03x06 - The Unkindest Tut of All

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Sunday
afternoon in Gotham City.

A day of rest for everyone,
including crime-fighters...

or so it seems.

I was very glad that you could accompany me to
the accordion recital this afternoon, Barbara.

There's nothing I like better than
hearing "Lady of Spain" played eight times.

That is beautiful.

Daddy's been wanting us to get
better acquainted for some time now.

Indeed. Mm.

Time passes very swiftly
with pleasant company.

Would you like to watch the
television news broadcast together?

That's why the shades
are drawn, isn't it?

REPORTER [ON TV]: And on a
local front, this news is happening now.

The anonymous informant who has
correctly predicted two prior robberies...

has added a third.

And this station now
knows who that informant is.

For that live story, we switch
controls to Mobile Unit Number 7.

Ah! Hello out there
in television land.

This is King Tut speaking...

with yet another prediction
of a crime to come.

The police, those sometime
guardians of your life and property...

have chosen to ignore
my prior prognostications...

and the results were two
successful criminal actions. Heh.

With that in mind, here is
my third prognostication.

Andrew's Hockey Puck
Factory on West 20th...

will be robbed before I
finish my next sentence.

Yes, commissioner.

He's not in, but I can get
him in a hurry. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Be right there.

[BUZZING]

What's that?

Oh, it's my wristwatch alarm.

I'm sorry, Barbara, I'd forgotten I have a
meeting at the Wayne Foundation later today.

Oh, don't mention it.
Business before pleasure.

Oh, but you might drop me at my
beauty salon. It's right around the corner.

Thanks, Alfred. Goodbye, Bruce.

d*ck, Bruce here.

Commissioner Gordon called.

Our friend the Yale professor
was hit by a brick at a love-in.

He's become King Tut again and apparently
he's up to some nefarious scheme.

Where is the scoundrel
currently situated?

Well, he set up
shop in a tent...

in a vacant lot at the
corner of 6th and Albert.

I've been informed he intends
predicting another crime this afternoon.

Let's go, Robin. The longer
we tarry, the more dire the peril.

NARRATOR: Shortly thereafter
in King Tut's current habitat...

the scurrilous scalawag is
plying his newfound trade...

to an interested assemblage.

Oh, mystical, magical
Prince of Darkness...

ooh, hoo...

I invoke your name
and call upon your spirit.

I beseech you to tell me the
time and place of the next robbery.

- In the name of everything that's nasty...
- Pardon me.

TUT: give me your answer, do.

[LAUGHING]

Ladies and gentlemen...

here is my next prediction.

Come off it, Tut.

Your predictions are nothing
but phony, fatuous flimflam.

Who dares impugn
the veracity of Tut...

Nabob of the Nile, Moon God
of Thoth, and stuff like that?

By the instep of
Ramses, I'll have his head!

This is all part of some
dastardly trick, Tut.

Why don't you come with me and
let us have your head examined?

Stand back, you Caped Crumbum.
I'm now on your side of the law now.

I'll bet you are.

He is. He's on all
sides of the law.

What is going to happen, Tut?

In less than one hour...

the box office at the Soccer
Stadium will be robbed.

As a citizen of Gotham City, I
would like to see that crime thwarted.

This town can be a
better, safer place to live.

I just love better,
safer places to live. Ha!

Whether or not you care
to act on this information...

is of little consequence,
my Dynamic Dum-Dums.

I have cleared my conscience
by reporting to the law.

The rest is up to you.

- Let's go, Robin.
- You mean you really believe him?

Robin, the Constitution provides that
a man is innocent until proven guilty.

And the Constitution is the
cornerstone of our great nation.

We must abide by it.

Gosh, when you put it that way,
Batman, how can I help but agree?

Excuse me.

Good day.

All right, crime fans,
that's all for today.

Come back tomorrow for
some brand-new predictions.

Ah! Wasn't I magnificent?

Again. Ha, ha.

Shirley, fan me.

Oh, I am, Tutsy-poo. These feathers
sure came from a heavy ostrich.

Osiris, I want some
fruit. Nubis, peel it.

You still haven't told
us what your plans are.

Prime your ears.

Your fabulous pharaoh has given
all this free information to the police...

in order to worm his
way into their confidence.

When the propitious moment arises,
I'll send them on a wild flamingo chase...

whilst I commit the
crime of the century.

Toast it.

Give up without a struggle,
we'll make things easier for you.

If not, you may be severely pummeled
about the head and shoulders.

Hello, Robin. A
nice bracelet for you.

And a little something
for you, Batman.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, a seemingly innocent
idle bystander is neither innocent nor idle.

Congratulations. We heard about
the skirmish and rushed right over.

Your timing, as usual, is
flawless, commissioner.

Only a little more time,
vassals. A bit of watchful waiting.

That little blip
is the Batmobile.

When it disappears, the Dynamic
Dingbats will have gone into the Batcave.

And as soon as that happens, we'll know
exactly where that accursed place is...

and have a direct line
on their true identities.

Ah! It's disappeared.
Quickly, coordinates.

NUBIS: Forty degrees
longitude... TUT: Longitude.

NUBIS: 12 minutes
north. TUT: Twelve, north.

NUBIS: Forty-three degrees
latitude... TUT: Three in the...

NUBIS: eight minutes east.

East. Carry the four. Ha!

Oh, I'll be a son
of a Byzantine king.

- Do you know where that is?
- The zoo?

The Batcave is directly
under stately Wayne Manor.

That means that Bruce Wayne
and Batman are the same and one.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Where's Alfred?
- He's probably out shopping.

Today is market day and he likes to
take advantage of the specials. Hello.

Hello, Batman.

This is your monarch speaking.

King Tut, and he
asked for Batman.

Holy heart failure.

You have the wrong number.
There's no one here by that name.

Come off it, you
Caped Cockamamie.

Give it to him, Tutsy. You've
got him by the cowl now.

Ha, ha. Be a good sport, Batman.
Admit you've been outwitted.

My name is Bruce Wayne
and you're calling my residence.

- Now will you please...?
- Of course, you're Bruce Wayne.

You're also Batman.

And Tut's gonna tell it to the whole
world at a press conference tomorrow.

Aren't you, sweetheart?

Yes, indeed, my
little delta lotus.

Batman will make
you look like a fool.

He and I have met, but that's
the extent of our relationship.

Balderdash, say I.

Stuff and nonsense and phooey.

The only way
you'll convince me...

that Batman and Bruce Wayne
are not the same person...

is let me see them
both simultaneously.

Or both at the same time,
whichever comes first.

NARRATOR: In the Batcave...

the Caped Crusaders discover
the cause of their dire dilemma.

What happened?

Ah-ha.

I'm afraid we've
been bugged, Robin.

Of course, he's probably the
best-known Egyptologist in his field.

Unfortunately he was hit by a...

J'accuse.

Poor deluded man.

[GRUNTS]

Ladies and gentlemen
of Gotham City...

I put it to you that
Bruce Wayne...

millionaire playboy
and man-about-town...

is none other than the one...

the only...

the original...

Batman.

[REPORTERS MUTTERING]

I sincerely appreciate
the compliment, King Tut.

I'm not so sure
whether Batman would.

Why don't you tell
him? He's just outside.

It'd be quite a joke on me, Charlie,
if Batman really were Bruce Wayne.

BRUCE: Perhaps
if I move closer...

- the question might be more easily resolved.
- It's a trick. It's a trick.

As you can see, we don't
look a bit alike, do we, Batman?

Not a bit, Mr. Wayne. Not a bit.

He's not... He's...

He's fake. Fake.

Tut, why don't you forego this foolishness
and submit yourself for observation?

Once rehabilitated, I'm sure you will
become a valuable member of the community.

He's Batman, all right.

Who else in this present-day
dynasty could be that square?

Goodbye, everybody.

Robin and I must pursue
our relentless w*r against evil.

- Goodbye, Batman.
- Anyhow, you have to admit it, Charlie...

the chance of Bruce Wayne
being Batman was a very long sh*t.

I can't think of two more
obviously opposite people.

Agh. It is written:

"He who knows he
has lost has had it."

Goodbye, Mr. Wayne.

- Goodbye, Tut.
- Yes.

Thank you, folks.

That masked moralist
thinks he has me, does he?

He'll soon learn he can't
escape the wrath of the sun king.

We now swing into
phase two of our operation.

- Which is?
- Purloining the priceless collection...

of Egyptian scrolls nestled
in the Gotham City Library.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Scrolls?

I thought it was something good, like
crocodile skins or jeweled scorpions.

Button your lip, my
little desert partridge.

I said they were
priceless, didn't I?

For hidden somewhere
within them...

is the secret of the whereabouts of a
statue hidden since the age of Imhotep.

So, what's with the statue?

The great golden statue
of the god Osorkon.

Whoever possesses it, my Aswân
damsel, possesses the universe.

That's a lot of land.

Mama told me to pick a
nice Egyptian girl. Hmph.

Wow, you came down that pole like a pro,
Alfred. I bet you always wanted to do that.

Indeed I have, Master
Robin, but once is enough.

Next time I'll use the elevator
and leave the Batpoles to you.

Any problem with the
ersatz Batman, Robin?

- Holy Gemini, it worked great.
- It's the same principle as a dummy, Alfred.

I used my pocket Bat-synchronizer to operate
the lips, throw in a bit of ventriloquism.

No one was the wiser.

Batmobile drove itself after being programmed
to stop at red lights and intersections.

Was that ever a
weird experience.

Alfred, would you put my twin brother
in the Bat-Dummy closet please?

Very good sir.

[BEEPING]

- Yes, commissioner?
- King Tut has predicted another crime.

- The charlatan.
- He insists all available police...

surround Gotham City Penitentiary
as a massive escape is in the offing.

Certain forces will attempt to spring
Penguin, Riddler, Egghead, and the Siren.

Get your men out there. We
can't afford to take chances.

But that means the remainder of
Gotham City is wide-open for evildoers.

Robin and I will protect
the balance of the populace.

Eight million people?

- Trust me.
- Of course, Batman.

Get all your men up to Gotham
City Penitentiary at once.

Shouldn't we leave a
skeleton force, commissioner?

Batman suggested it.

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

Charlie, did you hear
what King Tut said?

Well, it was something
very interesting.

If the quote he quoted is
the quote I think he quoted...

I may just have figured
out Tut's entire plot.

It was a mistake only an Egyptian
bibliophile would have noticed.

Lucky I'm an
Egyptian bibliophile.

NARRATOR: Luckily for us,
she's an Egyptian bibliophile.

And even luckier,
she's Batgirl...

the supremely feminine
scourge of all that is criminal.

Did you believe that
prediction? Say it isn't so.

I take whatever Tut says
with a ton of salt, Robin.

But there was something he said
which may be a key to his ultimate caper.

He said it to Bruce Wayne. It had
something to do with a quote of some sort.

- I was in the Batmobile at that time.
- Oh, yes, I remember, sir.

What's it all about, Alfred?

It was to the effect that a man who
knows when he has lost has had it.

"Had it."

Of course, it's staring us
right in our masks, Robin.

That quote is on line 769
of chapter 14, scroll 32...

of the 13th section of the
works of Ramses the Bold.

One of the many ancient and irreplaceable
scrolls at the Gotham City Library.

How could I have
missed that one?

And with Gotham City's police out of the
way, he thought he'd have clear sailing.

Let's go, Robin, and let's
hope we're not too late.

The Gotham City Library
closed five minutes ago.

We can still catch them.

Robin, look out.

This librarian has been bound
in the ancient thuggee tradition.

She won't live a minute
longer in that position, Robin.

And when faced with the prospect of choosing
between the apprehension of a criminal...

and the saving of a human life,
one must always save the life.

Gosh, Batman,
you're right again.

[GASPS]

- What happened?
- That big hulking brute raced in here...

and stole our most
expensive scrolls.

All the police that usually guard the
library were ordered out on another job.

They said you'd
protect us, Batman.

Don't worry. We'll
get those scrolls back.

- Doesn't Barbara Gordon work in this library?
- Today is her first day off in a month.

Batman, you've just got
to get those scrolls back.

They are ancient
and irreplaceable.

Yes, I know, my dear.

Let's go, Robin.

Frankly, Batman, I'm stumped.

Perhaps a clue will turn up.

Ooh, Tutlings, we have
performed the most marvelous theft.

The golden statue of Osorkon
is almost within our grasp.

Osiris, Nubis, gather up these
scrolls and let's make tracks.

The only tracks you'll be making
are straight to the penitentiary.

- Batgirl.
- In the flesh.

You know, it's against my
principles to b*at up on ladies...

but in your case, I'll make
an exception. Get her.

Agh.

How did you figure out my plan?

Simple. I recognized a quote
from the works of Ramses the Bold...

and realized then it was
the scrolls you were after.

I got to the library as you
escaped and followed you here.

You know, I can always use
a smart girl in my line of work.

The ones I've had lately are
rather inferior. Would you, uh...?

I'm afraid not.

Batman and Robin will be here
momentarily. I blazed a trail for them.

Consider your
criminal career kaput.

Well, heh.

Goodbye, Batgirl.

You're not going anywhere.

No, but you are.

To dreamland.

Defeated by a
mere wisp of a girl.

Now, for the second
time, let's make tracks.

The only tracks you'll
make are to the penitentiary.

There's some sort of
delayed echo in here.

As a duly deputized officer of the law,
it's my duty to advise you of your rights.

You'll have to catch me first.

Get him, get him, get him.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[SHOUTS]

- So it was you who blazed the trail.
- I was just doing my duty as a citizen.

I like that kind of talk.

Perhaps we could get together some evening
and discuss crime-fighting techniques.

No one knows where you live.

Yes, that does constitute
somewhat of a problem.

Look out. Here they come again.

Batgirl never stays around
long enough for us to thank her.

She's probably very modest.

I wonder who she really is.

I wonder who he really is.

I'm afraid it will be a long siege of analysis
before you realize who you actually are.

I've lived a thousand years,
so I'll live another thousand.

- Hi, Daddy. Hello, Bruce.
- Hi.

Good to see you again, Barbara.

I wonder if we could, um, continue
that date we interrupted this weekend.

Hey, you mean you actually
had a date with this socialite lump?

Yes. Why?

Because he's so deadly dull.

Deadly dull, that's what it is.

Just deadly dull in Gotham City.

What did I say? Deadly dull?

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes. What?

You don't say. You don't say.

You don't say.

- Who was it?
- Who was it?

He didn't say. What
his name was, that is.

But it was the patrolman at the
corner of Plat and Green Street.

And he just saw that notorious gangster
Louie the Lilac drive by in his Flowermobile.

Well, that's my cue to leave.

Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

That's what I said!

He's gonna go straight to the
Batcave and put on that corny blue outfit.

Actually, I had something
more mundane in mind, King Tut.

I've had so much crime in the last two
days, I don't care if I ever see it again.

- Goodbye, Barbara.
- Bye.

Commissioner Gordon.

Bye, Bruce.

Nice young man, isn't he?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Bruce Wayne's
nice enough, Daddy.

But he's certainly no Batman.

You wanna wager a sphinx or two?

Commissioner, weren't
you gonna call somebody?

Was I?

Ah, uh, Batman.