02x57 - Pop Goes the Joker

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: A picturesque
day in Gotham city.

Even more
picturesque than usual.

And in one of the many picturesque art galleries
where culture-loving Gothamites gather...

Are you interested in
purchasing the painting, sir?

Not for myself.

But my employer,
millionaire Bruce Wayne...

is very interested in
acquiring an original Muzzy.

Oh, you don't say. Well, then perhaps
you'd like to meet the artist himself.

- It would be a pleasure.
- No sooner said than done.

This way.

- Mr...
- Alfred will do.

Mr. Alfred, allow me to present
Mr. Oliver Muzzy, beloved American artist.

It's an honor.

[SNORTS]

Hey, this an outrage.
An outrage against art.

An insult, I say.

Oh, ha-ha-ha!

Ugliness, monstrosity,
horribility. Ha, ha.

Look at that.

You call that art?

And this thing. Pah!

Disgusting. Oh, ho, ho.

And this, worse and worse.

Oh, this ugliness must
be destroyed. Ha, ha.

Down with ugliness.
Away with dullness.

[LAUGHING]

Take this. Take this
and that. Ha-ha-ha!

Take that.

[LAUGHING]

Take that.

Fiend. Monster.

I'd appreciate your mentioning
it to Mr. Wayne at once.

- All right, Alfred. I'll tell him right away.
- Thank you, madam.

[LAUGHING]

Take that, take that and that.

Aunt Harriet.

Oh, Bruce, Alfred just
called from the Park gallery.

He's found a painting he
thinks you'll be very interested in.

- Mm-hm.
- It's called, uh, "The Laughing Man."

Well, that sounds very
interesting, Aunt Harriet.

d*ck and I will go down
and have a look at it now.

Oh, I do hope
you like it, Bruce.

- The Laughing Man?
- That's Alfred's way of telling us...

that one of Gotham City's arch
villains is at Park Gallery right now.

Holy tip-off, Joker.

Exactly, and I think you better continue
your education at the Park Gallery as Robin.

To the Bat-poles.

What happened
to the signs, Bruce?

Alfred removed them to
put a new coat of paint.

Good old, Alfred.

[LAUGHING]

- Batman. Thank heavens.
- Unh!

Stay back, you caped clunk-heads
or I'll turn you into a paisley shawl.

From the stains on your g*n barrel, I'd say
you're using very soft b*ll*ts these days.

[GRUNTING]

Ugh. Internal injuries.
I'm going to die.

I hope you do,
you finagling fiend.

Batman, did you see
what he did to the pictures?

Priceless works of
art destroyed forever.

Think of the loss to posterity
and the loss to my profits.

Yes, the damage is irreparable.

But at least you can be sure the Joker won't
be doing any more decorating for a long time.

He's destroyed the work of
America's most beloved artists.

Shut up, you bubbling buffoon.

I have been trying to paint
this modern stuff for years.

I could never
get the hang of it.

All I could ever draw is stupid
looking farm boys and puppy dogs.

Now this, ha, ha, this is art.

Mr. Joker, let me
congratulate you.

Your work is magnificent.

Holy hoaxes.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, well, excuse
my appearance, Mr. Muzzy...

but, yes, these uncultured boobs
have no appreciation for fine art.

MUZZY: Obviously.

By the way, Mr. Joker, would you consider
sharing the credits for those paintings?

- After all, mine are underneath.
- Why not? Ha, ha!

A 50-50 split. I
mean co-authorship.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Peasant. Philistine. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, what can you expect from a man who
appears in public in such a ridiculous outfit?

[LAUGHING]

There, Batman, now you're wearing
an original Joker, signed by the artist.

Ha-ha-ha!

Come, boys. Let's leave this
zoo full of bourgeois baboons.

And henceforth, Batman,
stay out of art galleries, hmm?

Ooh, ha-ha-ha!

Are we just going to
let him walk out of here?

We have no choice, Robin.
He's committed no crime.

As a matter of fact, he's increased
the value of these paintings.

I think we should discuss this
with Commissioner Gordon.

The nerve of that clown.
Paint all over your shirt.

Batman, you should have
cracked his pate for him.

His damage to me is
unimportant, Chief O'Hara.

What concerns us is his
potential damage to Gotham City.

I'm sure Joker has some larger
scheme of which this only the first step.

You're right, Batman.

That crook has something up
his sleeve besides his elbow.

I'd suggest putting some extra guards
at all the museums, commissioner.

What about some of the
valuable private collections?

GORDON: Right, Boy Wonder.

You keep them under close
surveillance, Chief O'Hara.

I'll watch over them like a
mother hen, commissioner.

That's about all we can do
until Joker makes a move.

To the Batcave, Robin.

I'm sorry about not
having a clean costume, sir.

I meant to wash them, but I've been so
busy trying to get the Bat-poles repainted.

First things first, Alfred.

Batman, there's an interesting notice in the
current issue of the Gotham City Art News.

Mm.

That is interesting.

[BEEPING]

- Yes, commissioner.
GORDON: A bit of news, Batman.

Believe it or not, the Joker has been invited to
enter the Gotham City International Art Contest.

Yes, I just found
out about it myself.

I plan to have 50 plainclothesmen
at the contest, Batman.

That's likely to put Joker
on his guard, commissioner.

Perhaps it would be wiser
to plant just one man there.

Preferably a man who
knows Baby Jane Towser...

the wealthy young socialite
who organized the contest.

Yeah, I've got it.

Bruce Wayne, the
millionaire philanthropist.

He's cooperated with us
many times in the past...

and travels in the same
social circles as Towser.

Excellent idea, commissioner.

I suggest that you call Mr. Wayne
immediately and apprise him of the situation.

Right, Batman.

Why is Joker
entering that contest?

Especially since they're
not offering a cash prize.

NARRATOR: And so the next
day at the Gotham City Art Center...

Ladies and gentlemen...

before we begin Gotham
City's International Art Contest...

I'd like to introduce the five world
famous artists who are competing.

The renowned Spanish artist, well
known for his pink and blue periods...

Mr. Pablo Pincus.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm sure you all know our
American artist, Mr. Jackson Potluck.

[APPLAUSE]

The noted Italian artist...

painter of the world famous
fresco Midnight Snack...

Leonardo Davinsky.

[APPLAUSE]

And the Dutch artist, founder of
the Neo Gamon School of Art...

Mr. Vincent Van Gauche.

[APPLAUSE]

And now, finally, Gotham City's
own entry in the art contest...

the Joker.

[APPLAUSE]

How can they
clap for that crook?

Don't forget, d*ck, this is a hometown
crowd and Joker is from Gotham City.

The artists have three
minutes to complete a painting.

At the end of that time, the judges will
select a winner and award the grand prize.

Ready, artists? On
your mark, get set...

[SHOUTS IN ITALIAN]

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Modern art tends to be
rather unrestrained, d*ck.

- Unrestrained?
- Yes.

Governor Stonefellow should
declare this place a disaster area.

- Isn't it magnificent?
- Glorious.

[LAUGHING]

Joker, the time is almost up and
you haven't started your painting.

Started? My dear,
I've almost finished.

Oh, yes, every line in
place, every color balanced.

Just needs one
more little touch.

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Now, gentlemen, let us consider
the works of these marvelous artists.

Interesting use of color.

A fine example
of, uh, neorealism.

Ah. Excellent
harmonic composition.

A fine study in abstract.

What is that?

My painting is titled,
Death of a Mauve Bat.

Where is the bat?

Well, the bat,
gentlemen, is dead.

It d*ed in 1936, a
very bad year for bats.

Of course, the bat
is dead. It's symbolic.

JUDGE: Symbolic of what?

The emptiness of
modern life. What else?

Gentlemen, come with me.

There's absolutely no doubt
about who the winner is.

- I kind of like what the monkey did.
- I think our decision should be unanimous.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm
very pleased to announce...

that the winner of the Gotham City
International Art Contest is the Joker.

[LAUGHING & AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Joker's painting,
Death of a Mauve Bat...

will hang in an honored place
in the Gotham City Museum.

- I don't believe it, Bruce.
- As winner of the grand prize...

I would like to announce the opening
of a new school for aspiring artists...

where I personally will instruct my
students in the secrets of modern art.

Yes, applications for the Joker Art Institute
are now being accepted by my assistants.

Sorry, millionaires
only, please.

I want to be the very first
student in your art school...

you big hunk of genius, you.

Well, of course, my dear.

Your filthy rich daddy is several
times a millionaire, I believe.

Oh, yes, I'm the heiress to
the paperclip fortune, you know?

Oh, well, sign
right here, please.

I begin to see Joker's plan.

He wins the contest so
he can start an art school.

In which he enrolls
only millionaires.

In which case, he should welcome
millionaire Bruce Wayne as a student.

Joker, I'd like to enroll
in your new art institute.

Well, if it isn't billionaire, Bruce
Wayne, the wealthy philanthropist.

Consider yourself enrolled.

Aren't you going to give me a
test to see whether I have talent?

Oh, the rich, the well-born and
the able, Mr. Wayne, all have talent.

Especially the rich.

[LAUGHING]

We're getting a good strong signal from
that homing device Bruce has in his pocket.

The Bat-radarscope indicates
that he's at Location RIP-478.

- Please check that on the Batcomputer, Alfred.
- Very good.

[DINGS]

Location RIP-478 is a
building on Eleanor Place.

Bruce is carrying a miniature
Bat-communicator under his jacket lapel.

He'll let us know if
Joker tries anything.

JOKER: Good morning,
dear students. Good morning.

My, but it's good to see you all
working so diligently. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, we are a happy
cheery group, aren't we?

Oh, today's lesson
is in still-life sculpture.

I shall walk around you and
give you my criticism as you work.

Oh, very good, Mrs.
Putney. Very good.

Oh, but this orange
is not quite right.

Oh, Joker, that's not
an orange. It's a pear.

Oh, but of course, Mrs.
Putney. Of course. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, keep up the good work.

[LAUGHING]

Ooh, ha, ha! Well, you're making
splendid progress, Mrs. Van Dormer.

Yeah. Ew. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, yes, now
stick to it. Stick to it.

Well, now, barbed wire is the
medium of the future, Mrs. Runcilmeyer.

But that is no way
to make a banana.

Now that is a banana.

[LAUGHING]

Baby Jane? Baby Jane?

- How do you like my work?
- Oh, fine. First rate.

Fruitiest sculpture I ever saw.

But I'm not sculpting
the fruit. I'm sculpting you.

- Me?
- Didn't you recognize it?

Oh, but of course I
recognize it. Ha-ha-ha.

I just didn't realize
I was so handsome.

Ew.

Well, that's terrible.
Terrible, Wayne.

Why, even a 3-year-old
could do better than that.

Here, let me show you.

- Oh, there. That's more like it. Ha, ha.
- Yes, I see what you mean.

That's about the
level of a 3-year-old.

I do the jokes
around here, Wayne.

I'd say that was one
of your better ones.

Oh, you're very funny, Wayne.

[LAUGHING]

But the joke's on you.

Come in, boys.

No heroics, Wayne, or
the women might get hurt.

I should have known someone like
you would hide behind the women.

[JOKER LAUGHS]

- Joker, how could you?
JOKER: Ah, tut, tut, my dear.

We artists should not be
judged by ordinary standards.

We're a very special breed.

You're a special
breed, all right.

Oh, button your lip, Wayne, or
you'll be buttoning your shroud.

You'll all be happy to learn ransom notes
have already been sent to your families.

You each own a valuable
renaissance art collection...

which will be delivered to
me in exchange for your lives.

[CHUCKLING]

Tie them up.

Something's wrong, Alfred.

It's not like Joker to go this long
without trying some underhanded trick.

[PHONE BEEPING]

- Yes, commissioner?
GORDON: Oh, Boy Wonder?

I'm afraid we've put our friend,
Bruce Wayne, in terrible danger.

Joker's kidnapped the art
class and sent out ransom notes.

- We don't even know where he's holding them.
- Holy hostage.

I think Batman and I can
find him, commissioner.

- Will you need help?
- We can handle it.

If the police show up,
innocent people might be hurt.

Something must have happened
to Bruce's Bat-communicator, Alfred.

I'd better get down to
Joker's studio right away.

You stay here and watch the Bat-radarscope
in case Joker moves while I'm en route.

I'll take the
emergency Bat-tunnel.

It comes out on Highway One and
I can catch a bus to Gotham City.

Your families had better
send the loot pretty soon...

or you'll all find yourself
at the bottom of the river.

Even me, Joker?

Oh, I'm sorry, my dear,
but business is business.

Mm. And as for you, Wayne, I
hope your family doesn't deliver.

I'd enjoy dropping you
in the drink. Ha-ha-ha!

I hope you're better
at that than at painting.

Oh, you go too far,
Wayne. You go too far.

- Joker.
- What?

[ALL GRUNTING]

[JOKER LAUGHING]

The nerve of that rich smart aleck, thinking
he could match wits with me, the Joker.

- Why ain't Batman here, Joker?
- Because he's afraid of me, you dolt.

Yes, I knew the day would come
when his spine would turn to Bat-jelly.

Yes, I'm only sorry he isn't here to enjoy
a special surprise I cooked up for him.

Yes.

But Bruce Wayne
will do as a substitute.

I'm beginning to dislike
him as much as Batman.

My newest artistic
creation, the Mobile.

[LAUGHING]

Too bad that chicken-hearted
Batman isn't here to die on it.

Batman is no more afraid
of you than he is a flea.

And I know Batman well
enough to be sure of it.

Ah, no use trying
to alibi for him.

The Caped Crusader has
turned Cowled Coward.

Yes. Ha-ha-ha.

And you'll soon discover that
the Mobile is very mobile. Yes.

As soon as I leave here, I will activate
a motor that will start it rotating.

Yes. Let's see how long you can dodge these
razor sharp palette knives, Boy Bumpkin.

[LAUGHING]

Holy hamburger, I'll be cut
to pieces by these blades.

Stay with it, old chum, while
I try to loosen these ropes.

But by the time you're free,
there'll be nothing left of me.

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]