02x22 - The Joker's Provokers

[bunniefuu]

When last we saw
the Dynamic Duo...

Robin was in for a wax job.

And Batman was about to be skeletonized
by the Joker's Human Key Duplicator.

Sad to say, nothing has changed.

Sorry to leave you, Batman,
at this key point in your life...

but I have other more
important things to tend to...

than my humdrum
locksmith activities. Heh-heh.

The actual skeletonizing
process will begin shortly.

When it's over, and the Boy
Wonder is properly waxed...

let me know.

Turn the spray on full.

This joke of the Joker's don't strike me
as being funny. What if we get caught?

We won't, Latch.

Think of all we owe the Joker,
the fine things he's done for us.

Sneaking those
files into the prison...

dumping our parole officer
in the Gotham River...

kidnapping that entire jury and
holding the judge's wife as hostage.

He's been a real friend.

You're right, Bolt.

There should be more fine,
upstanding men like the Joker.

Look, a living Bat skeleton.

I am not one given to
trite sayings, Robin...

but I'd say I got you out of that
Spray Wax Chamber in the nick of time.

Thanks to those underwater swimming lessons
I could've held my breath a while longer.

How did you get out of that
fiendish Key Duplicator, Batman?

I jammed the machinery
with a simple house key...

that I carry in my utility
belt in case we're locked out.

When the cutting blade retracted,
device automatically opened.

The Joker was none
too sophisticated...

with his brilliant
changes and innovations.

A good lesson, Robin:
always carry an extra key.

I'd say you were both
lucky to be still alive.

And stupid to have walked
into that trap in the first place.

Without danger, the game grows
cold. Little is gained without risk.

True, indeed, sir.

Now, uh, if I may
be permitted...

Mrs. Cooper has invited
her whist group to lunch.

- I promised I'd serve it punctually at 1, sir.
- Of course, Alfred.

Anyway, at least we know where
the Joker's hideout is, Batman.

I hardly think that Mr. Clavier
Ankh and his crafty cohorts...

will be found at
that address, Robin.

What do we do?

Like Mohammed, we must wait
until the mountain comes to us again.

Still alive? How can they be?

Well, Batman
is, that's for sure.

Oh, well, I might as well
be philosophical about it.

Regardless of how clever
the Dynamic Duo are...

their hours are measured.

In fact, I'm measuring them
right now with this time machine.

I found a wrinkle.

Ah. You're worried
about wrinkles, Cornelia...

when I have just rebuilt
and refined my magic box...

so that when I turn this key...

I can turn time either
backward or forward...

or stop it completely. Ha-ha-ha!

- Will your gadget work anyplace, boss?
- Anyplace and on anything or anybody.

For instance, somewhere
in Gotham City right now...

the sidewalks are crowded...

and the traffic is busy.

Now, see what happens
when I turn this key...

and time moves a bit faster.

And faster...

and faster...

and faster.

Then if I stop time...

and start it again,
very slowly...

or even move it
backwards slowly.

Let's try the Gotham Airport...

or the Gotham Ballpark...

or the handsome residence
of millionaire Bruce Wayne.

You know, I never go
inside Bruce's study.

But as long as I'm taking you girls
on a tour of the house, we'll just...

Or even Commissioner
Gordon's office. Heh-heh.

Ha, ha!

- Don't stop now, boss.
- Yeah, try it on Batman and Robin.

That's what I plan to do.

But I want to meet
them face-to-face.

I want to see the results
myself. Heh-heh-heh.

Did you make this one out of cheese
parings and lightning bugs too, Joker?

Uh, no, Cornelia.

My newest triumph is composed
of much more complicated parts:

human frailties, the
power of mass suggestion...

catalytic agents,
unexplained phenomena.

Gee, all that in one box, boss?

Plus two added
components, Latch.

- A pellet and a pond.
- A what and a which?

Ingredients which must remain
secret for the nuns, Cornelia.

But they did their
work today. Ha-ha-ha!

What's next, boss?

Next, Bolt, to stop time
throughout Gotham City...

unless the city fathers
meet my demands.

You're so forceful when you
demand things from fathers, Joker.

- What is it this time?
- A mere $10 million, Cornelia.

Ha-ha-ha! But first a
moment to catch my breath.

While another message I sent is
being delivered about the time...

I imagine the Dynamic Duo
are getting an emergency call.

Yes, commissioner.

I would've phoned you sooner,
but I had nothing to report.

Well, I have something
to report, Batman.

Our beloved metropolis seems
to be in the grip of a strange spell.

Someone, and we suspect the Joker again,
is playing a devious trick with time...

turning it backward,
forward, faster, slower.

Sounds like he's improved
on that magic box of his.

Which could spell disaster.

And there's an envelope
for you here, Batman.

It's shaped in
the form of a key.

Better open it and read me the
message. Time may be of the essence.

We can't afford to be wrong
about this message, Robin.

That's just the way Commissioner
Gordon read it over the phone.

"Thanks to the work of a single sphere,
you saw what happened to time right here."

I just may be onto something.

"Now, regard with
care, my final O-HO."

"O-HO."

What does "O-HO"
mean to you, Robin?

Well, it's a word composed
of two O's and one H.

- Mm-hmm.
- Holy hydraulics.

H2O, the chemical
symbol for water.

I am onto something.
Now, the last line.

"I've a gargoyle's key...

and away I go-go."

Can you figure out those
two words: "gargoyle's key"?

I know gargoyles are
grotesque figures...

that decorate some of
Europe's old churches.

I see. And their
original functions...

their meanings, Robin,
were water spouts...

drains, funnels, throughways...

Then a gargoyle's key could
also be the key to a waterworks.

Yes, and that all ties
into the first sentence.

"Thanks to the work
of a single sphere."

"Sphere." A ball is a sphere.

A marble...

a pebble, pill.

A pill.

The Joker could have gotten
the key to the waterworks...

and polluted
Gotham City's water.

I've heard that a character
resembling the Joker...

was seen by a waterworks guard near
the storage reservoir a night or so ago.

- Holy floodgate.
- Yes, Robin.

He may have started
his job with one pill.

And now he's off
to finish that job.

As insidious a scheme
as could be imagined.

Extortion via time.

- We better get to the waterworks.
- If I may, sir?

I didn't want to interrupt,
but I heard the whole thing.

And I just can't let you and
Master Robin run the risk really, sir.

- Let me go.
- You, Alfred?

Yes. Mrs. Cooper's whist group
left and she's gone to the theater.

In an hour, it will be dark, I shall have no
difficulty in getting into the waterworks.

My cousin Egbert is
night watchman there.

Remember Eggie, sir?

As president of the Water
Commission, you helped him get his job.

Now, it's more than likely that he's
the man who saw the Joker and...

I seldom ask a favor,
sir, but I do ask this one.

You see, I'd like to feel that
I'm not only contributing my bit.

I like to feel that I'm
part of the team, sir.

- Well spoken, Alfred.
- Of course, you're part of the team.

Then you will, sir, let me
replace you in this crafty charade?

Not exactly replace us, Alfred.

But it might not
be a bad idea...

for you to replace your
cousin in the security room.

That way, Robin and I could
stake out the storage reservoir...

and be nearby and on the alert.

Hoping you'd say that, sir.

I, uh, brought my wheels, for
want of a better word, with me...

and with no intention
of infringement, sir...

I call it my Alf-Cycle.

I have my Two-way Alf-radio
between the handlebars.

And, uh, I took the liberty of
making the necessary adjustments...

on the Batmobile unit.

Good thinking, Alfred.

Well, arrivederci.

- Me, Egbert?
- Yeah, you.

I should've made you stay
out at the visitor's vestibule.

We got a rule around here.

Nobody allowed in this room
except the authorized personnel.

That means me.

Who knows but that
some misguided soul...

might try to slip in and
pollute the city's water supply.

Yeah. The other night,
I caught some joker...

in the storage reservoir
and threw him out.

A wise move indeed.

But I'm not here to upset security,
Eggie, I'm here to relieve you.

Millionaire Bruce Wayne, for
whom, as you know, I butle...

and a very influential
gentleman with city government...

fears you may be overworked.

He ain't just talking.

He suggested that I replace
you on your shift tonight...

and, uh, give you
a bit of a breather.

I sure could use it.

And I know just the bit.

Bubbles LaBlue at The Follies.

That chick swings like
a king's playground.

We're just about
the same size, Eggie.

I'm sure your
uniform would fit me.

Yeah, take off them specs,
and we do look a little alike.

Next guard comes
on duty at 4 a.m.

Can't see too good.

Play it straight and
he'll think you's me.

Don't worry, Eggie. Any
particular instructions?

Ah. All the watchmen has
to do on this job is watch.

Now, that ain't too hard.

If you should happen to run into
Tassles LaVerne at The Follies...

say hello to her from me.

What am I doing here, Joker?

A vent shaft in the waterworks?

I wanted you here
on the k*ll, Cornelia.

This little caper is my
Tr*mp card, my coup d'état.

Got something to do with
your box and key, Joker?

And the b*ll*ts and the
palms, or whatever you said?

Ah, pellets and pond, Cornelia.

More simply, these pills...

- and these waterworks.
- Those are pills?

Oh, the chemist was in a whimsical
mood when he filled the prescription.

But by dissolving my key-shaped
capsule in the main reservoir...

and then resorting to the
powers of my magic box and key...

I shall forever control the
matter of time in Gotham City...

and thus my odious
adversaries, the Dynamic Duo.

Don't forget those fathers,
Joker, and all that mere dough.

Oh. Never fear, Cornelia.

If you're gonna toss pills in water,
why don't we climb over the fence?

Too dangerous, Bolt.

Very tight security in here.

Except for that guard in
there. He can be bought.

Who wants to buy
an old goat like that?

Oh, Cornelia, he's on the take.

Fixable. Oh.

This grill lifts easily.

Latch, Bolt.

Careful now.

Quietly, quietly.

Who goes there? I mean, here?

Oh, good evening, friend.
You were sleeping so soundly...

I hoped not to disturb you.

How did you get in
here? See that notice?

We got a rule around here.

I know, but you were so
courteous to me the other evening...

near the storage reservoir.

Courteous, sir? I threw you out.

Uh, the old fellow
seems a bit befuddled.

Oh, this might
help you recollect.

Add it to the fiver I
gave you last time.

Eggie. Bribed.

What?

I got a frog kicking
around my tonsils.

Well, a cup of nice fresh
water should fix that.

There you are.

I hate to drink alone.

Oh, I'll join you, Daddy-o.

There are no mirrors around
here. No mirrors make me thirsty.

- No, no, Cornelia.
- You heard the lady, give her a drink.

And give that shifty-looking
stooge one and that greasy goon.

While you're at it,
have a big slug on me.

- Oh...
- Ay-yi-yi.

I ain't just talking, brother.

Now drink.

And now I'll take
that box of yours.

- No.
- Come on, hand it over.

This iron box, real b*ll*ts?

Hurry. Come on.

Well, Joker, I guess
this is the end of you...

and your gargoyle's key.

Gargoyle's key?

You're no security guard.

You must be working
with Batman and Robin.

Come on, Daddy-o, give little
old Cornelia that silly old box.

Mommy.

My word. A bit too much.

Ah.

A truly remarkable contraption.

Stay right there.

Batman. Batman.

- Alfred here. BATMAN:
I read you, over.

The Joker and his cohorts
are, so to speak, on ice.

At least I've managed
to freeze them in time...

with the help of his
unique invention.

Good going, Alfred.
We'll be right there.

Thank you, sir.

What happened, boss?

Obviously the stupid fool
removed the key from my magic box.

Let's get him before he
discovers his mistake.

All right, hand over that box.

I said, give me that box!

Just a moment, Joker. You
needn't be so vociferous.

My hearing is unimpaired.

Vociferous? Unimpaired? Ha!

Now I know you're
no security guard.

Jumping to another
conclusion, Joker?

Get the box from the old
geezer. It's my last chance.

You said you wanted me on the
k*ll, I didn't know you were this serious.

Your little game is over, Joker.

Robin, take him to the Batmobile
while I clean up the rest of this debris.

Right. If you wanna
pollute any more water...

you'll find plenty where
you're going, up the river.

I hate to bother
you, young man...

but I was returning home from town and I
ran out of gas a little way down the road.

Uh... Alfred.

- What are you doing here in that getup?
- Huh?

I'm Mrs. Harriet Cooper
of stately Wayne Manor...

and you're our butler, Alfred.

Sorry, baby. My name's Eggie.

I'm the night security man.

Well, the resemblance
is absolutely uncanny.

Anyway, may I use
your phone to call a cab?

Phone? Oh, yes, yes. Here, here.

- Come in, sugar. On the wall there.
- Thank you.

If I can just find a dime now.

- We brought you a midnight snack...
- Shh.

Batman and Robin.

Good evening, Mrs. Cooper.

What a strange
place to find you.

Well, I was just
telling this gentleman...

who looks exactly
like the Wayne butler...

that I ran out of gas about
a block down the road and...

We always carry an extra
supply in the Batmobile. Robin?

- This way, Mrs. Cooper.
- Oh, thank you, Batman.

The spitting image.

Phew. That was
a close shave, sir.

But you handled it with
your usual finesse, Alfred.

At least that mischief
maker and his mangy militia...

- won't be bothering us for some time.
- Excellent, sir.

But one thing concerns me.

He still has some of those
gargoyle keys in his possession.

No, no, he was relieved of them.

And we received the lab report.
Somehow he'd concocted a drug...

which produced a mass hallucinatory
effect when dissolved in water...

and activated by some key force.

- The key to the magic box? But how?
- Ah.

How could it have turned
time backwards, forwards...

faster and slower?

How little do we
know of time, Alfred.

A one-syllable word, a noun...

yesterday's laughter,
tomorrow's tears...