01x27 - Head of the House

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, ladies. Can I ask
you some questions, please?

( giggling )

Excuse me, sir.
My name is d*ck Pres...

I beg your pardon,
sir. I'd, uh...

I'd, uh, like
very much to have

a few moments of your
time if you don't mind.

I realize both
of you gentlemen

are on your way to
work this morning,

but my name is
d*ck Prescott.

I'm the "questioning
photographer."

Oh, oh, oh, "questioning
photographer," eh?

Why, I read your interviews
in the paper every night, boy.

It's good.
I wouldn't miss it.

Thank you. Thank
you very much.

You had, you had a good question
there one night last week.

Must have caused
a lot of controversy.

Oh, th-that must
have been the one

on whether or not the U.N.
should outlaw the H-b*mb.

No, No. This one was:
"Which one is more authentic,

"the Canasi or Weehawken
style of mambo"?

Would you get on with what
you want us to do here?

'Cause we're a little
late as it is.

Yes, yes. Would you mind
answering today's question

and letting me
take your picture?

Well, yeah, it'd be
a privilege and a pleasure.

Would you like a "profeel"
or a "proface"?

No, no, we'll, uh, we'll
get to that in a moment.

First, your name.

Edward L. Norton.

"Edward L. Norton."

And, uh, your
occupation?

I'm an engineer.

"Engineer."

In subterranean sanitation.

Um, and, uh...

( clears throat )

Where do you live,
Mr. Norton?

I live in the garden spot
of the world, Brooklyn, U.S.A.

Mr. Norton,
today's question is:

In your house,
who is the boss?

You or your wife?

I'd be very happy
to answer that question.

Am I boss... in my household?

I am the boss of the household.

I think that any man
that is afraid of his wife

is not a man.
Mm-hmm.

And I can't stress
this point too strongly:

That a husband
is the boss.

Yes.
Don't quote me,

because if my wife reads that,
she'll k*ll me.

But if I don't quote you,
how can I print it?

Can't you just
use my picture?

Well, Norton, you just
proved to me something

that I suspected about you

for a long time.
What?

You're afraid of Trixie.

Oh, wait...
a minute.

You're in no position
to talk to me like that.

No, no.

You're not inferring...

All I know, pal, is that if
he had asked me that question,

I would have said
without hesitation

that I am the boss
in my household.

I'm the one
that gives the orders.

I'm the one that
makes all the decisions.

Huh, on the day we were
married, I said two things.

One: I do.
Two: I'm the boss.

Pardon me, sir.
What is your name?

Ralph Kramden.

"Ralph Kramden."
( scoffs )

Mr. Kramden, I'm
going to print

what you just
said there. Okay?

Go ahead, go ahead,
go, go, go, answer him.

Go ahead, big sh*t.
Go on, go on.

Huh! Go ahead
and print it.

He's a bus driver
and he lives in Brooklyn.

"Bus driver
in Brooklyn."

Now let me see.

Just hold that.

Thank you very much,
Mr. Kramden.

You'll be in
tonight's paper.

Good-bye, men.

( snickering )

( chortling )

What are you
laughing at?

I'm just, I'm just picturing
what you're gonna look like

in a French
foreign legion uniform.

Are you trying to tell me
that I'm afraid of Alice?

I know you. We're buddies
for a good long time, Ralph.

I know you pretty good.

Now, Just take
a little advice.

Get on a phone
and call that newspaper

and tell them to hold the
presses, stop the presses

and don't print
that statement.

Oh, no. Not me, Norton.

That's the kind of a thing
you'd do, but not me,

and that's the difference
between us, Norton.

That's the difference.

I am a boss.
You are a mouse.

Well, I got
one more thing to say.

I'd rather be a live mouse
than a dead boss.

Hiya, honey.
Is supper ready?

No, Ralph, it'll be a little
while before it's ready.

Do you want to give me
the evening paper, darling?

'Cause I just want to take
a look at that contest.

Oh, I... I didn't bring
the evening paper home tonight.

Well, you always bring
the evening paper home.

That's right.
I always bring it home.

But from now on, that paper
is never entering this house.

Why?

Why?

I'll tell you why.

I don't like its editorial
policy, that's why.

Well, Ralph, what's wrong
with its editorial policy?

They just cut out
Orphan Annie.

Now listen, Ralph.
You know perfectly well

that I've been following
that puzzle contest.

Well, never mind.

It'll be a little while
before supper's ready,

so I'll just run down
to the corner and get one.

You will do
nothing of the kind.

That paper is not getting
into this house, Alice.

Hey, Ralphie Boy!

It's in the paper.
There it is.

Everything you said,
word for word.

Look at that.
Ralph's picture?
What did he say?

Didn't the head of the household
show it to you?

There it is,
right in there.

Out!

Get out!

How could you, Ralph?

How could you?

Five men, Ralph.

Five men answered
this question

and you were
the only one

to make an idiotic
statement like that.

Why, Ralph? Why?

Because I was the
only one brave enough

to make that idiotic
statement, that's why.

Ralph, do you think
if they'd asked me
that question,

I would have said
that I was the boss?

How could you?

How could you, Alice?

You're a woman, remember that.

Women aren't bosses.

Men are bosses.

Men.

They do it all.

Men run this world, Alice.

Men.

They are responsible for
the shape the world's in. Men.

Well, I'm sure glad to
hear one of you admit it.

It just kills you,
don't it?

It just kills you
that you're a woman.

That instead of being
a leader like a man,

you gotta be a follower.

That's what women are,
you know. Followers.

Men. They've done it all.

Done it all. All the
great inventions. Men.

Men have done
all the great things

since the beginning of time.

I'll give you
a perfect example.

There'd be no America if it
wasn't for Christopher Columbus.

There'd be no
Christopher Columbus

if it wasn't
for his mother.

Now I'm gonna tell
you something, Ralph.

I am never gonna refer to that
ridiculous article again.

But I want you to understand
something once and for all.

There never was, and
there never will be
a boss in this house.

Now let me straighten
you out about something.

There has been, there is,
and there always will be

a boss in this house
and that boss is me.

I'm glad Norton
brought the paper down.

I'm glad you saw it,

because today is the day
that I was emancipated.

I'm the boss, Alice!

And you might as well
get it into your head.

And I'm glad about it!

Very glad I'm the boss.

Very glad that you know it.

Practically calls
for a celebration.

I'm gonna celebrate.

Is that bottle of wine
that I was supposed

to give your brother
for Christmas

still in the closet?
Yeah.

Well, then watch this.

What do you think
you're gonna do, Ralph?

You'll find out
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna celebrate.
I'm gonna drink it.

Ralph, you're not gonna
drink that wine.

I certainly am.

Ralph, you know what
drinking does to you.

Now, one drink
of that, Ralph,

and you'll be just
so deathly sick,

you won't even be able
to go to work tomorrow.

Are you kidding?
Drinking doesn't affect me.

Oh, no? Then how about
the time we ate

in that Hungarian restaurant,

you had a two-day hangover
from a slice of rum cake?

Now, you're not touching
that bottle, Ralph.

Don't you ever tell me not to
touch anything in this house.

Just make sure you don't
touch anything in this house.

Now I'm going up and
getting my pal Norton

who I rudely
threw out of here,

and he's coming down to
celebrate the emancipation.

How do you like that?

Ralph, what did you say
to my puddin'?

For once, Trixie,
you're right.

I was out of place when
I said anything to Norton.

What did you throw
him out of here for?

Because I made a mistake.

I'm very happy now
that he came down here

and brought this
whole thing to a head,

because now she knows it
and I know it,

and you know it--
I'm the boss of this house,

and Norton's the boss
of his house.

And I'm going up,
bringing him down.

We're gonna celebrate
the emancipation.

Ha! Ha!

( door slams )

Alice, what is this
all about?

Here.

This appeared
in tonight's paper.
Hmm.

Now Ralph's out to prove that
he's the head of the house,

and he's making
a test case out of it.

He's going to get Norton
to bring him down here

and they're gonna drink
this bottle of wine.

Oh, this is terrible.

Oh, what am I
gonna do, Trix?

I can't let
Ralph drink that.

We'll have to think of something
or they'll both get sick.

I got it.

Wh-Wh-What good'll that do?

They'll just go out
and buy another bottle.

Oh, no they won't.

I'm gonna fill this bottle
up with grape juice.

Grape juice? Won't Ralph
know it's grape juice?

Oh, of course not.

Take this
a sec. Thanks.

Ralph?

Not the kind of drinker he is.

Here, Trix.

He'll never even know
the difference.

And besides, the bottle
is still gonna smell like wine.

Yeah.

Say, I'd better fill it
all the way up.

The only trouble is, do you
think Ed'll know the difference?

Oh, don't worry
about him.

He gets tipsy from
reading the label.

Besides, Alice,
I think

all they're really
interested in is
having one drink

just to prove that they
can get away with it.

You know
what I mean?
Yeah.

Now let me just
get rid of this.

'Kay.

Put it over here.

RALPH:
Come on, my pal.
Right this way.

Out of the way, girls.

Some men are gonna
to do some drinking.

Sit down there, pal.

Thank you.

Clear the field.

Ooh, nice-looking
bottle of wine there.

Norton, I propose a toast.

The first toast to my wife,

who finally has
found her place.

Ha, ha!

Ah...

A little strong but good.

A very amusing
little bottle of wine.

( chuckles )

I would like at this time
to propose a toast.

May I pour?

To my wife.

To Trixie.

I don't know why we
haven't done this before.

( laughing )

As we say in the sewer,
here's mud in your eye!

So I guess you girls are
learning something tonight.

Trixie, could I come up
to your apartment?

I just can't stand seeing
my husband destroy himself.

You are so right.

( women giggling )

You'd think they
were drinking.

Must've got a look
at the label.

( laughs )

Let's have
another one, pal.

Pour away, mein host!

( laughing )

"Pour away, mein host."

Can't walk on one leg!

( laughing harder )

( mumbles )

( laughs quietly )

( laughing louder )

( guffawing )

( hacking cough )

( both laughing )

What are you laughing at?

( laughing
uncontrollably )

What are you laughing at?

What am I laughing at?

( chuckling ):
Yeah.

What am I laughing at?

( quiet laugh )

I forgot what
I was laughing at.

( chortles )

What's the difference
as long as we're laughing?

Pour out another one now.

( humming )

Huh.

Hey...

Nah, never mind.

What do you say,
Ralph, that we, uh...

Nah.
rip into a little song?

I'll say...
I'm feeling...

beautiful.

You know why I'm
feeling beautiful?

Go ahead.

I'll tell you why.

I can't wait...
to see the face

on Joe Fensterblau
tomorrow when I go to work.

( chuckles )

Ever since the night
we were playing poker...

I know.

And I had to leave
early, and he says...

he's got to leave early

'cause his wife
won't let him stay out.

Do you remember that?

Yeah. Do I, do I...
How...

It's all right.

( lisping ):
Oh, I mean, like...

Wait 'til I see
him tomorrow.

...Joe Fensterblau.

Wait 'til I see
him tomorrow.

That's the thing.

Don't let you get upset
all over Joe Fensterblau.

He repeats everything.

He hasn't got a mind
of his own anyway.

Here's to that poor,
misguided soul, Joe Fensterblau!

( mirthless chuckle )

Joe Fensterblau.

He's a...

He sure is.

Va-va-va-voom!

I feel like I have hair
on my face or something.

( laughs )

Either that's wine
on the table

or somebody was just
stabbed upstairs.

( laugh hysterically )

That is funny, Ralph.

( drunken laughter )

Huh?

A little song.

A little song?

That one that was
always good for you.

All right.

"I Had a Dream, Dear"?

Wait a minute. We might
as well do this right.

I got a pitch pipe
in the bedroom...

Go get the pitch pipe.

Go get
the pitch pipe.

( chuckles )

Everything's
going real fast.

The table ain't level!

( laughs )

You , boy, you.

( Ralph laughing )

Somebody stole the bed.

We don't need no pitch pipe.

♪ I... ♪

♪ We had a dream, dear ♪
♪ ...had a dream, dear ♪

♪ You had one, too ♪

♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

♪ Doo-wop ♪

( sharp exhale )

( snoring )

Well...

there they are.

Our dashing, debonair,
devil-may-care playboys.

It just shows you what
the power of suggestion can do.

Yep. 100 proof male ego.

Alice, a toast.

I give you our husbands.

( snoring )

A toast.

You can have 'em.

Yes. Oh, aw, man.

Hey, Fred. How do you
like this for a clincher?

"The day I got married,
I said only two things:

"'I do,' and 'I'm the boss.'"

( laughs )

And I had that Kramden
figured wrong.

I didn't think
he had the nerve.

Is he working today?

Yeah. He always works
a half a day on Saturdays.

Harry, I gotta hang around
here and shake his hand.

Yeah.
I tell you...

Hi, fellas.
Oh.

Is Ralph around? I was
supposed to meet him here.

Norton, you're just
the guy we want to see.

What?
Yeah, give us
the lowdown.

What did Kramden's wife do
when she read the newspaper?

I'm very happy to announce
that in his house,

Ralph Kramden is king.

Oh. She crowned him?

No, no, no.
On the contrary.

He proved to me last night
that in his house,

his word is law.

No kidding?
Yeah.

I saw it with my own eyes,
heard it with my own ears.

Oh, boy, do I wanna
shake your hand.

I gotta come shake
the hand of a man

who said what you said.

What
courage!

I tell you,
I really mean it.

You're twice
the man I am, Ralph.

Yeah, with about
20 pounds left over.

Well, I didn't do anything

any other brave
or intelligent man wouldn't do.

You keep punching.
You keep punching.

So long, Ralph.

BOTH:
See you Monday.

Nice couple of
chaps, those guys.

Ah, I tell ya, they-they
admire you, you know,

they worship you,
and deservedly so.

Yeah.

Boy, you know what?

I'm glad I only have
to work a half a day today.

Hoo-hoo, what a head
I got. Oh!

Yeah, I had a little
hangover myself.

I couldn't hardly get my head
through the manhole, you know.

Fortunately, when I
got up this morning,

there was something
in the icebox,

straightened me
right out.

What?
Cold grape juice.

I gotta remember that
for next time.

Yeah. It wasn't bad at
that, though, was it?

Hey, I got
a newsflash for you.

I wanna play a little pool
with you this afternoon.

This is Saturday afternoon.
I thought you went

shopping with Trixie
on Saturday afternoon.

I don't care whether
it's Saturday afternoon.

I told Trixie
to go shopping by herself.

I'm gonna go play pool
with you.

I said, "You either like it
or you lump it."

Very good, pal.

You're beautiful.

She lumped it.

Hey! Hi, Norton.
Hey, Windy.

Joe Fensterblau--
just the guy
I wanted to see.

By any chance,
did you read the
paper last night?

Yes I did, Kramden.

You got away with
some kind of a fluke.

But before I believe that
malarkey I read in the paper,

you gotta prove it to me.

Well, I wish there was
something right now

I could do to
prove it to you.

Well, there is a way.

A very simple way.

If a guy's really
the boss of his house,

it isn't any trouble
for him to call up his wife

and tell her he's bringing
home a friend for supper.

Is that all you want?

Ten bucks
you can't do it.

You got a bet.

I, uh, I'd like
a little piece of that.

I'd like a little
piece of that.

I got another ten.

All right, you, now,

what would you like
to have to eat tonight?

Well, I'm not a fussy man.

Just some soup, roast chicken
with stuffing, rice,

a little salad on the side

and a little dessert
and coffee.

You got it, pal.
Be there at 6:00.

6:00. I'll see ya.

Boy, that's the easiest
money we ever made.

You can say
that again.

Now I gotta
call up Alice.

She's over at
her mother's.

Sure thing.

Hello. Is Alice there?
This is Ralph.

Alice? Look, run right home now
and start cooking.

I'm bringing a friend over...

Alice? Alice!

She hung up.

Well, there goes
the 20 bucks.

Is that all
you're worried about?

Fensterblau finds out that
she wouldn't cook the supper,

it'll be all over
the depot tomorrow.

What are we gonna do?
What? What?

You and I, we're going home,

we're gonna cook
that meal ourselves.

When Fensterblau
gets there tonight,

I'll say that
Alice cooked it,

but she had
an appointment,
she had to leave.

That's a good idea.

After all, men are
the best chefs, aren't they?

Oscar of the Waldorf,
Pierre of the Ritz...

Grace Kelly's father.

What does Grace Kelly's
father got to do with it?

He cooked up
a pretty sweet dish.

( laughs )

How's the
chicken coming?

As soon as I get the dressing
sewn up, I'm all ready.

I think that salad's
about ready for seasoning.

Whoops! Water's boiling.

Where's the...
where's the wild rice?

It's right in front of you.

How much do I put in here?

Well, there's three of us.

Uh... it's a small box.

You'd better put it all in.

In case it's too much,

I won't eat it.
Okay.

Where's the... where's the
spoon, a ladle or something?

Oh, there's one on top
of there. I'll get it.

You got a new watch fob?

Shut up!

Come on! Get the chicken
in there. Hurry up.

He'll be here
in a minute.

No sense to hurry up.

I'll have this thing ready
by the time he gets here.

All right.
I'll just turn it up full.

It'll cook in twice the time.

There you go.

Well, the soup's on,

the chicken's in the oven,

we got the salad,
Yep.

we got the dessert
already in the icebox,

I want to tell you something:
Every husband should cook

just to show his wife

that she's dramatizing
the difficulties of cooking.

Look, we went out,
did the shopping,

got the food all prepared,
put it in the oven

and it's all ready to go.

We've only taken two hours
in the whole job.

That's right.
They make peo...

Hey, with
a light...
Look out!

Oh...

Boy, that is the wildest rice
I've ever cooked.

Oh, Norton,
our goose is cooked.

Our chicken is a
little well-done, too.

Ralph, what is this?
What happened?

Tell Fensterblau
I'll settle with
him on payday.

Hello, Alice!

All right, here it is.

When I called you up today,

I wanted you
to come home and cook

because I invited
Fensterblau over here

to have something to eat.

I wanted to show him
that I was boss of the house.

But when you hung up on me,
there was nothing to do

but me to come
home, cook it,

and say that you cooked it
when he got here.

All right, Ralph,
did it ever occur to you

that if you asked me
to cook supper

instead of ordering me
to do it,

that I would have been
very happy to cook supper

and you could have
had him over here.

( knock on door )

Come in.

6:00 on the button.

I'm ready for supper.

There ain't gonna
be any supper.

Well, I'm not surprised.

I didn't think
there would be.

Oh, hello,
Mr. Fensterblau.

Please excuse this mess.

Well, hello, Mrs. Kramden.

I guess I owe you
some sort of an apology.

I had planned to have dinner
all ready when you got here,

but while I was
in the midst of cooking,

that crazy stove
went "blooey"

and made this terrible mess
here, so I guess

the only thing that I can do
is give you a rain check,

and, well, if you can
come tomorrow night,

I'll cook you the greatest
meal you ever had.

Gee, that's awfully nice
of you, Mrs. Kramden.

I'll be here.

Good.

Well, Ralph, I guess
I owe you some money.

No, that's okay,
Joe. We're even.

Okay.
Just be here
tomorrow.

See you tomorrow night,
folks.

Good night.

Baby, you are
the greatest!