03x03 - The Wail of the Siren

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
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Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
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03x03 - The Wail of the Siren

Post by bunniefuu »

NARRATOR: A glorious
morning in Gotham City.

But in Commissioner Gordon's
office, the Siren readies a nasty scheme.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Now, commissioner, you
are ready to do my bidding.

Your merest wish is
my ultimate command.

Just say "yes," that will be
sufficient, although superfluous.

No man can resist the
stunning note of my voice.

Two octaves above high C.

- I want you to call Batman.
- Batman?

Call him and have him meet
you in some neutral place.

If you desire.

How about...?

- How about my daughter's apartment?
- Splendid.

- What am I to say to him?
- Nothing.

- Nothing?
- You will not show up for the meeting.

Just be sure you know
where he parks the Batmobile.

In the underground garage of her
apartment building. Where else?

How superbly suitable.

Barbara Gordon's
apartment? Why there?

Ours is not to reason why, d*ck.
We're duly deputized minions of the law...

Commissioner Gordon is
our immediate superior...

and good crime-fighters
always obey orders.

- To the Batpoles.
- Roger.

NARRATOR: And now, in Barbara
Gordon's apartment, the mystery deepens.

I can't fathom it.

This is the first time Commissioner
Gordon failed to keep an appointment.

It's not like him.
Not like him at all.

I was looking for him myself.

And his secretary, Bonnie,
thought he might be coming here.

- I certainly hope nothing's happened to him.
- Gosh, yes.

But why would he wanna meet
us here and not in his office?

He must have had a
very good reason, Robin.

Commissioner Gordon does
not take his responsibilities lightly.

I don't know how long
they'll be there, so work fast.

Now, remember, your primary mission is
to discover the location of the Batcave...

and the true identities
of Robin and Batman.

With that knowledge
as a w*apon...

plus the fortune that I plan to
get from millionaire Bruce Wayne...

my plan will be complete.

It's a beautiful plan.

Beautiful. Heh.

Would any of you
care for a soft drink?

No, thank you, Ms. Gordon.
We might find it too relaxing.

First order of business
is to locate your father.

Sure, and that's the truth.

Perhaps the Batcomputer
could be of some help, Robin.

Roger.

Goodbye, Ms. Gordon.

And don't worry
about your father.

NARRATOR: And shortly, in the
Siren's hideout in a subterranean grotto...

[SIREN PLAYING HARP]

Batman and Robin,
you're finished, I say.

For hidden inside of your car,
Commissioner Gordon is lurking...

and soon he'll tell me
whoever you are. Ha, ha.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Nothing quite so pleasant as
a musical interlude, eh, boys?

You hired us to be
criminals, Siren, not critics.

All we've been doing is losing a week of time
while you sit around and strum the strings.

Patience, I can see, is not one of
your virtues, if indeed you have any.

But you needn't wait much
longer, my dear Allegro.

The first step in my fantastic
plan has already been completed.

Even as we converse, my
operation is rapidly coming to fruition.

Like most women, you keep
talking about your operation.

But you still haven't
told us what it is.

For openers, boys, who remembers
the good women of history?

Florence Nightingale
and Molly Pitcher...

they pale in comparison to Mata
Hari, Lucrezia Borgia and Lady Macbeth.

Evil is what makes
the world go round.

And I want to be evil.

I'm not knocking evil, Siren.

But don't forget Catwoman and Black Widow,
they all went up the river because of Batman.

Right you are, my
musical mobster.

But those amateurs
neglected one thing.

They neglected to
expose Batman's identity.

Once that's done...

the cowled crime-fighter's
efficiency will be dissipated...

leaving me a clear path to
ravage and pillage Gotham City...

as it's never been
ravaged and pillaged before.

I want to become the
wickedest woman...

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

in Gotham City and
thus, in the world.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

With the help of Bruce
Wayne's fortune...

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

which I shall shortly control.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

[LAUGHING]

Barbara, it doesn't look as though
your father is going to show up.

I'm afraid you're
right, Chief O'Hara.

I'll be getting back to the office.
If I hear from him, I'll call you.

Do that. Even if I'm
out, I'll get the message.

Even if you're
out, you'll answer?

Well, not exactly that.
My phone answers for me.

Oh, sure, then it's one of
those tricky little gizmos...

that answers in your own voice
and then replays the messages.

Oh, sure, and it is, Chief O'Hara.
At least it won't be answering...

in Lorelei Circe's voice or all
the windows would be broken.

- Whose voice?
- Lorelei Circe.

She's the world-famous chanteuse
who's appearing in Gotham City.

She has a range of seven octaves.
And when she sings her highest note...

I'm told only hunting dogs can
hear it, and are completely stunned.

Well, let's hope your
father doesn't run into her.

Oh, I'm just spoofing
you, Barbara.

I'm sure he'll show
up safe and sound.

Goodbye.

Charlie, am I jumping to the
world's biggest conclusion?

Could my father have
run into Lorelei Circe?

Lorelei Circe.

Lorelei, a temptress...

a siren who lives in a grotto.

The Grotto Arms.

I read that's where
she's been staying.

NARRATOR: What's on
Barbara's mind, Charlie?

Is she about to go into action as
that Dominoed Dare-doll Batgirl?

- What is the matter with it?
- Perhaps it doesn't understand our question...

about Commissioner
Gordon, Robin.

I've never seen that
light flash before.

Well, that's the Batcomputer
Bat-resistance Signal.

Of course it doesn't understand our question
about Commissioner Gordon. It can't answer it.

Commissioner Gordon
represents law and order.

The Batcomputer is programmed
to deal only with criminals.

Holy one-track Batcomputer mind. I guess we'll
have to figure this one out for ourselves.

Not without some nourishment, old chum.
The body needs food as well as the mind.

Good evening, sir.
Through for the day?

Just going to grab a bite,
then get back to business.

Which is, if I may ask?

Locating Commissioner
Gordon, Alfred.

Very good, sir. If you'll excuse
me, I have a little dusting to do.

You'll find your milk and sandwiches
already prepared in the study.

Thank you, Alfred.

Commissioner Gordon.
What are you doing here?

You?

You're Alfred, millionaire
Bruce Wayne's butler.

And that voice, the same nameless
voice that often answers the Batphone.

- I'm afraid you're making a mistake, sir.
- Mistake? Nonsense.

Obviously, this is the Batcave.

Ergo, Batman is Bruce Wayne...

and d*ck Grayson is Robin,
The Boy Wonder. Hmm, hmm.

Batman and Bruce
Wayne, one and the same.

I must convey this
information at once to the Siren.

The Siren?

I think you're making a
grave error of judgment, sir.

You're being very
civilized about this.

Most butlers would do anything
at this moment to stop me.

- Quite right, commissioner.
- Oh.

Yes, indeed.

Nothing.

We should get into town
and survey the area...

where Commissioner Gordon was last
seen. Perhaps we can find a clue there.

ALFRED: You need
look no further, sir.

- Commissioner Gordon.
- Commissioner Gordon.

Sound asleep, sir.

I found him in the Batcave.

Sound asleep in the Batcave?

ALFRED: But he was awake when he
stepped out of the rear of the Batmobile.

Thanks to a sizable
dose of Bat-Sleep...

he is now languishing
in the arms of Morpheus.

Great Scott.

Yes. And I'm afraid he knows
the true identities of each of you.

In the absence of any word from Commissioner
Gordon, I shall now make a call.

- Like me to do it, Siren?
- Oh, no, Andante.

I'm the only person in the world
that can deliver my message...

to Mr. Bruce Wayne.

The millionaire playboy?

The soon-to-be
ex-millionaire playboy.

My next move is to relieve
Mr. Wayne of his fabulous fortune.

With Batman revealed
by Commissioner Gordon...

and thus permanently impaired...

and with Bruce Wayne's millions in
my possession, I'll be unstoppable.

Information?

I'd like the number of
stately Wayne Manor, please.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at their handsome
residence, our heroes remained puzzled.

- How much Bat-Sleep did you give him, Alfred?
- I should say approximately 12 hours’ worth, sir.

What could have caused him to do
such a thing? Hide in the Batmobile?

Our main concern now
is what to do with him.

He can't sleep forever and when he
wakes up, he intends to tell... Who was it?

- Someone called the Siren, sir.
- Obviously, the perpetrator of this sinister plot.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Yes, yes, this is
millionaire Bruce Wayne.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Meet me in my private office at
the Wayne Foundation Building...

in a half hour?

I'll be there.

Is everything all right, sir?

Everything is fine, Alfred.

- Where are you going, Bruce?
BRUCE: That is not your concern, d*ck.

I have a personal
matter to attend to.

d*ck: But you can't leave now.

Something's very wrong, Alfred.
Bruce never acted that way before.

And right after that
telephone call, sir.

I'm going to see
what it's all about.

[PHONE BEEPING]

You'll never know unless
you answer it, Master d*ck.

- Hello?
- Robin, this is Batgirl.

Batgirl. On the Batphone?

I'm in Commissioner Gordon's
office. No one else is here.

I must speak to Batman at once.

I'm afraid he's, uh, unavailable
right now. Can I help you?

Well, perhaps you can.

A frightful thing is happening. I
can't go into detail over the phone.

But by some sort
of sonic spell...

the Siren intends forcing Bruce
Wayne to give up his fortune to her.

So that's it.

And it seems she can project
this sound over the phone.

I think that's what might have
happened to my... Commissioner Gordon.

Meet you at Wayne Foundation
Building as soon as possible.

- And Batman?
- He, uh, may be there too.

NARRATOR: Later, in
Bruce Wayne's private office...

in the Wayne
Foundation Building...

You now have the
Wayne family jewels.

You have everything,
including all my ready cash.

Oh, there's still the little matter of your
signing over the property, stocks and bonds...

of the Wayne fortune to me.

Oh, yes.

Do you have the
necessary legal forms?

Andante.

NARRATOR: While in the lobby
of the Wayne Foundation Building...

He must still be under her influence, so
we'll have to deal gingerly with Mr. Wayne.

You bet. Wouldn't want
an innocent man to get hurt.

I only wish Batman
were here to help us.

He may be here
sooner than you think.

Holy standstills.

I wish this elevator
would get here.

No telling what they're up to.

There. That should do it.

I now have everything
I want. Everything.

Except the identity of Batman.

Batman?

No doubt Commissioner Gordon
is back in his office by now...

and has probably
been trying to call them.

[PHONE RINGS]

Commissioner Gordon's office.

No, the commissioner
is not here.

This is Chief of Police O'Hara
speaking. May I do something for you?

Yes.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Go jump in Gotham
Park Lake. Ha, ha.

We heard that, Siren, and you're
sending an innocent man to drown himself.

Well, look who's here.
Batgirl and Batboy.

There's no escape, Siren.
Better give yourself up.

- We'll soon see about that. BATGIRL:
That won't do you any good at all.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Girls are impervious
to your entrancing voice.

ROBIN: And I'm
wearing Bat-earplugs...

that successfully screen out
any sound above 14,000 decibels.

Your goose, so to
speak, is cooked.

Not by a long sh*t, short stuff.

I now own this building.

Is that true, Mr. Wayne?

She now owns this building.

SIREN: And I hereby
order you off the premises.

This is private property and you
cannot come in here without a warrant.

She has us there, Robin.

Holy Fourth Amendment.

So if you'll just make yourselves scarce,
I won't have to report you to the police.

This way out.

Come on, Batgirl.

- But there must be some...
- We're licked.

You'll pay a pretty
price for this, Siren.

Let's get this thing over with.

- What are you gonna do with him?
- Bruce Wayne? That penniless fop?

Now that he has no fortune...

he's going to do what many other
bankers in his position have done.

He's going to leap off the roof.

I'm going to leap off the roof.

Good boy.

Dropping that bugging device
was a smart move, Robin.

Maybe not smart enough. They've
just taken the elevator to the roof.

She's going to make
Bruce Wayne jump.

- The stairway?
- Yes. You're in good shape.

Come on, now.

Just one more step.

ROBIN: Don't do it, Mr. Wayne.

[ALL GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

Get in there and help my men.

Sorry about this, Mr. Wayne.

Help me. Help.

Why should I? You were
willing to let Bruce Wayne leap.

Can we talk about it
after you pull me up?

ROBIN: Can you get
Mr. Wayne out of that spell?

SIREN: I... ROBIN: Can you?

I might try singing
an antidote note.

Then do it.

Oh, but that's three octaves above
high C. Nobody's ever done it before.

My voice would be gone.

I'd rather die.

I'd rather live.

All right, I'll try it.

- Oh, Bruce, if only you were more like Batman.
- Batman.

Perhaps then you would have had the strength
to resist the Siren's stunning spell.

All right, Siren, do your stuff.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Robin.

- Batgirl. What's going on here?
- Don't worry about a thing, Mr. Wayne.

You're all right now.
What about the others?

Chief O'Hara.

Here we go.

Oh.

Batman.

Barbara.

What's going on?

You were under the
spell of the Siren, Daddy.

The Siren, eh?

Hmm. The last
thing I remember is...

That's funny. I can't remember
the last thing I remember.

Permanent amnesia apparently lasts
as long as a person is under Siren's spell.

I feel like Rip van Winkle.

You only slept like him.

Batman and Robin took
care of things perfectly.

Don't forget Batgirl.

And speaking of Batgirl, she was on
her way to fish Chief O'Hara out of...

O'HARA: Gotham Park Lake.

And begorra, she did.

But after she rescued
me, she just vanished.

I walked over to
the office to dry off...

but I didn't do much drying.

All's well that ends well.

Particularly now that millionaire Bruce
Wayne's millions have been returned to him.

And Siren will be singing her stunning
notes from a cage with iron bars.

How right you are, Robin.

Shall we go?

Warden Crichton should find the
Siren a model prisoner, commissioner...

if she doesn't open her mouth.

[PENGUIN LAUGHING ON DEVICE]

What in the world was that?

It's our newly-developed Criminal
Sensor Bat-indicator, commissioner...

which apparently suggests that Penguin has
returned to the environs of Gotham City.

Lulu. Speak to me, Lulu.

Don't call me Lulu, Pengy.
It's Senora Lola Lasagne now.

Now, I'm not here in Gotham
City to be bothered by you.

I'm here to enter my prize-winning
horse in the Wayne Foundation handicap.

[CHUCKLING]

We're gonna make a tidy bundle on
that race, Lulu. Whah, whah, whah.

And not only Penguin,
commissioner...

but some new female
accomplice named Lola Lasagne.

NARRATOR: Will Batman need
more than luck with Penguin and Lola?

Watch the next
episode to find out.
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