02x24 - Marsha's Scheme of Diamonds

[bunniefuu]

When last we saw
the Caped Crusader...

he was at the altar
about to be married...

to the diabolical Marsha,
Queen of Diamonds.

Only the words "I do"...

stand between him and
the bonds of wedlock.

I...

I...

Say "I do."

Stop the wedding.

This is no time for
pranks, my good man.

We are in the midst
of a sacred ceremony.

I assure you, sir,
this is no prank.

Who are you?

Ethelbert Soames,
solicitor at law...

with the firm of Soames,
Stillwell and Thistlewaite...

Liverpool, England. My card.

My card. My card.

- What has this to do with the wedding?
- Allow me to present my client.

Formerly Miss Henrietta Tillitson of
Morton in the Marsh, Gloucestershire.

What do you mean "formerly"?

I mean that for the last seven
years, she has been Mrs. Batman.

Mrs. Batman?

Yes. If you'd care to examine
the wedding certificate.

Duly attested by the registrar
at Morton in the Marsh...

and, uh, dated seven years ago.

Why didn't you tell
me about this, Batman?

- Eh, uh... It slipped my mind.
- Slipped your mind, indeed.

I am not in the practice
of marrying bigamists.

Why, you two-timing Batfink!

How dare you leave a poor,
defenseless girl waiting at the altar?

Not poor, I hope, madam.

We are instituting a
lawsuit for $1 million...

for the alienation of
the husband's affections.

Ah! Let's get out of here.

Mrs. Cooper.

Why, I wasn't sure you'd
remember me, Batman.

Of course I remember you. I've
always treasured our brief meetings.

And I certainly wanna thank you
for the help you gave me here today.

Oh, I'm glad.

I was afraid you'd be angry with us
for stretching the truth the way we did.

Not under the
circumstances, believe me.

If we can be of any
further service, sir.

- As a matter of fact, Mr...
- Alfred will do, sir.

As a matter of
fact, Alfred, yes.

Robin is out of commission, I'd appreciate it
if you would accompany me in the Batmobile.

Certainly, sir. I've always wanted
to ride in that ingenious vehicle.

Good. Again my
thanks, Mrs. Cooper.

You were truly superb.

Oh, Bruce will never
believe it when I tell him.

We'll have to get to
Robin as soon as possible.

We'll have to drive it as it is.

Anticipating an emergency, sir, I've
brought along a kit of Bat Antidotes.

Good thinking, Alfred.

Incidentally, I forged the marriage
certificate on the Bat Printer.

A remarkable invention
of yours, if I may say so.

Yes, it did the job this time.

The sleep potion I gave before
the wedding is still in effect.

Good. Pump another potion
into Boy Wonder there...

and he'll worship me forever.

Then I'll make him lead me to the
Batcave, and the Bat Diamond will be mine.

Hurry, hurry! Before that Bat
Bigamist partner of his shows up.

Yes, Your Highness.

Where are my Guardians?

They were held up in
traffic, Your Highness.

Forget the Boy
Wonder. Out this door.

Never mind about them,
Alfred. Our first concern is Robin.

Quickly! The Bat Antidotes.

We'll use the general all-purpose Bat
Antidote and hope that it takes effect.

Robin. Robin.

It looks like it's
working, Alfred.

What happened, Batman?
How did I get in here?

It's a long story,
Robin. I'll explain later.

Alfred, give Chief O'Hara and the
commissioner each one of those tablets.

- Tell the commissioner to meet me at the office.
- Yes, sir.

- Think you can make it, Robin?
- I think so.

- I feel woozy.
- I know.

We'll take you to the Batcave
where you can get some rest.

And we can try to deduce the
Queen of Diamonds' next move.

She'll stop at nothing to get
her hands on the Bat Diamond.

Can't an old lady take a
bath without being interrupted?

Your potion failed,
darling. Miserably.

A good hot bath does
wonders for the arthritis.

Please, darling, pay attention
when I'm talking to you.

What is it, deary? The potion?

Oh, yes. Well, I
knew it wouldn't work.

Those newts I've been getting
lately are very poor quality.

Well, you're going to have
to think of something else.

I have to get
inside that Batcave.

I've been in dozens of bat
caves, deary. They're very dull.

This is a very special Batcave.

Take it from me, when you've seen
one bat cave, you've seen them all.

Suppose you let
me worry about that.

You're going to have to think of something
to put those caped clowns in my power.

Oh, all right, darling. All right. Fetch
me my recipe book. It's over there.

Is this the one?

Is there a buzzard's
tongue lying next to it?

Yes. Ew.

Then that's the one, deary.

Ah. How about a potion
to make them vanish?

No, no, no, darling.

I want them to lead me to the
Batcave and the Bat Diamond.

Just put them in my power.

Here's a nice little potion
that turns them into tigers.

Too large, darling.

Mosquitoes?

- Too small, darling.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Here's an old potion I
haven't used in years.

It turns them into
nice fuzzy little rabbits.

That's the one.

Unless, of course, they
have type-O blood...

in which case it turns them
into giant boa constrictors.

Find another potion, darling.

The Bat Diamond.

What about it, Robin?

To think it's the cause
of all this trouble.

People call it many
different things, old chum.

Passion, lust, desire, avarice.

But the simplest and most
understandable word is "greed."

Why would Marsha want that
particular diamond? She can't wear it.

You can't wear Michelangelos.

You can't wear vintage
cars or old stamps or coins.

But to certain collectors, they're
a way of life. In fact, life itself.

Cars and stamps and
coins I can understand.

But where would she find a place
to put that diamond of that size?

That's an academic question,
Robin. She's not going to get it.

Gosh, I hope not.

When you got me out of that bird
cage, you said it was a long story...

and you'd explain it
later. Just what happened?

To you? The same thing that
happened to me. A cupid's dart.

I felt it. But she said
it wasn't poisoned.

Probably not in the true
sense of the word "poison"...

but certainly it contained
some secret ingredient...

by which your sense and
your will were affected.

We were sh*t by the same type of
dart and it didn't affect you the same way.

Oh, it did, Robin. It did. I just called
on all my resources to combat it.

I called on all mine too, but all of a sudden,
there I was on my knees, worshiping her.

Oh, it's merely the difference
of a few years, old chum.

An older head can't be
put on younger shoulders.

Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara have
older heads, look what happened to them.

Yes, I know. It wasn't pretty.

But first things first.

If you're back in fighting form,
let's have a go at the Batcomputer.

Instead of Marsha
finding the Bat Diamond...

perhaps the Bat Diamond
can lead us to Marsha.

We know she's surrounded by diamonds,
and perhaps if we set the Batradar...

at the emanating
frequency of diamonds...

we could calculate the
reflection pattern of the diamonds.

Make them show up on the Batradar
screen and then figure out the coordinates.

Right.

All set, Batman.

What are the numbers?

Got it, Batman. The coordinates are
four, six, seven and nine, eight, one.

Four, six, seven.

Nine, eight, one. Elevation?

Holy stalactites, Batman.

The elevation is minus 80.

Minus 80.

- Just as I thought.
- Where is it?

Yes?

- It's good to hear your voice, commissioner.
- And yours, Batman.

If it hadn't been for you, the chief and I
would be singing love songs to that woman.

And if it hadn't been for that resourceful
citizen who saved me at the altar...

I'd be on my
honeymoon right now.

I'd like to send that wretched creature
on a honeymoon to state prison.

And I think I know where she is.

It wouldn't be that basement of
the building we were in, would it?

Why, yes. She made a remark
about visiting her aunt there.

But how could you possibly know?

Occasionally, we men come up
with a few tricks too, commissioner.

Robin and I are
on our way there.

Be careful, Batman. She
may be waiting for you.

Don't worry, commissioner.
We'll be ready for her.

There is no mystery
that man can't solve.

Be careful, Batman.

There are some mysteries
no man can solve.

As Batman said, if it hadn't been for
you, he'd be on his honeymoon right now.

The Caped Crusader is too kind.

After all, I only did what any citizen
of Gotham City would have done.

And lucky you did, sir.

Yes. Good thinking, and
very inventive, I might add.

Producing a past wife of
Batman's who never existed. Ha, ha.

Oh, but she very
definitely exists, sir.

Batman's ex-wife?

No, no, no. The lady who played the part,
sir. Mrs. Harriet Cooper, d*ck Grayson's aunt.

In fact, it was her idea. I'm
giving credit where credit is due.

Now I know where I've heard your voice
before. Aren't you Alfred, the Wayne butler?

Yes. Yes, sir, I am.

Well, Alfred, if I ever need a wife
on the spur of the moment, I'll know...

Begorra, I forgot.

Bonnie said that my wife
called when I was out...

and I haven't called her back.

The same with me, Chief O'Hara.

For the same reason,
Commissioner Gordon?

Well, being a wife, I'm sure she
wonders about my temporary absence...

from the office as
well as from home.

And being a husband,
what do you plan to tell her?

The truth. What else?

That you were hit
by a cupid's dart?

That you pleaded for the Queen
of Diamonds' love on your knees?

That you were locked
in a gilded cage?

It does sound rather
far-fetched, doesn't it?

Sure, and I couldn't have
made up such a story myself.

The wife never would believe it.

If I may interject a thought.

- Please do.
- Please do.

My experience with women has been that they
tend to believe what they want to believe.

So knowing you both to be conscientious
gentlemen and faithful husbands...

I'm sure that if you just tell both
your wives that you were involved...

in some special and, uh,
confidential assignment...

that will suffice.

Have you ever been married?

Eh... Well, no, no.

Alfred, at the risk of
sounding pompous...

experience with women
and experience with wives...

are two vastly different things.

Amen.

Well, we've all learned something
from this little escapade, have we not?

And now if you'll excuse me, I must be
getting back to my duties at Wayne Manor.

- Of course, Alfred, and thank you again.
- Commissioner. Chief O'Hara.

If you care to use my private
phone to call home, Chief O'Hara.

- After you, Commissioner Gordon.
- Oh, no, no, no, please. After you.

No, sir. No, sir. It's your office
and your phone. You go right ahead.

Are you sure this
potion will work, darling?

I think so, deary.

Of course there's always a certain
amount of luck in these things, you know.

Once, when I was a chemistry
professor at Vassar, I...

Darling, please, enough
of your academic past.

Let's concentrate
on the present.

Now, Batman and Robin have
already tripped the outer alarm.

They should be on their
way down here right now.

Ah. Our guinea
pigs have arrived.

Holy trolls and goblins.

Welcome, darlings. Welcome
to Aunt Hilda's little den.

- She has a surprise for you.
- Careful, Robin.

I'm sorry, Batman, but I'm afraid I
must turn you and Robin into mice.

- Mice?
- Mice?

Whee!

What is it, Batman?

I can't tell, Robin.

It seems harmless enough.

- You bumbling old hag, you failed again!
- That's no way to talk to an old lady.

You mind your own
business, Boy Wonder.

You're going to be in
enough trouble as it is.

Yes, Your Highness?

Dispatch them.

Yes, Your Highness.

A caldron of creeps, Batman.

Well put, Robin.

I'm sure this one will work.

It's guaranteed to
turn them into lizards.

You said the last one would have them
running around on the floor squeaking.

This time I'll add a little
more, just to make sure.

Missed again.

I don't know what's wrong.
Nothing seems to be working today.

This one has to work.
It's one of my best potions.

It better be, darling. My
Guardians are falling like ninepins.

Oh!

Another zero.

Playtime is over, darling.
Let the grownups take charge.

Diamond dozing gas, Batman.

Try not to breathe.

This is my most powerful
potion. It's never failed.

Like all the others?

I'll guarantee this will turn
them into a pair of toads.

I'll stake my reputation on it.

You haven't much to lose.

A pair of wriggling
little toads.

No word yet from Batman.

I... I'm getting worried, chief.

Me too, commissioner.

That felonious female is a
devilish customer, all right.

Batman and Robin can handle
any male criminal in Gotham City...

but when it comes to women...

When it comes to women,
Batman's the big loser, darling.

A very big loser.

What kind of trickery is this?

- Where are Batman and Robin?
- Right here.

Say hello to the
commissioner, Bat Toad.

The woman's gone daft.
She's taken leave of her senses.

I'm afraid it's true,
commissioner. We're right here.

She's got us.

Saints preserve us. The
whole world's come unhinged.

I'll take Circe.

Say something to Chief
O'Hara, Robin Toad.

Holy hors d'oeuvres, Chief
O'Hara. Keep that cat away from us.

Robin, you poor boy.

Commissioner, is it possible?

Chief, I just don't know.

But you remember what she did
to us with that love potion of hers.

She's diabolical, all right.

The Dynamic Duo a pair of toads?

Oh, what will become
of Gotham City now?

I don't know about
Gotham City, darlings...

but Batman and Robin
will become cat food...

unless I get my hands
on the Bat Diamond.

Oh. Batman...

what should we do?

Better do what she
says, commissioner.

Otherwise, Robin and I
will end up inside that fat cat.

Gosh, Batman, I'm
too young to be eaten.

Don't worry, Robin.

I'm sure Commissioner Gordon will
cooperate with the Queen of Diamonds.

But, Batman, I don't
know where the Batcave is.

That's right, Batman. Nobody
does but you and Robin.

I'm sure you could find out if
you use that darling red phone.

Should we do it, Batman?

Yes, commissioner.

- Oh, commissioner.
- Yes, Batman?

Never mind the phone.

- Who said that?
- Not me, Your Highness.

The real Batman
said it. Look over here.

The Dynamic Duo themselves.

Saints be praised.
You're not toads after all.

No, we're quite
human, Chief O'Hara.

But, Batman, how could those two
toads talk just like you and Robin?

Oh, darling, it was
a simple little prank.

- Some prank.
- The Queen of Diamonds was relying...

on the Grand Mogul's ability
as a ventriloquist to deceive you.

But, Batman, the Bat Toad talked in
your noble voice just a moment ago.

So it did.

You see, Batman knows a
trick or two about ventriloquism.

And a few tricks about
getting out of barred cells.

I was wondering how
you managed that, darling.

Thanks to the extraordinary
transmitting powers of the Bat Diamond...

which you've been after...

we were able to carry on some
long-distance computations in the Batcave.

After we wired the bars of the
cell to convert them to a radio aerial.

You see, the tumbler
lock on the cell door...

only had 3,724,521
possible combinations.

Child's play for
the Batcomputer.

That was very
clever of you, darling.

Take care of them.

Take care of them, I said.

- Pinned like a wriggling toad.
- So...

Well, I suppose this is the end
of my little romp, eh, darlings?

A one-to 10-year end, at least.

I just hope it's taught you that diamonds
aren't necessarily a girl's best friend, Marsha.

Oh, Batman, darling...

you are so divinely square.

Now, girls, after you've added
the baking powder and salt...

throw in a dash of ground
lizard to give it flavor.

Ground lizard?

Did I say ground lizard?
I meant garlic, of course.

Then a teaspoon-full of oregano.

All the time Aunt Hilda
was a frustrated cook.

Yes, I think she'll be much happier
with her recipes than with her potions.

I just hope she doesn’t
turn the students into toads.

Bruce, would you believe it if I
told you I had a wart on my thumb?

Yes, I'd believe it, d*ck.

But who else would?

Next week, Cliff Robertson as
Shame corrals the Caped Crusaders.