03x08 - The Ogg and I

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Gotham
City on a fresh new day...

which may be fraught
with fresh new danger.

Olga, wait for me! Olga!

Olga, wait for me!

Olga! Giddyap.

[HORSES GALLOPING AND COSSACKS
SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

The Bessarovian
Cossacks and Egghead.

But that street leads directly
to police headquarters.

Have they gone mad?

Bonnie, where is that
sandwich I ordered?

BONNIE: It just arrived, Commissioner
Gordon. I'll send the delivery boy in.

Thank you.

Oh, oh. Thank you, thank you.
Here's a little something for you.

Thank you, sir.

You're very welcome.

Wait a minute. What's going on?
I ordered a roast beef sandwich.

- This is a poached egg sandwich.
- You don't say.

- Heh, heh, heh.
- Yes, I do say...

A poached egg sandwich?

At your service, commissioner.

No, no, no, please. No
publicity. I'm very shy, you know.

You'll find it more difficult
to get out than in, Egghead.

Oh, I've already made arrangements
for my eggs-it, commissioner.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

You are taking short
elevator ride with us.

You two will never
get away with this.

Oh, really, commissioner, I wish
someone would write you a new line.

That one is getting
so tired. Heh, heh.

Shall we?

EGGHEAD: Unh. Heh, heh.

There. Up we go,
me hearties. Heh, heh.

Kidnapped?

The commissioner's
been kidnapped?

Batgirl.

Thank heavens you're here.

But why are you here?

Shall we say a
hunch, Chief O'Hara?

Some sixth sense that things
aren't quite right in Gotham City.

Not only in Gotham
City, but in this office.

- The commissioner has been kidnapped.
- Kidnapped?

My fa... Commissioner
Gordon kidnapped?

Somehow he managed
to drop this note.

But it doesn't say much.

I was about to call
his daughter Barbara.

But she'd likely
worry herself to death.

Right, Chief O'Hara.

Don't call until we know the identities
and demands of the kidnappers.

Kidnappers?

Our fine police commissioner's
been abducted, Batman.

Out of this very room.

Whoever could have done
such a dastardly deed?

Very likely our arch-foe,
that eggs-crable Egghead.

And his conniving consort, Olga,
queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks.

Egghead?

Olga, queen of the Cossacks?

Rumor has already
reached our ear...

that those two evildoers have
joined forces, and in this town.

That's why we're here.

And it's not surprising that they'd start
in this office and with Commissioner Gordon.

You're not surprised?

What other public personage
could demand more respect...

or be held for a bigger ransom?

Gosh, yes. Egghead knows he
can ask for the moon and get it.

And if he doesn't get it, what will
happen to Commissioner Gordon?

First things first, Batgirl.

I know how Egghead operates.

He finds the
telephone irresistible.

In fact, this one should
be ringing momentarily.

COSSACKS: Hey! Hey!
- Can't you make those...

wild men of yours quiet down?

- Is victory celebration, Eggski.
- I know.

But I've gotta telephone police
headquarters and tell them about our ransom.

- Is more important ransom than victory dance.
- Yes.

[OLGA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Stop the music.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[PHONE RINGS]

That must be Egghead's
call. May I take it?

- There's no one else in Gotham City who can.
- Commissioner Gordon's office.

Oh, my, my, how your voice
has changed, commissioner.

Never mind the bad jokes. I know
you have Commissioner Gordon.

Oh, do you now, Batman?

And do you also
know what we want...

in eggs-change for the
dear commissioner's life?

What is the ransom?

Just 10 cents, Batman.

One thin dime for every
egg eaten in Gotham City.

- It's sort of an egg-cise tax, Batman.
- Well, that's unfeasible.

Hundreds of thousands of eggs
are consumed in Gotham City.

- There's no way to keep track of them.
- Oh, yes, there is, Batman.

The entire Gotham
City police force...

will be mobilized as egg
counters and tax collectors.

They will make it their
business to count every egg...

that is consumed
within the city limits...

and to collect my
egg tax on each one.

Otherwise, we'll mail the
commissioner back to you in a box.

A pine box.

We have no choice. The
egg tax will be collected.

See that it is, Batman.

And remember, I'll be
making spot checks myself.

If every egg isn't
counted and paid for...

it's goodbye, Gordon.
Heh, heh. Clear?

Quite clear.

A 10-cent tax on every
egg eaten in Gotham City.

Holy eggshells.

In a few days, that
would add up to millions.

Couldn't we ask the people of
Gotham City to stop eating eggs?

BATGIRL: Wait a minute, Robin.

If egg consumption in Gotham
City were to suddenly decline...

Egghead might take revenge by
harming Commissioner Gordon.

Batgirl is right. We'll
have to pay the egg tax...

until we locate and rescue
Commissioner Gordon.

And I'm afraid the onerous job of
collecting that tax is yours, Chief O'Hara.

I'll take care of
all that, Batman...

so you can concentrate on
locating those scoundrels.

I have a plan. It's a long
sh*t, but it just might work.

BATGIRL: I, too,
have a plan, Batman.

I suggest we att*ck the problem
separately. With two approaches...

- we have a better chance of locating them.
- I hope you're right, Batgirl.

Hello, chief. The usual?

Right, Gilligan. A large
milk and a hot pastrami.

Never mind the pastrami.

Chief O'Hara would
like half a dozen eggs.

- How do you like them, chief?
- Why, you...

Now, one hand on me...

and you'll never see your
dear commissioner again, chief.

You win, Egghead.

Now, how did you say
you liked your eggs?

- Scrambled.
- Hm.

Bring Chief O'Hara
half a dozen...

No, make it a dozen
scrambled eggs.

Chief, you want me to
pounce this guy out of here?

No, no, Gilligan. He's a friend.

- Just bring the eggs.
- A dozen scrambled eggs?

I'm feeling a bit hungry
this morning, Gilligan.

Anything you say.

I had to pretend to
be cool and objective...

when it was my very own
father who'd been kidnapped.

I understand how difficult
it must have been for you.

- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes, that's why I asked you to come here.

You're the only person in
Gotham City who can help me.

I'll gladly give you any
assistance I can, Ms. Gordon...

Batgirl, I should say.

You have some plan
to locate your father?

Well, it's only a remote possibility,
but at least it's better than nothing.

My father uses a very rare
brand of aftershave lotion...

called Wellington Number Four.

It's imported from Sumatra.

I know the brand.

A former employer of mine, the
Earl of Chutney, used to use it.

If I remember correctly, its ingredients
contain a small amount of curry root...

which gives it a very pungent aroma,
quite unlike any other aftershave lotion.

Yes, the aroma is unmistakable.

I think I guess your plan.

[SNIFFING]

But shouldn't we
enlist the aid of others?

No. Now, think for
a moment, Alfred.

How would Batgirl know
such an intimate fact...

about Commissioner
Gordon, unless, of course...?

I see your point. But surely
Batman and Robin could...

No, no, not them either.

My effectiveness as a crime-fighter
depends on keeping my identity a secret.

And now more than ever,
I need that effectiveness.

You're right.

But I'm afraid it won't be so
easy for just the two of us...

to traverse the whole
of Gotham City...

trying to locate the aroma of
a particular aftershave lotion.

You're right, Alfred.
It's a hopeless task.

So I suggest we begin at once.

Oh, thank you, Alfred.

I would like to be
of help, Batman...

but I have no knowledge of the
whereabouts of Olga and her Cossacks.

She'd hardly communicate
with the embassy...

since the Cossacks have been at w*r with
the legitimate government of Bessarovia...

for many centuries.

I'm aware of that,
Mr. Ambassador.

We didn't come here for information,
but for help of another kind.

By all means, Batman.

Believe me, the government of Bessarovia
would like to see this woman apprehended...

as much as you would.

Good.

It's my suspicion that Olga and her
Cossacks may show up here any time.

Here? But why should they...?

Of course.

- The brass samovar of Genghis Khan.
- Exactly.

The brass samovar
of Genghis Khan.

Why is it so important?

It's a symbol of power, Robin.

Like the Stone of
Scone to the Scots.

Traditionally, anyone who possesses
the brass samovar of Genghis Khan...

is the legitimate
ruler of Bessarovia.

- What's it doing here, then?
- My government sent it for safekeeping...

since certain opposition
parties in my country...

were planning to steal it.

- And you think Olga will try to steal it?
- It may be part of the overall plan.

First the abduction of Commissioner
Gordon, and the egg tax.

Now this samovar.

A priceless target.

The Cossacks have tried to steal
the samovar many times before.

With your help, Mr. Ambassador,
we may make this theft Olga's last.

Just tell me what you
want me to do, Batman.

NARRATOR: As night falls, the
Bessarovian Embassy has other visitors.

[OLGA LAUGHS]

There is prize.

Brass samovar of Genghis Khan...

symbol of Bessarovian power...

at last is coming to
rightful possessor.

Quickly... my Cossacks.

ALL: Hey!

Now, now is proof...

I am imperial queen of Cossacks.

Only queen is entitled
to brass samovar. Push.

Push, push, push.

And be careful you don't
scratch my beautiful samovar...

or I will slice you to shredkis.

Push, push, push, Cossacks.

Push, push.

NARRATOR: The Cossacks and Olga
take the samovar back to their hideout...

where it joins other
collectors' items.

[GRUNTING]

[GORDON MUMBLING]

There's the
commissioner, Batman.

[MUMBLING]

I think he's trying to
tell us something, Robin.

[GORDON MUMBLING]

Welcome, malen'kiy Batushka.

[BATMAN & ROBIN COUGHING]

[OLGA LAUGHS]

Put the little mal'chik in
cage with old commissioner.

And drag handsome to throne.

What's this?

You've captured the
Caped Crusaders?

Olga, you eggs-quisite
diabolical genius.

- But of course.
- Yes.

How did you do it?

- By underhand trick, what else?
- Yes.

OLGA: Aha.

Malen'kiy Batushka is waking.

Handsome.

Oh, no troubles, Batushka...

or we are making shashlik
out of little mal'chik...

and old commissioner.

[GORDON MUMBLING]

Yes, much better, Batushka.

You would like to know perhaps
how you are being tricked, huh?

Orloff.

Your Highness.

So you gave us away
as a traitor to your country.

Who is traitor?

I am Bessarovian
Cossack from little boy.

OLGA: Is true.

Omar is famous
magnificent Bessarovian chef.

Thank you, Highness.

And now I am making greatest
Bessarovian borscht of my career.

[LAUGHING]

With special ingredients.

No, I object.

Well, you think cooking in
borscht is too cruel, Eggski?

No, don't be ridiculous, Olga.

It's just that I'd like to k*ll them now.
They're too tricky to play around with.

Believe me, I know them.

Now that we've got them,
let's eggs-terminate them.

Who is "we"? I caught them.

Besides, I may decide not
to cook malen'kiy Batushka.

Don't tell me that you're
falling for this cowled clown?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

- We are seeing.
- But you are engaged to me.

How dare you two-time me?

And especially with
this caped creep.

How dare you tell me what to do?

Me, Olga, queen of
Bessarovian Cossacks.

Olga Shmolga. You'd
still be washing dishes...

in that run-down Bessarovian
restaurant if it wasn't for me.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Be careful.

Old Cossack proverb:

"Open mouth is leading
quickly to open grave."

And don't give me any of
your Cossack proverbs either.

I say k*ll him now or I'll...

So much for big-mouth.

Now we can have
malen'kiy talk, eh, Batushka?

You find me
attractive little, huh?

I'd find you much more attractive if you
were on the right side of the law, Olga.

- This kind of life can only lead to trouble.
- Heh, heh.

Is better making love
than sermons, Batushka.

Otherwise you are
going into pot with others.

A little kiss maybe?

A little kiss not maybe.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Maybe I give you
little kiss. Hm?

The great Bessarovian
borscht of my career.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Step right in there.

This will be beautiful,
beautiful. Ha, ha.

Oh, very nice.

[OMAR SINGING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Well, you are no longer
in Bessarovia, Olga.

In this country, the
standards are different.

You should abide by
our customs, not yours.

On contrary...

I am considering this place
malen'kiy piece of Bessarovia.

Here, we are
following my customs.

And my customs are
requiring wedding borscht...

made from captured prisoners.

- Wedding borscht?
- Of course, Batushka.

But I thought you were
engaged to marry Egghead.

I am marrying both of you.

Cossack queen is
permitted up to six husbands.

Oh, but do not worry, Batushka.

You will always be
number one in my heart.

[OLGA SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SNIFFING]

Batgirl, this is Alfred.

I have just detected...

the unmistakable aroma
of Wellington Number Four.

Where are you, Alfred?

In front of a warehouse at
number 12 Bannister Street.

- I'll be right there.
- Good.

[BATGIRL SNIFFING]

It's unmistakable, Alfred.

Wellington Number Four
coming from inside this warehouse.

Oh, you can't go
in alone, Batgirl.

If nothing else, I'll go in with
you and provide a diversion.

No, Alfred, I would never
forgive myself if you got hurt.

Now, you must stay here.

Soon you are both
becoming my husbands.

Well, it's worth playing second
fiddle just to see Batman married.

- Batgirl!
- Batgirl?

Batgirl.

They need help. They can't
handle all those Cossacks alone.

You are both staying
right here in pot.

- Here.
- What?

Alfred, Bruce Wayne's
butler. What are you...?

No time to explain
now, commissioner.

- There we go.
- Thank you, Alfred.

I'm with you, Batman.

Oh, help me, Eggski.
You must do something.

My Cossacks are
falling like vodka bottles.

So you admit you
need my help, eh, Olga?

[OLGA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Bygones be bygones.
- All right, come over here.

I've been saving this little surprise
for just such an eggs-igency. Heh, heh.

[CLUCKING]

Yes, these hens have been
fed a straight diet of onions...

for the past six months.

Onions? What is
from these onions?

You just wait a minute,
my dear, and you'll see.

ROBIN: Out of my way.

All right, Egghead,
your turn has come to...

BATMAN: Unh! What...? I...

[SOBBING]

Have a good cry,
Batman. You'll need it.

ROBIN: Oh!

[SOBBING]

OLGA: Oh! Yes.

You'll discover that kidnapping
police commissioners is...

[SOBBING]

[ALL SOBBING]

- Are you all right, Batman?
- Yes, commissioner.

But I'm afraid they've escaped.

And Egghead used a particularly
powerful form of tear gas.

Holy crying towels, Batman.

- This stuff is terrible.
- I know.

At least you're safe,
Commissioner Gordon.

Yes, Batgirl, but is
Gotham City safe?

[HORSES GALLOPING AND COSSACKS
SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I'm afraid Gotham City won't be safe
until those Cossacks are behind bars.

NARRATOR: How right he is.

Gotham City faces disaster with Egghead,
Olga and the Cossacks on the loose.

When and how will it end?

Will it end?

Maybe we'll get an
inkling in our next episode.