03x15 - The Ogg Couple

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: A typically
beautiful day in Gotham City.

But the return of a dastardly
duo and their deadly dragoons...

bodes darkening clouds.

- Let me help you cross, ma'am.
- Why thank you, sonny.

[COSSACKS SHOUTING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Look out, ma'am!
- Oh! Oh!

[HORSES GALLOPING BY]

I can't believe my eyes, sonny.

That looks like a
band of Cossacks.

Yes, ma'am, it does.

Olga, Olga, wait for me.

Wait for me, Olga.

I do believe that's Egghead,
the notorious arch-criminal.

But why is he riding that burro?

What are those Cossacks
doing in Gotham City?

NARRATOR: Good questions, indeed.
And the ominous answers are not far away.

At the Gotham City Museum...

[COSSACKS SHOUTING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Wait a minute, what's going on here?
- Oh, is nothing going on, my little piroshki.

Nothing to worry
your head about.

Come back here, you.

You can't do this.

Is there...

Silver Scimitar of Taras Bulbul.

Never to be pulled out except by rightful
heir to throne of Bessarovian Cossacks.

By me, Queen Olga...

legitimate ruler of
Bessarovian Cossacks.

You'll never get away
with this, you scoundrel!

Shh. This is a
museum. Quiet, please.

Olga?

Olga, you could at least give me
a horse. I can't keep up with you.

I'm eggs-hausted.

Only Bessarovian Cossacks are riding horses,
darling. All others are having burros.

All right, all right. As long
as you remember our bargain.

I am remembering, darling.

Silver Scimitar for me...

- golden egg for you.
- Heh, heh.

Imperial queen is ready.

[GRUNTING]

[CONTINUES GRUNTING]

Is done.

I, Olga, am possessor of
Silver Scimitar of Taras Bulbul.

And I, Egghead, am possessor
of the solid gold egg. Unh!

Now let's get out of here fast
before the Gotham City cops arrive.

Oh, do not worry
about cops, darling.

My Cossacks are making
cops-burgers from them if they buttinsky.

Fine, fine, but let's
get out of here anyway.

[EGGHEAD GRUNTING]

The Egg of Ogg and
the Bulbul Scimitar?

We'll get on it at once.

The Bulbul Scimitar?
The Egg of Ogg?

That's right, Chief O'Hara. A frightening
theft from the Gotham City Museum.

But what makes it even more
frightening is who perpetrated it.

From all descriptions...

apparently Olga, Egghead, and
that band of Bessarovian Cossacks.

Begorra. I thought
Egghead was behind bars...

and the Bessarovians had
been sent back to Bessarovia.

Bessarovia didn't
want the Bessarovians.

And Egghead's out
on a legal technicality.

There's only one
person who can help us.

Batman.

Oh, but I can hardly bring
myself to call him again.

- Want me to call him?
- No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Give me a moment to summon
my strength and courage.

For if ever strength and courage were
needed in Gotham City, Chief O'Hara...

it's needed now.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Gosh, Bruce, that Genghis
Khan was quite a guy.

In the 13th century, he and his
Mongol armies almost conquered Europe.

Yes, d*ck, the Mongols
are fierce warriors.

Even today you can find pockets
of them scattered throughout Asia.

[PHONE BEEPING]

- I'll get it, sir.
- Thank you.

One moment, commissioner.

Excuse me, sir, but Commissioner
Gordon wishes to speak to you...

about certain pockets of
criminal activity in Gotham City.

Thank you, Alfred.
Yes, commissioner?

The Bulbul Scimitar
and the Egg of Ogg?

I see.

We'll be right down.

To the Batpoles.

There's no doubt it was
Egghead, Olga, and the Cossacks?

- None.
- Galloping through the streets they were too.

My department's had a dozen calls reporting
a band of horsemen on the loose again.

- Holy Tartars.
- Unholy Tartars, Robin.

Stealing scimitars and golden
eggs from a museum is one thing...

but when the average citizen on the street is
in peril, something must be done and quickly.

Like rounding the interlopers
up and shipping them out.

Ha, ha. That's just it.
Nobody wants them.

Still, they have no
diplomatic immunity...

from the laws of this city,
this state and this country.

Gosh, no, and
Egghead doesn't either.

He's a very stupid man,
compounding all his felonies.

Women like Olga have been the downfall of
far wiser men than Egghead, commissioner.

No, the invasion was
just the beginning...

of the new nefarious
plan of pilfer and plunder...

involving, no doubt, more
egg targets of some kind.

We'll make a list of every egg
target left in Gotham City, Batman.

NARRATOR: But while the dynamic
duo are organizing their defense...

ALL: Hey, hey, hey!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Oh, must they make so much
noise, Olga? I can't hear myself think.

It is victory
celebration, Eggski.

Cossack without victory
dance is like egg without salt.

Well, that hits me
where I live. Heh, heh.

Well, let them dance.

There'll be bigger victories than this,
and soon eggs-quisite victories. Heh, heh.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- You have plans, Eggski?
- Big plans, Olga, big plans.

The Scimitar of Taras Bulbul,
the golden Egg of Ogg...

are only the beginning of a
series of dastardly plans...

that will leave Gotham
City begging for mercy.

Mercy! Ha!

- My Cossacks are not giving mercy.
- No, of course not. Mm.

You lovely, evil woman, not a
drop of mercy. Heh, heh, heh.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

You are heartless, hairless man.

I'm liking you more and more.

Oh, and I you, Olga. I, you.

Our meeting was destiny.

- And after we're married, Olga, we...
- Ah.

Hold horses, Eggski.

I told you before, no
marriage without dowry.

But why do you think I'm planning
all of these crimes for us, Olga?

No, the loot will
be your dowry...

and then we can
be properly married.

I must have big dowry.

- Dowry fit for queen, imperatritsa.
- And you will, Olga.

You will, yes.

Yes, the series of crimes that I am planning
will net you the largest dowry in history.

What is next crime?

We're heisting a certain
vault full of dehydrated roe.

Row? As in boat?

No, no. Roe as in fish egg.
And fish egg as in caviar.

And caviar as in a certain
special cold-storage vault...

at the Gotham City bank.

Yes, a shipment of 500 pounds.

It was a gift from the czar of
Samarqand to the people of Gotham City.

And it's worth $200 an ounce.

You won't have
lunch with me, Daddy?

I only wish I could, darling, but Gotham
City is in too much danger right now...

for the police commissioner
to take a leisurely lunch...

- much as I'd like to.
- Danger?

Incredible as it sounds, there is a
band of Bessarovian Cossacks...

- loose in Gotham City.
- You mean again?

They're back? That's incredible.

But true, sad to say.

If the dynamic duo weren't
helping us, I don't know what I'd do.

This is just between
you and me, of course.

Now, I don't want it to spread, or
there might be panic in the streets.

Don't worry. I only wish there
was something I could do to help.

There is something you
can do. You can help...

by going straight home
and staying out of trouble.

Okay. I'll go straight home.

But this is no time for me to stay out of
trouble or off the streets. Right, Charlie?

However, I will change
clothes before I go out again.

Come on, keep me company.

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

But you mustn't tell
anyone what you see in here.

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

NARRATOR: As Barbara Gordon makes
her astonishing change into Batgirl...

and heads out on her own to
prevent panic in the streets...

the Caped
Crusaders are not idle.

"The Lo Hung Company,
makers of egg drop soup...

Canes Candy Company,
manufacturers of chocolate Easter eggs."

Well, that's the
last of them, Robin.

We've alerted every
company in Gotham City...

that's even remotely
connected with eggs.

You think Olga and Egghead might be
planning some crime not connected with eggs?

I doubt it, Robin. Like all criminals, Egghead
follows a particular predictable pattern.

But although we know the pattern,
we don't know the particular crime.

We also don't know what part
Olga and her Cossacks will play.

Quite true, Robin.

And I've been racking
my brains trying to...

Wait a minute.

What country is located
next to Bessarovia?

- Samarqand, I think.
- Correct.

And both countries lie
quite close to the Black Sea.

What do you know
about the Black Sea?

Well, it's famous for its
sturgeon, its caviar... Caviar!

Right. Caviar, fish eggs.

And the king of Samarqand
recently sent a gift of 500 pounds...

of dehydrated royal
caviar to Gotham City.

What's Gotham City gonna do with
500 pounds of dehydrated caviar?

No one could decide.
So it's being stored...

in a specially-cooled vault
at the Gotham National Bank.

- And it's worth $200 an ounce. So...
- So?

Let's go.

Now that we've moved most of
our cash to our upstate branch...

I feel much better.

With Egghead in
town, no bank is safe.

[HORSES GALLOPING AND COSSACKS
SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What's that?

The Cossacks!

Do not draw revolver,
little shmyerdski...

or I am having Ossip
bash you to beatniks.

Ossip, remove revolver
from little shmyerdski.

You are head man here?

Yes, and you might as well turn right
around and go back where you came from.

There's no money in that vault.

But we will make
look-see anyway, no?

Ha. Go ahead. We shipped
all of our money upstate.

Ha, ha.

Perhaps we're not
coming for money.

Ha, ha, ha. There's
nothing else in there.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Perhaps you are
forgetting the caviar?

[GASPS]

Good heavens, the caviar!

Old Cossack saying: Do not make
"ha" before eggs are safe. Hm?

Inside. Snatch the caviar
and make fast goodbye.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Whoa!

Egghead!

Who did you expect, Batman? Where
are Olga and her Cossacks? Eggs-plain.

Oh, you're late.

They've already
left with my caviar.

Why won't that woman slow
down? I'll never catch up with her.

sh**t him! He's in league
with that Cossack g*ng.

Oh, no, no. Don't sh**t, please.

NARRATOR: At least Batgirl's
found a one-man panic in the streets.

Oh, protect me, Batgirl. That
monster is going to sh**t me.

Not so brave when your
henchmen aren't around, are you?

Oh, I never claimed
to be brave, Batgirl.

No, I'm clever and crafty,
but I'm a complete coward.

You won't let him sh**t me?

That depends. Where are the Cossacks
you've been running around with?

Oh, they're gone, Batgirl.
They left before I came.

- Left for where, Egghead?
- I don't know.

No?

Well, they did mention their
destination, but you see...

they speak Bessarovian and
I don't speak the language.

Perhaps there are some other
languages you do know, Egghead.

The language spoken
by that guard's g*n.

Oh, no. Oh, please, you can't
ask me to rat on my friends.

Oh, yes, I can. And you'd
better start ratting fast.

Do you expect me, a
respected arch-criminal...

to fink on my friends like
a common stool pigeon?

Of course.

- All right, I'll do it.
- Let's go.

Oh, but it make take us some time.
You see, my burro is kind of slow.

Forget your burro. Get on the back of
my Batgirl cycle and show me your hideout.

On that thing? But I
might be eggs-tinguished.

All right, then stay here.

But I won't be responsible
for any stray b*ll*ts...

that just might happen your way.

No, wait for me.

Two blocks down and to the left.

Oh, Batman, thank
heaven you're here.

The royal caviar
has been stolen...

by that mad Bessarovian
queen and her henchmen.

I was afraid we might be
too late. Where's Egghead?

He arrived just after they left. We were
about to sh**t... I mean, arrest him...

when Batgirl drove up and convinced
him to take her to his hideaway.

- The Cossacks.
- Exactly, Robin.

Batgirl is a match for any
g*ng of ordinary hoodlums...

but for a wild band of
Bessarovian Cossacks...

even her extraordinary
abilities might not be enough.

Let's go. We have to find
that hideout before she does.

They went down that
street and to the left, Batman.

Thank you, sir.

EGGHEAD: Oh. Oh.

Well, this is it, Batgirl.

We're going in there,
Egghead, and no funny business.

Oh, you can trust me, Batgirl.

I'd sooner trust a snake
with fangs at both ends.

- Mush now.
- Yes.

Here we are, Batgirl. The
hideout is through that door.

Good. Then open the door and
announce me, Egghead. And no tricks.

Tricks?

Oh, Batgirl, how could you
suspect me of trying to trick you?

Hm.

I love caviar.

No testing.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

EGGHEAD: Olga, Olga, my dear.

We have a visitor. Batgirl.

Ah.

[OLGA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Very funny.

What is this joking, Eggski?

Olga, my little bride-to-be, she
was here not two seconds ago.

I brought her here so
that we could ambush her.

The ambush is on the
other foot now, Egghead.

You tricked me.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

And now, my little pipkin...

you will do for
us saber dance...

with frosted swords.

[UPBEAT MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Dance it, yeah!

She's good dancer, Eggski.

Yes, she's dancing to
her grave. Ha, ha, ha.

Naturally.

ROBIN: There it is, Batman.

Yes, Robin. It's fortunate that the turbo engine
on her cycle uses a radioactive spark plug...

so that we were able to trace it
here with our Bat-geiger Counter.

We move carefully, Robin...

so that we'll be able to
take them by surprise.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Now it's your turn to
face the music, Olga.

Very sad we meet at funeral.

Your funeral, Batman.

I believe you overestimate your
undertaking abilities, Egghead.

My Cossacks, hack
them to shashliks.

[FISTS THUMPING]

Give them one for me, Batman.

Eggski, up from there.

Oh, but I might be hurt, Olga.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- You come with me, my little mousenik.
- Ah!

- Grab her.
- Yes.

BATGIRL: Ah! Unh!

We are drowning her in caviar.

[OLGA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Drowning her in caviar.
- Bye, Batgirl.

Come on, go!

BATGIRL: Help, Batman!

I'm drowning! Unh!

I'm also freezing!

Batgirl's being
frozen in that caviar.

There she is.

[BATGIRL GASPING]

Batgirl, I'll untie you.

Thank you, Batman.

They almost turned me
into a human hors d'oeuvre.

What a chilling way to die.

Holy cold creeps. Leave it to crooks
like them to think of a trick like this.

Yes, that's to be
expected, Robin.

The concept of decency
is alien to the criminal mind.

[COSSACKS SHOUTING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

And thanks to me,
they've escaped.

Perhaps crime-fighting is
better left to the men, Batgirl.

Perhaps not.

But this isn't exactly
women's work.

- But I'm no ordinary woman, Batman.
- Agreed.

At least we've recovered
the dehydrated royal caviar.

It's lucky you had me surround
that building once more, Batman.

Olga and Egghead ran right
into the paddy wagon again.

Only this time, they
didn't want to. Heh, heh.

- Forewarned is forearmed, Chief
O'Hara. GORDON: That's true, Batman.

I'm sure they won't find caviar on
the menu at Gotham State Prison.

Probably not, but they will
get a well-balanced diet...

thanks to Warden Crichton's
emphasis on proper nutrition.

GORDON: What is it, Barbara?

I just saw the
strangest-looking car outside.

It was sort of greenish-gold...

and had what looked like
whiskers on its front fenders.

A car with whiskers?

Sounds like Catwoman's
Kitty Car to me, Batman.

Catwoman was driving it.

And if I'm not mistaken, that
arch-criminal the Joker was a passenger.

- Holy here we go again, Batman.
- I'm afraid you're right, old chum.

If Catwoman and Joker
have joined forces...

it sounds like there's trouble
right here in Gotham City.

NARRATOR: And how right he is.

Trouble in a green fright wig.

Trouble in a car with whiskers.

More trouble than the Caped
Crusaders have ever known.

Coming up on our next episode.