01x21 - A Dog's Life

[bunniefuu]

Alice.

Where is it?
Where is it?
Can I see him?

I keep him
in the bedroom

'cause it's
warmer in there.
Oh, oh, okay.

Oh! Alice!

Isn't he a darling?

Oh, he's the most adorable
thing I've ever seen.

Is it all right
if I pick him up?

Oh, sure, go ahead.

Oh, I've never felt anything
so cuddly in my whole life.

Where'd you get him?

Well, Mrs. Manicotti
went to the pound today

to get a dog for her kids,
so I went along with her.

I took one look at this
character and I was a goner.

Did you ever see such eyes?

What kind of a dog is he?

Well, he's a cross
between a cocker spaniel
and a French poodle.

Mm.
It's a, I guess
you'd call it a
"cockerpoodle."

Mm-hmm.

( cooing )

Aw, Trixie, you'd better
put him back in the box,

'cause I got to
feed him now.

All right.

Get a look at that,
"choice horse meat."

Horse meat?
Uh-huh.

Ew!

Oh, they must know what
they're doing, Trix,

'cause the dogs
are nuts about it.

Ah.

Is that gonna be
enough for him?

Oh, sure. You don't
want to overfeed a puppy.

Oh.
Here you are,
sweetheart.

Oh...
Here you go.

Look at that sweetie!

Aw...

Aw!

Listen, does Ralph
know about this yet?

Oh, no. I haven't
told him yet.

Oh, you gonna
tell him tonight?

No. I think I'll wait
'til tomorrow morning.

See, the man at the...
down at the pound

told me the dog's
gonna need sh*ts.

Uh-huh.
And Mrs. Manicotti's

going to the
vet's tonight
to take her dog,

so she said she'd take
him along with hers.

Yeah, well, once Ralph
sees that sweet little face,

he's gonna love him.

I hope so. Say, Trix, how
come you never got a dog?

On account of Ed.

Oh, he loves dogs,

but for the first few minutes
Ed's around a dog,

he-he itches and wheezes
and sneezes.

Oh, it's somethin'
terrible.

It's an allergy he's got
to anything with fur on it.

Oh, gee,
that's too bad.

Hey, you want me to drop the dog
off at Mrs. Manicotti's for you?

Oh, Trix, that
would be wonderful.

And tell Mrs. Manicotti

that I'll stop up
there later. Okay?

All right. Should I take
the rest of the dog food?

No. I won't have
to feed him

'til tomorrow morning
when I get him back.

Oh, I see, okay.

Don't drop him now.
No, I won't.

Oh... bye.
Thank you.

I'll see you later, Alice.

All right, bye-bye.

Hiya, sweetheart.

Hiya, Ralph.
I'll have your
supper ready

for you in a minute.

Oh, don't go to any trouble.

I'm not gonna eat here.
I'll eat over at the lodge.

I got just enough time
to wash up and get over there.

We got another
emergency meeting.

Again?!

Ralph, you had
an emergency
meeting last night.

So?
So?!

Do you realize
you Racoons

have more emergency
meetings than the U.N.?

Just so happens that

the Racoons have more
emergencies than the U.N.

Hey, Alice.

Hiya, Ed.

Well, is loveable
big stuff home yet?

Yes, he's inside
washing up.

Ed, do you
realize they have

another emergency meeting
tonight at the lodge?

That's the fourth emergency
meeting in this past week.

I'm beginning to think
those emergency meetings

are nothing
but a poker game.

Oh, wait a minute, Alice.
Wait a minute.

I'm surprised that you even
think anything like that.

An emergency meeting
is an emergency meeting.

Never a poker game.

An executive meeting,
that's a poker game.

Will you tell your
lodge brother for me

that I'm up at
Mrs. Manicotti's?

I will do.

Eh, there. What
say, Ralph? Mmm!

Alice told me to tell you
she's up at Mrs. Manicotti's.

Mm-mm!

Boy, this is delicious.

Norton...

if I ever ran into you
when you weren't eating,

I don't think I'd know you.

What kills me is, you eat
and you eat and you eat,

and you don't even
gain a pound.

I guess my nature,
my basic metabolism

or something,
I don't know.

As long as
I can remember,

I weighed exactly what
I weigh now-- 165 pounds.

As far back as
I remember, 165.

Gee, I remember when
I used to weigh 165.

Did you ever see a picture of me
when I weighed 165 pounds?

No, Ralph, I never did see
any of your baby pictures.

( laughs )

Hey, let me tell you,
your wife Alice

really outdid herself
with this stuff.

This is just delicious.

Here.

Try this, Ralph.

Hey, that's great.

How about that?

Got a real different
taste to it.

Yeah, you're a lucky guy.

Only thing Trixie
ever fixes for me is
right out of the can.

Now, if this could
come out of the can,
that would be different.

This is terrific.

Norton.
What?

You just gave me
a million-dollar idea.

All I have to do is
put this stuff in cans.

Ralph, you're sitting
on a gold mine!

You could make
a million dollars!

I don't care if I make
a million dollars.

This is the thing I've always
wanted to do for Alice!

Why should she cook just for me?

And just have me enjoy it?

I can put it in cans
and the whole world
can enjoy her cooking.

I'm gonna make her
rich and famous.

I'll run the whole
business for her.

All she'll have to do
is sit back and collect.

Boy, oh, boy, that is
a worthy sentiment.

I mean it. Now, all you got
to do is get ahold of Alice

and get the recipe,
then we're off.

Now, that's the last thing
I have to do.

All I have to do is tell Alice

that I got a scheme
to make money

and she'll say
it's a crazy scheme.

But, look, if you
don't get hold of Alice

and get the recipe, how're
you gonna sell this stuff?

What're you gonna do?

Very simple. The first
thing I gotta do

is get some
financial backing.

Now, tomorrow when
I go to work,

I walk right in
to Mr. Marshall.

Mr. Marshall, the president
of your bus company?

Why, certainly.
He's a swell guy.

Last year, for instance,
there was some guy named, uh,

Herman Fatrack, and he had
some kind of invention.

It was, uh,
a wrench lock.

Well, he took it in to Marshall,
showed it to Marshall,

Marshall liked it,
gave him some money

and now he's got a whole
factory going for himself.

Called "Fatrack's factory."

Not bad,
not bad, Ralph.

But have you got an idea

on how to present this, uh,
this, uh, stuff to your boss?

I don't need any idea.

I'll do the same thing we did.

I'll let him taste it.

He'll be sold on it
just like we were.

Now, soon as he puts
the money in my company,

and Alice knows that my boss
has got money in this thing,

she'll be proud
to give me the recipe.

Ralph Kramden, I got to
take my hat off to you.

Now, let's see.

We got to get some
kind of a name for this.

Yeah.

How about this?

"Kramden's delicious..."

Now, wait, ho!
Wait a minute,

What do you mean,
"Kramden's delicious..."?

Mr. Marshall's putting up
the money for this thing.

You got to get his name
in there someplace.

You're right about that.

Uh... hey.
How about this?

"Kramden's delicious
Marshall."

What's the matter with you,
are you a nut or something?

"Kramden's
delicious Marshall"!

What kind of stuff
is "Marshall"?

Well, we don't know
what this stuff is!

You might as well
call it "Marshall."

Look, I told you I was
gonna give you a job,

and if you're with me,

you're gonna have a job
for a lifetime.

I've said that time
and time again.

Now that we've got a winning
solution to our problems,

I'm still gonna
give you the job.

But you're not gonna be
in the advertising department.

This takes a simple little thing
like a combination of names.

"Krammar's"!

Krammar's what?

"Krammar's delicious
mystery appetizer."

Now you got it.

Now you, "Krammar's
mystery delicious..."

No, delicious
mystery appetizer.

"Krammar's delicious
mystery appetizer."

That's it.
That's a
catchy one, boy.

You got it there, Ralph.
That's beautiful.

Let me tell you!

You've had many an invention
that's failed and flunked

and everything
but this one, I think

you're gonna hit it. I think
you're gonna make a fortune,

and pal o' mine,
you deserve it!

Thank you, man.

Thank you, my boy.

( chuckles )

A toast.

Thank you.

It just goes to prove,
what I've always said.

Every dog has his day.

Thank you very much.

'Morning, Mr. Marshall.

Hello, Kramden.
What can I do for you?

Mr. Marshall,
I have a million
dollars in here.

Then you must have had
a mighty good day on the bus.

Oh-ho! Ha, ha, ha!

Very good! Very good!

Well, it's like the
men say, Mr. Marshall.

You're a good guy.

All the fellas say
the same thing.

They say you're a guy
that likes new ideas

and a fella that you can
come to and get advice.

Sometimes even
financial assistance.

Mr. Marshall,
I have here a fortune.

My wife made a whole bowl
of this last night,

and I scooped some up to
bring it over as a sample.

And there it is.

What is it?

An appetizer.

The most delicious
you've ever tasted
in your life!

Appetizer?

Sure, an appetizer.

People go nuts
over appetizers.

Walk into any supermarket.

All along the shelves,
they got jars of appetizers.

But the difference is that

this is something
new and different.

That's what the
people go for.

Something new
and different.

This is delicious.

It would go great
with cocktails,

or, uh, for a snack,

or on crackers or to
make small sandwiches.

Even those, uh, "uvdoovas."

What?

Hors d'oeuvres.

Huh?

Hors d'oeuvres!

They'd be good
for that, too!

Here, just taste this.

Just taste it.

No, no, I'd better not, Kramden.

I'm on a very strict diet. No.

How can this harm you?
It's homemade, pal.

Here, take a little bit.

Well, just one,
if it's homemade.

Aye! This is very good.

What did I tell you?

Well, I-I've never tasted
anything like it before.

Everybody that tastes it
says the same thing,
Mr. Marshall.

This'll be a riot!

Well, I want to try it
on someone else.

Oh, Ms. Evans,
please tell Mr. Peck

I'd like to see him
in here for a moment.

Mr. Tebbits, too.

Kramden, this appetizer
has possibilities.

If it's handled right,
it can be a big thing.

Now, tell me, is this
your wife's exclusive recipe,

or could there be
someone else involved,

like, uh, like her mother?

Oh, her mother? No!

Her mother can't
cook like my wife.

Her mother's a nice
lady and everything,

but anything she'd cook,
I wouldn't give to a dog!

Think I'll have another one.

Go ahead, pal! Eat it up.
There's plenty of crackers.

RALPH:
Here they are.

You wanted to
see me, J.M.?

Yeah. you both
know Ralph Kramden.

Kramden.
How are you?

Look, I wanted
your opinion.

Now, taste this appetizer

and tell me
what you think of it.

What's this
all about, J.M.?

I'll explain later.

Just tell me
what you think of it.

Hey, this stuff
is great.

It's very good.

Yeah.

I know I've never
tasted it before.

But there's something
about the aroma I recognize.

Hey! This is dog food!

Dog food?! Are you
nuts or something?

Why should my wife
make dog food?

We haven't even
got a dog!

Look, I could
be wrong.

Anybody can
make a mistake.

Well, you certainly
are wrong.

I don't
think I am.

But if you want
to make sure,

I'll get Charlie.
He raises dogs.

( chuckling ):
Dog food!
Charlie.

Boy, jealousy,
sometimes.
I'm telling you.

Well, it'd
better not be!

Yes, Mr. Peck?

Charlie, do you know
what that is?

Should know. I've been
using this for years.

It's dog food.

( grumbling )

( grumbling )

You know, Alice, a French name
would be cute for him.

Well, I'll worry
about a name for him

after I get Ralph to
agree to let me keep him.

I told you, you're
worrying over nothing.

Once Ralph gets a look
at that little face,

he's got to fall
in love with it.

Well, I hope so.

You know something, Trix,

I never realized
what wonderful company

a little pup is around
the house all day.

You know, this day
just flew by.

Sure. That reminds me,
I gotta to be getting
back upstairs.

Aw, good-bye, precious.

If it wasn't for my Ed's
darned old allergy,

I'd get one just like you.

I'll see you later, Alice.

Okay, Trix.

Now, listen here,
I want to tell you something.

I have got work to do,
and I have to do it right now.

I don't want you getting it
into your head

that all I have to do all day
long is just play with you.

So, it's back in the box.
Okay?

There.

Oh...! Don't look
so sad about it.

Come on, we'll go
in the bedroom.

Hey, there, Alice.

Oh, hi, Ed.

Aren't you coming home

a little early
today from work?

Oh, no, I been showing up
to work an hour early.

We're breaking in
a new man there.

Been with us a week,
he's still wet
behind the ears.

Say, tell me, Alice,
has Ralph tried to
get in touch...

( sharp exhale )

Excuse me.

Has Ralph tried to get
in touch with yous...

( sneezes )

No. Bless you.

Excuse me, has he tried
to get in touch with you

about anything today?

No. Have you got
a cold, Ed?

I didn't have
a minute...

didn't have
a minute ago.

Scratch me
there, will you?

Here?
( sneezes )

Boy, this usually only
happens when I'm...
when I'm around dogs.

( sneezes )

You got a dog?

Uh, yes, I have, Ed.

Maybe you'd better go.

Huh? Oh, no, no.
I'm all right.

It's just, uh, the...
Whose dog is it?

It's mine.
I got it at the pound.

But please don't say anything
to Ralph about it before I do.

He doesn't think we should
have a dog in the apartment.

Oh, no, no, no, I won't.
I won't. I won't.

I'd like to look at the
dog, if you don't mind?

Well, you think
you should, Ed?

Oh, I'm... I'm all right.
It's just...

( begins to sneeze )

...just after
the initial att*ck...

...is all, but then
I'm all right.

I want to look
at the pooch.

Where is he?

Hi, there, little poochy boy!

Oh, what a beautiful
dog this is.

Eh! Hey!

He looks like one of those
make-believe toys.

You know, like you wind up.
He's beautiful.

I hope Ralph'll like him
as much as you do, Ed.

Oh, boy, I'm tell you,

when Ralph sees
this little fella here,

he'll go out of his mind!

Do me a favor, Ed.

Put him back in the box
'cause I got to feed him now.

Supper in bed, huh?

Boy, they talk
about a dog's life.

TRIXIE:
Alice! Oh, Alice!

There it is,
the voice of doom.

Oh, Ed.

What is it, Trix?

TRIXIE:
Come on up.
Your mother's on the phone.

Oh, I'll be
right up. Thanks.

Go ahead, go, go, go, go.
I'll take care of the pooch.

I'll feed him. What do I do?

Oh, you just take
two spoonfuls
of this dog food

and put it on that plate
and just give it to him.

Gotcha.

Thanks, Ed.

Here it comes, poochy!

Here's your din-din!

Here we are, that a boy.

Eat up, eat up, eat up.

( mutters )

Smells mighty familiar.

"Krammar's delicious
mystery appetizer"!

All right, where is she?

Where is she?!
Alice, come on out here!

Ah, upstairs
on the phone.

Upstairs on the phone, huh?

Today was the most humiliating
day I've ever spent

in my whole life!
Really?

How would you feel if you
gave your boss dog food to eat?

Terrible, unless my boss
is a cocker spaniel,
I tell you.

Dog food! It's a miracle
I wasn't fired.

I know who did it, too.
Alice's mother.

She come over here to cook me
a tidbit, that's what she did.

She don't care what
Alice gives me to eat.

Just as long as Alice
can scrimp and save,

and live around here
in the lap of luxury!

Those ain't
the facts, Ralph.

Those ain't
the facts.

They're not the facts, huh?

Then why would we have
dog food around the house?

And in our ice box?!

What have we got,
a dog or something?

Ralph Kramden, you have just
reached the first plateau!

What are you
talking about?!

I'm not talking about it,
and I'm not saying it.

Just put your nose
in that bedroom there.

Just go in the
bedroom, that's all.

( angry grunt )

That animal is getting
out of here immediately!

Wait, wait, wait, don't.

Don't tell me to wait!

Alice knows
she can't have a dog!

And she knows why
she can't have a dog!

Who's gonna
take him out, huh? Me!

Me, that's who!

And when do dogs have
to get taken out?

Five minutes before
I have to go to bed!

That is around midnight!

And if you think that I'm gonna
walk up and down the street

in the snow and the sleet
and the rain,

walking some mutt back
and forth, you're nuts!

Alice is taking that dog back!
Right back to the pound.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

She ain't taking it back.
Didn't cost you anything.

She's in love with that puppy.

If you make her take it
back to the pound,

it'll break her heart

and it'll cause
a big fight, too.

You're absolutely right.

It will cause a fight.

So, therefore, I'm
not gonna have her
take it back.

I'll take it back!

Back you go.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Just-just wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Wait...
Don't wait,
get out of my way!

Just, just, just give a good
look at the dog, will ya?

Just give him
one good look.
I don't wanna look.

A good look or a bad look,

I'm taking him back
to the pound.

Now, get out of my way.

Come on, just give
him a look, will you,
Ralph? You know what?

I know why you're afraid
to give him a look.

You're afraid that if
you look into these brown,
soulful, trusting eyes,

that it'll do something
to your heart. Just look.

Look into those eyes,
Ralph. Look, look, look!

Put him back
in the box, Norton!

Just look...

Put him back in the box

or I'm gonna do
something to you!

Get out of the way!

Open that door!

Open the door.

Ralph Kramden, you've just
lost your membership card

to the human race!

I still say it's the best
appetizer I ever tasted!

Pardon me, sir.

Yes, sir?

I'd like to return a dog
that my wife got here yesterday.

Let me see now.

Well, it's a good dog.

You say your wife picked
him up here yesterday?

Yeah.
What's your name?

Kramden.
K-r-a-m-d-e-n.

I'll have to check
the record first.
'Kay.

You, uh, you sure
you want to get
rid of this pup?

Well, we have
a small apartment.

Okay.

Here, come here.

Don't look at me like that.

I ain't got nothing against you.

Honest, if I was
gonna have a dog,

I'd have a dog look
just like you.

It's just that,

an apartment's no place
to keep a dog, you know,

and they're expensive
and everything.

Besides, somebody'll come in
and pick you up.

Maybe somebody with
a big backyard or something.

Might even live
in the country.

Heh. Boy, you got some kisser.

Honest, you'll see.

This is probably the luckiest
break you ever got

that I didn't take you with me.

Honest.

All right, here, just sign
this and I'll take the dog.

Everything's in order.

Thank you.

There we go.

Up you go, boy.

Something I can do
for you, mister?

No, no.

( clears throat )

Say, tell me something.

I just brought
a dog back here.

Uh, will somebody pick him up
and give him a good home?

I hope so.

What do you mean,
you hope so?

Well, lot of people
come here for dogs,

but there ain't
always enough people

to take all the dogs
we got here.

We're only allowed
to keep dogs here five days.

We got a couple here now
that have been over the limit.

Over the limit?
Yeah.

But what happens to them then,
when they're over the limit?

Got to be destroyed.

Hey, wait a minute.

You mean that dog I just
brought in here, my dog,

is gonna be destroyed?!

That's right.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Hey, come back...

( chuckles )

Who do I see about
getting a dog back?

Uh, lost dog?

No, no, a puppy that
I got here yesterday,

and my husband brought
him back today

and I want to get
him right now.

Well, you'll have to
wait till Mr. McGreggor
gets out here.

He'll be out in
just a moment.

Come on.

Ralph!

Alice.

What are you doing with
my puppy and these other dogs?

Look, I hope you're
not gonna get mad,

but I fell in love
with him.

And these other two
are over their limit.

Come on, I'll tell you
all about it at home.

Come on.

Wait till you see
these little ones.

Did you see the new one?

Take a look at him.