02x17 - Hizzonner the Penguin

[bunniefuu]

A glorious day for the annual luncheon
of the Gotham City Charity Fund.

Uh-oh. There's
trouble on the wing.

Wait for me. MAN: Help! Help!

I'm being h*jacked
by Harry Hooligan!

Please, won't somebody help me?

Foul play in our fair city.

That crooked quack
is up to no good.

Citizen Penguin to the rescue.

You foul filcher. A feint.

I'll teach you to prey
on helpless Gothamites.

Penguin, what's going on here?
It's me you should be slugging.

What? Citizen Penguin
molest a minion of the law?

That is inconceivable.

Take care of this poor old man.

The Penguin did what?

Floored a thug who was
holding up a blind news dealer?

Was polite to a police officer?

Saved a baby in a buggy
from being hit by a truck?

And then donated $100,000 to
the Gotham City Charity Fund?

You're absolutely sure
it was the Penguin?

All right, Simms.
Keep an eye on him.

- Did you hear all that, chief?
- That I did, commissioner.

Oh, that feathered fiend must be cooking up
something pretty foul in his bubbling caldron.

There's only one man capable
of unraveling this tangled skein.

Hark, is this a dagger which I see
before me, the handle toward my hand?

Come, let me clutch thee.

I have thee not,
yet I see thee still.

It's very nice that you're playing
the lead in Macbeth, d*ck...

but don't forget that you
have a civics exam coming up.

- Yeah.
- Besides, Alfred may be getting uncomfortable.

Oh, not at all, sir. I've always
had a fondness for Shakespeare.

One moment, sir.

Yes, commissioner?

I see. We'll be right down.

Civics will have to wait, d*ck.
Penguin is up to some new tricks.

Alfred, you may exercise
your familiarity with the Bard.

Did you hear those rumors in the
lobby? The Penguin running for mayor.

- It's a free country, Robin.
- It won't be if he's elected.

Besides, I thought convicted felons were
barred from holding any official office.

I suspect Penguin has done
his civics homework well, Robin...

and has discovered that
Paragraph 34-A of the city charter...

has never been
officially repealed.

It specifically allows convicted
criminals to run for public office.

Holy disaster area.

I don't think there's any danger of
the Penguin being elected, Robin.

Hmm.

The people of Gotham City are not
as simpleminded as he might think.

Thirteen, please.

I'm glad you two are here, Dynamic
Duo. I wanted a chance to say goodbye.

I think you tend to overestimate
the Penguin, Mayor Linseed.

The Gotham City News Dealers'
Association doesn't overestimate him.

They endorsed him.

Thanks to those shenanigans
he pulled this afternoon.

The same shenanigans
got him the endorsement...

from the Gotham
City Charity Fund.

Not to mention the East
Coast Bird Lovers' Society.

- Commissioner?
- Yeah.

Bonnie.

Send in Gallus,
Rooper and Trendek.

Gallus, Rooper, Trendek.

- Take it away, C.F.
- Thank you, E.G.

Now, this is an accurate depiction
of the Gotham City electorate...

as determined by our famous
random sampling method.

Result, 30 percent stated their
preference for Mayor Linseed.

- Sixty percent preferred the Penguin.
- And 7 percent were undecided.

What's the fourth
line of the chart?

Ah, yes. That represents
two old ladies...

who are backing Harry Goldwinner,
the monarchist candidate.

And that, gentlemen,
is the big picture.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have an
appointment with the other candidate.

Gallus, Rooper, Trendek.

They're never wrong.

It's hopeless. I can't
possibly b*at the Penguin.

He'll use every underhanded
political trick in the book.

And he probably knows more
underhanded tricks than even I know.

It is true that the Penguin is
somewhat devious in his methods, but...

No, Batman. I
don't have a chance.

- There's only one hope.
- Yes?

You, Batman.

- Me?
- Yes, Batman, you.

You're the only one popular enough to
stand a chance of b*ating that tricky bird.

The mayor is right, Batman.

The Penguin will try to smear
whoever runs against him.

You're the only man in Gotham City
whose reputation is spotless enough...

to stand up against him.

You've got to run, Batman.

I can run as deputy mayor
on the same ticket with you.

It's the only way we can save Gotham City
from the clutches of that feathered fiend.

To run for mayor of a great
American city like this one...

It's a great responsibility...

but am I worthy of it?

If you're not,
nobody is, Batman.

Guardian of the
people's trust...

No, no, I'm not worthy of it.

You're the only man in
Gotham City who is, Batman.

- You've got to accept, Batman.
- We're the representatives of the people.

And we call upon you to save Gotham City from
the horrible fate of the Penguin as mayor.

Very well.

I accept the call of the people.

Hooray for Batman!
Batman for mayor!

- Hooray! Hooray!
- Hooray! Ha, ha!

Not far away, at Penguin
Campaign Headquarters...

Hey, Penguin, vote for him.

All together!

For he's a jolly good Penguin

For he's a jolly good Penguin

For he's a jolly good Penguin

Which nobody can deny

All right, back to
work, everybody.

When we're through with this campaign,
even Mayor Linseed will vote for me.

Gee, I wish I was old enough
to vote for you, Mr. Penguin.

Don't worry, little one, you'll get
your chance on my fourth term.

Quick, the latest figures. How
much of a lead do I have in the polls?

- None.
- None?

Well, just three hours ago...

you told me that I had 60
percent of the electorate.

- That was a pre-Batman poll.
- Since Batman announced his candidacy...

- Fifty-five percent favor Batman.
- Thirty-five percent favor the Penguin.

Seven percent are undecided.

And 3 percent are still backing Harry
Goldwinner, the monarchist candidate.

So old Pointy Ears has thrown
his cowl into the ring, huh?

Good. Once and for all, I'll settle
matters with that masked moron.

And when I finish with him...

he won't garner enough
votes to be elected dogcatcher.

Hold it. All workers
double the assessments.

Triple the size of the posters.

Quadruple the number
of campaign buttons.

We'll give the voters of this city
the kind of campaign that they want.

Plenty of girls and bands
and slogans and lots of hoopla.

But remember, no politics.

Issues confuse people.

See, a big smile, hearty handshake,
a very catchy campaign song.

That's the way to win an
election. Quack, quack, quack.

Meanwhile, at Batman
Campaign Headquarters...

Don't you think we should make
them a little bigger, Batman?

I think these are quite
large enough, Robin.

After all, the voters are interested
in issues, not in window dressing.

Sure, Batman, but a little
showmanship wouldn't hurt us any.

No, Robin.

I wanna conduct a campaign
that deals with the issues.

I'm convinced the American
electorate is too mature...

to be taken in by
cheap vaudeville trickery.

After all, if our national leaders were
elected on the basis of tricky slogans...

brass bands and pretty girls...

our country would be in a
terrible mess, wouldn't it?

I'm sure you don't remember me, Batman.
I'm Harriet Cooper, d*ck Grayson's aunt.

Of course I remember you, Mrs. Cooper.
Welcome to campaign headquarters.

Oh, you always say
exactly the right thing.

And I'm sure you're going to do exactly the
right thing for the people of this great city:

win the election and be
an outstanding mayor.

I'm going to try.

The Penguin must
be beaten at all costs.

And I know costs run
high in a political campaign.

Perhaps this will help.

Too generous.

Not for such an important cause.

This is just my little way of
taking an interest in politics.

As all good citizens should.

- Thank you.
- Bye.

Bye.

Holy bank balance.

It's because of
people like Aunt...

Mrs. Cooper that our
cause must not fail, Robin.

Mm.

And so the campaign begins.

Hey, you, that's
against the law.

Well, chief, how does
the campaign look to you?

I just don't know, commissioner.

At first I thought
Batman was a shoo-in.

But that blasted bird has
put on a fantastic campaign.

There's nowhere in Gotham City
doesn't have one of his ugly posters.

I just don't know, commissioner.

Hi there. How are you?

Hello, Batman. We came down for
your rally, and we're with you all the way.

- Thank you. I appreciate your support.
- We brought our babies for you to kiss.

- I'm afraid I can't do that.
- What?

It's a rather unsanitary
habit, you see.

Babies that small are
very susceptible to germs.

- My child, unsanitary?
- That's not what I meant.

A politician that won't kiss
babies? That's outrageous.

I admit it's rather
unusual, but...

It's more than unusual.
It's downright suspicious.

It's more than suspicious.
It's downright criminal.

What can you expect from
a fake politician like Batman?

Well, little darling.

Oh, little darling.

There's the little darling.

Where's the other
one? Quack, quack.

Let me see the other one. Oh!

How could anyone not love such a sweet,
darling, beautiful child as yours, madam?

Anyone except Batman, that is.

I'm giving him a
little kissy-kissy.

Don't tell me you good voters
are going to go to the Batman rally.

I wouldn't go to his rally if you
paid me. The man's a child-hater.

That's right. Down the block and to the
right. The Penguin rally is in full sway.

Count us in. You can't trust
a guy who doesn't like kids.

You slimy snake in the polls.
That was a dirty, low-down trick.

Right you are, Masked
Muttonhead. It's one of my lowest.

Politics is wonderful.

I can use all my lowest, slurpiest
tricks, but now they're legal.

Oh, I should have been
a politician years ago.

Bear in mind, Robin...

that most politicians are
honest servants of the people.

The dishonest ones
are the exception.

As candidate for
mayor of Gotham City...

I hope that this campaign...

will be a sober discussion...

of basic issues.

I'm glad to see so many citizens who
are concerned about their city's welfare...

and interested in its problems.

I wish Batman would put a
little more zip in his speech.

- Chief. Chief.
- Hmm... Hmm? Huh? Oh.

Sorry, commissioner.

Couldn't you get Batman to
agree to one little brass band?

Batman feels that a political campaign should
not be a vaudeville show, Mayor Linseed.

But this isn't a political
campaign. This is a funeral service.

I know my opponent is
having a rally down the street.

I hope that he too
will address himself...

to basic issues.

Champagne for everybody.

- Hooray for Penguin!
- Hooray for Penguin!

Hooray for me! Quack, quack.

Vote for Penguin, yes, sirree
He's the bird for you and me

Clean up Gotham, one, two,
three So cast your vote for Pengy

Friends and fellow Gothamites
The Penguin platform is simple

Extremism in defense of vice
Moderation in pursuit of virtue

My friends, the Penguin
Party stands for mother...

country...

the flag...

It's such a pleasure to hear plain,
honest talk from a candidate...

instead of the usual
political mumbo jumbo.

And class!

Holy giveaways, Batman.

No wonder we couldn't
get anyone at our rally.

Penguin was serving free
champagne down the block.

To each his own, Robin.

Penguin depends upon
the cynicism of the people...

while I depend on
their good judgment.

Let's just hope that I'm right.

What's on our agenda
for the rest of the day?

You're scheduled to address two
fraternal orders and a women's garden club.

Which is first?

The Grand Order of
Occidental Nighthawks.

They called and asked you
to speak to the members.

The Grand Order of
Occidental Nighthawks...

I wonder if there's any particular
significance to that name.

After all, there's more to Penguin's
caper than just running for mayor.

If he wins, he'll bleed
Gotham City dry.

The Grand Order of
Occidental Nighthawks.

Wanna feed it to the Bat
Analyzer and see what we get?

That won't be necessary, Robin.

G-O-O-N.

Welcome, Batman, to the Grand
Order of Occidental Nighthawks.

Thank you. It's always a
pleasure to talk to the voters.

Our members can hardly wait.

Those faces look
awfully familiar, Batman.

You're right, Robin.

I recognize three of them from
the Gotham City police files.

- I smell a rat.
- Two rats, Boy Wonder.

Can you guess who the cats are?

All right, Batman. Enough
with the fancy umbrella play.

Since you're so eager to discuss the
weighty issues in the campaign, Batman...

we've fixed up a
little surprise for you.

Well, Batman, it looks like the
Penguin put the election on ice, huh?

What's going on here?

This is outrageous.

How dare you thr*aten the
life of a political candidate?

That's an outrage, I say.

Oh. An outrage.

Look at that. As
the ice melts...

Batman and Robin will sink
lower and lower into this vat.

It's a vat of sulfuric acid.
Ooh. How horrendous.

I intend to summon the
police this very instant.

Uh... Oh, dear me.

I seem to have run out of dimes.

Quack! How tragic.

Well, don't fear, Batman.

I shall run to the
police station myself.

If I hurry, I should be there in three
or four hours at the most, hmm?

I am off and running.

Citizen Penguin to the rescue.