02x37 - The Zodiac Crimes

[bunniefuu]

High noon in Gotham City...

on a day when the number
12 is to become an evil omen...

for all good citizens.

Very good, Chief
O'Hara. Impressive.

Part of our new scientific
crime-fighting program, commissioner.

It shows every art
treasure in Gotham City...

so we can check them
out at a moment's notice.

With this map and improved
criminal procedures...

we should be well on our way to putting
Gotham City's criminals behind bars.

Never mind the
bars, look to the stars.

Not to mention Venus
and Mars. Ha-ha-ha!

Mother McGinty, it's Joker.

In police headquarters?
The nerve.

Naughty, naughty, commissioner.

Let's keep your
blue-coated buffoons outside.

What do you want here, Joker?

Just passing the time. As I
did all those months in prison...

after those caped cabbageheads
were lucky enough to apprehend me.

Luck had nothing
to do with it, Joker.

Your warped criminal mind is no
match for the wits of Batman and Robin.

They'll outsmart you every time.

A stroke of luck,
I tell you. Agh.

Well, in any event, I used my
free time to cultivate a new hobby.

Astrology, the
science of the stars...

the science of the
future. Ha-ha-ha.

Woo! Ha-ha-ha!

Mustn't touch, chief. Oh, ho.

My, what slow learners.

Well, what have we here?

This should go well
with my star charts.

Now, enough of this foolery.

I've come to announce a new
crime wave for Gotham City.

This is the first of
the zodiac crimes.

Look for 11 more, and
don't forget to keep score.

Venus, my dear.

Keep the stars out of your
eyes, gentlemen. Woo, ha-ha-ha!

Going up, please.

Mother McGee, he's gone.

The nerve of the scoundrel.

I think it's very nice you decided
to try out for the school band, d*ck.

Don't you think so, Bruce?

Yes, Aunt Harriet.

Very nice.

The Batphone, sir.

- What's that, Alfred?
- It's the Bat...

That phone, sir.

I suggest you
take it in the study.

I think maybe I'll practice
my marching, Aunt Harriet.

- Yes, commissioner.
- I have bad news for you, Batman.

That master of maudlin
mockery is back.

He just barged
smack into this office.

We'll be right there.

The Joker again.

To the Batpoles.

Gosh, Bruce, it's like trying
to get away from an octopus.

There it floated,
in front of me nose.

Dancing back and forth.

I can imagine it looked quite
mysterious, Chief O'Hara...

but the principle behind the
mechanism is really quite simple.

By magnetizing a steel rod...

and using the polarity of the
steel girders in this building...

Joker could have balanced the rod
in midair by using a simple rheostat.

But what did he mean by
all that talk about the stars?

And the wave of 12
crimes he promised.

And why steal our
official rare art map?

He may be planning a crime
for each sign of the zodiac.

Holy astronomy.

Aries, the Ram.

Taurus, the Bull.

Gemini, the Twins.

Virgo, the Virgin.

Libra, the Scales.

Scorpio, the Scorpion,
et cetera, et cetera...

ad infinitum.

Ha. Just as I thought.

A cleverly concealed
two-way spy device.

You mean the Joker could be
listening to us at this moment?

Exactly, Boy Blunder. Ha, ha.

- That's him.
- Speaking through my spy device...

which Batman detected
as I expected. Ha-ha-ha!

But I warn you, Batman,
I don't feel rejected...

with a fortune in
treasure still unprotected.

However did you know the
gadget was here, Batman?

Simple matter of
deduction, Chief O'Hara.

Joker would never come to this
office simply to steal a rare art map.

Rare art map.

R-A-M.

Aries, the Ram, the first sign.

Gosh, Batman, you
think he's already started?

Whenever Joker's involved...

who knows when he
started or what he started.

The caped crusaders don't
know what's in store for them.

At long last, I'll have them
out of my way permanently.

That's a long time, Joker.

The proceeds from my zodiac crimes
will give me what I've always wanted.

Complete control of
Gotham City. Oh, yes.

The caped crusaders are
now solidly star-crossed.

Venus.

Venus, will you stop bouncing?

Your orders, Joker.

A larcenous mind
in a limber body.

- We must stay trim.
- No.

Batman's no fool.

He's no match for me
with the stars as my guide.

Oh, get the door, Mercury.

Freight shipment. Collect.

- Two thousand four hundred fifty dollars.
- What?

Just pay him, Mercury.
Quick, give me a hand with this.

Ha-ha-ha! Careful now. Careful.

What's inside, Joker?

Two thousand dollars
is a lot of money.

Oh, this merchandise
is worth $2000.

It's worth 200,000,
you cheapskate.

At least you could have
sent me a plane ticket.

We had to get you into Gotham City
without anyone knowing about it, Pengy.

Especially Batman.

You better have something good
cooked up for that caped creep.

Oh, don't you worry, Pengy.

The pot's being put on the
fire right now, and Batman's in it.

Oh, you are a man after
my own heart, Joker.

- Black, eh?
- Black as pitch.

Meanwhile, the caped crusaders
study a copy of the rare art map.

There are dozens of places
the Joker could strike next.

And we're not even sure he'll
use the map for his next crime.

I have a hunch that's
Joker calling for me.

- May I, commissioner?
- Oh, please. Yeah.

- Batman speaking.
- A clue, caped curmudgeon.

Taurus, the Bull, is next on my show
and you'll soon be singing a song of woe.

Taurus, the Bull. Do
you think it's a trick?

I don't think it's
a trick, Robin.

I don't think it's
Taurus either.

A song of woe. Gemini.

- The Twins?
- Of course.

Sing a song of woe.

- I'm confused, Batman.
- Think, Chief O'Hara.

Gotham City's current
singing sensations...

are two young minstrels called
The Twins. Let's go, Robin.

As in Joker's
hideout, once more...

That's delicious.

Now, if my calculations
are correct...

And my calculations
are always correct.

Those masked muttonheads may
have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Right.

Are you sure you can
handle this, Pengy?

What? Those booted buttinskies
are no match for the Penguin.

I'll slice them to slivers.

I'll pound them to pieces.

I'll dice them to driblets.

Now, as soon as Pengy
jumps in, you cut out, Venus...

- and join me you-know-where.
- Right, Joker.

Oh, let me at them.

I'll fix their hash and I'll grind
them into masked meatballs.

Undoubtedly the Twins
rehearsing for tonight's performance.

Perhaps another time might be
more appropriate for that, Robin.

Oh, sorry.

You are The Twins?

That's what the sign says, man.

How can we smooth your path?

We came here to warn
you. Someone is after you.

Like, we know that, Wonder Boy.

We're referring to a
criminal thr*at. Joker.

Forget that canary, Batman.

You're up against the Black
Bird of Prey. Waugh, waugh!

Penguin.

There he goes, Robin. After him.

We're off.

So long, dynamic dunderheads.

Enjoy your ride on
the Joker's boom bug.

Well, now, so these here...

are them there fabulous Twins.

Oh, yes, sir.

Named for their identical
size, cut and brilliance.

And they're only
$250,000, for the pair.

Aw, get them for me, Daddy, huh?

I always did
like little purties.

Well, now, Bella-Mae Sue, if it is
gonna pleasure you, why, sure. Ha, ha.

Son, fetch over your guards.

I wanna walk these diamonds
out of here safe-like. Ha-ha-ha.

Of course, sir. Uh,
Pinkerton. Burns.

These here the only policemen
you got on the premises, sugar?

Yes. Just these two,
but they're picked men.

Well, in that there case,
I'll just fetch out my money.

- May I borrow your comb, Alfred?
- Yes, sir.

So while Penguin was leading
us on a wild-goose chase...

Joker was stealing
the real Twins.

I'm afraid so, Robin. But with
the help of the Bat-analyst...

we should be back
on Joker's trail.

Thanks to Venus' wig.

You know, Batman, she seemed
like a nice girl in that costume.

I suspect she is a
nice girl, down deep...

but she's fallen in
with bad companions.

And who knows what
her home life was like?

Now, as soon as the Bat-analyzer
determines the components of that wig...

we can trace it and then...

- We nail Joker.
- Aha.

Ah.

Yes. The wig is 98
percent human hair...

backed up by the finest silk.

There's only one high-fashion
shop in Gotham City...

that has this
quality of coiffeur.

Harry's Hair Lair.

Harry and Bruce Wayne
belong to the same golf club.

Perhaps Harry can supply
the address we need.

And then under
cover of darkness...

- Batman.
- Is Joker here?

Venus...

how did a nice girl like you get
mixed up in an ugly business like this?

The Joker says I'm very useful.

He says I'm his right-hand girl.

Why don't you throw him over?

What's he ever done
besides get you into trouble?

You mean rat on my friends?

Criminals have
no friends, Venus.

Help us get Joker and I'm sure the authorities
will take that into account at your trial.

No, Batman.

I may be felonious,
but I'm no fink.

I'm pleased to see that
you have standards, Venus...

albeit unlawful ones.

However, in this case,
your loyalty is misguided.

From your reaction, Venus, I
would say that is no idle call.

- Hello? PENGUIN:
Hello? Where's the Joker?

Penguin.

He stepped out for a few
moments. May I take a message?

Tell him everything's
set for tonight.

Would you have any more details?

He knows all the details.

And tell him I
want a 50-50 split.

No fast ones.

Mm, waugh.

Venus...

when two arch-criminals
like Penguin and Joker...

combine their
criminal talents...

people are likely to get hurt.

Innocent people.

Won't you help us, Venus?

All right.

I'll do it for you, Batman.

I don't know what the Joker
plans, but I do know where.

And I'll take you there.

You who have dreams

If you act, they'll come true

Joker didn't give you any
hint as to what he planned?

No, Batman.

All I know is that he's
meeting the Penguin here.

If you have a soul and a spirit

Stay here. Come on, Robin.

- All right, Pengy, let her rip.
- Bombs away. Waugh, waugh!

Sounds like the Penguin.

- Look out, Robin. JOKER:
You're on target, Pengy.

- Hit them again. Woo, hoo, hoo!
- Waugh, waugh, waugh!

They crawl and
they crawl to the floor

And there's nothing in the world

All right, tonsils,
ransom time. Let's go.

Help! I'm being kidnapped!

- Police!
- Ah, ha-ha-ha!

- Let's go, Venus.
- No.

- Come on, Venus.
- No.

I said come on.

Joker, don't leave me.

Come back, you fish-headed fink.

So it is Penguin.

- What are you doing out of prison?
- I needed a little change of air.

- You think you'll get it helping the Joker?
- Oh, that pasty-faced felon ran out on me.

There's never honor
among thieves, Penguin.

You, of all people,
should know that.

Well, at least I helped
him make fools of you two.

He got the Lion and the
Crab in one fell swoop.

Holy terminology,
Batman. He's right.

Leo Crustash. Leo, the Lion
and crustacean for the Crab.

Joker did get the Lion and
the Crab, but we have Penguin.

That should make Warden
Crichton quite happy.

Waugh! Waugh, waugh, waugh.

A picture of the
Virgin Bereaved...

one of Gotham City's
most valuable art treasures.

Worth nearly a cool
million, according to experts.

And most certainly,
Joker's next target.

It's the only item on this map that
even resembles Virgo, the Virgin.

Virgo, the next sign on
the Joker's criminal zodiac.

It's time for us to make
a horoscope, Robin.

I predict that within the hour,
Joker will be at the museum.

And I predict we'll
be waiting for him.

It's been quite an evening so
far, but, uh, boy, will he see stars.

Every guard's been alerted
to let Joker in but not out.

Gosh, this is sure
a good place...

- for his total eclipse.
- Mm.

Well met by moonlight, Batman.

As per my calculations...

on my terms and
at my convenience.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- The odds are all even, Joker.

Two against two.

Even, my erroneous urchin?

Let me cast you a horoscope.

Instead of two, you'll discover seven
about to give you a free trip to heaven.

Ha, ha.

First class fencing,
Batman. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

- For what?
- My unexpected ally.

Venus unobserved.

Throw it, you ninny.

- Throw it.
- Sorry, caped crusaders.

The stars demand a sacrifice.

To the altar of the sun.

Comfy, boys?

Couldn't we call it off, Joker?

Mercy to a brave
foe and all that?

You're losing your nerve,
Venus, which is a shame.

But you're also losing your
senses, which is criminal.

Hold her.

Batman, I realize right now,
I've made a terrible mistake.

Repentance is
better late than never.

Ew.

You're making me ill. Ugh!

Now I must cancel your
horoscopes, caped crusaders.

The moment of occlusion
is at hand. Ha, ha. Look up.

A century ago, that stone
dropped from the heavens.

At dawn, it will fall
again onto your heads.

Ha-ha-ha! Mercury, the thermite.

- Fiend!
- Yes.

I'll set that miniature
solar system in motion...

with a thermite b*mb
attached to the planet Saturn.

When it comes around, the
thermite will burn through the cable...

depositing the meteorite
onto your dunderheads.

Bring her along. She'll recover
her criminal senses. Ha, ha!

Goodbye, dynamic duo.

I predict a falling out.