02x36 - The Mad Hatter Runs Afoul

[bunniefuu]

When we said our last fearful
farewells to Batman and Robin...

the malevolent Mad
Hatter had trapped them...

in a fluoroscopic cabinet of
an atomic energy laboratory...

where, exposed to
high-voltage x-rays...

it would only be a matter of moments
before they'd be radiated forever.

For you, another few
hours have gone by...

for the Dynamic
Duo, an eternity...

as we shall shortly see.

Horror of horrors, can it have
happened at long, long last?

The disastrous demise
of the Dynamic Duo?

Yesterday, flesh and blood...

now cowled skeletons.

But who could this be?

The Mad Hatter again?

Demented enough to return to
the scene of his fossilized folly?

Now what's the matter,
Polly? I told you what to expect.

But I didn't expect it.

Why did you bring me here if
you knew about this all the time?

Every man likes a pretty girl
with him at a skeleton dance.

This time, Jervis,
you've gone too far.

At least far enough, boss.

There's still ground
to be covered.

But with Batman and Robin out of the
way, as I've seen with my own two eyes...

the rest of this caper
should be a picnic.

A picnic? At a time like this?

Let's get out of here before
anybody discovers us.

Although apparently no
one is keeping a death watch.

Hey, boss, you know you could
have picked up another cowl in there.

A morbid thought, Skimmer.

The one I tricked Batman out of
last night will fill the bill beautifully.

No.

I won't believe it.

I don't believe it.
I can't believe it.

My world has just
been ripped to shreds...

seam by seam.

Come now, commissioner,
nothing could be as bad as all that.

This is, chief.

A cleaning woman at the Gotham
Atomic Energy Laboratory...

Now, now, easy does it.

Just called the editor of
the Gotham Post Tribune.

- Maybe if you loosened your tie.
- And told them...

Have you still got that
bottle here in your drawer?

That she had seen the...

The skeletons...

of Batman and Robin.

The what?

The skeletons of the
Caped Crusaders...

shrouded in their cowls...

Hold on to me, commissioner.

In a fluoroscopic cabinet
where they met their maker...

Don't say it.

Under high-voltage x-ray.

No.

Pennsylvania 6-5-0-0-0.

Oh!

No, no, no.

Well, he's at his ranch right now, but I'm
sure he'll fly to Gotham City right away.

Trafalgar 6-5-0-0-0.

Oh! No, no, no.

She's at Windsor Castle. She'll
fly to Gotham City immediately.

Belatzova 6-5-0-0-0.

- Herr Batman?
- I wanna thank you for your assistance...

- Professor Overbeck.
- Oh, please, don't thank me.

You know, if it weren't
for that little thingamajig...

You mean the Bat X-ray
deflector in my utility belt.

Gosh, yes. Sure
a great gadget...

for deflecting all types
of radiation in an instant.

It never hurts to be
prepared, professor.

Oh, and you certainly were.

You know, with that extra cowl you
wore under your contaminated one...

and the additional wardrobe
you had in your Batmobile. Hmm!

It never would've worked if it hadn't
been for the two skeletons in your closet.

Now I think we should get
to the Batcave. Wait a minute.

Remember, we left
the Batmobile in back.

Holy memory bank, you're right.

But earth-shaking events or
solitary moments, crime marches on.

Look, Jervis, they're
coming down the t*nk now.

So I see. Ha, ha.

Batman thought he was so smart
planting that tracking gizmo in this cowl.

But now it's planted forever...

in that t*nk at the
top of the tower.

Oh, the Mad Hatter has
outsmarted the dear departed. Heh.

Jervis, you sound like the Joker
or the Puzzler, or even the Riddler.

Those phonies?

Well, if Batman
is so departed...

why do you go to all the trouble
of hiding the tracking gizmo?

I'm not hiding it,
Polly, I'm drowning it.

Now, obviously the Caped Crusader's
little accident will be discovered.

Now, there will be questions
asked. The police will be called in.

I don't want anything
to lead them to me.

At least not until I have
replaced the priceless ruby...

in the Golden Buddha
of Bergama's forehead...

with this cheap replica from
Hattie Hatfield's headdress.

Cheap replica?

Of course, this is not
the real Hatfield ruby.

You mean you knew
that all the time?

All the time, Polly.

My entire plan was to find a ruby
similar to one in the Buddha's forehead...

and then get rid of
Batman and Robin.

Now I've succeeded in both.

Now, just as soon as Benny
and Skimmer come in...

we're off to the
Gotham Art Center.

- Why there?
- That's where the Buddha...

goes on exhibit in one hour.

Now, all we have to do is
overpower the Royal Bergama Guard...

accompanying the
exhibit on its world tour.

And then with the aid of
my reliable ruby retriever...

we'll switch rubies, and
we're off and running.

We'd better be off
and running right now.

Yeah. Have you
been outside recently?

Not since we came in here. Why?

Because everything's come
to a dead stop, that's why.

Someone found
those two skeletons.

Well, it was bound to
happen sooner or later.

Well, it happened sooner.
All business is shut down.

The people are flocking to
their home by the thousands.

The whole town's at half-mast.

What a perfect time
to snatch the ruby.

Now, Jervis, I'm
not so sure that I...

Now, don't go soft on me, Polly.

Who made Batman and
Robin famous crime-fighters?

Criminals, that's who. If you want to
show a little respect to the departed...

stay crooked.

That's the least you could do.

Sure, boss.

You bet.

I guess you're right, Jervis.

It is sort of like putting
flowers on their graves.

I'm sorry, Mildred.

There are already over 4000
women on the funeral committee alone.

But I might work you in on the
Statue of Batman Committee.

Good, I'll put your name down.

It's just wonderful the way
the citizens get together...

when it's a national
crisis, isn't it?

Oh, Alfred, how touching.

You're in mourning too.

And you're not
even a native citizen.

Now, you two boys must
get black armbands too.

Aunt Harriet...

- Oh. What in the world is that?
- That's what I was coming to tell you, madam.

An immense crowd
has gathered outside.

I had to close the gates.

You see, madam, they know that, um,
Mr. Bruce was a friend of Batman's and...

- Yes, yes.
- Well, they're just here.

See that they're served
coffee and sandwiches.

And we'll see them as soon as
we get composed a little more.

Aunt Harriet.

Aunt Harriet, what
would your reaction be...

if I told you that beyond
a shadow of a doubt...

I knew that Batman
and Robin are still alive?

Well, I just wouldn't
believe it, that's all.

What if I told
you, Aunt Harriet?

Oh, you two are sweet to try
to bolster my shattered spirits.

But after all, I myself was the one
who telephoned Professor Overbeck...

at the atomic laboratory.

And he wouldn't lie, would he?

d*ck, um, perhaps you and I should
have a moment alone in my study.

I think so, Bruce.

Oh, that's a beautiful way for
you to express your respects.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Esther.

One more try, d*ck?

It's the only
thing to do, Bruce.

Fifty-thousand people...

just standing.

The greatest of all the ills
of man is grief, Chief O'Hara.

Mother McGillicutty,
he's calling from the grave.

One thing we do know, at
least Batman isn't buried yet.

Yes?

- Batman?
- Commissioner, I tried to get you earlier.

For as a great man
before me has said:

"The rumors of my death
are greatly exaggerated."

It's him, all right,
the Caped Crusader.

Returned from beyond the
pale, that's what he's done.

Apparently there's been
a slight error, Batman?

I'll explain, or certainly
try, later, commissioner.

Right now Robin and I
are off to nail Mad Hatter.

Mad Hatter? At
a time like this...

who cares about that pipsqueak's
inconsequential crimes?

Any crime, no matter how large
or small, Commissioner Gordon...

is a violation of a public
right and common law...

and the criminal or criminals committing
such an offense must be apprehended...

for the sake of all
human morality.

- You'll hear from me shortly.
- Right.

To the Batpoles.

I guess the first order of
business, Chief O'Hara...

- is getting word to the presidential jet.
- Right.

But even while the world
pulls out of its tailspin...

the Mad Hatter's violating
public right and common law.

I told you, the perfect
time for the perfect crime.

Even the Bergama
Royal Guards aren't here.

Boy, that was quick, boss.

But not quick enough, Jervis.

I was down at the hat check stand,
checking no hats, and guess what I heard.

- What?
- Batman and Robin are alive.

How could you have heard that?

I did, and it's spreading like wildfire,
from the president at the airport...

to the satellite, to
every country on earth.

Wouldn't you know. I reach the peak of my
career and now a petty annoyance like this.

While at the same time...

Batman and Robin are
back in their familiar haunt.

Mad Hatter has to be someplace
with that contaminated cowl.

Ergo...

Ergo, the small bug I tucked in
the cowl has to be someplace too.

Is that a bleep?

It sounded more like
a splash to me, Robin.

Which fits. My little gadget contained
an Underwater Bat-sonar Device.

Holy mermaid.

Now let's see if we can
pinpoint the exact location.

Aha.

A body of water at
Spring and Lake Streets.

The old Lake Street reservoir.

Drained, filled, and turned
into a housing project.

The Spring Street Aquarium?

Ran out of fish.

We're not getting far.

But it's a lot better than
being departed and defunct.

Defunct.

I think you may
have hit it, old chum.

The defunct Green
Derby Restaurant...

near the intersection of
Spring and Lake Streets.

And if memory
serves me correctly...

there's an old elevated water
storage t*nk directly behind it.

Yes, commissioner?

We've just learned a ruby was
stolen out of the Golden Buddha...

on exhibit at the
Gotham Art Center...

and replaced by the one taken out of
Hattie Hatfield's headdress last night...

which incidentally was fake.

No doubt the Mad
Hatter's involved.

But you don't know how relieved
I am to tell you this, Batman.

Relieved? At the loss
of a million-dollar ruby?

No, no, no.

Relieved to know that
you're back on the job.

Thank you, commissioner.

And we'll try to get
that ruby back too.

Well, old chum...

out of the sarcophagus
and back into the saddle.

Gentlemen, uh, would you
care to check your cowls?

We won't be staying
that long, miss.

And business doesn't
seem to be exactly thriving.

Well, we shut down immediately
when we heard about Batman and Robin.

A thoughtful gesture.

But a lot of dust sure
settled in a short time.

Well, it's this location.

With that, uh, water tower
out back there, it's, uh...

What about that water tower?

Well, it seems to
attract a lot of dust.

Let's level, young lady.

Does it not also attract Mad Hatter
and his equally mad henchmen?

And are they not using this defunct restaurant
as a hideout, with you as a pretty decoy?

Where would you ever
get an idea like that?

From that cowl...

which Mad Hatter
stole from me last night.

You're Batman?

Holy hoodwink.

Or holy naïveté.
Take your choice.

Exactly, Robin.

And when they saw the
Batmobile pull up outside...

did Mad Hatter and his slippery
stooges head for that water tower...

whatever the nefarious reasons?

Sure, they're
climbing it right now.

That cowl, which Mad Hatter
apparently forgot to decontaminate...

contains lethal
radioactive elements.

He must get
medical help at once.

Let's go, Robin.

- May I go with you?
- Yes, you can lead the way.

Look, boss, Polly is leading Batman and Robin
right here, straight to this water tower.

Oh, Jervis isn't
gonna like this at all.

Or is he expecting
you to play coy...

then innocent...

then frightened...

then lead us to him?

You mean a trap, Batman.

I think we should make this climb
with even more caution than usual.

Robin, stand back.

- They're coming up.
- So what?

When they get to
the top of the ladder...

I'll simply turn on my super-instant
mesmerizing device in my hat, and...

Any other ideas, boss?

Where's the rest of the g*ng?

Hey, g*ng.

Sic them. Sic them. Sic them.

Come on, boys!

- Where's the Mad Hatter?
- Up there.

Come down before
you die of radioactivity.

At least I'll die
with a fortune.

The ruby from the Golden Buddha of
Bergama's forehead is in my pocket...

and I defy anybody to get it.

And we'll accept that
challenge, begorra.

Gosh, Chief O'Hara,
are we glad to see you.

Oh, that goes double for me,
Boy Wonder. That in shamrocks.

We got your call from
the Batmobile, Batman.

But the whole city has gone wild,
celebrating your arising from the grave...

A waste of the citizens' time,
energy and money, Chief O'Hara.

- Where's Commissioner Gordon?
- He caught the girl at the bottom...

and he's taking her in to
book her as an accessory.

Good. Well, then you
can take over here.

Yes, my pleasure.

Holy multitudes.

Well...?

Well...?

After you, old chum.

Now that the tumult and the
shouting have d*ed down...

and the captains and
the kings have departed...

I have a question.

- Yes, Aunt Harriet?
- How did you know...

without a shadow of a doubt that
Batman and Robin were alive...

when the whole world
thought they were dead?

Yes, well, I, um...

Or you, d*ck?

You were equally emphatic.

Well, Aunt Harriet,
you see, I, uh...

I know you don't want me
to divulge the secret, sir...

but I think the time has
come to tell Mrs. Coop...

- No, no, Alfred.
- Yes, sir.

- To tell Mrs. Cooper the truth.
- Alfred.

- It is I who told them, madam.
- You, Alfred? How did you know?

Maudie, the cleaning woman
at the atomic energy laboratory...

is my cousin Egbert's wife.

And Maudie's always been sadly
given to, shall we say, heh, exaggeration.

But Professor Overbeck
himself substantiated her story.

Just protecting a bewildered
employee, madam.

So that's all it was.

An idle rumor that
shook the world.

Well, perhaps it's just as well.

At least Batman and
Robin, wherever they are...

Whoever they are
beneath those masks.

Must know with what
esteem they are held...

in the hearts of all the
people on this earth.