03x17 - The Joke's on Catwoman

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: What's this? An ambush outside
the home of millionaire Karnaby Katz?

Where Catwoman, the
Joker, and their evil cohorts...

lie wickedly in wait for Batgirl
and the Caped Crusaders.

Where will we get in touch with
you in case we find more clues?

Where can I get in
touch with you, Batman?

Yes, that has been a
problem, but we'll manage.

We have before.

[BATMOBILE ENGINE STARTS]

[BATMOBILE DRIVES AWAY]

[JOKER CACKLES]

Looking for something, Batgirl?

Like this spark plug, perhaps?

So you didn't leave.

Not only didn't we leave, but
neither did our dependable Cats Paws.

[JOKER CACKLING]

[BATGIRL GRUNTING]

[JOKER CACKLES]

Won't she break through
that thin twine, Catwoman?

I think not, Joker.

Those Cat's Whiskers, a
fiendish invention of mine...

they automatically contract when placed
in close contact with the heat of the body.

[PURRS THEN LAUGHS]

So in seconds, Batgirl
will be strangled to death...

thereby ridding Gotham City
of one-third of the Terrific Trio.

You see, when I
do a job, I do it right.

And why didn't we att*ck
them all while we were at it?

There are only four of
us and three of them.

The odds would
be most perturbing.

Finished?

GIGGLER: Yes, Catwoman.

Soon, so is she. Ha-ha-ha!

Let's get back to the novelty company
and plan our next cataclysmic move.

[JOKER CACKLING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

NARRATOR: Free at last...

as the sprinkling system has
caused the Cat Whiskers to expand...

rather than contract.

You both look a trifle
harassed, sir, if I may say so.

Perhaps this snack will help.

No, thank you, Alfred. You know I
never mix crime-fighting with eating.

Besides, I don't think it'll
help us solve our problem...

- with Catwoman and Joker.
- I could force myself to take a bite.

[BEEPING]

- Yes, commissioner?
- Batgirl just called me, Batman.

She wants you to meet her at the intersection
of Cattail Lane and Ninelives Alley.

That's behind the novelty
manufacturing center...

- of Gotham City.
- She's on the other phone.

- Shall I tell her you'll be there?
- By all means.

Right.

Cattail Lane, Ninelives Alley.

The Grimalkin Novelty
Company is on that corner.

Grimalkin? What
kind of a name is that?

An obscure, but nevertheless
acceptable, synonym for "cat," Robin.

Let's go.

NARRATOR: While the Dynamic
Duo race back to Gotham City...

Catwoman and Joker have
already put their plan into motion.

This is the map which will lead us to the
gunpowder hidden over 200 years ago...

by Garçon Maltese,
the famous crook.

This nightshirt is a map?

It's perfectly obvious, Joker.

And thanks to it, we shall
steal the gunpowder...

then blast our way in and
out of the federal depository.

Well, it's a funny map
without any printing on it.

It's the shape
that's persuasive.

This is a chart of Phony Island, located
on the southern tip of Gotham City.

Oh, and that X mark's the leeward
end, and that's where the stuff is, right?

Wrong. X does not mark the spot.

It's the starting place.

To find the exact location,
we must look at the crib.

It's written backwards
and, heh-heh, in French.

Giggler, get my mirror.

Laugher, get my
French dictionary.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Ooh. That's the first time I
ever heard a cat purr in French.

Skip the flattery, Joker,
and give me the translation.

Oh. "From X on the map, walk
50 meters north, then 50 feet right...

then try to find
the wrong stone."

Now, what's that
supposed to mean?

Exactly the opposite
of what it says.

The poem said it's a fib.

Therefore, we walk 50
meters south, then 50 feet left...

to find the right stone.

Oh, it's easy when
you know the key.

Well, shall we go?

We shall, Joker.

- How about rushing the place, Batman?
- Shh.

I think not, Robin.

All they've done so far is stolen a few
items, attempted to k*ll you, me and Batgirl.

No, I think they plan
something really big.

BATGIRL: Here they come.

Meet us there, boys. The
Kitty Car only holds two.

[GIGGLER & LAUGHER CACKLING]

[JOKER CACKLING]

- They're getting away.
- No, Robin.

I've adjusted the radar on the
Batmobile to allow us to trace them.

By tuning in on sonic
emanations from their motor...

we'll be able to stay up
to five miles behind them...

and still know precisely
where they are.

We'll stay out of their sight
until they reach their destination.

Then and only then
will we pounce on them.

To the Batmobile.

What about my Batgirl Cycle?
It's hidden around the corner.

We'll pick it up later, Batgirl.

It'll be much faster
if we all go together.

Hmm. Cozy.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
Catwoman and Joker...

arrive at the Phony
Island Lighthouse.

Formerly, a busy bastion of
light, but now almost inoperative.

Look for something
marked with an X.

[LAUGHING]

I found it. I found it. I found
the rock with the X mark.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Aha. Good.

From here on in, it should be a piece of
cake. Now, 50 meters south and 50 feet left.

You know, the only trouble with
keeping this lighthouse, Mr. Keeper...

is that there isn't enough for a
lighthouse keeper to keep keeping.

Mrs. Keeper, I'm the
lighthouse keeper.

- You just keep the lighthouse clean.
- Clean?

All I do is vacuum
the upstairs bedroom.

What kind of life is that for a stylish,
attractive, sophisticated, intelligent woman?

Mrs. Keeper, when you married me,
you know'd I was a lighthouse keeper.

- You know'd it'd be a lonely life.
- I thought it sounded romantic.

But there's nothing romantic
about shipwrecks and seagulls.

Mrs. Keeper, we haven't
had a shipwreck in two days.

Of course, we haven't. The light's
out in the lighthouse half the time.

You'd think a lighthouse keeper
would know how to keep his...

- Just stop talking.
- Stop talking?

Then I'd really have nothing to do
except vacuum the upstairs bedroom.

Well, at least
stop talking to me.

Here, you can
talk to our visitors.

Visitors? What visitors?

There's a whole bunch of
strangers headed in our direction.

Forty-six, 47, 48, 49, 50.

Now 50 feet left.

One, two, three, four...

Well, what do you know? Company.

I'd better get back upstairs
and vacuum the bedroom.

Vacuum the bedroom? What
are you going up there for?

Every five minutes, you're going
upstairs to do some vacuuming.

Forty-six, 47, 48, 49, 50.

Should be around here
somewhere unless I counted wrong.

Maybe feet were
smaller in those days.

JOKER: You sure
you figured everything?

I never make a mistake.

[GIGGLER & LAUGHER CACKLING]

Look what we found upstairs.

Unhand me, you
underhanded bully.

Well, what do we have here?

I am the lighthouse keeper.
This is my missus, Mrs. Keeper.

And this is private property.

A lighthouse? Private
property? Oh-ho-ho!

Well, private public property.

It means you keep off!

I think we've heard enough.

Let's get them.

No. You're kaput.

Finis, defunct.

We're very much not defunct,
Joker. Neither is Batgirl.

This is some sort of perfidious
trick. I'll bet it's done with mirrors.

The mirror is broken, Catwoman.
The last cat has crossed our path.

From now on, all
the luck is with us.

Unhand those two
helpless people.

Look. There it is.
The gunpowder.

It's all clearly marked.

- Gunpowder? BATMAN:
Put that match out, you fool.

It's going to explode.

- Let's get out of here.
- There's no time.

Stay calm, everybody.

Stay calm, everyone.

Holy return from
oblivion. We're still alive.

Yes, Robin. Still alive.

In the split second before the
actual detonation of the gunpowder...

I was able to infuse this one
room with Anti-Blast Batpowder.

Oh, very clever.

I should say so.

But what about the upstairs
bedroom? I just vacuumed it.

The city will make it up to you.
They'll take the cost of your home...

out of Catwoman and Joker's
prison pay for making license plates.

That's what you say, Batman.

But I say we'll never see
the inside of a prison again.

We're certainly never gonna see the inside
of the federal depository and all that dough.

Maybe later, Joker.

But for now, I want
benefit of counsel.

That's certainly your
privilege, Catwoman.

Can I make my one phone call?

Just don't try any
of your old tricks.

Who are you calling?

Lucky Pierre, the world's greatest
and luckiest criminal attorney.

He's never lost a case.

- Is it a toll call?
- No.

Only local.

This dime should take care of
the telephone call, Mrs. Keeper.

Thanks, Batman. You're
a perfect gentleman.

Hello, Pierre.

This is Catwoman.

C-A-T-W-O-M-A-N.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Batman just caught Joker and
me in the middle of a robbery.

Hmm. Difficult, but not
insurmountable for Lucky Pierre.

Now, be still and
don't utter a meow.

I'll see you in court.

And if all goes well,
knock on wood...

I'll have you sprung
before p*ssy-willow time.

Not good, huh?

Listen, Joker, according
to the pretrial briefs...

there's no way any jury in this
world would fail to convict you.

Any jury?

Well, almost any jury.

To b*at this rap, you'd have to
bribe every citizen of Gotham City.

And that takes
dough. Real dough.

Has the jury been chosen yet?

Batman is in the anteroom,
interviewing them now.

- Batman?
- Yeah, Batman.

Because of his familiarity with the case, the
DA has allowed him to handle the prosecution.

But I get my chance
in a few minutes.

Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury...

Uh, gentlemen of the jury...

we are gathered here today
to prove that Catwoman...

Joker, and their men...

are guilty of several
major offenses.

To wit: robbery,
attempted m*rder...

as*ault and battery, mayhem...

and overtime parking.

I would like to call as my first
witness, Little Louie Groovy.

Sure knows how to handle himself
in the courtroom, commissioner.

Little Louie Groovy,
take the stand.

Would you state your
full name, please?

[BLOWS AIR]

Little Louie Groovy.

Mr. Groovy, on the night
of July 22nd of this year...

were you not robbed of
a very valuable nightshirt?

And was not as*ault
committed upon your personage?

Yeah.

Are the persons who performed these
dastardly deeds present in this courtroom?

Yeah.

For the record, would
you point them out, please?

Those cats over there.

The chick with the swinging outfit, the creep
with the green hair, and those four clowns.

For the record, witness is
pointing to the defendants.

He's so authoritative.

So confident.

The more you work with Batman,
the more amazing he seems.

Cross-examination?

No cross-examination.

I now call Karnaby
Katz to the stand.

No cross-examination.

I call as my final witnesses,
Mr. and Mrs. Keeper.

And that's your
statement, Mr. Keeper.

That's his statement, not mine.

I had just vacuumed
the upstairs bedroom.

And now there's no
bedroom upstairs anymore.

- Please, Mrs. Keeper...
- No.

It's not any place.

That's my statement.

Cross-examination?

No cross-examination.

Thank you.

I can't understand his tactics.

He hasn't cross-examined
one of my witnesses.

He has something up his sleeve, all right.
They don't call him "Lucky Pierre" for nothing.

This is ridiculous. Aren't you
gonna offer some sort of defense?

- I know what I'm doing, Joker.
- Oh!

You're doing fine, Lucky.

Keep your cool.

Batman's about to sum up.

[HISSES]

BATMAN: Gentlemen of the jury...

you've heard the evidence
of 14 separate witnesses...

including Robin the
Boy Wonder, and Batgirl.

Each one of them
corroborating the other's story...

that those
defendants are guilty...

of all the crimes with
which they are charged.

In the interests
of law, order...

justice, good
fellowship, and the flag...

you must convict them...

to keep our streets
safe from evil persons.

Thank you.

- You were great, Batman.
- Sit down, Robin. Thank you.

- Yes, you learned your lessons well, Batman.
- Begorra.

Lucky Pierre is standing.

He's gonna let us have it now.

The defense waives
summation in this case.

We stand on our
plea of not guilty...

and we feel sure that the jury
will bear out the truth in this case.

So be it.

Jury's ordered to the
jury room for deliberation.

No need for that, Your Honor. We
have already made up our minds.

That's a good sign.

This should be some sort of legal
record for convictions by a jury.

We find the
defendants, Catwoman...

Joker, Giggler, Laughter,
Smiley and Gus...

not guilty of any
of the charges.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah.

Order in the
court. Order, I say.

[ALL LAUGHING]

There's something very cat-fishy
about this whole thing, Batman.

- I think it's a fix.
- That's the way the law is, Robin.

They've received a fair trial
and been adjudged not guilty.

Every man is entitled
to his day in court.

We must abide by
the jury's decision.

Normally, after any case, I
never make a statement to the jury.

However, today, I cannot resist.

Never in my 30 years on
the Gotham City bench...

have I ever seen a more callous
disregard for the facts in a case.

You are all to be chastised
for making a travesty...

out of the judicial process.

Aw, stow it, judge. The case
is over. Quit flapping your yap.

JUROR: Yeah.

That's no foreman, that's Marvin the
Moose. He used to work with Catwoman.

And that second fellow
is Dave the Dummy.

He's also worked with Catwoman.

Your Honor, I
move for a new trial.

- On which of several grounds?
- On the grounds of a prejudicial jury.

You don't know how
prejudicial, Batman.

All right, now.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[HISSING]

[HISSING]

[JOKER GRUNTS]

- What now?
- You're on your way to prison, Catwoman.

Will you never learn that
you cannot outwit the law?

Maybe one day I
will, Batman, perhaps.

You'll never succeed in
circumventing justice, Catwoman.

Not as long as honest and dedicated
law enforcers have a breath left.

Oh, forget the morals. Just get us back to jail,
so we don't have to listen to these corny jokes.

But morals are the
stuff men are made of.

And until criminals learn
that, our job will not be done.

However, if and when they do...

we'll be only too ready to
hang up our capes and cowls.

At least we met some
very interesting characters.

Little Louie Groovy, Karnaby
Katz, Mr. and Mrs. Keeper.

Don't forget Lucky Pierre.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

If he hadn't gone so wrong, he
might have had to find career in politics.

Won a gubernatorial race,
or the White House even.

I guess it just
wasn't in the books.

Speaking of books, I promised
I'd call my daughter at the library.

- Ah.
- Bonnie?

NARRATOR: While at the library:

Louie the Lilac.

What are you doing here?

And what are you doing
with that boutonniere?

I remember the time you stunned
my friend Princess Primrose...

with an invisible
knockout spray.

This is not an invisible
knockout spray, Miss Gordon.

It is essence of lilacs.

A scent which I intend to corner
the perfume market of Gotham City.

I thought that the police commissioner's
daughter should be my first recipient.

[PHONE RINGING]

Gotham Public Library.

Oh, Daddy, am I glad you called.

You'll never guess
who was just in here.

Louie the Lilac?

Back in Gotham City?

NARRATOR: And Louie the Lilac
is in indeed back in Gotham City...

and planning much more than
just cornering the perfume market...

as you'll see in
our next episode.