01x20 - Young at Heart

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Honeymooners". Aired: October 1, 1955 – September 22, 1956.*
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One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.
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01x20 - Young at Heart

Post by bunniefuu »

( knock on door )

Come in.

Oh, hello, Judy.

Hi, Mrs. Kramden.

Something wrong, Judy?

Wrong? Oh, nothing could ever
be wrong again.

I've just met the coolest
dreamboat ever!

Oh, you're in love again?

Not again, Mrs. Kramden,
this is it.

I finally found
my super atomic passion.

I'm gonna be his angel cake
forever and ever.

I'll be Wallace's
for all eternity.

Wallace? What
happened to Freddy?

Oh, Mrs. Kramden!
Freddy was so icky!

A real termite.

Strictly out of the wood.

Besides,
he was a mere child.

You know, Wallace is...
is a real man.

Well, just how old
is this Wallace?

He's almost 18.
Oh.

He's a real man
of the world.

And I've got a date
with him tonight.

That's why I came up here
to talk to you.

See, I hope you don't think
I've been too nervy,

but I've asked him to
meet me here at your apartment.

So as soon as he gets here,
would you call me?

You don't mind, do you?

No, of course I don't mind,
but why have him meet you here?

He's never met my father

and I don't want
to take any chances.

Oh, well...

where are you and Wallace
gonna go tonight, Judy?

We're going over to
the amusement park,

and we're gonna
go roller skating.

See, they're having
a bop... a bop contest.

Uh-huh.

And we're gonna go on
some of the rides,

like the roller coaster,

the tunnel of love.

Oh, boy, you kids
certainly have fun.

Roller skating,
bop contest.

Oh, dear, Ralph and I
haven't done anything

like that in years.

Well, I gotta get going,
Mrs. Kramden.

Now, listen, as soon
as Wallace gets here,

you'll call me, won't you?

Yes, I will, and
don't you worry.

Oh, you're a doll,
Mrs. Kramden! Bye.

Okay, Judy, bye-bye.

Hi, hon.

Hi, Ralph.

Look, can I eat right away?

I wanna take a bath
and go to bed. I'm dead.

All right.

You know, Ralph,
I've been thinking,

we've been getting into
an awful, awful rut lately.

Do the same things,
day in and day out,

never any variation.

( sighs )

Yep.

It's a shame, Ralph.

'Cause there are a lot of
wonderful things we could do.

Eh.

You know what'd
be fun, Ralph?

You know what we could do
that'd be an awful lot of fun?

We could go roller skating.

You got any ketchup?

It's in the ice box.

And you haven't been listening
to one word I've been saying.

Oh, I've been listening
to you all right.

I'll take you roller
skating tomorrow night.

Oh, Ralph, that's wonderful!

And you know where we can go?

They've got a rink over
in the amusement park.

Roller skating?!

And you know, there are

a lot of other wonderful
things we can do, too, Ralph.

We can go on the roller
coaster rides,

and they're having
a bop dance contest,

and then, you know,
we can go-- take a ride

through the tunnel of love
and the crazy house...

The crazy house?
And...

You don't have to go
to any amusement park

for a crazy house!

We got one right here.

Bop contest?
Roller skating?

Well, what's wrong
with bop contests
and roller skating?

There's nothing
wrong with that.

Nothing. For kids.

But not for you and me.

Let's face it, Alice.

We have been out of the age
range of roller skating

since Alf Landon stopped
being presidential timber.

Would you stop being
so ridiculous, Ralph?

Why shouldn't we go roller
skating? We're not that old.

We're not that old?

We're not that old?

Well, how young are we?

How young are we?

Let's face it, our
youth has passed.

The golden years are gone.

We have hit the second plateau.

Listen, Ralph, you may think

that you're too old,
but I'm not.

I want to do the things
that young people do.

That's what keeps you young.

You want to do the
things young people do?

Let's play some games
that young people play.

Let's play "house."

You be the mommy
and I'll be the poppy.

All right, mommy, clean up!

How can you be so icky?

Icky?

You're a termite, Ralph.
Strictly out of the wood.

Hey, there, Ralphie Boy.

Hey, uh, what
does "icky" mean?

I don't know. Why?

Alice just said I was icky.

Must mean "fat."

Why, what brought up
the subject, anyway?

You wouldn't
believe this, Norton.

What do you think
she said to me?

She wants to go
to a bop contest,

then she wants to
go roller skating,

and finally she wants to go
through the tunnel of love.

She says that's romantic.

Ho, the tunnel of love.

I've been through
the tunnel of love.

That's not romantic,
it's nothing,

wading through
that water and all.

It's not romantic at all.

How did Trixie like it?

Trixie wasn't with me.

I was down there working,

fixing a leak
in one of the pipes.

That isn't exactly
what Alice meant.

She wants to go through
the tunnel of love with me.

What do you and Alice know
about fixing leaks?

Stop with the leaks.

That's not what
I'm talking...

( knock on door )

Come in.

Look, I'm very busy eating.

We don't want to buy
any magazines or anything.

Man, what's this bit
about the magazines?

I'm Wallace. I came by
to pick up angel cake.

Angel cake?

You got the wrong joint.
This isn't any bakery.

Man, angel cake
ain't a cake.

She's a chick.

Now tell her
to get with it, man.

I got a frantic hot rod
downstairs

and it's ready to percolate.

A frantic hot rod
that's ready to percolate?

Yeah, man, aren't you hep?
Don't you dig?

No, no, no, no, no,
he drives a bus.

I'm the one who digs,
I work in the sewer.

Hey, Alice, you know
anything about this?

Oh, you must
be Wallace.

That's right,
is Judy ready?

I'll call her
for you.

Oh, he's looking
for Judy Connors.

That's right.

Judy, Wallace
is here!

JUDY:
I'll be right up, Mrs. Kramden!

Right.

Why doesn't he
meet Judy Connors
in her house?

She was down here
this afternoon, Ralph,

and she asked if
it was all right.

I'll explain it
to you later.

♪ Boodly-ah! ♪
Oh, that's too much.

Uh... Judy was
telling us

that you've got quite
an evening planned.

She says you're going to
go to the amusement park

and go roller skating
and to a bop dance contest.

That's right,
tonight's a big night.

Tonight I'm asking
angel cake to wear my pin.

Wear his pin?

Yes, Ralph, when a girl
wears a fellow's pin,

it means she's
going steady.

She's his and
nobody else's.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.
It's like a custom we got.

Carve your best
girlfriend's initials

on a shovel
down at the sewer.

Atomic passion!

Angel cake!

You know what, Ralph?

Hard to believe,
those kids remind me

of me when I was a youth.

I mean, I mean, I acted silly
like those kids.

Well, I guess as time goes on,
I grew older, I matured.

Yeah, now you're
a full-grown nut.

And there's a lot
of full-grown nuts
around this house.

Now I get the
whole thing, Alice.

I finally got
the picture.

What are you
talking about?

You know what I'm
talking about!

Judy Connors was up here
today, wasn't she?

She's the one talking

about bop contests
and roller skating.

That's what put
the bug in your ear.

Oh, what if she did?

What if she did?

She's a 14-year-
old kid, Alice!

Do you think
you're 14 years old?

Ha, ha, ha, ha!
There's a laugh!

She thinks she's 14!

( chortling )

Look at me! I'm 13!

( laughing )

( coughs )

Go ahead!

Come on, get dressed.

We got to go to the
junior prom right away.

( laughing )

You can stop laughing,
Ralph.

If you wanted to make me
feel ridiculous,

you've done that, Ralph.

I admit it, I made a mistake.

I was trying to be
something I'm not.

At the same time, Ralph,

I didn't think
it was so ridiculous

trying to recapture the fun
that we used to have.

I didn't think that
I was that old, Ralph,

but you've shown me
that I was wrong.

I just thought that going
to amusement parks

and dancing
and roller skating

was the kind of thing
that would keep you young.

It might've.
At least it was worth a try.

But you don't have to worry,
Ralph, I promise you,

you will never have
to laugh at me again.

I will stop being ridiculous,

and I will never ever
mention it again.

( door shuts )

She's right, Norton.

She's right.

There's nothing wrong with
somebody wanting to stay young.

It's my fault.

And I'm telling you right
now, Norton, I'm changing.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna start taking her
to dances and roller skating.

I'm gonna learn
all the new dances.

The Big Apple.

Suzie Q.

The Continental, Hesitation
Waltz, all of that.

And I'm gonna learn
all the expressions, too,

like "Bo-do-dee-do-do."

"Twenty-three scadoo."

And "I'll kiss you later,
I'm eating a potato."

All that stuff,
I'm gonna learn.

( chuckling )

What's so funny?

"Bo-de-do-do,
twenty-three scadoo."

"I'll kiss you later,

( chuckling ):
I'm eating a potato."

What's wrong with
those expressions?

Boy, oh, boy, how can anyone
so round be so square?

Ralph. Oh, Ralph,
I'm here with the phonograph.

Let's go, boy.

Hey, Ralph.

Be out in a minute.

Come on.

( humming )

Well, how about it?

Well, how about it?
What do you think?

Wait, wait, wait,
wait a minute,

Wait a minute, just-just
give me a little time

to drink this
whole thing in.

Like seeing Boulder Dam
for the first time.

Never mind that.
What do you think?

Well, Ralph, I guess
it's all right.

You ain't exactly no
ding-dong daddy from Doumas.

Well, never mind that.

Now, did you get all the stuff
to teach me to dance?

Yeah, yeah,
I got...

Tonight's gonna be
a big night for Alice and me.

And I want to dance
correctly when I start.

Wait a minute...

I can't wait
to get going.

I got a phonograph here
and I got some records.

Yeah?

Wait 'til I put this
first one on here.

This one has the,
uh, the Hucklebuck.

Oh, the Hucklebuck.

This is always good for me!

( chuckles )

There we go now.

There we are.

( up-tempo music )

♪ Here's a dance
you should know! ♪

It's one of those numbers
that tells a story.

♪ When the lights are down low ♪

♪ Grab your baby, then go ♪

Oh!

♪ Do the Hucklebuck,
do the Hucklebuck ♪

♪ If you don't know how to do
it, boy, you're out of luck ♪

♪ Shove your baby in,
twist her all around ♪

♪ Then you start a-twistin' mad
and moving all around ♪

♪ Wiggle like a snake... ♪

Wait a minute!

♪ That's what you do when... ♪

( music stops )
Wait a second.

You don't expect me
to do that, do you?

Well, of course I do.

I can't do that!

That's all you got to do.

Listen to the record,
listen to the music.

Just do what the lyrics
say on the record there.

That's all you got to do.
Get in the groove and be gay!

You ready?

All right, go ahead.

Here we go.

( upbeat music begins )

That's it!

♪ Here's a dance
you should know! ♪

♪ When the lights
are down low ♪

Oh, wait.

( music stops )

What did you stop me for?
I was just rolling there.

You're supposed to
waddle like a duck.

How can I waddle
like a duck?

Well, you...
it's easy.

Just walk like
you always do.

Come on, let's get
with it again here.

Both of us together.
( music begins )

That's it.

♪ Here's a dance... ♪

Good.

♪ ...you should know! ♪

I got the knack
of it now.

That's it.

♪ When the lights are down low ♪

I got it now, Norton.

♪ Grab your baby, then go ♪

♪ Do the Hucklebuck... ♪

( music stops )

What are you doing?

Just brushing up
on a little dancing,
that's all.

You wanted me to
be a dancer, so
I'm just brushing up.

Well, what is this crazy
costume you're wearing?

This isn't a costume.

This is what all
of us cats wear.

I got it, I got it.

I'm hip, ready to go,
I'm gone! Gone!

You're gone all right.

Ralph, is all of this because of
what we talked about last night?

Yes, it is, and I'm
taking you out tonight.

I'm taking you dancing
and roller skating.

Oh, Ralph,
that's wonderful!

Now hurry up
and get dressed.
Oh!

Oh, wait a minute,
before you get dressed...

here.

What's that?
Put this on.

My pin.

Put it on, Norton!
Let's go!

( music starts )

Do it, do it!

I can't wait!

Like this.

♪ Here's a dance... ♪

I can't wait.

♪ ...you should know! ♪

♪ Ba-be-be-do! ♪

( organ music )

Oh!

Come on.

Trixie.

Let's sit here and wait
for the boys to come out.

Okay, swell.

Ah...

Oh, boy, oh, boy...

Here comes Ed.

Not bad, eh?

Fancy stuff.

Oh, Ed, this has been
a wonderful evening.

First dancing and now this.

Hey, we ought to
do this more often.

You betcha.

Ed...
What?

Where's Ralph?
Ah, he's coming.

Hey, Ralphie Boy,
hurry up in there.

Boy, I'm telling you,

that husband of yours is
a real youngster, Alice.

Wait 'til you see
him on the skates.

I bet he's
a real whiz.

Come on, Ralphie
Boy, there!

Well...

Come on. Let's go.

Can't we skate around here?

TRXIE:
Oh, come on, Ralph.

Come on.
What're you doing?

We wanna go in and
skate in the rink.

TRIXIE:
Come on.

All right.

Sure, there's plenty
of room.

I tell you,
he's a real whiz.

( chuckles )

That's a boy, Ralphie Boy.

Look, haven't we had
enough of this skating?

Can't we go home now?

No, no. You got to prove
to Alice that you're young.

Recapture your youth,
come on!

Recapture my youth?

I keep this up,
I'll lose my old age.

Come on, let's get
a little action here.

Skate around the rink
a little while.

You'll get
used to it.

Are we gonna skate
or aren't we?

We're gonna skate,
be patient.

Hey, you know what? One of
my wheels is a little stiff.

I think I'll get
a little oil on it.

I'll be right back.

Say, Trix, while we're
waiting for Ed,

how would you like
some coffee?

All right,
might as well.

Ralph, Trix and I
want some coffee.

You wanna go over
and get us some?

It's all the way
over there!

Well?

All right.

Do you have a couple
cups of coffee, please?

Yes, sir.

Aw.... Aw...

Well, here you are.

( sneezes )

What happened?

( groans )

Spilled a
little coffee.

( groaning )

Well, don't make
a big deal out of it.

Big deal? My...
my best skirt.

All right,
let's go.
Let's go now.

( yelling )

( screams ) ( screams )

( grunts )

Help me up!

Alice, when I
take control--

( yells )

Will you help me up!

Ralph, there's
no point.

When I say "heave,"
you "ho," ready?

All right.
Heave.

Ho!
Ho!

What's
Come on! the matter?

I think we got little more
"ho" than I figured on.

You got to
cooperate, Ralph.

When we lift, you try
to push yourself up.

All right,
heave.
I'm cooperating,
come on.

Heave. All right.

And you're
ready?
Yes.

Ho!

No! Ow!

Ed.

Stay here, it's safer!

Oh...

( mirthless
chuckle )

( sighs )

Gosh.

( mutters )

Help me off with my coat.

Take it easy, will you?
I hurt my elbows.

( grumbles )

Hooo!

Bang, zoom!

You had to go
roller skating, didn't you?

Had to go roller skating,
"I wanna go roller skating!"

That's what it is, roller
skating, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I could've broke my leg!

Ralph...

Don't "Ralph" me!

You were the one
that said, you know,

that you wanted
to go roller skating.

You were gonna take me.

I was the one
that said?

I suppose I come home
from work and said,

"Let's go roller
skating," huh?

You were the one
that said it!

With the tunnel of love
and the crazy house.

Roller skating, bop contest.

You know how embarrassing
it is to fall down

in the middle of a skating rink?

And can't get up?

Everybody looking at me.

( cracking up )

Shut up!

You didn't look any too good,
either, picking me up!

( snickering )

It's embarrassing.
( laughs )

What're you
laughing at?

( stifled laughter )

( laughing harder )

( guffawing )

( laughing hysterically )

( laughing )

( howling laughter )

( laughing ):
He got...

( Ralph laughing
uncontrollably )

( gasping )

( muttering )

Oh!

Boy, I went down,
didn't I?

Bang!
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What a vibration!

( laughter )

Time you gave a tug on me
and left your arms there!

Boy, I'm telling you...

Gee. ( laughing )

You know something?

I learned something tonight.

Believe me, I did.
I had a lot of fun.

You know, doing all those
silly things that we did

reminded me of when
we really were kids, Alice.

'Member that?
Mm-hmm.

We used to go dancing
and roller skating.

Everything. Loop-de-loops.

'Member when it was
all over at night,

we used to go to
the Chinese restaurant

and have some Chinese food.

Got a whole dinner
for 60 cents.

I used to order the chop suey,
you'd get the fried rice.

Then we'd split it.

I kept asking the guy
for bread, he says,

"We have no bread here.
It's a Chinese restaurant."

I said, "How am I gonna
push it on the fork?"

He used to come,
he used to bring the bread.

Boy, those were the days,
I'm telling you.

Oh, Ralph, you remember
the dances we used to go to

at the Sons of Italy Hall?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

They had some good bands
in that joint, too.

Ice'em Jones,

Ted Theorita,
Yeah.

Little Jack Little.

Not to forget
Basil Folene!

Basil Folene.

Johnny Metzer
and his toy piano!

Yeah, yeah.

( chuckling )

You know something?

Talking like this...
it teaches you one thing.

Acting young isn't
what keeps you young.

But if you got some memories,
some good memories,

of when you were young,

that's what keeps you young.

Thinking about it,
in your old age,

when you were a kid,

all the things that you did.

That's the whole secret of it.

You know, it's a shame.
I read someplace one time,

and the guy was right
about it, too.

I think it was, uh,
Bernard Shaw.

He says it's a shame

that youth has to be wasted
on young people.

He's right, too.

You know
something, Ralph?

What?

I learned something
tonight, too.

Yeah? What?

Well, I learned that

I don't even mind
growing old

as long as you and I
grow old together.

Well.

Baby, you're
the greatest!

Let's go play the stuff now,
honeybun.
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