03x03 - The 83rd Annual Villy Awards

[bunniefuu]

[CAT MEOWING]

Listen, I just can't thank you
enough for letting us stay here, Selina.

Please, it's no trouble at all. The guy I'm
seeing has got this whole wing of a mansion

that's pretty much mine now,
so I'm barely home.

I mean, I was gonna pay someone to
feed my cats, but now I don't have to.

Great. And you know, I
know we're just guests,

so I promise we will respect your stuff.

What do you think this is? Ahh!

- [GRUNTS]
- [GLASS BREAKING]

And I guess we'll never know.

[GASPS] Rembrandt's "The Storm
on the Sea of Galilee."

Degas's "Program for
the Artistic Soirée and ."

Dear Lord! I believe I've solved
the Isabella Stewart Gardner heist.

It's entirely filled with
premium sushi rolls.

[SELINA] That's for the cats only.

They love raw fish.

Obviously, I have cameras
all over the place.

And do not open the room
with the green door.

Princess has been a naughty,
naughty kitty and she's in time out.

[SELINA] All right, bye.

Wait, wait! Before you go,
girl, come on, you gotta dish.

Like, tell me about this guy.
What's his butt like? Like, is it cool?

He's... fine.

Yeah. No, totally. I bet
you could do so much better.

Mmm-hmm.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

Shall I continue?

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] It's not worth it.

[OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Honey, can you hand me one of
those clean beakers?

- [LOUD CRASH]
- Ow, my penises!

Oh, you mean a clean, clean one.

Sweetie, I am close to
perfecting this serum.

All I need to do is reduce the combustion
intake by adjusting the picric acid level

and then adding a small amount of
sodium bicarbonate to counteract it.

- I'm gonna make it less explodey.
- Oh yeah. Good thinkin', Ive.

So, next step, I gotta get our hands on...

- [HARLEY SCREAMS]
- What?

I can't find the damn unsubscribe
button in this email. It just pisses me off.

- So what we really have to do...
- [HARLEY SCREAMS]

I found the button, thank god.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

- [HARLEY SCREAMS]
- And they sent you the email

- confirming you unsubscribed.
- No, no, listen to this.

"The Academy of Evil Arts and Science, in
association with the Gotham Foreign Press,

is honored to announce the nomination
of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy for Best

"Couple at the rd Annual Supervillain
Awards!" [SCREAMS EXCITEDLY]

Ugh, the Villys? Oh, great, another
gaudy award show for egomaniacs.

Why would they think that we
wanna attend that circle jerk?

Cause I always win that circle jerk.

Well, why keep jerkin' then?
Why do you need more awards?

Cause all those wins were with Joker.

That clown kept every Villy for himself.

Didn't even let me on stage.

I never got to give the big
speech and I live for the big speech.

Hell, one time he didn't even take
me, he just took one of his g*ons.

- Dean.
- Oh it was Dean?

I wanna be on that
stage with you, holding up

our Villy right in
middle of that circle jerk.

Honey, I just got my lab setup. I've got
momentum on this plan. I'm in the zone!

And I mean like, when have I actually
even used the words "in the zone"?

Oh, can't you step out of the
zone for one night,

and then after pop right back into the zone?

- Please, please...
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Okay, okay, screw it,
let's go win this award.

[HARLEY SCREAMS]

But I'm having three Long Island
ice teas and no one's stopping me.

- No ice.
- f*ck yeah!

First thing tomorrow, Martha, I announce
my retirement and focus on our family.

Put little Brucie on, will ya.

Heya, sport. I know I haven't always been
here for you, but I promise that's over now.

Tell mother to wear her pearls cause
tonight we're going to the movies!

And... cut! great take. moving on.

Ugh, God, my back is k*lling me

- [CHAIR VIBRATING]
- [MOANING] There it is!

Willie Rob!

Might not recognize me.

Lotta hair and makeup... I play
the chair. The director's chair.

Maybe you could, say, sit on me

in exchange for one-on-one acting lessons?

I don't sit.

Ah, the Christopher Nolan
school of acting, no sitting on set.

I don't ever sit.

Me neither. Another standing pooper!

James!

Eatin' a Danish. Just
tastes better on set.

Look, it's just buddy, this, this dialogue.
I mean. It's not humming, ya know?

Ugh, it hums.

[BILLY BOB] Hey, you know what?
Maybe we could meet at your place?

You know, cook some dinner,
and do a re-write?

It's like what Warner Bros told me

while I was writing the "Scooby-Doo"
movie. It's all about the edit.

[CHUCKLES] On second thought, forget

everything I just said!
And let's meet tonight.

- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Cool.

And we say happy Villy Sunday
from Gotham City's lovely Crime Alley.

Ooh, Riddler, Clock King.
Congrats on the nom for Best Couple.

Thanks, Tawny, It's a big category.

Lotta great couples this year.

Now you two were some of
Gotham's first openly gay villains.

Must not have been easy.

[LAUGHS] You might say the hardest
riddle I ever solved was my own sexuality.

Luckily, I figured it out just in time.

- Oh god, you turn my gears.
- Come here.

- Oh, okay, now don't lean, that's okay.
- Oh, oops, get in there!

- [KISSING NOISES]
- Aw.

And Clock King, can you
tell us who you're wearing?

Of course, Tawny my clock tonight is by the

master, Patek Philippe,
it's a chronometer...

You didn't tell me we
had to walk the red carpet.

But you love walking!

[POISON IVY GROANS]

Don't forget to re-apply lipstick
before they announce your name.

Need that bold lip pop on camera.

It's the other dynamic duo:
Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy!

I can't tell ya how great it
feels to be here for another Villy,

and with time with the love of my life.

Well, girl, this is the first time
you're running minus the Joker.

Think you can do it without him?

When we're up on that stage
everyone will forget about Mr. J.

It's all about my sweet love Poison Ivy.

Okay, well, Ivy, everybody's
clamoring to see those claws.

Is there a theme to your nails tonight?

Uh... social anxiety, I guess?

[TAWNY] Oh...

God, they run out of those
little quiches so fast, huh, Ive?

If I stand here no one can ask
me who I'm wearing.

Okay, I know it's a lot,
but you're doing great.

Promise, the show
itself is pretty low drama.

[SIGHS]

Uh, hey, excuse me,
can you pass me the water?

Hell... o.

[DISAPPOINTED GROAN]

[FEMALE ANNOUNCER] Live
from Crime Alley's Monarch Theatre,

it's the rd Annual Villy Awards.

Here's your host: the ace of knaves,

the clown prince of crime... Joker!

[SNARLS]

- [ALARM BEEPS]
- Ah sh*t.

I'm late for my eight o'clock.
I've got a show to host.

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Tonight's the night We celebrate
the bad guys We fight it out ♪

♪ Every day for the real prize The
awards for those They demonize ♪

[WICKED LAUGH]

[SINGING] ♪ We're here
for gold I've won my share ♪

♪ Tonight's the one night We play it fair ♪

♪ From k*ller Croc, To Firefly ♪

♪ Throw those hands up In the sky ♪

- ♪ Put on a smile ♪
- ♪ Like Joker do ♪

This is beyond messed up.

You know, I should hate 'em,
but dammit the girls got moves.

- ♪ We're throwin' acid. Yeah! ♪
- ♪ Like Joker do ♪

- ♪ We're gettin' plastered ♪
- ♪ Like Joker do ♪

♪ Grodd is here Dressed in a tux ♪

♪ And so is Bane Too bad
he sucks ♪ - [BANE] What?

♪ Harley Quinn With her new
flame I sat them next to... ♪

♪ Oh, what's his name? Put on a smile ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ Like Joker do ♪

♪ We're gettin' wild ♪

- [EVIL LAUGH]
- ♪ Like Joker do ♪

So, this is awkward turtle.

No. Why, why would that be?

Uh, because we had an affair while you were

dating, then you left
him at the altar for me,

and now we're all seated at
an award show where you and I

are up for Best Couple and la la la.

Bingo-bango.

♪ Like Joker do! ♪
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]

We've got an incredible show for
you, folks. Some great guests, Sinestro,

Solomon Grundy, Kevin Spacey. Stay tuned!

Maybe we should go? Should we go?

No, no, no it's fine. All in the past.

Actually, I have completely, totally
moved on. Even brought my new boo.

- You're dating Bane?
- What?

I got a pretty good gig as a seat filler.

My girlfriend's not here yet.

She's running late.
But she's definitely real.

I have a girlfriend who is real.

Real hot, muy caliente.

Ha, but no it's not,
it's not just about her looks!

That would be shallow. I mean,
you girls would really get along!

[FORCED LAUGH] Yeah...

Ive, maybe we should go mingle little.

Mmm-hmm. You know what, you go ahead.

I just... I think need some air.

Whoa, you could cut the tension
with one of these. That's on them.

All they have to do is give me back my pasta
maker if they don't want things to be weird.

No, no. We all think it's cool.

Haven't heard a single person suggest
you're compensating for something.

Riddler! Cock King!

Ha! It's Clock King, honey.
Cock King's the other guy.

Ha, lookin' forward to seein'
all six of those hands clapping

while I'm up on stage with Ivy
giving the big speech.

Oh, Harley, have you seen our
new puppy, Maurice?

Yes, yes, show her.

Aww. So cute! Who's the other guy?

Riddle me this, who's the overseas
President without a country?

Who works in black and white,
but gives out the gold?

Why it's the head of
the Gotham Foreign Press.

And we gifted him Maurice's twin sister.

You know, to grease the wheels.

- Grease the wheels?
- Oh, Harley.

You of all people must know that
these awards are mostly political.

Joker spent half the year
campaigning for you two.

Gotta do whatever you can
to get the upper hand.

Even if it's a little underhanded, right?

Ugh, yeah, totally, everyone knows that. I
mean, it's very common knowledge. Mm-hmm.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Hey. You're the award show accountant, huh?

Cool, cool. And that briefcase right there?

It's got the winners in it, huh?

Maybe you could let me take
a lil peek inside it,

you know, make sure I won Best Couple.

Look, nerd. You're gonna hand over
that briefcase and give me the envelope.

I will look at it,
maybe cross somethin' out,

but hopefully not. Then you take it back,

pretend this never happened. Otherwise,
I'm gonna kick your math-lovin' ass.

Uh, wait, do androids piss?

[YELPS, GROANS]

[LOW GROWL]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

- [WOMAN] Need a charger?
- Thanks.

It's nothin'. I never leave home without it.

Which makes me think,
maybe I'm addicted to screens?

[CHUCKLES] I mean, who isn't, right?

Man... [EXHALES]

- This night sucks.
- Oh, why's that?

Ugh, it's just my girlfriend's
obsessed with winning this award.

This whole thing is just,

it's not my scene.

I wanted to spend the night at
home, working on my diabolical plan.

[GASPS] Diabolical work on
a Sunday? It's the Lord's Day.

Joke. I know the sabbath's on Saturday.

This would be k*lling if you knew me

because I am not religious.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

No, it was a good joke.

You know, to make matters
worse, those assholes

assigned me to sit next to my ex-fiancé.

I hear that. I couldn't even
get myself to go in.

I'm supposed to be in there
with my new boyfriend,

but I am way too nervous.

Why's that?

Those assholes assigned
us to sit next to his ex-fiancé.

[GASPS SOFTLY]
You are Kite Man's girlfriend.

And the award for the Most Creative
Nom de Plume goes to Cock King!

Oh! He's a chicken. [LAUGHS]
That is creative.

[DOORBELL DINGING]

The muse has arrived.

James! I brought bread.
Thought we'd break it.

Isn't your hair usually spikier?

[AWKWARD LAUGH] If I learned
anything from my seven years acting

on the Amy Sherman-Palladino dramedy
Gilmore Girls as the quirky town resident...

I'm gonna stop you there.
James Gunn doesn't act.

Everybody knows his brother
Sean played Kirk on Gilmore Girls!

You clicked the wrong Wikipedia,
didn't ya? You're not James Gunn.

- You're a monster!
- No, no, no. I... I'm the chair! Remember?

You can turn yourself into anything,
but you use your talent to become chairs?

Well, I'm not strictly.

At first I thought, maybe you're a stalker.

But I can see behind those horrific
clay eyes, you're just a hungry actor.

Oh, how I starve!

You know, I've been thinking, maybe
it's time for me to take on a protege.

And Chair Guy, I think you may be it.

[EXCITEDLY] Huzzah!

I gotta go take a piss, but when I get back

your life is gonna be changed forever, son.

- Where's the shitter?
- First door on the left.

Or was it the first door on the right?

[BILLY BOB] Holy sh*t, is that a tiger?

- [TIGER ROARS]
- [BILLY SCREAMS]

- [TIGER ROARS]
- [GLASS BREAKING]

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

- [KING SHARK] Hello?
- Shark? Perchance you're free?

[SNIFFLES] So moving.
Gone, but not forgotten.

Next is a special award given
only to the truly deserving.

The baddies who make a real difference.

This year's recipient of the Joe
Chill Honorary Award is... Cat woman!

- [LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]
- [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Let's forget the fact that I'm
not even really a villain,

I'm an anti-hero.

The only reason you gave me
this award is cause I'm Black.

After eighty-plus years you finally realize

you haven't let a single Black villain win.

No matter how much we deserve it.

Black Manta's been out here
for years as a marquee villain,

and you don't see him getting an award.

He's black?

And you think you can
satisfy your white guilt

with one apology trophy named after...

you guessed it, a white dude.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

[TIGER ROARING]

Why am I wasting my breath?

- So you're...
- Golden Glider.

Yes... Right. You're, you're the
one who glides with your, your...

I have these special ice skates that
let me glide in the air. Whoosh, shwing!

Woah. Look at that.

- They're like kites for your feet.
- That's what Chuck said!

Oh, wow. So you guys
know each other's secret

identities? I mean, that's pretty serious.

It was months before Kite Man
told me his real name.

I mean, I know it's pretty
fast, but yeah it feels real.

Has he made you the chili yet?

I love the chilli. It's incredible.

Right? Ah, he gets so obsessive
about picking each veggie.

It's almost like no onion
is perfect enough for him.

Oh, actually I hate... hate, hate,
hate onions, so he stopped using them.

Really? Gosh, but, Kite Man loves onions.

I mean, that's was like his
number two thing under kites.

I guess it's like how he took out
the meat when he made it with you.

Huh. Kite Man's a really good guy.

He's so good at being supportive,

even if it's a sacrifice for him.

Yeah. We're both... lucky.

Well, you know what? f*ck me.

I don't matter. You shouldn't
be nervous because of me.

I mean, the only person you
should give a snow rat's ass about

in that tacky theater is Chuck.

I mean, you're here because of
him, and I'm here because of Harley.

So, let's just go be in
there for them because

they sure as hell would be there for us.

Hell yeah.

[GRUNTS]

[AGGRESSIVE SCREAMING]

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

[HARLEY STRAINING]

Ugh. f*ck off, I was perfectly blended.

Hi-Yah!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[SCREAMS, GROANS]

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

- [SCREAMS]
- Ahh, someone's in here!

Ugh, move it or lose it Invisible Kid.

- Uh, I'm Imperceptible Man.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Oh my god, he did not wash his hands.

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

[GROANS, GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING, GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Ugh, you're such a d*ck.

[SCREECHING]

I sure hope we didn't have to
censor any of that. [LAUGHS]

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It was a very

touching speech about
your mother's leukemia.

Thanks, bud. Uh, BTDubs, I don't
currently have a bladder infection,

but the best prevention is to keep
crushing these vodka cranny-cran-crans.

Lisa!

- Ohhh!
- [GASPS]

- That's my babe.
- I'm so sorry I'm late, Chuck.

No problemo, mon amour.

I'm just happy we're together.

Although now, I do have to leave
you to use the little kite's room.

[HUMMING]

[GASPS, SCREAMS] Harley!

What's going on here?

[SIGHS SHARPLY] I'm lactating?

You know, this was my
first time at the Villys.

Always wanted to go, never got invited,

until last week, I got nominated for
"Best D-Lister" at the less publicized,

but definitely equally
prestigious Technical Villy Awards.

- Did ya win?
- I did not.

Lost to a guy with a g*n for a penis.

But sitting in that rented out
kid's dance studio, it hit me,

the only reason I got nominated
was 'cause of Ivy.

Dating her made me want to
be a better person, a better villain.

Hell, when I first met her I was a
delusional, nobody himbo. Now I'm big enough

- to lose Best D-Lister.
- But Ivy left you.

Yeah, and now I'm with Lisa and she rules.

Things are working out for the ole Kite Man.

And win or lose tonight, they
seem to be working out for you too.

Now, if you will excuse me, I gotta do a

yak-att*ck of some
vodka crans in that stall.

- [RETCHES]
- [VOMITING]

[KING SHARK YELLING]

It's taken care of.

A moment of silence to honor
the talented Mr. Thornton's life.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

Well, I'm done for. It was good
knowing you, friend.

Too bad you can't turn
into Billy Bob Thornton

and live-out your dream as a movie star.

It'd be far too much to keep up with.

Balancing his busy life
with your own much-less

busy but probably still important life.

Screw Clayface! I choose Thornton.

Billy, you were right. I looked at
the script, made a few changes,

added some incongruous songs to spice
in some humor. I think you're going to love!

Terrific. Oh, how I, Billy
Bob Thornton, alive and well,

do love our camaraderie, James Gunn.

Cool.

Okay, bitch, wait what happened
to you. You know what? I can guess.

Let's win this Villy, crush the acceptance
speech, and make that trophy a cuck.

Totally! How?

Uh, by making it watch us have
crazy sex till dawn. Duur.

Okay, I absolutely love that
image. But Ive, I am so sorry.

You've had real anxiety all
night, and I should've helped.

I was so fixated on that award
when I was with Joker

cause it was the only validation I ever got.

But that was a bad relationship,

and I have grown beyond that.

So who cares about a dumb trophy?

I've got the real award right here.

That's so sweet. But
I should've been more excited.

I mean, this is important to
you, so it is important to me.

- [HARLEY] Aw...
- [KISSING NOISES]

You wanna ditch this hellhole? Get some
Big Belly Burger? Tie up the employees?

Maybe take silly photos in our
fancy dresses?

Uh, hard yes. I'd k*ll for a
grilled cheese right now.

And you know we're
taking those silly photos.

It's not gonna be silly how hot we look.

f*ck you, Villys.

Yeah. f*ck you Villys!
And your vegan apps suck.

Don't put a leek on a crostini
and call it an hors d'oeurve!

Now, the moment we've all been
waiting for... The final award: Best Couple.

And the Villy goes to...

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy!

- What?
- Boo!

[SOBBING]

We will never win and it's because
of my big stupid clock for a face.

- Hey!
- Don't touch me.

You are beautiful. And you are loved. By me.

I don't even know what time it is.

I said Harley and Ivy!

Where is that damn seat filler?

So, going to any of those cool
after-parties later?

Hmm, well only one thing to do.
Trophy's mine! [LAUGHS]

On behalf of Harley and Ivy,
I'd like to thank my loyal g*ons.

Dean, shout out.

Laura, my co-class mom,
shouldn't be gendered.

And of course my better-half Bethany. Muah!

You are my rock.

And hey kids, you'd better be
off to bed, but if not,

this one's for you, Benicio and Soph-Soph.

Good night! [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

- I love you so much.
- Come here.

- Okay.
- Don't put your head right into my face.

- Oh, okay. Sorry.
- Stop Moving.

God, we have to work out our kisses.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]