03x20 - Penguin's Clean Sweep

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Batman". Aired: January 12, 1966 – March 14, 1968.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Series follows on Batman and Robin as they defend Gotham City from its various criminals.
Post Reply

03x20 - Penguin's Clean Sweep

Post by bunniefuu »

A peaceful day in Gotham City.

But at the Gotham
City branch of the Mint...

the peace is about to be shattered
by a familiar feathered felon.

- Hey...
- Get going. Hwah, hwah, hwah.

Come on, follow me.

- Hands up.
- Penguin, what do you want here?

I'm here to get a gift for my lady
love. What do you want, my dear?

Well, I don't know, Pengy.

Um, ha, ha. What do they have?

Ha, ha. Well, there's a very
fine ink. Would you like that?

- Just plain ink?
- Green ink.

Green ink, my love. And here's
some fine paper. You get the idea?

- Oh, Pengy, I'm beginning to catch on.
- Of course, you are.

You see, green ink and paper
make a very interesting combination.

Perfect.

There's your money.
Wheelbarrows full of money.

And when Barbara told me
she'd been elected chairman...

of the Gotham City
anti-littering campaign...

- Daddy arranged for this meeting, Bruce.
- I'm glad he did, Barbara.

Never hurts to remind
anyone of the litter basket.

Gosh, yes. A clean
city is a healthy city.

- Then we can count on your support.
- Of course.

A call for Commissioner
Gordon, sir.

- Take it there.
- Oh, thank you, Alfred.

Commissioner Gordon.

Terrible news, Chief O'Hara.

Use the red phone and
call Batman immediately.

I'll hold on to this line.

- Anything serious, commissioner?
- Penguin's just been reported in the Mint.

Penguin in the Mint? That is serious.
- Yeah.

Oh, sir, this is perhaps
an inopportune moment...

but the downstairs hot water
line has burst once again...

and the shut-off valve
seems to be rusted up.

I'll give you a hand, Alfred.
Would you excuse me?

Yeah, surely, surely.

Maybe I didn't work it right.

Yes, chief... Commissioner.

It's Chief O'Hara, Batman.

- Oh, oh.
- The commissioner is visiting Bruce Wayne.

He wanted me to call you and
tell you that The Penguin is back...

- and he's broken into the Mint.
- Is he still in the Mint, chief?

No, drat the luck. He's
already made his escape.

We'll be right down, chief.

The dynamic do-gooders.

You've been helping old ladies
across the street, Batman? Hwah, hwah.

We're going to help you into
a jail cell, you beaked buffoon.

Leave my beak out of
this, you baby barnacle.

- Let's get them, Batman.
- No, no! Stop this loutish v*olence...

you teenage truant.

It offends my cultured soul.

Hwah, hwah, hwah.

Hwah, hwah, hwah.

Come on.

There's the
blue-coated baboon...

and his boorish boss.

Perfect witnesses, Pengy,
when you bring suit for false arrest.

False arrest?

I'm afraid it's
true, Boy Wonder.

You mean, The Penguin has
committed no crime, Chief O'Hara?

He didn't steal a
thing from the Mint.

Not one red cent, Batman. I
just talked to the supervisor.

I didn't steal a thing.

And what do you say to a
million-dollar lawsuit, eh?

What do you say to the fact that you're
still guilty of breaking and entering...

- and therefore your arrest was not false?
- What?

By golly, you're right, Batman.

The slimy bird
outsmarted himself.

This is trickery. This is
low, conniving trickery.

The only trickery was
on your part, Penguin.

So for the present, you drop
the lawsuit, we'll drop the charges.

Now, Commissioner Gordon,
would you like us to show...

these uninvited guests
out of your office?

Very definitely, Batman.

- Hwah. We're going. That's right, we're going.
- Or maybe you'd like a helping hand, huh?

You sure outwitted that
waddling weasel, Batman.

But why did you let him go?

We couldn't have held him long on
those minor charges, commissioner.

He must've gone daft, breaking
into the Mint for no reason.

- I'm sure he had a reason, Chief O'Hara.
- But if he didn't take anything out of the Mint...

- Maybe he put something in.
- Batgirl.

How did you know
about this, Batgirl?

I just happened to be
driving by the Mint, Batman...

and saw the police cars. Why?

Oh, just curious. But your
hunch is a shrewd one, Batgirl.

I might also add, the police
found all the Mint employees...

fast asleep. BATMAN: Asleep?

Penguin always uses gas, Batman.

But Penguin gas
wears off quickly, Robin.

I suggest we take a tour of that
Mint. We'll be in touch, commissioner.

Great Scott.

Take a look, Robin.

Looks like a bunch of
miniature tadpoles, Batman.

Batgirl?

Bacteria.

They seemed to be of
the species somnophilia.

Somnophilia lygeria
to be exact, Batgirl.

Lygerian Sleeping Sickness.

They're normally carried
by the Lygerian fruit fly.

In this case, Penguin was able
to plant a culture of the bacteria...

in the ink used in
making this money.

Officer, have any bills been shipped
out of here since Penguin made his raid?

I'm afraid so, Batman.

Gotham National Bank picked
up a load not half an hour ago.

There's no time to lose.
Batgirl, you go to the bank.

Robin and I will go to Gotham General
Hospital and meet you later at the bank.

The hospital?

Yes, it's the only place in the country
that carries a supply of B-6 vaccine.

And B-6 vaccine is the only known
antidote for Lygerian Sleeping Sickness.

Holy hypodermics. We'd
better get our hands on it fast.

But at the Gotham
General Hospital...

a certain well-known bird is
up to his usual well-known tricks.

Hurry up with that hypo.

And give him a double dose too.

Gee, boss, do I have to?

Unless you wanna sleep
the rest of your life, dolt.

There is no fun in
that, is there, Dustbag?

All right, jab him.

Go ahead...

before I do some jabbing myself.

Very good. Now we're all inoculated.
Where's the rest of the vaccine?

Come on, hand it over...

before I demonstrate the famous
Penguin technique of open-heart surgery.

Very good. Is this all of it?

Huh? You don't
talk much, do you?

He's a mute doctor.
Here we are. Ah.

Now we're the only
people in Gotham City...

protected against the Lygerian
Sleeping Sickness. Hwah, hwah, hwah.

You're not protected against
a good right jab, you slimy bird.

It's beddy-bye for you, Penguin.

Nobody catches The Penguin
sleeping, dynamic dreamers.

Try this on for size.

The lethal Lygerian fruit fly.

Pleasant dreams, Batfink.

Look out, Robin.
They are deadly.

Missed. They're
too fast, Batman.

What about the
Insecticide Bat-b*mb?

I left it in the Batmobile.

But we dare not open that door
until all three of these flies are dead.

Fortunately I brought my
All-Purpose Bat-Swatter.

- You got one, Batman.
- Touché.

You got another one.

That means there's
one left, Robin.

Batman.

Don't breathe, Robin.

Hold perfectly still. This
calls for the Bat-tweezers.

One bite from this
fruit fly, Robin...

and you might have
been asleep for years.

Holy Rip van Winkle.

But this specimen might prove
quite rewarding research-wise.

Hold that, Robin.

In the bottle.

Gingerly, gingerly.

Ah. Doctor, has Penguin
disposed of all that B-6 vaccine?

I'm afraid so, and the only
other supply is in Lygeria.

Telephone Lygeria. Have them fly
fruit fly vaccine here immediately.

All right, Batman, but
"immediately" means 24 hours.

Twenty-four hours of hope.

Hope that Penguin has no
more of those fruit flies on hand.

And that Batgirl reached Gotham National to
prevent circulation of the infected money.

Yes, that money can be as dangerous
as those fruit flies. To the bank, Robin.

Well, we're out
or luck, Batgirl.

Thirteen thousand dollars
has already been distributed.

- To whom?
- To whomever came in today.

Then that infected money could be
anywhere in Gotham City right now.

We missed, Batman, 13,000
infected dollars have already gone out.

- What about the vaccine?
- Penguin b*at us to it.

And it'll take at least 24 hours
before we can get any more.

That means everyone in Gotham City will be
vulnerable to Lygerian Sleeping Sickness...

because of those
contaminated bills.

Yes, there's only
one thing to do.

May I use your telephone?

Commissioner.

I want you to notify all radio and TV
stations to broadcast the following message:

"Some of the money now circulating in
Gotham City carries a deadly disease.

No one is to handle
any of this money.

Repeat. No one is to come in
contact with any of this money."

Isn't that rather
drastic, Batman?

There's no other
way, commissioner.

We don't know what money is
infected and what money is not.

We must prevent
contact with any of it.

Of course, Batman.
I'll see to it right away.

Thank you.

Batgirl, Robin and I will
meet you in a couple of hours.

- We have some things to attend to.
- I'll be here.

We interrupt our music to
bring you a special bulletin.

Some of the money in Gotham City has been
infected with a deadly tropical disease.

Any contact with money now circulating in
Gotham City may be extremely dangerous.

- How did it go?
- Like taking candy from a baby.

I never thought it'd be so easy.

We interrupt this program
to bring you a special bulletin.

Some of the money in Gotham City has been
infected with a deadly tropical disease.

Any contact with money now circulating in
Gotham City may be extremely dangerous.

I just love sweeping up.

I never thought I'd like
being a trash collector, boss.

It's different when there's
gold in the garbage, huh? Hwah.

There's trash of another
color on the horizon. Bat trash.

Consider your collecting
career over, Penguin.

Shall we finish her off, boss?

No, no, no, business
before pleasure, Dustbag.

With all this moola lying around,
there's no time to bother with Batgirl.

Onward and upward.

Sweep, brother, sweep with care
There's a bunch of moola everywhere

Sweep, brother, sweep with care
There's money, money everywhere

Sweep, brother, sweep

Sweep, brother, sweep

Hello, Ibn Mukdash?
This is Bruce Wayne.

No, no, it's not
about my oil interests.

I called to tell you that the
currency here in Gotham City...

is infected with a
dangerous disease.

I wanna warn you against accepting
any of it for the next few days.

You're quite welcome.

You might pass the information on to the
other financiers in your area of the world.

Yes, goodbye, Ibn.

Is that, uh...?

- Carpathia.
- Thank you.

Hello? Hello, Mr. Bolescu.

And in a warehouse near
the outskirts of the city...

There's millions!

And plenty more in the
streets ready for us to pick up.

Oh, Pengy, are you going
to buy me something?

Yes, anything your evil little heart
desires, you just name it. Hmm?

I've always wanted a
little house in the country.

One house in the
country coming up.

Where's that
phone? Ah, here it is.

Hello, operator, would you give me the
headquarters of the World League of Nations?

Why are you calling
them for, Pengy?'

You said you wanted a house in the country, I
gotta buy you a country to put the house in.

Hello, World League of Nations?

I'd like to buy a country.
What have you got?

No. I don't want that one.
I'm allergic to vodka. Heh.

Something a little smaller, you know,
with a few mountains, a little seacoast.

Yeah, that'll be fine.

I'll take it. I'll pay cash.

The name is Penguin.

Address: Gotham City.

What do you mean?

What do you mean you
can't accept my money?

It's perfectly good money.

I don't care what
Bruce Wayne said.

What? Wait a minute.

Hello? Hello! Hwah, hwah, hwah!

Penguin, why don't
you try somewhere else?

After all, Bruce Wayne can't
have notified everyone in the world.

All right, how would you like some diamonds,
a couple of hundred pounds of them, huh?

You like that, my dear?

You're a doll.

It's perfectly good money.
You can't do this to me!

Hwah, hwah.

Here we are, knee-deep in money,
and we can't even buy a stick of gum.

That millionaire fink...

Bruce Wayne has warned
everybody in the world about me.

Well, he'll learn that nobody crosses
The Penguin and gets away with it.

Hwah, hwah, hwah.

Thanks to your calls, Batman...

there's probably no one in the world who will
accept Penguin's money. A brilliant idea.

Merely common sense, old chum.

If you can't spend it, money is
just a lot of worthless paper, isn't it?

And that's exactly what Penguin
has, a pile of worthless green paper.

Our main worry right
now lies elsewhere, Robin.

Lygerian fruit flies such as
the one under this microscope...

pose a frightening
and lethal thr*at.

If Penguin has any more of
them, and he probably does...

he's may be fiend enough to loose
them all on Gotham City in a fit of rage...

when he finds he can't spend
that money that he's swept up.

- The weather forecast, Alfred?
- I make it clear and cool, sir.

Temperature approximately,
uh, 45 degrees.

- Are you sure, Alfred?
- Sure as any weatherman can be, sir.

That's probably
our feathered friend.

Bruce Wayne.

I know all about your calls
to world financiers, you fink.

Now you listen to this.

Unless you call every one of them
back and tell them to accept my money...

I will let 500 Lygerian fruit
flies loose on Gotham City.

I refuse your
ultimatum, Penguin.

And I will not reverse
any of those calls.

All right, Wayne. You have
just doomed Gotham City...

to 1000 years of very sound
sleep. Hwah, hwah, hwah.

Hop on, my little baby.

Come on, my little sweetheart.

Here we are. Listen to them.

Maybe the money's
contaminated...

but the diamonds
and the jewelry aren't.

We'll put the whole city to sleep and
then we'll loot it, we'll strip it clean.

But I thought Batman and
Robin were with you, Batgirl.

I haven't seen them
since they left the bank.

- Maybe that devious devil, The Penguin...
- Don't say it, chief. Don't even think it.

If Batman has been harmed...

Thank heavens.

Batman, are you all right? When
we didn't hear from you, we...

Yes, commissioner, Robin and I had
some important matters to attend to.

Is Batgirl there?

- Yes, she is.
- Good.

Yes, sir. Very well.
Don't worry, we'll be there.

We're to meet them at
Gotham National Bank.

The fruit flies really did their work.
They're all sleeping like babies.

Even this mutton-headed
police chief.

Of course he looks like he's sleeping even
when he's awake. What have we got here?

A watch. This is no more than
I deserve. A very fine watch.

You won't be needing a
watch where you're going.

- What?
- You'll need a calendar.

A 20-year calendar.

This is impossible. You're all infected
with Lygerian Sleeping Sickness.

Oh, you see, that's what
happens, Pengy-poo...

when you send out a
fly to do a man's job.

That's right, Pengy-poo.
We're just sleepwalking.

What do you say to a
little sleep-fighting, Robin?

Good idea, Batgirl.

- Get them finks! Get them!
- We'll handle this.

Get them!

Hwah, hwah, hwah.

No! Take your fumbling
fingers off my person, Batman.

You used a foul trick to
m*rder those innocent fruit flies.

You m*rder*d them,
Penguin, when you let them out.

My recent research on Lygerian
fruit flies has proved conclusively...

that Gotham City's
45-degree temperatures...

caused an inversion
of air layers.

Which, in turn, raised the atmospheric
pressure and crushed the flies to death.

- That's right, Batgirl.
- I've been tricked.

You tricked yourself, Penguin.

Just as you did when you had that doctor
give you a double dose of B-6 vaccine.

So large a dose, you'll probably contract
Lygerian Sleeping Sickness yourself.

Me? Ha, ha. That's imposs...

You know what? That's
impossible. That's impo... What?

Impossible.

- Well, you stopped the Penguin cold, Batman.
- Cold indeed.

Now, how did you
know it would be cold?

I consulted a very reliable
weather forecaster...

who predicted that today
would be clear and cool.

Well, he was certainly
right about it being cool...

but those clouds up
there don't look very clear.

After all, even the best of weathermen
is entitled to an occasional miss.

It was very nice of each of you to
drop by separately and unannounced.

I was in the neighborhood, Barbara, and I
thought you might buy me a cup of coffee.

Oh, make that two cups, Barbara.
I just get tired being at the office.

I don't blame you, Daddy. I'm amazed your
office does everything it manages to do.

Foiling Penguin and his
tainted money scheme...

and ridding Gotham City of
those deadly Lygerian fruit flies.

Oh, but as usual, Barbara, the majority
of credit goes to Batman and Robin.

- Don't forget to mention Batgirl, commissioner.
- Yes, yes, a remarkable young woman.

I wonder who in the
world she really is.

Hello.

Yes, Bonnie, he's
right here. Daddy.

What is it, Bonnie?

Warden Crichton on
the other phone, yes.

Calling about two women who keep
visiting Shame at Gotham State Prison?

Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny?

Staying somewhere
in Gotham City.

Tell the warden I'll
look into it at once.

But little does Commissioner
Gordon know what he's about to see...

or what trouble that double-dealing
desperado Shame is hatching right now...

with Calamity Jan and Frontier
Fanny in the prison visiting room...

and which will explode before
everyone's eyes on our next episode.
Post Reply