Hey, Harvey, nobody's using
number one table.
We can play right here.
Yeah, we'll play here.
Hey, Harvey,
I-I'm kind of thirsty.
What do you say
we go inside first
a-and have a cold drink?
Good idea.
Come on, George.
Let's go.
All right, Norton,
we'll play
for the same thing-- 25...
Come on, will ya, Norton?
What were you
doing out there?
I stopped at the ice cream place
to get some of these doughnuts.
Here. Want one?
Big ones.
Now, you know I
don't want a pretzel.
I'm on a diet.
Besides, on the way home
we can stop off
and get a pizza.
All right, I'll break.
Wait a minute,
I'll get my w*apon.
Wait, hey, whoa!
How come automatically
you break? Huh?
How about let me break?
It's very simple.
I'll tell you
why I'm breaking.
The last time we
played, you broke.
Oh, no, no, you broke.
Because we tossed a coin,
and whenever you toss
the coin for the break,
I never win.
All right, we'll make
it fair and square.
I'll toss another coin.
Go ahead, you call.
How about letting me toss?
Give me an even chance.
I'll toss the coin.
All right, you toss it.
I take heads.
Why do you want heads?
Let me take heads.
Why are you so particular
on wanting heads?
That has nothing
to do with it.
You're tossing,
so I'm calling,
and I want heads!
Now, wait a minute.
Uh, we both want
the same thing.
I'll play you odds and evens
for who gets heads.
All right,
I'll take evens.
You'll what?
I said I'll take evens.
How come you want evens?
Go ahead and
break the balls!
You are the stupidest man
I ever knew.
Maybe so,
but I'm breaking.
Go ahead and break!
Come on!
65 cents an hour.
There she goes!
( chuckling softly )
And a scratch to boot.
Now, if you'll stand aside
and watch very carefully,
I will show you the glorious
results of a misspent youth.
I will now play the 14 ball
in that furthest corner.
( chuckles )
Boy, you must have blew a lot
of time going to school.
Just go ahead and sh**t.
( clears throat )
Wait a minute,
I gotta spot a ball.
Thank you.
You didn't spot it
in a very good place.
May I ask a question?
What are you doing?
Just lining 'em up,
that's all.
Just lining 'em up.
I think I got 'em
all set now.
( clears throat )
Would you mind telling me
what's gonna happen?
Yes, I'll tell you
in a minute.
Now then...
I will knock the 8
and the 15 ball into
the corner pocket, there.
But before the 8 ball
goes into the corner pocket,
it will kiss off the 3 there,
causing the 9 ball to drop
into this side pocket here.
Before the 9 ball drops
into that pocket,
it'll hit the chrome
off the cushion there,
come bouncing
into these bunch of balls here
which will cause
a chain reaction,
making all the balls
go into the corner pocket
with the exception
of the number 4 ball
which will end up in
my upper left in that corner...
Go ahead and sh**t!
Hey, wait
a minute.
You can't
use this table.
Me and my friend,
we're playing here.
What are you talking about,
we can't use the table?
We are using it.
Get out of here.
Go ahead and sh**t.
But gee,
fellas, we're...
we were all
ready to play.
We just went inside
first to get a
cold drink.
Well, I hope it was very cold.
And I hope it was strong milk.
Now get out of here!
Go ahead.
How do you expect me
to go ahead and sh**t
with all this arguing?
Let's get another table.
We are not getting
another table.
We started here,
and we're going to finish here.
Now, you get out of here.
Go ahead.
You better not.
My friend isn't
going to like this.
I don't care
what your friend likes.
Now, you're not getting this
table under any conditions.
Go ahead and sh**t.
All right for you.
But if you do not let
us have this table,
I am going in and tell
my friend, Harvey.
H-H-Harvey?
Oh, Harvey! Oh, Harvey!
( chuckles )
You're going to tell
your friend Harvey?
Harvey?
He's gonna tell Harvey.
That's a nice name.
I like Har...
Isn't that a nice name--
Harvey?
That's a nice name--
Harvey.
I don't care
if you tell Harvey.
Go ahead and tell him.!
He's got me mighty scared.
I'm shaking to death.
You'd better
be careful.
My friend is even
bigger than me.
Your friend Harvey
is bigger than you?
I have a friend Shirley,
that's bigger than you.
Go ahead and sh**t.
Stop picking
on the little guy.
I'm not picking on him.
He started it.
We're playing here, and we're
going to continue to play here.
Now look, go in there
with your friend Harvey.
And if he wants
to start anything
or you want to start anything,
just come back out here again
and I'll twist you
into bookends.
Now get out of here.
Go ahead. There're maniacs
all over the joint.
I got to admit one thing.
When you are right, Ralph,
nobody pushes you around.
You know why?
Because you got spunk.
Spunk has nothing
to do with it, Norton.
I was in the right,
and when I'm in the right,
nobody pushes me around.
I bet that Harvey
is burning up in there now.
I hope Harvey
is burning up,
I'll tell you that.
I hope he's so b*rned up
that he comes out
here and tries to
start something.
I'll bend him
into a pretzel.
( both laughing )
When I'm in the right,
I'm in the right.
Nobody pushes me around.
Go ahead, pal.
All right.
There we go.
Oh...
Very lucky.
Very lucky.
This is my
friend Harvey.
I told you,
you're not gonna get the table.
Now go away.
Come on, Norton, will ya?
And you b*at it too, Harvey.
Hey, uh, Ralph,
he's even bigger
than your friend Shirley.
I got an idea
those bookends were going to be
a little lopsided.
What are you
talking about,
bookends?
He said he was gonna
twist me and you
into bookends.
Oh, he did, eh?
So you're gonna
twist me and him
into bookends?
( stammering )
That's right.
That's right.
He's gonna twist you and him
into bookends.
You got nothing
to worry about, Ralph.
You're in the right.
No one can push you around.
Why don't you shut up?
And that's not
all he said.
He made fun
of your name.
He said Harvey
was a funny name.
Oh, he did, eh?
Harvey's a lovely name.
So, Harvey's a funny name?
You're a real
wise guy, eh?
I don't like wise guys.
You know what I
might do to you?
I might punch you
right in the mouth.
Hey, now, wait, wait,
wait just a minute.
You can't talk to us
that way.
You keep out of this!
Yeah,
stay out of it.
What are you yelling
at me for?
I wasn't the one that said
I'd twist you into a pretzel.
He did!
Shut up!
Oh! You're going
to twist me into
a pretzel, eh?
I don't even
like pretzels.
( stammers )
You hear that, George?
He's gonna twist me
into a pretzel.
( high-pitched
giggle )
All right, wise guy.
I'll give you a chance.
Come on. Step outside.
Come on, Ralph.
I'll hold your coat.
Why don't you
shut up?
Come on, wise guy.
Step outside and twist
me into a pretzel.
I can't go outside.
I have my new suit on.
All right,
I'll let you
get away with it
this time
'cause you're
just scared.
Yeah, he's
just scared.
Yeah, rack 'em up.
We're gonna use
this table, George.
Well, let's go, Norton.
Hey, uh, I just want
to tell you thing,
that my, uh, friend
ain't a-scared of you.
What he said about
wearing a new suit is true.
He's got
a brand-new suit on.
He'll fight you any time.
Will you shut up?
He'll be there!
Norton, shut up.
Oh... so you want to fight me
some other time, huh?
All right, wise guy.
Meet me at 8:00 at Kelsey's Gym,
Friday night.
( stammering )
We will be there.
Just make sure
that you show up.
Don't worry,
I'll be there,
and if you don't show up,
I'll come get you.
Where do you live?
328 Chauncey street.
Norton...
All right, don't forget.
Friday night, Kelsey's Gym.
Come on, George.
I want to go home
and punch the bag a little.
GEORGE:
Okay, Harvey.
And just remember,
if you don't show up,
I'll come get you.
A pox on you and
all your ancestors!
What is the matter
with you, Ralph?
I always
thought you were
a level-headed,
clear-thinking man.
What did you have
to pick a fight
with that guy for?
Get out.
Huh?
Get out!
Oh!
( yelling ):
Get out!
"A pox on you
and your ancestors..."
( doorknob rattling, knocking )
( pounding )
( doorknob rattling )
( pounding
"Shave and a Haircut" )
Who is it?
ED:
It's me, Ralph, it's Norton.
Let me in there.
Oh. Hiya, Norton.
What do you say there,
Ralphie boy?
( chuckling )
How do you do, folks?
This is smiling Ed Norton,
talking to you direct
from the training quarters
of the Bensonhurst Bomber.
Would you like to say
a few words
to your fans out there,
Bomber?
Aw, shut up!
( laughing )
Oh, boy, I'm telling you,
you ought to hear the guys
talking around the pool room.
They're all excited
about this fight,
and they're betting on it
and everything.
Oh, I'm telling you,
it's gonna be
a beautiful fight.
And I got some news
for you
that'll make you feel
pretty proud.
Some word came in direct
from the candy store
a little while ago:
some late money
came in backing you
and knocked the odds down
to 500-1.
You mean, they're betting
500-1 that I lose?
Lose, nothing--
they're betting 500-1
that you don't even show up.
Well, you better grab
a piece of that bet
'cause they're so right.
If you think I'm going
up to that Kelsey's Gym,
you're crazy.
What do you mean,
you're not going?
Just what I said.
I'm not going.
Well, you gotta go.
All the boys
are talking about it.
They're betting on it and
everything, like I said.
This is a big thing.
Do you realize
that they're closing
the pool hall tonight
just so that all the boys
can go over there
and watch the fight?
This is a big thing
in your life, Ralph.
You gonna let
some of your friends down?
Shifty, Red, Nutsy.
I don't care about them.
Nutsy's going
to the fight, Ralph.
Nutsy! A guy who hasn't
missed a night
in the pool room in
all his life! Nutsy!
He's the guy that went
right over to the pool room
after his wedding--
that same night.
This is a big night.
Do you realize
they're closing
the pool hall
in your honor tonight?
Let's face it, Norton.
If I fight that Harvey tonight,
tomorrow night
they'll be closing the pool hall
in my memory.
You gotta go,
'cause if you don't go,
they'll all think
you're scared.
Wait a minute.
How is it
that everybody in the
neighborhood knows
that I'm gonna
fight this guy?
Who started that rumor?
Oh, I don't know.
Some blabbermouth
sh*t off his mouth.
I'll try and find out
who it is.
You don't have to find out,
'cause I know who the
blabbermouth was, pal.
You're the blabbermouth.
You're the blabbermouth
that started this whole
thing in the first place.
Well, just blabber
around that there
ain't gonna be a fight.
Listen, Ralph,
if you don't go,
the guys will think
you're scared.
Remember, this guy's
a bully, you know.
This Harvey, he's a bully.
He said if you don't show,
he'll come and find you.
He's a bully!
You won't even be able to walk
the streets
in the neighborhood.
He said he's gonna find you,
and he's gonna find you.
He won't miss you,
'cause let's face it, Ralph,
you're not the type
that melts in the crowd.
I don't care
what type I am.
All I know is I'm
not fighting that guy.
And another thing,
Mr. Norton,
everybody knows about
this fight except one person,
and that one person
is Alice.
And I don't want her
to know about it.
Remember that.
I don't want her
to ever know about this fight.
I think she'll get a
strong hint about it
when you come
home one night
with a lump
on your head.
I'm not coming home
with any lump on my head
because I'm getting
out of town
for a few days right now.
What are you gonna tell her
when you go out of town? What?
I don't know.
I'll think of something.
Yeah, I bet you will.
Hey there, Alice.
( humming )
What is that all about?
Eh? Oh, nothing,
nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nothing?
No, nothing.
You can pump me all night.
You're not gonna
get a thing out of me, Alice,
'cause I know how
to keep a secret.
What secret?
Uh, oh...
don't get cute now.
Don't get cute, Alice.
I can see by the expression
on your face
you're gonna pull
some of those trick questions.
Well, you're not get
a thing out of me
'cause I know how
to keep a secret.
Compared to a clam,
I am an oyster.
Ed, what are you
talking about?
What am I talking about?
Wouldn't you like to know?
That's for me to know
and you find out.
I'm not gonna tell a thing
because my lips are sealed.
Some guys in the neighborhood
are blabbermouths but not me.
Remember during the w*r?
That expression, "a slip
of the lip will sink a ship"?
I never sank one.
If I was connected
with a Brinks robbery,
they wouldn't know today
that the money
was even missing yet.
'Cause I know how
to keep a secret,
and Ralph and I got
a secret,
and we don't want you
to find out about it.
My lips are sealed,
and you will never
know our secret.
Ralph? What secret has
he been keeping from me?
Oh, you won't find out
because I'm not gonna tell you.
My lips are sealed,
I can't even talk, see?
I'm not telling you
no secret.
Oh, uh, hi, Alice.
I didn't know
you was home.
Ralph, what's all this
about a secret
you've been keeping
from me?
Secret?
Don't worry
about a thing.
Oh, she tried to
get it out of me,
but I was too
clever for her.
Well, you know me
better than that, Alice.
You know we never have
any secrets with each other.
Well, so long.
I'm gonna be gone
for a couple weeks.
Ralph.
Yes?
What do you mean,
you're going to be gone
for a couple of weeks?
And where do you
think you're going
with that suitcase?
Didn't I tell you
I was going away?
Away where?
O-Out of town.
Out of town where, Ralph?
Now, look, don't treat me
like a baby, Alice.
If I want to go out of town,
I'll go out of town.
You don't have to worry
about me.
I can take care of myself.
If you knew how to
take care of yourself,
you wouldn't have
to leave town.
All right, Ralph.
Are you going to tell me?
No, I am not going
to tell you.
No, I am not.
And just for that,
I ain't even going.
There. You satisfied?
Now you ruined
a wonderful trip I was going on.
Boy, oh, boy--
all I know is,
if they ever institute
a "nut of the month" club,
I've got a very good idea
who's gonna be
January and February.
Well, if you know,
don't tell,
because a "slip of a
ship can sink a lip."
Oh, why don't you shut up?
Listen, Ralph,
you just stay right here.
I'll fix your supper
for you in a minute,
but I gotta go up
to Trixie's first.
( sighs )
Well...
( clears throat )
...looks like
you're gonna have
to stick around, Ralph,
so, uh...
Yeah, you're a
big help, Norton.
Why don't you let me, uh,
give you a few pointers
on boxing?
I don't need any pointers
because I'm not fighting.
What do you mean,
you're not fighting?
This guy's...
this guy's a bully, you know.
He said he'd come after you
if he didn't find you.
He's coming right up here,
you know.
This isn't a game of tag
with him.
It's not kid stuff.
What are you gonna do
when he comes up here?
Well, if he comes up here,
I'll-I'll fight him,
but I ain't going
over there to
fight him.
All right, you'll have
to fight him here then,
so get up and let me show
you a few pointers on boxing.
I don't want any pointers.
Will you get up there
and show me your stance?
Get up there.
You gotta know how
to defend yourself.
I know how to defend myself.
All right.
Well, first, show me
your, uh, boxing stance.
I got an idea
you got a secret
w*apon, there, Ralph.
Harvey may die laughing
when he looks at you.
That's all.
No, no.
Don't-don't-don't
get discouraged.
Now, just stand up there.
So much for the offense.
Now, a little
defense practice.
Limber up your body.
Skip around like this.
sh**t a few lefts out.
( muttering )
That's it.
That's it.
Take me, Ralph.
Look, see.
That's it.
Go ahead,
go ahead there.
See? That's it.
All right.
Cover up your
face, Ralph.
Face...?
Cover up your face.
Cover up your face.
( yells )
( loud groan )
( moaning )
( pathetic groan )
What is the matter
with you?!
What did you tell me
to cover up my face
and hit me
in the stomach for?
Well, that'll teach you
never to trust
anybody in the ring.
That did it.
I'm through.
All right, Ralph,
all right.
I'll admit, I'll agree.
You're not in shape to do
a fight with this guy.
All right.
We just gotta think
of something...
I'm in shape.
I'm in shape!
...to get out
of this gracefully.
Get out of it
gracefully?
Yes, just get
out of the fight.
I know all about getting
out of it gracefully,
but how do you get
out of it gracefully?
Well, let me think now,
let me think now.
If Harvey thought that
you could b*at him up,
there would be
no doubts about it,
he'd back out of it
in a minute, right?
Well, how could
I knock out anybody
that's bigger than Harvey?
Just a minute, now,
just a minute.
The-the wheels are turning,
the wheels are turning.
I know what your
wheels are turning.
All right!
You think you're gonna get
somebody bigger than Harvey
for me to knock out.
Is that right?
Just a minute.
Yes, that is the general idea,
but here's what we do.
We get this guy
that is bigger than Harvey
and get him over there
at the gym tonight, see?
And then you knock him out
right in front of Harvey.
Well, now you know
that Harvey's gonna be a-scared,
and he'll back out
of the fight in a minute.
Now, I got a friend...
That might work.
He works in the sewer.
He's a giant, a big guy.
Much bigger than Harvey.
I'll get him
over there tonight,
and you will knock him out
right in front of Harvey,
and Harvey'll
back out quick.
Go along?
That's not bad.
Go along with the idea?
Well, look,
maybe Kelsey's Gym
will be crowded tonight.
How am I gonna
know your friend?
Oh, that's right,
we'll have to have
some, uh, passwords.
Uh, let me think, uh...
Oh, yeah, uh, I'll tell him
to say when he sees you,
"Hey, get a load
of fatso there." See?
Does he have to say,
"Get a load of
fatso there"?
Well, he could say,
"Hey, get a load of skinny,"
but then Harvey would, uh,
suspect that it was a fix.
All right,
"Get a load of fatso."
Okay, I'll go get him
at his place.
Now, are you sure
that this guy'll
do it for you?
Well, of course
he'll do it for me.
He's my friend.
He works with me in the sewer.
We stick together down there.
We got a motto:
"Water is thicker than blood."
Now, don't forget the saying,
"Hello there, fatso."
I know, I know.
"Get a load of fatso."
Yes, yes, yes.
See you later.
"Get a load of fatso
over there"?
Well, I see you showed up,
wise guy.
Oh, hello, Harvey.
Come on.
Let's go inside
and get started.
Oh, uh, I can't go yet.
I'm, uh, waiting for a friend.
You ain't backing out,
are you, wise guy?
Oh, no.
Perish the thought.
I'm not backing out.
I'm just waiting
for a friend who has to show up.
Okay, come on.
Let's get inside.
I'll be ready for you
in a minute. Don't...
Hey, what are you doing?
Outta my way, buddy.
Hey, get a load
of fatso there.
HARVEY:
Ah, come on,
let's get moving.
Just a moment.
What did you say?
I said, "Get a load
of fatso there."
Wanna make
something out of it?
I certainly do.
And let that be
a lesson to you.
( self-satisfied coughs )
Well, Harv, uh,
are you ready?
Do you care to step
in the other room?
Uh, no, I...
Hey, that's... that's
quite a punch you got there.
Oh-ho, it's really nothing.
( chuckles )
I hit him with
my bad hand.
That's why I don't
like to fight too much.
I usually hurt
someone real bad.
Sometimes I even
hurt myself.
( goofy laughing )
Well... what do you say?
Shall we, uh, step inside?
Hey, look, I-I don't want
no trouble with you.
That was just
one of my jokes.
You can take a joke, Ralph.
All right, yellow-belly.
I'll let you off
the hook this time,
but watch out
in the future.
Now b*at it.
Anything you say, pal.
I'll-I'll see you around.
Boy, oh, boy.
It worked like a charm.
You were just great!
Come on, pal.
Hey there, Ralph.
Hey. Did you see Harvey
running out of there?
Yeah, where'd he go?
I seen him leaving the place.
Where did he go?
When your friend
walked in,
he says,
"Get out of the way, fatso."
I gave him a belt.
Down he goes,
like he was k*lled.
Harvey sees this
and ran right out.
You were beautiful!
Come on, pal, get up.
Your friend's just great.
Hey, uh...
...that ain't my friend.
He couldn't make it tonight.
What do we care if...?
That ain't your friend?
No. My friend's sick in bed
with a cold.
But this guy walked in.
He did everything
like your friend
was supposed to do.
Why would he say,
"Hey, fatso, get
out of the way"?
I don't know.
Maybe the phrase just fits.
Wait a second.
If that isn't
your friend,
then I knocked him
out with one punch.
I guess you did, Ralph.
Run downstairs
and have Harvey come back up.
I'm ready for Harvey.
Hey, Harvey!
Hey, Harvey!
Come on, pal!
( smug yelping )
( groaning )
01x37 - The Bensonhurst Bomber
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.
One of the most beloved sitcoms in TV history that follows the lives of New York City bus driver Ralph, his wife Alice, Ralph's best friend Ed and Ed's wife Trixie as they get involved with various schemes.