02x51 - A Piece of the Action

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
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Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
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02x51 - A Piece of the Action

Post by bunniefuu »

NARRATOR: Midnight in
Gotham City, the very dead of night.

The Green Hornet and Kato
outside the Pink Chip Stamp Factory?

Something must be very much amiss
inside the Pink Chip Stamp Factory...

for them to inv*de
Batman's territory.

A long way from home, indeed.

And for a peephole to snap
shut in their faces at midnight.

We have visitors, boss.

What? In the middle
of my midnight snack?

- I've just warned up this alphabet soup.
- Masked visitors.

Batman and Robin?

Not Batman and Robin.

Who are you? What do you want?

- If you're interested in trading stamps...
- We might be.

Then visit one of our retail outlets
in the morning. This is the factory.

That sign on the outer door,
"This means you," means you.

Throw them out.

[MEN GRUNTING]

- Why leave? We had them reeling.
- We saw enough, Kato.

I think at last we've found
what we've been looking for.

Tomorrow night we'll
rap everything up.

NARRATOR: Then, in
the rosy-fingered morn...

Who were your two visitors
last night, Colonel Gumm?

Just a couple of
hoods, Miss Pinkston.

I chased them away.

Hoods, Colonel Gumm? In fancy
clothes and a big black limousine?

I saw them arrive through
my apartment window.

But, of course, it was
too late to come down.

Commissioner Gordon, please.
This is Pinky Pinkston calling.

No, Miss Pinkston.

Colonel Gumm doesn't seem to understand
that I own this factory, Apricot.

He may be the foreman,
but I am the boss.

Let the police handle the
masked intruders, Colonel Gumm.

You have enough to do
printing Pink Chip stamps.

Hello, Miss Pinkston.
What can I do for you?

Two strange men invaded my
factory last night, commissioner.

My foreman threw them out...

but I'm running a legitimate business
here and I may need your help.

Well, of course. Can you
describe the interlopers?

[PINKY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What?

What?

NARRATOR: While from a pink
factory with a green intruder...

we go to brick-colored
Stately Wayne Manor...

and a red Batphone.

[BEEPING]

This new stamp you've added to
your collection is beautiful, Bruce.

Supposedly, it's a very rare issue. The
famous Blue Boar of Russian Samara.

But I have my doubts
about the watermark.

Watermark?

- Yes, this one's barely visible.
- Ahem.

- Yes, Alfred?
- The red phone, sir.

d*ck, perhaps we can give Blue Boar a closer
examination under the microscope in the study.

Oh, Bruce...

don't forget you have a luncheon
date with that sweet Miss Pinkston.

[PHONE RINGS]

BRUCE: Yes, Aunt Harriet.

Hello?

Britt Reid?

Yes, Mrs. Cooper. I'm in Gotham City
for the newspaper-publisher's convention.

Wanted to say hello to
you and speak to Bruce.

Just a moment, Mr. Reid.

- Alfred...
- Oh, yes, madam.

- Yes, commissioner?
- We have strong reason to believe...

that arch-criminal, the Green
Hornet, is operating in Gotham City.

- We'll run wide open. To the Bat...
- Sorry to interrupt you at a moment like this.

But Mr. Britt Reid is on the other
telephone. He's in town and would like...

Find out where he's staying and tell
him I'll call him later. To the Batpoles.

NARRATOR: But while the Dynamic Duo
head for Commissioner Gordon's office...

in double quick time...

Britt Reid's making a little
time of his own, or trying to.

What do you mean you have a
luncheon date with Bruce Wayne?

It's the only free time I have
during the publisher's convention.

Well, I do, Britt.
And I can't break it.

Why don't you join us, Britt? After
all, Bruce is a friend of yours too.

Mm-hm. Not where
you're concerned, Pinky.

I thrive on rivalry.

So don't be stubborn.
The Camellia Room, 12:30?

All right. You'll know me.

I'll be the one dressed
as a green-eyed monster.

- Guess you can't win them all, Mr. Reid.
- Hm.

Ever since Bruce
Wayne and I were kids...

we've been rivals in
one way or another.

The newspapers, the radio, TV, Mayor Linseed,
Governor Stonefellow, all on my back...

because the rumor is out the Green Hornet is
in our fair city for a piece of the action.

A piece of the action at the
Pink Chip Stamps Factory.

That seems strange.

With this heinous
reputation for high stakes...

a cut of a trading-stamps factory would
seem like somewhat of a comedown.

Maybe he was looking for something else
at the Pink Chip Stamp Factory, Batman.

The Gotham Gothic?

Miss Pinkston's father,
Pincus Pinkston...

May he rest in peace.

Was one of Gotham City's
foremost stamp collectors.

And the most valuable stamp in his
collection was the famous Gotham Gothic.

Sure. Worth a fortune.

But it disappeared
mysteriously shortly after he d*ed.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes, Bonnie?

Oh, send him in, Bonnie.

An important out-of-town
newspaper publisher...

who I'm sure would be
honored to meet you, Batman.

Ah, Mr. Reid.

- Commissioner.
- Come in.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.

And luck would have it, our famed
Caped Crusaders, Batman and Robin.

- Batman.
- Welcome, Mr. Reid.

- Thank you. Robin.
- How do you do?

- Sit down. Make yourself at home.
- Thank you, commissioner.

We have a mutual friend, Batman.

Millionaire Bruce Wayne. In fact,
I'm having lunch with him today.

Oh? Give him my regards.

We were just discussing a criminal, Mr. Reid,
with whom you are no doubt familiar.

The Green Hornet,
from your own bailiwick.

O'HARA: Just between
us boys, Mr. Reid...

we have reason to suspect he'll be pulling
some shenanigans in our own bailiwick.

The Green Hornet?
In Gotham City?

Well, that shouldn't disturb you, Batman.
Your name is legend among crime fighters.

Legends are sometimes
highly overrated, Mr. Reid.

'Twill be the Green Hornet
who's overrated, Batman...

if he tries to tangle
with you and Robin.

For which we must
prepare ourselves.

- Excuse us, Mr. Reid.
- Of course.

We must get back to the Batcave.

ROBIN: Sure, Batman.

Maybe the Batcomputer can tell us a
little more about our pea-green adversary.

I'm very disappointed
in these, Reprint.

For someone who's advanced from
manufacturing Pink Chip stamps...

to the fine art of counterfeiting
priceless rare stamps...

your work has become very slipshod. Here,
look at this overprint. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Fuzzy. Any expert
could spot that.

- So I goofed.
- Which we cannot afford, Reprint.

We have a lot to do
in a very short time.

- How short, Colonel Gumm?
- Tonight and tomorrow, Cancelled.

Then we move everything
into the warehouse.

Tomorrow night is the great
International Stamps Exhibition...

where I plan to
make my big k*ll.

You sure ought to
win some of the prizes.

Winning prizes is not
what I'm after, Block.

It's walking away with some of the rarest
and most irreplaceable stamps in the world.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Whoops, oops! There comes the pink
prima donna. Down her private stairway.

Look busy and honest.

Colonel Gumm.

- Have you heard the latest news broadcast?
- No, Miss Pinkston. I've been too busy.

Oh, isn't that a shame, Apricot?

Colonel Gumm has been too busy
manufacturing Pink Chip stamps...

to know that this morning's
intruders may have been...

the Green Hornet and
his masked accomplice.

Uh, what would they
be doing in Gotham City?

What would they be doing
in my factory, Apricot?

I will be lunching in
town, Colonel Gumm.

I wish she'd stop talking to
that pink mutt and talk to me.

- I think she was talking to you, boss.
- Well, I'll soon find out.

How, colonel?

As you boys grow older
and more experienced...

you'll find there's more than
one way to skin a pink cat.

Fine time for the
Batcomputer to let us down.

It's not the machine's
fault, old chum.

We overlooked one thing
when we constructed it.

A dual-identity Bat-sensor.

Holy oversight.

So we can't really blame
our faithful friend here...

for failing to provide us with the
clues we need about the Green Hornet.

No human mind has solved
the secret of our own duplicity.

Who, in reality, are
Batman and Robin.

[BATCOMPUTER CLICKING]

It heard you. It's trying.

[DINGS]

Not much of an answer.

"Cowled crime fighters.
Real identities unknown."

The next time we're in town, we'll pick up
the parts for a dual-identity Bat-sensor.

Now it's time for Bruce Wayne's
lunch date with Pinky Pinkston...

and d*ck Grayson's
session with his French tutor.

French tutor?

That's one trouble with
dual identities, Robin.

Dual responsibilities.

Oh, that is
beautiful. Beautiful.

- What's it called?
- Shirley.

A peignoir named Shirley?

No, I'm Shirley.

Lingerie Bazaar. Off at 6.

We're completely
neglecting Britt.

No, I got the message, Pinky.

Would I supply the third
corner of today's triangle...

to tell you what I might
know about the Green Hornet.

Yes, very lovely.
What size is it?

555-5555.

Size 5,555,555?

No. That's my telephone number.

Ask for June.

I do wish you two would
quit flirting with the models...

and pay a little
attention to me.

Britt's doing all the flirting.
I'm outside feeding the dog.

You can't expect me to devote
my entire time to you, Bruce.

- Why not? PINKY:
Because Britt's here too.

That's right, I am.

Well, where were we?

I'll line up Batman in case Green Hornet
decides to invades your factory tonight.

And I'm to find out what the Green
Hornet is up to in Gotham City.

PINKY: Oh, will you? I have
so much at stake at that factory.

I don't want any trouble.

BRUCE: I'll deliver Batman.

If I can reach him, of course.

And all information on the Green Hornet
will be transmitted. If I can get any.

But aren't you
mixing business...?

With pleasure, Pinky?

Business is my
pleasure, darling's.

Thank you.

Well, Apricot, time
for your pedicure.

- Come on, Apricot.
- You boys can fight over the check.

- Good day.
- Bye, Pinky.

Good day, Pinky.

Whose idea was this?

Pinky invited me to lunch,
and you invited her. Thank you.

[LAUGHING]

- I'm sorry, sir.
- Mm, mm?

The only alphabet soup we have is
tomato, split-pea and clam chowder.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, too bad.
You colonials are still so uncivilized.

Well, I suppose I
must go elsewhere.

I have to drop by
my stamp dealer's.

He's a nice old gentleman
named Boris Sevaroff.

Though I think he sold me a bogus
Blue Boar from Russian Samara.

I've been having the same
trouble with my collection.

Paid a fancy price for some stamps
that I don't think have a fancy value.

- Why don't you come along?
- Sure. Love to.

I don't have anything to do tonight
until the publisher's convention.

I'd invite you to that but,
uh, it's closed to visitors.

Same with me.

Meeting of the Wayne
Foundation. Board members only.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Ooh,
da, da! Yes, of course, Mr. Wayne.

The watermark on your Blue Boar
stamp is indistinct, but naturally.

Do you realize that only 12 of
those stamps were ever printed?

And that was over 100 years ago.

And, of course, Russian
Samara is a long way off.

Ah, Mr. Wayne, who knows
how far that stamp had to travel...

and what enormous
perils it went through...

before it finally found its
way to my poor establishment?

Not quite as poor as it was the
day before yesterday, Mr. Sevaroff...

when I paid a rather handsome
price for the Blue Boar.

I just hope that you are right.

Are you implying that I hoodwinked
you, Mr. Wayne? That I sold you a fake?

No, of course not. But isn't it
possible that you were hoodwinked?

[LAUGHING]

Nobody hoodwinks Boris Sevaroff.

Speaking of valuable stamps...

have you ever noticed a
stamp called the Gotham Gothic?

It used to be in the collection
of a Mr. Pincus Pinkston...

but upon his death, it vanished.

Well, of course, I have heard
of this stamp, Mr. Wayne...

but you must remember what a very small
and perishable thing a single stamp is.

It might easily have gotten
lost or accidentally destroyed.

Yes, most likely. I
just thought I'd ask.

Ha-ha-ha, well, gentleman.

Gentlemen, a true
pleasure to serve you.

And I hope I have the
opportunity once more...

before I return to my home,
Volzhsky on the Volga.

Good day. Good day. Good day.

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Reprint?
- Yes, boss?

Shift into high gear. We have to move
to the warehouse sooner than I thought.

The pink neb's causing
problems again?

She's just one of my headaches.

- I really smell trouble this time.
- Too bad, boss.

But you'll flip when you see my last
batch of phony stamps. Not fuzzy at all.

NARRATOR: But Colonel Gumm
isn't the only one who smells trouble...

as he ends Boris
Sevaroff's day's activities.

And Britt Reid begins the
Green Hornet's evening intrigue.

I'm certain that Bruce
Wayne's slippery stamp dealer...

and the foreman of the Pink Chip
Stamps Factory are the same man.

Involved in the counterfeit-stamp
ring we're trying to cr*ck?

Undoubtedly knowing something
about the missing Gotham Gothic.

I have a feeling that Batman and
Robin are gonna be on our tails tonight...

- making our task that much more tricky.
- How so?

Well, to the world at large, they're known as
the Caped Crusaders. Fearless crime fighters.

Whereas, due to the
nature of our operation...

the same world at large
looks on us as criminals.

Only a very few know different.

Hm. Sure does sound tricky.

So I'll turn my Hornet's
Sting to half maximum power.

I don't wanna get careless
and hurt Batman if we clash.

- Well, you always have your gas g*n.
- Right.

And nothing must stop
us from gaining our ends.

NARRATOR: So to the b*ttlefield.

And speaking of warfare...

Now, don't lie to
me, Colonel Gumm.

I know what I've heard and
I know what I've seen since.

All I don't know is how I
could've been so blind for so long.

- Now, the first thing we're going to do...
- Is to lock you up, Miss Pinkston.

In my office for now.

We'll take her to the warehouse later
on. First, we have to wind things up here.

And then to make my big k*ll at
the stamp exhibition tomorrow night.

No sign of Black Beauty, Robin.
We must have beaten it here.

There's an alley around the
corner. We can hide the car there.

No Batmobile. Good.

We can get some
work done first, and fast.

Holy split seconds. Let's go.

Easy, old chum.

I chanced to notice an
open window back there.

That sign on the door,
"This means you"...

- Shall we say, "This means us"?
- Us?

You should know who I am by now.

How about cutting me in
on a little piece of the action?

How big a piece?

That depends...

on how much a stamp
dealer named Boris Sevaroff...

can get for the
missing Gotham Gothic.

See, I know more
about you than you think.

We can take them all, Batman.

That's a very sophisticated-looking
piece of machinery.

Yes, it's my own invention. The
enlarged perforating and coiling machine.

Why not give it a closer look?

All right.

[GUMM LAUGHING]

He's not showing them the
machinery, he's tossing them into it.

The Green Hornet may possess
the only clue to this baffling case.

You know my motto, boys.
"Always stamp out evil."

- Boss, look.
- We move.

Let's give them a thorough
pasting. Come on, boys.

Holy flypaper, Batman.

We've all heard how the Dynamic Duo
sticks together through thick and thin.

But this time, you're
really stuck, Batman...

on an undetachable glue pad.

While the Green Hornet
and his masked companion...

are being blocked, gummed,
and perforated in that machine.

You satanic, mad stamp man.

Satanic, Batman? Who knows?

But mad stamp man,
perhaps. Ha-ha-ha!

Behold, even as we speak...

my machine is producing
a very rare stamp indeed.

Ah! Wonderful.

Shall we call him the Green Hornet?
The only stamp of its kind ever printed.

I'm sure it would be a collector's
item, if it were not for its size.

Ah, the Green Hornet makes
such a wonderful, beautiful stamp...

that I think I'll
thumb-tack him to the wall.

Holy human collector’s item.

Exactly, Boy Wonder.

As soon as I tack up the
other masked marauder...

who is even now being
perforated in that machine...

then it will be your
turns, Dynamic Duo.

Yes, I know you've
faced many deadly perils...

and escaped in many
devious manners...

but you have never been so close
to being completely stamped out...

as you are right now.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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