03x22 - The Great Train Robbery

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Gotham
City Central Park...

where the Dynamic Duo
interrogate Frontier Fanny...

in Shame's stable hideout.

Catching me ain't going to do
you no good, Dynamic Dingbats.

My Shame's got your Batgirl,
and he ain't gonna let her go.

Not till he's finished committing
the crime of the century.

- Which is?
- Which is none of your business.

You reckon she's all right,
Batgirl, in the trunk of the car?

I don't suppose she'll be
going anywhere, Shame.

- Yeah. Hi. CLERK:
How do you do?

- That's a good-looking six sh**t you got.
- Uh, would you like to look at it?

SHAME: I'd be mighty
grateful, if you wouldn't mind.

It's a beautiful
piece of machinery.

Yeah, that's a beautiful piece
of machinery. How much is that?

Oh, it's 69.95.

Well, now, 69.95, that's too
much. Do it sh**t straight?

Up to 300 yards.

All right, in that
case, stick them up.

You know, I had a funny
feeling you were gonna say that.

g*ng, hang him up on
the wall for safekeeping.

Come on. Get all that stuff
ready for the great train robbery.

[CLERK WHIMPERING]

Come on, come on. Let's hustle it
up here. Come on, let's go. Come on.

CLERK: Will you put me down?
I'll give you all nice presents.

Will you stop it? What
are you doing? Ooh, ooh!

Shame, honey, you seen my ma?

Yeah, I seen too
much of her lately.

I think we must've left her
at the stable with the horses.

Well, don't worry,
nobody will notice.

We gotta go back and get her.

No can do, lover.

By now, she's probably
a prisoner of the police.

Might as well give
her up for gone.

Honey, she's my
mother, the only one I got.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, don't be like that.

I know she's a battle-a* and an old
owl, but she is my flesh and blood.

Yeah, I was wondering about that
heredity. What'd your father look like?

- Oh, he was prettier than my ma.
- Nobody could be uglier.

Well, can't we try
and rescue her?

You want me to bust
into police headquarters?

That's like putting my
own head in my own noose.

Well, we could trade her for
Batgirl, like a prisoner swap.

No, that ain't no swap.

If I swapped like that, I wouldn't have
a pot to put my head in for a haircut.

Can't we try, honey?
Please? Please?

Oh, you know I can't
stand to see a woman cry.

All right.

I wonder if
Batgirl is still alive.

Who knows what that
demented desperado will do.

- Maybe he's just holding her hostage.
- No, I don't think so.

I think he has something else in
mind, something infinitely more heinous.

Otherwise, he would have called us
by now. Don't you agree, commissioner?

Huh? Oh.

I beg your pardon, Batman.
My mind was elsewhere.

My daughter, Barbara, has
been missing since yesterday.

And while the welfare of
Gotham City is important...

worries of my daughter's
welfare keep invading my thoughts.

Now, what...? Please,
what was it you were saying?

How.

It's Chief Standing Pat. He's
one of Shame's henchmen. I...

No, Chief O'Hara.

He's obviously
here for a reason.

Hmm. Let's hear
what he has to say.

Man with blue-and-white
face speak with straight tongue.

I come talk peace
treaty with you.

What are your terms?

Shame willing to trade Batgirl
for Frontier Fanny, even up.

What's the catch?

Shame usually has three or four aces
and a derringer up his scheming sleeve.

You no try catch us, we let
Batgirl go with full scalp safe.

- No deal.
- That's fine by me.

Her scalp look good on my belt.

Just a minute, chief.

Commissioner, I know how you feel about
criminals, and I echo those sentiments.

But Batgirl has been very
valuable to all of Gotham City...

through her pluck and her heroism. I
don't think we can afford to lose her now.

And the alternative
to this deal is death.

Very well, Dynamic Duo, I
leave the decision in your gloves.

You tell Shame...

we'll agree to any of his
terms as long as Batgirl is safe.

Then you bring Fat Squaw
to Central American pavilion...

at Gotham City World's Fair.

It closed now. No one bother us.

We meet when little hand is
on 11 and big hand is on 12.

Chief Standing Pat has spoken.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
back at the amm*nit*on store...

Shame and his aides
are celebrating their coup.

[LAUGHS]

Well, aides, that
was quite a coup.

What's the news, Standing?

Batman agree to terms, but he
no longer under spell of Fear Gas.

Him heap, heap,
brave, brave now.

Yeah, we'll see how heap,
heap, brave, brave he is.

We're gonna dry-gulch them varmints
in the Central American pavilion...

and after we get them out of our sombrero, we're
gonna conduct what I like to refer to as...

- the great train robbery.
- [MOUTHS] Great train robbery.

And after that, we're
gonna head west.

I arranged powwow for when little
hand is on 11 and big hand is on 12.

- Let's see, that'd be, uh... That'd be, uh...
- Eleven o'clock, Shame, honey.

Eleven o'clock, Shame,
honey. Dad-blame it, I know it.

Now, now I got a plan.

Now, I got a plan.

Now, here's my plan.

We're gonna go to the Central...

To the Central, uh...

- American Pavilion.
- American Pavilion.

And after we get there,
we're gonna get there...

- We're gonna get there...
- Early.

Early.

And then after that, we're
gonna... We're gonna...

Bushwhack them.

SHAME: Bushwhack them.

That Batgirl still tied up?

She's in the trunk
of the automobile.

Good. All right, let's
go. Come on, let's go.

FRED: Tallyho.

Are you sure he's Mexican?

NARRATOR: But even as Batman
and Robin race along the highway...

Shame is arriving at the
Central American pavilion...

with deadly punctuality.

All right, g*ng.

We'll hide right here till them
Caped Clods come moseying in.

But no sh**ting
till Mama's safe.

Yeah, no sh**ting
till Mama's safe.

FANNY: Stop it!
- Hey. Hold your tongue. I think I smell a bat.

FANNY: Stop it, stop it!

Yeah, I smell a bat.
Skedaddle. Skedaddle.

You let me go!

You finally got wise to
it, you couldn't hold me.

Not while my
prospective son-in-law...

still has an ounce of
strength in his crooked body.

All right, keep your
feet planted, Batboys...

before I put a picture
window in your skull.

You wouldn't sh**t
us in cold blood?

Cold blood, hot blood, warm
blood, makes no never mind to me.

- Just pass over our Frontier Fanny.
- Where's Batgirl?

Don't make a deal, Batman.
They'll g*n you down.

Get away from our Fanny.

He'll let us have it if we do.

Still, we can't hide
behind a woman.

[WHISPERING] I have in
my utility belt a Bat-chemical...

which changes the physical property
of metal and makes it 20 times heavier.

Let's see how effective it is.

Watch it, Shame.
He's up to a trick.

Doggone it. Doggone it, Batman.

You cheated. You know
we ain't no good in a fair fight.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's
what I was counting on, Shame.

Get away from me.

SHAME: Okay, come on.
Let's get while the getting's good.

- Come on.
- They ain't gonna deduct our plan, anyway.

We're two hoots and a holler
ahead of them. Come on.

[BATMAN GROANS]

Of all the rotten luck.

Take heart, Batgirl.
All is not lost.

We'll catch Shame
before this day is through.

And truth and
justice will win out.

Are you sure the phone
isn't out of order, operator?

[SIGHS]

Very well, thank you.

- Still no word?
- None.

And it isn't like Barbara to go off like
this. I've had no word from her in two days.

- I'm certain she's all right, commissioner.
- How can you be?

Just, uh... Call it a
woman's intuition.

ROBIN: Batgirl.

Exactly what did Shame talk
about while you were in his custody?

It's a bit difficult to recall.

I was still under the influence
of Fear Gas for quite a while...

but I do remember his saying
something about the great train robbery.

BATMAN: Hmm...

Mm-hmm.

So we don't know
which train he means.

But there is one train that runs
under Gotham City every night...

to pick up the cash
from the subway stations.

But it's mostly coins...

and the money is so bulky, it would
be very hard for them to travel fast.

Ergo, rule that one out.

There's a mail train that comes
into Gotham City once a day...

carrying a great many
negotiable checks and bonds.

You weren't around when we
first encountered Shame, Batgirl.

No, a mail train is not
his modus operandi.

I think we all need
some refreshment.

What would you be saying to some soft drinks
to cool off your brows? On me, of course.

Splendid idea, Chief O'Hara.

[O'HARA SIGHS]

I better be turning
this one into the bank.

Heh. It looks like it's been in
circulation since the turn of the century.

Chief O'Hara, that's the answer.

- It is?
- Today's the day when the government...

ships all the old money out
of town by train to be b*rned.

Old money that's tattered
and torn is collected by banks...

and turned over to the
treasury for destruction.

That must be what
Shame's been after.

- We'd better get moving.
- And fast.

NARRATOR: But are
you in time, Batman?

Because, even now, evil
events are being put into motion.

This is my first run
on the money train.

I get kind of nervous
with all this cash around.

Not a thing to worry about.

I make the same trip every
month at the same time.

Never even came
close to a robbery.

It's practically impossible. This
train doesn't stop for anything.

You know, they'd have to sever the rails
with an acetylene torch to even slow it down.

What if someone did
stop the train? What then?

No problem.

This car is made out of 3-inch armor plate.
It's impregnable. Nothing can cr*ck it.

With the possible exception
of a 283-karat diamond drill.

[TRAIN SCREECHES]

SHAME: That Fear
Gas works every time.

Please. Please don't hurt us, mister.
I'm a family man. I got a wife and kid.

I'm a bachelor, but... But...
But I wanna live anyway.

SHAME: Good. Oh, good. Good.

All right, let's round
up this dinero, partners.

We got a lot of gravel to scratch
before the sun winks down.

We're too late.

Please, don't b*at us up,
Batman. It wasn't our fault.

There, there. Compose
yourself, citizen. We understand.

You don't have to snivel and cower.
It's that dreaded Fear Gas again.

Oh, this is terrible, Batman.

Shame's flown the coop scot-free and
we haven't got any clue to his whereabouts.

Allay your trepidation, Robin.

- Do you have an idea?
- It's an extremely long sh*t, Batgirl.

An appeal to Shame's inordinate
egomania may flush him out.

Meanwhile, let's administer these
bravery tablets to these yeomen...

in order to counteract
that horrible Fear Gas.

What is this you're
tinkering with?

It's a skywriter drone, Alfred.

I've programmed it to write
a message across the sky.

If we're lucky,
Shame will see it.

It's an invitation for Shame to meet
me in man-to-man combat, unarmed.

[SHAME WHOOPS]

Yeah, doggies, I reckon I'm happier
than a horse in a yard full of oats.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- How much you figure we got, Shame?

Oh, about 83 million,
give or take a hundred.

After I get through weeding through this grubby
stuff, we ought to still have over 60 mil.

And how is this vast
fortune to be allocated?

Yeah...

he's Mexican, all right.

Look, Fred, I got no truck for a
man that talks 8 pounds to the word.

Now, you talk English like us
normal folks or don't talk, Fred. Get it?

- Got it.
- Good.

- How do you plan on divvying up the spoils?
- That's better.

You and the chief get 1 million each. That
ought to keep you in tacos for a while.

What about me? Don't I get
something for my troubles?

Yeah, you get a
rich son-in-law, Fan.

Look. Up in sky.

It's a bird.

It's a plane.

No, it's a message for me.

"Shame, you are a
lily-livered coward.

Meet me on Neptune Ave...

in the deserted and condemned
tenement district at high noon...

if you think you can b*at me
without your g*ng or your g*ns.

Just bring your two
fists and I'll bring mine.

Signed, Batman."

Why, that Caped Clown.

That's an insult.

Darned if I won't be there.

I'll be there all right.
I'll be there all right...

and I'll knock out so many of his teeth,
he'll have to eat his steak through a straw.

Shame, honey,
it's a trap. Don't go.

You bet it's a trap.

Only this time, we're the
trappers and he's the trapee.

Fred, get the police on the phone
and tell them Shame is coming back.

A man's gotta do
what he's gotta do.

That's why I deliberately
chose that urban renewal area...

the one that's condemned...

so that no innocent
bystanders would get sh*t up.

You may get sh*t up.

This town's gotta
be cleaned up...

so that little
children are safe...

and happy and
healthy growing up.

Well, in case something happens to
me, I know you'll carry on without me.

Chief O'Hara. In case
something happens.

- Commissioner.
- Good luck.

Thank you.

Batgirl.

- Batman, I...
- Don't say it, Robin.

I understand.

[BATMAN CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR OPENS]

You wait until me and
Batman is 20 feet apart...

then I want you to drill
him, and drill him good.

And I don't want just
blood, I want gore.

- Get it?
- Got it.

Good. Now...

you wait till you see the whites
of his eyes through his slits.

Good luck, Shame, honey.

Dumpling, I don't need
luck as long as I've got you.

Couldn't you just get sick?

Hey, Batman, you fake.

Don't you ever smile?

You look grimmer than
a losing football coach.

Perhaps I should
unbend a little.

Thank you for the
constructive criticism, Shame.

SHAME: Your mother
wore Army shoes.

BATMAN: Yes, she did.

As I recall, she found
them quite comfortable.

They're about 30 feet apart now.

Now, get ready.

I'm gonna keep on insulting you
till you run out of cheeks to turn.

If you need to be vitriolic, vituperative
and vindictive, Shame, you go right ahead.

Just as I thought.

We've got to stop
them before they fire.

- I'll take the two women, you handle the men.
- Right.

A few feet more, Batman will have
more holes in him than a Texas oil field.

Now it'll be fair.

BATMAN: What's wrong,
Shame? Lost your nerve?

How far you figure we are apart?

Eighteen feet, six
and a half inches.

We're less than 20 feet apart.

You hear me?

We're less than 20 feet apart.

You big sissy, you couldn't
drive nails in a snow bank.

Why would I want to?

You ready to give up and
admit I'm better than you are?

What for?

Because I'm gonna whup you.

You're pretty handy
with your mouth, Shame.

Much more so
than with your fists.

Oh, no! No, spare me, Batman.

I ain't nearly, nearly as
ornery as I ought to be.

- Boo!
- Oh, don't! Don't! Don't do that, Batman.

Stand up, Shame.

You're not worthy of the name
Shame. You're a sham, Shame.

Don't ever cry on my
tights or pull my leg again.

[SHAME GROANING]

On your feet, Shame.

Shame, I look at you
with a mixture of emotions.

Sympathy and disgust.

You're heading for the last roundup, Shame,
because of your greed and your avarice.

Otherwise, you might have realized that good,
even though it's sometimes sidetracked...

always, repeat, always
triumphs over evil.

You were magnificent, Batman.

That was some sh**t-out
on that deserted street.

Some sh**t-out without
g*ns, commissioner.

Shame had a g*n, and the way you
flicked it out of his hand was brilliant.

It reminded me of that great old
movie, Low Midnight or something.

It's all in a day's crime-fighting. Have you
heard from Warden Crichton, commissioner?

Shame's back pitching
horseshoes in the prison yard.

But this time,
rubber horseshoes.

And Calamity Jan and Frontier
Fanny are on police detail.

- Police detail?
- Police detail?

Policing up the cells in the
women's cell block, that is.

At last, maybe things will get
back to normal around here.

NARRATOR: Normal, Chief O'Hara?

With that famed Yale professor of
Egyptology back in his King Tut alter ego...

escaping from a Gotham City
Prison's psychiatrist's couch...

to begin another cunning caper
calculated to confound our Terrific Trio?

Watch the next episode...

to see just how normal things
are not going to be in Gotham City.