03x25 - The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: High noon at
the Astral Avenue branch...

of Gotham City's Alchemical
Bank and Trust Company...

a financial institution so
conservative it pays no interest at all.

But while the customers and tellers
transact the business of the day...

black magical
events are brewing...

for Dr. Cassandra, the evil alchemist, is
about to unleash her terrible swift sword.

- Ready, Cabala?
- Like always, Dr. Cassandra, baby.

CASSANDRA: Groovy.

CABALA: Wild.

CASSANDRA: All right, Cabala.

How can that be?

Twenty-six eyewitnesses
who didn't see a thing?

Ha, ha. Yes, we'll
get on it right away.

It's good to have you
with me, Chief O'Hara.

After all these years, we've come
to anticipate each other's thoughts.

At times like this, commissioner,
anyone can read your mind.

It's Batman we need, and fast.

Very neatly put, chief.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

What's going on here?

- Yes, commissioner?
CASSANDRA: Batfink.

Bat...? Who is this speaking?

CASSANDRA: Dr. Cassandra.

World-famous alchemist,
occult science practitioner...

- and all-around evil-doing swinger.
- Where's the commissioner?

CASSANDRA: Just zip your lip
while I lay the word on you, Batcat.

I'm gonna put Gotham
City in a trance...

and there's not a thing you or
that junior birdman can do about it.

[CASSANDRA LAUGHING]

What's wrong?

There's a new
fiend in town, d*ck.

[CASSANDRA CONTINUES LAUGHING]

To the Batpoles.

I arrived just after whatever
happened happened...

and applied first-aid techniques,
but they're such stubborn men.

A regular Florence
Nightingale she is, anyway.

It was incredible, Batman.

This mysterious unseen
force pounding us.

To coin a phrase, "there is
less here than meets the eye."

Far less.

Begorra, Batman.

That Dr. Whatever-her-name-is has
struck six times in the past three hours.

It's impossible to stop her.

Do you have any description
of her for us to go on?

None, Boy Wonder.

And how can we capture
someone we can't see?

It's all so unbelievable.

There is no such thing as an
invisible man or invisible woman.

Perhaps we've all been intentionally
baffled the way a magician operates.

Now you see it, now you don't.

Holy disappearing act.

Miss Gordon, do you have any volumes
at the Gotham City Public Library...

on the occult sciences?

- Any number of them, Batman.
- Perhaps we should take a look at them, Robin.

Such a tome might open
this door to the unknown.

NARRATOR: Good thinking, Batman.

But you'll need more than books
to vanquish this entrancing foe.

[CASSANDRA LAUGHING]

CASSANDRA: All right, Cabala.

Time for our anti-antidote pill.

Whee.

How do these pills work, doc-y
baby? Are we really invisible?

No, Cabala, but
we may as well be.

You see, after
taking the pill...

we blend into the background so
perfectly that no one can see us.

Not even someone else who takes the pill.
That's why we keep bumping into each other.

Well, husbands and wives are supposed
to bump into each other now and then.

Now, Cabala, cut
the personal kick.

This is business.

Well, can't we cool business?
We've already stolen $600,000.

Now, now, money
isn't everything, honey.

Cabala, money is what makes
my occult world go round.

The power to make other
cats do what I crave them to do.

Dig.

Dug, doc-y baby.

But why the hang-up?

Because I intend to succeed
where my foremothers failed.

Foremothers?

The ancient alchemy has been handed down for
generations through females of my family.

All abject failures,
nowheresville.

Just like my family. Couldn't wait for the
depression, they went broke during the boom.

My great grandmother discovered
how to transmute base metals into gold...

but she cut out when she
added CH3, CH2, H2 and NO2.

Put them all together,
they spell TNT.

They found pieces of her
as far away as Londinium.

Man, that was a trip.

Now, Grandma perfected
a universal solvent.

Fell in the stuff and was
universally dissolved.

We buried her in a thimble.

Well, how about
dear old Mommy-o?

Dear old Mommy-o cashed in...

when she perfected a
perpetual motion machine...

tripped and was
ground to bits by it.

Man, you sure come from
a long line of winners, baby.

It doesn't hanging me up, love, because I
have a plan that will sway your brain cells.

Lay it on me.

I'm gonna free all the arch-criminals
in the Gotham State Bastille.

Slip them my camouflage pill and
we become an invisible empire...

with yours truly as queen.

Groovy. Groovy.

We're gonna steal
this burg blind.

Wait a minute. Aren't
you forgetting three things?

Like for instance?

Batman, Robin and Batgirl.

No hassle, love.

Not when they face
my Alvino-ray g*n.

- Alvino-ray g*n? What does it do?
- Mm.

Spreads a mess
of wild vibrations.

- Oh, mar. Just mar.
- Let's split.

BATMAN: Aha.

Just as I suspected.

What is it, Batman?

This mediquack, Dr. Cassandra, is
none other than Cassandra Spellcraft.

Offspring of the infamous Spellcraft clan,
a group of ne'er-do-well alchemists...

who couldn't even make the
grade in girls' pharmacy school.

Holy unrefillable prescriptions.

- Is she really a doctor?
- She isn't even a nurse.

[BATPHONE BEEPING]

- What's that?
- The portable Batphone.

Yes, commissioner?

We'll be right there.

A new development?

Dr. Cassandra has
challenged us, Robin.

She's called the
commissioner and announced...

that she will steal the Mope Diamond
from Spiffany's Jewelry Salon...

at precisely 2:00.

That gives us 20
minutes to thwart her.

Let's go, Robin.

NARRATOR: While in Spiffany's
jeopardized jewelry salon...

on Gotham City's
fashionable 15th Avenue...

SCHINE: Welcome
to Spiffany's, folks.

I'm G. David Schine.

May I serve you today?

Oh, just browsing, Dan.

One does not browse
at Spiffany's, madam.

One either buys or one leaves.

Shall I deck him, doc-y baby?
He's trying to put us down.

Cool it, love.

- We don't wanna blow the scene. Heh.
- Ah.

Listen, Dan, tell me, how much
are you asking for the big rock there?

What you call a rock,
madam, is the Mope Diamond...

and is not for
sale at any price.

Not for sale?

Then I guess we'll
just have to kipe it.

Cabala, do your thing.

You'll do no such
thing, Dr. Cassandra.

Oh, Batman.

I see you've decided
to take a cr*ck at us.

- But I've got your number.
- And what about me?

Do you have my number too?

Other women's numbers
don't interest me, Batgirl.

Glad to have you
flanking us, Batgirl.

I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Looks like it's pill time.

Keep your cool, love.

The Tiresome Trio are
about to really rock. Ha, ha.

A g*n?

Aren't you a little above that
sort of thing, Dr. Cassandra?

No style.

This is the kickiest w*apon
you ever dug, Batman.

My own unpatented
Alvino-ray g*n.

And it's the last thing
you're about to see.

[LAUGHING]

[DEVICE WHIRRING]

What are you
doing to our bodies?

Doc-y baby, you are
super-psychedelic.

Holy helplessness.

I feel like I'm getting flat.

What a pity.

That's exactly what's
happening, Batgirl.

This g*n is altering the
structure of your molecular cells...

and revving your
third dimensions.

[CASSANDRA LAUGHING]

Stack them up, love,
while I grab the diamond.

Go, baby.

Just a moment, madam.

Attacking the Terrific
Trio is one thing.

That's not my business and
I don't wanna get involved.

But stealing the Mope Diamond
is another matter completely.

Dan, how would you like
to get mailed home? COD?

Would you like the diamond
gift-wrapped, madam?

Mm-hm.

We should have heard from
them by now. I'm worried.

I'm sure there's nothing wrong,
commissioner. Batman's never failed us yet.

A Batfight seldom takes more than 40 seconds
and they're already half an hour late.

Oh, they should be coming
through that door right now.

Oh, it must be
some sort of prank.

I can't believe my
eyes, commissioner.

- But I must believe what I feel...
- Yup.

And I feel their pulse.

GORDON: We've had six medical opinions
and each one confirms the one before.

You know how those doctors
stick together, commissioner.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that there
is no known medical way to restore them.

So all we can do is make them
as comfortable as possible...

while they live out their
sightless soundless, selfless...

well-flattened lives.

O'HARA: What about the
voice? GORDON: What voice?

The voice that answers the Batphone
every now and then and asks us to hold on.

Maybe he can help
us, whoever he is.

It's worth a try.
Anything's worth a try now.

[BEEPING]

I'm afraid he's not here,
commissioner. But I...

What?

Oh, my word.

That... That is a bit of a
sticky wicket, if I may say so.

Hmm? Mm-hm.

All right, have them sent
care of general delivery...

to the main Gotham
City Post Office...

and I'll see what I can do.

Here's your Alvino-ray
g*n, doc-y baby.

- Now what?
- Cabala, I've told you, cool the personal kick...

whenever alchemy and
occult sciences are involved.

And they're involved right now.

But with all the loot we've grabbed,
the Mope Diamond in our possession...

and Troublesome Trio
hot off the press as it were...

It's not enough. I want
Gotham City on its knees.

My foremothers couldn't do it,
but I'm going to b*at this town.

- b*at it, baby. We'll flail it together.
- Ha, ha.

Look at them, six tiny pills.

And six unseen arch-criminals
about to wreak untold havoc.

The thought of it blows my mind.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at
the Gotham City Post Office...

trusty Alfred, disguised
as a doddering dodo...

accepts delivery of
the human parcel post.

While at Gotham State Prison...

Dr. Cassandra is up to some
special delivery of her own.

[ALARMS WAILING]

- What's going on here, captain?
- Beats me, warden.

All the electric eye alarms went
off like somebody walked through...

and my men never saw a thing.

- Are the prisoners in their cells?
- Like the day they were brought in.

What about the special
arch-criminal wing?

Same thing.

Must have been...

[ALARMS STOP]

It must have been
a short circuit.

Ha, ha. Guess again, squareball.

Who are you?

How did you get
in here? Get out.

My name is Dr. Cassandra.

I walked through the front
door and I'm not walking out.

- Keep them covered with this, Cabala.
- Right, doc-y baby.

While I speak to my friends.

Over there, man.

What kind of g*n is that?

This is the doctor's
Alvino-ray g*n, man.

Now, don't move, or
you're both flat as flounders.

Hello, darlings.

This is your leader speaking.

In 10 seconds I shall pull the switch
that will release all the arch-criminals.

Oh. I'm sorry I can't do the
same for the rest of you boys.

But too many
crooks spoil the broth.

You know how it is.

All right.

Ready.

Ten, nine, eight...

- seven, six...
- Wild b*at.

Five...

- four, three...
CABALA: Go, baby.

Two, one.

- Blast out.
- Whoo!

Ha, ha. Darlings, meet
me at the front gate.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I do hope I didn't get my
transistors switched, sir, miss.

Either you come out
three-dimensional or no-dimensional.

Well, here it goes.

All right.

I'd best get the Batmobile
back, wherever it may be.

And take my departure
before Batgirl recognizes me.

Where are we? What happened?

This is the Batcave, Batgirl.

Holy giveaways.

Not exactly, Robin. She may
know that this is the Batcave...

[BATPHONE BEEPING]

but she doesn't know
where the Batcave is located.

It's very impressive.

And functional.

But how do you
suppose we got here...

and who changed us back to
our normal shapes and sizes?

I have my own suspicions, Batgirl,
which I don't think I should disclose.

Of course, Robin, I understand.

We'll get on it right
away, commissioner.

Dr. Cassandra has engineered...

an incredible mass escape...

of all of Gotham
City's arch-criminals.

Holy catastrophe!

How do we stop them?

We have to find them first.

Which calls for the Special Escaped
Archcriminal Bat-locator in the Batcomputer.

Good thinking, Robin.

That must come in quite handy.

Quite. Every crime
fighter should have one.

According to this, they should all be in the
basement of Mortar and Pestle Building...

on Abracadabra Alley.

But how can we get there?

Isn't the Batmobile still parked
in front of Spiffany's Jewelry...?

[BATMOBILE APPROACHING]

Look. Here it comes now.

Now, how in the world
did you manage that?

There's no time for that
now, Batgirl. To the alley.

I'm afraid I'll have to put you to
sleep until we reach the city, Batgirl.

- To sleep?
- So you won't learn the location of the Batcave.

All right, Batman.

Guard your face, Robin.

You know something, Batman.

What's that, Robin?

She looks very pretty
when she's asleep.

I thought you might
eventually notice that.

That single statement indicates to me the
first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.

All right, darlings, here's
how we divvy up the territory.

Catwoman gets all
the fish market areas.

Egghead, poultry farms.

- Penguin, ponds and park.
PENGUIN: Hwah, hwah.

Heh. King Tut, museums.

Riddler and Joker, all
the amusement parks.

Don't forget to tell them how
we cut up the loot, doc-y baby.

Oh, yes.

Well, darlings, we get 50
percent of everything you steal.

But in return, I provide
camouflage pills and protection.

And don't worry about
Batman, Robin or Batgirl.

They've made their
last scene. Ha, ha.

[PENGUIN CHUCKLING]

Here are your pills, darlings.

Pass them around, love.

One to a customer.

With pleasure, doc-y baby.

Now, you'll blend into the
background for eight hours.

After that, come back with the
loot and I'll give you all another dose.

But be careful.

Don't get knocked unconscious
or you'll all materialize again.

You foolish, foolish woman.

Quick, swallow the pills.

They're gone.

Well, how can we fight
them if we can't see them?

We may not be able to see them,
but I have the feeling they're still here.

[ALL GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

[RIDDLER LAUGHING]

We're outnumbered
eight-to-three.

It's not the odds, Robin,
it's the atmosphere.

Wait a minute.

They'd be in the same
boat if they couldn't see us.

You're right.

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

[THUDDING AND CRASHING]

Groovy party, baby. Groovy.

Something must have gone wrong.

Alchemy is a highly-specialized
chemical science, Dr. Cassandra.

Sometimes even experts go wrong.

And obviously something went wrong
with your last batch of camouflage pills.

Oh, you goofed, doc-y
baby. The family curse again.

Well, nothing's gone wrong
with my flattening Alvino-ray g*n.

BATMAN: It won't
work, Dr. Cassandra.

I took the precaution of inserting
an anti-Alvino-ray Bat Disintegrator...

in my utility belt.

Batgirl, telephone Commissioner Gordon and
his men in blue. Tell him to come over here.

Robin, round up the rest of
these artless arch-criminals.

Commissioner, you don't suppose
Dr. Cassandra and Cabala...

could pop their way out
of Gotham State Prison?

Not the way Warden Crichton
pops them in, Chief O'Hara.

But if she manages to smuggle
one of her camouflage pills.

The prison matron isn't named
Mrs. Frisk for nothing, Chief O'Hara.

Besides, the warden had special
polka dot cells painted for them.

They won't blend
into that background.

Say, my, my, this is
certainly a fancy spa.

What did I tell
you, commissioner?

Wait till you try one of Minerva's
eggplant jelly vitamin scalp massages.

- Uh, eggplant jelly?
- Mm-hm.

That's right, boys.

Just register.

Check your valuables.

And after treatment in my mineral
spa, you'll feel like new men.

- I certainly feel like a new man.
- Thank you.

NARRATOR: Commissioner Gordon and Chief
O'Hara will indeed feel like new men...

after a treatment in Minerva's Mineral Spa
for Minerva's treatment has many surprises.

One, a startling device for relieving Gotham
City's millionaires of all their millions...

as you will see in
our next episode.