03x01 - Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Every day in
Gotham City brings new surprises...

but this day is
going to top them all.

Although it begins none
too differently, just wait.

Just wait.

Well, we've managed to clip
Catwoman's claws once again.

She won't be troubling
Gotham City for a long while.

She sure led us a chase, Batman.

If I never hear another one of
those meows, it'll be too soon.

I'm afraid your eardrums
aren't going to get much rest...

or had you forgotten
that we invited...

Chief O'Hara and Commissioner
Gordon to the opera tonight?

That's right.

Batman, maybe I should stay
home tonight. Homework, you know?

I think you should acquire a taste for opera,
Robin, as one does for poetry and olives.

Besides, Commissioner Gordon is bringing
his daughter, Barbara, along as my date.

So?

So tonight is d*ck
Grayson's night...

for musical appreciation
and the social amenities.

NARRATOR: While at the Gotham City Library,
where one of the newer librarians...

is leaving for her night of
culture and social graces...

- Good night, Drusilla. See you in the morning.
- Good night, Barbara.

[PHONE RINGS]

Gotham City Public Library.

Oh, Commissioner
Gordon, how are you?

I'm fine. Thank you.

Yes, she's right
here. Just a moment.

- It's your father, Barbara.
- Hi, Daddy.

You haven't forgotten
about the opera, have you?

How could I? It's The Marriage
of Figaro, my very favorite opera.

Besides, um, I'm looking forward to
seeing our host, millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Well, he's gonna get
quite a surprise tonight.

He hasn't seen you since you
went away to college four years ago.

And you're twice as pretty
now as you were then.

Ha, ha. Another one of your
unbiased opinions, Daddy.

Any good police commissioner must
always remain unbiased, Barbara. Ha, ha.

Seven, your apartment. Bruce Wayne
is meeting us there to pick you up.

- I'll be ready.
- Bye.

Bye.

NARRATOR: Later, Barbara Gordon enters
the lobby of her midtown apartment house...

unaware of imminent danger.

Welcome to the
cage, my wild dove.

Hwah, hwah, hwah.

- Penguin.
- What a tasty little squab she is too.

Trust Penguin to have a surefire
recipe for pigeon pie. Hwah, hwah, hwah.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Barbara.

That's odd, Chief O'Hara.

Maybe she just stepped out
for a minute, commissioner.

But she knew we'd be here at 7.

And that afternoon paper
was delivered hours ago.

Why didn't she take it inside?

Uh... Ha, ha.

Our secret.

Looks as if she hasn't
even been home from work.

I don't understand it.

Where can she be?

NARRATOR: You'd be very
surprised to find out, commissioner...

for your daughter is only
20 feet away from you...

in the very next apartment.

[PENGUIN CHUCKLING]

You'll have to admit, this is
a stroke of genius, my love.

Hiding you out in this vacant
apartment right next to your very own.

It's the last place in Gotham City
anybody would think of looking for you.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

What's going on there?

Gordon and O'Hara just
went into the apartment, Pengy.

And here comes Bruce Wayne
and that witless ward of his.

I think it's time for my
surprise telephone call.

[CHUCKLING]

Hello, commissioner,
Chief O'Hara.

- Where's Barbara?
- She's not here.

- Not here?
- And I'm worried. It's not like her at all.

[PHONE RINGING]

That's probably her
calling you right now.

I hope you're
right, Chief O'Hara.

- Hello?
- Hello, commissioner.

Police Commissioner Gordon?

Guess who this is.
Hwah, hwah, hwah!

Penguin. It's Penguin.

Yes, I just called to
say hello, commissioner.

By the way, you didn't happen to
be missing anything lately, did you?

Missing? Miss...

Barbara.

You've got Barbara,
you feathered fiend.

Hush, hush, sir.

Is that any way to speak
to your daughter's guardian?

Penguin, if you harm her...

if you so much as touch
one hair on her head...

I'll... I'll...

- You'll do what?
- I'll...

Let me talk to him, commissioner.
This is Bruce Wayne.

Oh, the millionaire joyboy.

What can I do for you?

Penguin, I'll pay whatever price you ask,
as long as you do not harm Barbara Gordon.

Harm her? Fa!

I'm gonna make her the
happiest girl in Gotham City.

And you might take a look at
this evening's Gotham City Times.

- The Gotham City Times?
- That's right.

The society section. Hwah, hwah.

What was that about
the Gotham City Times?

He said something about the
society page. Let's see if I can find it.

- Oh, no.
- What is it, Bruce?

What does it say?

"The Penguin, well-known entrepreneur
and man-about-town announced today...

his forthcoming marriage to Ms. Barbara
Gordon, daughter of police commissioner..."

Marriage?

What's going on? What
does it mean, Bruce?

Why, Barbara would never
consent to marry that scoundrel.

Of course not, commissioner.
That's why he kidnapped her.

He'll thr*aten her and
he'll force her to consent.

- But why? d*ck: By
marrying your daughter...

Penguin becomes son-in-law
of the commissioner.

Exactly, d*ck. He hopes to
gain immunity from prosecution...

by becoming a member
of the family, as it were.

And I think he fully intends to
go through with it, commissioner.

There is only one
man who can help me.

Batman?

Yes, chief.

Batman.

I'm afraid you'll
have to go without us.

Well, we're in no mood for
the opera, commissioner.

If there's anything I can do, you
can telephone me at Wayne Manor.

Thank you, Bruce, from
the bottom of a father's heart.

Yeah, my sweet guinea hen.

Soon, you and I will be joined
in the holy bonds of matrimony.

Really, Penguin, all that
waddling around you do...

must have scrambled your brains.

Don't be cocky,
my little chicken.

If you won't marry me, I'll have
to put plan B into operation...

which is being
rehearsed right over there.

Show plan B to my
little bride-to-be, boys.

Penguin, you monster. You
wouldn't dare hurt my father.

Oh, yes, I would, and I will.

Now, you make up your mind.

Either you become my bride
or you become an orphan.

Which is it?

- Put plan B into operation.
- No.

I'll marry you. Just
leave my father alone.

That's what I like to hear.
Obedience. That is the first wifely virtue.

Now, a couple of you finks go on out,
and put the snatch on a minister. Quick.

What kind of minister, Pengy?

Any minister, you fink.

I wanna get this
thing over with...

before the Dynamic
Dunderheads put the snatch on me.

Don't worry, boss. We'll
get you to the church on time.

That's it. Here
you are, my love.

Now, I'll tell you that in the adjacent
bedroom is a lovely wedding gown.

I want you to put it on and wear it
with radiance like any blushing bride.

I am not blushing.

- I'm furious!
- Ooh.

[BEEPING]

Yes, commissioner. Mm.

Yes, I suspected as much.

Robin and I knew something was wrong
as soon as we saw the evening paper.

We'll use the Batcomputer to make
a list of all of Penguin's hideouts.

We'll telephone as
soon as it finishes.

We'll get her back,
commissioner.

Where's Alfred? He can give
us a hand with the computations.

Unfortunately, Robin,
he's out for the evening.

He's meeting with his minister
to discuss a church supper.

I do hope the church
supper is a success, Alfred.

We badly need the money
for our summer camp.

- I'm sure it will be, Reverend Hazlitt.
- If it is successful...

the congregation will owe
you a great debt of thanks.

The only thanks I need is the knowledge
that some underprivileged youngsters...

will have a chance to enjoy a few
weeks in the country this summer.

All right, which one
of you is the minister?

- Why do you ask?
- Because we're taking him with us, pops.

- Are you it?
- Yes.

- Wait... ALFRED: I shall
be quite all right, I assure you.

Tie that one up. I'll take the
preacher back to the hideout.

- Move it, preach.
- I beg your pardon?

MAN: I said, move it.

Of course.

Did you hear something, Robin?

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

It's Alfred's emergency
belt-buckle Batcall signal.

- He's in trouble.
- Holy complications.

First Barbara Gordon is
kidnapped, now Alfred is in trouble.

Yes, it's just possible that
the two events are related.

But how, Batman?

I don't know. Yet.

The first thing to
do is to locate Alfred.

Man the Batradarscope.

Roger.

- Batradarscope on.
- Check.

I'll feed Alfred's signal
into the Batradarscope.

Got it. He's at location B-7642.

"B-7642."

Holy complications
indeed, Robin.

This is one of Penguin's
possible hideouts.

To the Batmobile.

A number one
hitch and no slipup.

Now, the ravishing
bride is in there.

Come on, coach her on her lines.

If I don't hear a nice "I do"...

you'll be visiting heaven
instead of talking about it.

- Miss?
- Reverend.

There's no time to explain.

I must trust in your discretion
as a man of the cloth.

You mustn't reveal my secret.

But I don't know your secret. I
don't even know who you are.

[BIRD CAWING]

Not now, Charlie.
I'm in a hurry.

NARRATOR: What
in the world is this?

Revolving walls?

Hidden rooms?

Disguises? What is
Barbara Gordon's secret?

You are about to witness
the coup of the century.

The world's leading
arch criminal...

becomes the son-in-law
of the police commissioner.

I don't know whether to call
him "Daddy" or just "commish."

If I were you, Penguin,
I'd call help right now.

When we get through with you, you'll
be hollering "uncle" instead of "Daddy."

Oh, you bungling buttinskies...

always sticking your
nose into my business.

This time I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.

As long as you're holding classes,
Penguin, perhaps you'd include Batgirl too.

- Batgirl?
- Batgirl?

- Batgirl?
- Batgirl?

Bats. I'm surrounded by bats.

Never mind. I'll teach
you a lesson myself.

Go on. Go on.

Give it to them!

[SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

Well, get them over here!

I don't know who you are, but you
certainly know how to handle yourself well.

Holy agility, I'll say.

Thank you, Dynamic Duo. I'm sure you could've
handled these crooks without my help...

but I was glad for the
chance to join in the fun.

I can understand your enjoyment.

However, our purpose
here is quite serious.

Oh, crime fighting is a serious
matter to me too, Batman...

but we might as well
get a few laughs out of it.

Perhaps some other time.

Criminals like Penguin
are dangerous and deadly.

We'd better see if
Barbara Gordon's all right.

- Are you all right in there?
- Quite, sir.

BATMAN: Who's that?
- Alfred.

Millionaire Bruce
Wayne's butler, sir.

We'll have you out as soon as
we can Bat-pick this lock, Alfred.

Bat-tools, Robin.

Of course, we could always
borrow a hairpin from Batgi...

She's gone.

Shouldn't we go after her?
At least find out who she is?

Not now, Robin.

Let's get back to
work on this lock.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah. So much for the
Masked Meddlers, huh?

Now, hurry up. Up. Up.

Oh, we must get to
our alternate hideout.

The fuzz will be all over the place.
Come here. Come here. Come here.

Over here. I want you to bag
those Dim Dynamics there...

and throw them out the
window into the truck.

We'll take care of them
later. Get out of the way.

Get them over here.

Let me get these two in here.

I got another key.

All right. Now, bag that preacher and
my prospective bride-to-be, will you?

Bring her over here.

Hurry up, you clods.
Hurry up, will you?

Throw them out. Come
on, you two, throw them out.

Close that bag. That's right.

Over here. Get them.

Throw them over here.

Now, lower yourselves.
Lower yourselves.

Oh, yeah. Now the groom.

All right, take it away!

NARRATOR: Now
what? Another surprise?

A Batgirl Cycle in a
secret freight elevator?

PENGUIN [SINGING]: Here
comes the bride, all bagged and tied

Well, Dynamic Dupes...

how does it feel to be a
couple of human tea bags?

Steaming us to death will
do you no good, Penguin.

- The law will get you in the end.
- I am merely going to dunk you a little.

But before I do dunk you, I think I'll let
my prospective bride out of the bag...

so she can see what'll
happen if she doesn't cooperate.

[CHUCKLING]

Get out, little cutie
pie. Come on...

Oh, it's the preacher.

Well, you better watch the dunking too, in
case you get any ideas of making trouble.

Now my little bride.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Hwah! Grab him.
Grab him. Grab him.

Oh, it's into the
pot with you, sir...

right after you've performed
my marriage, yeah?

[CRASH]

Before you throw everyone
in the pot, Penguin...

you may find
yourself in hot water.

Batgirl. How did
you find this place?

I just adore weddings, Penguin.

Well, funerals before
weddings, Batgirl.

Get her.

[PENGUIN CHUCKLES]

[MAN GRUNTS]

- Alfred's really giving it to them.
- So is Batgirl.

Sorry it took me so long, sir, but I had
a little bird trouble on the way. Ha, ha.

PENGUIN: Hwah, hwah, hwah!

You're not a minister at all.

I heard you tell Batman you
were Bruce Wayne's butler.

Yes. I'm afraid that's true,
Ms. Gordon... Uh, Batgirl.

[GRUNTING]

You tricked me into revealing
my secret by posing as a minister.

But I had no intention
of tricking you.

I only took the
Reverend Hazlitt's place...

because I wanted to protect him
from being injured by Penguin's thugs.

Well, then I apologize.

That was a very brave
thing to do, Alfred.

But the fact remains, you do
know my secret, my dual identity.

And you must swear
never to reveal it to anyone.

- Well, really, Batgirl, I...
- No, Alfred, you must swear.

If you reveal my identity to anyone, I'll
be of no further use as a crime-fighter.

You wouldn't take advantage
of a woman's trust, would you?

Now, you must swear, as
a gentleman's gentleman.

Very well.

You have my word as a
gentleman's gentleman...

that no one will ever
learn your secret from me.

Thank you, Alfred.

I must make a quick change.

It's time to bag the
bird, huh, Batman?

I think so, Robin.

Birds are out of
season. Get away.

There'll be no
bird-bagging here.

Get away. Get away. Unhand me,
you poacher. Hwah, hwah, hwah.

- Where is Barbara Gordon?
- I placed her out sight...

- to avoid all danger in the fighting.
- Good show, Alfred.

[GRUNTS]

What happened, Batman?

Is that horrible man gone?

He's temporarily
out of circulation.

Are you all right, Ms. Gordon?

Yes, just never been proposed
to at umbrella point before.

You're quite safe
now, Ms. Gordon.

His umbrellas are closed.

Thanks to you, Batman.

I'm sorry to be so helpless.

Alfred, where's Batgirl?

Oh, she left a few
minutes ago, sir.

She said she had other
business to attend to.

I expect we haven't
seen the last of her.

I shouldn't be at
all surprised, sir.

Who is this Batgirl?

That's what we'd
all like to know.

Whoever she is behind
that mask of hers...

- she helped us out of a dire
dilemma. BARBARA: Oh, yes.

Think how horrible it would have
been to be married to the Penguin.

PENGUIN: Hwah, hwah, hwah.

Horrible? To be
married to me? Fa.

You can't imagine such bliss.

Fine score on your driving test.
How does it feel to have a license?

Well, it's gonna be a little easier
on Batman now that Robin can drive.

Let's, uh, stick to d*ck
Grayson for a moment.

How would you like
to, uh, drive this?

This? Me?

Since you got your license on your birthday,
you deserve a little something special.

A little something?
Gosh, Bruce, this is great.

Oh, this is great, Chief O'Hara.

A very sizable check from millionaire
Bruce Wayne for our police pension fund.

Ha, ha! I must call him
at once and thank him.

[SIGHS]

- Bonnie? Bonnie...?
RIDDLER: Ha, ha.

- What...?
- Riddle me this.

Good heavens, the Riddler.

Very good.

Now, when is a jet
stream like a daffodil?

A jet stream like a daffodil?

Riddler. Riddler.

He's gone. But what...?

Bonnie told me we had trouble
with cross lines all morning.

Then I'd better cross Riddler's
line with Batman's, quick.

NARRATOR: The Riddler, back to
puzzle and perplex the Dynamic Duo?

Be sure to watch
the next episode.

[BAT-ALERT BUZZING]

Gosh, Bruce, what's that?

It's a Bat-alert Buzzer connected to the phone
in the Batcave as in our other cars. Let's go.

Remember, this is
not the Batmobile.

Don't worry, Bruce. Highway safety
is every citizen's prime responsibility.