03x11 - The Londinium Larcenies

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: The great metropolis of Londinium,
mighty capital of the Old World...

is enjoying another of its
famous crystal-clear days.

But in the queen's private
museum in Chuckingham Palace...

something's rather foggy about
Lord Marmaduke Ffogg of Ffoggshire...

and his sister, Lady
Penelope Peasoup.

But what are these twisted twigs
of Londinium aristocracy up to?

Purloining Her Majesty's
priceless snuffboxes?

And then covering their tracks with
Marmaduke's own man-made fog?

And shortly, in Commissioner Gordon's
office, on the other side of the Atlantic...

If you wish, Mr. President,
I can handle this myself.

I'm going to
Londinium this week...

for an International Police
Commissioner's Conference.

Only Batman, Mr. President?

I'll see if it can be arranged
at once, Mr. President.

[DOOR CLOSES]

What an afternoon.

It's like a Londinium fog.

Uh, speaking of Londinium...

that was himself, the president,
speaking of Londinium?

There have been unexplained
robberies in Londinium...

from which all the thieves have escaped
in what appears to be a man-made fog.

I tried to persuade him that
I could handle the problem.

Just as I've tried to persuade you, Barbara,
to take your vacation in Londinium with me.

Two weeks fog-bound?
No, thank you, Daddy.

Oh, well, maybe Batman will
be a little easier to convince.

Batman?

The president, at the
request of the first minister...

and Londinium's
venerable Ireland Yard...

wants the Caped Crusader to
look into the strange situation.

I think two weeks in Londinium
would be delightful, Daddy.

Excellent, Master Robin.

Your turn at the Boy
Scouts Vaudeville Show...

should prove what I
believe is called a doozer.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Cool it, Ringo.

Yes, commissioner.

The president.

The first minister.

Venerable Ireland Yard.

Londinium.

NARRATOR: And presently, on
a crystal-clear Gotham City night...

a luxury liner is about to sail.

Hello, Barbara, commissioner.

Well, Bruce, what a pleasant
surprise to find you and young d*ck...

among our fellow passengers.

I've been called on Wayne
Foundation business...

and I thought that d*ck here
might find the trip broadening.

- Excuse me, sir. Your crate is safely aboard.
- Thank you, Alfred.

I saw that immense thing with
your name stenciled on it on the pier.

What do you have in it?

I don't think that d*ck
should neglect his studies...

so we brought along a thousand key works
of literature, his biological specimens...

and also his own desk.

- Yes, I expect to study hard.
- It's a good thing you're going by ship, d*ck.

O'HARA: Here you
are, commissioner.

I just came down to wish
you bon voyage, begorra.

That's very generous of you,
Chief O'Hara. Thank you very much.

Any sign of the Dynamic Duo?

I'm sure they're
onboard, Chief O'Hara.

But knowing their dispositions,
I doubt we'll see much of them.

MAN: All ashore
that's going ashore.

Well, good luck, commissioner.

- Goodbye, everybody.
- Goodbye, chief.

MAN: All ashore that's...

I think a ship sailing is one of the most
exciting things in the world, don't you, Bruce?

Glamorous, romantic, a
sense of mystery and adventure.

Hard to b*at in
this humdrum world.

NARRATOR: While across the
sea in the treasure-filled gallery...

of Easterland House...

What are our Londinium
culprits up to now?

Not Lady Easterland's precious
horde of jeweled Russian Easter eggs.

Then once more covering their tracks
with Lord Ffogg's personal pea soup.

And the following
morning at Ffogg Place...

Marmaduke, the authorities
have called on Batman.

The Caped Crusader
from the colonies? Why?

In a last attempt to find out who's
been carrying out our little pranks.

You don't seem any too alarmed.

Why should I be?

We have an advantage over Batman that
none of his other adversaries ever had.

My invincible w*apon.

The pipe of fog.

With it, we can make our entrances
and exits in fogbound secrecy.

Our sorties of the
past will be as nothing...

compared to what
the future holds.

Nothing?

You call the count's coin
collection, the duchess's diamonds...

and Her Majesty's
snuffboxes nothing?

Nothing, compared to the Crown
Jewels in the Tower of Londinium...

with which we may
conclude our lives of crime.

The Crown Jewels?

Oh, Marmaduke,
how utterly divine.

Oh, yes, rather.
Yes, rather, I say yes.

NARRATOR: Presently, in the
dungeon of a country manor house...

rented by Bruce
Wayne near Londinium...

the Dynamic Duo
are ready for action.

Well, it isn't exactly
the Batcave, sir.

In fact, I strongly suspect that
at one time, it was a dungeon.

But, uh, it does have an isolated entrance
connecting direct with the Queen's Highway.

It will do the job, Alfred.

And you did a great job
unpacking d*ck Grayson's books...

biological specimens and desk.

And not even a scratch
on the Batmobile.

And the Batcomputer
seems right at home too.

Let's go, old chum.

Commissioner Gordon will be
waiting for us at venerable Ireland Yard.

And if I may, sir, remember to
drive on the left, not the right.

NARRATOR: In no time at all,
they are entering Londinium...

which is suffering from a
spell of unusually clear weather.

And turning off the Queen's
Highway into Barnaby Street...

Blimey. The Batmobile.

NARRATOR: Then a moment later in
the office of Superintendent Watson...

in venerable Ireland Yard...

Superintendent Watson, I'd like you
to meet the Caped Crusader, Batman.

- How do you do?
- And the Boy Wonder, Robin.

- How do you do? It's a pleasure to meet you.
- It's our pleasure, sir.

You, of course, know
my daughter Barbara.

BATMAN: Yes, we do.

These surroundings
have a familiar feel.

Yes, Batman, decor in a police
department varies little the world over.

BARBARA: When did you
arrive in Londinium, Batman?

We didn't see you on our liner.

It's a large ship, Ms. Gordon.

Well, superintendent, I suppose
this small talk is slightly out of order...

- in the face of your current criminal crisis.
- It is indeed, Batman.

Just one mysterious
theft after another.

We had hoped that they would
end with Her Majesty's snuffboxes...

but earlier this week, these same pilferers
invaded the gallery of Easterland House.

And swept off with a precious
horde of Russian jeweled Easter eggs.

I read that in the
ship's bulletin.

Ah, swept out is right, Batman.

And under cover of what
seemed to be a man-made fog.

- Holy haziness.
- You say there are signs...

of this strange fog at the
scene of every robbery.

WATSON: It's almost a trademark.

Fog.

Fogbound. Foghorn.

ROBIN: Aftergrass.
- Aftergrass?

Yes, aftergrass is a form of
lawn, sometimes called fog.

Beautiful too. Ffogg
Place in Ffoggshire...

has one of the finest
aftergrass lawns in the country.

Ffogg Place.

The famous baronial estate
of Lord Marmaduke Ffogg?

WATSON: Oh, you've heard of it?
- Oh, yes.

His fog lawn is world-renowned.

Superintendent, what would be the
chances of our looking around Ffogg Place?

WATSON: You, Batman? Heh.

Surely you don't suspect Lord Ffogg,
one of our most respected aristocrats.

No, my friend, millionaire Bruce Wayne
has a magnificent aftergrass lawn...

at stately Wayne Manor,
outside of Gotham City.

I'd like to compare
it with Lord Ffogg's...

while I assemble my thoughts
about our ubiquitous iniquitous enigma.

Ooh! Good. Good.

Lord Ffogg and his sister,
Lady Penelope Peasoup...

also run a posh girl's finishing
school there. They're quite proud of it.

And I always like to get outside Londinium,
you know, into the countryside...

gives me a chance to
change hats, you know. Ha, ha.

I'll call Lady
Peasoup right now.

Batman and Robin
coming here? Why?

Superintendent Watson said
something about our aftergrass lawn.

Yes, Prudence?

Lady Prudence, Aunt Penelope.

I came to tell you the girls and I are back
from our little shopping expedition, governor.

Mission accomplished.

Good, Lady Prudence.

Please have the
girls freshen up.

Ffogg Place is about to play
host to Batman and Robin.

The Dynamic Duo?

Smashing.

I doubt that Batman is coming
in to look at any lawn, Penelope.

But one false move...

and he'll be 6 feet under it.

- Call Basil.
- Right here, your lordship.

And I couldn't help
overhearing, sir.

I'll have the chauffeur and footman
start preparing a grave at once.

Not right now, Basil.

But when you do,
make that two graves.

We may need a second one
for Robin, the Boy Wonder.

[ALL LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: Thus again, very shortly, Ffogg
Place prepares to receive its visitors.

Hello there.

Oh, Batman and Robin,
how nice of you to come.

And Superintendent
Watson, and, uh...

Lady Peasoup, may
I present Ms. Gordon.

Her father is police
commissioner of Gotham City.

While he's attending a
meeting in Londinium...

I thought I'd bring his
charming daughter along with us.

Welcome to Ffogg Place, my dear.

Thank you.

Oh. The gout again, Lord Ffogg?

Not again. Always.

- Oh.
- Lady Prudence.

His Lordship's daughter, my
niece. She helps with the school.

How do you do?

PEASOUP: Duchess.
- How do you do?

PEASOUP: Kit.
- How do you do?

PEASOUP: Daisy.
- How do you do?

PEASOUP: Rosamond.
- How do you do?

PEASOUP: They're our boarders.

Our daily students
are away on holiday.

Lady Prudence, will you please
stay here and entertain our guests?

And, young ladies, may I suggest
that you get back to your, uh, studies.

A refreshing innovation,
no school uniforms.

Well, our little student bodies have
their clothes specially designed...

on Barnaby Street.

We like them to have individuality
and to keep their wits about them.

Their wits?

Oh, they must learn to
handle themselves in this world.

So full of sham and deception.

Did you finish, my dear?

Finish? Oh, I graduated from
college, if that's what you mean.

Heh.

A college graduate
from across the sea.

But it might be most interesting
to add you to our faculty.

What's this about
aftergrass, Batman?

I'm quite interested in
fog lawns, Lord Ffogg.

There it is. Help yourself.

BARBARA: As nice a lawn as
millionaire Bruce Wayne's, Batman?

A fine stand of fog
grass, Ms. Gordon.

He was on our ship, you know.

I wonder where he's
staying in Londinium.

I can't help you
there, Ms. Gordon.

A handsome fog lawn, Lord Ffogg.

My, what an interesting pi...

One of my most beloved
possessions, Batman.

I promised them a look around
the school, Lady Peasoup.

Heh. What fun.

Uh, Lady Prudence, perhaps you
would show Robin around the grounds...

while I take care of the others.

Smashing.

Could I be excused from the tour,
Lady Peasoup, and use your phone?

I just remembered, an old
friend of mine from Gotham City...

may be living close by.

Of course, my dear.

[BELL RINGING]

Now, Basil, will you please show
Ms. Gordon the telephone in the hall?

Of course, Your Ladyship.

And we can start with the judo
room in the girl's gymnasium.

A judo room? An unlikely
sport for young gentlewomen.

[CHUCKLES]

Quick, Scudder, it's bug
time. Advise the others.

Operator, I'd like...

I'd like the number of Londinium's Temporary
Visitors' Registration Office, please.

NARRATOR: Shortly, in the Londinium
Batcave near the Queen's Highway...

But how in the world
did you find me, miss?

I'll explain later,
Alfred. But right now...

Just a minute.

I've slipped an anti-eavesdrop
plug into the phone, Alfred.

Now, you can do me
a great favor if you'll...

NARRATOR: While in the dormitory of Lady
Peasoup's pretty little student bodies...

Oh, isn't Batman the grooviest?

You're right, Duchess.

And that Robin. I'm
out of my skin over him.

I wish we'd stolen some sharp
threads today on Barnaby Street.

Instead of that old silver tea
service His Lordship wanted.

You two flunked your course in
thread lifting, don't you remember?

- Well, you'll have to take it over.
- Oh, and that Lady Prudence.

Her father's pet.

Well, let's just hope
she isn't talking too much.

I guess I've been
talking too much.

But this place is greeby.

Greeby?

It's supposed to be
a finishing school.

We're being finished all
right, with an MS degree.

- MS?
- Mistresses of Shoplifting.

That's what Lady Peasoup
meant about using our wits.

Holy contributing to the
delinquency of minors.

But you won't tell Batman, will you?
I'd be roped out with the governor.

Roped out with the governor?

In big trouble with my father.

NARRATOR: While on
another section of the grounds...

What's that, Lady Peasoup?

Oh. A beehive.

Special pets of Lord Ffogg's.

African death bees.

One sting and you're
finished. Ha, ha.

But he has so
few other interests.

But where is Ms. Gordon?

I haven't the foggiest notion.

Strange you should put it
just that way, Lord Ffogg.

She has left.

Basil was telling me that
the friend that she called...

is picking her up outside.

She said she'd phone
her father and explain.

And she does hope you
understand, superintendent.

Hmm. It seems very odd.

She also says that
she'll call me later.

She might be interested in
joining our faculty, Marmaduke.

Uh, for a short while, anyway.

Perhaps we ought
to be leaving, Batman.

A pity.

Maybe you could head back for your
office. We'll join you as soon as Robin...

- I'm right here,
Batman. BATMAN: Good.

Good day, Lord Ffogg.

We found your fog
lawn most impressive.

Thank you, Batman. I'm
sorry you found me indisposed.

- Lady Peasoup.
PEASOUP: I'll see you out.

Our servants are at tea. Ha, ha.

Well, Prudence, how did
you make out with Robin?

He's greeby, governor.

Perhaps we've seen the last of
those two Dynamic Dunderheads...

if the household
staff aren't still at tea.

NARRATOR: And on a
country road near Ffogg Place...

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this, Alfred.

No trouble, miss. Your
directions were perfect.

I found the key to
the flat you rented...

borrowed this cab from my second
cousin, Cuthbert, and, hey, presto...

- Batgirl's clothes.
- Oh, thank you, Alfred.

Something's very
wrong in Ffogg Place.

I'm afraid Batman and Robin
are headed for a lot of trouble.

Of course, as usual...

our secret must
not be disclosed.

Mum's the word, miss. Would
you like me to wait for you?

Oh, no, I'll be all right.

NARRATOR: So while Barbara Gordon begins her
tantalizing transformation into Batgirl...

the visitors leave Ffogg Place
and start back to Londinium.

Through the
fog-free countryside.

But what's this?

Holy roadblocks.

And some rather unholy
highwaymen, I'm afraid, Robin.

Shouldn't be too hard
to take that Batman.

He looks like a
slow bowler to me.

And that youngster...

we'll make mincemeat out of him.

Why wait?

Come on, governor.

Get out of that car.

Come on, mate.

Shake a leg.

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

- Batgirl.
- Batgirl?

Holy show-ups, that Batgirl.

She does make a colorful
reinforcement, all right.

I don't want her to think
we can't fight our battles.

Gosh, no, Batman.

What do you suppose
she's doing in Londinium?

Where do you suppose she went?

I can't answer the first. I've never
been able to answer the second.

- And where do you suppose she went in?
- Or on.

Those thugs looked like the
footman, the butler, the chauffeur.

I did notice a similarity.

Let's go back to Ffogg Place
and clean it up once and for all.

Unless Lady Prudence was
conning me, plenty to clean up.

I'm sure there is, but
it's hostile territory.

I suggest we return to our Londinium
Batcave and regroup our forces.

Right as rain, Batman.

Why on Earth did you invite that
girl to join our faculty, Penelope?

She's the daughter of Gotham
City's police commissioner.

Who no doubt has a direct
line to Batman himself.

- Wherever he may be.
- Oh, but that's exactly why I did it, Marmaduke.

To keep an eye on the doings of
the Batman brigade through her.

And if necessary, we
would have a hostage.

You're a dizzily clever woman.

Holy surprise parties.

NARRATOR: Has Basil,
Lord Ffogg's friendly butler...

succeeded in befogging
the Dynamic Duo?

Is Batman up against
a sticky wicket?

Our next episode will give you
much more than a foggy notion.