03x02 - Ring Around the Riddler

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Night, the cloak for sinners,
draws its dark folds over Gotham City...

where the Riddler hides out
in a little-used gymnasium.

[LAUGHING]

Me? Throw the biggest
fight of my career tonight?

- In Gotham Square Garden? I
won't do it. RIDDLER: Ah? Oh, yeah.

- I won't go into the ring if the fight's fixed.
- Yes, you will, Kid Gulliver.

Yes, you will. Ha, ha.

I have a riddle for you.

What do many boats, shovels, laundries,
whistles and hot showers have in common?

Steam.

Put him in the steam room
and shrink him down to size.

After Kid Gulliver,
what, Riddler?

Get rid of every other top
prizefighter in town, Betsy, that's what.

Plus that contemptible
crime-fighter, Batman...

then control all the prizefighting
in Gotham City once and for all...

and everywhere else.

That's a big order. How
are you gonna do it?

With an ace I have up my
sleeve, and what an ace.

But for starters...

when is the top of a mountain
like a savings account?

Go on, Riddler.

[SQUEAKING]

When it piques one's interest.

Kid Gulliver? Down for
the count in the third?

It's hard to believe, Bruce.

As chairman of Gotham
City Boxing Commission...

I'm gonna call an
emergency meeting.

It looks like undesirable elements
have once again infiltrated...

the manly art of self-defense.

NARRATOR: And making
off with the box-office receipts.

[DEVICE WHIRRING]

[CHUCKLES]

Riddle me this. When does a painter
use a trigger instead of a brush?

When he's a stickup artist.

[LAUGHING]

- I'd like two seats for tomorrow's...
- That box, it's blinking.

Help! Police! Help!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

And you caught no glimpse
of the robbers, Batgirl?

No. I heard the cashier scream,
called Commissioner Gordon's office...

and brought this
box directly here.

It's lucky you were in the
vicinity of Gotham Square Garden.

Yes. Luck is an important w*apon
to a woman crime-fighter, Batman.

Ah.

As I suspected.

This little blinking device is merely
an added touch to pique our curiosity.

Sounds like a
trick of Riddler's.

BATMAN: Indeed. He's back.

What's in the box?

Apparently, just some...

metal filings.

And this note.

"Who rules the ring?
No prince, king or raja.

Look for a clue on
the walls of Khafajah."

Ah. Riddler, indeed.

Returned to tease, taunt,
and torment us again.

"Look for a clue on the walls of Khafajah."
What could he mean this time, Batman?

Khafajah was a famous temple in what
was the land of Mesopotamia, Robin.

My daughter, Barbara, studied the history
of Southwestern Asia in college, Batman.

Perhaps if I called her,
she could be of some...

What, uh...?

What happened to Batgirl?

- Begorra, she's gone.
ROBIN: Into thin air.

Her particular brand
of vanishing cream...

another w*apon in her arsenal.

[PHONE RINGS]

Commissioner Gordon.

Yes?

He what?

Well, Batman's right here.

I'll tell him at once.

That was the
boxing commissioner.

He was... He was calling about
Kid Gulliver, who's vanished.

Disappeared completely...

while his seconds were carrying
him down to his dressing room.

That sh*t I gave him
won't wear off for a week.

- What was in that sh*t, boss?
- A little riddle juice, Kayo.

Gentlemen, if we had our choice of laps
to sit on right now, which would we choose?

Laps? To sit on?

Kid Gulliver's temporary lapse
of memory. Take him away.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Here are the burnooses,
Riddler. And my latest news break.

"Mushy Nebuchadnezzer...

unchallenged champion of
Southwestern Asia's boxing world...

arrived in Gotham City tonight.

Ready and willing to take
on any and all comers."

Mushy Nebuchadnezzer?

Stroke of your usual
feminine genius, Betsy.

Well, then slip into
your burnoose, Riddler...

because Mushy Nebuchadnezzer is going
to appear on my midnight sports telecast.

Sorry to bother you at this
time of night, Ms. Gordon.

We would've entered the building
by more conventional means...

- but we didn't wanna startle the tenants.
- Oh, I understand. I was expecting you.

- Oh?
- My father called.

Won't you come in?

- Thank you.
- You want to know...

- about the famous temple of Khafajah?
- Yes.

As I recall, some strange scrollwork
was found on the walls of that temple...

indicating men
used fists to fight...

long before the supposed beginnings
of boxing in ancient Rome and Greece.

Holy hieroglyphics. How would
the Riddler know that, Batman?

The mind of a criminal like Riddler's is a
sponge which soaks up many strange facts, Robin.

Riddler is an old archenemy
of ours, Ms. Gordon...

returned to try to outwit us and
bilk the good citizens of Gotham City.

That riddle he sent us, perhaps
we should examine it again.

"Who rules the ring?
No prince, king or raja."

Could he mean the
prizefighting ring?

We should've thought of that ourselves. Up
until tonight, Kid Gulliver was the champ.

- Perhaps Riddler himself is trying to take over.
- That punctuated pipsqueak?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

GORDON: Barbara.
Barbara, it's I.

It's my father.

[LAUGHING]

Well, tonight seems to be
my night for gentlemen callers.

I was walking home, took a chance
the Caped Crusader would be here.

Kid Gulliver's been found, Batman.
Outside Gotham Square Garden...

but he remembers nothing.

Uh, an injection of some drug
seems to have affected his memory.

Then it will do us no
good to talk to Kid Gulliver.

We might take a look at Gotham Square
Garden. Maybe we'll find something.

- Thank you, Ms. Gordon. You've been great help.
- Batman.

It's little enough to do for so
courageous a crime-fighter.

I thought I'd catch the last of Betsy
Boldface's midnight sports telecast.

Betsy Boldface seems to
have quite a hold over you.

[CHUCKLES]

She's as good as any
man would be on that job.

- Mushy Nebuchadnezzer.
- Yes.

Southwestern Asia's
unchallenged champion...

and also one of the most
colorful prizefighters in the world.

For instance, Mushy, tell
us, just what do you eat?

Tamarisk berries, bulbul
bird eggs and licorice.

But, uh, only licorice
native to my country.

BETSY: What
liquids do you drink?

Just, uh, camel grass juice.

What else?

Enough of that. He sounds like
Southwestern Asia's unchallenged nut.

NARRATOR: While in the
box-office of Gotham Square Garden...

We saw your car parked outside.

Commissioner Gordon said that
you might be here looking around.

All you all right, chief?

What car? Who's
Commissioner Gordon?

RIDDLER: Riddle me
this, Dynamic Dullheads.

What have the
following in common?

Hemming, basting,
purling and tacking?

[RIDDLER LAUGHING]

Holy blackout.

A unique trick of Riddler's.
Now you see him, now you don't.

He's gotta be
someplace in this building.

Unfortunately, we don't
have time to go after him.

Chief O'Hara needs
help and quickly.

Hemming and purling, basting and tacking
are all words related to needlework.

You think they gave Chief O'Hara the
same injection as they gave Kid Gulliver?

I'll take Chief O'Hara
down to headquarters.

You follow in the Batmobile.
Come, come, chief.

You know something, Charlie...

all I could see under that burnoose
was Mushy Nebuchadnezzer's chin...

and it didn't look much like a Southwestern
Asiatic chin to this student of history.

And there's something
about that Betsy Boldface.

I'm afraid Batman and Robin are headed
for more than just Gotham Square Garden.

Maybe Batgirl should investigate
the local source of tamarisk berries...

bulbul bird eggs, licorice,
and camel grass juice.

[BIRD CAWING]

NARRATOR: So it's across
her bedroom in a flash...

to the secret Batgirl nook...

where Barbara Gordon
makes her dazzling change...

to Batgirl.

And into action on
her Batgirl Cycle.

And shortly, back in Riddler's
little-used gymnasium...

I've picked up more than Mushy
Nebuchadnezzer's tamarisk berries...

- Tamarisk?
- And bulbul bird eggs...

- Bulbul?
- And licorice and camel grass juice...

- at an Asiatic delicatessen.
- Ah.

- Riddler, Batgirl is on my trail.
- Batgirl?

Yes, Batgirl.

I saw your phony
broadcast tonight, Riddler.

Masquerading as Mushy
Nebuchadnezzer. What's your scheme?

- What do you have up your sleeve this time?
- Up my sleeve, Batgirl?

Riddle me once.

What's most alluring,
when it's lowest or highest?

When it's in the
air or in a hole?

When it's served you,
yet you can't touch it?

An enchanting ace.

Put these earmuffs on.

Siren, let her have one of
your most stunning notes.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

What happened? It
didn't work. It didn't work.

Well, I've never tried my note two
octaves above high C on a woman before.

- And she won't try it again.
- Get her.

Good. Now, toss her into the
steam room as you did Kid Gulliver.

Batgirls wilt just as quickly
as other women. Ha, ha.

Like a dream. It worked
just like a dream, Betsy.

I thought my broadcast would put the
Dynamic Decimal Points on your track.

But Batgirl will
work just as well.

Even though Siren's stunning
note didn't work on her.

But it didn't work on me, either.
I didn't have the earmuffs on.

Well, it's never failed to put
men under my spell, Riddler.

And at my command.

Well, then men, you
shall have. Three.

Top prizefighters in the country
waiting outside right now...

to be dazed by your
dazzling decibel.

And with them in my power and
Batman KO'd once and for all...

I shall rule the ring.

[LAUGHING]

This is Jerry Quarry, Mushy. A
contender for the heavyweight title.

Oh, yes. Jerry,
contend with this.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

All right, Riddler,
they're under my spell.

They'll obey any order now.

Good. Take them
into the steam room.

[RIDDLER LAUGHING]

And turn the heat up and
find out how Batgirl is doing.

Now. Now, to put
Batman under my spell.

I too have plans for Batman.

- And Commissioner Gordon.
- A good parlay. A good parlay.

Thank you, Siren, from
the bottom of my burnoose.

[LAUGHING]

- Batgirl's gone, boss.
- Gone? Gone?

- Gone.
- No!

- Somehow, she got out.
- No, no, no.

- She must've went up a vent.
- No, no, no.

- Would you like a sh*t of camel grass juice?
- No! No, no.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, what's looser than a
thread, a fish, flying ribbons?

A woman's tongue.

Possibly Batgirl's.

I've got to get on some
provocative riddles...

if I'm going to coax Batman into
the ring with Mushy Nebuchadnezzer.

NARRATOR: The next morning, Batman and
Robin reply to a summons on the red phone.

I have called Batman, Barbara.

But I called you too because I needed
someone to talk to until he arrived.

Oh, I know you'll be
late at the library...

but with Chief O'Hara still in a state of
amnesia, I'm lost. That's all, just lost.

The whole city is aroused
over Kid Gulliver's condition.

Plus, the strange disappearances
of three of the contenders...

and I'm snowed
under with riddles...

sent here to this office in care of
Batman. Listen to this nonsense.

"What do bells, curtains, twins
and hair have in common?" Ha, ha.

That's easy, Daddy.

- Easy?
- Something like his riddle of last night:

"Who rules the ring?"

Uh, ring?

Bells ring out.
Curtains ring down.

Twins are perfect ringers.

- And hair often comes in ringlets.
- Well, smart girl.

Yes. All right, then let's
see you get this one. Ahem.

"Any aggressor should
beware his successor."

Well, it isn't a very good rhyme, but it must
have something to do with Nebuchadnezzer.

So he's still
taunting Batman, eh?

"Aggressor, successor." Ah.

Sounds like a challenge to me.

- Challenge?
- Yes, Batman.

To meet Mushy in the ring.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Commissioner Gordon.

Yes, he's right here.

This call's for you too.

- Hello?
- Riddle me this, Batman.

What are the chilliest
12 inches in the world?

It's the Riddler.

The chilliest 12 inches
in the world? Cold feet.

Excellent.

What suit of cards lays eggs?

One that's chickenhearted.
Now, listen to this, Riddler.

- Sticks and stones may break my bones...
- Now, you listen to me, Batman.

My line is plugged
into radio station GTCR.

That means that
all of Gotham City...

has heard you called,
ha, ha, a coward.

[LAUGHING]

That's it, commissioner.

Regardless of who Mushy
Nebuchadnezzer may be...

or what Riddler is up to, regardless
of private or public image...

one thing I cannot abide
is being called a coward.

You may inform all
the news media...

that I will meet the champion
of Southwestern Asia...

in Gotham Square Garden tonight.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Phil, take over for a
minute. I'll be right back.

You make an excellent
second second, Alfred.

I trust no one will
penetrate my disguise, sir.

- But I think perhaps you'd better call me Gus.
- Gus.

Holy missing relatives. Look who's
sitting down behind Commissioner Gordon.

Mrs. Cooper, how
nice to see you.

My daughter, Barbara.

- Your daughter? How do you do, my dear?
- Hello.

Oh, commissioner, I've
been such a wanderer.

I just got back from the
New Hebrides this evening.

I didn't want to let the boys
know. I wanted to surprise them.

And there was nobody
home, not even Alfred.

And then I heard that
Batman was fighting...

- this Mushy Nebuchadwhosis...
- Ha, ha.

And you know me. I love a fight.

As I thought, it's Riddler.

This is ridiculous. He's
smaller than you are.

[BELL DINGS]

Okay, fellas.

I want a good, clean
fight. Touch gloves.

Batman, what eats crow, yells
uncle, and tosses sponges?

- A loser. And I'm not a loser, Riddler.
- Oh?

[LAUGHING THEN BELL DINGS]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Spritz him, Riddler, with the
metal filings in your gloves.

- Betsy's under the ring with a magnet.
- Go on, get him.

- Stick it out, stick it out.
- Finish him off, come on.

Wait, wait, wait. What...?

[GRUNTING]

[RIDDLER LAUGHING]

Holy sudden incapacitation.

Yes.

The drawing power of this fight seems
to have concentrated beneath the ring.

Aw, ha, ha. Ha-ha-ha!

Mother Machree,
what's happening?

Batman's feet seem to be
magnetized to the canvas.

Excuse me, I have
something in my eye.

NARRATOR: Through a
door, as Barbara Gordon...

and seconds later, making her
startling reappearance as Batgirl.

- Batgirl.
- Yes, Betsy Boldface. We meet again.

Ladies and gentlemen,
riddle me this.

When is a prizefight
like a beautiful lady?

Answer: when it's a knockout.

[LAUGHING]

Something went wrong.
Let's get out of here.

- What happened to you?
- She happened to me.

Get her. Batman's on our tail.
Let's get out through the steam room.

[ALL GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

- Any final riddles, Riddler?
- Yes.

What do you throw away
that keeps returning?

BATMAN: A boomerang.

Correct.

And I'm a boomerang.

And I shall be back.

Well, that winds that up, fellow
crime-fighters. Thanks to Batgir...

- She's gone.
- Yes, but this time I saw where she went.

Through that transom. And her
Batgirl Cycle's parked in the back alley.

Let's follow her. Let's
find out who she is.

No, no, old chum. Let us respect
her disguise as she respects ours.

- I guess you're right.
- Some camel grass juice, sir?

Gosh, Batman, this
camel grass juice is great.

Beware of strong
stimulants, Robin.

[PHONE BUZZING]

- Yes, Bonnie. BONNIE:
There's a Ms. Circe out here...

to see you, commissioner.

Lorelei Circe.

Circe?

Circe.

Name doesn't ring a
bell, but send her in.

Ms. Circe, what
can I do for you?

It's what I can do for you,
commissioner, that really counts.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

NARRATOR: Will the Siren succeed in the plan
she has for Batman and Commissioner Gordon?

Will her purring parlay pay off?

Watch for the stunning
surprise on the next episode.