02x35 - The Contaminated Cowl

[bunniefuu]

Gotham City, like any other large
metropolis, abounds in the quaint shop...

the unique store.

And what could be a more bizarre
emporium than Bon Bon's Box Boutique?

Open early on this
sunny morning...

almost as if awaiting some
equally bizarre customers.

Well, good morning, gentlemen.

Something in empty boxes today?

We're looking for
some empty hat boxes.

A lot of empty hat boxes.

Well, you've really
come to the right place.

I have a collection of empty hat
boxes unparalleled in all of Gotham City.

Good, 700 of
these would be fine.

- Do you want them delivered?
- We'll take them with us.

Seven hundred hat boxes?

There are three of us.

Cash or charge?

That is of no concern
to me, madam...

as I don't intend to pay
for them in either case.

Oh.

Meanwhile behind the boxwood
hedges and boxing shutters...

of stately Wayne Manor...

And so, Professor Overbeck...

as head of the Wayne Foundation,
it gives me great pleasure...

to present to you this check...

which, in some small way, may
help you with your fine work...

at the Gotham City
Atomic Energy Laboratories.

Oh! Mr. Wayne, it gives me
great pleasure to accept this. Heh.

The Batphone, sir.

- Thank you, Alfred. I may need your help, d*ck.
- Sure, Bruce.

Now, if you'll excuse me, professor,
I have some other matters...

connected with the foundation.

But of course, Mr. Wayne.

It will give me a moment
with this charming lady...

to thank her for the
delightful luncheon.

You know, you know, Mrs.
Cooper, I really mean it.

You have a certain
way with a strudel.

Stole 700 hat boxes from
Bon Bon's Box Boutique?

There's little doubt about
the culprit's identity, Batman.

Warden Crichton tells me the convicts
were enjoying a softball game last week...

and the Mad Hatter stole home and kept
right on going in Warden Crichton's cap.

The warden was acting as umpire.

Keep calm, commissioner.
We'll be right there.

To the Batpoles.

Atomic batteries to power.

Turbines to speed.

Roger. Ready to move out.

So I'd say it's following the old
familiar pattern of the Mad Hatter.

- But he hasn't stolen any hats.
- One hat, Robin.

Or rather a cap belonging
to Warden Crichton...

along with home plate
at the penitentiary.

Which they found between the prison's
baseball diamond and the tennis courts.

Sometimes I wonder...

if the warden's rehabilitation
program isn't getting out of hand.

And of course there
were the 700 hat boxes...

along with the att*ck on the
proprietress of the Box Boutique.

Sure, and that all adds
up to at least a little larceny.

That adds up to serious
trouble, Chief O'Hara.

Who knows what
disaster lies ahead...

when a man of the Mad Hatter's twisted
tendencies is loose in Gotham City?

And who knows what lies
in store for you, Batman?

He'd stop at nothing to add that
cowl to his horrific hoard of headpieces.

The loss of my cowl is
secondary, commissioner.

But not the fate of Gotham City.

Right. This monster
must be stopped at once.

Where will we begin, Batman?
The prison ballpark or the box shops?

That's all after the fact, Robin.
We must anticipate his next move.

And I believe the Batcave is the
place for that. Excuse us, please.

Looking back, Chief O'Hara, it's hard
to remember how we operated at all...

before those two masked
Samaritans appeared on the scene.

It's not hard for me to
remember, commissioner.

Things were a mess.

Masked Samaritans or not, it looks
like things may get even messier...

judging by what's going on in the
Mad Hatter's current hideaway...

in the defunct Green
Derby Restaurant.

It's like losing old friends,
Polly, putting these hats away.

Take this shako,
for instance. Ho-ho!

How startled the guardsman
was when I lifted it...

during a time when he
was trooping the royal colors.

Wasn't that risky, Jervis?

A bit touch-and-go.

Especially when the
king ordered my execution.

But I escaped.

With this noose.

Hardly a hat, but in its
way, a kind of headwear.

Aha. And the sultan
of Shargreve...

how startled he was when I
lifted this during a tiger hunt.

You certainly were asking
for trouble that time, Jervis.

A soupçon.

What puzzles me, Jervis, is why
you're packing all this heisted headgear.

Times change, Polly,
and people with them.

Stealing hats has lost
its fascination for me.

You mean you're going straight?

Hardly. Do you think
I've blown my lid?

This phase in my career
will never be over...

until the Caped Crusader's
cowl is safely in my custody.

Oh, gee, Jervis.

You had me worried for a minute.

I mean, a hat-check girl
without any hats to check is...

And after that I'm going to change
my tactics and use hats to steal.

Hats to steal?

I'm puzzled again.

Well, it's a plan which is better
understood as it unfolds, Polly...

involving as it does the
Headdress Ball tonight...

at which you will be in
charge of the hat-check stand...

plus the Three-Tailed
Pasha of Panchagorum...

plus this plastic g*n filled
with radioactive spray...

plus the Golden Buddha of Bergama
and the priceless ruby in its forehead...

and finally...

plus that elevated water
t*nk at the rear of this property.

Down the ladder of which Benny
and Skimmer are now climbing.

What on earth are they
doing in the water t*nk?

Preparing a watery
grave, elevated of course...

for the Caped Crusader.

If I don't think of a trickier
means of disposing of Batman first.

"Sombrero.

Sunbonnet.

Pith helmet.

Tam-o'-shanter.

Skullcap.

Snood."

I don't see how we'll anticipate
Mad Hatter's next malicious move...

just by getting a lot of cards
from a Batcomputer, Batman.

You're right, Robin. No doubt
even that mechanical marvel...

feels the stress and
strain of crime-fighting...

and has chosen this
particular moment to let down.

Perhaps if I activated the
Accelerated Concentration Switch.

Holy handiwork, Batman.
A new att*ck entirely.

"The Top Hat Room.

The Headdress Ball.

Hattie Hatfield."

Of course. I should have made
the connection myself, Robin.

Perhaps I, too,
have become remiss.

Well, what is the connection?

Gotham City's Annual Charity
Headdress Ball is being held tonight...

at the Gotham Towers
West in the Top Hat Room.

And Hattie Hatfield...

uh, Gotham City's current
grande dame of local society...

is the head of the event.

Isn't she the owner of
the famous Hatfield ruby?

Right, Robin. And as I recall reading
in the morning's gossip column...

the magnificent headdress worn tonight
by Ms. Hatfield will be held in place...

by that ruby.

Oh, that should draw
Mad Hatter like a magnet.

No doubt, old chum.

So as we have one of our
infrequent free afternoons...

I think we should run a check on
our Batarangs and our Bat-ropes.

We did that right
after our last Bat-climb.

Forewarned, forearmed, Robin.

All the walls of the Gotham
Towers West are sheer glass.

But even as the Headdress
Ball gets underway...

what surprising news is
this hotel manager receiving...

in the foyer of the
Top Hat Room?

The Three-Tailed
Pasha of Panchagorum?

Yes, he's in Gotham
City incognito.

And he's asked me, as First Secretary
of the Panchagorum Consulate...

to tell you that he'd love to drop in on
the Headdress Ball for a few moments.

Incognito, of course.

To observe the folkways
and native customs.

But he's a very simple man...

and he trusts that there will
be no burden on hotel security.

Oh, no, no. Assure
him, sir, that it will not.

No, for the Three-Tailed Pasha,
we shall be most unobtrusive. Heh.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

I think I'd better
alert you, honey.

The Three-Tailed Pasha of
Panchagorum is about to drop in...

on this little
affair any minute.

Oh? Then I'll give him
a three-tailed hat check.

He doesn't want word to get out,
but I'd better tell Hattie Hatfield.

- I hear Jervis is on his way up.
- Right.

Is, uh, everything set?

Skimmer and the rest of
the boys are at their stations.

The Three-Tailed
Pasha of Panchagorum?

Did you hear that, Mabel?

But while the pasha
ascends by elevator...

the dynamic duo make a less orthodox
approach up the sheer glass wall.

Looked like a fancy affair
down on the 62nd floor, Batman.

Just goes to show, Robin, that people who
stay in glass hotels shouldn't throw parties.

Eyes front. After all,
we're not social climbers.

Meanwhile back at
the classy clambake...

Care to check your
three-tailed hat, sir?

I never leave my
hat with anyone.

My three-horsetailed tassels...

are a symbol of my high rank as a
Panchagorum m*llitary commander.

Then perhaps your gloves.

Nor my gloves, either.

In this one, I have my
reliable ruby retriever.

But, uh, what a unique custom.

Leaving articles of clothing with
a pretty young lady at the door.

I must initiate that in my
Panchagorum harems.

I'm Hattie Hatfield, Your
Three-Tailed Excellency.

Then word has gotten out.

I really wanted this
little visit to be incognito.

- Who's that?
- Mad Hatter, Robin. Who else?

Why three horsetails on his fez?

Obviously a ruse of some kind.

Let's slip in and find
a better vantage point.

I'm sure we'll be unnoticed.

In Panchagorum I travel
unnoticed, and prefer it that way.

Such a humble man.

Oh, I love your hat.

What a unique place
to wear your three tails.

- A concession to the changing times.
- Heh.

The buffet?

Some champagne for
His Three-Tailed Pasha.

And some caviar.

He's so charming.
He's so democratic.

Batman and Robin are
hiding behind the table.

Yeah, ready for action.

And they'll get it.

No, thank you.

You mean I can't
interest you in anything?

Oh, I didn't say
that, dear lady.

That headdress of yours is very interesting.
Particularly that beautiful ruby.

- On your mark.
- Compared to it...

the famous stones of
Panchagorum are faded and lifeless.

But it's really nothing.

It's a family heirloom.

Get set.

But what brilliance.

Go.

Batman and Robin.

What are you doing here?

The Three-Tailed Pasha
is an imposter, Ms. Hatfield.

If you'll check your headdress,
you'll see that your ruby is gone.

It's gone.

Back, citizens.

And now you, Mad Hatter.

Not until I toss my hat
into the ring, Batman.

Holy fireworks!

Look out, Batman, knock-out gas.

No, Boy Wonder, something
much more effective.

Radioactive spray.

Try this on your cowl for size.

You diabolical devil.

Not one step forward, Boy
Wonder, or you'll get it too.

Don't take that step, Robin.

Why, you three-tailed...

Your cowl, Batman.
It's turned bright pink.

A form of virulent
radiation, Robin.

Quickly. Back to the
Batcave before it is too late.

Sir, all your other cowls are in
the Home Dry Bat-cleaning Plant.

It's turned up to full-maximum.

But even so, I'm afraid they won't be
ready for another couple of hours at least.

Holy self-service.

What about the new cowls
you've been working on, Alfred?

The material I ordered hasn't arrived
yet. A trend of the times, I'm afraid, sir.

We've gotta do something.

I know a little about radioactivity
and its effect on human tissue.

If you're worrying
about me, Robin, don't.

The Anti Radioactive Bat-pill that I took
should hold me for a short while longer.

Of greater importance
is getting a usable cowl...

and to use it in
apprehending Mad Hatter.

Alfred, turn the Home Dry Bat-cleaning
Plant from full-maximum to super-instant...

while millionaire Bruce
Wayne makes a telephone call.

- Very good, sir.
- Bruce Wayne?

Yes, to Professor Overbeck of the
Gotham City Atomic Energy Laboratories.

This morning Mr. Wayne presented
Professor Overbeck with a sizable check...

for his fine work.

Perhaps the good professor
would like to return the favor...

by doing something for
Mr. Wayne's friend, Batman.

Yes, Mr. Batman,
Mr. Wayne did call.

And I'll be glad to help
you in any way I can.

But that cowl.

Ach du lieber, that cowl.

You know, I'm not sure that our most advanced
decontaminating processes will be of help.

However, we will try.

I'll have my assistant bring you
a hooded protective suit at once...

while you are waiting here.
Just one moment, please.

On your toes, Robin.

The night has eyes and ears.

Gosh, Batman,
that one stumps me.

I didn't have time to
explain it on the outside...

but we were followed
here at least part of the way.

Mad Hatter?

No doubt anticipating
our every move.

And what better place
to retrieve my cowl...

than somewhere I
voluntarily remove it.

He may be in for
a little surprise.

Otto.

Otto.

Otto.

Yes, professor?

Where have you been, Otto?

Look, when I call I
expect an answer.

I'm answering,
professor. I'm answering.

Now, look, Otto, I have
here Herr Batman with me...

in a radioactive cowl which
has to be decontaminated.

Now, will you please bring me
one hooded protective suit at once.

Yes, professor, yes.

Give me a hand with that hooded
protective suit, and then find me another.

So little is known about this
radioactivity of radioactive agents.

So little is known that we only know
one thing, that eventually they are deadly.

Gosh, Batman. I hope
that pill is still working.

The effects are beginning
to wear off faintly.

Ah, here he is.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, Herr Batman, will you please
slip out of your cowl and get into this?

Yes, and, oh, I remember, you
don't want to reveal your identity...

so use this, will you, please.

- Need any help, Batman?
- No, Robin.

Just remember, eyes and ears.

So your name's Otto.

Oh, excuse me, Wonder Boy.

I should have introduced you.

Yes, this is Otto.
Otto Puffendorfer.

You see, he's my reliable assistant
ever since I had a little laboratory...

way back in the old country.

- Here you are, professor.
- Yeah, yes... Oh, no, no.

No?

Ah. Otto, Otto, take this out
and have it decontaminated.

- Just a minute, Otto Puffendorfer.
- Unhand me, Boy Birdbrain.

- Oh!
- Now I have what I've always wanted.

That wasn't Otto.

- No, it was Mad Hatter.
- Aah!

Herr Batman.

- How could you have two cowls?
- I'll explain later, professor.

- Is there another door into that room?
- Down the hall.

I have Batman's cowl.

The crowning achievement
of my career. The end of his.

And the end of crime-fighting
in Gotham City, boss.

Oh, such sweet victory.

Don't count us
out yet, gentlemen.

Victory and defeat are of
the same price, Mad Hatter.

It's some kind of a trick.
That can't be Batman.

As well as you can be the
Three-tailed Pasha of Panchagorum.

And Professor Overbeck's
assistant, Mad Hatter?

- I'll take that cowl.
- That cowl's contaminated.

Sic them! Sic them! Sic them!

Herr Batman, Herr Batman.

Robin is trapped in a
fluoroscopic cabinet.

It's a high-voltage x-ray.

Oh, Herr Bat... Aah!

Otto. Otto. Somebody.

Mr. Fancy-Hatter, they'll be x-rayed forever.
They'll be radiated in a matter of minutes.

Don't worry, my friend.
You don't need to watch.

Happy tin-types, dynamic duo.