02x55 - Black Widow Strikes Again

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
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Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
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02x55 - Black Widow Strikes Again

Post by bunniefuu »

NARRATOR: Another
groovy day in Gotham City...

and everything seems just
right in our teeming metropolis.

But there's a new
face in the crowd.

The face of Black Widow.

Oh, good morning,
madam. May I help you?

Yes, you may, doll.

I would like to open a
tiny new savings account.

- An excellent way to start the day.
- Yes.

Come with me, please.

[BLACK WIDOW SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Thank you.

Now then, your name
and marital status.

Uh, Mrs. Max Black. Widow.

How large an initial deposit do
you wish to make, Mrs. Widow?

Mrs. Black.

[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

And now, Irv, darling...

will you bring me 20 or
30,000 from the vault?

Ah. Sir, you're an
absolute love. Ta-ta.

- How did you do, Black Widow?
- Fine, Tarantula. I have done it again.

There now, Mr. Cash, this
isn't the end of the world.

There was this strange vibration
and then I'm handing her thousands.

I couldn't stop myself.

It was as though the devil
himself was at work on you.

Or someone just as clever.

Do you mean, you
know who pulled this job?

You may not remember
but how could I ever forget.

- Black Widow.
- Black Widow.

You must be joking.

I wish I were, Chief
O'Hara, but it all points to her.

Opening a new account,
the huge handbag...

the black outfit, the
charm and fascination.

Oh, that's her, commissioner.
Quick, catch her.

Not quite that simple, I'm afraid.
But we, heh-heh, do have a chance.

T-the dynamic duet?

Duo. That's dynamic duo.

The dynamic duo indeed.

NARRATOR: At this moment, within
the walls of stately Wayne Manor...

an unveiling is taking place.

How do you like them, d*ck?

Fine, Aunt Harriet, but I already
have a pair of black pants.

Well, they're not for
you, silly. They're for me.

I've decided to go mod.
Now what do you boys think?

Tres chic, Aunt Harriet.

Every bachelor in
Gotham City will be staring.

[ALL LAUGH]

I wanted to get a miniskirt, but the sales
girl wasn't sure I had the face for it.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, Alfred, how do
you like my new outfit?

Carnaby Street has come
to Wayne Manor, madam.

- Sir.
- Yes, Alfred.

Mr. Gordon Commish is calling.

Yes, we've been
expecting his call.

Uh, excuse us, Aunt Harriet,
we may be tied up for a little while.

d*ck.

There they go, healthy as
normal and I'm such a beatnik.

Yes, commissioner.

Good to hear your voice, Batman.
You'll never guess who's in town.

- Mr. Freeze?
- No.

- Penguin, Joker?
- Black Widow has crawled into Gotham City.

We're on our way.
It's Black Widow.

- The Black Widow?
- I'm afraid so.

To the Batpoles.

"Black Widow wins her victim's confidence
by pretending to open a savings account.

Her methods of overpowering
include hypnosis, dr*gs...

and other artificial
brain stimuli."

Excuse me ignorance, Batman...

but what does a lady's
hairdryer have to do with all this?

This, Chief O'Hara, in spite of its
appearance is a brainwave Bat-Analyzer.

It registers the brainwave patterns in the
various control areas of the human brain.

Most ingenious.

Judging by her past modus operandi,
Robin and I suspect that Black Widow...

may have short-circuited a
portion of Mr. Cash's brain...

thereby rendering him
incapable of making judgments.

Oh, this is worse than I thought.
First my money, now my brain.

Easy, citizen. Whatever
she did in there will wear off.

Sit down, please.

Now, will you insert your head
in the Brainwave Bat-Analyzer.

No cause for concern, Mr. Cash.
You can be sure, if it's Batman.

If you say so.

[ROBIN SIGHS]

Cortex.

[ANALYZER EMITTING TONES]

Thalamus.

Cerebellum not impaired.

Medulla, A-okay.

Holy nerve center,
what is it, Batman?

The cerebrum, Robin.

Black Widow put Mr. Cash's
cerebrum out of commission.

He was powerless to control his
actions. You can come out now, Mr. Cash.

You... You can come
out now, Mr. Cash.

Incredible.

That secret w*apon of hers, she could
clean out every bank in Gotham City...

and we'd always be
one step behind her.

Me men are clever,
goodness knows...

but where the human brain is
concerned, they're just not equipped.

How do we stop her, Batman?

That is our problem. We
haven't a second to lose.

- Quick, Robin, the Bat-Analyzer.
- Got it.

Batman, am I
going to be all right?

Take two cold tablets
and get plenty of rest...

your cerebrum will be fine
in the morning, Mr. Cash.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, in the web...

an underground grotto
somewhere in Gotham City...

Black Widow and her
spidery companions...

are enjoying the fruits of
Black Widow's labor of love.

Ah-ah-ah!

Don't touch, Tarantula.

Well, I just wanted to run
it through my fingers, B.W.

You will have to wait.

I still have a fabulous
list of banks...

I must clean out
before we split.

Trap Door, what are you
doing out of your trap door?

- I got lonely.
- Oh, poor soul.

I don't know how
you do it, Blacky.

I tried robbing banks
when I was younger...

but I always got nailed
before I was out the door.

Incentive, Daddy Long
Legs. That's why you blew it.

But didn't your husband Max always
say that money can't buy happiness?

Happiness can't buy
money. Heh. Poor sweet Max.

[ALL LAUGH]

ROBIN: Why is it
taking so long, Batman?

Every known fact about Black Widow
has been fed into the Batcomputer.

There were over 3,000 separate
cards to collate and analyze.

Sorry, Batman, but knowing
that that arch-villainess...

may be robbing a Gotham City
Bank at this very minute bothers me.

Bother you? It should.

Just as it should bother any
red-blooded American citizen...

who recognizes
the law and obeys it.

NARRATOR: At this very minute,
at yet another Gotham City Bank...

[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

And by the way, doll...

bring me 20 or 30 thou
in small unmarked bills.

Can you do that for me?

Beneficial is here to benefit you, Mrs.
Black. You're sure that will fill your needs?

How sweet of you
to ask. Make it 40.

[BELL DINGS]

"Black Widow Lingerie.

Black Widow Weeds
Removal Service.

Black Widow Black Top Company.

Black, Widow and
Black Attorneys."

But not one single bank.

Seems to be hung
up on the word "black."

Maybe the Bat-Analyzing
gears need oiling.

[PHONE BEEPING]

- Yes, commissioner?
- It's Black Widow, Batman.

In lightning fashion, she's
just hit four more banks...

and I have an office full of angry
bank managers. Any results at your end?

Not yet,
commissioner, I'm sorry.

But I'm almost
tempted to let her...

Letter.

Give me the names of the
banks Black Widow has robbed.

Chief O'Hara, that list.

O'HARA: Excuse me, gentlemen,
excuse me. Here you are.

Ahem. Here we are, Batman.

"American, Beneficial, Commercial,
Diversified, Empire, Federal State."

It's simple as
A-B-C, commissioner.

Black Widow's going
right through the alphabet.

No wonder the Batcomputer couldn't
figure out her plan. It was too easy.

Commissioner, the next
robbery will obviously...

take place at Gotham
General Bank and Trust.

Chief O'Hara, I want every
available unit dispatched...

- to the Gotham General Bank and Trust.
- I have a better plan.

Tell Chief O'Hara and his
men to sit on their tuffets...

so to speak, and stay away from
the Gotham General Bank and Trust.

Repeat, stay away.

Robin and I are less likely
to frighten this spider away.

Pardon me.

Have you been here long, citizen?
We're looking for Black Widow.

I'm not too familiar with Gotham
City or any of its denizens, Batman.

Ciao.

Ciao.

May we see the manager,
please, it's top priority.

Do you wish to open
a new account, sir?

No, it concerns possible
criminal activity in this bank.

If you'll just follow me.

Mr. Leghorn, uh, two
gentlemen to see you.

T-two gentlemen?

No lady or Black Widow
or anything like that?

BATMAN: Batman and
Robin here, Mr. Leghorn.

Oh! Am I glad to see you.

Mr. Leghorn, we have
reason to believe...

Black Widow will attempt
to rob this bank today.

Oh! Oh.

There's no cause for alarm, Mr. Leghorn.
Robin and I will be hiding nearby.

If and when Black Widow shows up,
act naturally and do exactly as she says.

- We'll apprehend her at the right moment.
- If you say so, Batman.

[PANTING] Act naturally.

Well, we watch and wait.

Steady, Robin. It's her move.

Caught you, Black Widow.

Thought you could rob
the Gotham General Bank?

- Well?
- Mr. Leghorn, please!

I thought I told you to act naturally.
This is Mrs. Harriet Cooper...

one of Gotham City's most
law-abiding and respected citizens.

All I wanted to do was open a small
savings account for my nephew d*ck Grayson.

Forgive me, Mrs. Cooper.
Please let me explain.

- Don't bother. There's always Beneficial.
- Good for Aunt Harriet.

All right, Mr. Leghorn,
continue to act naturally.

Act naturally. Act
naturally. Act naturally.

- M-may I help you?
- How do you do, doll?

I would like to open a small savings
account. Oh, nothing pretentious.

It's her. Let's move out.

- Say, um...
- So, Black Widow, we finally meet.

How perfectly thrilling.
Ha, ha. The caped crusader.

And what a magnificent
cape it is too.

I really must have one
of those for my wardrobe.

[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

Don't waste your
energy, Black Widow.

Robin and I have been wearing anti-short
circuiting brain Bat-electrodes...

since your first
day in Gotham City.

Really, my sweet?

Well, now, how about
trying this on for size.

Bye-bye, baby. Au
revoir, Prince Charming.

Keep in touch.

[BLACK WIDOW LAUGHS]

Batman?

[SLOWLY] Feels like a
paralyzing dose of spider venom.

It should wear off presently.

Let's go after her.

She has a pretty
good head start on us.

I anticipated that.

Robin, I installed an
odor-sensitometer radar circuit.

- Holy olfactory.
- Right, Robin.

The oil-and-gas mixture from her motor
bike will register on the sensitometer...

and be picked up as a
blip on the radarscope.

All we have to do
is follow that blip.

- Ready?
- Are you, Batman?

Never readier.

[TIRES SCREECH]

- We're on target, Batman.
- But she seems to have disappeared.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

That elderly couple rocking on
the porch. Maybe they saw her.

Hello, citizens,
sorry to trouble you.

We're looking for a lady on a
motorcycle. Have you seen such a lady?

Haven't seen no lady on a bike
in, let's see, been eight to 10 years.

Wouldn't you say that, Dad?

I would say that, yes.
About eight, 10 years.

We're still getting the blips. She
must be somewhere around here.

BLACK WIDOW: Say, aren't you
that Bat fellow and that Robin fellow...

who are constantly
fighting evil?

- Right you are, ma'am.
- Keep up the good work.

Frank and I are both
categorically against evil.

Thank you, senior citizens.

They're driving away.

Ha.

Black Widow, you've
outwitted them again.

WOMAN [ON RECORDING]: Say, aren't you
that Bat fellow and that Robin fellow...

who are constantly
fighting evil?

Sounds perfectly normal on the
Bat-Tape Reader, doesn't it, Robin?

Just the way it was picked up by
the Batmobile's ultrasonic recorder.

Activate the Bat-Scilloscope.

Now let's watch and listen.

Say, aren't you that Bat
fellow and that Robin fellow...

who are constantly
fighting evil?

- No doubt about it.
- About what, Batman?

That what we heard at the old frame
house were amplified human voices.

To the Batmobile.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Look, Robin.

ROBIN: Three hours and
they're still going strong.

Thought they'd be off their
rockers by now, eh, Robin?

Yeah.

Come on, Robin.

Rubber.

So the voice we heard on that recording
was really sweet, little old Black Widow.

Question, when you chase a spider,
where does he or she usually hide?

Answer, under the house.

Darlings, we're about
to play a dear little game.

Spider and the fly.

Come closer and pay attention.

Strict attention.

Robin, over here.

BLACK WIDOW [OVER SPEAKER]:
Welcome to the web, darling duo.

Sic them, boys.

Ow!

Batman!

So, Latrodectus mactans, commonly known
as Black Widow, caught in your own web, eh?

There is nothing common
about me, dynamic doll.

And as for being
caught in my own web...

may I give you a tiny,
little piece of advice?

If you wish to
live and thrive...

let the spider run alive.

Not a chance after
all the evil you've done.

Oh, well then, I'm afraid I
must do another evil deed.

BATMAN: Not tonight, unless you
can arrange it from the Gotham City Jail.

[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

Batman, my arms
and legs, I'm stuck.

How ironic.

Now it is you who
are caught in my web.

Frightfully cunning
of me, don't you think?

You may have a slight
advantage now but...

Dear Heart, you may be caped...

and you may be dynamic...

but to me you are
a crashing bore.

So voila.

I had them skip their dinner...

so they would
thoroughly enjoy you.

[MEN LAUGH]

And now my lieutenants and I...

are going to tunnel into my
vault and count our lovely loot.

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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