03x18 - Louie's Lethal Lilac Time

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Ambergris Bay outside
Gotham City, where the elite flee the heat.

It's a lovely beach
house, Bruce.

I really haven't
used it very much.

Now that my youthful ward,
d*ck Grayson, is growing up...

- he needs a place to entertain his friends.
- It's just perfect for that.

And I must say I'm honored that you
asked me to help chaperone his party.

Here come the beachcombers.
Better get the hot dogs ready.

Bruce, I think we were followed
from the beach, but I don't know why.

All we did was pick up some
old bottles, some driftwood...

and a bunch of stuff that
looks like soaked graham bread.

Soaked graham bread?

Do you know what this
is, d*ck? It's ambergris.

You mean that stuff given forth by
whales from which they make perfume?

BRUCE: Mm-hm.

Ambergris has a strange fixative quality
which allows perfumes to retain their scent.

A lump this size should be worth
a fortune on the perfume market.

Gosh. Let's go back...

- to see if we can get some
more. MAN: Not so fast, junior.

Hand over that whale grease.

Aren't you gentlemen
being a little presumptuous?

This is private property.

We'll take off, Mac, when
we get what we came after.

Hand it over.

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

Bring the kid and
Mr. Wayne along too.

You, Mac, and junior,
come along with us.

- You can't just barge in...
- This says we can, lady.

Come on, get moving.

I'll introduce myself
later, Mr. Wayne.

I'm sorry, sir, but Batman is
out of the city for a day or so.

No, sir. Master
Robin's with him.

Heh, no, I'm afraid I wouldn't
know how to reach them, sir.

What?

Bruce Wayne and d*ck
Grayson kidnapped at gunpoint?

I... I... But...

I'm sorry if I appear
a trifle upset, sir...

but any citizen of Gotham City would
be shocked at such appalling news.

Oh, this ambergris
will help me greatly...

to convert your priceless lilacs
to priceless oil of lilacs, Louie.

That's good, honey. Good.

But making perfume, even
for such an expert as I...

requires other fixative agents to
set the staying powers in the scent.

Well, name them,
Lotus. Name them.

Nothing is going to stop me from cornering
the lilac perfume market of Gotham City.

And the lilac soap
market, Louie.

LOUIE: The soap market too.

And the lilac cosmetics market.

Cosmetics too.

What do you need, baby?

Well, I need scent pouches of a
number of Abyssinian civet cats.

All right, sure, sure.

The glands of as many
muskrats as possible.

Muskrats, sure, sure.

And a large supply of
beaver castor follicles.

Sure, sure.

And the Tonquin from
a herd of musk deer.

You heard that, boys.

Glands we know about, Louie.
But what is follicles and Tonquins?

What are you, dumb or something?
Don't you understand what she's saying?

She's talking about, uh, scent
pouches, that's what she's talking about.

You guys go and round up
the animals, you understand?

And when you catch them,
put them in the basement.

Now, get going. Get going. Move.

Mr. Wayne, you're gonna
remove those pouches.

I hear you're an international
sportsman and an authority on animals.

How are you doing?

Not too well.

I'm trying to reach Alfred on
my two-way transistor wristwatch.

I seem to be getting a slight beep
from the receiver, but the sender's dead.

What are you two mumbling about?

Just passing the
time of day, Louie.

Let's hope the authorities pass over the million
dollars I'm planning to ask for you shortly.

That's a high price
for two average people.

We're all ready, commissioner.

What's this? Home movies?

We can get no lead whatsoever on the
whereabouts of the Caped Crusaders.

But we have been able,
with some rapid research...

to put together some filmed coverage
of their most outstanding exploits.

Maybe we can find out some new
crime-fighting techniques from it.

- Yeah.
- Okay, Jim.

Now, first, is where that Western bad man,
Shame, cornered them in a cattle stampede.

And next is when Robin, the Boy Wonder,
was almost eaten alive by a giant clam.

And in this one, Mr. Freeze is
making them into Frosty Freezes.

And here they are
chasing King Tut.

That's enough, Jim.

Not much help, anyway.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

- Yes, Bonnie. BONNIE: The
director of the Gotham City Zoo...

- is on your private line, commissioner.
- Thank you, Bonnie.

Yes, Mr. Buck?

Yes, Mr. Buck.

All the Abyssinian
civet cats, beavers...

muskrats and musk
deer in the zoo are gone?

Sorry, but we're as much in the dark as you
are regarding this distressing development.

We have not been
contacted by the kidnappers...

so I have no idea why they're holding
Mr. Wayne and Master Grayson...

and the police have not been
able to reach Batman or Robin.

Mrs. Cooper is upstairs
in a state of shock...

and I appeal to you to respect
what is left of our privacy.

Now, thank you, gentlemen.
Good day. Thank you so much. Yes.

Ms. Gordon.

Your phones have been busy for hours,
Alfred, so I decided to come out here.

[PHONE RINGING]

If you'll excuse me. No doubt
another concerned inquiry.

Yes?

Oh, Governor Stonefellow.

How very thoughtful
of you to call, sir.

No. No, we've had no word. No...

[BATPHONE BEEPING]

Uh, I beg your pardon, sir?

What? No. No, of course.

Yes. Well, uh, I'll tell
Mrs. Cooper, of course.

And, uh, thanks
for your concern.

Ah-ah. Careful. It's
a very dusty duster.

I thought I heard
something bleeping under it.

Hmm? Oh, heh.

The, uh, friendly ghosts
of stately Wayne Manor...

play occasional
tricks on one's ears.

The friendly ghosts have certainly provided
Mr. Wayne with an impressive personal library.

And what a lovely
head of Shakespeare.

No, don't touch that.

I'm sorry, Ms. Gordon...

but it's a prized possession
of my missing employer...

and, uh, in the distressing
circumstances, I...

Of course, Alfred. I understand.

And those distressing circumstances are
what I came out here to talk to you about.

For reasons too
numerous to mention...

I strongly suspect Louie, the Lilac has
kidnapped Mr. Wayne and his youthful ward.

Louie, the Lilac? Did
you tell your father?

No. My father wouldn't
take me seriously.

After all, he knows
nothing of my other identity.

But if you hear anything or get
any messages, please contact me.

It's going to be difficult
without Batman or Robin...

but maybe Batgirl
alone can do something.

I'll contact you, of course.

Thank you, Alfred. I'll
see myself to the door.

NARRATOR: With Bruce Wayne and
d*ck Grayson kidnapped and held hostage...

in the defunct
fragrance factory...

while Louie, the Lilac and
lovely Lotus plot to pillage...

and plunder the
world of perfume...

give us a moment to untangle
this trickily-tangled skein.

The defunct fragrance
factory on Lavender Lane?

Where did you
get that tip, Alfred?

An, uh, anonymous
informant, miss.

I'll check it out at once,
and thanks for calling me.

Well, Charlie, Batgirl
rides again and alone.

[CHARLIE SQUAWKS]

Who are you? What
are you doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry, miss. I'm the
maintenance man, the new one.

I thought you were out, so I took
my keys and came up the back way.

The people downstairs were complaining
about the grinding noise up here.

Did you know that
this wall revolves?

I know the wall revolves.

Apparently, it was built to do
just that for a previous tenant.

Uh, but, sir, you don't have to
pry it open. I usually use this door.

Where does it go?

To a secret closet
behind the wall.

I use it for extra
storage space.

Would you like to see it?

Well, sure, sure. I'm a
sucker for secret closets.

- Right this way.
- Yes, ma'am.

Not much, is it?

Nothing for the neighbors
to complain about.

[GUS CHUCKLES]

- I don't know what they're talking about.
- Neither do I.

And as you say, you never
use the revolving door anyway.

No, no, of course not.

Well, I'm very sorry I surprised you, lady.
I really am. And I'll never do it again.

Yes. Well, it's not very wise of
you. I keep several g*ns here.

And an innocent maintenance man
makes a pretty good target sometimes.

Oh. Don't you worry, lady. I'll never use
my passkey to come in the back way again.

Never.

And, uh, you can
make book on that.

Bye, now. Bye.

[SIGHS]

That was a close call, Charlie.

[SQUAWKING]

NARRATOR: So once again, Barbara Gordon
begins her tantalizing transformation.

And shortly emerges from
her secret exit as Batgirl.

Even as the Batmobile arrives in
Gotham City during a passing shower...

without a driver...

which Alfred is explaining
to his abducted employer.

I trust you're receiving
me, sir, wherever you are.

And wherever you are, I believe
I've located you. Help is on the way.

I'm advising Commissioner
Gordon of your whereabouts...

and I took the liberty of sending in
the Batmobile by remote Bat-control...

in case it can do its
bit, sir. Over and out.

Hear that?

Most of it. Too bad there's
no way to get back to him.

LOUIE: Now what are
you two mumbling about?

[SNIFFING]

What's that awful odor?

It's all over the place.

Saffron and Sassafras must
have arrived in the basement...

with the Abyssinian
civet cats, the muskrats...

and the beavers
and the musk deer.

We sure did.

And you intend to make perfume
out of those smelly animals?

Oh, no, Louie.
Out of their glands.

Oh, yes. Which Mr. Wayne
is going to remove.

Untie our prisoners, gentlemen.

Don't bother, Lilac.

I have no intention of
performing that operation.

It's illegal. It's nothing
short of criminal mutilation.

I'm sure hunger, thirst and exhaustion
will help you change your mind about...

cooperating with me, Mr. Wayne.

NARRATOR: Is time running
out for Louie, the Lilac...

as the driverless Batmobile
arrives on Lavender Lane?

Next, Batgirl.

And finally, the police.

News travels fast, Batgirl.

And apparently, Batman
and Robin even faster.

Some seventh sense must have told
them the dire dilemma facing Gotham City.

Right, begorra. And
brought them home.

If they're inside this defunct
factory, perhaps we can help them.

Flanagan, the horn.

Louie, the Lilac, Police
Commissioner Gordon speaking.

We have you surrounded.

Come out with your hostages
with your hands raised.

And with that herd of
animals you've h*jacked.

What will we do now, Louie?

Just this.

I have my own bullhorn right
here in my lilac boutonniere.

Commissioner Gordon, it's
lilac time for you, commissioner.

Do you hear me? Lilac time.

So vacate this area along
with your men at once.

One move to interrupt what I have
planned will result in the demise...

of millionaire Bruce Wayne and
his youthful ward, d*ck Grayson.

Batman and Robin
can't be inside yet.

Perhaps they've gone
around back to find a way in.

Sure, and it's possible.

The Dynamic Duo
would never... What...?

What happened to Batgirl?

Oh, well, apparently,
she's gone to join them.

We'll stay right where we
are and see what happens.

Flanagan, on the alert.

Louie, the police
haven't left yet.

And the Batmobile's out there
and that putt-putt of Batgirl's.

And Batgirl's in here.

No, Batgirl. Get out. Quick.

LOUIE: Grab her! Grab her!

[BATGIRL LAUGHS]

He's stunned her.

With some invisible spray
from his lilac boutonniere.

Now I have three hostages.

And if anyone tries to inv*de
this place, they will die instantly.

Lotus, what do you call the process
for extracting the scent from blossoms?

Maceration. When the flowers
are steeped in vats of hot oil.

Hot oil, of course.

Bar all entrances. Lock the
cellarway into the basement.

When the Dynamic Duo and those
dandelions make their appearance...

they'll be greeted by a
unique new fragrance:

Cologne de Batgirl.

NARRATOR: So
the minutes tick by...

and Batgirl is placed
in a macerating vat...

into which Lotus will
shortly pump boiling oil.

Just a minute, Louie.

If you'll spare that
brave young girl's life...

I'll remove the scent
pouches from those animals.

Sounds like a fair deal.

I have your word?
You'll let her live?

k*lling Batgirl was never part
of my original plan, Mr. Wayne.

What equipment would
you need for your operation?

I'll need two glasses
of warm water.

Two glasses of warm water?

Yes, warm water plays a major part
in newly-perfected animal surgery.

Okay. Untie them.

Give them two glasses of warm
water and lock them in the basement.

Batgirl dies anyway.

I was hoping you'd
say that, Louie.

Are you ready?

No, not quite.

The oil won't flow freely
until it's really boiling.

There's your two glasses
of warm water, Mac.

And down there are
your pungent patients.

Gosh, Bruce. Those muskrats
and musk deer are sure musky.

- Forget them. There's not much time.
- But what are we gonna do with the water?

Here, hold them.

What are those?

The latest invention of Batman.

Instant unfolding
Bat-costumes...

complete with utility belts.

Drop it in the water.

Watch.

d*ck: They're opening up.

Like those paper Chinese flowers
do when they're dropped in water.

Isn't the oil boiling yet?

Just starting. I can pump
it into the vat in a moment.

[OIL BUBBLING] [BELL DINGS]

Holy finishing touches.

But now what? That door's
bolted on the other side.

That window, we use our Bat-hooks
and our laser bar cutter. Let's go.

What in the world could
be happening in there?

Maybe he's k*lled them all.

- Including Batman and Robin.
- He didn't k*ll Batman and Robin.

We were trying to break
in a rear entrance, no luck.

We saw enough to
believe Batgirl's in danger.

If you can loan us your shoulders,
we'll break in the front way.

Yes, certainly. Right,
boys, give them a hand.

O'HARA: All right, here
we go, boys. Follow me.

Right over this way. Here we go.

Get them, get them, get them!

Tell me something, Batgirl.
How did you get out of that vat?

With my Batgirl vat opener.

After Louie's knockout
spray wore off.

We'd better get Bruce Wayne and
d*ck Grayson. They're in the basement.

We'll take care of that,
Batgirl. You've had a tough day.

You go outside and get Commissioner Gordon
in here to pick up this lavender mob.

Right.

Let's hurry, Robin.

O'HARA: All right, men,
round them all up here.

Take them over there.

There's one thing you may not
know about lilacs, commissioner.

The rarest of them all, genus
Louie, may be cut way back...

but always grows again...

and never dies.

Take him away, Jim.

Believe me, we're grateful
that you're all still alive.

Where are Batman and Robin?

Say, that's right.

That's odd.

Oh, they just kept going. They
said they had pressing business.

GORDON: The
Batmobile, it's gone.

BATGIRL: That's right.

How did you do it?

The sending device in my
watch started working again.

I was able to tell Alfred to activate
the Batmobile's remote controller.

The Dynamic Duo may be
gone, but that basement...

is full of Abyssinian civet cats,
muskrats, beaver and musk deer.

And gosh, do
they smell terrible.

Well, another canny,
colorful crook is in the clink.

That tuckered-out police commissioner
is gonna breathe much easier...

on his West Cape cruise.

West Cape cruise?

I think I've earned myself
a little vacation, Bruce.

And the department's in good
hands with Chief O'Hara at the helm.

- When do you leave, commissioner?
- End of the week. Why?

Uh, it's just that...

You look as though I were committing some
sort of criminal act by taking a vacation.

As I was saying, commissioner...

Gotham City is planning a civic
luncheon in your honor next week.

My honor?

It was supposed
to be a surprise.

But now the cat's
out of the bag.

Well, there goes the
West Cape cruise.

I'm deeply touched.

And, uh, just between
the four of us, I, uh...

I'll certainly try to act surprised
at this, uh, surprise luncheon.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

NARRATOR: Commissioner Gordon won't have to
act surprised at the affair in his honor.

He's going to get the
surprise of his life...

from that dauntless champion of
women's rights, Ms. Nora Clavicle.

He certainly is.

Especially when he discovers...

he's ex-Police
Commissioner Gordon.