeah.

So I don't want him to know
I'm spending any money on it.

Trixie, don't breathe this
to a soul, not even to Ed.

Guess how much it's
costing me? How much?

Ten dollars.

Ten dollars! To examine a dog?

Isn't that something?

I went with Ralph the other day

when he had a
checkup at the doctor's,

and it only cost
him three dollars.

Hey, is there anything
wrong with Ralph?

Oh, no, you know, just
the regular checkup.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hiya, hon.

What's the matter
with me, Trixie?

Don't I get nothing?

I'm too tired.

How do you like that?

I been working down the sewer
all day long, and she's tired.

That's another reason.

Very comical.

Save your jokes for the butcher.

My dinner ready yet?

On the stove. It'll be
ready in just a few minutes.

Look, Alice, I'll see
you later, honey.

Wait a minute,
Trix, I'll go with you.

I wanna go up on the roof
and get some wash off the line.

Ralph, don't let
the soup boil over.

I'll be down in a minute.

Okay, hon.

I tell you, Ralph.

You got a sweet kid
there, a sweet kid.

She's a doozy.

Hey, what do you say we
do a little bowling tonight?

Get a little practice sh*ts
in there before the match?

Nah... I don't
feel like bowling.

You know, I didn't say anything,

but I haven't been
feeling well lately.

As a matter of
fact, Alice took me

over to see the
doctor the other day

and he gave me an examination.

He's a very good
doctor, that Dr., uh...?

What's his name?

Uh, well, I don't know his name,

but did you hear what he
did for Callahan, the plumber?

No, what'd he do?

He kept Callahan alive
until his wife caught up

on the insurance payments.

Very fine doctor.

Gave me an
examination, you know.

Well, what seems to be the
trouble? Where does it hurt?

Oh, there's no pain or
anything. I'm just tired.

I don't know, I don't
feel like doing anything.

I sit around and mope...

Yeah?

Does Mrs. Kramden
live here? Yeah.

The doctor told me to
deliver this report here.

Oh, I'll take that.

The doctor told me to give it to
nobody else but Mrs. Kramden.

I'm Mr. Kramden!

Your hand is very dirty.

Well, there it is, Norton,
the doctor's report.

I sure hope it's
good news, Ralph.

Well, I hope there's a little
something wrong with me.

I'd like to lay off
for a couple weeks.

What's the matter,
Ralph? What's the matter?

Get a load of this:

"Dear Mrs. Kramden,

"in compliance
with your request,

"I am sending this report by
messenger rather than mail,

"because you said you didn't
want your husband to see it.

"I'm afraid it's bad news.

"A condition of arterial
monochromia exists.

"This is a rare disease that
usually affects only boxers.

"The first visible
signs of the disease

"will be a falling out of
the hair and irritability.

"There is a tendency for
the tongue to turn blue,

"and he'll tire easily.

"This will be
accompanied by chills

and he'll spend most of
his time near the stove.

"I have enclosed some pills.

"Give him one a day in
a saucer of warm milk.

"Be affectionate.

"Make him comfortable,

"and he may live for
as long as six months."

Well, that's it, Norton.

Six months I'll be dead.

Listen, don't get
excited, will you?

Doctors can be
wrong, too, you know.

How about a friend of
mine. Doctor examined him,

gave him only six
months to live, too.

Boy, he made a
monkey out of that doctor.

What happened? He lived
for almost eight months!

What difference does it make?

Six or eight months?

Look, Norton, you got
to promise me one thing.

I don't want you to tell
Alice anything about this.

I don't want her to
find out a thing about it.

All right, all right.

But what's gonna
happen after six months?

She's gonna notice you're
not coming home nights.

You know, I never
thought I'd go out like this.

I haven't even tasted life yet.

My whole life has
been a struggle,

ever since I was a kid.

I started out
delivering newspapers.

Then I got a job with the A & P,

delivering groceries.

Then the depression came.

I got a job with the W.P.A.,
shoveling snow to eat.

That's how I met Alice... she
used to hand out the shovels.

One thing led to another
and we got married.

Got a job on a bus and I've
been struggling ever since.

14 Years ago and I've
been still struggling!

I come into this
world with pink cheeks

and a healthy pair of lungs

and a lot of big ideas.

How am I going out of it?

A bald head... blue tongue,

and a saucer of warm
milk with a pill in it.

Well...

You know, when I
think of poor Alice.

In six months she's
gonna be left all alone.

Six months, left alone
to fend for herself.

That reminds me, Norton.

Do you know I've
never made out a will?

If I only got six months to go,

the first thing I gotta
do is make out a will.

Oh, yeah. Hey, making
out a will is pretty important.

I mean, you wouldn't want
all this stuff put in escrow.

And by the way, Norton, I
won't forget you in my will.

I'm leaving you
my bowling shoes.

Boy, thanks, pal.

You know, I was
just gonna go out

and buy myself a new
pair of bowling shoes.

This couldn't happen
at a better time.

"To whom it may concern,
"I, Ralph Kramden,

"leave my wife, Alice Kramden,

"all of my worldly possessions.

I leave her my..."

I leave her my, uh...

Norton, I haven't got
any worldly possessions.

I'm going in six months
and I've nothing to leave her.

Not a cent.

I gotta leave her
something. Hey.

Hey, wait a minute.
I just got an idea.

Look, as long as
you're going anyway,

why don't you sell
your body to science?

If they pay by the pound,
she'll be left a millionaire!

Why don't you shut up?

Hey, I just thought
of something else.

You know, you got a
very interesting story there.

A story of a man doomed
to six months to live.

Why don't you do like
a friend of mine did?

He had the hiccups
for three weeks,

and he sold his story to
a magazine, you know,

The American Weekly.

Got $5,000 for it!

$5,000 for a story
about hiccups? Yeah.

I ought to be a cinch
to get $10,000 dying!

This is a real
human interest story.

People want to read about this!

Everybody'll read it.

I can see it now,
the first installment.

The title of it:

"Doomed Man Has
Only Six Months to Go."

Uh, I think that's a
little lengthy for the title.

They'll probably chop it
down, make it shorter, like, uh...

"In Six Months,
Blimp Takes Off."

Mr. Parrish,

there's a man outside
and I can't get rid of him.

What man? He's a nut!

Says he's got a story for you

and he won't go away
till he tells it to you.

Well, just tell him
I can't see him.

No, wait a minute, d*ck.

You said you need
a new lead story.

Maybe this guy
has got something.

All right, Shirley, send him in.

All right, Mr. Kramden.
You can come in now.

Thank you very much.

All right, we haven't got
much time. What's your story?

This may come as a terrible
shock to you gentlemen,

but you're looking at a man
that has only six months to live.

All right, but
what's your story?

That's it.

I'm gonna die in six months.

You could put the
story in your magazine.

Be a riot.

Be better than the one
you got in there now

about "I Was a Mambo
Dancer for the FBI."

Believe me.

Look, I'm sorry for your
trouble. We can't use it.

But you gotta use it.

I don't want the
money for myself.

I want to give it to my wife.

I'm gonna die in six months
and I got nothing to leave her.

I told you, I'm sorry.
We can't use it.

Yes, sir.

Uh, ah, wait a minute.

d*ck, this may be just
what we're looking for.

What do you mean?

The heart angle.

"Doomed man finds out he's
only got six months to live.

Not concerned about
himself. Thinks only of his wife."

We'll play it up big.

Run the story every
week for six months.

Everybody'll be waiting
for him to drop dead.

Sure, this is a natural.

Think of the
pictures we could run.

Look at that
face... It's pitiful.

I tell you, we can make
this guy a national hero.

He'll be another Davey Crockett.

Are you sure you only
have six months to live?

Oh, yes, sir. Honest.

You know, if you were just making
this up to collect some money,

that would be a
pretty serious offense.

And if we printed this story,

and you didn't
die in six months,

we could be laughed
out of the business.

You know what we'd do then?

We'd have you thrown
in jail 20 years for fraud.

I wouldn't lie to you
about anything like this.

Not about dying. Here,
I got the proof of it here.

Here's the doctor's report.

Hey, d*ck, there's
a great angle there.

When his tongue starts turning
blue, we'll do a color spread on him.

Shirley, call the shop.
Tell them to get set up.

We got a new lead
story for the next issue.

Well, we're gonna do
your story, Mr. Kramden.

Thank you.

Right up to the
minute you drop dead.

Ralph?

Ralph?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

What is the meaning
of this, Ralph?

And what is this crazy story

about you having
six months to live?

It's not crazy, Alice.

I got less than
six months to live.

That's why I sold
the story to them.

I didn't have any money to
leave you after I was gone.

I sold them the story,
they gave me $5,000 for it,

and I put it in the
bank under your name.

I don't know what you're
talking about, Ralph.

All I know is that
you are not dying.

Gotta be convinced, huh?

All right.

Here's the doctor's report.

Well, aren't you
the merry widow?

You'll probably be
hysterical at my funeral.

I was wondering what
happened to this report, Ralph.

The doctor said he sent it over.

"Blue tongue, bald
head, saucer of milk..."

Oh, Ralph, this is a riot!

This is a riot!

We'll see how much
of a riot it is when

you've got to finish the
payments on the ice box.

Ralph, you're not dying.

This report happens to be
from Dr. Morton, the veterinarian.

This is about Mom's dog, Ginger.

You mean I'm not dying?

Of course not.

"Arterial monochromia"
happens to be a disease

that comes from
scratching for fleas.

I'm not gonna die.

Alice, this is like
being born again!

You don't know what it is

to think you're gonna
die in six months.

I'm gonna live.

Alice, we're gonna celebrate.

We're going to every
Chinese restaurant in town!

I want you to know
money is no object.

You know the $5,000
I got for the story?

We're gonna spend
every cent of it celebrating!

I'll be right out.

Ralph!

What's the matter, Ralph?

The $5,000 that
I got for the story!

I told them I was
gonna die in six months.

Now I ain't gonna die.

I got the money under
false pretenses. That's fraud.

But, Ralph... I
can get 20 years.

Ee-yaah!

Oh, what'd I do with
those smelling salts?

Hi, Ralph.

Hey, Ralph, I got
this here article...

Boy, what a surprise... Ralph?

Hey!

Ralph!

Ralphy, boy...
Ralph, speak to me.

You hear me?

He's gone.

He didn't even
last the six months.

He didn't last the six months!

The poor little kid.

The poor little fat kid!

Well, you won't be driving
the bus anymore, Ralph.

Not the Madison
Avenue bus, anyway.

From now on it'll be,

"step to the rear of
the paradise express!"

Never again will you
wear these little socks.

Never again will you
wear this little cap.

Never again will you
wear these little pants.

Boy, I'm glad you're here.

You hold his head while
I put this under his nose.

It's no use, Alice. It's no use.

He must be approaching
the pearly gates right now.

At this time, they're probably tearing
down part of the fence to let him in.

All right, Alice.

Eeeey!

Ralph, you're alive.

Just a moment ago, you were
stone cold dead on the floor!

I wasn't dead! I fainted.

I'm not going to die!

You mean, never?

I don't mean never!

If I don't die in six months,

they'll see that I do.

It was all a mistake.

There's nothing wrong with me.

That report was about a dog.

Well, that's wonderful, Ralph.

That's good news. What
are you so glum about?

I just told ya.

Now that I ain't gonna
die, they're gonna k*ll me.

Ralph, there's only
one thing you can do.

Only one thing. You
just gotta go down there,

give them back the $5,000
and tell them the truth.

They don't care
about the $5,000.

This installment is
on the stands now.

They'll be laughed
out of the business.

What are they gonna
put in the next installment?

"Bus Driver Won't Die
from Scratching Fleas"?

Shut up!

I gotta think of something,
Alice. I gotta think.

Oh, don't think, Ralph.

Don't think.

Because if you think, Ralph,

you're only gonna
get into trouble.

Oh, you gonna get yours.

Leave me alone!

"I'm gonna get in trouble."

I got a choice of
dying in six months

or getting twenty years,

and she says I'm
gonna get in trouble.

There must be
some way out of this.

Wait a minute. What, what?

Suppose a doctor saw this
story in a magazine, see,

and flew into New York,
and was the only doctor

could cure arterial monochromia?

That ought to satisfy them
down at the magazine office.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute!

Where you gonna find a doctor

that can cure arterial
monocrumnanee?

You haven't even got it!

I don't mean a real doctor.

I mean a guy who
pretends to be a doctor.

If I could get some
friend of mine,

somebody I know real well,
that could do this for me.

Somebody I trust.

Norton?

Would you do this for me?

Don't touch me,
Ralph. I'm sterile.

If you'll just wait in here.

Mr. Gersh will be
right with you, Doctor.

Please don't touch
me, nurse, I'm sterile.

Will you stop
that sterile stuff?

For once in your life,
will you be sensible?

Do you realize if they think this
is a hoax, I can get 20 years?

Well, Mr. Kramden!

Mr. Kramden, this story of yours
is certainly selling magazines.

The whole country is
Kramden conscious.

Wait'll they see
the next installment.

That's what I come
down to see you about.

There's not gonna be
any next installment.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, I'm not
gonna die in six months.

What?

I want you to meet
a friend of mine.

This is Dr. Norton.

Dr. Norton, this is Mr. Gersh.

He's a doctor.

How do you do, Doctor?

Ah, please, sterile.

Will you stop that.

Ah, you see, here's
what happened.

Dr. Norton is the only
doctor in the country

who can cure
arterial monochromia.

So he saw the story
in the magazine,

and he flew into New York
and he's gonna take care of me

and I'm gonna be cured, so
I'll just return this check to you.

Thank you very much,
we have to go now.

Wait a minute!

Come back here.

Anything wrong?

Anything wrong?

Kramden, I'm certainly glad that
you don't work on my magazine.

Here you've got a great
story right under your nose,

and you can't see it.

Don't you realize
what this means?

This doctor here reads
your story in our magazine

and flies in to save your life.

What a follow-up
this is going to make.

" American Weekly
Saves Man's Life."

Next week we're going
to do a story on Dr. Norton

and his cure for arterial,
uh, monochromia.

You can't do that.

We'll do the whole thing.

A spread with pictures.

Oh, you couldn't use any
pictures... he's very modest.

Oh, I wouldn't
mind a few pictures.

Will you stop?

You'll see, Mr. Kramden.

You'll stay out of this, please?

Thank you very much.

Now, if you'll come
here, Dr. Norton.

I'd like to ask you a few
questions about your life.

Now, tell me, what
school did you attend?

Uh, P.S. 31, Oyster Bay.

No, I, uh... I mean
what medical school?

Oh. Uh, Oxford.

Oh, in England.

Is that where it is?

You mean you went
to school at Oxford

and you don't know
it's in England?

Well, tell you the truth,
it's so foggy over there,

I don't know where it was!

Dr. Norton,

just exactly where do
you practice medicine?

Oh, I don't have to
practice it, I know it.

Dr. Norton, you
know what I think?

I think that you're no doctor.

You're a phony!

Mr. Kramden, this
whole thing is a hoax!

It's bad enough for
you to come here

and try to dupe this magazine
with your phony story.

But to give false hope to
poor Mr. Kramden here,

who has only six months
to live is unforgivable.

You know where you
belong? You belong in prison!

And I'm going to see
that you're sent there

for the rest of
your life, if possible!

I don't want to spend
the rest of my life in jail!

Oh, will you shut up?

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Mr. Gersh, if there's
anyone pulling a hoax, it's me.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's a long story.

You'd better sit down.

You better sit
down, too, Norton.

I can't, it's not sterile.

Will you stop
with that sterile?

Well, it's like this.

See, my wife had a dog.

That is, her mother had a dog.

And they took this
dog to the hospital

the same time they took me.

Ralph, will you stop
eating the blueberry pie

and finish telling
me what happened?

I finished telling
you what happened.

I told him it was all a mistake.

That was your mother's
dog the doctor's report about.

I didn't have arterial
monochromia.

I know, but after that,
what did he say then?

He didn't say nothing.

He just sat there
and stared at me.

Well, then what
did he say, Ralph?

Well, he said that he
wouldn't press charges

if I'd let him use the
story as it turned out.

He said that the public
would like this story even better

than the one about me dying.

I wanna tell you
something, Alice...

You don't know
what I been through.

Every night, taking a
saucer of milk with a pill in it.

Wasn't able to sleep at night,

thinking my hair was
gonna fall out in the morning.

Looking at my tongue
in this mirror all the time.

Ha!

Did you have to give
me blueberry pie?