02x56 - Caught in the Spider's Den

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: When last we
saw the Caped Crusaders...

they were trapped in Black
Widow's giant cobweb...

about to be bitten by two
deadly Black Widow spiders.

Are the heroes headed for
that great Batcave in the sky?

In scant seconds, the
answer will be yours.

Batman, he's almost on me.

He is a she, Robin. Only the
female of the species is venomous.

And mine is almost upon me also.

I've freed my right hand.

Now if I can just reach the
mini charge in my utility belt.

I've got it.

Brace yourself for a shock of 5000 volts,
Robin. We'll be stunned for a split second.

But the cobweb will act as a conductor,
and the spiders will be electrocuted.

- Hurry, Batman. She's ready to bite me.
- Now.

Good going, Batman. I
thought we were dead ducks.

I'm sure Black Widow thinks
we're dead bats about now.

What was that exit line of hers?

Something about "My lieutenants
and I are going to tunnel into my vault."

Tunnel, that's how most
crooks get into vaults.

But into her own vault?

And she couldn't have gotten far.
She's left the Black Widow Cycle here.

This must be it.

And two for me.

Two for you. And two for me.

Two for you.

I wouldn't grow too attached to all
of that if I were you, Black Widow.

For heaven's sake,
look who's here.

You didn't count on us, did you,
you sophisticated but evil woman?

As a matter of fact, no.

But how fiendishly
clever of you.

And how handsome
you are, Bat-doll.

Watch out for a trick, Batman.

Don't worry, Robin. She won't
catch us off guard this time.

You needn't try to short
circuit our brains, Black Widow.

We're still wearing our anti-short
circuit Bat-brain electrodes.

Batman, I've lost
one of my electrodes.

Bad luck, old chum, but
perhaps I can pull off a bluff.

No amount of UHF short circuiting
can affect the brain of either Robin or me.

Are you definitely wearing
your electrodes, darlings?

- Definitely.
- Definitely.

Marvelous, because
I've reversed...

the polarity on my
brainwave short circuiter.

Just an added little precaution.

And with the electrodes
on, you've had it.

[BUZZING]

You, she-devil. Have you
short circuited Batman's brain?

No cause for alarm,
Robin. I feel fine, just fine.

You see, Robin baby.

Now be a good
little Boy Wonder...

and do just as I say.

No, I will not submit
to your treachery!

Trap Door, sweetie
pie, you're needed.

Wrap up Robin, my boys.

Ah! Very good, kiddies. You're
learning the business. Ha-ha-ha.

Now, is there anything I
can do for you, Black Widow?

As a matter of fact, there is. I
have a perfectly devastating idea.

Masked Muscles, you go back
through the tunnel into my main web...

and have a little drink to the
latest development. Ha, ha.

- How does that grab you, doll?
- Fine.

- Could we take Robin along too?
- But of course.

No Robin, no Dynamic Duo.

- N'est-ce pas?
- Ha, ha.

Now, I imagine Robin
is getting a bit heavy?

Boys, I'm sure the Bat-doll
would like to get rid of him.

Better tie him up.

Well, Bat-doll, perhaps you
would like some champagne?

I never touch spirits.
Have you some milk?

Milk? Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, maybe Trap Door has some.

Trap Door, have you
got any milk in there?

Thank you.

- Perhaps you'd like to mix your own.
- Thank you.

Delicious milk.

Well, now, my dear, this may
come as a surprise to you...

but I have a little problem.

You, Black Widow? I
thought business was good.

Business is boring. I've
completely run out of banks to rob.

I've run through them all. Now,
that's where you may come in handy.

Me? How?

Well, everyone's heard
about your Batcave...

and everyone's heard about
your Batcomputer in your Batcave.

Oh.

You want me to get the
Batcomputer to give you a bank to rob.

Precisely. Do you think
that you could send for it?

We don't have to send for it.

I have right here
in my Utility Belt...

a remote control
Batcomputer oscillator.

BLACK WIDOW: Oh, heh.

- How convenient. How does it work?
- Simple. I just press this button...

and it activates the radio
frequency Bat-generator.

- And I just talk to it?
- No, I talk into it.

It wouldn't
recognize your voice.

Now, question:

Is there any bank
in Gotham City...

which Black Widow
has not robbed?

My word, wherever he is...

Batman must be operating his
remote control Batcomputer oscillator.

[DINGS]

Ah. Here we are.

The just-opened Heritage
First National Bank.

How perfectly lovely. Ha-ha-ha!

Again? It must be
adding something.

Wait a minute, it's
sending a further message.

- What is, darling?
- Here.

"Seen with Black Widow.
Batman's life in great danger?"

Oh, it really seems as if your criminal
career is over even before it starts.

But I am certainly not
going to risk your life.

Let's take the gamble.

Batcomputer's known to be wrong when
it's elected to go off on its own, right?

Ah, ha, ha. No, but I
have a brilliant idea.

Tarantula, go upstairs,
get Grandpa off his rocker...

and bring him down here quickly.

Batman, you wouldn't by any chance
happen to have an extra Batsuit...

just kind of lying
around, would you?

Oh, yes, as a
matter of fact, we do.

Lovely. Lovely.

Now, Tarantula, I want
you to bring my makeup kit...

and I want you to make Grandpa
to look exactly like Batman...

and I will make myself up
to look exactly like Robin.

Now, look here, darling, I
want you to call the manager...

of the just-opened
Heritage First National Bank.

You may use my
Web Phone. Try it.

NARRATOR: While Black Widow hatches her
plot, at Commissioner Gordon's office...

I don't know what he's doing
behind that mask of his...

but at least there haven't been
any bank robberies in quite a while.

- That's a good sign, isn't it, Chief O'Hara?
- A very good sign.

Caped Crusader probably has Black Widow
under lock and key at this very minute.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Commissioner Gordon.
- This is Irving Irving...

at the just-opened
Heritage First National Bank.

- Yes, Mr. Irving.
- I just had a call from Batman.

He wants me to take $40,000 in a
brown paper bag to the front of the bank...

- at exactly 11:43 this morning.
- Well, that sounds odd, Mr. Irving.

He says the Batmobile
will be parked there.

And he's arranged for Black Widow to
meet him and they will split the money.

Oh, well, then
do it by all means.

- Thank you for calling, Mr. Irving.
- All right, commissioner.

Ha!

Apparently, Batman is springing a
trap on Black Widow. That's good.

Are you sure you're gonna be able to drive
the Batmobile from the passenger side?

BLACK WIDOW: Perfectly,
Tarantula. What time is it, doll?

Exactly 11:37.

Got to run, sweetheart. Keep
an eye on the Dynamic Duo.

While my Batman
and Robin do their stuff.

Ta-da, darling.

Well, Chief O'Hara, Black Widow's
caper should be just about over.

And I should be hearing
from Batman now.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes, right on schedule.

Why isn't he calling
on the Batphone?

Commissioner
Gordon. Ah, ha-ha-ha.

Ro... Robin did
what, Mr. Irving?

Oh.

Thank you for calling, sir. Yes,
we'll get out a bulletin right away.

Glory be, commissioner.
What's wrong?

The just-opened Heritage First
National Bank has just been robbed.

- By Batman and Robin.
- Saints preserve us.

Yes, indeed, saints preserve us if the
Caped Crusaders have gone crooked.

Which apparently they have.

Mr. Irving could hardly have
dreamed that this happened.

Chief O'Hara, I want an APB to
all units for the arrest of Batman.

Hopefully alive, but we'll take
him the other way if we have to.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Attention
all units. Be on alert for Batman.

First name unknown. Caucasian.

Height: 6'2, wearing purple
trunks, purple cape, purple cowl...

and a black bat
insignia on his chest.

He has a masked accomplice
whose alias is Robin.

Approach with caution.
They may be armed.

[SIREN WAILING]

I hate to do it, Caped Crusader,
but I have to take you in.

You're on the wanted list.

My g*n's pointed at you, Caped
Crusader. Don't make me use it.

BLACK WIDOW: Think
Batman is afraid of you, Copper?

Go on and sh**t. I dare you.

What's happened
to you, Boy Wonder?

Even your voice
has turned snarly.

None of your business, Flatfoot.

Now, go ahead and sh**t,
because you'll never take us alive.

Batman, I'm giving you three to
get out of the car with your hands up.

One.

Two.

Three.

I couldn't have missed
at such close range.

I've k*lled Batman!

Red six on a black seven!

I certainly don't
wish to be rude...

but normally the game of solitaire
requires only one player. Ha, ha.

Oh, come on, Batman,
cheat a little. Or it ain't no fun!

[CHUCKLES]

Why don't you two kibitzers go
outside and wait for Black Widow?

- All that loot. Sure.
- Yes.

Trap Door!

Come on.

[GRUNTS]

[WHISTLING]

Batman.

- Who untied you?
- I untied myself.

- Was that wise?
- Yes.

And I want you to do me a favor.

- What?
- Sing a song for me.

- Loud.
- Oh.

All right. Ahem.

- How about some Gilbert and Sullivan?
- Fine.

Ha, ha.

[SINGING] I'm
called little Buttercup

Dear little Buttercup

Though I could never tell why

A little louder.

But still I'm called Buttercup

Pool little Buttercup

Sweet little Buttercup, I

[BUZZING]

Robin? What's happening?

Batman, I want you to come
with me later today and rob a bank.

Robin, don't even
joke about such a thing.

Have you lost all your
sense of judgment?

Holy reverse polarity, I did it!

I got you out of Black
Widow's clutches!

Of course, I knew
what I was doing...

but with my cerebrum short
circuited I couldn't stop myself.

You sit down here,
Robin. I'll retie your hands...

and pretend that my
brain is still short circuited.

Sure and it's a dark hour in
Gotham City, commissioner.

Yes.

But I was faced with the
decision and I had to make it.

How will we be breaking
the news to the people?

We'll tell them the truth.

Batman was sh*t and
k*lled when he and Robin...

Robin?

No doubt he's gone into hiding.

Most likely in the Batcave.

Maybe I can talk to him.
Get him to surrender.

So no more of the
Dynamic Duo's blood...

will be spilled on the
streets of our fair city.

I'm sorry, sir.
Batman is not here.

I know that.

- We've lost the Caped Crusader.
- Lost?

One of our officers was
forced to sh**t Batman.

And the Boy Wonder has
become one of Gotham City's...

ten most wanted men. Boys.

Is he there hiding out?

No, I'm afraid not, sir.

But... But isn't it possible
that a mistake has been made?

No mistake was made. Why?

Well, it's a long and
rather involved story, sir.

You see, earlier today, Batman
activated the Batcomputer...

via his remote control
Batcomputer oscillator.

Remote control?

I took the liberty...

of getting some information
from the, uh, Batcomputer myself.

Batman activated the computer...

from, uh, "411 Larva Drive."

- 411 Larva Drive.
- Larva Drive.

Sounds like a good place
for Black Widow's hideout.

Thank you. We'll
get on it right away.

Get some men and some
squad cars, and let's go.

I'm back, boys.

Well, now, after a brief
encounter with the law...

and a quick change in the lady's lounge...
Oh, Grandpa's back too on the porch.

Guess what I have
in this tiny little bag.

- More stolen money?
- What else?

Oh, Batman, you
were out of this world.

And, of course,
I was adorable...

as baby Boy Wonder.

Robin's pretty good
as a Boy Wonder too.

You bet I am, Batman.

Let's get them.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Now, what did I do with that
silly short circuiting device?

You mean, what did I do
with it, you obsessed woman.

[BUZZING]

BATMAN: Black Widow.

First of all, Robin and I will wanna return
all the stolen moneys to banks A through H.

What a perfect idea.

- And secondly...
GORDON: Batman.

Oh, it's really you.

In cape and cowl,
commissioner. Why?

- I'll explain later, but thank heaven.
- And this is Black Widow.

So you're the she-devil who's been
robbing us out of house and home.

Oh, you must be Chief O'Hara.

What a delightful surprise.

Why don't you ask her if she'd like to
go along to jail with you, Chief O'Hara?

Oh, don't ask.

My heart says no...

but my brain says yes, love.

BATMAN: I feel it's my
responsibility to tell you...

that you have the constitutional
right to consult with your attorney...

- before answering any questions.
- Ah!

But I want to
answer his questions.

Sweetheart, I cannot tell you how much
you remind me of my dear departed Max.

- You'd better come with me, Black Widow.
- Thank you.

Goldberg, you take
care of the rest of them.

I can't wait to see
how it turns out, angel.

If it really looks good, I'd love to
have you come over every day...

and give me a wash and set.

Why don't we have a look?

Ah!

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

And only Batman knows for sure.

Batman there's a question I got to
be asking you and the Boy Wonder.

Yes, chief?

With all the crime that you and
Robin should be out fighting...

how do you find time to come
here and fix Black Widow's coiffeur?

Those aren't hair
dryers, Chief O'Hara.

They're Bat Wave Brain Analyzers,
which Robin and I have slightly rewired.

Oh, you mean you're
not really fixing their hair?

Right. What we're doing
is decriminalizing them.

It may take months of treatment,
but we feel it's worth a try.

If we can permanently short
circuit the bad streaks in them...

we will make honest useful
citizens out of those spidery crooks.

Chief O'Hara, do you
realize what time it is?

I'm famished.

Please bring me a menu, doll.

And don't forget the wine list.

BATMAN: You heard the
lady, chief. Get a menu.

Yes. Yes, ma'am.

A menu and a wine list.
I'll see if I can locate them.

Divine, darling.
Absolutely divine.