02x21 - The Impractical Joker

[bunniefuu]

Another bright, brisk
morning in Gotham City.

For such a bustling metropolis, the
day seems to have begun quite normally.

But wait, do we sense
something slightly off-key?

Here in the Keyborn
Bookstore perhaps?

Or in the Keynote Music Shop?

Or even in the
sacred precincts...

of the ultra-conservative
Gotham City Key Club?

Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor...

stately home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, d*ck Grayson...

All right, take it from the top, d*ck.
Ahem. Besides its famous apes...

and the part it's always played in history,
the Rock of Gibraltar is also famous for...?

- It's the key to the Mediterranean.
- Aha.

Right, d*ck.

You might make that the
keynote of your geography paper.

- A headache, Bruce?
- No, no, just a bit weary.

But thanks to the brief
respite from crime-fighting...

which we seem to be enjoying,
my energies will be quickly restored.

What?

Upside down?

Pointing the wrong way?

Hmm. We'll get right on it.

That was the manager
of the Keystone Building.

Someone has been playing
havoc with the big sign identifying it.

Probably the work of some
prankster, heh, or some joker.

Jo... Of course, Chief O'Hara.

Who else but that malevolent mischief-maker
could be taunting us again...

with his capricious capers?

You still don't think we should
call the Caped Crusader?

When books, records and
files are involved, Chief O'Hara...

I think that we should try to
tackle the problem ourselves...

but when it comes to tampering
with the buildings of our fine city...

we have no other choice.

I think I found it, Bruce.

I'm afraid you spoke too soon,
sir. Let me answer it for you.

I can always think
up a bit of a taradiddle.

No, Alfred, if the commissioner needs us, this
is no time for a white lie, even the smallest.

- Yes, commissioner?
- I'm afraid it's the Joker again, Batman.

We'll be right there.

To the Batpoles.

We're having the locks
replaced in this building.

And when the new keys arrived
today, this was in with them.

- Holy vertebra.
- Indeed.

A macabre little opener.

Read the attached note.

"Latched or mastered,
skeletoned or passed...

spot the Scot before
you're outclassed."

Latched or mastered?

I suspect he used the past
tense to further confuse us, Robin.

Latch, master, pass, skeleton.

They're all terms
which refer to keys.

Like the Key Club or
the Keystone Building.

Some seventh sense tells
me that this particular Scot...

is billionaire Angus Ferguson...

the famous Scottish collector
who's currently visiting our fair city.

Just what I was thinking, Batman,
now that you, uh, reminded me.

Obviously there is
a connection here.

Mr. Ferguson is having a private showing
today of his fabulous collection of keys.

How can anyone have a
fabulous collection of keys?

There are some famous
keys in the world, Robin.

Of which Angus Ferguson has
either the original or an exact replica...

including the pièce de
résistance of his current show...

the famous Jeweled
Key of Kaincardine...

handed down through the ages
from one Scottish ruler to another.

Hmm. Holy key ring.
Where is this showing?

At his private suite
at Gotham Towers.

We have as many of our men
posted there as we can spare...

but, ha, ha, if this
note is from the Joker...

I suggest we take a look...

at Ferguson's fabulous
collection of keys.

Ah. This should do it.

Ah. Ah!

At last, success beyond
even my wildest dreams.

Success, Joker, because you can turn
an itsy-bitsy key in an itsy-bitsy box?

Glad you could tear yourself away from
that mirror for one minute, Cornelia...

to admire my latest triumph.

This box, and particularly
this key I've just made...

could be the downfall of those
audacious adversaries, Batman and Robin...

and give me free reign to
pursue my cunning career. Ha, ha!

- How did you make the box, Joker?
- Oh, out of bits and pieces, lads.

Odds and ends, cheese paddings,
lightning bugs, cockroach shells...

all combined with my talents
in other fields, of course. Ha, ha.

But enough of this chitchat.

I am off to make
my first experiment.

And when I return, I suspect I will not
only have confounded the Dynamic Duo...

but I will have in my possession
the Jeweled Key of Kaincardine.

- The what?
- Ho-ho-ho.

The diamonds with which it is encrusted
are worth a king's ransom, Cornelia.

Not to mention the rubies in its
loop, the emeralds in its stem...

the sapphires in its collar,
and the fire opals in its bit.

Ah. It's so good.

Aye.

The Caped Crusader
and the Boy Wonder.

Well, it's good
to have you here.

Help yourself to
a doch-an-dorris.

It's a breath of heather
from me brewster, my golly.

Thank you, Mr. Ferguson,
but we'd just like to browse a bit.

Browse, aye, browse. Browse
to the content of your stout heart.

What's a doch-an-dorris?

Gaelic for stirrup cup, Robin.

- A drink usually taken on parting.
- You think he wants to get rid of us?

I think we should try to act as
casual as possible, old chum.

Hmm.

A rare acquisition.

"The key to the Bastille cell block in which
the man in the iron mask was imprisoned."

How could Mr. Ferguson
have gotten that?

A golden key opens
every lock, Robin.

Shall we?

Holy keyhole.

If there's any dirty work afoot, you can
be sure this key is the hoped-for target.

It must be worth a fortune.

More than a fortune, Boy Wonder.

It's priceless.

And you're right, Batman, my target
is the Jeweled Key of Kaincardine.

Which, luckily, we will
prevent you from obtaining.

Ho-ho! I wonder, Caped Crusader.

I anticipated your
presence here today.

And I believe my newest
invention will render you helpless...

while I transfer ownership
of the priceless jeweled key.

- Are you all right, Robin?
- I think so, Batman. What happened?

- I'm not sure.
- Look, it's gone.

It certainly is gone.

It most certainly is gone.

And if that key is nay
found and returned at once...

I'll sue this city for $8,000,523
and a threepenny bit.

- But, Mr. Ferguson...
- The charge will be grand larceny.

You'll hear from my law agent
because you can say "Jack McRobinson."

And you, you two muttonheads, after
I offered you a wee doch-an-dorris...

Gotham City still holds you
in great esteem, Dynamic Duo.

The word, uh, "muttonheads"
was most unfortunate.

It was right.

We were standing in that alcove while
the Joker made off with the jeweled key.

It's hard to explain.

What did happen, Batman?

He had some kind of
contraption, a small box with a key.

Which sparked and hummed.

He said it would render us helpless
while he pulled off the robbery.

And it did.

Although, I don't
know exactly how yet.

If this device could do that
to the two of you, think...

I have thought, commissioner.

The theft of the Jeweled
Key of Kaincardine...

is only secondary.

There are many devious tricks
up that crafty clown's sleeve.

He must be stopped...

before he makes a laughing
stock, not only of Robin and me...

your fine department...

but all of Gotham City.

And in conclusion, let me repeat
the hope that Batman and Robin...

were in no way helping the Joker
steal the Jeweled Key of Kaincardine...

from Mr. Ferguson's
collection today...

just because the Dynamic
Duo stood by ineffectively.

Ineffectively?

What an unpleasant innuendo.

There is a rumor around Gotham City tonight
that the Joker has some new invention...

against which the Caped Crusader
and the Boy Wonder are powerless.

Enough of rumors.

It's about time for
The Green Hornet.

You're right, Bruce.

Citizens of Gotham
City, this is the Joker.

Coming to you through your key station
via my high-powered jamming system...

and particularly addressing
Batman, wherever you are.

Foiled, failed, frustrated and so defenseless,
I'll even give you a clue to my next crime.

Don't give a hoot for the hobnailed,
but look for a bow and a bobtail.

Joker is in one of his more generous
moods providing us with clues.

Let's provide him
with a little action.

To the Batpoles.

In his strange and
evil way, Robin...

the Joker sometimes exhibits
a bit of twisted honesty.

I think we can ignore the first
half of the clue as he suggested...

and concentrate on "look
for a bow and bobtails."

What do you mean, "twisted honesty"?
He's trying to stomp us, isn't he?

Let's say he wants us to take
his tricky bait the hard way.

Like we did today.

I think I have the
solution to that too, Robin.

When he was younger, the
Joker was a well-known hypnotist.

- Holy mesmerism.
- Exactly.

Catching us off-guard...

and using that ingenious box
and key as a temporary diversion...

he momentarily
had us in his power.

But that's water under the bridge.
Now, "look for a bow and bobtails." A bow.

Bow nut, bowline, bowlegs,
Bo Peep... Rainbow?

No, I suspect there
is some other key t...

Key.

Of course. The loop of a key.

The handle is also called a bow.

Now, bobtails.

Bobtailed horse,
bobtailed drawbridge.

Bobtailed flush in
poker, bobtailed lynx.

Lynx? Cufflinks? A golf course?

L-Y-N-X.

A bobtailed species of wild cat with
a valuable fur varying in color of...

That's it, Robin.

And the way he emphasized "foiled,
failed, frustrated and defenseless."

Sure, Batman.

He must have the key to
Franchin's Fancy Fur Salon. Let's go.

One moment, Robin.

This requires
unusual precaution.

Oh, I know diamonds are
supposed to be a girl's best friend...

but I could get real chummy
with some mink or ermine.

Oh, I'll take three or four of
these and a couple of gorillas.

I think you mean
chinchilla, Cornelia.

One of the rarest
and most costly of furs.

Oh, well, that's
exactly what I mean.

Aren't you afraid we'll get caught
in a place like this, this time of night?

Ha. With my duplicate key
to the manager's office...

we came through
his private entrance.

Which has no burglar alarm.

And Latch and Bolt are
in the front hall, on guard.

Ho-ho! With two
recruits. Ha, ha!

But what about the clue
you broadcast to Batman?

Aha. Precisely why I
brought my little magic box.

I'm looking forward to
giving Batman and Robin...

another taste of
its unique power.

- This time the joke's going to be on the Joker.
- So let's get the jump on him.

Ooh! Ho-ho-ho!

Good evening, friends.

Something's wrong.
The key must be broken.

It's not the key to that box that's broken,
Joker, it's your hypnotic power over us.

Well, it worked before.

This time we took our counter-hypnosis
Bat-pellets from our Bat-capsule dispensary.

Latch, Bolt, everybody!

Nothing but some
wires and a little battery.

Exactly, Robin.

We didn't give him
time to induce hypnosis.

But as I've said, that monstrous
mountebank is full of mad maneuvers.

Would you like me to bring
down some breakfast, sir?

The human body can only go so long
without proper food, drink and sleep.

It's only been
one night, Alfred.

And we have to trap
the Joker once and for all.

If I might suggest
a thought, sir?

Oh, please, do.

It struck me that recently most of his
messages have involved twists on words.

Wordplays on keys, particularly.

Now, if in his private life...

Precisely the course
we've been pursuing, Alfred.

Robin, what have
you come up with?

Keyboard, key bugle,
key fruit, keynote address...

key signature, Keystone State.

Uh, by "private life," I
meant a change of identity.

Possibly an assumed name.

- Holy pseudonym.
- Of course, Alfred, why didn't we think of that?

Would you mind handing
me the telephone directory?

- Here you are, sir.
- Thank you.

I programmed a Batcomputer feedback
circuit to isolate key name metaphors...

in the greater Gotham
City telephone directory.

It's gotta be one of these.

Mrs. Carrie B. Keypin.

No, I don't think he'd be
masquerading as a woman.

- The Locker Room?
- An English grill I occasionally frequent.

Superb suet pudding.

Louie Latch?

What about this
one? Clavier Ankh.

- Clavier Ankh? What kind of a name is that?
- A very revealing name, Robin.

The clavier is the
keyboard of an organ.

An ankh is a sacred Egyptian
cross symbolizing the key of life.

Gosh, Batman.

And the address.

"Number 1, Dugan Alley."

That's worthy of note.

- It's a cool pad, Joker.
- Ha.

All you've seen of this cool pad, Cornelia,
is that mirror. Vanity is a waste of time.

I never look at myself.

Well, I'm younger,
Joker, and a girl.

And it is a cool pad.

Well, it will do
for the purpose.

Do you think Batman's
smart enough to find it?

Oh, he's an adversary
almost worthy of me, Cornelia...

but soon will only be
the skeleton of one.

And sooner than I planned, in
fact. There's the Batmobile now.

The Dynamic Duo are
somewhat unorthodox, Cornelia.

No doubt they'll come up the
outside wall. You know what to do.

And Latch and Bolt
are waiting to help...

while Uncle Clavier double-checks
his Human Key Duplicator.

You mean a real live one?

Uh, you'll see, Cornelia.

Oh, at last the end of
Batman and Robin is in sight.

And I can start planning the
craftiest caper of my career.

Your, uh, daily workout, Batman?

Yes. Crime-fighters
have to stay in shape.

- But you know that.
- Well, my job is a little easier.

Sometimes a fast g*n has
the edge on a fast Bat-rope.

I'm not invading your territory. I'm
just tracking down a clue incognito.

Welcome and good luck.

If you need help, locate us through
Commissioner Gordon's office.

The Batphone number is unlisted.

Smart thinking.

Don't slip.

Brave men, Jim.

You startled me.

I'm sorry, young lady.

We're here to pay Mr. Clavier
Ankh a little unexpected visit.

This is his apartment, isn't it?

Uncle Clavier is
in the, uh, library.

May I ask who's calling?

Batman and Robin.

Oh, yes.

This way, please.

Girl from the fur salon.

I'm afraid this could
be a trap, Batman.

He who knows how to fear, Robin,
knows how to proceed with safety.

A translation from the Latin.

Maybe I should have told
you, the library is in the cellar.

To make this Human
Key Duplicator...

I also made some brilliant
changes and innovations.

But I'm sure you understand
the basic principles, Batman.

You are in this vise.

A duplicate blank
key is in this vise.

And when I activate the motor
and the vises start turning...

that cutting blade will do
its grooviest work on you.

You monster.

A grown man like me should be
prepared to meet his maker at any time...

but not a boy like Robin.

What diabolical plan
do you have for him?

First a wax spray job.

Somewhat similar to what you get
when you have the Batmobile washed.

It takes a week or so for
the wax to harden properly.

Until then, who knows?

A notched key for a lock
with many wards, hmm?

Do I have to watch all this,
Joker? The reflection is icky.

Oh, not if it makes you
squeamish, Cornelia.

All right, to the Wax Spray
Chamber for the Boy Wonder.

Start with a light spray.

When every pore in his body is filled
with wax, we'll apply a heavier coating.

Let's get the skeletonizing process over
with, Batman, while you're all keyed up.

Have you a last
word for posterity?

Only this, Joker.

Evil sometimes triumphs
temporarily, but never conquers.

If I have time, Batman, I'll see that that
is properly engraved on your tombstone.

In the meantime...