02x39 - The Penguin Declines

[bunniefuu]

We last left the Dynamic Duo
and lovely Venus in a shallow pool...

where a giant clam had
just swallowed Robin.

A gruesome joke
on the Joker's part.

But now, will Venus, or
maybe Batman himself...

provide the clam
with its next course?

We'll see in short order.

It's hopeless, Batman. Hopeless.

Robin's being swallowed whole...

and we'll be next.

He isn't being swallowed whole,
Venus. I can still see a piece of his boot.

Holy human pearls, Batman.

Correction, Robin. Pearls come from
oysters. You came out of that clam.

Ugh! I sure did. But
how'd you get me out?

He pried the clam open
with his bare hands...

and then he unchained me.

How'd you break
your chain, Batman?

Every man has his own unknown
inner strength at a time of crisis, Robin.

I'm sure had the situations been
reversed, you would've found your strength.

But now we must
get to the Batcave.

But what to do about Venus?

I know.

I can borrow my friend Bruce
Wayne's midtown apartment.

Sure, Batman. He
hardly ever uses it.

Then I'm still part of the team?

After what we've all just been
through, of course you are, Venus.

And I'm sure you can
help us track down Joker.

Of course, you'll have to stand
trial for your earlier misdeeds.

As should any citizen who
breaks the law, Batman.

Where are Uranus and Mars?

They should have completed
Operation Laundry Bag by now.

Maybe they ran into some
trouble with the prison guards.

They better not. Operation
Laundry Bag must be successful...

in order for me to complete
Aquarius and Capricorn.

The final two crimes
of my zodiac. Ha, ha.

They're here.

Yeah. Well, where is he?

In the bag.

- Stupid. Why didn't you let him out?
- We didn't have a chance.

Warden Crichton's boys chased
us all the way from the prison.

- We barely managed to ditch them.
- Well, quick, help me get him out.

Waugh, waugh, waugh.

You dolts. You buffoons.
I might have suffocated.

- I'm sorry, Pengy. I didn't mean to...
- "Pengy"? Mr. Penguin to you, sir.

Numskull, get Penguin's
clothes for him. Hurry.

Get my clothes for
me? I've got them on.

Oh, so you do.

For a minute I thought
those were prison issue.

Prison issue? This sartorial
triumph a prison issue?

Well, sometime I'll give
you the name of my tailor.

Sometime I'll give you a piece
of my mind. Like right now.

I don't have any other
clothes for him, Joker.

But... But I got news for you.
Saturn called from the other hideout.

Venus and the Caped
Crusaders are gone.

Well, of course they're gone. The clam
made a good meal out of them. Ha-ha-ha!

The Batmobile's gone too, from
outside. The clam could haven't eaten that.

Are you trying to tell me Batman, Robin and
Venus could all have escaped my clam trap?

Yeah, that's the way it
looks from here, Joker.

Oh, Pengy. Then I
really need your help.

- To do what?
- To terminate Batman once and for all.

While I conclude
my Zodiac Crimes.

Now you're talking. Together
to the end, Jokey. Batman's end.

Let's try to anticipate
his next crime.

Which no doubt will
concern itself with Aquarius.

The water bearer.
But what could that be?

If you take it
literally, of course...

it could mean the entire
Gotham City water system.

But he's tried once before.
And we foiled him, remember?

Yes. With Alfred's help.

But maybe this time
he's aiming higher.

Maybe he has some mad scheme for stealing
the entire Gotham City water system.

Stealing the entire
Gotham City's water system?

It's magnificent, Joker.
How are you gonna do it?

Well, if you make something
unusable, it's just as good as stealing it.

Well, if you mean polluting the
water, that didn't work before.

Ah, but this time I have a much
more sophisticated plan in mind.

Joker-Jelly. Concentrated
strawberry gelatin...

powerful enough to change all
the water into strawberry jelly.

It's very ingenious, Joker. A crime
almost as good as one of mine.

One of yours?

Those piddly escapades? Ha, ha!

"Ha" yourself,
you cornball crook.

- Why, you waddling little pip-squeak.
- You gap-toothed goon.

- How dare you?
- Agh!

- Let me at him. You long-nosed fish eater.
- Waugh!

- How dare you say...?
- Huh?

What are we doing?

We should be fighting
Batman, not each other.

You're right. For once.

- What's the caper?
- Well, my Aquarius crime is all set, Pengy.

But I need help with Capricorn,
my twelfth and final crime.

Capricorn, the goat? What is it?

"Who is it?"

- I don't know. Batman?
- Right.

Batman's the goat, and
we're going to get him.

Wonderful, wonderful.
How do we do it?

Ah, by using that suave Penguin
charm to captivate a beautiful girl.

Magnificent, magnificent.

- Who is she? Where is she? Where is she?
- She's my former associate, Venus.

And right now she's in Bruce
Wayne's midtown apartment...

where my satellites
traced her...

by means of a homing
device I concealed in her shoe.

Oh, I'll sweep her off her feet.
I'll charm the stars into her eyes.

Women of America, beware.

Don Juan Penguin
is on the loose.

And so while the Penguin
prepares for his romantic task...

the joker is busy at the
Gotham City Reservoir.

Oh, this is a delicious spot.

Let the Gotham City-ites try to
get this stuff out of their spigots.

- Yeah.
- Just think, Mars.

You turn on the faucet and
out comes strawberry jelly.

Yeah, that's a great idea. You
know, if you got a sink full of biscuits.

Holy jelly molds.

It looks like strawberry jelly.

But it tastes like
strawberry axle grease.

So in his warped way, Joker
has stolen the water supply.

You think this stuff is coming out
of all the faucets in Gotham City?

Knowing Joker, I'd bet on it.

We'll have to use the Batcopter,
Robin. It has the portable Batlab in it.

To the Gotham City Reservoir.

And while the Dynamic Duo
are rushing to the reservoir...

Gotham City has
gone dry as a bone.

Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the...

Mother machree.

I'll lay odds the
Joker's behind this.

We'll try the sulfide
reagents first, Robin.

We'd better hit it pretty soon, Batman,
or there'll be a lot of thirsty Gothamites.

Worse than that, Robin,
if a fire should break out...

the fire department would
have no way of putting it out.

Holy holocaust. I
forgot all about that.

That'll be the commissioner trying to get
us on the Batphone in the portable Batlab.

Lucky for us, we had mobile-phone
Bat-plugs installed in our utility belts.

- Yes, commissioner.
- Where are you, Batman?

At the reservoir, commissioner.

So that's how he did it.

Well, we've got more than
just that mess on our hands.

The Joker sent word to me that he wants $10
million to de-gelatinize the water supply.

Don't pay it, commissioner.

The Joker's used a
very complex formula.

It'll take time to analyze it, but
we will. Don't you worry about that.

That's what I wanted
to hear, Batman.

Meanwhile, in Bruce
Wayne's midtown apartment...

a lonely Venus receives
gifts from an ardent admirer.

- It's so sweet of Batman to send me flowers.
- Batman?

Those are no flowers
from a bat-eared buffoon.

Those are from a mature
admirer. Your suitor. Mm!

Oh, you ravishing rose of
womanhood. Waugh, waugh.

- Oh, Penguin. Oh, uh...
- Mm.

I'm going straight now.

So whatever you
want, it's no go.

What? I want
absolutely nothing...

except to pay tribute to your beauty and
your charm and your gaiety and your wit.

And to that end I have brought you
another little token of my admiration.

Token!

This is a bit of Surplice Number
Six, my little tulip. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, this is the most expensive
perfume in the whole world.

That's right.

It costs $1000 an ounce.

Tut-tut, that is nothing, my little daffodil.
Now put it down and sit on the sofa.

Shall we, my
fragile orchid, huh?

Oh, you're beautiful.
You're beautiful, beautiful.

Drapes.

Oh, heh. Pengy, it's dark.

We'll remedy that,
my glorious gardenia.

Candles. Bring me candles.

I, uh, think I'd rather have
the drapes open, Pengy.

What? When candlelight does
so much for your eyes? No.

Tell me, my heavenly hyacinth, when
is the last time you had a good, uh...

drink of water?

Drink of water?

Oh, you can't get any water.

Nothing comes out of the
faucets but strawberry jelly.

I guess that's how
rich millionaires live.

And you're probably thirsty, eh?

Champagne.

You'll have some champagne,
my little buttercup, won't you?

You'll have some champagne, huh?

I really don't think
that I should, Pengy.

Why? You want to
die of dehydrophalia?

- What's that?
- Well, that's the loss of precious bodily fluids...

due to a lack of
liquid in the tissues.

- It sounds terrible.
- Drink up, my dear. Drink up.

Waugh, waugh, waugh.

Some here. Some here.

Waugh! Drink it up, my dear.

Save yourself from sin.

That's it, Robin. Now hand me
the special exploding Batarang.

Right here, Batman.

We'll pour the
de-gelatinizing agent...

into the special
exploding Batarang...

set the timing fuse
for three seconds...

and...

That did it, Batman.

Before I met you, my sprig of
mint, I thought of nothing but crime.

Now I want to turn
over a new leaf.

But there's one little problem.

- What?
- My criminal record locked in the Batcave.

And until that is destroyed, I
can never feel like an honest man.

Why don't you ask Batman to...?

Batman? He'd never
believe that I've gone straight.

No, only you have faith
in me, my alluring azalea.

Only you can wipe out my past.

Help me start anew.

- But I can't get into the Batcave.
- Of course you can.

You ask Batman to take you
there, my lovely lady slipper.

And then you slip out my
card from the Batcomputer...

and I'll be able to start new.

My head's spinning
from the champagne.

I wish I knew whether to
believe you or not, Pengy.

Believe me, my
sweet honeysuckle.

I speak from the heart.

I know it's a big
thing to ask, Batman...

but I've always dreamed
of seeing the Batcave and...

Oh, I'm sorry.

After all, I guess there is really
no reason you should trust me...

when I was on the other
side not very long ago.

I trust you, Venus.

Then you'll take me?

All right, Venus.

We'll show you the Batcave.

Your decision to lead an honest
life was difficult and dangerous.

Consider this your reward.

Oh, Batman.

I'll have to give you a whiff of
Bat-gas before we leave, Venus.

Bat-gas?

Yes. We can permit you see the
inside of the Batcave, but not the outside.

We can't let you or anyone
else know it's location.

Then when you're in the Batcave,
we'll give you an another whiff.

Bat-awake. Completely harmless.

Whatever you say, Batman.

Oh!

It's fabulous.

It's a place to hang our cowls.

- Well, what's that thing over there?
- That's the Batcomputer.

And over here is the
Bat-spectrograph Criminal Analyzer.

And that is our Bat-radar.

And over here is the Penguin.

And over here is
the Joker. Ha-ha-ha!

Plus, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter,
Neptune, Uranus and Saturn.

Penguin, you lied to me.

Not a bit. I will feel
like a new man...

with Batman and Robin
squashed like beetles.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Why, you...

Stay where you are,
unpleasant adolescent.

One pull of this trigger and
this deadly umbrella g*n...

will fry you to a fritter.

It's all my fault, Batman.

I thought I was
helping Penguin reform.

Oh, how could I
have been so stupid?

He's fooled much shrewder
people than you, Venus.

But the results are
superb, Venus, my flower.

With the Dynamic Duo destroyed,
the Batcave will be converted...

into the headquarters for
the criminals of Gotham City.

Just think of it, Joker.

Never again will we be bothered
by any all this Bat paraphernalia.

Yes, I'm thinking of it,
Pengy. I'm thinking of it.

Lives of uninterrupted crime.

What was that?

Merely the Bat-spectrograph
Criminal Analyzer, Penguin.

Completed just this week.

In that brief second, it
recorded your bone structure...

metabolism rate, molecular
blood structure, retina patterns...

and other scientific data that
may prove invaluable in the future.

But it only works at close range,
and is much too large to move.

So I had to bring you both
in here in order to utilize it.

You knew they were in the trunk?

No crime fighter worth his salt
wouldn't have known, Venus.

Well, your Bat-spectro junk heap isn't gonna
do you any good where you're going, Batman.

Let them have it, Pengy.

It doesn't work.

No, it doesn't work, Penguin.

The negative ion attractor
which I placed in the trunk...

depleted its power source...

during the time you were inside.

- Shall we, Robin?
- Let's, Batman.

Waugh!

Aah!

Aah!

Waugh! Waugh, waugh, waugh.

You caught us, Batman.

But your crime-fighting days are
over, because we've seen the Batcave.

The inside, not
the outside, Joker.

So what?

So we don't know where the
Batcave is, you backward eel.

Well, why didn't you think of taking
a look on the outside, you dolt?

Why, you cornball crook.

- Why, you whiny little pip-squeak.
- You crazy totem pole.

Why, you long-nosed...

- You knew what Batman would...
- Enough. Enough. Enough.

Enough, gentlemen.

I think a little whiff of Bat-gas
should calm you down nicely.

Just breathe normally.

Waugh, waugh, waugh...

Holy gambles, Batman.

What if they had opened
the trunk on the way here?

They couldn't have, Robin.

I have the Emergency
Bat-trunk Lock on during the trip.

Oh, Batman.

I don't know what to say.

Well, don't say anything, Venus.

After all, you did
help us catch Joker.

His scheme to use you turned
out to be a trap for himself...

and Penguin.

And his slithery stooges.

Listen, Bruce. Your
horoscope for tomorrow.

"Prospects most favorable.

The positions of
Mercury and Mars...

which might have been
threatening, have changed.

And Venus is in the ascendancy."

Oh, my, isn't that nice?

That's very nice, Aunt Harriet.

And here's yours, d*ck.

"A very pleasant day.

Satellites no
longer pose a thr*at.

Fun in store with family."

Oh, I'm just so glad.

With all the strange things that
have been happening recently.

I thought we'd been leading
well-ordered lives, Aunt Harriet.

Oh, I mean all over Gotham City.

All that icky goo in
the water supply...

and the terrible time Batman
and Robin have been having.

Don't listen to idle
rumor, Aunt Harriet.

Oh, I know I shouldn't.

But someone told me...

that both the Joker and the
Penguin were after Batman...

and Robin almost got
eaten alive by a giant clam.

How could one little
clam eat a boy his size?

It does sound a little
farfetched, doesn't it?

Dinner is served.

About time, Alfred.
What are we having?

We begin with your
favorite, Master d*ck.

Clam chowder.

Clam chowder?

Isn't that a coincidence.

Chin up, old chum.

It's one way of getting even.