01x07 - Better Living Through TV

[bunniefuu]

Well, come on, Ed.

If you don't mind,
Trixie, I'd rather not.

Stop being so silly
and come on out here.

Suppose somebody sees me.

Who could possibly
see you? Now, come on.

Would you mind
hurrying up, please?

I got an allergy to crinoline.

Stop complaining.
Get up on that chair.

It'll only take me just one
minute to measure this hem

and then you can
get right out of it, Ed.

Do you have to smoke that cigar?

Please, it's the only
link left with the old me.

Where are the scissors?

Oh, wait, I know where
they are. Wait a minute.

Oh, hiya, Trix. Is Norton home?

He's not in. Go on downstairs.

What are you supposed to be?

Oh, I might've known
this would happen.

Just another case of
people caught in the web.

Oh, hello, Ralph. Hiya, Trix.

Ed! Ed, what are you doing?

Taking this thing
off. Fix it yourself.

Oh, well, I'll just have
to get Alice to help me.

Is she at home, Ralph?

Yes, she's down there.

All right, Ed, but someday

you're going to ask me
to do something for you.

I'm asking you right now...

Leave the premises.

Oh!

Geesh.

Norton, I'm glad she's gone.

I got something very important
I want to talk to you about.

What?

What would you say

if you knew a man that
was gonna make a fortune

and wouldn't let his
best friend in on the deal?

Well, I would say
he was pretty low.

Exactly, and
that's why I'm here.

Because I am going
to make a fortune,

and I'm gonna let
you in on the deal.

Here we go again.

What kind of a cr*ck is that?

I'll tell you what kind
of a cr*ck that was.

You come to me before, you know,
with a chance to make a fortune.

I can't stand to
make a fortune again.

I'm going broke!

All right, Norton, go ahead,
make your snide remarks.

Go ahead and miss
your big opportunity.

Miss your big chance.

Just because a couple of my
ideas went a little sour before.

A little sour? A little sour?

Ho, that's the biggest
understatement made

since General Custer said,

"Over that hill, I think
they're friendly Indians."

Look, Norton, I admit that some
of my past ideas weren't so hot.

But this one is
different. It's sure-fire.

Not only will we get all the money
that we lost on the other investments,

but we'll end out
ahead of the game.

And here it is, pal.

There it is.

There is the key that is gonna
open the door to a fortune.

Looks like an ordinary
can opener to me.

Oh, but it isn't an
ordinary can opener.

No, sir. This is the
household utensil of the future.

This has got everything.
It does everything.

Look at all these attachments.

Here, it opens up cans, it
takes corks out of bottles,

it cores apples, it scales fish.

It's got a screwdriver
attachment.

It cuts glass, it
sharpens scissors,

and there's a little thing here
to take corns off your feet.

And look... there's a guy

that works with me
down at the bus depot.

He's a bus driver.

Now, he's got a brother

that owns a warehouse
up in the Bronx.

Now, his brother has
2,000 of these up there,

just laying around
collecting dust.

It seems that a
couple of years ago,

some guy went up there and left
these up there, and never claimed 'em.

Now, all I have to do
is pay the storage on it,

and he'll sell me the whole
2,000 of these things for $200.

$200!

That means they're
ten cents apiece to us.

We can sell 'em for a buck!

You get it? We spend
$200, we make $2,000,

and the profit is
$1,800. We can't lose.

Can't lose, huh?

That's what you said when
we bought that parking lot

next to the space where they're
building up the movie house there.

You said people going to the movies
got to have a place to park their car.

How did I know they were
building a drive-in theater?

Listen to me a minute.

We've both got jobs, haven't we?

We ain't got no time to waste
knocking on people's doors

trying to sell this
here thing to them.

You are absolutely right.

And that's where
my big idea comes in.

I know how to sell 2,000
of these in five minutes.

How? What're you gonna do? How?

Well, suppose somebody's
got something today,

and they want to sell
it. How do they do it?

Well, the first thing
they usually do

is look you up
and sell it to you.

No, they don't!

They go on television.

Television.

I called up a
television station today

and found out that for $100,
they'll let us go on and have a spot.

During one of those
movie shows, you know.

During the intermission.

Well, there must be a million
people that watch those movies.

And there isn't a
housewife in America

that wouldn't pay
a buck for this thing.

I got to admit one thing, Ralph:

boy, television is
great for selling things.

Ah, you can say that again.

Well, my brother's a
good example for that.

He was home all the time,

looking at those
commercials on television.

He finally sold his set.

That is not what I mean.

If we go on television
and do a commercial,

we can sell the whole
2,000 of them right away.

And the beauty part of it is,

we don't have to
hire an announcer.

We can do our own commercial.

We know the product.

All we just have to
do is demonstrate.

Hey, wait a minute.

You mean to say
that if I'm crazy enough

to go with you on this scheme,

that I'll be on the television?

Certainly, you'll do the
commercial with me.

Well, what do you say, Norton?

Hello, out there
in television land.

What kind of day
has it been today?

Has it been a day you needed

a combination corkscrew
and, uh, wart remover?

Ha, Norton, my partner!

Now, look, all we have to do

is you get your half
the money from Trixie,

and I'll get my half of the money
from Alice and we're in business.

Hey, hey, wait a
minute. You mean to say

you haven't got your half
the money from Alice yet?

No, but that doesn't bother me.

It doesn't bother you?

I think this whole thing is
gonna be delayed a little.

I think my television debut
will be on Life Begins at 80.

Don't be a wise guy, Norton.

You just get your
money from Trixie.

I'll get mine from Alice.

I can handle her.

All I have to do is just
be a little firm with her,

and show her who's boss.

There's one thing I don't
want you to forget, Norton.

I am the king in my castle.

The king, Norton!

I rule my kingdom.

Alice is just a
mere peasant girl.

Just a servant to do my bidding.

I snap my fingers and she jumps.

I'm the king!

The king of my castle.

I'm just like Richard
the Lionhearted.

I rule with an iron hand.

Oh, that's telling her, Ralph.

It's all right.

Trixie sent me up to see if she
had some more thread around here.

Oh, hiya, sweetheart. Hi, Ralph.

Hey, that's a mighty friendly
way to talk to a peasant.

What's this peasant stuff?

I'll tell you what it is, Alice.

He's got something to tell
you and you better listen,

'cause he is king of the castle
and you are but a servant.

Go ahead, snap
your fingers, Ralph.

I'm dying to see her jump.

Don't forget, you are dealing
with Richard the Lionhearted,

who rules with an iron hand.

Why don't you shut up.

Go ahead, Ralph. Tell me.

There is something you
wanted to tell me, isn't there,

O mighty king of the castle?

Go ahead, rule
with an iron hand.

Come on, Ralph, tell me.

The peasants
have a right to know.

You think I won't tell you?

You think I won't tell you?

Is that what you think?
That I won't tell you?

That's right, O Richard
the chicken-hearted.

Just for that, I won't tell you!

Richard the chicken-hearted!

Alice, are you gonna give
me that money or are you not?

No, I am not, Ralph.

Now, when are you gonna come to
your senses and stop this nonsense?

You've not only kept me awake, but you're
going to wake up the entire building.

I don't care if I wake
up the whole world!

I want that money and
I'm gonna get it, Alice.

Don't you understand?

Norton and I, we chip in $300,

we make $2,000!

$2,000, Alice.

That's big, big, big!

This is probably the
biggest thing I ever got into.

The biggest thing you
ever got into was your pants.

You're being a
wisenheimer, Alice.

A wisenheimer.

Look, $2,000 is
only the beginning.

It's only the beginning.

After I get the $2,000
for selling these 2,000,

then I have more manufactured,
I go on television again,

and I make a fortune!

Alice, this thing is
the key to my future...

The key to my future!

Don't tell me they got
an attachment on here

for opening the
door at Bellevue?

Oh, you're asking for it, Alice.

You're asking for it, Alice.

And you're gonna get it.

You're gonna get it.

I don't know what second,
what minute, what hour,

but before the night is over,

you're gonna get yours!

Now, look, Alice, please,
it's simple arithmetic.

We buy something for ten cents,

we sell if for a
dollar! It's that simple!

If it's so simple, Ralph,
why didn't the man

who has these things
in his warehouse

sell them and
make this big profit?

Because he thinks
small like you do.

He thinks he's got to go from
door to door to sell these things.

That's where my
great idea comes in.

I go on television
and in five minutes,

I can sell the whole
2,000 of them.

Look, how long do you
think it would take that guy

to sell 2,000 of these if
he went from door to door?

About one minute if this was
the first door he knocked on.

Oh, I'd like to
belt you just once.

Oh, I give up.

You just don't want
to be rich, that's all.

That must be the reason...

That you don't want to be rich.

Listen, Ralph, I'm getting
pretty sick and tired of this.

Every week you come home with
some new, crazy, harebrained scheme.

That's all I've heard
for the past 14 years.

One crazy, harebrained
scheme after another.

That is all I have heard since
the day that we got married.

You heard one of my
harebrained schemes

before we got married.

I proposed to you!

Don't you ever say
that again, Ralph.

All right, I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't
have said that,

but I'm all excited, Alice.

$2,000.

I don't want the
money, it's not for me.

It's to get you things.

Get the television set you want,
the washing machine you want,

you can get the vacuum
cleaner you want.

Ralph, you don't have to
get me any of those things.

We got 'em already.

What are you talking
about, we got 'em?

Sure, there's our
television set over there.

Don't you remember, Ralph?

That's the one you
bought out of the profits

of that sure-fire investment
of yours. Remember?

The new invention that was
gonna do away with electric lights?

Wallpaper that
glows in the dark?

There's our vacuum cleaner
right over there, Ralph.

Isn't it a beauty?

You know how we got that?

I bought it as soon as the
money started just rolling in

from that other investment
of yours that couldn't miss.

The uranium field
in Asbury Park.

And we don't need a new
washing machine, Ralph.

That one over
there is just fine.

Do you remember the
scheme that got us that one?

No-Cal pizza?

Would you like me to point
out the rest of the things, Ralph?

No, you don't have
to. You don't have to,

just 'cause I made
a couple of mistakes.

Nobody's 100%, Alice.

You are.

You've been wrong every time.

All right, Alice, all right.

I'm asking you
for the last time.

Are you gonna give me the money?

No.

This is the last time, Alice.

No!

The last time!

No!

All right, Alice, all right.

Don't give me the money.

And if you don't
give me the money,

I am walking out that door.

And once I walk out
that door, it's for good.

I will never come
back in here again.

I will never set
foot in this building,

once I walk out that door.

You're gonna be awful lonesome
around here all by yourself, Alice!

Just remember,

you can't put your
arm around a memory.

I can't even put my
arms around you.

All right, Alice.

All right, Alice.

I don't want the money from you.

I'll get it somewhere else.

I'm glad you didn't
lend me the money.

I don't want anything from you.

I have found out
something tonight

that I've suspected
for a long time.

You don't love me.

You've never loved me!

Never loved me!

I know why you
married me, Alice.

I know why you married me.

You know why you married me?

Because you were in
love with my uniform.

Now, look, we still got a
little time before we go on,

so let's rehearse this thing
again until we get it right.

Look, look, look, look, I don't
want to rehearse anymore!

We've rehearsed
14 times already.

If we do it anymore,
I'll lose my "spontanity."

I don't care how many
times we rehearse, Norton.

We're gonna get
this thing right!

I know your type,
you're the nervous type.

We'll get on television,
you'll forget all your lines.

You gotta be as calm as me.

I'm not nervous, I'm very calm.

What is there to
being on television?

We know all the
lines and everything.

All we do is wait, and some
guy with a finger points at us,

and then we're on
television, we're on the air.

Then we go right through
the play like we did here.

And at the same time we're
doing this thing right here,

there's millions
of people out there

looking at their televisions

and listening to every
single word we say.

Wish you would stop
talking like that, nervous.

You're gonna get
yourself all Norton.

Now, let's rehearse it
again, if you don't mind.

You wanna do it once more?

Yes, I'd like to do it once
more. All right, let's go now.

All right, go ahead.

I'm ready, ready.

Oh, hello there!

I didn't expect no company.

You mind if we visit
for a while? Hmm?

As you can see, I'm
about to prepare dinner.

As you can plainly see

that all these
old-fashioned gadgets here

are a thing of the past.

That's why I'm known
as the Chef of the Past.

Believe me, it is a hard
job to prepare a meal,

using all these
old-fashioned gadgets.

Take this cheese grater here,

and this corkscrew here.

Boy, I wish somebody would
invent a household utensil

that would do the
work of all of these.

Pray tell, who are you?

Oooooh!

I am the Chef of the Future.

I heard your wish, and I
have come here to answer it.

You mean to say that you have
invented a household utensil

to do the work of all of these?

Ha-ha!

I will show you, nonbeliever.

Not only will this helpful
housewife happy handy

do all the work of
these old instruments,

but it will also do
them 100% better.

I will demonstrate to you,

and to you, dear
friends in television land,

exactly how it works.

Now, we will demonstrate by
first you, the Chef of the Past,

doing a chore with
an old implement,

and then I will do
the same chore

with this new implement.

And we will see then, there.

Very good, O Chef of the Future.

First, we will sharpen a Kn*fe

using the old-fashioned
sharpening stone here.

Ha-ha! Aren't they ancient?

Well, let us see what
kind of a job it does.

Now, to test the
cutting edge of the Kn*fe.

Ha-ha!

There, it is finally done.

Ha-ha!

Watch this.

There you are, much faster.

Amazing, the hair
never had a chance.

This is an improvement
and proof you cannot dispute.

This is all going
on live, not on film.

Another proof of a happier
life through television.

Now, O Chef of the Future,

I will admit it's true that it
can sharpen a Kn*fe better.

But, can it core a apple?

Certainly, it can core a apple.

He will core a apple with
an old implement, ha-ha,

and I will core a apple
with the new implement.

Don't core it this time, Norton.

We'll need that for the program.

Just go through the motions.

What a rough job this is!

There, it is finally done.

Ha-ha! Watch this.

Zip, zip, zip, finished.

Amazing.

Maybe...

Maybe we ought to say
something about spear fishing.

No.

No, that'll be on it...

Get rid of the skate key.

You don't need that
on there anyway.

All right? All right.

Now, for a can opening project.

Oh, yes, we will now open a can.

Oh, Mr. Kramden.

You won't be able
to rehearse anymore.

We're having a
break in our movie.

Should come up any minute now.

But we got to rehearse
again. You'd better get ready.

We got to rehearse again.
We're not finished yet.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kramden,

you're scheduled for
the third commercial.

We're having a break right away.

Right away?

That's right. Now, if you
gentlemen will take your positions.

Positions, now?

At the beginning
of the commercials.

Yes, sir.

Ralph, you're going
the wrong way.

You come in there.
That door, there.

That's better.

All right.

Testing, testing,
how now brown cow.

One, two, three, four.

Testing, test... Hey, boy.

You know, Ralph, I'm getting
a little nervous out here.

I don't know how you can
keep so calm back there.

Okay, Norton, get ready.

20 seconds.

15 seconds.

Ten seconds.

Five seconds.

Go!

Oh, hello there!

I didn't know I had company!

Do you mind if I visit with
you for a while? Hmm?

As you can see,

I'm about to prepare a dinner.

As you could also
see, I'm a chef.

Now, this table is loaded with
old-fashioned household gadgets.

That's why I'm the
Chef of the Past.

Boy, oh, boy, what a hard
job trying to put a meal together

with these old
household gadgets.

Like this cheese grater here,
and this corkscrew over here.

Whew! I wish that somebody
would invent a household utensil

that would do the
work of all of these.

I say, I wish that somebody
would invent a household utensil

that would do the
work of all of these!

Am I coming through out there?

Pray tell, who are you?

Pray tell, who was that?

Pray tell, who are you?

Chef of the Future.

Oh, hello, I'm glad to have
you aboard, Chef of the Future.

I'm the Chef of the Future.

Hello, I'm glad to have you
aboard again, Chef of the Future.

What have you come to show me?

Have you invented
a household utensil

that does the work of all
these old household gadgets?

This is not on film,

this is coming to you
very live before your eyes.

What have you brought me?

I have brought you this
handy housewife helper.

Where, O Chef of... Here!

What does it do?

It does all of it.

Come with me to the table.

Can it sharpen a Kn*fe?

Oh, it can sharpen a Kn*fe.

So much for the
Kn*fe sharpening.

Tell me... tell me,
O Chef of the Future,

Can it core a apple?

Oh, it can core a apple.

Good. I will core a apple
the old-fashioned way,

and see how slow it takes me.

And then you will
core it the modern way,

and zip, zip, we'll
see how fast it is.

Ha-ha. There, I am through.

I will now do it the modern way.

Zip, zip!

It's zip... It's zipping,
the modern way.

Amazing!

Modern way.

Zip, zip, and it's done.

Another proof of a happier
life through television.

Ha-ha.

Oh, tell me, Chef of the Future,

what else can your
marvelous instrument do?

It can open a can.

It can open a can?

Ha-ha.

We all know that the
old-fashioned way of opening a can,

we have to go round
and round the edge,

and it takes quite a long time.

Let us see how the
Chef of the Future

will open a can with the
Handy Housewife Helper.

Can, ha-ha.

Amazing! Zip!

Zip, zip, zip.

Want this? No.

Zip, zip, zip.

The phone number's
Bensonhurst 5-6698.

Hurry up, get yours,
while they're here.

Ha-ha!

Amazing. Zip, zip.

Another proof of a happier
life through television.

If my wife Trixie's looking in,

and when I get home,
she says, "I told you so,"

I'm gonna belt her
right in the mouth!

Ha-ha! Ahhh!

If you were an...

And now back to Charlie Chan!